Crunch Time (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Beginning

1 [instrumental music] [thumping noise] Look at him, Mullins.
- He's crying.
- Good.
Because I'm tired of playing games.
Tell us what we want to know.
- I don't know.
- You heard her! - How'd you do it, shithead? - I told you.
Okay? I don't, I'm not the science guy.
That's Connor.
Sounds like crybaby wants to go back in the isolation cube.
No, no, no.
Please, please.
No.
I'll talk.
I will.
Start from the beginning.
I guess if I had to start at the beginning the very beginning, the very start It was the night Hannah tried to break up with me.
[romantic music, champagne pouring] Mmm.
Cristal.
Very bubbly.
Very bubbly.
- WAITER: Merci.
- De nada.
Sam, that's way too expensive.
I disagree.
Hannah, nothing is too expensive when you're on a date with the most beautiful woman alive.
We have to break up.
What? [dishes crash] Hannah? Hannah? Sor geez sorry.
I'm sorry.
Hannah, Hannah, wait! What are you doing? I'm leaving! It's over, Sam! No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
I think you're just stressed out about your dissertation.
No.
Actually, I'm quitting my dissertation.
- You're quitting your dissertation? - Mhm.
Yeah.
A Masters degree isn't worth shit anymore.
How What about all the work you've done in micro or, uh macro bio You don't even know what I'm studying, do you? I do know what you're studying.
I know that it's important.
And that it's worth finishing.
Why don't we just go back inside, because I just ordered some tiny toasts that I think you're gonna - there's five different types of hummus.
- Okay, you're not hearing me.
I I am hearing you.
Okay, I'm hearing that you're upset about your research and you're kinda taking it out on me, - but that's okay.
- Sam No, no! Wait, what about this? Here's an idea.
Join my research team, okay? - Dog dreams? - Yeah! - No thank you.
- We're making great strides.
- Hannah, I think you - Stop.
I didn't want to say the clichéd "It's not you, it's me" thing.
Because It is you.
But it's also me.
I gotta find my own thing.
What about our thing? You know? - I thought we had something good.
- Yeah.
We had good times in the beginning.
So let's get back to that! You know, good times! Good times! - Good times! - Sam.
It's over.
Goodbye.
Wait, Hannah.
Um Can I just have a hug? Just, just for old time's sake? [music] I'm sorry, Sam.
I'm sorry too.
- What is that? - Don't worry, just look straight ahead.
- What are you doing? Wait, what? - Look straight MULLINS: Connor Harrison.
Top of your class at Regents Prep.
Winner of the prestigious Wittington scholarship.
4.
0 GPA.
That's an impressive resume, kid.
Some real Doogie Howser shit.
I'm sure high school was a ball.
You know what, now we can add kidnapping and using a university lab for illegal purposes to the list.
Wow.
- That's quite an accusation.
- Are you gonna dispute it? No.
- But my lawyer will.
- [laughing] - You're not getting a lawyer, dumbass.
- Uh news flash.
- This is America.
- Is it? How can you be so sure? You're a smart guy.
Haven't you read about all the secret black sites - we've got all over the world? - Yeah, maybe we're in one of those.
Maybe you're bluffing.
Do we look like people who bluff? Now back to the story.
You said you got a call from Sam.
SAM: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I I thought it was like one of those amnesia devices from Men In Black ! It's not the brain neuralizer from Men In Black, - you fucking idiot! - You should have told me that! Well, you shouldn't be stealing shit from my lab! Your lab? Your lab? It's our lab, okay? Don't forget that my money funds this place.
Your father's money.
Did I kill her? Killer killer party, dude [dog barking in distance] [car doors open] SAM: Is she brain dead? Oh, God, Connor.
What did I do? No, you didn't hurt her.
She's just in a temporary hypnotic state.
Wait, how temporary? With dogs it lasts four to six hours, with a human I don't know, maybe two? - Jesus, what the hell were you thinking?! - I don't know! I I thought I could erase all her bad memories.
You know? Help Hannah get back to the good times.
You only went out for three months! And that first month was magical! - Sam.
Listen to me.
- No, you listen.
She's smart.
And funny, and bold, and complex like that $1,100 bottle of champagne that I - definitely forgot to pay for.
- Buddy.
I get it.
She's your dream woman.
But clearly you are not her dream man.
- You need to figure out a way to move on.
- Dream man? Dream man.
Connor.
- The Brain Frame.
- The Brain Frame? - Yes, the Brain Frame.
- What about it? Don't you see? We hook Hannah up to the Brain Frame and then I become her dream man.
No way! I've only tested that thing on dogs! This is how I can show her - what a terrible mistake she's made.
