Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Montgomery

_ _ Percy Julian was one of the most famous scientists of his time.
Oxygens and carbutrons, that's molecules for you.
Rosa Parks gets taken off to jail.
She's like, oh, I was just tired.
Aren't I not threatening, white people? I'm sorry I burped, but I'm not sorry! Joe Louis is against the ropes, and then [Bleep] Schmeling knocks him down, and he's like, oh, [Bleep], I shouldn't have been [Bleep] and golfing.
I'm trying to pull my pants up, though.
People are surprised when they come here, and they see what's actually here.
You know, we have got all sorts of history in Montgomery.
We've got, like, civil rights, civil war, I mean, everything.
It's a nice place.
People are welcoming and generous and thoughtful, and everyone here tells me, you're not from here.
Montgomery, Alabama, is the biggest little city in the world, as far east of the Mississippi.
And, of course, I'm [Bleep]-faced so anything I say is like, yeah, he's [Bleep]-faced.
What do you want to cheers to? Um, Alabama.
I put too much of that in the glass.
It was a little much.
Today we're going to talk about Percy Julian, one of the greatest scientists to ever live.
Percy Julian was born in Montgomery, Alabama, in 1899.
So that meant he was growing up as a kid in Jim Crow Segregation Land.
Even though it was a huge obstacle, he was able to escape into plants.
That sounds so dumb when I say it.
No, sounds great.
He said, look at these plants.
There's a whole laboratory inside these things.
I just want to unlock all the healing qualities of all these plants and things.
Little Percy decided, I want to be a scientist.
He got accepted to DePauw University in Indiana.
He thinks, this is gonna be so much different than Montgomery, Alabama, and all the segregation there.
He gets there, black students are banned from campus, uh, living on campus.
He finally finds a fraternity that allows him to live in their basement in exchange for being their butler, and they're like, can you make us some hot dogs? Yeah, I guess I'll make you some hot dogs.
I'm only trying to [Bleep] be a scientist here.
We don't care.
Can you make us a pizza? Yeah, I'll make you a pizza.
I'm only [Bleep] trying to get my goddamn degree.
We don't care.
But at that time, in the United States, no one would allow a black man to get their PhD.
So he goes to Vienna, Austria.
He's like, this place is amazing.
I mean, we're doing real work here, guys.
Carbons and hydrogens, oxygens and carbutrons, and that's molecules for you.
He writes home, and he says, this is this place is amazing, and I'm kind of a badass here.
Like, ladies like me.
That's all I'm gonna say.
I'll say a little bit more.
I've had sex with some people here, and they weren't all racially racist and stuff.
I don't want to get into too much detail.
I've penetrated many women.
All the best, Percy.
Those letters would come back to haunt him later.
Percy's back in America, and he's like, ah, yeah, I'm [Bleep] back from Vienna.
I got my PhD.
No big deal.
Let's just keep doing some science, guys.
And then his boss, the president at Howard University, is like, no, no, no.
All those letters that you wrote about all those babes you were hooking up with in Vienna? This is very embarrassing to Howard University, so we need you to resign, and Percy's like, what? These were personal letters! And he's like, there's a lot of "opportunitities" "opportunitities"? [Bleep] you guys, I guess.
He's a man without a job, so he has nowhere to go.
This guy William O'Brian who's a vice president of Glidden, a paint company he's like, this is absurd.
This is crazy.
This guy is a genius.
I'm gonna hire this guy to be the director of research in our laboratory.
So Percy and his team were studying soybeans in the lab.
They're going, this molecule goes to this molecule, and then boom, and then we have this molecule that's going to this molecule, and then boom.
We're having a good time.
So he's working all this stuff.
So one time, Percy's in his lab.
He found out there had been an accident, and he was like, oh, [Bleep].
Oh, [Bleep].
Some water got into this 100,000-gallon tank of soybean juice.
I'm in [Bleep] trouble.
And he notices these crystals on the side of the tub, and he realizes, I just made steroids from a soybean.
At that time, they were getting steroids from, like, horse piss.
Everybody was like, whoa, Percy just made progesterone out of a bean.
He didn't even have to, like, use a horse dick for that.
There's only so many horse dicks.
There is, like, a million soybeans, uh, per every one horse dick, okay? Percy starts making millions of dollars because of this.
He's able to help millions of people, with things from arthritis, glaucoma, birth control, and he was a role model to many other African-Americans after him.
He created so much goddamn stuff, I can't even list all the stuff he created, because there's not enough time on the show, but can I just, like can you just scroll a list of all the stuff he created? Yeah, we can because that would be the most efficient way.
- Just while you're talking? - I can't I don't have I can't, but I hope you're seeing the list of all the stuff he created, because it's insane.
It's, like, a lot of stuff.
I didn't even know about that.
Look at that.
- That is [Bleep] awesome.
- And you got Mario? Oh, I got King Koopa too.
Montgomery, Alabama, is Super Mario Bros.
3, because you got cops all over you know, you got they're the goombas.
