Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - New York

The French people want to give you a giant statue.
And they said, eh, we're good.
I'm not eating Play-Doh.
The British are coming, and if you're not coming, then you're a mother[Bleep].
This is the moment where I'm like, "oh, I really am drunk.
" I will go into the insane asylum and give you a really good report.
You're crazy.
Yes, you're crazy.
If you want to learn a lot in, like, one week, come to New York, you know? The concrete jungle where dreams are made of.
We walk the walk.
We talk the talk.
We get it done.
Welcome to the capital of the world.
I love New York.
Born and raised in the Bronx, man.
The best pastrami ever.
That boar's head stuff? Forget about it.
It's garbage.
Give me your cool, your poor, your sick, your hungry, your tired.
Your cool? Yeah.
- Cheers.
- New York.
New York to the cool.
New York All right, I'm gonna give you an arm, the arm of the torch.
- Of the torch.
- Yeah.
This is the gist.
Hold on.
This is the gist of the arm, right? If you care about America, you'll see this for what it's meant to be.
The smurf dick.
All right.
Today we're gonna stalk about the Statue of Liver Liberty.
We have the Statue of Liberty today because of a man named Frederic Bartholdi, a sculptor in France.
One day he was sitting down with his buddy who was like, hey, it's 1865.
The United States is turning Someone's gonna give them a gift for their 100th birthday.
It should be France.
And Bartholdi's like, [Bleep] yeah.
This sounds [Bleep] amazing.
And Bartholdi comes up with this idea of this giant woman made entirely of copper, holding a golden torch to represent liber That's a tough it's a tough word.
- It is.
- Liberty.
So Bartholdi has a sit-down with Congress.
The French people want to give you a giant statue.
Like, giant.
And whenever people come into the port of New York Harbor, the first thing they're gonna see is, like, like, a a 300-foot-high statue.
And they said, eh, we're good.
I mean, that's it's in-[Bleep]-sane.
Bartholdi can't believe it.
I I just want to give you guys a gift.
Like, this is I'll make it.
The French will pay for it.
You don't have to do [Bleep].
And Congress said, here's the thing, you're French.
The French are kind of pussies.
And the French are kind of dicks.
And the French are kind of not Americans.
So Bartholdi goes back to France.
He's like, [Bleep] this.
[Bleep] America.
Whether they take it or not is their problem.
My problem is I need to complete a 300-foot copper statue.
I'm gonna have to use the bathroom again in a sec.
Doesn't it suck having a dick? No.
It doesn't suck having a dick? I love having a dick.
So by 1876, the 100-year anniversary of the United States, all he has done is an arm holding a torch.
But the American people are like, holy [Bleep].
This is [Bleep] great.
Like, I wonder what this entire statue is gonna look like when it's done.
And Congress goes, all right, we will accept your gift.
Bartholdi is over the moon.
Oh, this is so great.
Thank you so much.
We should probably talk about the pedestal.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.
What are you talking about, "pedestal"? I need a pedestal to put my statue on.
And the United States Congress says, um, [Bleep] no.
I'm not paying for [Bleep].
Bartholdi is furious.
I'm going through all this trouble, and you won't even give me a place to put my statue? And Congress says, that's [Bleep] right.
I love Play-Doh.
The thing is Here's the thing.
Bartholdi is still building, and eventually a statue is done.
And it's just sitting here, but there's nowhere to put it.
Watch it.
Was that expensive ? It's around that time that an American named Joseph Pulitzer steps in and says, this is [Bleep] crazy.
We won't accept it? What is going on? All we have to give them is a place to put it.
So Pulitzer mounts a totally new campaign.
Look, [Bleep] Congress.
Forget the president.
I think we should build this pedestal.
If you agree, I want you to give some money.
Doesn't have to be a lot.
Even if you give a penny, I'll print your name in my newspaper.
And the American people step up all over the country sending 5c, 10c, 50c.
and Pulitzer's going, yeah.
My [Bleep] newspaper.
And eventually they have this pedestal built.
You know what I used to do as a kid? I loved eating Pay-Doh.
- Did you? - Oh yeah.
[Bleep], that's terrible.
I'm not eating Play-Doh.
Are you [Bleep] kidding me? Anyways, the Statue of Liberty is unveiled to the American people with Bartholdi on the torch balcony.
Like, look at this [Bleep].
