Dilbert (1999) s01e10 Episode Script

Y2K

Hmm hmm.
Huh.
According to my perpetual calendar program June 30 in the year 2014 will be a Thursday.
Did you know that? If I say yes, will you not talk? No.
This is kind of interesting.
Guess what day of the week is the first day of the year 2222.
Two-sday? No, but that would've been good, too.
More importantly, which is better, Paris or Rome? Better? Paris.
Which is better, Prague or Budapest? Why does it matter which is better? Prague.
Which is better What're you doing? I have to RSVP to my millennium parties.
Millennium parties? Yes.
Which is better, Hong Kong or Singapore? Wait a minute.
Maybe my invitations have been lost in the mail.
Oh, who cares? I never liked New Year's Eve anyway And this one's no different.
Except that everyone on earth will be celebrating the end of the millennium.
Well everyone except you.
I don't care! I will not be pressured into having fun just because we arbitrarily use a base ten counting system and a big round number is coming up.
If I'm going to have fun, I want a good reason.
Well said so, which is better Lisbon or Istanbul? Oh, come on.
I can't be the only person Not getting invitations to millennium parties.
Which is better Tokyo or Munich? Do you guys have any party plans for New Years Eve, 1999? Oh, yeah, of course.
Only a total loser would have no plans for the biggest night ever in our lifetime.
What are you doing, Dilbert? Me? I, uh I got plans.
I'm planning to link up with my survivalist militia group and loot a National Guard ammunitions dump.
Do you know something I don't? Hello? The millennium bug? When the date hits 2000, all computers will malfunction and the world will plunge into chaos.
I don't want to be outgunned.
We won't a have a year 2000 problem in this company.
All of our computers are new.
Not all.
You're forgetting Black Betty.
Black Betty.
That mainframe was replaced years ago.
Black Betty.
Did you say Black Betty? Boy I haven't thought about old Black Betty in ages- Maybe never.
But she's real.
As real as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom at night and steals my underwear.
About that mainframe Not now.
I'm reminiscing.
Where was I? Black Betty.
Yes, Black Betty the mainframe.
Boy, oh, boy.
We thought about replacing her years ago but then we thought "Well, why not just cobble our new systems "to the old one with untold miles of spaghetti code and obsolete coax cable?" Why'd you do that?! It was an executive decision.
We figured it would save money in the short run and only later plunge the company into darkness after we executives had all left for other companies.
But you're still here.
Brinksmanship- I live for it.
You know how sometimes you're driving down the freeway and you pull into the oncoming lane intentionally only to swerve away at the last minute? That was you? You ran me off the road.
Stared destiny right in the face.
You could've killed me.
Sorry.
Anyway, which is better, Jakarta or Geneva? We have to do something about the millennium bug.
The millennium bug? Are you telling me that Han Solo's ship is here? That's the Millennium Falcon.
I'm talking about the year 2000 problem: Y2K.
Oh, yes, um T3G.
Pardon? B9C.
"B9C"? Look, if our computer systems are all connected to Black Betty, some ancient mainframe- Oh! Oh! E4J.
This is fun.
we're out of business when the date changes.
You mean all the technology is going to break? Yes! Is there any way this "collapse of civilization" thing could affect me, personally? I think it might.
Okay, then.
You have my full support to fix the problem.
Unless it involves any sort of resources or decisions or effort on my part.
Remember: Money is no object.
Unless, of course, you plan to spend it.
Me? Why is it up to me? Because you brought it up.
You know the rules.
He who complains is assigned to fix it.
That only applies to little things.
This could be the biggest project in our company's history.
And I've never even seen that Black Betty mainframe.
No one has, for years.
It's quite splendiferous.
You've seen it? I helped install it.
Of course, that was years ago, before the life force was drained from my body and I became a selfish and apathetic shell of a man.
Then you can help.
I don't think you were listening.
Besides, I don't even remember back then.
You have to help, Wally.
The career of every employee depends on it.
If our mainframe goes nuts, we'll lose our payroll system.
Our pension database.
The personnel records.
It will be as if we never even worked here.
For me, every day is like that.
You know what I mean.
If we go down, you're going down with us.
Shh, shh Yes, I want the gold card, the silver card and the platinum card.
Are there any other heavy metals that you make cards in? Okay, then.
Send them out.
Wally, what are you doing? Welcoming in the millennium.
By ordering credit cards? That's right.
I'm applying for every credit card I can get my hands on.
Then I'll take huge cash advances and wait for the millennium bug to hose the banks' computers.
They'll never be able to bill me.
You would have made a great evil mastermind.
No, the hours are too long.
Alice, you got to help me on this year 2000 project.
I need a team.
I would, but I don't have time.
I'm buried with work.
