Drifters (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Meg's New Job

1 Why am I suitable? I love charity.
Nearly all my clothes are from charity shops.
I can see that.
The point is, I hate all this.
You know, North Koreans.
Bad luck, guys.
Red squirrels, come back! Er female circumcision.
That is a nuisance.
You said you could start immediately? Yeah, I can just ditch my flyering job.
It's shit anyway.
Great.
Well, the offer's there.
As I said, it's a two-week trial period Yeah.
Can I just stop you? Is this, you know, like a proper job? We like to think so, yes.
Yeah, it's not that I don't want to do something massively meaningful It's £10 an hour.
Bingo.
Sign me up.
Being on Jobseeker's is no excuse for dressing offensively to work.
My advice? Turn mere cash benefits into cashmere benefits.
'I've been Bunny Farnham-Lyon, lifestyle blogger.
'Leave me some comments or just give me a thumbs-up below.
'Oh, God, that sounds rude.
'Shit.
' Right, couple of questions.
I know.
Why am I doing it? I don't know if you've noticed, but women are really in right now, Meg.
We are totally the hot gender sex.
And not just women.
Also poverty, a huge trend.
So, it's a winning combo.
So, once your views go up, then you can really monetise.
Right, yes, you mentioned your Jobseeker's Allowance there.
Yeah.
Yeah, so, you've been claiming that while working for Malcolm, have you? Of course I have.
OK.
You do realise you can't have a job and claim Jobseeker's Allowance? But I don't have a "job" job.
I'm just handing out flyers for a bit, until I get a proper job.
Tell that to the Jobcentre.
It's not called Dream Jobseeker's Allowance, Bunny.
I mean, you are a benefits cheat.
Wait, is this some kind of justice thing cos you work at a charity now? No! But I am really excited about that.
They've got beanbags.
Whoa.
And more importantly, I get to see the look on Malcolm's face when I tell him I quit later today.
Oh, can I come? Yes.
But, alas, Malcolm, it was never going to be for ever.
Yeah, Laura told me that you can't work for me any more.
How does she know? It's a shame cos all this could have been yours.
Yeah, shame.
All what? We're running a pop-up bar event to launch Pure Angel Vodka.
I told Laura to tell you about it.
Free vodka, £20 an hour, plus hot meals.
That's the dream.
Tuck that shirt in! Laura? Yeah, Laura was the only one to apply for the role of manager.
It's a shame about your night blindness, Meg.
And, Bunny, when exactly are you being deported? What? Shit.
It's not what you think.
Oh, right, because what I think is that you've royally stitched us up to get a sweet job for yourself.
Yeah, it is what you think.
Unbelievable.
Not that I care.
I mean, I've got my own shit going on now.
I've got a beanbag, yeah? I wouldn't even want to drink here, let alone work here.
You wouldn't get in like that anyway.
Malcolm, are you seriously putting Laura in charge around free vodka? I give it 17 minutes before the police are called.
Good luck without us.
Bunny, anything to add? I think it's going to be really great.
Well done, peeps.
You don't know what's happened, do you? No.
This is the mood wall.
Great place for sharing creative ideas.
Or running an Oscars sweepstake.
Wow! And you've, er met Rebecca.
I know, I know, Roger, but let's not try and make it happen.
Let's make it happen, OK? Just giving Meg the grand tour.
Hi.
Cool dog.
Is there a stranger in the office, Harper? Yes, there is! Say hello, Harper.
Hello, Harper.
Say hewoo.
Say hewoo.
Say hewoo Weird.
It's like she's completely ignoring you.
Oh.
Um well, I actually had some really good ideas about raising awareness of the oil drilling in the Arctic.
She's had some really good ideas.
Yes, she has.
Yes! She has had some really good ideas about the video blog from the point of view of a dying polar bear! What are you doing? Well, there's no point in telling Harper, is there? She's a dog.
Harper, say bye-bye.
Don't worry.
She's been weird with the dog ever since she became single.
For all intents and purposes, it's a baby.