Look at this [Bleep] Oh, my God.
Come on.
That's the [Bleep] arm.
You can't get it out of your teeth.
Stay tuned for more Drunk History.
Let's go.
Let's go get these ass[Bleep].
Let's make it happen.
Damn it.
I was doing such a good job.
- Are you a fan of Paul Revere? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, he was the best.
You know that there was a 16-year-old girl who did exactly what Paul Revere did except he did 20 miles of letting everyone know the redcoats were coming, and she did 40 miles.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, see? I love history.
I love it.
- Hi, Suzi.
- Hi, Derek.
All right, let's do it.
Watch your head.
- We're good.
- Hello.
Today we're gonna talk about Sybil Luning Today we're gonna talk about Sybil Ludington who did the midnight ride that you haven't heard about, but you will, right? So it's early on in the revolution, and the British are tearing through the colonies.
Blap, blap.
Kggh! Sybil Ludington just had her 16th birthday.
Her dad, Henry Ludington, is the head of the local militia, fending off the British.
So on this particular night, she's tucking in her brothers and sisters, and all of a sudden, ka-ka, ka-ka.
There's a knock on the door.
- This man is at the door - Oh, my God.
He's so out of breath.
The British are burning Danbury, Connecticut.
Okay, so Henry Ludington is like, I need to go knock on every door, get our militia, and save our country.
Well, here's the thing though.
I have to stay here to, like, rally the troops, and make the plan.
It's not like you can send an e-vite out.
So who's gonna do it? I'll do it, comes a peep from the night.
Blah blah.
I got it.
Sybil comes peep-peep-peeping down the night, and her dad's like, she's 16 years old.
She's a girl.
It's a [Bleep] hard-ass night outside.
It's 40 miles.
Well, [Bleep].
We don't have a better option.
So yeah, we're gonna let her do it.
She sets out into the night.
So guess what happens.
It starts raining.
Well, snap.
It's raining.
It's, like, wind-y trails and boulders.
She grabs a stick, and she's cha-cha whacking it on all the doors she passes by.
She's like, the British are coming! If you the British are coming! You have to follow me.
Come back to the Ludington's.
And if you're not coming, then you're a mother[Bleep].
Go! Go! Go! This is the moment where I'm like, "oh, I really am drunk.
" So she rounds a corner and suddenly this ass[Bleep] jumps out of the bushes.
Stop your horse.
You know, give me your purse or whatever.
She's like, all I have is this stick, so Aah, and just flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.
Flaps him in the neck.
You know? Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, classic flap in the neck.
As it came out, it sounded weird, but you know what I mean.
She just [Bleep] him up, keeps going, don't have time, have to round up militiamen.
She gets to every house on the route spread out over 40 miles.
to Henry Ludington's home, and he is like, oh, my goodness.
You did it.
Let's go.
Let's go get these ass[Bleep].
Let's make it happen.
Damn it.
I was doing such a good job.
Okay, so here comes Henry Ludington's militia.
And they beat back the British, and they were like, this is the deal.
And there you go.
And there you stay.
And there you went.
And bye-bye-bye, Charlie.
So a couple weeks go by.
Holy [Bleep].
Life is back to normal.
There's a knock on the door.
And standing at the door is George Washington.
And he is like, I'm here to give a congratulations to the best effort I've seen ever.
Henry Ludington is like, you're welcome, sir.
And George Washington's like, uh-uh-uh-uh.
Stand aside.
I'm here to see Sybil Ludington, who did that amazing ride.
Sybil, from the woodwork, comes out, oh, yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
I don't know why in that part she had a British accent, but he was like, you are the best.
You did it.
I can't ask for a better spirit of force from anyone, and huzzah.
And that's yeah.
and then double it, and that's what Sybil Ludington did, which is 40 miles.
That's the whole thing.
End of history, and that's the deal.
And that's the whole Naa-savenya The nurses would just beat the [Bleep] out of people.
Hitting them like crazy.
And Nellie Bly was like, aw, [Bleep].
That ain't cool.
I'm gonna write that down.
The entrepreneurs who shaped this country are kind of brawlers, and that's the beauty of New York.
It's such a brawling town.
Usually in a fight, after it's done, that mess, that cacophony of fists, you're sort of part of a group.
And that group is who built America.
Come do a shot to get, like, [Bleep].
