Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - First Ladies

Grover Cleveland was like, Frances is, like, gonna be the main bitch.
Wait, what was I saying? Edith [Bleep] Wilson was like, sit down.
I am in charge now.
Can I get my cheesy bread I brought? - Your what? - Cheesy bread that I brought! When the British arrive, Dolley Madison was like I'm just gonna be checking this [Bleep] out, and I'm gonna take care of everything.
2x10 - First Ladies A first lady is pretty much she is well, obviously she is the wife of the president, but she's around to to kind of, like whatever hold on.
Let me think.
- First ladies? - Yeah.
- Mm.
- A first lady is a female ambassador to the United States of America.
Without a first lady, America would be [Bleep].
Behind every good man is a ride-or-die kind of bitch, and America would not thrive without a ride-or-die kind of bitch.
- You know what I'm saying? - First ladies.
I'm nose-greasing this beer 'cause I cannot deal with this foam.
I've never heard "nose-greasing.
" - What? - I've never heard that term.
Okay, so you, like, - take the side of your face - Okay.
- there's always grease on your face.
- Of course, I have a greasy face.
Okay, so then you take it, and you just, like, kind of - Then I have grease in my drink.
- Yeah, which is, like means you can drink it sooner.
Today we're talking about Frances Cleveland, wife of Grover Cleveland.
So, like, basically Grover Cleveland gets elected president, and he was just, like, a fat, lonely man living alone in that white house, and he was like, okay, I'm in a very unique situation.
I'm not married, and, like, I need a chick that's going to, like, be the first lady.
Rose Cleveland, Grover's lesbian sister was like, let's invite the Emma Folsom lady to a white house something.
So, like, Emma went to the white house, and everyone was like, I think he's gonna marry Emma Folsom.
Like, that's going to be the way this shakes down.
But then, you know groves like, kind of saw Emma's daughter Frances, this, like, beautiful 21-year-old girl, and he was like, how can I hit that? Like, it was romantic, and, like, he wound up being like, let's just you and me take a little tour of this white house situation.
So, like, he took her out to, like, some balcony that's all like [Bleep] romantic or whatever, and he was just like, look at this.
Like, look at this.
He's like, I live in the most expensive house in America.
It's [Bleep] fabulous.
So, like, she like, looked at it and was like, this is fabulous.
I could maybe see myself being the first lady.
But then Emma Folsom saw that, like, Grover was jocking on her daughter Frances.
Like, she was like, okay, like, I think you're about to get with the guy that I like, which is, like, bogus.
You just, like, get out of the country.
So she sends her to Europe for, like, one year after her graduation, but unbeknownst to her own damn self, Grover Cleveland wrote Frances, like, a letter, and was like, let's get married, and Frances, like, wrote back, like, yes, I will marry you.
Like, it was one of those, like it was like a Khloe and Lamar sort of nine-day wedding situation where they, like, very quickly announced their engagement.
Grover was like, Frances is, like, gonna be the main bitch.
The press freaked out.
So, like, Grover was like, okay.
Well, I will be fully committed to a certain woman, I will be fully committed to a woman that's my husband wife.
Wait, what was I saying? I didn't eat today.
That's so bad.
- We need to get some food in you.
- Okay, wait.
Let's see you.
Oh, honey.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
One, place "frogen" nuggets.
Thank you, thank you.
- What do you think? - Killing it.
So, like, they did that, and the press was, like, hounding.
Like, this was the first time that some president, like, married a girl while he was in the white house.
She was kind of like an it girl.
Like, every time she was on a magazine cover, they would move mad units.
It's like her image was really exploited, and people were putting her everywhere and everything from, like, household cleaning products to, like, small personal items.
Like, pill boxes, wooden things, because they felt that, like, yeah, this girl will sell [Bleep], but she was like, whatever.
You guys can, like, bastardize me and turn me into all of these different commercial products, but, like, actually I'm a college-educated woman.
I'm put together, and, like, people are interested in me in a way that they haven't been interested in other first ladies, and I'm gonna, like, blow that up.
Like, if everyone's gonna be paying attention to me, let's make sure they're paying attention to me for the right reasons.
And by the way, I would like to be called Frank.
I mean, you can call me Frances or you can call me Frank, but mostly Frank.
That's pretty cool a girl saying she wants to be called Frank.
I mean, that's the thing is, like, she was a down-ass bitch.
Like, she's like, every single Saturday, I'm going to meet with the working women of Washington, and there would be lines forming outside of the white house.
And Frances Cleveland, like, saw two young girls eating out of out of a dumpster one day.
She's like, that's not right.
Like, this is not right.
And so she started a charity called, like, the Home for friendless colored girls.
I'm gonna say, like, that's a brutal name for a charity.
Can you be quiet? Wait one second.
Okay, that's good.
But she had all this [Bleep] going on.
So, like, Grover was like, I don't want my wife especially a woman shouldn't bother their head with politics.
