Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Games

_ _ Milton Bradley's like, hey, everybody, I got this new game.
It's, like, American.
It's, like, [bleep] cool.
Ugh! We're gonna ban [bleep] pinball, dude.
Because pinball is a game of chance.
Jeez.
Bobby Fischer would be like, bup, zow, poosh! It's like, blaaah! We've been playing games as long as we've been telling stories, and even before we were writing like, writing, literally scrawling things we were playing games.
You can kind of escape when you play the game.
You're in that world.
You're not in your world.
- How many E3s is this for you? - First E3.
Virgin.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
This place kinda gives me a panic attack.
Are you drunk right now? No, I just God just made me look like this.
Let the games begin! The name of the game is Water or Vodka Is it water or is it vodka? - Okay, three red.
- Three.
That was vodka.
Now you spin.
I don't.
Bum-bum-bum-bum - 16 red.
- There it is.
You can't not tell! - Hmm? - You have to say! - What? - Which one are you drinking? That one.
I'm so mad at you! I hate you.
- Nice to see you.
- Ugh! Hello, today we're gonna talk about Milton Bradley.
All right, so it's 1860, and this 24-year-old guy named Milton Bradley has this lithography business, and his lithograph that he's selling is of Abraham Lincoln.
But at this time, Abraham Lincoln doesn't have a beard.
He's a shaved beast.
And Milton Bradley's like, this is a good one to make, 'cause people will want it.
So they're selling like hotcakes.
Everyone loves 'em.
And then this little girl, Grace Bedell, writes to Abraham Lincoln and she says, if I were a woman, I would vote for Wait, no, she says, if I were a man, I would vote for you.
But I'm a girl, and what you need to do is you need to grow a beard, because women love whiskers.
So, if women tell their husband that they like you, to vote for you, you'll get more votes if you have a beard.
So Abraham, like, gets this letter, and he's like, notice anything different about me? I got a beard, baby.
Isn't that cute? So everyone in the whole country gets newspapers with drawings of Lincoln, and he's got a beard.
And they're like, I bought this lithograph for, like, a bunch of money, and it's a joke now because he's got a blank face, he's got a shaved face.
And Milton Bradley's like, I've spent all my ink on all these garbage lithographs.
So he burns them all, and he's completely done for.
So he's like, I have this lithograph machine.
It's, like, this big hunk of junk.
I don't even have a good picture to print.
What am I gonna do? So he goes to hang out with his best friend, George Tapley, and they're playing this, like, Puritan game.
It's, like, really boring.
So he realized during the game, I could make a game better than this.
I could come up with a game that people who aren't all Puritan-minded would enjoy, and he calls his game The Checkered Game of Life.
The Checkered Game of Life! And George was like, a new game to play.
Like, they didn't have anything else to entertain themselves, you know? And Milton Bradley's like, every other square has, like, a thing on it.
You know, and the goal is to reach the ripe old age of 50.
And the not goal is to reach ruin and have complete destruction in your life.
- And in the middle, there was suicide.
- Well, good night.
So, he goes to New York with the game, and he's like, hey, everybody, I got this new game.
It's, like, American.
It's not just Puritan.
It's, like, [bleep] cool.
And everyone's buying it.
He sells 40,000 copies in one weekend.
And then he's dumb because The Civil War happened, like, the next day.
Everyone's like, we're only doing war.
We don't We don't play games.
And then because he's so smart, Milton Bradley's like, soldiers have a lot of downtime.
I'm gonna make these games really tiny so soldiers can have them in their pocket, and then the second they're bored, they can play it.
And so he takes the game, and he squishes it into, like, small.
And on this board, you can play checkers and chess and backgammon and The Checkered Game of Life.
And all these charities were like, we're gonna buy these for a dollar, and we're gonna give them to soldiers, and the soldiers will have something to do.
And all the soldiers were like, this is so cool, like someone thought of us.
And they would play the game in their downtime.
That must have been nice.
It was really fun for them, and they were like, we're so happy we have a thing to do.
It's not just look at each other while we wait to shoot somebody.
Milton Bradley's like, yes, I came up with a cool idea again.
Everyone likes it.
And so the war ends, and everyone was like, we have time now, we can play games.
We want more games.
So, he starts printing out The Checkered Game of Life.
And he made other games, and he was selling them, and they were really popular.
And then Milton Bradley started the Milton Bradley Company, and they make all the games.
I mean, like, Candyland, Jenga, Guess Who?, Battleship, Twister.
And board games are still 18x18 inches, because that's the size of the cardboard that fit into the lithograph machine, and we're all comfortable with it.
And 100%, none of it would have happened if Abraham Lincoln didn't grow a beard.
- Now is this where your mind explodes? - Yeah.
I lost my virginity on a Twister mat.
- Penis, blue.
- Vagina, yellow.
Makes green.
Yeah, pinball was illegal, but Roger Sharpe, he's one of the best in the world.
