Downward Dog (2017) Episode Scripts

Pilot

1 Martin: But, I mean, there was a fly in my water for three days.
Like, on that on that, I have some legitimate cause for concern.
I base my whole day on Nan's schedule.
[Whines] Like, she's like, "Oh, 7:00's the time for breakfast.
" - Martin, stop it.
- I'm like, "Great.
" 7:00's great, even though it's not my preference.
" But then it was actually, like, 7:30 or 8:00.
[Kibble rattling] I just don't feel very respected, like, as a being.
- [Door opens] - And, like, I don't want to come off as, like, hypercritical or something, but [Whirring] we used to go on walks like, actual walks, and Whereas now, she kind of just, like, shoves me out in this little prison yard and acts like that somehow counts as connection time.
It's a big day today, Martin.
Say, "Good luck, Mama.
" [Baby-talking] Say, "Good luck, Mama.
" [Normal voice] Your ideas are smart and funny and oh, so sweet.
" Oh, thank you, baby.
Thank you, thank you.
And it's one thing that she's, like, gone all the time.
Hang in there, buddy.
It's Friday.
[Door closes] It's just, if I felt like she was doing anything remotely productive, it would help me be supportive, - like, as her partner.
- [Car alarm chirps] But every morning, I see her get in her car, and then when she comes home, she's in the exact same car, and it's just, like, I get that it's fun to just drive around all day.
Uh, yeah.
I would I would love that, too.
I've actually made that pretty obvious.
And I'm aware that these are kind of, like, first-world problems or something, because, yeah, like, Nan's great.
I'm actually, honestly, deeply obsessed with her.
It's just I just think we have a little work to do.
[Telephone ringing in background] Hey, Gwen.
I have a 10:30 with Kevin.
He's running a minute late.
- Great.
- Kareem! Okay, I will just I'll hang out, then.
[Clears throat] Oh, Nan Hey, I think you have some kind of animal's fur on your clothes.
Uh-oh! Nan the man.
- Hey.
- [Laughs] What do you got for me? Let me guess one of those girl-power anthems? [Chuckles] Yeah, well, you know me.
- I'm just kidding.
- Mm.
I'm one of the biggest feminists I know.
Well good.
Then you're gonna love this pitch.
I don't think Nan has, like, any idea how packed my days are.
[Sniffing] I actually have a lot to accomplish.
Like, for one thing, the fact that I need 14 hours of sleep, you know, is not something I should have to feel bad about.
Like sleep is the foundation of a productive day.
And then there's, like, keeping track of deliveries and having to manage, like, staff changes there, and Look, like like, I worry, you know? Like, there are a lot of just massive threats that Nan seems completely unaware of.
For instance, the cat, who not to be racist but she's just, like, a sociopath, like like an emotional terrorist.
And I just [Whooshing] I feel like I just get zero help.
[Groans, sighs] [Clicking tongue] [Exhales sharply] Yeah.
Yeah? No.
Oh.
Hard pass.
[Ball hits backboard] Oh.
Um okay.
Do you have any specific notes or anything I should I'm trying to be nice here.
It was a bad idea, okay? Bad idea.
I don't want to have to mansplain this to you.
Alley-oop! [Ball hits rim] Oop.
Sorry.
[Ball bounces] You don't think that maybe there's something, um you know, kind of powerful about us telling people how beautiful they are when [Laughs] We live in Pittsburgh, last time I checked.
Have you been outside? Not everyone's beautiful.
Get me something new by Monday.
Monday? Something, like, Kanye-tweet level.
All right? [Thud] [Siren wails in distance] Jenn: [British accent] Okay.
[Keyboard clacking] Yes.
Well, that's it.
I quit.
Oh, shut up.
No, you don't.
That was the 11th idea in a row that he's turned down.
[Clanking] I am out of ideas now.
And I-I'm out of booze.
[Thud] [Sighs] [Exhales] Okay.
Come with me.
We'll fix this.
You know, there is always a bottle of something douchey in here somewhere.
He just moves it around.
"Dope Idea Board.
" [Scoffs] "Spray-on condoms.
" Random French words.
[Giggles] He has "Baguette" written here.
Hey, did I ever tell you that he bought me a Black Lives Matter t-shirt? - Oh, my God.
- [Drawer closes] Mm-hmm.
I know.
He was so proud of himself.
I kind of felt bad when I turned him in to HR.
[Sighs] Honesty, the worst part about all this is how we try so hard to come up with things that are, like, original - Mm-hmm - and creative.
Meanwhile, if I just turned something in with, like, naked women on it and vaguely French-sounding words, then Kevin would be, like, totally delighted.
- [Straining] Oh, yeah.
- [Bottle thumps] Do you think that would work, though? Oh, it definitely would, but also I just feel so gross, like, compromising on that, you know? Yeah, but you sell out now, and then, when you have your own team, you do whatever you want.
[Liquid pouring] Yeah.
Yeah, man.
What the hell? I think you're right.