- Absolutely not.
Are you listening to me? It's way too risky.
Screw the risk! Connor, this is trial by fire, baby! - This is where geniuses are forged! - You sound insane.
I sound insane? You know who else sounded insane? Galileo.
Uh, uh, uh, Benjamin Franklin.
Wayne Szalinski.
From Honey, I Shrunk the Kids ? Sam, he's fictional! What are you trying to pitch me? Do you want to be known as a weird puppy scientist in a basement lab for the rest of your life? Or do you want to fly a kite in a god damn lightning storm and become a legend? Appealing to my ego is useless.
Fine.
Then I'll take away your funding and you'll go back to TA'ing Chemistry 101.
You're an asshole.
Fine.
Yes! Yeah! [suspense music] [upbeat tempo music, clicking of typing on keyboard] [upbeat tempo music, clicking of typing on keyboard] Alright, how we looking? Not good.
The current simulations I have are too unstable.
What?! Don't give me excuses, Connor.
These aren't excuses.
If we're gonna do this, we need an anchor.
- A wingman.
- A wingman? The human mind is incredibly powerful, Sam.
Ten times more powerful than a canine's.
We need a third wheel to maintain stability.
We don't want to get lost in there.
Okay, what about your creepy lab assistant? - What's his name? - Larry.
- Larry.
- Larry! Holy shit Larry, how long have you been in here? I can be your wingman.
No, you're the navigator.
You're not mentally strong enough - to be the wingman.
- Connor.
No, he's right.
I have some pretty serious self esteem issues, and her subconscious would tear me to shreds.
But, I'm good with the pups.
Ain't I good with the pups? Yes, you're great with the puppies.
People call me the Puppy Master.
Nobody calls you that.
Okay, so who are we gonna get to be the wingman? Well, we need somebody smart, confident, borderline cocky.
No.
No, no, no.
Not him.
Come on Connor, I hate that guy.
I hate him too.
But he's the smartest, cockiest cock we know.
Slow it down, Berkman.
I can't slow down.
And it's actually sort of a problem.
You're funny.
And you blink too much.
If you blink a little less, I might take you home.
I've got a boyfriend.
His name's Stackhouse.
Oh, he sounds very, very smart.
Is Stackhouse blind or does he just like unattractive people? He's a football player, and when he gets back from the bathroom, he'll kick your ass.
I don't think so.
- You see, I know Krav Maga.
- What? Krav Maga? It's karate for Jews.
Berkman! Well, well, well.
Look who came crawling back.
It's my old friends.
Jude-asshole Iscariot and - Bene-dickhead Arnold.
- Good one.
Come back to the king to apologize, huh? Apologize? For what? Uh, for kicking me out of our house senior year.
You burned down our house with your secret meth lab.
Okay, first of all, it wasn't meth, it was molly.
And second of all, it wasn't a secret, you guys knew I was a party boy.
I even told you the first time we met.
I said, "I am a party boy.
I make my own molly.
And I am on molly right now.
" Yeah, that was a weird thing to say - in a Religious Studies class.
- Berkman, we need your help, okay? I cannot help you tonight.
I am sorry, but I am about to reel in a super wet fish.
'Cause I have been raining down some negs on her hard.
What are negs? Negs are when I say very, very mean things to you and it confuses you, like when you hold a magnet up to a bat's head.
[laughing] Oh my God! You are so funny! - I know.
- Come on, anyone but him.
Seriously, stop blinking.
It's freaking me out.
Shots? We are gonna live forever.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
[vomiting] I am so sorry.
- Son of a b - [smack] [crowd gasps] Yo, this guy just knocked out Stackhouse! Yeah, it's called a preemptive strike.
You've never heard of the Six Day War? [glass shatters] Fire! - I hate that guy.
- Everybody hates that guy.
Okay, who else is there? I changed my mind, I'd love to help you guys! - Oh, look who comes crawling back.
- [window breaking] Oh shit! Get out of the fucking car! Drive! Nobody pukes on Stackhouse! [bat slams on ground] Nobody! So what do you tiny peens need me to do for you, anyway? [music "Creator"] Got no need for the fancy things All the attention that it brings Tell me no, I say yes, I was chosen And I will deliver the explosion The fuck Are you talking about? I'm just telling you guys all the weird shit that was going on in that lab.
- That's what you wanna hear, right? - You're stalling.
What? I.
Am.
Not.
Stall ing.
Levi Berkman.
Roommate to Sam Wittington and Connor Harrison.
- Met Freshman year undergrad.
- Yeah, it was kind of a housing lottery.
They wouldn't have been my first choice of roommates, - to be honest.
- I mean, you've met the guys.