But, like, especially my wife should not be bothering her head with politics.
Like, she Oh, hold on.
Where's my lighter? Thank you.
She was the one that said like, yeah, okay.
Like, yeah, okay, Groves.
Like, you're, like you're telling me that I can't have a political opinion or you're telling me whatever, but, like, [Bleep] It.
These are my girls.
Like, I'm gonna have these people, I'm gonna shake all of their hands, I'm gonna hear their thoughts, I'm gonna hear their voices.
And she went out of her way to support women.
Like, she was so charitable, and she never stopped.
And on her very last day in the white house, came out to meet her, and she was like, thanks so much.
She's great.
I usually honestly, I'm in love with her.
Like, I think she's the greatest first lady ever.
- Cheers to day-drinking.
- Day-drinking.
Edith Wilson was the first female president.
She was like, I'm just gonna [Bleep] make the deci Make the decisions myself.
Do you have a favorite first lady? I think Michelle Obama really gets my vote because she's got really toned arms.
To me, when I think of a first lady, I always think of Jackie O.
- I love Hillary Clinton.
- Lady bird Johnson.
She was beautiful and fashionable.
I like the poise and the charisma of Eleanor Roosevelt.
Talk about a bitch that could serve some face.
I might throw up.
- You think? - Well, no.
I actually didn't even drink that much.
Just two bottles, but then before I came, I had three drinks.
Today we're gonna talk about Edith Wilson, the first female President of the United States.
Woodrow Wilson was the president of of America.
The United States of America.
Edith [Bleep] Wilson was the goddamn president's wife.
So Woodrow Wilson, he had and he has a [Bleep] stroke.
His doctor was like, uh, Woodrow Wilson has had a stroke, a big stroke.
Like, we can't move, y'all, stroke.
So what you gon' do? And Edith was like, well, who I love is this man.
for who he is, and who he is is a guy who wants to be president for some [Bleep] reason.
So if I don't just ignore that.
If I don't just ignore that.
If I don't help him be president, what a kind of wife am I? The doctor's like, uh you got to run the [bleep] country 'cause this guy's out for the count.
So Edith was like, no problem.
I got this.
Shut up.
Sit down.
I am in charge now.
Can I get my cheesy bread I brought? - Your what? - Cheesy bread that I brought.
- Can we finish this part? - What part? - The part that we want to do.
- My cheesy bread.
- We're still doing it.
- All right.
Well I don't want the bread anymore.
So Edith Wilson told America, hey, guys.
Excuse me.
My husband, the President he's very tired, and he will be resting.
He's very tired, so he needs to rest.
And she even went to Congress and was like, hey, no big deal.
I'm giving him everything you're saying, Congress.
I'm giving him all the letters and other things.
So, what do you guys think of this rule or a law or thing that we're working on? And they'd be like, whatever, we think this.
And then she'd bring it to Woodrow who was like, half awake, and she'd be like, all right.
Well, Congress is like, blah, blah, blah.
And he'd be like And she was like, well, I guess I'll compromise.
I'm just gonna [Bleep] make the deci Make the decisions myself.
So basically, Edith Wilson was the first female president.
She ran memos between Congress and him.
Congress is like, all right.
What? What? What is going on? So Congress picked this one republican senator, Albert Fall.
They're like, Albert, go see what his true condition is.
Go see what Wilson's true condition is.
So Albert Fall shows up.
He's like, can we come in and see the true condition? She's not [Bleep] stupid.
She's like yeah, sure.
Come on in.
So Albert Fall comes in.
It was like, yep, he's not this is him.
Making decisions every day, and not I take the thank you, honey.
And I take the the papers from him that I don't understand 'cause I'm just some dumb broad.
And Edith just propped up Woodrow in bed.
Like, waving, like hey.
And they're like, oh, okay.
And she's like, bye.
And then they leave.
That's how dumb government is.
We had a woman [Bleep] running this country, and guess what? You could go, nothing good happened, but I can go, nothing bad happened.
Disneyland with Johnny Depp at the ani the ho the haunted mansion that's all Tim Burton that didn't happen on her watch.
Christmas and Halloween combined, a lot of things Basically everyone at this point is like, where is the president? Where is our boss? Who ever in the name of God is like, "our boss is missing.
We can't wait to get him back"? Nobody! Nobody wants to see they boss.
Ow! Ow.
So she literally is like, I can feel the heat on me.
I know what I'll do.
I'll set up a photoshoot, 'cause they can sense America breathing down their neck, and they prop up Woodrow Wilson in the oval office.
So he's, like, sitting there, and they, like, move his arm, and then they just release that to the press, and that's how dumb people were back then.
They're like, oh, there's the president sitting there signing a document.
What the heck were we worried about? He seems to be all at work and [Bleep].
So, that's all fine.
That's how she ran the country.
- That's a good story.
- This is our - Can I just get back up? - Watch your head.
- Huh? - Can I just get back up? - Yeah.
