Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Oklahoma

_ _ It's the biggest land-run ever.
Kentucky Daisey's like, Sha-doink, this is my land.
Wine is a very it high [bleep] up quotient.
Gordo is like, I'm entering Earth's atmosphere.
[mimics shuttle] [bleep] bravo to me! Wait.
Bass Reeves arrested 3,000 men in the line of duty.
And he's like pew, pew, pew.
I love you.
I'ma kiss you on your lips.
I grew up in the middle of bum[bleep] Oklahoma, out in the Panhandle.
We have this great history you know, the Dust Bowl, and everything really sucked.
And they were like, we're gonna come through this.
Oklahoma, like, we rose to the challenge.
We're the melting pot of the United States.
We are the armpit of the United States.
Or the armpit.
Melting pot armpit What we really are, is Texas' weird hat.
- Right.
- I've heard we're Kansas with a boner.
- Do you like white wine? - Yeah - You do? - I do.
Wow, you don't know any guys that like it.
- Cheers.
- Kentucky Daisey.
- Kentucky Daisey.
- All the way.
Are you shooting it? You seem experienced, fella.
You were, like had been a bridesmaid at one point in your life.
- And you had shot some wine.
- Maybe.
Hello, today we're gonna talk about Kentucky Daisey and the great Oklahoma land-run.
- Oh no, I can't.
- You're fine.
So, late 1870s, Kentucky Daisey is a journalist, writing all just the fluff, garbage, women pieces.
They're like, Here's an assignment, why don't you go write about making corn pie or pudding article, or whatever.
Okay? She's like, Pfft, I need a little bit more meaty [bleep].
- Can I say I can swear, right? - Mm-hmm.
So, the government has this land, it's like, 2 million acres.
I mean, taken from the poor Native Americans, and they're like, What if we give it to some crazy pioneers? Let them kinda cultivate it for us, make some cities, et cetera.
Let's give the white people a chance.
It's so awful.
We took 2 million acres! - Wow.
- It's very sad.
But anyways, God bless America.
So, she hears about this huge land-run.
April 22nd, noon, land-run, to white people.
So, she is like, Hey, journalist, boss, what if I went to this land-run and I talked about what girls are wearing in terms of petticoats? But in her head is like, I'm gonna get a piece of this land for me.
So, she gets there.
There are 50,000 people lining the border.
Cannon goes off at noon.
Everybody's acting buck wild.
Everybody's buck.
They'll trample other people.
Take kids down.
They don't care.
So, there's also a train that goes into the lands as well.
And it's filled with journalists.
Kentucky Daisey's on the train.
She's trying to keep it cool.
But then, it goes up this incline so it slows down.
Kentucky Daisey's like, [bleep] this [bleep].
She jumps off of a moving train.
Over a ditch.
Gets to the plot of land that she wants, pulls a stake out pop! Claims the land.
Shoots a gun off, because, whatever, that's who she is.
Thus I salute the Ken What? - What? - The Kentucky Daisey claim.
Thus I salute the Kentucky Daisey claim! She gets the land.
And so, on her little piece of property, she builds a house and whatever, but she starts to kinda get that hunger again.
She's like, I'm gonna go to this next land-run, and I'm gonna ride a horse in, like a badass bitch.
Boom! Cannon goes off.
And she does, she rides a horse in.
She's super cool.
And then the horse acts like a [bleep] asshole.
Throws her.
Tromps her face with its little horse hooves - She what? - Tromped her face.
What do they do? Trample? Tramp? The horse tramped her face? Right? - Yeah.
- Who cares? She lost it.
So, she's out.
She's unconscious.
She wakes up, she's like, Where am I? By the way, who cares where I am, it's land, I'm gonna claim it.
I don't give a [bleep] where I am.
This is my land.
People next door are like, You just got hit in the [bleep] face.
You're cray.
Now she's got two plots of land.
That's it, that's it.
That's the cap.
