Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Sports Heroes

Jim Thorpe was then like, I think I am gonna work harder.
And I'm gonna be your mother[bleep].
After Babe won the Olympics, Amelia Earhart's like, Hey, you want to get in my plane and disappear, and she's like, no, but I'll take a picture with you.
Everybody in the place is like, boo! We are Cuban.
What Jim Abbott said was, oh, that's nice that you're Cuban.
I don't give a [bleep].
2x09 - Sports Heroes For me, the perfect sports hero it's not just their game.
It's them.
They're a person.
Break the expectation.
That's what makes a sports hero, who says, [bleep] that.
I'm doing it anyway.
If your team isn't winning, you're miserable.
You know you feel a connection to your home team.
Well, in Baltimore, we got an old saying.
- What's that? - [bleep] the Yankees.
- [bleep] hate the Yankees.
- Come on, man.
Come on.
Hey, guy, come on.
Let's go there, man.
We're getting loose.
Let's do this.
[bleep] Let's capture magic.
We're with you.
Hello, today we're gonna talk about Jim Thorpe.
Jim Thorpe was a native-American.
He entered Carlisle High School in 1907.
He was the best at football.
The best.
His coach, Pop Warner, was saying, You know, you could be an olympian, And so he starts realizing that, and he's like, I think I am gonna work harder than you've ever seen anyone work, and I'm gonna be your mother[bleep].
So he starts training for this new event, The decathlon.
Uh So how did he prepare? - How did who prepare? - Jim Thorpe.
For the Olympics? He would wake up in the morning and run 20 miles, take a nap, eat a mild lunch, and then run every [bleep] event in the decathlon.
That is crazy.
That is that is cr-azy.
know, Stockholm, Sweden.
This is the Olympics.
This is this is the best of the world.
This Avery Brundage guy, is was the favorite.
He was a white guy, and he's like, I'm gonna be the man, the dude.
And Jim Thorpe walked in out of nowhere.
People were like, what the [bleep]? Like, how is he there? He's there, and after the first day, Jim Thorpe has the point lead, and Avery is like, what the [bleep]? Who is this guy from? Who is he? All of a sudden, this Indian is in the lead.
Avery Brundage is the favorite.
I mean, it's been in the papers.
It's been in in in everything.
Well, the next day, we wake up, and Jim Thorpe walked in, and his shoes were gone.
And he's like, where are my shoes? Somebody took my shoes, man.
And nobody answers.
Nobody answers.
Nobody takes responsibility for the actions, but his shoes are gone, man.
Everyone pointed the finger at Avery Brundage, but Jim says, well, guess what, you know? If I can't find my original clothes, I'm gonna be resourceful.
I'm gonna not give up, 'cause I've trained so hard, and I'm gonna compete, and guess what.
I'm gonna whup ass.
So he finds two random shoes from the trash and competes.
Day two is 110 meters hurdles.
So we're jumping.
Discus throw foom.
Pole vault.
Javelin throw voom.
And then 1,500 meters.
Despite having shoes that he found in the garbage, Jim Thorpe won the gold medal for the decathlon and pentathlon.
What he did was unbelievable.
It he was like, I've done everything that I could do.
I've done ever-y-thing.
I'm talkin' about ever-y-thing.
I'm talking about Ever-y-thing.
I've done everything.
The King of Sweden, he came up to him and he shook his hand, and he said, Jim, you are the best athlete in the world.
And Jim said thanks.
That's what his response was, just "thanks.
" He didn't know what else to say, 'cause he'd trained so hard.
He was a international hero, and in New York, he had a parade on Broadway Street.
Years later, he played professional basketball, professional baseball, professional football.
Jim Thorpe, college football hall of fame, pro football hall of fame, track hall of fame, Olympic hall of fame.
And then in 1999, congress gets involved, and they say, guess what.
Giddy up.
Who's the greatest athlete of the 20th century? Period.
Jim Thorpe competed in That has never been matched and will never, ever be matched again.
I can do all those if y'all want to see them.
I think that's a good idea.
- How drunk do you feel? - Out of one to ten? Six.
How comfortable do you feel doing a hurdle? Six.
I'm gonna say one, a-two, a-one, two, three.
And then do I go on three or right after? No, I'm gonna go one, two, a-one, two.
We're gonna go on three.
- And we'll go on three.
- Ready? A-one, two, a-one, two, three.
- I think I'm bleeding.
- No, you're not.
So, yeah, I want to get suited up.
How do you get suited up? 'Cause I put these shoulder pads on.
- Safety is everything, - Okay.
because you got big linebackers like myself coming to kill you.
- Get it, get it, get it.
- Find the hole.
Find the hole.
- Does this look normal? - Um, we can work with it.
Not to brag, Terrell, this is a youth extra large.
Run deep.
We're gonna throw you some ball.
Hey! Kid's a natural.