She's even had it baptised.
Anyway.
Guys? Pub o'clock, yeah? Wa-hey! Ah, go on, then.
Yeah.
Oh, nice one! Time for Meg's initiation.
Let's fucking have it! Ha-ha! Because women are really in right now.
This is not just your run-of-the-mill, like, make-up tutorial.
No, um this is lifestyle advice.
It's fashion.
Um We do require evidence that you've been actively seeking work.
This is the dole office, not Dragons' Den.
Well, um I mean, it does take a while to build up a following.
Um but I'll send you the link.
Right.
Have you done any form of paid work since you last signed on? I have not done any flyering or temping or baby-sitting work for my mum's friend Hilary, if that is what you mean.
OK.
Sign here, please, Elizabeth.
Oh, God, this is the best bit! Has anyone read that Observer piece about underage sex trafficking in Brazil? It's sickening.
I wonder if the problem wouldn't be quite so huge if teenage Brazilian girls weren't so incredibly fit.
I'm sorry about them, Meg.
No, no, no, it's it's fine.
Er I I love humour.
Well, you've got to laugh, haven't you? So, how long's your probation, Meg? Oh, my appraisal's next week, so fingers crossed.
Any advice? Rebecca just wants to work with cool people, people who get the general vibe and keep it light around the office, cos things can get a bit intense and she does get stressed.
Better get back.
Got a video conference with a human rights lawyer about the Lila campaign.
What's Lila? Even she doesn't know.
Lila is a transgender woman facing the death penalty in Iran after being caught using a urinal.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha The Iranian government's fighting a losing battle.
No point telling a transgender person they can't have it both ways.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! All right, I think we've got time for one more.
Wa-hey! Wa-hey.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
Down it.
Down it.
Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it! 'Once we've delivered our petition, 'we'll just give him a few days to wrestle with his conscience.
' That's if he's got one.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
Sadly, it may be too late for Lila, but hopefully our efforts will be part of the springboard for genuine reforms for transgender people living under oppressive regimes.
'I can't thank you enough for your hard work.
' No, thank you, Shami.
Anything else to add? Yeah.
The thing I always find with transgenders is they always want it both ways.
Because they have tits and a willy.
Or tits and no willy sometimes.
Can you just wait outside for me, please, Meg? What? Er I was just trying to keep it light.
There is no "out" cos it's open plan Just out of my vision.
Oh, cock.
I can still see you.
Is this OK, or can you still see me? Rebecca, I need to go.
I'll call you later.
Sure.
What about now?! Sit down, Meg.
Oh, Jesus! Sorry.
I thought it was a scatter cushion.
My darling little cherub darling baby! It's going to be OK.
What the hell were you doing back there? Look, I realise you get stressed.
Excuse me? I was just trying to, you know, keep it light.
Do you know why we don't make jokes about the oppression of transgender people? Because it's not fucking funny, Meg! You can think about your apology to Shami when you take Harper out for her afternoon stroll.
Oh You're going to need these.
It's just a little bag that you're going to use to pick up the shit that comes out of Harper's arsehole.
Toodle-pip.
Ugh! Oh! I'm going to be sick.
Oh, yes, it's such a fun job.
I'm definitely fitting in.
So, it's not just sitting in a room and watching the unfunny bits of Comic Relief and crying? No.
How's the vlogging going? Oh, yeah, really great.
Another 900,000 views and then I would have made my first tenner.
Is no-one going to ask me about my new job? Nope.
God, are you still pissed off with me, Meg? Well, it's no use crying over spoilt milk.
Spilt milk.
I'm really angry, Laura.
You forced me out of my job.
Why did you do it? Look, it's complicated.
You wouldn't understand.
Try me.
The truth is I really, really, wanted that job.
And? And I really, really didn't want you to get the job.
Right.
It's less complicated than I was hoping.
Come to the pop-up bar tomorrow night.
Free drinks all night to say sorry.
Can I bring my boss and everyone in the office? That might get them to like me er, even more.