He's like, I will show you mother[bleep] that this is a game of skill.
I'm [bleep] up.
- Let's do a shot, right? - All right, let's cheers to We haven't been drunk together in a long time.
This is very nice.
What the [bleep]? - Come on, man! - That's what makes a good friend.
How many people can I just slap in the face? Ugh.
Yeah, that's what makes a good friend for Derek.
How many of his friends can he slap in the face? Only one.
Really? Well, that makes me feel good.
Hello.
Today we're gonna talk about the prohibition of pinball.
Cheers.
So, 1942, Fiorello Henry La Guardia, Mayor of New York, goes, you know what, this pinball thing is evil.
We're gonna ban [bleep] pinball, dude.
Not gonna ball around.
You know, just it's a game.
- We're gonna ban it.
- Why pinball? Because pinball is a game of chance.
- It's a [bleep] game, dude! - Yeah.
All right, so, the New York police start raiding restaurants.
Oh, you got a pinball machine here.
So, it's okay if we [ bleep] it up.
The New York Police Department confiscated the pinball machines.
La Guardia smashed them, and then pushed them into the Hudson River.
A lot of smaller cities around America would follow what New York did.
So all around America, yeah, pinball is illegal.
Cut to decades later in the early '70s, there's this guy Roger Sharpe.
Roger Sharpe is this writer.
But what he does in his off time is he plays pinball.
But he has to do it, like, under the radar, because pinball is still illegal.
You know, Roger Sharpe.
he's one of the best in the world.
He's like, hey, I'm good at this.
I know how to make this pinball move, and it's not chance, it's not gambling.
So, in the mist in the in the midst - in the midst mist mist - Mid Midst.
Is there a D in there? - Midst, right? - Mm-hmm.
- I'm serious.
Midst? - Mm-hmm.
In the midst of all this, The American Music & Amusement Association, which is kind of like The Pinball Manufacturers of America, was like, all right, look, pinball was declared illegal, right? That's crazy.
That's [bleep] crazy.
We have to do something.
We have to save our industry.
Jeez.
So, the American Music & Music Association call Roger Sharpe and they're like, hey, we're [bleep] here.
You've gotta help us out.
And he goes, okay, I gotta do what I gotta do.
So, they bring Roger Sharpe in front of the New York City Council to try to get pinball legalized.
The news media is there.
This is a big deal.
This is 1976.
I'm [bleep] up.
So there's kinda like this moment where he's like, you know what, look, if I'm good enough at pinball, I can succeed at pinball.
I'm not just this isn't just gambling.
This is like, you know, I'm having fun.
This is This is a game of skill.
Does that make sense? - Jeez.
- All right, so Roger Sharpe steps up to the El Dorado machine.
He's playing on it.
He's just, you know, banging the ball around on this El Dorado machine.
But then there's one prick on the [bleep] board of the city council who's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You guys are trying to pull a fast one.
This machine is probably set up so he could try to impress us.
I want him to play the backup machine, which is Bank Shot.
Now, Roger Sharpe had never played that other machine.
He'd never even like, not even one quarter.
He had never played it.
But he's like, I'll play it.
I'll play Bank Bank Shot? But I will show you mother[bleep] that this is a game of skill.
Roger Sharpe goes over to the Bank Shot machine.
He plays it for a few minutes, and he's, like, mastering it, right? He's, you know, batting the ball around.
Still nobody's impressed.
They're like, eh, whatever.
He looks at everybody in the city council and no [bleep], straight out of Babe Ruth's book, he goes, listen up, I'm gonna call my shot.
See the ball? I'm gonna pull this plunger back a certain distance, I'm gonna launch the ball, and that ball is gonna go into that center slot.
Everyone's like, yeah, whatever.
So the pressure is on this dude's shoulders.
He pulls back the plunger just enough, lets it go, and the pinball goes up the playfield and lands right in that middle slot where he says it's gonna go.
Right at that moment, one of the councilmen just grabbed his gavel, smacked the smacked the, you know whatever he smacks and goes, pinball is now legal.
Across America, all the cities who just kowtowed to whatever New York did were like, yeah, okay, pinball is legal and blah, blah, blah, blah.
So it really did all come down to that one called shot.
This is not a guy that's regularly regul regulated to the anals of history.
Roger Sharpe was a dude who was asked to show off his skills in order to save an entire industry, which he did.
Two balls! - Nine ball.
- This is sad.
All right, I'm gonna shoot it from here - The four ball! - to the middle.
Ready? - Wow.
- I called it, dude.
Roger Sharpe.
Games.
What would we do without games? We'd actually have to communicate.
I think virtual reality will be the biggest - thing starting next year.
- Okay.
You can step into the device.
- Your body will be completely tracked.
- Okay.
Can you do this move, like Oh! Wait, now I can't Is anybody around me? This is how you walk when you're trying not to [bleep] in your pants.
