CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Episode Scripts

N/A - Last Laugh

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the Comedy Hall's very own Michael Borland.
(applause) Look, look, the Kennedys killed Marilyn Monroe.
I'm pretty sure the gunman in the grassy knoll was either Arthur Miller or Joe DiMaggio.
"Bang my wife, will ya?" (imitates gunshot) (laughing) "Hey, if you'd have me, I'd ask you to marry me.
Hell, somebody's got to clean my apartment.
" Hey, how many of you people know the theme to Gilligan's Island? (applause) All right.
Now, how many of you can recite the Bill of Rights? That's-that's-that's Who cares? It's really not that important.
We don't use it anymore.
(mumbling) (laughing) I hear a lot of folks saying, "You know, if it wasn't for the US, the, uh, French would be speaking German.
" (mild applause) Yeah, well, if it, if it wasn't for the French, you'd be speaking Cherokee.
Get off the stage! Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I hurt your brains? "That's my time, everybody.
"Tip for the night: If you don't know what you're doing, "don't do it harder.
Good night, everybody!" (laughing) Zip me up.
(sighs) Anything else? Yeah.
Laugh.
It recently came out that Jesus could've had siblings.
Could you imagine growing up having Jesus in your family? "Why can't you be more like your brother?" What's up, dude? "Uh, 'cause he's the Messiah.
He's the son of God.
" Hi, ladies.
All right.
"When your brother's home, we always have wine.
" Caught your act on the tube last night.
You knocked them out.
I had to turn up the volume, I was laughing so loud.
This art exhibit get any laughs? Hey, come on, you're my only headliner, you know that.
Well, I'm Michael Borland, and that's my time and that's your silence.
All right, now, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to your headliner this evening (loud cheering, rock theme plays) a man I'm sure you know from his hit TV show, Dougie to the Max, Mr.
Dougie Max! (cheering and applause) Save me.
Remember when I used to open for you? (rock theme playing) What's up, Vegas? (cheering and applause) (cheering and groaning) Hey, kid, it's a cruel world.
(cheering and applause) Ain't it great? Bam! Welcome to The Tragedy Hall.
Hey, you hear the one about the comedian who died onstage? Literally.
Bah-dum-bum.
I'll be here all week.
Maybe he slipped on a banana peel.
Bah-dum-bum.
Hmm.
Crowd thought it was part of his act till he didn't get up.
Hi, David.
Hey, Catherine.
Well, there's no foam on the mouth.
No discoloration around the lips.
Pupils aren't dilated.
No overt evidence of a drug overdose.
When was the last time a comedian died of natural causes? Clenched fist classic Levine sign.
He's awfully young for a heart attack.
Well, live fast, die young I forget the rest.
Excuse me! Could someone turn down the house lights, and turn up the stage lights? Thank you.
I want to see what he saw right before he died.
What do you see? Nothing.
What are you looking for? A punchline? Bah-dum-bum.
(garbled radio transmission) See, here's a switch.
They've got him rolling in the aisles.
Well, I guess he's off to a better place.
Any place would be better than this dump.
Hey, hey! Sorry, Alan.
I didn't see you.
At least Dougie put laughter in the air and asses in the seats and drinks on the tabs.
I loved that guy.
Took me 15 years to find the next Kinison, and the minute I do, he gets a sitcom.
Now I have to pay him a king's ransom to come back here once a year, and this is where he started.
(laughs) Figures the bastard would die on me.
You know, l-I should put up a sign, you know, like in Dealey Plaza, "Kennedy Shot Here," "Dougie Dropped Here.
" Hey, Alan, you got a spot open now.
What do you say tomorrow you give me some time? You got a job.
You want to keep it? Dougie was a hack with hack material who caught a break and never let anybody forget it.
Oh, you want suspects? Here, check out the wall.
Any one of these guys'd kill to have his stage.
Oh, China.
Six bottles of Innoko water.
Three partially filled, three unopened.
Don't go Cousteau on me here.
It was all part of his shtick.
He was like Tarkanian with the towel.
You know, always biting and pacing.
Dougie's mantra was, "It's a cruel world.
Ain't it great?" Uh, it was low-brow.
Strictly chug-and-belch.
Laughter is an involuntary motor response triggered by survival issues: Food, sex, body functions death.
Yeah, it's a cruel world.
So, who has access to the Green Room? Well, according to who? According to me, just the talent.
According to these meat sticks the world.
All right.
I would like to see everyone's wallet.
I don't need to see your identification.
