Cristela (2014) s01e03 Episode Script
Mr. Felix and Ms. Daniela
So, she comes out in the Houston rodeo, wearing a purple-sequined jumpsuit, and a rose falls gently to the ground.
And that is how we got Latina legend Selena.
I love it when you act out movies.
Last week, she did "Gravity.
" It was really just me walking around slowly for an hour and a half.
Oh! Stephen.
You're here.
Perfect.
I didn't miss seeing your mother.
Nice to see you, too, Daniela.
Wait a second.
That's the good fruit.
What's going on? Cris, I thought I asked you to keep the house clean.
It is.
What's that? My new bed.
It looks awful! She's here! Good job, Daniela.
Now no one will notice that box.
Wait, so, you have the good fruit, you're cleaning up, you're using the tiger blanket Which means that you are trying to impress Hi! I'm Wendy.
Wendy.
We were expecting you.
I'm here to pick up Stephen.
Oh, I kind of guessed that since he's the only non-brown kid in the house.
Come on in.
Hi.
I'm Cristela.
Oh! What an exotic blanket.
Oh, thank you.
We also have a white tiger, for winter.
Hey, mom, Cristela taught me a Spanish song.
Oh.
"Bidi Bidi Bom Bom.
" No bigs.
She's adorable.
A regular Maria Poppins.
A spoonful of azúcar helps the medicine go down.
Yes, she's the best, and the kids just Love her.
So, um, may I offer you some fruit? No, I'm good.
I travel with it.
I've got some organic apples from whole foods.
At those prices, you better show me a picture of white people picking that fruit.
This one's hilarious.
Stephen, sweetie, go grab your backpack.
So, um, how's the charity event going? I'm on my way to the meeting now.
Oh.
Why don't you come along? Okay.
Uh, Cris, would you please make sure that Henry and Izzy get their homework done? Of course.
Thank you for reminding me to do something I do every day.
Oh! I'll remember to eat, too.
Daniela, I love Cristela.
Where did you find such a great nanny? What?! No, no, no, I'm not the nan Cris is so much more than that.
I can't imagine life without her.
Aww.
You might want to start.
Wendy, I think we should go.
Well, it was such a treat to meet you, Cristela.
Did that really just happen? I don't talk to the help.
Monday's pants, Tuesday's sweater equals Wednesday's outfit.
Aah! Hey, special delivery for the live-in nanny.
Ohh.
Whew! That's even less amusing coming from you.
Man, this box is heavy for the average man.
I can't believe I finally have my own bed! Ha ha.
All right.
Um, not all right.
Uh You can leave now.
I'll put it together when I have time.
Come on, Cris.
I mean, I just happen to know a guy who'd be more than happy to put this thing together for you.
And here's the best part He's sexy.
No.
No, you don't want my help? No, you're not sexy.
Look, it's only right that I put this thing together.
I mean, after all, I'm gonna be sleeping in it one day.
Uh, take it down a notch, "Huge" Hefner.
Ha ha.
Come on, you got to admit it'd be nice to come home to a nice, new bed, and all it'll cost you is a date.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
With who? Why do you got to always play hard to get? Actually, I'm playing "Never Gonna Get.
" Okay.
What if I let you sit next to me at the dinner table? Really? I am having a great hair day.
I have had the same hair day since 1979.
I win.
Seriously, Cris, on a scale from 1 to 10, how great? Whatever number does not get me fired, Ms.
Daniela.
Oh, come on.
Don't do that.
It was Wendy who called you the nanny.
And you loved that she thought you were the kind of person that had one.
Sasson jeans all over again.
You mean my Guess jeans? No.
I mean your Sasson jeans that you sewed the Guess label on.
And Guess what no one bought it.
No one thought that you had money.
I have my reasons.
Wendy runs friends of fielding.
It's a group of moms that raise money for that rich magnet school that I want Henry and Izzy to go to.
It's a rich magnet school.
I think they're done raising money.
Besides, you do take care of the kids, make them lunch, drive them around all nanny stuff.
Nannies get paid.
Well, you kind of get paid.
That pan Dulce right there is a form of payment.
Fine.
I'm giving myself a bonus.
Cristela, you really should learn to be taken for granted with more grace.
Like me.