So, Kentucky Daisey brought 11 women.
She's like, Girls, we're gonna go into these new lands.
We're gonna give you some property for yourselves.
Like, have at it.
This is for us.
This is lady land.
Let's put up some houses, establish some lady property.
Put a hot tub up.
Do whatever you want.
These bitches are [bleep] rifled up.
They're called Daisey's Amazons by "The New York Times.
" So, they go in there here's the crazy part, you're supposed to go in at noon, that's the time, but they go in days early which is illegal.
That's like a thing.
Those people were called sooners.
And they hide in a ditch.
So, their whole thing is like, Hey, by the way, if like a [bleep] dude runs up on you tonight, shoot him in the throat.
Sounds like a blast, but okay.
Kentucky Daisey gets it in her head that she's like, You know what we need? Snacks supplies.
Food, whatever it was.
I'll volunteer to get the Fritos.
They're like, cool.
She goes out.
And the guys in charge of the land-run are like, No, not cool.
We're gonna capture you.
You can't get the land.
Sorry, you can't go get your Fritos.
She diverted the attention that might have been on these 11 ladies that were hiding in the ditch.
And they ended up being land owners.
I'm gonna throw up I'm not! People underestimate the power of wine.
Wine is a very it high [bleep] up quotient.
- I agree.
- This is two bottles.
So, anyways, in 1893, it's the biggest land-run ever.
She gets 36 single broads.
She's like, [bleep] those stereotypes.
These are my hos.
This is the best.
That's what she said.
She was like, [bleep] blow into these territories and make a bunch of women in charge of these lands.
That's everybody's nightmare.
[bleep] yes! set up houses and schools, and they built themselves how dare they.
And that land became Oklahoma, like, the Sooner State.
She's, kind of, the mother of Oklahoma.
You know, it's not all about pioneers.
It's not all about families.
It could be a [bleep] single lady making it on your own.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know? Bitches be doing it for themselves.
- To Kentucky Daisey.
- We love you.
We love you.
So, John Glenn is like, Ten, night, eight, seven Gordo's like, Let's just, like, do it, I'm ready.
Have another drink.
Stop being a little bitch, Derek.
All right, here we go.
Oh, oh, that's right, it's only Here we go with the turn.
And stomp! You better stay away from Copperhead Road Derek, come join me.
- Where are you? - In the bushes.
What're you doing in the bushes? Come out and play.
Have another drink.
Stop being a little bitch, Derek.
That's good.
I like this moustache.
My name is Laura My name is Laura Steinel.
And today we're talking about Gordon Cooper.
The year is 1963.
Gordon Cooper, he's this military test pilot from Oklahoma.
NASA had just begun.
And so, he was one of seven astronauts chosen for Project Mercury.
Also, really chill.
He was like, Please, call me Gordo.
Don't call me Gordon.
I'm not that official.
Right? And so, all these space missions go off without a hitch, and NASA's like, We've done really well.
Congrats, NASA.
And they're patting themselves on the back.
And Gordo's like, Guys, I totally get it.
Like, that's really cool, like, pats on the back.
But if you want to send a man to the Moon, you should maybe see if someone could be in space for, I don't know, And NASA's like, Ugh, yeah I guess, Gus.
Yeah, sure, Gus.
- Gordo.
- Oh, [bleep], sorry.
- I'm an idiot.
- That's okay.
- All right, all right.
- You're fine.
So, Gordo goes on the launch pad.
NASA'd be like, Hey, just like, really quick Like, don't touch anything.
NASA would completely control everything.
It was so bad that the astronauts felt like, um, spam in a can.
Is what they referred to themselves as.
So, anyway, he launches into space and it's like, Three, two, one, blast off.
Are you shooting that Okay, good.
He gets up into space and everything's cool.
He's like, I'm orbiting the [bleep] Earth.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I wa - You can swear.
No, my mom I try not I'm not I'm gonna try not to swear.