Just open your wallets.
Uh, it says I'm I know that, in Nevada law, if there's a 25-pound discrepancy, that that's actually against the law.
Thank you.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
In this one I'm wearing a thong.
That's more than I needed to know.
Thank you.
(chuckling) (garbled radio transmission in distance) When was the last time you used this credit card? What? (garbled radio transmission) O.
O.
D.
? Myocardial necrosis.
Just what you'd expect from a heart attack, only I didn't find any blockages consistent with coronary disease.
He was remarkably healthy for a dead guy.
Well, Dougie Max had more than comedy in his blood.
Tox came back positive for coke.
The answer is the three main ways to take cocaine.
All right, Alex.
What is snorting it, smoking it, or injecting it? Very good.
The answer is normal nasal passages, clear lungs, and no track marks on the body.
Continuing this childish metaphor, what is how did the drugs get into his system? We'll have to wait for Final Jeopardy.
(sighs) (exhaling) My client has agreed to plead to possession and answer any questions.
Nothing she tells you can be interpreted as criminal intent Well, that's between you and the DA.
The preliminary tox screen on Dougie Max came back positive for cocaine.
Dougie was in a program, okay? It was my cocaine.
He wasn't using.
It was in his blood.
Well Dougie always liked to do a little hum-and-coke before a show.
Cocaine on the foreskin, or any skin, for that matter, is not a stimulant; it's a numbing agent.
Right.
That was the idea.
You see, the goal wasn't to pop the cork.
It was to shake the bottle.
Sounds frustrating.
Dougie liked to go out on stage frustrated.
I ran away from home at age 25.
I drank and I whored (cheering) and I got my own show! (cheering) Yeah, Dougie to the Max, bee-yatch! Gave him an edge.
That was Dougie's philosophy: Go in hot burn the place down.
Oh, you're making coffee.
Good.
I could use some.
How do you take it? Today, high-octane black.
I need your help with something.
Shoot.
A few weeks ago, Homicide gets called to Green Valley.
A woman in her 40s slips in the bathtub and drowns.
You know, cracked skull, raccooned eyes I mean, a traumatic death, but nothing suspicious.
OSI found what? I didn't call them in.
I ruled it an accident.
What changed? Last night I saw the husband out on the town.
I mean, I could tell you something, Nick.
Three weeks ago, this guy was devastated.
(sobbing) I should've been here.
What am I going to do? I mean, she was my life.
Onward and upward.
No, but this is way upward.
I mean, trades in his beat-up old Acura for a brand-new Ferrari.
He's with a girl who gives more lift-off than-than Cape Canaveral.
(laughs) People grieve in different ways, man.
No, I understand that.
I got no problem with that.
I'm not a priest.
That's why I called the life insurance carrier.
And check this out.
The morning Shelley Stark was found, George Stark made a call to the life insurance agent.
Went like this: "My wife is dead.
I want my money.
" I mean, just like that.
All in one breath.
What's the payout? $750,000.
Now, I got the police report, autopsy protocol, detective summary, and scene photos.
You sure you're not looking for Grissom? I'm chasing something that Gil Grissom isn't interested in a hunch.
I don't have to run any tests.
You cannot absorb enough cocaine through your penis to OD.
Cite your source.
I don't have a source.
That's why we did the tests.
Whatever.
All right, who wants it? Cocaine levels are less than.
05 milligrams per liter.
Way too low.
That's not what killed him.
So what did? Well, according to your blood sample, naratriptamine.
The new migraine medication? Mm-hmm.
Powerful stuff.
And what were the levels in the vic? the recommended dosage.
Ooh.
Dougie Max was poisoned.
To the max.
Cop shots.
No rulers, no markers.
Just a bathroom, a towel bar, and a dead woman.
Injuries are consistent with an accident.
Yeah, but the contusion to the back of the head was not fatal.
Abbreviated autopsy.
Dr.
Robbins oversaw.
Cause of death: Drowning.
It jibes with the husband's account.
It jibes with the detective's account.
There is nothing in this file that suggests anything other than an accident.
I don't know, Sara other people's notes, other people's photos, evidence twice-removed.
No OSI ever even got to look at it.
Do you want to go to the bathroom? Consumables from the club that matched Dougie's stomach contents.
We know that he had naratriptamine in his system, and we also know that the poison was ingested.
Because Spam can't be absorbed through the penis, and if you ask me to cite my source I'll take your word for it.
Death by chocolate again? Hmm.
