Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Hawaii

Then Captain Cook says, you and me are gods.
Let's go and party with them.
Laugh with me.
He looked down and said, there's a [bleep] arm next me and there's a hand grenade in that mother [bleep].
I'm [bleep] hammered, man, on this [bleep].
And he's all, "yeah, hey, what's up?" It's all bull[bleep].
We recognize you surf well but you're being a [bleep] dick.
Am I the perfect level of drunkenness right now or too drunk? 2x07 - Hawaii I love Hawaii.
We're lucky to be born in a special place, you know? It's magic.
This is the only island that looks like this.
You go to the other outer outer isla Out, I'm sorry.
The outer islands, it's like mayberry.
It's a lot different from the mainland.
That I can say.
You have your bad days and good days, but, I mean, you have better days here, you know what I mean? Is there a thing instead of cheers that they say in Hawaii? They say "ho'o mau kau kau" and then you have to say "'Ae.
" I do? Or you say ho'o mau kau kau, and I say 'ae.
- It means are you ready? - Oh ma.
- Ho'o mau kau kau.
- Ho'o maul kaul kaul.
- Mau.
- Maul.
You're doing an "l.
" Do it like me.
Ho'o mau kau kau? - Ho'o mau kau kau? - 'Ae.
My name is Jonah Ray Rodrigues, and I'm here to tell you about Captain Cook discovering the Islands of Hawaii.
- Opening shot.
- No.
I got really excited because I-I thought of that.
- And I guess I - No, it's very funny.
- What year is it? - So the year is 1779.
Kalani'opu'u is crowned chief right near the celebration of the season of the god, Lono.
He's like, he's a rad god.
He's about food and [bleep].
Let's party.
But then, a British ship manned by Captain James Cook appears on the water, and he's just like, there's some islands here.
Should we should we stop? The Hawaiian's are just like, oh, my god.
This is what Lono has given us, Like, a whole new buddy to hang out with.
So King Kalani'opu'u, excited about these people, says, you seem pretty cool.
You're a really cool dude.
But the way that it works out is that Captain Cook doesn't understand Hawaiian.
He takes what he's saying as, oh.
I think this guy thinks we're a god or gods of us.
We're all gods.
You and me are gods.
Let's go and party with them, because I've never been to a party where I'm a god.
And that's the first miscommunication that's happened.
The thing about Hawaiians is that they're very much into the spirit of aloha, which is, they're very good hosts.
All of Cook's men are just having a blast.
It's like, what's that? Food? I'm gonna eat it.
And other people are like, sex you like sex? I bet you do.
Come and have some.
But they are the worst guests, because they don't contribute anything to this party, and so it's like two weeks.
The Hawaiians are kind of being like, brother, these kind haoles, they ain't pitching in.
All they do is eat and have sex with our sisters.
Yeah, the Brits, they're just like, yeah I know, I know.
We'reyou guys are doing a great job of treating your gods well.
So tension starts to build.
And so at that point The train comes.
And so at that point, Captain Cook and his men go, you know what? It's time to check out that Northern passage anyway.
Thanks so much for the pig and the women.
And, you know, sweet beaches.
But we gotta go.
And so Captain Cook and his men leave.
Hawaiian people are like, brah.
Let's get back to the way things were.
What happens at this point is that there's a storm, and it just busts their boat.
And so Captain Cook is like, um, ship's broke.
But don't worry, we can go back to Hawaii.
They'll do whatever we say.
Well, Cook shows back up and goes, like, hey, everybody.
I'm back.
And they're like, oh, you're why are you back? Cook is just like, now as your god, I demand you to fix my boat.
My boat got broke.
Now you got to fix my boat.
Fix my broke boat.
And so everybody in Hawaii is just like, no, brah.
- Not even.
Huh? - Let's do a shot.
Laugh with me.
You're trying to make a fool of me.
Because I've seen the show.
I know how it works.
So Cook is saying, that's really weird that they're not treating their gods with respect.