Maybe you should come with me to see the director of Human Resources.
He might have a company-sponsored program for time management.
Asok, we need your help on the year 2000 project.
I'd like to help, but I'm just an intern.
I have no experience with computers made before the '90s.
Come with us to see the director of Human Resources.
Maybe he knows of some company-sponsored training you can take.
Wally Shh, I'm securing a home equity loan.
But you don't own a home.
I don't, but my good friend Bob does.
Who's Bob? I'm Bob.
Oh.
Sheesh.
But Wally, you're our best hope.
You've got to help on the year 2000 problem.
You were there.
You know where the date code is on the old mainframe.
I don't remember any of it.
It was a long time ago.
Yes, I'm holding.
Come with us to see the director of Human Resources.
Maybe he has some sort of company-sponsored program to regain lost memories.
Aaah! Bob? Bob, are you there? Hello, Bob? Dogbert, I need you.
Meet me at work.
What do you want? We came to see Mr.
Catbert.
What for? Well, I need 45 more people to help me on the year 2000 project.
I need more time.
I need experience.
I need a memory.
What about the dog? I'm perfect, but thanks for asking.
Mr.
Catbert is busy.
Go away! We could shove Asok, the intern, through the opening and he can unlock the door from the other side.
I could never fit in that tiny- Oh Note to self: Get smarter troll to guard door.
We need your help.
I can't help.
Why not? It's a company policy.
Aren't you the one who makes the company policies? Do I have a great job or what? If you don't help us we'll be stuck here and we'll never be able to go home.
Dilbert, you don't need me.
You have everything you need right here.
Take Asok here.
He has no experience.
I am a blank slate.
But what he doesn't realize is that cynicism is almost the same thing as experience.
It is? Sure.
Just try thinking the worst about people and you'll usually be right.
I feel wiser already.
And Alice.
You need more time.
But that's only because you spend so much time with your hair and makeup in the morning.
That's a necessity.
Only in your mind.
You mean I'm beautiful just the way I am? No.
I mean it's a lost cause.
You should put that time to better use.
What about Wally? He needs a memory.
Wally doesn't need a real MEMORY.
I don't? No.
Recent court rulings have proven false memory is just as good as the real thing.
Maybe better.
How do I get one of those? Hypnosis will do the trick.
I have some books right here.
Let me see those.
You don't have these on video, do you? Okay, this is a start, but I still need more bodies.
Don't you have a list of surplused employees? Well, I don't usually do this.
Do what? Be helpful.
But I do have a list of employees who have recently been terminated.
How does that help? They're still on the payroll for two more weeks.
They're all described in this binder.
The useless guy.
The useless guy will take up space and eat your doughnuts.
Sometimes he will clip articles from publications and leave them on your chair.
Ted, the generic guy.
He has no distinct characteristics.
People who have known him for years can't describe him.
There may be more than one Ted in the company.
No one really knows.
Zimbu, the monkey.
Smarter than the average simian.
Writes computer code at record speed thanks to his tail.
They aren't much, but they'll have to do.
Can you regress him to his earlier days as an engineer, when he helped install the mainframe? I'm not up to the regression chapter yet.
What have YOU LEARNED? I can make him walk a tightrope across a ravine.
Does it have to be a ravine? Can it be any sort of chasm? Sure.
Ravine or gulch or chasm.
Orgasm Huh? Oops, I skipped a chapter.
Mom? In here, dear.
Push a little harder.
Get your shoulder into it.
Mom, what are you doing? Stockpiling.
Stockpiling? Why? Where have you been? Haven't you heard about Y2K? Heard of it? I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my whole company.
You are? God help them.
Thanks, Mom.
Maybe you should start hoarding essential supplies before it's too late.
Why are you hoarding hair conditioner? I had a coupon.
Mom, it would be a lot easier to talk to you if I could see you.
I'm not here.
I'm at the Warehouse Shopping Club with a moving van.
Am I so predictable you can record your side of the conversation in advance? Yes, you are so predictable I can record my side of the conversation in advance.
Put it back.
Excuse me.
I need to get out.
Get out? Nobody gets out.
Haven't you learned that by now? I mean the driveway.
I know what you mean.
The question is, do you KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN? What do you mean? You're concerned about Y2K.
You're afraid you won't be able to solve the problem in time.
That you'll go down in history as the goat of the new millennium.
How do you know that? It's written all over your face.
If you're so smart, what do I do about the year 2000 problem? Don't fight the problem.
Embrace it.
You are Y2K.
I am Y2K.
Are you just going to keep repeating what I say? Okay.
Embrace it.
Got it.
Finally.
Uh, excuse me.
I still need to get out.
They never listen.
This all looks pretty optional.
And then he says, "Do you KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN?" And I said- Fix it yet? Not yet.