I'm Nick Stokes, that's Sara Sidle over there, with the Vegas crime lab.
We're just here to Miss, plea-please-please don't get so close to the car, all right? The alarm is really delicate.
We're not really as concerned with the car, sir.
What we'd like to do is look at your bathroom.
Um, why, wha-what would you like to look at the bathroom for? Like I said, we're with the Crime Lab.
We're here to tie up some loose ends regarding your wife's case.
I appreciate how thorough you guys are being, but I got I got to be honest.
This is pretty painful territory for me.
Right.
I mean, it's still pretty hard to get up in the morning without Shelley.
I understand (knocks on car, alarm sounding) Ma'am, miss, I thought I Sorry.
L-l-l-I'm sorry.
I, uh Your neighbors are looking.
I'll get the keys.
Come on.
Come on in.
It smells like fresh paint.
Yeah, I had the whole place redone this week.
Bad memories.
Did you replace the tub? No.
But you replaced the fixtures.
There used to be a towel bar there.
Yeah.
Would you by any chance have the old towel bar lying around somewhere? No, the contractor tossed it.
It was junk.
Came with the house.
This whole subdivision comes stock.
In fact, the first thing the broker told me when I bought it if I ever want to sell, invest in upgrades.
You selling? Too big for one person.
Thank you.
Uh, thanks for your time.
Mmm.
You pulled the plug kind of early.
What's going on? Yeah, that bathroom's not the crime scene anymore.
I say we go with the next best thing.
Model home.
Model home.
What do Socrates, Edgar Allan Poe, and Dougie Max have in common? They all drank themselves to death.
You've isolated the source of the poison? Naratriptamine Innoko water bottle number three.
(cheering and applause) Oh, God.
What about the other bottles? Olean.
Okay.
I need you to process that bottle for trace impurities.
Got it.
Anything that might've mixed in with the poison could help us identify the original source.
We identify the source maybe we identify the killer.
Where are you going? To get a drink.
with 75 identical floor plans.
I never thought I'd be grateful for cookie cutter homes.
Like bees in a hive.
Gives me the creeps.
You sure you don't want me to do this? Are you kidding? I live for this.
And Shelley Stark and I are the same height and weight.
Yeah, but you're taller, thinner.
Oh, butter that toast, Nick.
(laughs) (clears throat) Okay, I'm Shelley Stark.
My bath is over, and I'm about to get out, so I brace myself with my left hand, and I'm getting up at a 45-degree angle, and I slip so, I grab the first thing I can.
Towel bar.
Towel bar.
Okay.
So, at this point, all of my weight is being supported by this bar.
And it doesn't budge.
No.
(laughs) You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine but this thing is coming down.
(clears throat) Okay.
You sure you don't want me to do that? No.
(grunting) Okay.
Sara.
(grunts) There is no way that Shelley Stark brought down this towel bar.
You want me to give it a shot? (rattling) (pants) Someone took a lot of effort to make this look like an accident.
Yeah, about $750,000 worth of effort.
Okay, so you know the thing that drives me crazy about men? You know how they take the toilet paper, and then they put it up on top of the holder.
What is that? Do they not see that? Are they just busy looking at their underwear on the floor? (laughs) I got a nickname for my man.
I call him Mr.
Drop-and-Stay, 'cause if he drops it, man, it just stays there.
God, uh, ooh, well, and that's my time.
Uh, you've been six empty tables, and I'll see you in hell.
Modern version of the old hook.
Welcome to Open Mike Night, guys.
What can I get you? Information.
Wow, your coffee stinks.
Oh, really.
I'm sorry it's not up to the standards of your crap-ass home brew, but that'll be five bucks all the same, my friend.
Dougie Max's Innoko water bottles that were on the stage his last performance who set them up? Yours truly.
Bartender.
Mr.
Max had very acquired tastes.
Lofty demands, you know.
Six pristine Innoko water bottles, labels all facing the Luxor.
And a Green Room? Forget it.
Silver tray, Spam, Choco Bees all blue.
Not-not to mention that, uh, passionfruit stuff what is it, two bucks a pop? Try to find that stuff.
Let's get back to the water.
It was poisoned.
Really? Mmm.
The, uh, bottles you took out to the stage where'd they come from? That Dougie's private stash.
Well, besides you and Dougie, who had access to it? Nobody's allowed behind the bar besides the bar staff and me.
But no one listens to him.
You got a bottle opener? Hey, that's going on your tab, you leech.
I'm scared.
Well, you've got a temper and a record.
Assault.
Club in Tucson.