Mama, I don't know why things that make other people sad make you so happy.
I'm just lucky.
A-duh! Apologies, Mr.
Felix.
This toast is for Izzy and Henry Whom I love like family.
- Thanks, Cris.
- Thanks, Cris.
She's acting like a nanny to prove a point.
Hey, pretend nanny, get the door! I could get the pretend door.
AI.
Mira.
Look it's stuck.
Hey, dear! I'm so sorry for this last-second request.
Oh, no trouble.
What's no trouble? The bake sale is in chaos.
One of the moms made peanut-butter cookies.
Peanuts? What about allergies? Someone could die! Aah! Poor people die from drive-bys.
Rich people die from allergies.
We all have our cross to bear.
Well, thanks so much for having your nanny take Stephen to school this morning.
I will pay double for the inconvenience.
Oh, don't worry about paying her, Wendy.
A-da-da she can worry about paying me.
She's joking.
Oh.
Thanks, dear.
Bye, sweets.
Just so you know, if I get stung by a bee, my chest will tighten, my throat will swell, and it's all on you.
Who wants to party with this guy? I asked you in here 'cause I've got some bad news.
Ricardo Is no more.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
I've lost pets.
I know how it feels.
Hey.
Hey, look at me.
Time heals all wounds.
He was a man, Josh not a goldfish.
I am so sorry for the news, sir.
A tragedy like this affects us all.
Who was Ricardo? He was the man who made my morning coffee every day for the last 20 years.
That's longer than all of your wives combined.
So so, when are his services? Geez, I don't know.
I don't even know if his name is really Ricardo.
It's just what I called him.
But I can't believe that none of you are seeing what an opportunity this is, because now I no longer have someone who gets me my morning coffee.
You don't want one of us to make it, right? No, I want all three of you to make it.
And the cup of coffee that tastes closest to Rodrigo's - Ricardo.
- Yeah, whatever.
Whoever that is will get a giant career opportunity.
Well, I don't think getting coffee is part of our job.
You know what isn't part of your job? Telling me what your job is.
Ooh, someone gets cranky when he doesn't have his coffee.
Man, that thing man! ¿Qué estas haciendo? I'm trying to get Cristela's knappgok into her bekkestua.
Watch your mouth,cochino! Señora Natalia, I'm trying to put together Cristela's bed! She works really hard, and she deserves a good night's sleep.
In my village, we slept on cold dirt floors.
My back never felt so good.
Well, my back is killing me.
I thought this job was gonna be easy.
Well, why don't you just look at the pictures? I did, but it got worse.
It's all in Dutch.
Why are all the smiley cartoon people wearing Hawaiian shirts? I did that.
I thought it would help put me in their situation.
Such a sad, sad situation.
About the bed? About everything.
And the school, Felix oh! The buildings are clean, there's a brand-new soccer field, and there's 15 children per teacher.
I don't know.
Sounds a little fancy.
It's free.
I love it! Hi, boys.
Hey, Cris.
So, I was going to pick up Henry, and then guess what happened.
IDon't want to play.
On my way, Wendy texted me and asked, "Hey, C, can you do me a big favor and pick up Stephen? Smiley face.
Wink-wink.
" That's why she wanted your number.
Oh, thanks for giving it to her! It gets better.
Stephen was hungry, so I had to get him food, which is hard because he can't eat peanuts, shellfish, dairy - Ai.
That sound - I'm not finished! Wheat, gluten, and any fruit that's not organic.
I ended up buying him a burger and telling him it was grass-fed.
Whatever that means! I'm so sorry, Cris.
I can't believe that Wendy would treat you like like hired help? Hmm.
Where would she get that idea? Okay, I know I should've corrected her, but I just really, really want Henry and Izzy to be able to go to that school.
I do, too, and that's why I played along, but it's going too far.
You get to hang out with the rich moms, and I get to be the nanny! Well, if it helps, you're really good at it.
Ai.
Pobrecita Wendy.
"Poor Wendy"? Mama, I don't think you get how sympathy works Or who deserves it.
She must not have family.
She has to pay someone to love her kid.
I know.
We're lucky.
You love us for free.
You get what you pay for.
I'm going to tell her right after next week's school event.
Clear it up.