- Yeah, I normally am.
- [Exhales] I was never the biggest fan of Nan having a boyfriend, so when we decided to kind of, you know, ditch Jason or whatever, like, I was pretty excited to just have her to myself.
And at first, it was awesome, like, for me personally.
It was It was great.
But tonight, like, it just took me off guard.
She's just been so good about coming home on Fridays for our, like, scheduled cry-into-the-wine time.
And I guess that kind of started to mean a lot to me.
I know Nan didn't mean to be bad.
Like Like, I get it, but I think it's important for me to draw, like, really clear boundaries.
Like, as the dominant partner, you know, to say, "Here's a line you can't cross.
" Bye! Good luck with your music! [Slurring] Go upstairs Da-da-dada Ow! Martin? I'm gonna call him real quick.
But it's fine.
Hey, Jason.
I just wanted to call and tell you to come and get your stupid motorcycle.
[Laughs] And also, I don't even miss you, 'cause I'm not even very lonely.
So mm-kay.
I love you.
Bye.
- [Cellphone beeps] - Oopsie.
I'll try again.
Actually, I don't love you, 'kay? Okay.
Love you.
Bye.
[Cellphone beeps] [Stairs creaking] [Gasps] What did you do? Bad! You understand? That's not good! Not a good choice! Martin: It's hard, because, like, she can be like, "Blah, blah, blah, bad dog, "blah, blah, blah," all she wants, and a part of me wants to be just like, "You think a shoe was bad? "Like, I will destroy everything that you love.
I will tear your world to pieces.
" Kim: What's the name? Oh, sorry.
Hi.
I'm Nan.
No the dog.
What's the dog's name? Okay.
Uh, this is Martin.
Come on up.
Come on.
Um, okay.
So, he, uh, uh He just decided to chew up a bunch of my Sit, Martin.
He He sat.
Um, he decided to chew up a bunch of my shoes, so I just Googled - Nan.
Nan.
- Oh.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Can anybody tell me what's going on here? Maybe she's so focused on her dog that she can't even see how her own dysfunction is affecting the situation.
[Chuckling] Okay.
Yes.
Thank you.
Nan, why has Martin brought you here today? Uh I guess I haven't been paying him enough attention lately, so Why is that? I don't know.
Am I the only one here who has a job? [Chuckles] Am I right? [Chuckles nervously] [Sighs] "Do not leave your dog for more than 15 minutes.
" People are crazy.
[Ringtone plays, cellphone vibrates] [Cellphone beeps] Hey.
Jenn: Happy Sunday, Nan! How's your French-nudie project going? - [Car door closes] - [Exhales] I haven't even started it.
I've been dealing with my dog all weekend.
Listen, I got to call you back, okay? All right.
Bye.
[Cellphone beeps] - [Door opens, closes] - Hey.
Hey.
I didn't know you were coming.
Yeah, I got your phone call.
- About my motorcycle - Mm.
and how happy and unlonely you are.
Yeah.
[Chuckling] I remember.
- Hi.
- Hi.
[Chuckles] Um Actually, what are you doing today? Uh [Clicks tongue] nothing.
Come on! Come on! You ready? [Thud] [Laughs] Ah! We need to work on this.
There you go.
Who's a good boy? It's funny, like, how life works, because all of a sudden, Nan's making, you know, like, really good progress in couples therapy and Yeah, like, Jason's never been somebody who I really deeply respected, like, as a peer, but You ready? Ready? - I don't know, like - Hah! things are moving in a positive direction.
[Sighs] I feel like maybe this is the universe saying, like, "Hey, you know what?" Like, you're on the right track.
" [Music playing through earbuds] Whoa! Hey.
- [Music stops] - Hi.
Hey, Kevin.
Nan.
This is actually kind of dope.
[Chuckles] Yeah, uh, you know, I wanted to do something with, um French words, right? Yeah.
But also some some nudity.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- I thought of it.
- Oh, my God.
- I was like - Hey.
I want to throw something at you here, and I don't want you to go into one of your tizzies, but you know who Tristen is, right? Tristen Like, head-of-design New York fashion-guru Tristen? Yeah, yeah! He's gonna be here Monday, and I think he'd like this.
Like, are you ready? [Door opens] [Door closes] Oh.
Hey, uh, sorry.
I didn't, uh I didn't know you were gonna be back already.
Yeah.
I was just kind of finishing up.
"Au Naturale.
" This is incredible.
[Chuckles] - Wow.
- Thanks.
Yeah, I don't know.
The concept's still kind of cliché or whatever.
But Kevin he said he thought it was dope, so I don't know.
We'll see if he finally promotes me or something.
You were hanging out with the Kevin? [Scoffs] Isn't he, like, the worst? [Chuckling] Yeah.
It's called playing the game.
Aw, Nan, come on.
Like, your whole thing is that you're, like, a a wonderful, honest, real person.
- [Chuckles] - You can't go selling out on us now.