Fine.
Bring your new mates but I'm warning you, I've got a system.
What kind of system? I only let in fitties or people who look like celebs.
Oh, shit.
Gotta go.
That fat lad from Emmerdale's tweeted.
He's in my bar, uglying it up.
Not for long, you fat prick.
Not for long.
How's it going, Meg? Oh, yeah, brilliant, absolutely loving it.
What are you doing? Data entry.
Right, scrap that.
I've got something more pressing for you.
Harper needs soothing for her nap.
Oh, right.
Do you want me to take her for a walk? No, actually, I want you to sing for her.
Ha-ha! Yeah, I'll take her now.
I wasn't being sarcastic.
She likes it when I sing to her, but I don't have time.
Really? Really.
Is there a problem? No.
No, I didn't think so.
Twinkle, twinkle, little She's a dog, Meg, not a baby.
Right, sorry.
Um I heard he sang a good song More feeling! I heard he had a style More soul.
# Strumming my pain with his fingers Singing my life .
.
With his words Roger.
Killing me softly Mm, just a salad for me, yeah.
# With his song # Killing me softly With his song Telling She's asleep.
Oh! Meg! Harper loves you.
Keep going.
Are you sure? Cos she's she's # With his song! Bow-bow-bow-bow! Ah! Not tonight, love.
What? He's coming in, but you need to buy some straighteners.
We're on a date.
Are those prescription glasses? Nice try.
Whose wedding is it? Mine.
Last night of freedom.
Are you famous? No.
Didn't think so.
They're fine, but you're not coming in.
Come on.
I'll be no trouble.
But you'll still be dressed head to toe in last season's Primark.
Steve.
No texting.
We're here to work.
Sorry, Laura.
It won't happen again.
That fucking prick knows the rules.
It feels weird saying this, Laura, but I'm impressed.
You seem to be running a very professional ship.
Yeah, didn't fuck it up in 17 minutes, did I, Meg? No.
Sorry about that.
So, my workmates are on their way.
Have you got the names? Yeah, sorted.
Bunny! Tell me you're not working for Laura.
No.
How could you think that? Oh, female intuition and the fact that you're wearing the uniform and carrying a tray of drinks.
Well, you're wrong.
I just fancied the black dress tonight, and the drinks are for moi.
Mm.
Hair of the dog.
Hm.
Wow.
Tidy.
Oh, God, that's Alex and the rest of my mates from the office.
Evening, all.
Glad you could make it.
Cool place, eh? Had a bit of grief from that weird cow on the door.
She wouldn't let me in because I have a Blackberry.
Oh, shit, soz.
But we mentioned your name and she waved us in.
Amazatron! Sorry? Nothing.
Bar? Ugh! Fine, fine, fine.
Offensive.
You see Steve over there? He's going to snap your ankles off if you ever try and get into my pop-up bar again wearing Crocs.
Get out of me sight! Oh, Rebecca, do you want another drink? Where's she off? Oh, probably the toilet for a bit of the old, er She love the blow! What? Rebecca's a massive coke-head.
Who isn't? Er me isn't.
I think Suzy may be holding.
Bunny? I've found something out.
I'm sorry.
I'll replace it.
What? No.
It's not a charity, it's a drugs ring.
Rebecca is a Charlie-user.
Rebecca your boss? Controversh.
Yeah, that's why she doesn't like me, probably, because she can tell I'm not a druggie.
I feel like I should confront her, you know, give her a good talking to about about hypocrisy and the rule of law.
Meg! Seriously, chill the fuck out.
Stop trying to shop everybody all of the time.
Nobody likes a busybody twat.
Maybe that's why she doesn't like you.
Oh, don't hold back! Just have a sense of humour about these things, Meg.
You're not in your charity place now.
You are in a bar.
Judge the room.
You just need to realise that sometimes people bend the rules, and that is OK.
OK? Yes.
OK.
I'm cool with that.
Totals.
And, er Max here is Brand Executive at Pure Angel Vodka and he's very impressed with what we've achieved, Laura.