Nobody really does touchdown dances anymore.
No, don't do that.
That's a penalty.
You can't take your helmet off.
There we go.
Go get it.
Oh, my god.
Y'all getting this? Pretty good.
That's pretty legal.
- That's good right there.
- Suck it! Suck that [bleep].
- That's a flag.
- I can't yell - And time.
- Play like a raven.
- Play like a raven.
- Yeah.
I could see a movie where, like, babies die, and I don't cry, But if I watch, like, Hoosiers, then I start bawling, you know? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Hey, what's up? Today we're gonna talk about Babe Didrikson Zaharias.
Okay, this is a woman.
Her name is Babe Didrikson.
So Babe, when she was like 12, a kid, like, called her a tomboy or something, and she, like, punched him in the face.
And the teacher was like, [bleep] it.
Like, I'm gonna let you play with the other boys if you're gonna, like, start punching people.
So she started playing everything, playing basketball, playing baseball.
She was diving.
She knew that she was, like, gifted, and so she actually said, I'm gonna be the greatest athlete of all time.
Like, she's actually stated that, like, so there's that.
So her dad is, like, into her being into sports.
He was like, I will build you, like, this weight lifting machine so you can, like, get, like, big like a man.
And so when she was old enough, she starts, like, lifting weights, practicing track and field, and she's like, I'm gonna be an Olympic athlete.
- So Babe gets into the Olympics.
- Yeah, that's pretty cool.
She gets into the Olympics.
She kicks ass.
Gets a world record in javelin, wins in hurdles.
She wins two golds and one silver.
Becomes, like, world-famous.
Babe Ruth's like, hang out with me, and she's like, okay.
Amelia Earhart's like, hey, you want to get in my plane and disappear? And she's like, no, but I'll take a picture with you.
Babe has this, like, fame, and she's achieved this status, but for women, like, there's not much to do in professional sports, so Babe is a little bummed.
She's like, why don't I get into, um, uh, some like Vaudeville [bleep]? And like, the Amazing Amazon 'cause that's what they called her like, wonder girl, the terrific tomboy.
They would have her, like, ride up on a donkey on the stage and, like, shoot baskets, and, like, flex.
I don't really know what the show was, but I guess back then, that was, like, a very exciting thing.
But she was like, I I don't want to do this anymore.
I really just want to be outside and in the sports arena.
I said this [bleep] about being this great athlete.
Like I what am I gonna do? Hmm, what can I do? Bingo, golf, she says to herself.
Nobody was listening.
- Who was she talking to? - She She was talking to herself.
So she, like, picks up a golf club and starts hitting balls.
And she's like, okay, I'm I like this.
She starts practicing ten hours a day.
Then Babe is like, there aren't any tournaments for professional women.
What the [bleep] do I do? And then her dad is like, this is you're depressing me, and, like, I this is bull[bleep].
So then she has a great idea.
I'm gonna I'm gonna, uh, uh get in a men's tournament.
Her dad is like, that's a great idea.
So she enters a dude's tournament.
It's controversial.
Reporters really, like, bagged on her.
Like, it would be much better if her ilk stayed at home, prettied themselves up, and waited for the phone to ring.
But Babe doesn't give a [bleep].
She hit this, like, 250-yard drive.
People are asking her like, Babe, like, how do you hit 250 yards? And she's like, I just loosened my girdle and let her rip.
At this point, Babe is married, but she meets this woman Betty Dodd.
Betty was like, you're my idol.
I think you're the greatest athlete.
And Babe is like, I said that once.
You're my lady.
And so Betty becomes, like, her lesbian lover, and Betty was like, you're an awesome golfer.
Like, you should definitely be playing.
Just shut the [bleep] up.
Like, listen to me, Babe.
Babe's like, I didn't say anything, But why can't there be a professional league for women? And she's like, that's the best idea I've ever heard.
So she decides to do it.
She, like, goes and talks to all her ladies.
She's like, the LPGA.
L stands for ladies.
It's pretty genius.
Who's with me? And 13 ladies do it.
And they start a professional league.
She starts winning like crazy.
She wins 14 tournaments in a row, which is, like, unheard of.
She just wins, wins, wins.
She's like, I'm Babe.
I'm gonna who's finishing second or whatever? I'm Babe.
Suck my [bleep].
Things are going great.
Women are into her, not sexually, but yes, but not.
She's at the top of her game, and she finds out that she has cancer, which is [bleep] awful.
So she Is like, I'm at the top of my game.
Like, [bleep] it.
You have to have some, like, serious game to do that.
She missed competition, right? Yeah, but Babe was gonna come back.
So she has the surgery.
A year later, she comes back pretty strong, and she goes back out on the golf course.
Betty is by her side.
She totally, like, blows everyone away, And she wins the U.
- Go in - Oh! Yeah! - Shot, shot.
