Divorce (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Pilot

- Hi.
Quick question did you hear me knocking 20 minutes ago? Yeah, but I was doing my thing.
Oh, okay.
Well, Lila was downstairs doing her thing in the bathroom.
So I was forced to take a shit in this coffee can in the garage.
- Just wanted you to know.
- Okay.
While I may or may not have taken a shit in this coffee can, the point is well-made.
Equal time in the bathroom.
- All right.
- Please.
Para para paradise - (HUMMING ALONG) Para para paradise (VOCALIZING) She dreamed of para para paradise - Para - (RADIO TURNS OFF) (HUMMING STOPS) Happy birthday! You're late, but you haven't missed shit.
Hey, turn the music up, for Christ's sake! Turn it up! - (SQUEALING) - Birthday girl.
- Mm! So gorgeous! - Oh! - Robert! - Diane.
- Mm-wah, mm-wah, mm-wah! - Happy birthday.
Nick! Excuse me.
He's invited a bunch of cocks I don't even know.
I wanna fucking kill myself.
Turn the music up.
Come on! - Frances.
- Hello.
I'd offer you some wine, but I think Diane's already sucked most of it up.
- (SNICKERS) - Come on, I'll get you a real drink.
Yes, that's very funny.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - ROBERT: Let me tell you something.
- Mm-hmm.
- Vision, we're good.
- The vision, 20-20 right here.
- Mm.
The problem is the financing.
Hey, Dallas, I saw your ex's new lady at the CVS yesterday.
Good news for you is she has really packed on the pounds.
Boy, he was mis-sold those goods.
- She's five months pregnant.
- I forgot.
Speaking of new loves, uh, who was the gentleman bending your ear over there? Oh, that human loaf of bread? Oh, that's Malcolm.
He's a hedge fund friend of Nick's.
He lost his wife last year.
Poor guy.
Oh, gee, I didn't know.
He only told me 50 fucking times.
So when does the whole empathy thing kick in for you? I did take the liberty of seating him next to you tonight at dinner, so who knows how this evening will end? I think it just did.
Fuck it.
To Malcolm and his dead wife.
I think her name was Alice.
We don't have the financing, but oh.
- But, um (GROANS) - (SKIN SIZZLES) God, oh.
That, um that smarts when you put your fingers in the fondue.
(GUFFAWING) DIANE: Oh, my God, that's so funny! Where's Beatrice? She's usually pressing her wet ass against my shin by now.
She died last week.
- Really? - Mm.
How old was she? - 24.
- Well, I mean, that's that's too old for a dog.
Aren't you gonna ask me what she died of? Please don't tell me she backed up her weeping butthole into an outlet.
No, she was seriously depressed.
That's why she died.
She couldn't handle the atmosphere in the house, so she choked herself to death with her leash.
- No.
- She did.
She left a little note - Sorry.
- saying how much she didn't like Nick.
Did you see how much weight he's put on? No, I hadn't really.
DIANE: He did it on purpose.
It was 100% just to revolt me.
Go on, keep spooning it in, you fat fuck.
Look at him.
Who am I looking at now? Robert.
We have a big empty building, so God, he's such a blech wet pussy.
(GLASS CLINKING) A little toast, I think, could be in order.
Diane hates it when I make a speech or talk, so I thought I would just quickly say happy birthday, sweetheart.
- ALL: Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Diane.
She doesn't like 50, do you, sweetheart? But, you know, I think we can all agree that Diane has never looked her age till this year, sadly, when it all just kind of came crashing down on her.
(LAUGHS) It's a joke.
I'm joking.
You know I'm joking.
She looks amazing.
You look amazing, sweetheart.
One of the many benefits - of not bearing any children - (WOMAN GASPS) which is, of course, your biological function.
Now, there's one more thing, one little, uh, birthday surprise for you.
Ilona! God, she is so hard to shop for.
Ilona! Oh, I hope I got the right thing.