Now! I can't believe she speaks to you like that.
Aw, geez.
Ugh.
Candles? 'Cause you're in heaven, baby.
What's that smell? Oh, I didn't have time to get flowers, so I stole these, uh, rose-petal soaps from Felix and Daniela's bathroom.
These soaps are used, Alberto! Hey, beggars can't be choosers.
I'm begging you to get off my bed.
Fine.
Oh, fine.
Ohh! It looks great! Especially with you off it.
You know, these shirts don't go with everything.
Uh, that shirt can just go.
Heh heh heh.
No problem.
Uh, th-th-th-th-that's not what I meant! No, no, no, no, no.
Thanks for building my bed.
How about a thank-you kiss? Just leave Alberto while I still like you.
You still like me? That's all that counts.
Mm! Aw! Why does your coffee have a dirty tree branch in it? That's a cinnamon stick, and this is a café con leche.
Well, this is what our cook makes at home for my dad to drink.
You were supposed to make it yourself.
Oh, I ordered it.
Well, I think your dad's going to want this.
This is a south-of-the-border Mexican vacation in a cup Without the cartels.
- Hello, losers.
- Yeah.
Someone read the obituaries, cross-referenced that with the funerals in the area, and then learned Ricardo's secret recipe from his grieving widow.
That same someone also found out that Ricardo's real name is Darren.
And I'm sure his family loved you talking about coffee right next to their dead dad.
First, the water must be 196 degrees exactly.
Then, it's a 2-parts-to-3-parts blend of Ethiopian fancy and Ethiopian super natural in a ceramic coffee dripper for a temperature-controlled pour-over.
But I'm sure whatever you got in that thermos is really great, too.
Okay, so You all ready to wow me? Mm-hmm.
Someone is.
All right.
Well, in order from darkest to lightest and I don't mean the coffee I will try Cristela's first.
This is a traditional Mexican recipe.
Oh, instant coffee.
Ahh! Cinnamon, yes.
Reminds me of how much I hate cinnamon.
Maddie.
Yes.
Ta-da! Mm.
Ah! Yeah! I didn't see that one coming.
What? It's the coffee our cook makes for you at home.
Yeah, but at the office, I drink coffee.
Oh.
Okay, Josh.
It's all on you.
Hey, this is tasty.
You know If I close my eyes while tasting this, I can see Ricardo's smiling face.
Shouldn't we be calling him Darren now? You know, I got to tell you, I figured you were gonna be the biggest disappointment, but you turned out to be the smallest disappointment.
You won! Ah! Right.
No surprise.
What do I win? Well, the great career opportunity is you get to make me my coffee every day.
And? Aw, okay.
Weekends too.
How was work today? You know those days when you feel like what you do really matters? Yeah, not today.
You? Cristela is just she's being so stubborn.
Ah.
This is where you take a shot at her.
Uh-huh.
Felix, I just said Cristela's being stubborn.
Okay, you know I love you.
Mm? Cristela takes care of the kids, and you let Wendy call her the nanny.
Now, your mom cooks and cleans, and you would never let Wendy call her the maid.
You know, I wasn't looking to have a conversation.
I just needed you to agree with me.
Ai, mi Amor.
You know how wrong you have to be for me to stick up for Cristela, right? Still a conversation.
Hi, Cris.
Miss Daniela.
Okay, stop it.
You're not the nanny.
Oh.
You mean I shouldn't pretend to be something I'm not? No.
And I get it now.
Good.
'Cause that was exhausting.
It's one thing to want a better future for your kids, but it's another thing to treat your sister like a pair of Sasson jeans.
I'm sorry.
You mean your "Guesson" jeans? I couldn't get the label to cover the whole word.
I really am sorry.
Thank you for apologizing.
What made you come around? Felix.
He stuck up for you.
Ha ha.
Okay.
And that 59-cent burger was really grass-fed.
Ai.
It's Mrs.
Food Allergies.
I'm allergic to Wendy.
- Hey! - Hi.
Wendy.
With no kid.
Oh, that's a new look.
Cristela, I just came to apologize.
I am so sorry that I mistook you for the nanny.
Oh, that's okay.
My face does that to people.
I just feel so silly.
And to think I was gonna steal you away for $800 a week plus a food stipend.
