Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Chicago

Al Capone, he's got a 95 I.
He's not that smart.
He's this big, weird [bleep] mook.
We're gonna call you "Scarface.
" No, I want to be called "Snorky.
" Lincoln's, like, a nerd.
He's an ape! Awk awkt "awksward"! Boom.
The Haymarket riot.
Are we going? Yep.
We walk outside and we look out on our city and we see the architecture, we see everything that happens, and it's just, like, a beautiful town.
- This is Chicago.
- Yeah.
It's the city of broad shoulders.
It's the sports, the food, the culture, the everything.
There is no [bleep] city on earth that compares to Chicago.
This is meat-packing country.
The Bulls, the Bears, and the gangsters, dude! You see the look in my eye? It's this [bleep] attitude that I will spit in your face and slap the [bleep] out of you.
Chicago! [Bleep] you! - Oh, yeah.
- Why don't you do a little refill? When I moved to Chicago, I started, like Oh, I went to a place, the old The Green Mill, and you could sit at Al Capone's booth, where you could see both entrances.
And the bartender my friend ran a place, he'd be like, Oh, look behind the bar, here's tunnels there's tunnels where Al Capone used to go.
It's not so much that he just was ruthlessly killed people, but he was dumb.
Hello, today we're gonna talk about Alphonse Capone, a hot-doggy-lipped gangster.
Al Capone went to Chicago.
We've got more guns and more guys, more money, and faster cars.
So it was just like, oh, I guess we'll just take over the city.
It was, like, really that simple.
Prohibition delivered this country to Al Capone, bound and gagged.
Just the liquor was so lucrative, you know, that the money just kept piling up and this like, became, like, literally, like, a billionaire.
Guy with, like, 90 I.
Pretty weird.
He was the most powerful man.
Everyone knew it.
Press conferences would say like, why aren't you made mayor, Al? And he'd, like, laugh.
I'd rather just be in this position.
Why would I be mayor, you know? So many rules! It's kind of bull[bleep].
It was like, they were looking for a way to take him down, And, uh, he never claimed that he had any income.
Herbert Hoover stepped in and just said, like, okay, we're finding him guilty, and here's the story.
George the [bleep] nerd is in on it.
His brother was busted for tax evasion, and we could get Al Capone on tax evasion.
Eliot Ness was a "Tredsury" treasury agent.
He said, like, George, you're gonna [Bleep] testify.
He didn't want to do it, because he was like, yeah, [bleep] you.
Al Capone is more powerful than the government.
This comes down from upstairs.
It was, like, really that simple, you know? So, you know, you got this, like, hot-doggy-lipped, 90 I.
[bleep] weirdo who's just like, how about we go to them and say, all right, let's say I made this much money over this period of time, and I'll pay this kind of taxes, and I'll plea bargain, and he had it negotiated where he was gonna do two years in prison.
And then the judge, they said, like, we're not gonna accept your plea, but we're gonna take part of your plea that said you earned this much money and bust you for taxes, and and sentence you to Whoa, what the [bleep]? I thought we had a deal here? They put him away.
That's when they started giving him like, you know, medical tests and psych tests and stuff, and that's You know, 'cause really, they knew nothing about him.
Oh, he's got a 95 I.
He's not that smart.
He's this big, weird [bleep] mook.
Oh, you got a 90 I.
, but you sure knew who to kill, and that's pretty smart.
Oh, and he started peeing pus when he was [bleep] 18 years old and he didn't [bleep] say anything about it.
He just ignored pus com coming out of his [bleep].
I mean, right? Gah, pus is coming out of my [bleep]! - What is it? - Nothing.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna stop thinking about it.
Good idea.
Hey, Al, how about one penicillin shot? Nope.
Let's ignore it.
And, you know, he's afraid of needles, and syphilis rots his brain.
Soon after, he becomes a [bleep] babbling idiot.
Do you know he his he wanted his nickname to be "Snorky"? I want to be called "Snorky.
" We're gonna call you "Scarface.
" No, I want to be called "Snorky.
" But when he got out of jail, he really quickly wandered away into, like, a idiot who would, like, put a fishing pole into his, like, pool in his backyard, like, hoping to catch fish.
I imagine they just made comments like, hey, why is he fishing in his own pool? Well, he's a syphilitic moron.
Syphilitic moron? What's that? It's a guy who has had a portion of his brain eaten away by his own [bleep] pus.
He he's [bleep] up.
He's he's a moron.
He's like a five-year-old.
Wow, because he had sex with whores and got, like, a dirty dick and he didn't do anything about it? Pretty much.
The most powerful man in, you know, the country, like, looking for fake fish in a pool with a his bamboo rod.