And you fell out Senior year after you were caught manufacturing and distributing illicit drugs.
Look, I didn't "fall out," I dropped out voluntarily.
It was my choice because college is a Ponzi scheme invented by Fannie Mae.
And as for the charges? I was never convicted.
- Right.
- Mhm.
You acted as your own legal council - on three separate arrests.
- And I won, so Where did you get your legal training? I'm a huge fan of Judging Amy.
Never missed an episode.
This one's a comedian, Hobbs.
[scoffs] I've done a few open mics.
Crushed it every time.
Yeah, well I'm not laughing, so Tell us about Larry.
I tried to tell you about Larry and all of his weird puppy dream shit, and you guys cut me off like a bunch of grumpy Guses.
We know about the beta testing on dogs.
Okay.
So what else do you want to know about Larry? Where is he?! So uh you guys don't actually have him here.
He's one core member we haven't located.
[scoffs] Well, I never would call him a "core member," but you know, whatever.
I think what you guys really want to know, is how this whole shit hurricane got started.
Oh yeah.
Little Sammy boy.
And his pathetic last shot at love.
[chalk scratches] [gas can rolling] What a shit hurricane.
Okay.
We didn't have time for a full psych eval, and I have some key questions that need to be answered before we enter Hannah's subconscious.
- Okay.
- It is essential that you answer me honestly, thoroughly, and without emotion.
I can do that.
Okay.
One: what did Hannah do today? Crush my soul and my will to live.
Gonna go with "break up.
" [chalk scratches] [typing] - Anything else? - Uh, she mentioned she watched Starship Troopers on TBS.
Okay.
That's a good film.
Question two: what are Hannah's biggest fears and stresses? My unwillingness to grow up, my constant need for approval, uh being stuck in a loveless relationship.
With me.
Anything that isn't centered around you? Not really, no.
Oh, I guess her aunt has cancer? That's probably stressful.
Uh, she just finished chemo.
Hannah's been in the hospital a lot recently.
Oh yeah, hospital.
That's really good.
- Mhm.
- We're definitely going to use that.
Okay.
Now this is the really important one.
Does Hannah have any recurring nightmares? - Nope.
- You're sure? Connor.
We're soul partners, okay? - We tell each other everything.
- Okay.
- No recurring - Bullshit! You guys stole my idea.
- I beg your pardon? - Remember? We were on shrooms and we were watching Inception, and I said, "Wouldn't it be rad if we could hack into a chick's brain and look at all her naughty dreams and see what type of panties she likes?" - Vaguely? - Yeah! That's my idea.
Because you casually mentioned something once while high? Also, there was that time I was on bath salts and we were watching Narnia, and I said, "Wouldn't it be cool if beavers could actually talk and build stuff for us?" And then you went and invented a microchip that helped monkeys learn sign language.
And I suppose you'd like credit for that too.
I think I deserve it.
Are we sure we need him? Oh, just because he's an awful and irredeemable human being doesn't mean his cerebellum isn't ideally suited for this kind of subconscious stimulation.
Thank you.
That means an awful lot.
Oh! There it is! There's that shit-eating grin I hate so much.
Look, Sam.
If you wanna win Hannah back, it takes three strong minds to keep her dream stable.
[sighs] Fine.
Berkman, you are the real genius behind all of this.
Great.
Now, I just have one question.
Who is the AMBER Alert back there? That would be Larry T.
Johnson.
Navigator of this here synaptic starship.
- I don't like you.
- Berkman.
Ah, don't worry about it.
It's a common reaction people have to my face and general presence.
Well, you better get used to him.
Because if it gets nasty in there, he's the one who's gonna save us.
Uh sorry, save us from what? - Nightmares, seizures, embolisms.
- What? Yeah.
Just the usual suspects.
Relax.
None of that is going to happen - as long as you follow the rules.
- Oh, uh, Connor.
B-T-W.
I got that two-ply that you asked for, for your uh - Two-ply? What are you talking about? - Yeah, remember, 'cause the Shhh, I don't have time for this.
Okay, guys, the very important rules.
Okay, fuck the rules.
This is science.
- Larry! Hit it! - You got it! Wait, no, no, no! No, no, no! [electricity zapping, music] [music picks up] Whoa, this is a trip.
[silence] [music starting back up] - [silence] - SAM: Where are we? [flare lights and burns] Welcome to the Brain Frame.
[flare burns, music pulsing] The Brain Frame? So it's a machine that allows you to place yourself inside another person's mind.
Sure, in layman's terms, I guess you could put it that way.
So you go inside Hannah's head? How does that even look? [beeping, music] It looks exactly the way I designed it to look.
[fast paced music] [silence]