And then so the Hawaiian people, just kind of upset, steal some stuff.
Captain Cook and his men notice it.
They're like, hey, I think this stuff was stolen.
I think they stole it.
We should probably, uh, retaliate.
And Captain Cook goes, oh, no, no, no.
Until you return our stuff and fix our boat, we're gonna take your chief.
And they kidnapped King Kalani'opu'u.
And this is where things take a turn for the worst.
He was saying he's like, all right.
I'm gonna take this guy back to the boat.
Show them how gnarly we can get.
At that point, one of Captain James Cook's men shoots a kid, Kalani'opu'u's nephew, and everyone loses it.
Everyone's just like, what the [bleep]? What's wrong with you? What are you, white? And they start picking up rocks and spears and pummeling Captain Cook and his men.
It's it's like a mosh pit.
Cook is saying, okay, you know what? It's at this moment that I realize that they don't think we're gods.
Clank, Captain Cook gets killed in this situation.
- Couple other James Cook's shipmates - Whoopsie.
Shut the [bleep] up.
I didn't realize how combative this would get.
Deal with it.
And then Kalani'opu'u goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Everyone chill out.
Everyone's like, all right, cool.
He's like, I like this guy.
He messed up.
We all do.
Let's give him a proper Hawaiian burial.
We're gonna burn his body, take some of the bones and keep them for ourselves because, you know, this guy seems to be he has a lot of stuff going on.
But we're gonna give the rest of the body back.
And so they burned the body, and he says, here.
Here's this sack of here's the sack of James Cook.
No hard feelings.
You understood how it all went down.
Have fun back in England.
After that, Hawaii became a port.
It became a place where you have to be accommodating to visitors.
So it's a good place.
It's real beautiful.
Hey, dad, it's Jonah.
_ Dad, what do you think the greatest thing about Hawaii is? _ What do you think the worst thing about Hawaii is? _ Oh, daddy.
The entire unit was celebrated by the president, and I'm pretty [bleep] up.
Oh, man.
No [bleep] way.
So you jump off this? My first jump off anything in Hawaii was off this.
- Were you scared? - I'm scared every time.
Was there anything that you heard - that helped you not be scared? - Go.
Whoo whoo! My body's a little differently shaped than yours.
Aloha! And what are you drinking? I'm drinking tequila, and I'd show you the bottle, but it has no top on it.
I hope you don't mind it being undressed.
- Sorry.
- Oh, you're fine.
Hi, I'm Phil Hendrie, and welcome to Drunk history on Comedy Central.
Tonight, the story of Daniel Inouye.
Daniel Inouye is putting his tie on one beautiful Sunday morning when suddenly his father's in the hallway.
And his dad's like, this is not a drill.
It's not a joke.
Pearl Harbor's been attacked.
We're [bleep].
America's bombed.
Hawaii is bombed.
Pearl Harbor is bombed.
Bang, down he goes into Honolulu, and he was the first guy in line to enlist.
And they came out and said, you can't enlist.
- Inouye's like, why? - Because you're a Jap.
You know, it sucks.
That just blew his [bleep] mind.
He was, what are you talking about? I'm ready to rock and roll on this [bleep], you know.
Why can't Japanese-Americans fight? Well, this was bull [bleep] because not a one of these people had proven themselves to be anything other than loyal [bleep] Americans.
It wasn't until 1943 when finally the 442 was organized.
We are the go for broke Japanese-American unit, the reginal innermint internet the internet regiment team.
Whoo, man.
The 442 infantry regiment United States regiment.
Most of the 442 came from Hawaii.
- What the [bleep] is that? - Well, we're gonna build the scene.
- Let's see if we got - Oh, I see.
- We're gonna hide there.
- What the [bleep] is this? - He's playing a guitar.
Look at this one.
- Oh, yeah.
Is that La Bamba? He'syeah, he's doing a guitar move here, you see? He's just, yeah.
So the fighting in Italy was brutality unchained.
There was mountain fighting.