What what an idiot.
He had everything, right? So, we're sitting in the Al Capone booth now.
- Now - This is it.
This is where he used to sit, yeah.
It's been reupholstered, though.
And that way, he could see both doors, so he always would sit here and and he just threw them at his mansion in Florida.
You know, he was just, like, a blabbering fool.
- Really? - You know what I mean? That's why you gotta wear a raincoat, you know? 'Cause you get the syphilis.
- That's no good.
- What's the raincoat do? - Oh, come on.
- Oh, a condom.
- What do you think? - Capone didn't wear condoms.
They should make Al Capone condoms.
I don't know if they made them yet.
Did they have 'em back then? I don't know when did con when did condoms start? Something to do with, uh a goat intestine, like back in a you know, years ago, they'd cut a goat intestine and tie the end, and that's what they used.
Oh, [bleep].
Lincoln's, like, a nerd.
And, I mean, it's not even, like, a funny sitcom or anything.
Whoa, what's that all about? What are you doing? And if you ever get the Illinois state quarter, that's what's on it Lincoln.
What's the name of the disease he had, where you're extra tall and sad? - Elephantitis? - Marfan's Marfan's disease.
I'm doing a story about Abraham Lincoln.
Oh, he's a good guy.
- He's a Yeah.
Here, let's have our Let's grab our drinks, have a seat.
Hello, I'm Rich Fulcher, and today I'm gonna introduce Abraham Lincoln, the lawyer.
You know, this device called the reaper, in the 19th century, people were like, and then McCormick invented a automatic reaper.
People were like, this is crazy.
I can't believe this.
John Manny said, I invented the automatic reaper, and then that meant there was a big luso lu Lawsuit.
I invented the reaper, you mother[bleep].
I invented the reaper, you mother[bleep].
and Manny got some Philadelphia lawyers called Harding and Stanton and Watson and some other people.
These guys are like, we've got to, um, do this with a local guy.
They didn't know anybody, so they hired this guy.
Lincoln was this lawyer, man.
He was, like, a lawyer.
Lincoln answered the door.
Stanton went, he's like some sort of nerd.
Lincoln's, like, a nerd.
And, I mean, it's not even, like, a funny sitcom or anything.
And then this guy, Watson, looks at him and says, oh, [bleep], he doesn't even have, like, a Watson, or He doesn't have a Wat a Watson? He doesn't have a vest.
Whoa, what's that all about? What are you doing? Lincoln was, like, viewed as persona non grata.
The case changed to Cincinnati.
Stanton and Harding go, mm-hmm, we don't need Lincoln anymore.
But Lincoln didn't even know about any of this [bleep].
He would just keep researching and researching.
Oh, yeah, bup-bup-bup-bup.
I've been just going along with my own fun.
He would write.
He would be like, am I involved in this case or what? Finally, he found out that the case had been moved to Cincinnati, and he was like, [bleep]! I've gotta go to Cincinnati! So, he went.
Lincoln went up to the hotel where all the lawyers were, and Stanton saw Lincoln coming here coming up.
Stanton went to Harding, oh, my god, this guy is a lanky, gawky, awkward, ape-legged, ape-l armed man.
This guy is weird.
This guy is like an ape.
He's got ape arms.
He's got, like, ape, awkward arms.
This guy is, like, an ape, awkward guy.
This guy is an ape! Awk Awkt "awksward"! He's like an ape-man.
This guy is like an ape, awkward man.
Lincoln stayed for the whole case.
They'd just go on without even acknowledging Lincoln.
The legal arguments that were made and the structure Oh, my God.
This is the way to do it.
Like, oh, [bleep].
It was just, like, a myriad of wonderment.
I'm um um Hum, hum, humma, hum, hum, humma.
Humma Lincoln! Manning won.
And everything was great.
So Lincoln goes back to Chicago, like, I know what I need to do now.
I'm gonna study my ass off and get things going.
I'm gonna get my [bleep] in gear or I'm gonna be Mr.
[bleep] house.
And five years later, he becomes the president.
Here's the thing because Stanton was part of the firm that said, we're, like, not into you, Lincoln said, I'm gonna get Edwin Stanton to become Secretary of War.
How cool is that? When Lincoln dies, he says, now he belongs to the ages.
And Lincoln goes, [bleep], that's great.
What's the biggest lesson to learn in this story? My balls are big.
Let's not do this, and a lot of fancy words.
Spies said, our silence is powerful.
No, I'm I'm I'm live.
I'm [bleep] live right now.
Okay, good.
I just wanted to know, like I'm [bleep] live we fin we drank all the tequila? We drank all the [bleep] tequila.