Yeah, I had a temper, until I kicked the crap out of a heckler for interrupting my closing bit.
Do you get headaches? I'm getting one right now.
We want all the Innoko water to go.
Warrick this just in.
D.
B.
At a convenience store on Torrey Pines.
You're all I got.
I'm on it.
Oh, hey, listen.
I checked the bartender's medical records.
The guy's had six different prescriptions for migraines in the last two years.
Guess which one he's on now? Naratriptamine.
I'm Warrick Brown from OSI.
You want to tell me what happened here? I don't know.
Kid walks in.
He goes down an aisle.
Next thing I know, he drops dead.
Where'd he start? He was pacing back and forth, scoping the place out.
I always spot those kids.
People don't know.
You consume food or drink in the store, it's the same as shoplifting until you pay for it.
What'd he steal? A beverage.
He put it back before I could catch him.
Where? Over here.
This isn't funny anymore.
Total recall.
We pulled 140 bottles of Innoko water off the shelves in this store alone.
There's 500 convenience stores in Vegas.
We need to get this product off the shelves now.
Grocery stores, restaurants, wholesalers Right now, it looks like only your Innoko water product is involved.
OSI is going to need the name of any recent firings, anyone with a lawsuit against the company, anyone who's made threats against the company anyone with an axe to grind.
I know that we risk panic, Chief, but I'd rather risk that than have another victim.
Hang on.
We need to find out what's in there.
I'm back.
Yeah.
Right.
I checked her lungs bath water.
And the blow to the back of the head consistent with a fall.
Besides, Homicide reported that nothing at the scene indicated foul play, so, there was no reason to do more than an abbreviated autopsy.
No one's impugning your work, Doctor.
Yeah, it's nothing personal, Doc.
Well, this is personal, Nick.
I tend to take my work to heart, and when the two of you come in here asking me to sign a court-ordered request for an exhumation of a body that's already left my hands, I tend to take it very personally.
Look, I'm the one who said Shelley Stark's death was an accident, and I'm the one with second thoughts.
I mean, it's my ass on the line.
That's wrong, Captain.
It's my ass on the line.
I don't think the two of you are sensitive to what we're really talking about here.
First of all, exhumations are costly and public.
Makes this office look inept, and that's just internally.
God forbid it gets in the newspaper.
Remember something the public does not understand abbreviated autopsy.
All they hear is "Oh, what did he miss?" No one's saying you missed anything.
We have new evidence.
We need to reevaluate the body.
Respectfully, Nick, I don't think you understand.
I think I do understand.
Yeah, Nick Give us a minute, will you? Just a minute.
Neither of us want to be wrong, but this isn't about the press, the public, your office, you or me.
This is about Shelley Stark.
Now, we can do one of two things.
We can do nothing, let this guy walk, or we can go to work, exhume the body, and find new evidence.
Now, it's your call.
The poison in both bottles is naratriptamine.
Same trace impurities in the water sulfides, phenols, amino acid complexes and caffeine.
So, we've got two bottles of poisoned Innoko water one from a comedy club on Western, the other from a convenience store halfway across town.
What's the connection? There may not be one; it could just be random.
So, how are we going to get this guy? You know, they never caught the guy who put the cyanide in the Tylenol back in the '80s.
They found out how the bottles were tampered with.
That's where safety seals came from.
No injection holes in the bottle from the Speedy Mart.
Do you see anything? No no, nothing yet.
Wait a minute.
It's in the threads.
Would you like to try one from the Comedy Hole? Mr.
Phillips, she's not going to hop out of that coffin by herself.
Doc, I'm not quite sure how to proceed.
First exhumation.
Well, it's very simple.
You open it up.
Now, if she grabs you, use your free hand and hold her down, okay? Okay.
(lid squeaking) Wow.
She's pretty well-preserved.
Well, embalming does Removes the blood, retards bacterial growth, and, uh, pickles the tissue.
David, would you do me a favor? Go to the store and buy some cold cream.
Why? Her makeup it's got to come off.
Oh.
Okay.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Thanks, Dave.
Las Vegas awakens today with a terrible realization that our city may face a new and deadly menace.
collapsed and died this morning shortly after drinking a bottle of Innoko water at a convenience store near Torrey Pines.
What kind of sick bastard would do something like this? The question isn't who it's how.
As in how do they expect this lab to test 40,000 bottles of overpriced tap water? If we have to, one bottle at a time until we find every tainted bottle.
The events occurred on opposite ends of town, and investigators have not yet established a definite connection between the two deaths.