It was slow, plodding, deadly warfare.
Daniel is a he's a lieutenant, so he's leading a platoon.
It's April of 1945.
The objective, we got to clear these machine gun nests.
What the [bleep], you know.
Let's send these Japanese guys in.
Let's see what they can do, okay? You know, go out, kick ass, take names.
[bleep] them up.
You know, let's go, man.
Inouye leads his platoon up this ridge.
Gradually, he sees his men behind him getting killed.
Inouye by this point says, my men are sitting ducks.
But Inouye is the officer, and he's Daniel Inouye.
He says, okay, [bleep] it.
I got a I got a bag full of grenades.
I'm gonna take another shot.
Daniel Inouye by himself, he kept advancing.
It's like something out of a [bleep] movie.
The guy's throwing grenades and firing a machine gun.
Throwing grenades and firing a machine gun.
Boom, he take out one nest with hand grenades and another nest with small arms firing hand grenades.
And now comes the third machine gun nest.
You don't have to finish that, by the way.
- There's no - Oh, I might as well go ahead and do it to it, yeah.
That's the good that's the baby.
Boom! As he goes to take the third, bang.
He took a bullet through the stomach.
He looked down.
He said, I feel okay, so I'll keep going.
Right at that moment comes a rifle-propelled grenade.
Boom! This arm is now shredded.
When he looked down, he said, there's a [bleep] arm next to me and there's a hand grenade in that mother[bleep].
He says, Jesus H.
I better throw this grenade.
He grabs the grenade, throws it into this machine gun nest here.
And then, boom.
He crawled behind a tree, and he stayed there nine hours.
Finally, by midnight, Inouye was taken downhill.
Guys are coming up to him going, what happened to your arm? - What? - The [bleep] arm is gone.
I don't know which one you're talking about, man.
- The right arm is not there.
- All right, so it's not [bleep] there.
Well, what the [bleep]? Oh, jeez, this guy with the [bleep] arm.
- You love him? - The arm's gone.
It's gone.
I don't know.
You want to go up and look for it, Billy, you can go up and look for it.
But I'm going, and I'm gonna get some chow and then I'm getting my [bleep] ass out of here.
I love how this cat just keeps it together.
I'm [bleep] hammered, man, on this [bleep], and he's all, "yeah, hey, what's up?" After the war, the 442 was the most decorated unit in the history of the American army.
But the prejudice against Japanese-Americans continued.
He said, god damn it, if those mother[bleep] don't believe it yet, we've just proven we're [bleep] patriots, man.
We kicked ass.
We lost our [bleep] arms.
What is going on, you know? [bleep] you.
We need representation of the Japanese-Americans.
And now began Daniel Inouye's career as the very first Japanese-American representative in the United States Congress.
And when Daniel Inouye died, president obama said, Daniel Inouye was an inspiration to me, and without him, I would not be in politics.
- All right, to a true patriot.
- Right on, man.
There's nothing wrong with that, man.
- Nothing.
- Nothing wrong with that.
He overcame the prejudice of this the preju [laughs] You dirty mother[bleep].
I got it.
Now do it.
Ready, up.
All right.
- Looking sharp.
- This is easy.
Just focus on catching the wave.
Be the wave.
Am I the perfect level of drunkenness right now or too drunk? You were thirsty.
How do you feel? I feel pretty drunk, so it's an interesting state of affairs.
Hello, today we're gonna talk about Eddie Aikau.
So November 19, 1967, Waimea Bay is bigger than it's ever been.
Nobody's surfed it this big.
They would just be like, that is uh a death zone.
But Edward Ryan Makuahanai Aikau, and he's like, I'm gonna go.
And then just killing it.
And that day is recorded by everyone.
He's taking off deeper than everybody.
He's riding bigger waves.
He's killing it.
He's overnight, a sensation.
He's on covers of surf magazines.
It's like, Eddie Aikau, Hawaiian hero.
Eddie proves himself in front of the whole world.
Like that was for Hawaii.