- Mm, let's put the knife away.
- Yeah, put that knife away.
I feel like I should just [bleep] fight somebody That wants to You don't need to fight anybody.
that wants to dispute things.
Hey! Kyle! Okay, now you did drink that whole bottle.
Today we're gonna talk about the Haymarket riot.
Chicago, huge industrial city.
It's, like, the 1880s.
August Spies moved from Germany.
He's worked for a, uh, German socialist newspaper.
He's like, all right, let's we need we need, uh, we need better working conditions, this and that.
They were having a big rally in front of the McCormick plant.
They mechanized the whole plant, but the workers, they're not having it.
They're like, no, [bleep] this! This is our skill! This is what this is the union.
So, they're on strike.
August Spies was there.
Aug Aug uh, Spies.
He he goes there and he gives a speech.
He's like, stick with your union.
Be solid.
You know, ju just [bleep] be you know, be together.
Don't go crazy or nothing, But just be with your group.
Be, you know be be solid.
They had cops there, of course.
They got cops there.
Well, [bleep] goes wrong.
Some of the striking workers, they rush the gates at the McCormick plant.
The cops, they shoot.
They kill a couple of the strikers.
Spies sees this.
He sees this and he's like, oh, this is bull[bleep].
Let's not do this, and a lot of fancy words.
Let's op let's open the door in case I barf.
No, no, no.
I just fell out of the chair a little bit.
Would you like I love laying on my floor, too.
Like, don't feel like you've got to get back in the chair.
It's a good it's a good floor.
It's a great hardwood floor.
And, uh, he goes back.
He write he writes a protest, or whatever.
The whole thing is, like, get an eighth hour Eight eight-hour work day.
Okay, just just get an eighth an eight-hour work day, and it's just undermined, because that This is what they're doing.
They're trying to [bleep] with us.
They're trying to force conflict.
And it just [bleep] with the eight-hour work day.
Click-clack, clickety-clack.
So he writes this whole thing.
Give it a headline, make sure it gets out there.
Well, the guy who gives it a headline, it just says, "Revenge.
" And he's like, no, we don't stand for violence! But it goes out.
Revenge! And we want eight hours! Like, no, we're not gonna take [bleep] anymore.
There's already a labor Nobody knows where it came from.
Nobody knew who threw the bomb.
Ahh We gonna [Bleep] around, or we gonna do a goddamn tv show? They're talking, and they're and they're speaking their minds on it.
Even Harrison, the mayor of Chicago, shows up, like, I'm here.
I'm not upset about this.
They're speaking their minds.
It's cool.
What about but they're anarchists.
I'm not sug they're just doing what they're doing, and they're not saying anything terrible.
I'm the mayor.
I said this is cool.
Let 'em let 'em go.
I'm taking off.
One of the guys is up there.
Guys, guys, hey.
We're getting we're getting we're busting our asses here.
He invokes the guys that died the day before at the McCormick plant, and people are getting riled up.
So the police stepped in and said, all right, nope, nope.
We're gonna step in.
We need you to disperse in the name of the Chicago police department.
We need you to get going.
Take a hike.
You're done.
This bomb comes hurling in.
Nobody knows where it came from.
Nobody knew who threw the bomb.
All in all, chaos.
The Haymarket riot.
Shots shots go off.
Eight people die.
- Are we going? - Yep.
Ready when you are.
What happens the next day, it's martial law.
That's what happens.
The next day, it's martial law.
They arrest eight people, including August Spies.
And no no evidence.
No evidence that they built bombs.
They arrest them all under the guise of conspiracy.
Bull[bleep]! Spies was like, no, I stand with these guys.
I I proclaim my innocence, but I'm standing with everybody.
So, the next editor of the Chicago Tribune said, don't hang them.
These are the people that allow you to be a millionaire business owner.
Do you want to start a war with these people? 'Cause once these people decide to go, [bleep] you, you're [bleep] out of luck.
Except the guy they got in it, Marshall [bleep] Field, the biggest industrialist in Chicago at the time.
We should agree with the labor leaders.
Nope, I don't want to do it.
I will not concede to these people, these dirty, long-haired, filthy [bleep] anarchist socialist, garbage, pieces of people.
Squash labor leaders.
Squash it all.
Hang the bastards! Let's be honest.
Let's be honest.
Let's be honest.
Let's be honest.
Spies said, our silence is powerful! More so than your other stuff.
The day will come I'm watching it [bleep] swish around, and I'm mad about it.
I got this.
- Dude - I got this! I lit a fragrance candle for you [bleep] dicks.
Don't put all your weight on the pan.
And now we only work eight hours a day.
Eight hours a day.