Okay.
As I was saying Cut it out! I'm not doing anything! Your tail is poking my face! Your face is poking my tail! Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves.
We just did that.
Can anyone pay attention here? Can I say something? What?! Nothing! It's just been a while since I said anything! Now, Ted It seems to me you might be able to Ted? I was saying you might be able to- Ted, I- Ted.
Ted! Are you talking to me? Yes! My name's not Ted.
It's not? Well, what is it? Well, it's Ted but not the Ted you're thinking of.
Hey, what did I tell you? Come and get me! Help! Help! Get him off of me! I cut out this article today.
I'll pass it around.
There it is.
Black Betty.
That mainframe is tied to every computer system in this company.
And only Wally knows its secrets.
This is the only control port into Black Betty.
It hasn't been used for years.
There must be 10 million lines of computer code in that thing.
And no written documentation.
Let's give up now and form an agrarian society! Don't panic yet.
If Dogbert can get Wally to remember how we install this, we'll know exactly where to make the changes.
So our futures depend on Wally.
That's it! We're all farmers! How's it going? Any progress? Moo Apparently, he was a cow in a previous life.
Stop playing around.
We need him to remember his days as a young engineer, when he installed the Black Betty mainframe.
You're stressed.
Have a glass of warm milk.
I am KIND OF THIRSTY.
Moo Blecch! It's COBOL.
I learned about this in school.
You learned to program in COBOL? No.
I learned about it in history class.
History, you say.
I'll see if I can find anything about HISTORY in the literature.
Back Back in time.
Back to the 1970s.
I am getting such A SUNBURN.
Whose idea was this pyramid thing anyway? Why don't we just cover the pharaoh with sand? He afraid we'll run out? Now, this IS MORE LIKE IT.
Hey, I'm on a break.
How did you get here? Hey, who's the hypnotist? Right.
A god has descended to earth! Sorry, no autographs.
In retrospect, this was a pretty great epoch.
All right, who wants to fan me? Back Back in time To the 1970s A.
D.
Remember yourself as a young engineer.
I had hair.
You were full of optimism and enthusiasm.
I cared about my job.
Morning.
Good MORNING.
That's the new whiz kid.
Ha! Hotshot! So much hope and energy.
He's got the world on a string.
Hey, Wally, how about some coffee? Uh, thanks but no thanks.
I don't want to miss any work.
Look at him go! He's written an entire customer database system from scratch.
Why do we only use two DIGITS TO STORE THE DATES? It saves space.
Yeah, but in the year 2000 the programs won't work because the computer will think it's year zero-zero.
Zero-zero That Wally.
Oh, can you imagine? We know from the hypnotic regression that Wally used to be a great engineer.
Wow.
From great engineer to doorstop in just a few short years.
Wally was a magnificent stallion before he became a broken man.
You don't often hear the words "Wally" and "stallion" in the same sentence.
But he was a stallion once.
That's the point.
Don't you get it? I get it! No, I don't! We've got to think like Wally.
No! Young WALLY.
Young Wally would have seen this year 2000 problem coming.
He would've left flags in the program so he could find the date code easily.
Probably some sort of keyword in the program documentation.
If we figure out the keyword we'll know exactly where the problems are.
Wally, what is the keyword? Keyword.
What is the keyword? Keyword.
No, no.
What is THE KEYWORD? Keyword.
I think his keyword was "keyword.
" All right, I said "smart," not "creative.
" This old equipment won't make it! It has to.
It's obsolete.
If it fries, we'll never have a way to reprogram the mainframe.
He's not going to make it! He's not fast enough! Step aside! I see what he's doing.
You just need a faster typist.
Still no good! He won't make it! Use the tail, Zimbu.
The tail! Fix it yet? Not yet! Okay.
It's going to blow! I feel so soiled.
Even more than usual.
Oh, my God, have I been working? Is it fixed yet? We won't know until January 1st.
Why? What significance does January 1st have? January 1st, 2000.
Apparently you've been too busy fooling around to read the news.
The National Bureau of Standards has decided to skip 2000.
The 21st century won't officially start till the year 2001.
You can't do that.
That's what they said about daylight savings time.
No, they didn't.
Well, they should've.
My watch is off by an hour.
Sometimes it's like that for months.
Maybe we should get hopping on the year 3000 PROBLEM.
You know, nip it in the bud.
Good THINKING, ALICE.
You're in charge.
Hi, how are you? What? Nothing.
I'm here to withdraw the maximum cash advances from each of these credit cards.
Are you one of those guys who thinks our computer records will be wiped out by the year 2000 bug and you won't have to pay us back? And there's nothing you can do about it.
Here you go.
You know, no matter how many times I do that it's always enjoyable.