This is for every Hawaiian in the entire world.
Most of them are in Hawaii, I understand.
So Waimea Bay, where he made his name, people are dying all the time in Waimea Bay.
But then one person's like, oh, we should have a lifeguard.
And Eddie's like, hey, look at me.
Remember me? Eddie Aikau.
So they make him the first lifeguard at Waimea Bay.
He saves over 500 people.
Well, not a single person dies.
Pumping water out of chests on the sand.
I'm gonna start sweating at a certain point - because I just do as I get excited.
- Do you have your towel ready? - I'm gonna moisted down.
- Yeah.
- I'm getting a little bright.
- Keep it dry.
So now we're in the '70s, and this brings in a new breed of surfer from Australia.
They win a bunch of competitions.
Then they [bleep] get in the press and they insult Hawaiian culture, saying, Hawaiian way of surfing is old.
It's out of date.
We're the future.
We're the future of surfing.
I dated an Australian for two years.
Can't do an Australian accent.
I thank god, because I'd do it all the time.
The Hawaiians are reasonable people, but they have been pushed to the point.
So the Australians get beat up a few times.
Probably made them better people.
At a certain point, they've gotten beat up so much that they're, like, holed up in their room.
There's a knock on the door.
Knock, knock, knock.
And they're just like, oh, no.
So they grab a bunch of tennis rackets.
Rabbit grabs the doorknob and he turns it like, what's gonna happen? He opens it up, and it's Eddie.
And he's like, hey.
I don't have a tennis racket.
Please put those away.
Also, why do you have so many? Let's talk about this.
So Eddie walks them to a hotel with a conference room.
And Eddie's like, what you're doing right now has been happening on these islands for so long, where white people are just saying, like, Hawaiians, your culture's not real.
It's all bull[bleep].
We recognize you surf well, but you're being a [bleep] dick.
All of you are a group of penises sitting here.
After a while, the Australians are like, we don't want to be dicks.
We want to be cool surfer dudes.
We're so sorry.
Do you know they say "wide on" for a female boner? That's an Australian term.
As opposed to a hard on, it's a wide on.
Don't you make me explain this more.
This inspires, I think, in Eddie a belief that, like, I have to show the world that Hawaiians are super sweet, and the way we're gonna prove it is that we're gonna sail from Hawaii to Tahiti only by the stars.
And so they leave.
Six hours in, it's a storm.
So I can just go, and it's like I'm still here.
And it says, keep it dry because I sweat a lot, so I made these up.
So they set sail, but they set sail in just bad weather.
The storm hits them hard.
They get flipped over.
The captain was just like, oh, no.
I don't want to tell you we're all gonna die.
But the probability of we're all gonna die is pretty high.
Eddie says, I'm just doing it.
Eddie takes off his life jacket.
And he's like, I'm gonna go.
I'll get help.
I'll tell you I'll tell them where you are.
He gets on his board, starts to paddle towards Lanai.
Then a few hours later, the people on the boat see a airplane, and so they fire the flare, and that is how everyone gets rescued.
And the Aikau family are on the shore waiting, and there's no Eddie.
And there's no Eddie.
And then the captain has to tell the Aikau family that Eddie went he went he went to save them.
He died saving these people.
They've never found Eddie's body.
But Quiksilver started a surf competition called the Eddie.
The first Eddie competition that's ever held.
It's big waves, but it's also just [bleep] up gnarly waves.
And everybody's sitting there.
There was hemming and hawing.
Well, I don't know, maybe we shouldn't.
Maybe we should.
Mark Foo, legendary big wave surfer, he says, Eddie would go.
And everybody is like, [bleep] man.
Yeah, Eddie would go.
And so that becomes a thing.
Eddie would go, and it means Eddie would go on the biggest wave.
He would go save you, and he would go.
Because if you attempt life, you might die, but you'll live on, - and Eddie has.
- Wow.
I mean, I know I have to wake up at Oh, it's only 11:30.
Let's have another drink.