Good call.
Hello, I'm gonna tell you about Nellie Bly, a very good journalist from the 1880s who did an expose on the world of mental illness.
Nellie Bly was a very strong-minded woman.
She gets a load of a column from a local pittsburg paper, and it's super sexist.
The article was like, chicks got to stay in the kitchen.
Girls got to why even bother being educated when you just got to get married and have babies? And she was like, [Bleep] this guy.
Girls are better than being in the kitchen, being wives, and sewing [Bleep].
I'm super smart, and I'm gonna show you I'm super smart just to prove that, like, women are awesome.
So Nellie So Nellie Bly went to New York City, and she knocked on every newspaper door in the city, and who answered the door but Joseph Pulitzer himself.
And he's like, listen, I don't take you seriously.
But I have an assignment.
I want you to pretend to be crazy and get committed to the insane asylum in New York City, Blackwell's Island.
Nellie Bly said, okay, I'll do it.
And he was like, what? And she was like, I will go into the insane asylum and give you a really good report.
Right? Right-right? [Bleep] that dog.
Oh, God, some people have a lot of [Bleep] labs and they're great.
This thing's a piece of [Bleep].
All right, so Nellie Bly, she never saw a crazy person before, so she went in front of a mirror and made funny faces, like See this face? The face? She had no idea what crazy people say.
She was like, okay, this is how I'm gonna be crazy.
Nah! She goes to this bo this boarding house.
Listen, everybo every listen, everybo every lady at this boarding house with me.
I am crazy, okay? What? What? Oh, you're crazy.
Nellie, you're crazy.
You're crazy.
Yes, you're crazy.
The head mistress is like, send her to the insane asylum.
And Nellie Bly was like, yes.
This is working.
This is super working for me.
I'm super happy.
And she finds herself on Blackwell's Island.
Um I'm drunk as [Bleep].
Whoo! So she was examined by a doctor.
Like, how tall is she? And the nurse would be like, come and look at how tall this Nellie is.
And doctor would say, like, what are you doing after we measure Nellie Bly? After the nurse and doctor flirted for, like, a half-hour, the doctor's like, oh, my God.
This Nellie Bly, she is a crazy, crazy person that needs to be here forever.
And Nellie Bly was like, yes! I'm so happy.
I'm such a good journalist.
She started to see how [Bleep] the conditions were.
The nurses would just beat the [Bleep] out of people.
Knock them in their ears.
Hitting them like crazy.
Like, you women are all crazy, and you suck.
And Nellie Bly was like, aw, [Bleep].
That ain't cool.
I'm gonna write that down.
These ladies are gonna get a word from me.
She sees perfectly sane women who just don't speak English.
The doctors were like, we don't speak German.
You're crazy.
You go to the asylum for life.
And there was a woman, she was like, I just got a little overwhelmed.
I'm not crazy.
And they were like, this woman is in so insane.
There's nothing we can do but keep her locked up at this in-sylum forever.
The insane asylum was horrible.
And then there's the the baths.
The nurses would just scrub the [Bleep] out of them, and Nellie Bly would be like, this kind of hurts a little bit.
She was like, you be quiet or I will I will I will make you wish you never said anything to me.
I'll scrub you so hard.
I got at least two bathing suits.
Should we put them on and get in the tub? Really? You don't have the balls to get in the tub with me with a bathing suit, do you? Joseph Pulitzer's like, hey, guess what, dummies.
She wasn't insane.
And they were like, oh, no! We're exposed! I've got some Yogurt containers that we can pour over our heads.
Look to the ceiling, Derek.
Look at oh, it's so much more pleasant to pour water over your heads than my son.
He makes such a fuss.
This is such a delight.
Nellie Bly had to take baths with, like, the dirt of 45 other girls on her, and it was freezing cold.
She had this horrible ten days in an insane asylum.
And then Joseph Pulitzer's like, "hey, guess what, dummies.
Like, this crazy wave girl was my sweet reporter, and she, um And she She wasn't insane.
And they were like, oh, no! We're exposed! And she wrote an article that exposed everybody.
All of the sudden money was flowing like crazy to mental health institutions.
She changed the world of mental health.
Nellie Bly was one of the first great American feminists that said, listen, stupid 1880s guys with giant moustaches connected to their stupid sideburns, women are really cool.
That is basically how it went except less kissing.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.