Great.
Thanks.
In fact, he's, er renewed the contract and extended it for another month.
So, congratulations! What? You'll be managing the team for another month.
Well done.
Oh, er do I get a celebratory kiss as well? Get in! I did it! I feel weird.
I think I'm feeling achievement.
Let's celebrate with a shot.
Sorry, I'm working.
Oh, come on.
I insist.
We're all working.
Be rude not to.
Ah, yeah.
Hey, Laura, guess what? Meg's boss is a coke-head.
What did you say? Meg thinks it's some kind of drugs ring and this Rebecca character deals to all the other workers.
Not on my watch! Oopsy.
Laura to Security.
Get me Steve.
I'm not happy.
Whaddup, sisters? You all right, Meg? Yeah.
Just chillin'.
Where's Snow White at? Oh.
Hi, Meg.
It's a great venue.
Cheers, pal.
So, what have we been doing, then? Just powdering our noses? Do you want to borrow some make-up, Meg? No, thanks.
I've, er got my own supply.
Eh? I'm not going to snitch.
Look we all do a little line from time to time.
We've all invited Charles to the party.
Yeah, I know.
And I don't mind.
In fact, I am also a user.
Yeah.
So, we can just share that fact and bond over it.
Meg I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, OK? Look, I think we've all had a bit too much to drink.
I'm going to go now.
We'll talk.
What, so, you don't use recreational drugs? No, Meg.
This isn't a drugs ring? No, Meg.
But Alex said Those little fuckers.
Ha-ha! You little fuckers.
What did you do? Well, I pretended I condoned the use of cocaine, of course.
Ha-ha-ha! Is that what you were doing? Oh, this is priceless! - I was trying to get her to like me.
- Do not manhandle me! I'm being ejected for suspected cocaine use.
Anyone know why this might be? What? I'll see you in the morning, Meg, for your appraisal.
Am I sacked? First thing in the morning.
That wasn't a no.
I'll leave of my own accord! I'm almost certain this is a violation Er Meg? Yes, well done, Bunny.
Thanks to you, my life's a disaster zone again.
I am genuinely sad to hear that.
Look, I want you to be the first to know.
I lied.
I have been working for Laura.
No shit? Shall we go? Well, where's Laura? Shouldn't we say goodbye? - She just said she was getting Hey-y-y! Yeah! Ha-ha-ha! Yeah! Ha-ha! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Whay! Hey-hey! Top fucking manager, me! Oh! Oh She created the perfect bar.
It was destined to destroy her.
Urgh My top tip this week is to splurge all of your Jobseeker's Allowance on one fabulous jumpsuit so you still look great at your cash-in-hand job.
Ooh.
Hand job.
Interesting.
Oh, bless you.
Thanks.
This is benefit fraud.
You admit to claiming JSA while in paid employment.
That's a serious crime.
You'll receive a court summons and you will be penalised.
OK.
But apart from that, would you say that I was engaging? I mean, it does look professional, right? I could really use some feedback.
Meg.
Let me start by saying sorry about last night.
Alex e-mailed me this morning to tell me about his little joke.
I'm just glad I didn't sack you on the spot.
I'm not sacked? No.
Alex also explained that he hasn't exactly helped you out to the strongest start, but convinced me to give you one last chance, so that's what we're doing.
Clean slate time.
Thanks.
Oh, God, I'm really glad I made it into work now.
It's worth throwing up on the metro for.
Perhaps a little too much information, Meg.
Sorry.
Boundaries.
I've had to let Alex go, of course.
To make way for you on a permanent, fully paid contract.
And you're so good with Harper.
Be a shame to see you go.
Come on, Harper.
Good girl.
Oh, Alex Congratulations! Doors closing.
Doors closing.
Oh.
I don't make deadlines up for fun, do I, Roger? Do I look like I'm the sort of woman Well, exactly.
Thank you.
Harper? Roger, I'll call you back.
I can't find Harper.
Harper!