I'll do it! For that money, I'll love any kid.
Hey,we don't want her.
And that is how we got Latina legend Selena.
I love it when you act out movies.
Last week, she did "Gravity.
" It was really just me walking around slowly for an hour and a half.
Oh! Stephen.
You're here.
Perfect.
I didn't miss seeing your mother.
Nice to see you, too, Daniela.
Wait a second.
That's the good fruit.
What's going on? Cris, I thought I asked you to keep the house clean.
It is.
What's that? My new bed.
It looks awful! She's here! Good job, Daniela.
Now no one will notice that box.
Wait, so, you have the good fruit, you're cleaning up, you're using the tiger blanket Which means that you are trying to impress Hi! I'm Wendy.
Wendy.
We were expecting you.
I'm here to pick up Stephen.
Oh, I kind of guessed that since he's the only non-brown kid in the house.
Come on in.
Hi.
I'm Cristela.
Oh! What an exotic blanket.
Oh, thank you.
We also have a white tiger, for winter.
Hey, mom, Cristela taught me a Spanish song.
Oh.
"Bidi Bidi Bom Bom.
" No bigs.
She's adorable.
A regular Maria Poppins.
A spoonful of azúcar helps the medicine go down.
Yes, she's the best, and the kids just Love her.
So, um, may I offer you some fruit? No, I'm good.
I travel with it.
I've got some organic apples from whole foods.
At those prices, you better show me a picture of white people picking that fruit.
This one's hilarious.
Stephen, sweetie, go grab your backpack.
So, um, how's the charity event going? I'm on my way to the meeting now.
Oh.
Why don't you come along? Okay.
Uh, Cris, would you please make sure that Henry and Izzy get their homework done? Of course.
Thank you for reminding me to do something I do every day.
Oh! I'll remember to eat, too.
Daniela, I love Cristela.
Where did you find such a great nanny? What?! No, no, no, I'm not the nan Cris is so much more than that.
I can't imagine life without her.
Aww.
You might want to start.
Wendy, I think we should go.
Well, it was such a treat to meet you, Cristela.
Did that really just happen? I don't talk to the help.
Monday's pants, Tuesday's sweater equals Wednesday's outfit.
Aah! Hey, special delivery for the live-in nanny.
Ohh.
Whew! That's even less amusing coming from you.
Man, this box is heavy for the average man.
I can't believe I finally have my own bed! Ha ha.
All right.
Um, not all right.
Uh You can leave now.
I'll put it together when I have time.
Come on, Cris.
I mean, I just happen to know a guy who'd be more than happy to put this thing together for you.
And here's the best part He's sexy.
No.
No, you don't want my help? No, you're not sexy.
Look, it's only right that I put this thing together.
I mean, after all, I'm gonna be sleeping in it one day.
Uh, take it down a notch, "Huge" Hefner.
Ha ha.
Come on, you got to admit it'd be nice to come home to a nice, new bed, and all it'll cost you is a date.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
With who? Why do you got to always play hard to get? Actually, I'm playing "Never Gonna Get.
" Okay.
What if I let you sit next to me at the dinner table? Really? I am having a great hair day.
I have had the same hair day since 1979.
I win.
Seriously, Cris, on a scale from 1 to 10, how great? Whatever number does not get me fired, Ms.
Daniela.
Oh, come on.
Don't do that.
It was Wendy who called you the nanny.
And you loved that she thought you were the kind of person that had one.
Sasson jeans all over again.
You mean my Guess jeans? No.
I mean your Sasson jeans that you sewed the Guess label on.
And Guess what no one bought it.
No one thought that you had money.
I have my reasons.
Wendy runs friends of fielding.
It's a group of moms that raise money for that rich magnet school that I want Henry and Izzy to go to.
It's a rich magnet school.
I think they're done raising money.
Besides, you do take care of the kids, make them lunch, drive them around all nanny stuff.
Nannies get paid.
Well, you kind of get paid.
That pan Dulce right there is a form of payment.
Fine.
I'm giving myself a bonus.
Cristela, you really should learn to be taken for granted with more grace.
Like me.
Mama, I don't know why things that make other people sad make you so happy.
I'm just lucky.