- Oh! Yay! The whole press says that she was the best, like, athlete to Like the female athlete to ever, like, walk this Earth.
- And that's what she wanted.
- That's what she wanted.
- The greatest in the universe.
- That includes space.
That was awesome.
- Great job.
- All right.
Well, see you later.
Welcome back to Drunk History, sports heroes.
Oh, come on.
Oh, I drank wine? I drank all this apparently.
Hello, today we're going to talk about the baseball pitcher Jim Abbott.
- Cheers, Matt Jones.
- Cheers.
So Jim Abbott was born in 1967, But he didn't have a right hand.
And so when he was, like, five or six, Jim was like, I want to play sports.
Jim's dad, Mike, is like, you should maybe think about soccer.
Soccer is a European sport with feet.
You don't have to use your hands.
Actually the only rule in soccer is don't use your hands.
And Jim's like, no, I'm not a [bleep] European.
I'm an American.
I want to play baseball.
His parents loved him.
They were like, even though you can't do any everything, dream anything.
There he had to develop his own method to play baseball.
He used to practice against the wall in his backyard, and then he would go closer and closer and closer as he got older until he was right up against the wall And catching it like that.
In his first little league game ever, he pitched a no-hitter.
He pitched a nine inning game, and no one gets a hit.
So then after he had the no-hitter, years later, word got out to the high school coaches, and they were like, he can throw a ball, sure, but what if someone hits a ball to him? And as soon as he said that, Jim was like, you want to see this [bleep]? Pitch! Someone hit a hard grounder straight at Jim Abbott.
Catch! Hand out of glove, throw, out at first base, all within, like, a half a second.
So fast.
And the high school coach was like, oh, never mind.
You just answered my question.
Put him on my team.
I'm an asshole.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Wine is the devil! Okay, where are we at? Oh, I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Throughout his high school career, he pitched four no-hitters, including a perfect game.
So he gets his education, plays for the University of Michigan, the Wolverines.
When he got there, there was so much press there.
After the two bad games, people were like, ah, he sucks.
This is a publicity stunt.
This guy is not a real pitcher.
They're just trying to be nice to a kid with a handicap.
And all of the press left.
Hank, come on.
Come in here and lay down.
Once they left, he started pitching amazing.
Lay down.
Lay down, fat [bleep] banana.
He was not only a good pitcher, but he was a good batter who would hit home runs.
They win over and over.
He's like, I throw this [bleep] 90 miles an hour.
In the '80s, the year 1980s, not in the 80s of speedball.
- Oh, Jesus, I got to start that again.
- No, you're fine.
So I'm gonna throw the ball in the 80s miles per hour - in the 1990s, which is very impressive.
- You switched 'em up.
- So I'm Jim Abbott.
- Right.
I'm throwing the ball in the 90s in the 1980s.
Very impressive.
Come on.
- Jim Abbott and Costello.
- Yeah, Jim Abbott.
He was playing baseball like he said he would, and They were, like, putting together the national team, and they were like, I don't know if he can do it, but it's good P.
Let's do it.
They put him on the national team.
Okay, Matty, I brought a glove, and I would love for you and I to just, like, try to do the Jim Abbott out there.
- Okay.
- Is that cool with you? Yeah, great.
- Okay, ready? So I caught it.
- Yeah.
Pull it off, run.
Let's try to get three in a row, no dropees.
- Got it.
- One, two.
One, two, three.
- Oh, Jesus.
- I love that.
Um But, yeah, so do you remember what you were saying? No, I don't.
So he gets put on the national team, and the national team take him down to the Pan American Games, and the biggest superpower in the Pan American Games is Cuba, Fidel Castro's Cuba, Because Fidel loves Communism and he loves baseball.
Those are a couple things he loves.
There is a huge separation between the American and Cuban regime.
Jim Abbott walks out and starts for America, and everybody in the place is like, boo! We are Cuban, the greatest baseball players in the world.
How can you possibly think you can beat us? Americans with two hands can't beat us.
He was like, oh, that's nice that you're Cuban.
I don't give a [bleep].
His performance in the Pan American Cuba Games was so remarkable that by the end of the game, 50,000 Cubans they gave him a standing ovation when he left the field.
There were no Americans in the stand, because they were not allowed in Cuba.
And, like, Fidel Castro came down, shook his hand and was like, nice.
That was a big deal, telling an American player "nice.
" And he went on to play for, like, ten years in the Major Leagues.
Every step of the way, high school, college, the majors, people said, can you do it? He was such a positive person.
He would say stuff like, everyone has disabilities.
Mine are just more visible.
It makes everybody feel that they're in his camp.
It's incredible.
I respect that [bleep].
Look at your limitations and say, [bleep] you, limitations.
I'm gonna do whatever I want.
- And that's the American dream.
- Wow.
Um, what else do you want to talk about?