- Stay on the path.
- I'm trying.
Whoa-ah! My life! - Let's cheers to Bobby Fischer, yeah? - Here's the Bobby B F.
- Check.
- Mate.
Hello.
I'm Rich Fulcher, and today we're gonna talk about Bobby Fischer, King of the Chess People.
It's 1972.
Bobby Fischer is, like, 29 years old, and at the time, he had won the U.
S.
Open Championship and was an International Grandmaster.
But he wasn't just a normal chess player.
He was going, put, put, put, put, put, check! Woot, woot, woot, checkmate! That was when he felt most comfortable in life.
And yet, Russia had won the World Championship for the last 24 years.
Like, Russia, Russia, Russia, Russia, can Russia! And Russia used that as sort of a PR campaign, like, we are the kings.
We are not only Communists, but we are the intellectuals of the world because we do chess.
The World Championships are in Iceland, and Boris Spassky, backed by the Russian government, was like, Bobby Fischer is too young and inexperienced for someone like me, the World Champion.
Here's the thing, Fischer hated Russians, and he called them filthy pigs.
So it was much more than just a chess match.
The Cold War is happening.
Life Magazine called it the match of the century, and in the retrospect it was, because it was the match of the century.
And then Fischer didn't show up.
He was still in, uh, New York, and he said, I don't want to play in this match 'cause it's not enough prize money.
It's not enough! He was all talk.
He wasn't, like, ready to perform for, like, magic people.
But he gets a phone call from Henry [bleep] Kissinger, the Secretary of State, and he said, uhhhhh hi, this is Ken this is Henry Kissinger saying that you need to get your butt over to Iceland now.
So he finally shows up in Iceland, and Spassky's like, fine, great, let's get started.
But Fischer was like, there's too many cameras.
There's, uh the audience is too close.
The chess board is too shiny.
The lights are shiny.
But Fischer finally agreed to play, and in America it was shown on bars throughout the country.
So you would go into a bar, you'd see chess and not the New York Mets, not the Klondike Bars.
But what would you do for a Klondike? I would do anything for a Klondike Bar, except Wikipedia my dingus.
And so, the World Championship was a best out of 24 match.
The first game was weird because there's cameras everywhere.
It was like, they're too close! And Fischer made a rookie move, like, he went and got an outlier pawn with his bishop, and Spassky surrounded it with his bishops.
- Whoa.
- And he lost big time.
The second match came around, and Spassky was there, and he goes, where is he? Fischer was staying in his room and saying, I will not go out unless the cameras change.
And he was thinking that they would do it, but they didn't.
And then Fischer forfeits the match.
Hrrump! That's how they did it.
And he's down two-nothing, which is pretty [bleep] bad.
Pfft-pfft-pfft.
Why is all the ice gone? - Where did all the ice go? - I just want some free flowers.
What? All the ice was put into the cooler.
Let me tell you about the ice.
You just gotta mix it up! - Jeez.
- Here's the thing.
- The thing is - Here's the thing.
No, but what the thing is, is, um, I have a flaming dick disease.
No, I was trying to say that to be behind two-nothing is a big deal in these matches.
And then finally for the third game Fischer said, look, let's go to a back room with no cameras, please.
And Spassky said yes.
- Fischer felt comfortable and won.
- He won! The first time he'd ever beaten Fas Fassko no, Spassky.
Once he won, it just changed.
It's like a turnaround.
It's like a blip, blah, aghhhh.
It's like a shhh.
It's like a pup.
It's like a poosh.
Like a pu-aaaa! Like a put-chi-sha-sha-snoot! It happened.
So Fischer won the third game, the fifth game, the sixth game, the eighth game, the tenth game.
It was so brilliant, Spassky actually stood up, - he gave a standing ovation.
- Thank you, thank you.
And after the 13th game, the Soviets were like, what do we do? They went to the officials and said, Bobby Fischer is using electronic devices to wane Spassky's energy through electronic zappage.
So the Reykjavik police from Iceland came in and took apart everything.
They took apart Bobby Fischer's chair, Bobby Fischer's, uh peanuts.
Peanuts.
And they were thinking, oh, this is gonna fluster Fischer, because Fischer's very, you know, tumultuous.
It didn't at all.
He loved it.
And he won after that, and won and won, and pretty much after the 21st match, it became mathematically impossible for Spassky to win.
And it was like, oh, my God! Fischer wins! Fischer wins! And it's he he's, like, the World Chess Champion, and he's from the U.
S.
He walks out in Reykjavik, there's people everywhere.
He's mobbed.
Fischer was huge, and he became a Cold War hero, and he felt like Tell me more, you sucking pig! Suck! Suck! That's it.
This, I'm no expert, is half the board.
I've never played.
I'm not just saying that.
A queen to bishop, king-4.
Checkmate.
All right, so that's how chess is played.