- But it's not on the show.
- What? - Anything.
When does it start filming? British ass[Bleep] [Bleep] the white house up.
Washington is like L.
riots times ten.
I don't know what that means.
I don't either.
Have you ever heard of Dolley Madison? No.
I just thought of Dolly Parton.
And I just envisioned her as the first lady, and that was funny.
I'm Jenny Johnson, and we're about to talk about first lady Dolley Madison, so buckle up.
All right.
Or something.
So Dolley Madison was the wife to the president of the United States, James Madison.
Dolley smoked, Dolley drank, Dolley dipped snuff.
Dolley was a big party monster, and everyone loves her.
At the time, the white house was under construction, so Dolley jumps in with this architect, and she starts getting drapes, and she starts getting paintings, and she makes the white house, like, awesome.
- I'm gonna take a drink now.
- Yeah.
- Do it.
- Mm-hmm.
And I put my pinky out so you know I'm a lady.
- I thought that's what you were doing.
- Mm-hmm.
But then the war of 1812 happens, so when Britain when they arrived on the shores, this British guys show up, and they're like, awesome.
Like, no one's here.
So we'll just drop anchor and start trashing the place.
While Dolley and James were in the white house, they get word that holy [Bleep], these guys have landed, and they're heading this way.
So James Madison's like, you know what? I'm gonna get on a horse, and I'm gonna go there, and I'm gonna be like, guess what? Knock, knock.
President's here.
And she's like, okay, see you for dinner.
James leaves.
She stays in the white house while everybody else in Washington is kind of being pussies and leaving.
And she's like holy [Bleep].
James just left on a horse, and this [Bleep]'s going down.
Like, I can hear cannons going off.
I can hear this [Bleep] happening.
So Dolley was like, to show Washington that I'm not leaving everyone else can be pussies and they can leave I've got my spyglass, and I'm just gonna be checking this [Bleep] out, and I'm gonna take care of everything.
Until this guy knocks on the door and he's like, everything's gone to [Bleep].
The hundred guys that were securing the white house, they they're gone, 'cause they're pussies.
You got to get the [Bleep] out.
British ass[Bleep] are about to come take a giant dump on Washington, and they're gonna [Bleep] the white house up.
But then she's like, I got to pack my [Bleep].
She started taking the red velvet curtains, silver serving dishes, and all the China from the white house, but then she's like, there's this beautiful portrait of George Washington.
I'm not gonna leave that.
She tells the servants, get that portrait out of there.
And they took the portrait out, and one of guys was like, okay, I'll just, like, roll it up.
And she's like, no, guys.
We're not rolling it up.
You know, like, this is not you know, it's not a Jimi Hendrix poster.
The British arrive.
You know, they're just like, burn this [Bleep] down.
Like, burn the [Bleep] out of it.
Y'all smile and wave at me real quick.
Okay, I got to instagram this [Bleep].
She leaves, but then she's like, oh, snap.
Declaration of independence.
So she takes that.
I mean, in, like, just enough time to get out.
So they trash Washington.
You know, they're just they're just really being ass[Bleep].
So Dolley Madison takes all the important things that meant something to this country before she left.
So post-all of this terrible, you know, burning up [Bleep], all these people in Congress were like, Washington is like L.
riots times ten.
- Why don't we just move to Philadelphia? - Let's take a vote.
And James Madison was like, great.
This sucks.
Everyone hates me and thinks that this war was my fault.
And Dolley was like, I know, but what we need to do is convince these idiots that they can't be voting this way just because they're scared.
And throw some parties, 'cause you know what I do best? Party.
And I'm gonna pour that in there.
- Ooh.
- Oop.
And then that is the most lady-like drink - you will ever have in your life.
- And cheers to Dolley.
To Dolley Madison, y'all.
So she would have these parties at the octagon house, this, like, tricked-out brick place.
She would work the room, like, you know what? I realize that everyone wants to get out of Washington because it's burned to [Bleep].
It's not like that.
Like, you're voting for stupid [Bleep].
Don't remove us from Washington.
The white house is a symbol of this you know, what we what we are.
Cheers, guys.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Everybody, cheers.
After four months of partying, they looked at Dolley and they're like, you know what, Dolley? We just partied for four months, and you convinced us.
This is where the white house is gonna be Washington.
And one day, maybe Abraham Lincoln we don't know who he is at this point, but he is gonna do stuff, and they decided that at Dolley Madison's party.
So Dolley rocked the [Bleep] out of America, and Dolley Madison was truly our first first lady, and people just, like, fell in love with that term, and after that every wife of a president was known as the first lady.
So today, in the white house, where that portrait that Dolley saved of George Washington hangs, looking directly on to it is a portrait of Dolley Madison.
She's looking out for G.
You know what? That's pretty awesome.
And, uh, yeah, that's why Dolley rips rips this [Bleep] up.
I don't know what that means.
- I don't either.
- Okay.