Ilona! Come on.
Put your back into it.
That's Hannah.
Look at that little sweetie.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Ay, she's shy.
Come on.
Cheers, everybody! Happy birthday, darling.
- ALL: Cheers! - Bastard.
- (MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING) - (PEOPLE LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) She's very, um, youthful (CHUCKLES) and inspiring.
She inspires me.
Do you know how obscene you look right now? Diane, I'm talking to you.
Do you know how fucking ridiculous you look? God damn it.
Do you know what makes it obscene? The fact that you don't know how to dance at your age.
Well, stop acting like such a goddamn child.
You just wanna punish me.
All you ever do is criticize me.
- I just want you to - I'm so fucking sick of it! NICK: You're fucking 50 years old, for God's sake.
- DIANE: Good! - You're making a fucking spectacle NICK: Will you fucking settle down? Hey, where are you going? Don't make a scene like that and then run out of the goddamn room! I was exercising my biological function! - Stop following me! - I'm trying to have a discussion with you, for God's sake! What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What, are you gonna write a letter? What the hell are you doing? What are you looking for? Get away from me! - Get out of here! - I'm not going anywhere! Then I'll go! Fine! - Just settle down.
- Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! - Fucking fuck out! - What the hell? Oh, hey, now, you put that away.
Put that away.
Put it away before somebody gets hurt! - Diane.
- Oh, is that what you want, huh? Would you want me hurt? Isn't that what you want? - No, you should just - You fucking asshole! You wanna smoke me out of here! - Don't point that thing! - Diane, Diane! Is that a gun?! - Are you pointing an actual ah! - Nick, is everything cool? - Oh, shit! - (GUNSHOT) - Holy shit! - (GROANING) Oh, God.
Oh, shit! - (GROANING) - I'm hit! My God! - I'm sorry, Robert.
I'm so sorry, Robert! - I know I've been hit.
- That was an accident! - I've been shot by a gun.
- No one shot you, Robert.
- DIANE: I'm so sorry! - ROBERT: Really? - DIANE: Frances, I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- ROBERT: Nick! - DALLAS: Nick! Nick, are you all right? - (GROANING) What is happening? What's happening? I don't know.
Call a fucking ambulance.
- I think he's having a heart attack.
- I'll call an ambulance.
- DALLAS: Nick.
- ROBERT: Nick.
Maybe you should just let him sleep this off.
- Who are you? - We met at dinner.
Hi, there's been an accident.
- Oh, God, I don't - DALLAS: Nick, can you hear me? What's the add does anyone know the address here? DALLAS: Just try to relax.
I don't know what happened.
It's gonna be okay.
Don't worry.
So nice of you to come to the party.
I just have to go down to the station for a quick little Q and A, but I'll be back, so make yourselves at home.
Don't bust up the party 'cause of me.
Well, there's plenty of food for everybody if you want food.
You're so skinny.
Get a little piece of cheesecake.
- All right.
- Frances! Open champagne.
But don't be too loud 'cause our neighbors so strict.
They'll call the police, so don't I'll be back.
I just gotta go to the station for a second.
You shitting me? Stop it.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
(SIGHS) She nearly killed me.
I mean, if I was two or three inches to the right, it would've gone right through my face.
(SIREN WAILING) Phew, that was a close call.
Honey? How do you go from eight years of a happy marriage to wanting to blow someone's head off? What if the same thing happens to us? Wh I would never try and blow your head off.
Are you sure? Are you really sure you would never try and blow my head off? Yes, I am sure.
Wait, hang on.
Are are you not sure? When you threw my laptop out the window - Wait, that - I specifically remember thinking that I wanted to hit you in the face with the, um, ceramic you know, the Chinese ceramic cat thing with the little wavy arm? I wanted to smash the cat and scalp you with one of the shards.
What the fuck? Are you drunk? That's funny.
You spent last Christmas fishing in Alaska.