But Las Vegas residents fear the worst that our city may be in the grip of a product-tampering nightmare.
You know how they tested for the cyanide in the Tylenol case? Hodges? One, two, three? (imitates buzzer) They took it to the airport.
They x-rayed bottles in bulk using baggage scanners.
Nice cyanide's opaque to X rays.
Yeah, cyanide and X rays that's a lucky break.
But any of you geniuses have a "lucky" test for naratriptamine? We've got a bigger problem than we thought we had.
Why are you looking at me? I'm not looking at you.
Yes, you are.
We think that we nailed the tampering method.
The poison wasn't inside the bottle.
It was on the bottle cap.
We think that the killer dripped a solution of naratriptamine into the threads of the bottle cap.
Capillary action pulled the solution into the threads, where it dried into white crystals.
Oh, so, each time Dougie Max and Casey Flynn took a sip, the liquid came in contact with the threads and washed back into the bottle.
And so the poison I found in the Innoko water was backwash.
Which means that we're going to have to take the caps off of 40,000 bottles.
Right now, that's the way it looks.
Great.
I need to see the lot numbers of the bottles you pulled from the convenience store.
I got all the stacks arranged by locations, so the convenience store is right here.
The tainted bottles didn't come from this lot.
Well, the bottle that killed Casey Flynn came from this store.
Somebody may have just walked in and put it there, though.
Where are the bottles from the comedy club? Over here.
These are a match.
So, the source of the poison bottles was the comedy club.
Maybe the killer wanted us to think it was random product tampering.
Why? To cover up one murder with another.
I've never seen mold like this.
Embalming fluid's a witch's brew of formaldehyde, phenol, methanol and alcohol, perfume and pink coloring agent.
Kills the bacteria, but mold feeds on it? Yeah.
It's like bathing an infant, Nick.
Soft and always in motion.
What's wrong? I'm not doing it right? No, you're doing fine.
See the bruising on her back and her right elbow? It's consistent with her fall.
But it wasn't in your report.
Well, it wasn't evident four weeks ago.
Subtle bruising may not be evident at the time of death, but it can be accentuated by the embalming process after the body leaves my slab.
This bruising would have meant nothing to the mortician.
They're in the beauty business.
It's my job to spot them, their job to cover them.
Let's turn her over.
Got her? Yeah.
Here we go.
All right, let's see what's under that makeup.
Bruises on her face.
Brass was right.
We are looking at murder.
Naratriptamine comes in tablet form.
In order to get it in the solution, you'd have to grind it up.
There were traces of caffeine with the naratriptamine.
Right, so how did it get there? Maybe it got there during the grinding process.
There was a coffee grinder in the Green Room at the Comedy Hole.
Do you provide your comedians with coffee or do they brew their own? Around here you get generic.
If they want something special, they can bring a thermos.
Just take whatever you want, okay? Knock yourself out.
That's the last picture taken of Dougie Max before he died.
Doesn't the red light mean "get off the stage"? No, the red light means "get off the stage now.
" So why were you giving Dougie Max the red light? He's my headliner.
I wasn't giving him the red light.
We're going to need a sample of everyone's DNA.
All right, gentlemen.
Good afternoon.
Could you line up for me, please.
Right up here, please.
Is this going to take a long time? I've got a 4:00 bikini wax that I don't want to miss.
I got to get my wig redone like in a half hour, so if we I have plenty of time.
I have no career.
Right, well, I can see you all know how to open your mouths, so, good.
Ready? Just give me an "O.
" I need a lot of foreplay.
Oh, well, then maybe I should use a rectal swab.
Ah oh.
Good boy.
Okay, who's next for some foreplay? Oh, a nail biter, huh? You mind if I see your hands? I'm one of 11 kids from 12 dads.
You figure it out.
Yeah, I gave him the red light.
What are you going to do, arrest me for distraction with intent to humiliate? I'm guilty.
What? Are you kidding me? I was joking.
Funny.
You know, something about your wife's case never felt right to me.
It bugged me, kept me up at night.
It's not because you called your insurance company and filed a claim the next day.
It's your policy; it's your right.
It's not because you bought a new Ferrari; it's your money.
Or because you're with a beautiful girl.
I mean, you just lost your wife, you need some companionship.
No.
Because of something you said.
What am I going to do? She was my life.
You said, "She was my life.
" Not is.
That's why I'm sitting here? Because I used the wrong tense at the time of my wife's death? No, hold on a minute.