You got extra lives are your bars.
And then you got Bowser, who might be that hot chick you're trying to score with at the end of the night, texting your buddy.
And he's like, hey, what are y'all two doing? Oh, we're not going out.
Meanwhile, they're sleeping with each other, so it just turns to Mario Kart, and you're on rainbow road to her house, until I find out, is she, like I've had that happen.
We've all been there.
There we go.
Look at this.
This is awesome.
To Montgomery, Alabama.
To Montgomery, Alabama, baby, 334.
Drunk History, baby.
It feels so great to have a lot of vodka.
Feels really great.
People aren't gonna tell you that, but it's true.
Today we're going to talk about Claudette Colvin.
Guess what.
In Montgomery, Alabama, in 1955, a young black woman became the first person who was arrested for not giving up her seat to a white lady on the bus.
That young woman's name is Claudette Colvin.
Claudette Colvin is a 15-year-old bespectacled teenager.
Uh-oh, let me say it.
Bespectacled teenager.
It's a hard word, "bespectacled.
" She takes the bus home from school, so her friends are like, all right, we're having a fun trip to home.
Uh-oh, a white lady.
A white lady gets on the bus.
The white lady's like, hey, you guys have to move, because I'm white.
Claudette's friends leave, but Claudette stays, and is like, you know what, I paid my fare, the same as this white lady paid her fare.
So Claudette's like, [Bleep] you.
I'm [Bleep] sitting.
Have a seat.
White lady's like, I will not have a seat.
The bus driver's like, I'm gonna get the cops.
So the cops are like, move.
Claudette's like, I shall not be moved, and they drag her off the bus.
The only thing she knows to do is to go, it's my constitutional right.
And they're like, it's 1955, and we don't have to do [Bleep], so [Bleep] you.
Claudette's like, [Bleep] [Bleep] 1955.
I'm sorry I burped, but I'm not sorry! So wait, what? So the N.
is flooded with letters saying, Claudette Colvin is so brave, she's wonderful.
And the person who reads these letters, the secretary of the N.
, Rosa Parks.
Rosa Parks goes to Claudette Colvin's house and is like, Claudette, you're the [Bleep].
Claudette's like, I [Bleep] know.
I'm the one who got my ass dragged to jail.
And that's how they really connect and become friends.
So, whenever she's at an N.
meeting, she spends the night at Rosa Parks' house.
And Rosa Parks is like, you know what, you're great.
Claudette Colvin is like, you're great.
They really connect.
Time passes, and E.
Nixon, the president of their local chapter of the N.
, is like, we need to start a bus boycott, and this bus boycott will start a revolution.
We should use Claudette Colvin's arrest as a reason to boycott the buses.
People will get behind her.
But then they were like, oh, but not white people, because she has darker skin, and we can't have a of the anti-segregation movement, but we can have Rosa Parks as the face of this movement.
So it's at that time that Rosa Parks sits down in the white section of the bus and gets taken off to jail, but she had to act like, oh, I was just tired.
Aren't I not threatening, white people? And then white people were like, oh, she's just tired.
We're eating this up.
I'm just, like, hyper-aware that, like, this very moment could be on national TV.
I'm [Bleep] like an ass[Bleep] right now, okay.
It's at this time that the N.
Put a flier in the hand of every black person in Montgomery, including Claudette Colvin.
The flier says, please don't ride the bus on Monday.
We are boycotting the arrest of Rosa Parks.
And then Claudette Colvin is like, I can't believe that I'm finding out through a [Bleep] flier that Rosa Parks did exactly what I did.
I feel very hurt.
Claudette Colvin is like, ouch.
And at that same time, she finds out she's pregnant.
She's like, [Bleep].
Her high school finds out that she's pregnant, so she's kicked out of high school.
She's like, [Bleep].
You know what, [Bleep] this.
I'm moving to Burning Man.
Did I say Burning Man? I thought Burning Man, while I said Birmingham.
Birming Burning Man? Now I can't say burning man.
Uh-oh, okay, I'm in a tailspin.
The judge is like, segregation is unconstitutional.
You're welcome, Montgomery, [Bleep] Alabama.
I ended segregation.
Rosa Parks, the bus boycott, Martin Luther King.
And how about Claudette Colvin? Claudette Colvin, I'll tell you.
I'm the first person to tell you that I don't even know who she is.
Where in the world was I? Mm Well, um At this time, the bus boycott has been going on for far too long.
Fred Gray, one of the only two black lawyers in Montgomery, Alabama, goes to Claudette Colvin's house, and he's like, let's sue the city of Montgomery for the fact that segregation is unconstitutional.
- Will you testify? - She's like, absolutely.
- Let me have this baby.
- So bam.
She has this baby, and they put some people on the stand, and Claudette is the star witness.
She's like, Your Honor, I have this, and I have that, and I hate [Bleep] segregation.
The judge is like, segregation is unconstitutional.
They win the case, so she was like, you're welcome, Montgomery, [Bleep] Alabama.