So, he's in space.
He sends back the first TV images of a human, back to Earth.
He has a little powdered roast beef dinner.
He's just having a ball.
So, he takes a nap.
The first guy to ever sleep in space.
He wakes up and he's like, It's good to be Gordo.
And then, he's like, Oh, [bleep], no, it's not.
Because beep, beep.
Oh [bleep].
I have no stabilization unit.
Everyone in Mission Control is freaking out.
They're like, Oh, God.
This doesn't look good.
And Gus Grissom is like, Bro, I love you.
I'm gonna tell your wife you're a hero.
Gordo's like, No, stop it.
I'm gonna take control over the spaceship.
Gus is like, You're about to do something none of no one has ever done before.
And Gordo's like, Yeah, no, I know.
So, just shut the [bleep] up, Gus.
I've got control.
He starts to take over manual control.
But, at that moment, he loses radio signal with Gus Grissom.
And so, he gets a radio signal over to his friend John Glenn, who's on the recovery boat over in Japan.
Then he's like, John Glenn, hey.
It's me, Gordo.
Um, I have absolutely no power in my spacecraft.
And I just wanna get back home because I'm a really chill guy.
It's me, Gordo.
And he's like, Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
And so, together they go through this checklist.
Uh, put this thing up.
Like, press this button.
There's all these things he needs to do.
But then Gordo's like, Oh, [bleep].
And his carbon dioxide meter's going off.
And it's like, Beep, beep, you're [bleep].
And he's like, Oh, my God, you're right.
I'm totally [bleep] [bleep].
But I no, but he's chiller than that.
No, hold on.
He's way calmer than that.
John Glenn, look, my carbon dioxide meter's going off and, uh It's like 100 degrees in my cabin.
Which means he's [bleep] dying.
But he's not being a Debbie Downer about it.
And he's like, I need to get to Earth.
But, like, manual reentry had never been done before.
So, if he enters the Earth's atmosphere too steep, he's gonna blow up.
So, he says, Okay.
There's the Big Dipper.
There's the Little Dipper.
Gemini He draws an axis on the window and uses the constellations as his constant.
And he says, This is going to be my angle at which I can enter Earth's atmosphere.
Which I think is pretty incredible.
So, John Glenn is like, Okay.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six Gordo's like, Let's just, like, do it, I'm ready.
So, he fires, uh Uh, what does this mean? What's it called when there's fire coming out of stuff? What when it's like a fire He fires the rockets.
He had a $5 wristwatch, and that's what he used to figure out how long to fire his rockets.
Gordo is like, I'm entering Earth's atmosphere! [bleep] bravo to me! Wait.
And he splashes down.
And he has the most accurate splash-down, ever, in NASA history.
He's like, so chill.
He's like, Hey, guys, I made it.
I'm not surprised.
It's me, Gordo.
Big whoop.
- Gordo changed the game.
- Great.
He had a $5 wristwatch! - All right, Mark.
- I'm listening.
- Well, you're gonna do some talking.
- Hello.
- I'm Mark Gagliardi.
- I'm Mark Gagliardi.
And today, we're gonna talk about Oh, is this really that part of the thing? - Yep.
- Yeah, now you're woken up.
Here he comes.
This is how television works, bitches.
- Ready? - Which camera? - Action.
- Hi, I'm Mark Gagliardi.
Today we're gonna talk about Bass Reeves.
Bass Reeves is born as a slave.
One night, Bass Reeves and his master get in an argument over a poker game.
Bass Reeves punches his owner in the face.
And Bass Reaves thinks to himself, Oh, [bleep], you guys, I just coldcocked my boss.
Listen, let's be honest, my owner.
This is probably not gonna be good for me.
So, Bass Reeves hightails it to the Indian Territories of Oklahoma.
So, Bass Reeves winds up living among the Seminole Nation, learning the language of all of these indigenous peoples.
And trained in the ways of Native American - tracking and hunting.