No, no, hang on a second.
That's the only time of the year that the Chinook salmon run in those numbers.
- And you said you didn't mind.
- I didn't mind.
It was the best Christmas I have had in years.
You're welcome.
Sometimes I come home from work and I'm happy.
I actually feel happy.
And then I see your car there parked and I realize you're home and my heart sinks.
Is this about my old job? Is that what this is about? I want to save my life while I still care about it.
I don't love you anymore.
I want a divorce.
Oh, God, Robert.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, Robert.
- Sorry.
- You shouldn't have eaten so much cheese.
- Oh.
- Listen, Robert, are you hearing what I'm saying? Are you hearing me? - Cheese.
I heard you.
- OFFICER: Sir, can I get your full name - and contact information? - Wait I'm sorry.
Can you just wait one second, please? Can you just hang on? Robert, listen to me.
Listen, we don't have to make this horrible, all right? I don't want it to be horrible oh, God! Oh, right on his boots.
I'm sorry.
He had a lot of fondue.
- Oh, and some cake.
- Here.
Oh, God! Jesus! You scared me.
(SIGHS) Where'd you go last night? - I was worried.
- I went to a strip club.
Where there were strippers who were stripping and they became nude.
- I wanted to hurt you.
- Yeah, well, we might be a bit beyond that.
Honey, this is crazy.
I'm not sure you meant what you said last night about not loving me anymore.
I'm sorry.
I I did.
- I did mean it.
- I don't think you did, Frances.
No, I did, Robert.
What are you doing? I wanna give you an orgasm.
I don't want you to give me an orgasm, Robert.
I'd like to lick your vagina and then tongue dart your anus.
I don't want that.
I think it would be good for both of us - if I gave you an orgasm.
- I don't want that.
I'm gonna lick your vagina the way you like it.
The door is wide open, Robert.
- This is gonna be fun and pleasurable.
- Stop pulling on me! Stop! So that's it, then, huh? The passion's dead? You won't even try counseling? We've been to counseling.
Stop kicking chairs.
There's just no chance for us whatsoever in your mind? - What are you doing? - I'm going to make the kids breakfast and then I'm taking them to school.
Oh, you're just gonna pretend that everything's normal? I am not pretending everything's normal, okay? I am divorcing you! That is not normal.
(SIGHS) I just gotta get the kids to school first.
(DOOR CLOSES) FRANCES: Lila, let me smell quickly.
Lila, come here and let me smell.
No, they are not.
- They are! - Well, they are not brushed properly, so, great, well done, all right? - Your breath stinks.
- Why are you being such a bitch? - What? Don't you dare - (HORN HONKS) All right, you know what? Everything is canceled for you this week and next.
Everything! Tom, can you please pick up your bag and stop Yeah, I know, bag.
Who cares? I care because I keep buying you backpacks.
- (SIGHS) - (DOORS CLOSE) Wait, hey.
Hey, sorry.
All right? Nothing is canceled.
I'm sorry.
I love you, all right? Just brush your teeth.
FRANCES: Hey, Antonia, can you tell Marchelle and Andrew that I'm gonna be late? It's a personal issue.
- (TRAIN HORN BLARES) - Sorry? No, because it's personal.
Also, it took nine rings for someone to answer the phone, so can you do something about that, please? Thank you.
- (HORN BLARES) - DALLAS: Have you talked to the kids? Oh, God, I'm dreading it.
But I think in the long run it's the right choice for them, too.
They'll be happier.
Mm, no, they won't.
They'll just add that to their bank of reasons to hate you.
My son holds me responsible for one husband dying and the other one leaving.
I am anathema to him.
- (HORN BLARES) - Also, do you enjoy being on your own? Because if you think that you're gonna find something better out there, believe me when I tell you you will be disappointed.
Well, I won't be on my own anyway.
ANNOUNCER: Next stop on this train Grand Central Station.