I ended segregation.
I'm moving to New York to become a nurse.
She moved to New York I mean, okay.
Earlier I felt okay, and then after that, I felt drunk, but then now, it's really drunk.
Okay, 55 years later, a reporter finds her and is like, are you Claudette Colvin? Didn't you do the thing that everyone kind of thinks Rosa Parks did, but she didn't, you did? And she's like, yes, it was me, it was me! And the reporter was like, aren't you jealous of Rosa Parks and how everyone celebrates her? And Claudette Colvin said, I've made my peace with that.
I'm just satisfied that my children can sit wherever they want on the bus.
The end! Wow, well, you just crushed that.
Thank you.
It's my job right now to tell stories.
How are you, cup? Boxing is very demanding.
You have to get in great condition for this sport.
Breathing kind of heavy over there.
Puffing like a train.
You okay? Oh, yeah.
- All right.
- Psyching me out.
Calisthenics is very important.
Reverse! Glad I went to the bathroom.
Oh! I got you.
Come on, I got you.
Two, three.
Catch 'em up, Kyle.
Go ahead and go to work on him.
Now, what am I aiming for? Am I really - am I boxing right now? - Yeah, yes, you are.
- All right, all right.
- There you go.
There you go.
Way to go.
- Thank you, Kyle.
- Hey, man.
- You're a great fighter, man.
- Appreciate it.
Thanks for punching me in the face.
If you're saying you're drunk, just sip on that.
You don't have to get all [Bleep] up.
Just okay.
All right, Morgan Murphy.
Hello, today we're going to talk about Joe Louis versus Max Schmeling.
Big fights, America versus the Nazis.
Let's do it.
Joe Louis was a boxer from Alabama.
He's upwardly coming, and he had a rocking bod, and he's fighting this dude Max Schmeling.
Max Schmeling lived in Germany.
He was a German during the time of the Nazis.
Schmeling had won the Heavyweight Championship in 1930, 'cause Jack Sharkey hit him in the nuts and got disqualified.
So he basically won the Heavyweight Championship of the world by getting hit in the nuts.
Joe Louis' manager was like, we're gonna take this ex-champion, Schmeling, throw him in front of Louis, Louis will pummel him.
Joe Louis was like, I don't need to train for this schmuck, you know? Instead of training, he was playing golf, and he had all these women coming around and stuff.
So he's [Bleep] and playing golf and stuff instead of training for his fight.
So the first fight was at Yankee Stadium.
There's tens of thousands of people there, and everyone just assumes Joe Louis is gonna kick Max Schmeling's butt.
Like, Hitler didn't even want it advertised in Germany.
Hitler was like, this guy's gonna lose.
We don't want anyone to know about the fight.
It was like, Joe was, like, doing all right, and then Max Schmeling just starts coming at him.
He was like, boom, boom, boom.
And then [Bleep] Schmeling knocks him down for the first time in his whole career.
Joe Louis was like, oh, [Bleep].
I shouldn't have been [Bleep] and golfing.
And he loses.
So Louis feels like, I'm not the real champ until I beat Max Schmeling, you know, 'cause he beat me before, so I'm gonna I'm now, I want to beat him, and so they basically ended up deciding they were gonna fight again.
And, uh, you know, he was at the White House, and Roosevelt said, you know, we need these arms to beat the Nazis.
Are you gonna win? Or whatever.
And he's like, yeah, I got to I got to I I can't do what I did before.
I can't [Bleep] up and lose.
I got to get my [Bleep] in shape.
No women, no golf.
I have gloves.
Where are your gloves? Hold on.
Will someone pull my pants up? Joe Louis trains hard this time.
He doesn't play golf.
He doesn't [Bleep] chicks.
He just trains.
And the second fight was at Yankee Stadium, and Hitler, like, was, like, suddenly Mr.
Like, all right, we're gonna win.
Let's do this.
Tell everybody.
Let's party.
Let's watch the fight.
Everybody, you can be out until 3:00 A.
All the bars have to have booze, so you can celebrate.
And also, we will use the prize money to build tanks, 'cause he thought he was gonna win.
Joe Louis was prepared, and he's just like, [bleep] one, two, one, two.
And Hitler's like, uh-oh, spaghettios.
Don't let anybody hear this.
Pull the plug.
They, like, pulled it from German radio, 'cause they knew what was gonna happen.
Like, never mind, don't worry about it.
Go do your thing.
No Jews.
Thank you, bye.
- I don't like this idea.
- Just fight nicely.
Delicate, one, delicate.
Thank you.
Joe Louis is pummeling Schmeling.
Left, right.
All right.
Okay, okay, all right, all right, you win.
Oh, no, no.
You got me good.
The greatest fight of all time.
And the ref said, it's over.
And Joe Louis won.
America won.
People in America were like, even me, an ass[Bleep] racist American, can - realize we beat the Nazis.
- That's [Bleep] amazing! I love that guy.
You won.
I know.
I'm trying to get up.
Hold on.
Thank you.