- Hmm, awesome.
- Ah, I appreciate you, Derek.
I love you.
- I love you.
You're my listen, I'm We're gonna make a baby.
Um I may be aimed down at the ground for the whole of this, but don't worry about that.
In 1875 the U.
is changing.
Taming the Wild West and all that kinda [bleep].
Marshal James Fagan knew that this was dangerous work.
He needed the guy that full on dances with wolvesed in that area.
So, Fagan goes to Reeves.
Hey, I have 75,000 square miles to cover to bring bad guys to justice.
And Bass Reeves said, Listen, I'm ambidextrous, I can shoot a gun with both hands.
I'm 6'2" and 390 pounds.
I'm gonna be the guy that keeps you safe.
The only thing I can say to you is I'm gonna tape a take a nap.
[bleep] you.
There he goes on the floor - Derek? - Mm-hmm? - Take my hand.
- Good night, then.
So So, Bass Reeves is working as a U.
Marshal, picking up bad guys.
So, one of the bad guy things that he does is, he dresses himself up as an old beggar at the homestead of a couple of bad guys' mother.
He says, I'm just a poor old beggar.
I just need a place to stay for the night.
So she gives Bass Reeves a place to spend the night.
As soon as the two outlaws fell asleep, Bass Reeves pulled down his shawl, grabs his six shooter.
He says, The Bass w hold on.
I'm gonna corner their dumb asses while they're sleeping.
I'll sleep you I will sleep clack you into my handcuffs, bitches! And I'm gonna grag you I'm gonna grag you hold on.
I'm gonna drag your asses in jail where I gathered up all the criminals.
- That's pretty badass.
- Listen, mother[bleep], I'll tell you this whole story, hold on.
This is how big a badass Bass Reeves is.
The Brunter Brothers, another group of outlaws, ambushed him at gunpoint.
Bass Reeves kept his cool, turned to the first Brunter Brother and said, I'm sorry, do you know what the date is today? And as that brother was trying to figure out the date for the day, Bass Reeves shoots the first two brothers.
And then coldcocked the other brother and carried them back to the court at Fort Lewis.
And they're like, You know what? [bleep] you, Bass Reeves! [bleep] you and your knowing what's right and wrong! [bleep] you, Honest Honest Jack Reeves! [bleep] you, Bass Reeves, and your wanting to give the honesty to the people! - Mark.
- I love you.
I love you.
I'ma kiss you on your lips.
- Derek Waters.
- No.
I'ma kiss you on your lips.
I just wanna hold your face.
- Will you finish the story if I do this? - I promise I will.
- Promise? - I'm - No slapping.
- I'm not gonna slap you, Derek.
- What're you gonna do? - Derek? - That was very nice.
- I'm gonna take a nap now.
You promised, if you could touch my face - I'll touch your face.
- You were gonna finish - the [bleep] story.
- I'ma finish it, hold on.
So, uh, one night, Bass Reeves is chasing after Jim Webb.
He'd killed a ton of dudes, and Bass Reeves pew, pew, pew shot down this dude.
And this guy is laying there, on the ground, looks up at Bass Reeves, and he says, Bass, this bullet that is designed for you Nah, man.
I want this bullet to be designed for people that [bleep] you up.
That guy, Jim Webb, gave that gun to Bass Reeves because he respects him.
- Derek.
- Shh.
Tell the story.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Bass Reeves threw more men in jail than any other Marshal in U.
history, 3,000 men.
And when he died, his funeral was attended by hundreds of people.
White Black Native American and whatever the other thing was that they had.
And they all went to pay their respects to this, the most important man, of the wild frontier.
You know what? Reeves was the inspiration for the Lone Ranger.
How come more people don't know that Bass Reeves is who inspired the Lone Ranger? Because he's black.
- That's sad.
- Yeah.
- Well, we're changing history now.
- I love you.
And then what happens? Mm-hmm.