- Next to last stop.
- What? What? He is the only thing that has kept me sane this last year.
And I love him.
- Ugh.
- I think.
No, you don't.
You love his dick and all the pretty dark hair that surrounds it.
- Stop.
- And he makes you come.
Anyone that makes you come when you haven't even wanted to come in years you're gonna think that you're in love with.
Anyway, he doesn't just make me come.
He makes me come a lot.
He's sweet, he's fun, and he's creative.
He makes his own granola.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Hey.
How's it going? I just got your messages.
I put my earplugs in last night.
I must've forgotten.
Oh, okay.
Granola? No, thanks.
(SIGHS) (MOANS) (BOTH PANTING) I love you, Julian, I think.
(MOANS) - (DISTANT SIREN WAILING) - Want a pizza? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? I'm gonna order you the most delicious pizza you've ever had.
Uh, yeah, can I have an 18-inch thin crust - Hawaiian? - Sure.
Hawaiian, please.
And that's for Julian Renaut.
You got my address, yes? Okay.
- It's gonna be 30 minutes.
- I told Robert I wanted a divorce.
What's that? I told Robert I wanted a divorce.
I mean, last night was just such a wake-up call.
It was so extreme.
Is it okay if I stay here for a couple of nights? Tell the kids I'm away on business.
- Uh - I can't fight with him again.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.
- But, um - (HORN HONKS) I mean, well, it is a bit of a shock.
We we talked about it.
Yeah, we we talked about it.
I thought I, you know, I thought that was role-playing.
Uh, you know, sexy talk.
I mean, you had kids.
I'll still have kids.
Yeah, I know you yeah.
What's the matter? Nothing.
- Why did you mention the kids? - What? You have no idea what it's like to share your life with someone who you have literally nothing to say to beyond, you know, like, "Oh, the alarm is making that beeping sound again" or whatever.
And, listen, I could do banal shit all day long if there was a little love there or or happiness, but there there isn't.
And, I mean, we can't even watch TV together because he repeats the jokes right after they say them instead of laughing.
Well, you should divorce him, then.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
What's the matter? You see some guy having a heart attack and then the next day you wanna divorce your husband and come and move in with me.
No, I'm I'm not expecting anything from you.
- Really? - What the fuck? Yes, really.
You're acting like a massive asshole right now.
Well, maybe I'm upset.
You know, what we had was something very something very private.
(SCOFFS) - It's private? - I didn't mean private.
I meant more like, uh, secret.
Like our dirty little secret.
And now it's just some bourgeois affair.
I can't I can't even think about eating pizza right now.
I started a joke Which started the whole world crying What am I? But I didn't see What am I doing? How the joke was on me Oh, no Hey, gang! Mommy's home! Okay, I know it's not our traditional hey - Hey.
- Traditional Greek food night, but who says you can't have Greek food night whenever you want, right? You just have to save some for me and Dad.
Where is Dad? - I don't know.
- I'm not sure.
- Hey.
I wanna talk to you.
What's there to talk about? You were pretty clear this morning about what you wanted.
When I came home, I half expected to find my clothes and shit thrown out in the yard.
- You know me, right? - I thought I did.
I sure as shit didn't see any of this coming.
No, me me neither.
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
I mean, I why would I say those things? Am I losing my mind? You think you're the only one that wonders if this is working? - Because you're not.
- No, I know that.
I know that.
I mean, this crisis at Nick and Diane's? That's supposed to bring us closer together, Frances.
(STAMMERING) I wish I could explain it.
I it it was like time stood still and I was outside my body and I am watching myself, I am hearing myself say these things to you, things, I guess, I felt at the moment, but obviously, that that is not who I am.
That is not what I want.
I don't know.
Maybe you were in shock.
I guess I am.
And, you know, they say that when you're in shock, you don't know you're in shock till you're not in shock anymore.