A-duh! Apologies, Mr.
Felix.
This toast is for Izzy and Henry Whom I love like family.
- Thanks, Cris.
- Thanks, Cris.
She's acting like a nanny to prove a point.
Hey, pretend nanny, get the door! I could get the pretend door.
AI.
Mira.
Look it's stuck.
Hey, dear! I'm so sorry for this last-second request.
Oh, no trouble.
What's no trouble? The bake sale is in chaos.
One of the moms made peanut-butter cookies.
Peanuts? What about allergies? Someone could die! Aah! Poor people die from drive-bys.
Rich people die from allergies.
We all have our cross to bear.
Well, thanks so much for having your nanny take Stephen to school this morning.
I will pay double for the inconvenience.
Oh, don't worry about paying her, Wendy.
A-da-da she can worry about paying me.
She's joking.
Oh.
Thanks, dear.
Bye, sweets.
Just so you know, if I get stung by a bee, my chest will tighten, my throat will swell, and it's all on you.
Who wants to party with this guy? I asked you in here 'cause I've got some bad news.
Ricardo Is no more.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
I've lost pets.
I know how it feels.
Hey.
Hey, look at me.
Time heals all wounds.
He was a man, Josh not a goldfish.
I am so sorry for the news, sir.
A tragedy like this affects us all.
Who was Ricardo? He was the man who made my morning coffee every day for the last 20 years.
That's longer than all of your wives combined.
So so, when are his services? Geez, I don't know.
I don't even know if his name is really Ricardo.
It's just what I called him.
But I can't believe that none of you are seeing what an opportunity this is, because now I no longer have someone who gets me my morning coffee.
You don't want one of us to make it, right? No, I want all three of you to make it.
And the cup of coffee that tastes closest to Rodrigo's - Ricardo.
- Yeah, whatever.
Whoever that is will get a giant career opportunity.
Well, I don't think getting coffee is part of our job.
You know what isn't part of your job? Telling me what your job is.
Ooh, someone gets cranky when he doesn't have his coffee.
Man, that thing man! ¿Qué estas haciendo? I'm trying to get Cristela's knappgok into her bekkestua.
Watch your mouth,cochino! Señora Natalia, I'm trying to put together Cristela's bed! She works really hard, and she deserves a good night's sleep.
In my village, we slept on cold dirt floors.
My back never felt so good.
Well, my back is killing me.
I thought this job was gonna be easy.
Well, why don't you just look at the pictures? I did, but it got worse.
It's all in Dutch.
Why are all the smiley cartoon people wearing Hawaiian shirts? I did that.
I thought it would help put me in their situation.
Such a sad, sad situation.
About the bed? About everything.
And the school, Felix oh! The buildings are clean, there's a brand-new soccer field, and there's 15 children per teacher.
I don't know.
Sounds a little fancy.
It's free.
I love it! Hi, boys.
Hey, Cris.
So, I was going to pick up Henry, and then guess what happened.
IDon't want to play.
On my way, Wendy texted me and asked, "Hey, C, can you do me a big favor and pick up Stephen? Smiley face.
Wink-wink.
" That's why she wanted your number.
Oh, thanks for giving it to her! It gets better.
Stephen was hungry, so I had to get him food, which is hard because he can't eat peanuts, shellfish, dairy - Ai.
That sound - I'm not finished! Wheat, gluten, and any fruit that's not organic.
I ended up buying him a burger and telling him it was grass-fed.
Whatever that means! I'm so sorry, Cris.
I can't believe that Wendy would treat you like like hired help? Hmm.
Where would she get that idea? Okay, I know I should've corrected her, but I just really, really want Henry and Izzy to be able to go to that school.
I do, too, and that's why I played along, but it's going too far.
You get to hang out with the rich moms, and I get to be the nanny! Well, if it helps, you're really good at it.
Ai.
Pobrecita Wendy.
"Poor Wendy"? Mama, I don't think you get how sympathy works Or who deserves it.
She must not have family.
She has to pay someone to love her kid.
I know.
We're lucky.
You love us for free.
You get what you pay for.
I'm going to tell her right after next week's school event.
Clear it up.
Now! I can't believe she speaks to you like that.
Aw, geez.
Ugh.