I've been a detective for half my life.
I can count on one hand the times surviving spouses used the past tense, and I got to tell you, I'll be damned if every one of them wasn't guilty of something.
Now, I mean, that's just me.
I mean, in a court of law it means nothing.
NIOK: But this and this and this mean everything.
The fact that you're left-handed doesn't hurt us either.
Hurts you, though.
Wait a minute.
I haven't seen these.
New evidence.
Body was exhumed by a court order.
Second autopsy.
You dug her up? Mm-hmm.
I didn't give anyone permission to dig her up.
You're a suspect in a murder case.
We don't need your permission.
Can they do that? Yeah.
You killed your wife, George.
I loved my wife.
And she loved you.
Which is why she didn't react when you walked into the bathroom that night.
You staged the crime scene.
You see, it's physically impossible for her to pull that towel rack off the bathroom wall.
It was an accident.
You said so yourself.
I was wrong.
I see the pictures.
I hear the theories.
Still doesn't make my client a murderer.
(indistinct muttering) Hey! Hey! Hey! That's my car! What are you? What the hell is going on here? This is harassment.
We don't have enough to file charges, but the insurance company feels they got more than enough.
Civil charges.
Translated: That means they want their cheese back, man.
They want their $750K.
They can just take my car? For starters, yeah.
This isn't the end of our criminal investigation there, George.
It's just the beginning.
That's present tense.
The coffee you bagged from the club doesn't match the tainted Innoko water.
That's the bad news.
Still listening.
You know what I have that you want in the mornings? Apart from my devilish grin and rakish good looks, of course.
I like your coffee.
No, no.
You love my coffee.
And you want to know why? It's Blue Hawaiian.
hand-picked I know, the finest money can buy.
No, not even close.
Just let me get there.
Now caffeine by itself is not distinctive.
It's in all kinds of coffee by definition.
Now the trace amino acid complex, on the other hand, is a signature.
Okay, so you've identified the type of coffee.
Kopi Luwak.
The most expensive coffee in the world.
Revered for its rich, chocolatey texture and made from the excrement of a small Indonesian cat-like creature known as a luwak.
Oat feces? The luwak eats only the ripest beans, which pass through its digestive system intact.
However, during the process enzymes break down a number of amino acids which cause bitterness.
And leaves a unique chemical signature.
So whichever one of your suspects drinks Kopi Luwak is your killer.
We are a bashing nation.
Gay bashing? You know what that is? That's guys going, "I hate you 'cause you're queer and you're gay "and you're kind of attractive "and I would like to have sex with you but I'm in the closet "so I'll just beat you up "and then play with myself in my Trans Am on the way home.
" Boo.
Boo? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you.
Hey, you know what? If that offends you, perhaps you should just come out of the closet and move on with your life.
You're going to feel so much better.
You know, you are what you hate.
(one person clapping lightly) All right, um Mm, I'm a little dehydrated.
I hope you don't mind if I replenish my bodily fluids.
Mm (laughing) (applause) It's a cruel world Ain't it great? Yeah.
You know what you'd like? How many people would like it if I just, if I just dropped trou right now and peed on Vin Diesel's head, huh? (cheering) Wouldn't you like that? I'll do it.
I'm willing to do it for you good people.
Oh, I'll do it.
(cheering) Open wide.
I'm flattering myself, ladies and gentlemen.
You don't have to open up that wide.
See, I'm implying I have a tiny, tiny penis.
That's what that joke would be.
Ergo, the comedy.
I'm talking about penises.
You just want to eat out of that toilet bowl.
Yum, yum.
(cheering) Shut up.
(cheering) Shut up.
Don't you get it? Are you that stupid? I am making fun of you.
I am the lowest common denominator in comedy when I do that crap.
The only way I could get you to stop laughing now is if I went to every single table and slit every one of your throats.
I can see that I am getting the red light, ladies and gentlemen, and that means it's time for me to stop.
Stop with the hate and stop with the fear.
Stop with the lies.
Comedy, uh, comedy's supposed to be about the truth.
You know, uh, I killed tonight.
And, uh, I killed, uh, two nights ago.
Dougie Max.
Uh on this stage.
'Cause I despised everything he stood for.
Dumb people, like you.
You think I did a disservice to the world by killing Dougie Max? You ought to give me a parade.
But the shame of it is, is that, uh, an innocent kid got killed, too, and, uh I blame you.
Yeah, I, uh I didn't think you were going to get the joke.
Oh, I got it.
It just wasn't funny.