Ha! Sure I can.
Uh, well Uh, I bought a frozen pizza and some some wine and, like, a load of bagels.
- [Chuckles] - Well, I was just gonna, you know, eat a pizza whole while playing video games and masturbating at the same time.
- [Laughing] - Or but Um, but, you know, the idea of, like, uh eating off a plate and conversing with another human being I mean that doesn't sound horrible.
I'm I think we both know where this ends up, though, so Yeah.
- Right? - Yep.
No.
Yeah.
I'm, uh You know, I-I'm on the same page, by the way, yeah uh, 100%.
[Moaning, heavy breathing] [Thud] Don't mind me.
[Chuckles] Martin: [Voice breaking] I don't even know what to say.
I guess I guess a part of me still believed that, like, what Nan and I had was, like, special.
And I felt like I was totally irreplaceable to her.
But, like, apparently not.
Apparently, she's completely glad - to just toss me aside - [Jason and Nan chuckling] like, the very moment she finds someone else to play with.
Like, I get it now.
Like, I understand what she thinks of me, and You know, honestly, like, I'm, like, totally over it.
Like, if that's how she wants to play it, then good for her.
[Sniffs] She can do whatever she wants, and you know what? Like, that goes for me, too.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [Exhales sharply] Oh, no.
No, no, no! No, no, no! Martin! What did you do?! Oh, God! [Whimpers] No, no, no, no, no.
[Sighs] Oh, God.
[Sniffles, breathes shakily] [Clank] [Voice breaking] Damn it.
[Sobs] [Exhales sharply] [Sniffles] [Sobs] Tristen, what you're about to see is something I've been incubating for a long time.
It's sexy, yet sophisticated.
Nan, why don't you walk him through our idea? Okay.
Let's see it.
Okay.
Yep.
Um [Clears throat] All right, so I'm actually gonna start today with a bit of a confession, which is that my dog ate my homework - [Beep] - [Chuckles nervously] - uh, this morning.
- [Chuckles nervously] He actually, uh [Beep] He destroyed the presentation I was supposed to give here today.
- And I was freaking out, believe me.
- [Sighs] Uh, I was so, so angry.
And I was looking at my dog You know, just trying to decide what to do with him and his stupid, adoring little face.
And I realized something.
[Beep] Every day - [Beep] - it doesn't matter if I've gained weight [Chuckles] or if my skin is all broken out or if I can't stop crying for a week.
- Every day - [Beep] he still looks at me exactly the same way.
Like Like I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.
[Chuckles] - [Whispering] Stop.
- And I just thought, what if I could see myself the way my dog sees me? What if I could love myself like that? What if we, as a brand, we could do that for our customers? What if instead of showing them this endless parade of perfectly cast and lit and retouched models, what if we just showed people themselves? What if we literally turn all of our storefronts into giant mirrors with big font that just reads "Look at how beautiful you are"? I think this would be good for our brand.
Maybe it would make the world a little bit better place, too.
Thank you.
[Scoffs] Ow! [Sniffs] I remember, when I was young I remember it being dark and warm and [Puppies squealing] it smelled like home.
[Sniffs] [Thump] And then, I remember being taken to the other place, and - [Dogs barking, cage creaks] - I remember being scared, and there was this this endless litany of faces, like like, all these new faces.
But then one day one day, there was Nan's face.
Hey, buddy.
What's his name? Martin.
[Sizzling] And the next day, it was her face again, and the next day again, and then again.
And then, I guess, after a while, I realized, like, I was just smitten [Licking] like head over heels.
- [Chuckles] - And And I feel like the reason I've been so hard on Nan is, honestly, I'm just I'm just scared - [Door opens, closes] - because it's so vulnerable to love somebody this much like, to know that no matter what they do or or how mad you get at them, that you will always come running back to them.
Like, I literally can't quit her.
[Martin whines] Come on.
Come on, honey.
We're gonna be okay.
Like Like, I'm a I'm a creature of love.
And you know what? Like, it's because of that love that I had to so aggressively dominate her.
The thing is, like it worked.
Like, here we are, going on, like like, an actual walk.
Come on.
Let's go.
[Ringtone plays, cellphone vibrates] Hello? Nan Draper.
[Chuckles] Hey.
You went totally rogue on me today.
Yeah.
I'm actually kind of surprised you're calling me.
Turns out, Tristen liked your idea and wants to expand on it.
So congratulations.
You get to work nights and weekends for a year.
Hello? Wha Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
That's, uh sounds dope.
Thanks.
Thank you.
[Cellphone beeps] [Chuckles] I think, for the first time in a long time, we're connected.
And I think today, Nan finally understood that we can never, ever, ever be separated again.
I think she finally understands what matters, you know? Us.
Me.
[Insects chirping] Pepper: [Echoing] She doesn't love you.
She's never really loved you.
[ Chuckles] And that's why she's never coming home.
[ Roars] [Whines] [Clock ticking] I'm gonna kill that [bleep] cat.