Candles? 'Cause you're in heaven, baby.
What's that smell? Oh, I didn't have time to get flowers, so I stole these, uh, rose-petal soaps from Felix and Daniela's bathroom.
These soaps are used, Alberto! Hey, beggars can't be choosers.
I'm begging you to get off my bed.
Fine.
Oh, fine.
Ohh! It looks great! Especially with you off it.
You know, these shirts don't go with everything.
Uh, that shirt can just go.
Heh heh heh.
No problem.
Uh, th-th-th-th-that's not what I meant! No, no, no, no, no.
Thanks for building my bed.
How about a thank-you kiss? Just leave Alberto while I still like you.
You still like me? That's all that counts.
Mm! Aw! Why does your coffee have a dirty tree branch in it? That's a cinnamon stick, and this is a café con leche.
Well, this is what our cook makes at home for my dad to drink.
You were supposed to make it yourself.
Oh, I ordered it.
Well, I think your dad's going to want this.
This is a south-of-the-border Mexican vacation in a cup Without the cartels.
- Hello, losers.
- Yeah.
Someone read the obituaries, cross-referenced that with the funerals in the area, and then learned Ricardo's secret recipe from his grieving widow.
That same someone also found out that Ricardo's real name is Darren.
And I'm sure his family loved you talking about coffee right next to their dead dad.
First, the water must be 196 degrees exactly.
Then, it's a 2-parts-to-3-parts blend of Ethiopian fancy and Ethiopian super natural in a ceramic coffee dripper for a temperature-controlled pour-over.
But I'm sure whatever you got in that thermos is really great, too.
Okay, so You all ready to wow me? Mm-hmm.
Someone is.
All right.
Well, in order from darkest to lightest and I don't mean the coffee I will try Cristela's first.
This is a traditional Mexican recipe.
Oh, instant coffee.
Ahh! Cinnamon, yes.
Reminds me of how much I hate cinnamon.
Maddie.
Yes.
Ta-da! Mm.
Ah! Yeah! I didn't see that one coming.
What? It's the coffee our cook makes for you at home.
Yeah, but at the office, I drink coffee.
Oh.
Okay, Josh.
It's all on you.
Hey, this is tasty.
You know If I close my eyes while tasting this, I can see Ricardo's smiling face.
Shouldn't we be calling him Darren now? You know, I got to tell you, I figured you were gonna be the biggest disappointment, but you turned out to be the smallest disappointment.
You won! Ah! Right.
No surprise.
What do I win? Well, the great career opportunity is you get to make me my coffee every day.
And? Aw, okay.
Weekends too.
How was work today? You know those days when you feel like what you do really matters? Yeah, not today.
You? Cristela is just she's being so stubborn.
Ah.
This is where you take a shot at her.
Uh-huh.
Felix, I just said Cristela's being stubborn.
Okay, you know I love you.
Mm? Cristela takes care of the kids, and you let Wendy call her the nanny.
Now, your mom cooks and cleans, and you would never let Wendy call her the maid.
You know, I wasn't looking to have a conversation.
I just needed you to agree with me.
Ai, mi Amor.
You know how wrong you have to be for me to stick up for Cristela, right? Still a conversation.
Hi, Cris.
Miss Daniela.
Okay, stop it.
You're not the nanny.
Oh.
You mean I shouldn't pretend to be something I'm not? No.
And I get it now.
Good.
'Cause that was exhausting.
It's one thing to want a better future for your kids, but it's another thing to treat your sister like a pair of Sasson jeans.
I'm sorry.
You mean your "Guesson" jeans? I couldn't get the label to cover the whole word.
I really am sorry.
Thank you for apologizing.
What made you come around? Felix.
He stuck up for you.
Ha ha.
Okay.
And that 59-cent burger was really grass-fed.
Ai.
It's Mrs.
Food Allergies.
I'm allergic to Wendy.
- Hey! - Hi.
Wendy.
With no kid.
Oh, that's a new look.
Cristela, I just came to apologize.
I am so sorry that I mistook you for the nanny.
Oh, that's okay.
My face does that to people.
I just feel so silly.
And to think I was gonna steal you away for $800 a week plus a food stipend.
I'll do it! For that money, I'll love any kid.
Hey,we don't want her.