But when did it start to go off the tracks in your mind? I don't know, I well, perhaps when you grew the mustache? You said you liked the mustache.
Yeah, no, I'll get there eventually.
Well, I'm glad we're attempting to clear the air.
In an odd way, that gun going off could be the greatest thing that has happened to us in a really long time.
Says the person who wasn't almost shot in the face.
No, no, no, I'm serious.
Maybe this is what it takes for us to change the way we are with each other.
You know? And now we can go back to, you know just liking each other again.
You make it tough.
And we're in this love together We got the kind that'll last forever (PHONE CHIMING) Hey, you left it in the office.
- Oh.
- Who is it? Oh, it's just a work thing.
Can you check the alarm downstairs? - It's making that chirping sound.
- Oh, sure.
Sorry I touched you.
I'm back in baby's arms How I missed those lovin' arms I'm back where I belong Back in baby's arms Don't know why we quarreled We never did before Since we found out how it hurts I bet we'd never quarrel anymore.
Well, they said he was in serious condition, but now he's been upgraded to critical condition, so - Well - Oh, you mean? Well, it's definitely moving in the right direction.
I don't wanna think about life without him, but if he wakes up, he's gonna be so mad at me! When he wakes up.
- Really? - Yes.
They said it was a severe heart attack brought on by a combination of factors, including that thing that I did with the gun, which I totally didn't mean to do.
- Of course you didn't.
- (DOG WHIMPERING) And he wasn't in great shape physically.
You know, he got fat.
I mean, obviously, trying to shoot him didn't help, but, you know, neither did all those steak frites.
Yeah, lots of factors.
Also, he was under a lot of stress with whatever he does at work.
And you weren't particularly kind to him lately, so that might've contributed.
(STAMMERING) Wait, what? Well, we can't beat ourselves up about this.
I mean, these are all just pieces of the puzzle.
- We're just lucky it happened at home.
- Right.
- Right.
- (DOG WHIMPERING) Well, it's been a couple of crazy days.
I mean, I was ready to divorce Robert.
- Thank God I - Hannah! Stop it, Hannah! Stop it! I mean it! Ugh, that dog is driving me crazy.
He really does love his french fries, huh? (CHUCKLES) Yes, I can testify to that.
Would you? - Well, I was joking, but - Thank you.
Oh, you're you're welcome.
- Can I just ask you a favor? - Of course.
- Please, Hannah.
- (GROWLING) Let's go.
Come on.
Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.
Oh, God, you smell like a yeast infection.
(HANNAH BARKING) - (SIGHS) - ROBERT: Hello? Hey, where are you? I can't get in.
There's the keys ugh.
I don't know.
There's something up with the lock.
I'm here.
I'm in the house.
Oh, Oh, hi.
Can you let me in? No.
(SCOFFS) What? I called your friend J.
Julian? And it became apparent within about 30 seconds that, uh, the two of you have been fucking for quite a while.
Just out of curiosity, did you have sex with him and me yesterday? Because officially, that would mean you were gangbanged.
- I don't - I want you out of our lives, Frances.
And I want you out of my house.
If I'm perfectly honest, you disgust me now.
- Robert - No! I don't trust you.
You're the villain here, not me.
You're the evildoer, the flimflammer, the double-crosser, the bunco artist.
You know who you are? You're Jesse James and I get to be Sandra Bullock.
And I get to rise from the ashes of humiliation and win a fucking Academy Award.
Look, Robert, can you just let me in so we can talk about this? You know that divorce that you wanted? I want one, too.
But that sneaky, easy, friendly way that you were hoping for? You can forget it 'cause I'm gonna make you miserable.
And more to the point, I'm gonna make your children hate you.
Robert, can you please just let me in? Robert.
Robert! Robert! Yeah, my life is just a mess I threw it all away now I could have made a fortune I lost the craving for success And as the acrobats, they tumble So the corn begins to crumble But in the mirror she admires A brand-new dress Live on the second floor now