Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - New Mexico

_ _ So, Po'pay marched The Spanish, they're like, What do we do.
Ernest Thompson Seton gets out to New Mexico and he says, I hear there's all these wolves to kill.
Major Jesse Marcel says, We have discovered a crashed flying saucer.
Ah! What I love about New Mexico.
Not going outside, that's for one thing.
You burst into flame if you go outside.
People don't know that there's a Mexico and a New Mexico.
- They think it's the same thing.
- Right.
And then they think we all speak Spanish.
I don't speak a lick of Spanish.
- It's the land of enchantment.
- Land of entrapment.
- Land of entrapment.
- Land of entrapment.
You come on vacation, you leave on probation.
- Holla.
- That's it.
I'm so glad you're doing this.
- Cheers.
Thanks for having me.
- Thank you.
I can't wait to get hammered with you.
That guy just pulled over to put something in my trash cans.
Trouble! I kinda want to see what he put in your trash cans.
- This could turn into a whole new show.
- This is like "Vice.
" - I'm not kidding, there's Wet Ones in there.
- Eww, no! - No respect.
- Adherence.
This is a family neighborhood, you can't just eat Wendy's and masturbate.
Hi, I'm Fortune Feimster, and today we're gonna talk about Po'pay and the Pueblo Revolt.
Our story starts in the 1600s.
There were people called the Pueblo Indians, and they were living peacefully, doing their thing, being Indians.
There's this Pueblo Indian named Po'pay.
He's, like, very charismatic, everyone wanted to hang out with him, s life of the party.
That would be Po'pay.
So, in 1675, the Spanish came in and took over the Pueblo area, so Po'pay was like, This is my place.
Don't bother us.
We're doing our Indian stuff.
The governor, Treviño, was like, I'm worried about you Pueblo Indians and your teachings, and I'm worried that it's gonna impede on my Christian beliefs.
So, they he gathered up a bunch of Pueblo Indian leaders and he was like, You're a witch! He killed like four of 'em.
So Po'pay was like, I'm gonna get you back.
So one night, Po'pay gets a message from this god called Pohe-Yemo - Shamu.
- Which sounds like Shamu! My brothers called me Shamu when I was little.
- That's not nice.
- It's not nice.
I was like, [bleep] you! So, Pohe-Yemo, he was like, You need to get everybody together.
You speak all the dialects.
You You have the power to get everybody together and and bring and and bring everybody together to revolt, and so, let's do this, like, use your powers for good.
So Po'pay gathers Po'pay gives all these leaders a piece of rope, and he was like, Every day, you untie a knot, and then when these knots are untied, we gonna revolt! So every day, the Poi the Pueblos untied the knots, they use like deerskin, like smoke signals, um, text messages But, Po'pay was super insecure, and he was like, I don't trust anybody, and so, you guys have to keep secrets, and if you don't keep a secret, I will, like, "Soprano" style murder you.
But then there were two assholes who ended up telling the secret anyway to a priest, so the so the priest says to the governor, Look, I just heard from these two little bitches that that Po'pay he's angry, and he's got all these Pueblos that are coming for you.
And then Juan Pablo no, Juan Pablo is my gardener.
Juan Francisco Treviño told all the Spanish people, Get to Santa Fe! Some [bleep] about to go down.
Close the doors.
And he's like, Nobody's coming in here no matter what.
And so, somebody comes to Po'pay and is like, Hey, look, you gotta start the revolt like ASAP.
Like, immediately.
He was like, You need to send out a Bat-Signal A smoke signal not a Bat-Signal.
So he was like, Hey, listen, Pueblos, tonight's the night.
We're gonna [bleep] up some Spanish people.
We're doing this now! We're revolting! Come on, Pueblos, let's get it together! And, so, in August 1680, Po'pay marched 2,500 people into into Santa Fe, and he went to the palace and he started attacking them, and they were they were shooting back and forth at each other, and Po'pay was like, We're gonna show that governor who's boss.
Po'pay cut off their water supply.
He's like, If you don't have water, you can't do anything.
And they were like, What do we do? They just sat there like a bunch of bitches.
After six days, Po'pay was like, I'm tired of losing men.
I'm tired of people dying.
I got things to do.
I'm hungry.
He's like, I'ma let you go.
I'ma let you guys go.
Normally, in history, you hear about Indians gettin', like, [bleep]ed, but this story, the Indians came out on top.
He was like, pfft, [bleep] you guys.
Burn it down.
This is my jam.
This is my palace.
He ruled Santa Fe, burned down all the stuff the Spaniards had put up, and New Mexico, to this day, has Spanish influence, Indian influence, and some methamphetamines' influence as well.
Do you feel like we've talked Do you feel like we've talked America enough? - We do.
We - What else? - I do.
- What else do you want from us? - I - Go to school! What are you drinking? I'm drinking a vodka and a soda and a lime.
- Plural, though.
- Look at all these limes.
One, two, three, four My baby don't mess around Because she loves me so, and that I know da Can't clear that.
Is that was it too accurate, that we can't even use it? Maybe it wasn't.
Hello, I'm Mike Still, and today we're gonna talk about Ernest Thompson Seton, the founder of the Boy Scouts of America.
Ernest Thompson Seton was born to a really mean dad.
His life at home was awful, so he ran out in the woods and it was a place that he could truly explore, and he said, I am a human that exists among birds, among beavers, among badgers, among animals.
He got to fantasize about being an Indian and he drew the most beautiful pictures of birds.
So in 1893, he meets his girlfriend's father, Fitz Randolph, and he was like, We got all this problems out in New Mexico.
We got these wolves.
They're killing us.
All of our cattle they're getting out there, they're eating the cattle.
We just need someone to, like, help us out.
We just need someone.
And Ernest is like, I'll do it.
No problem.
He's spent a ton of time in the wild.
He's very used to this.
So, Ernest gets out to New Mexico, and he's like, I hear there's all these wolves to kill.
And the cowboys are like, No, no, no, man.
There's one.
His name is Lobo, the King of Currumpaw-ba-ba.
The King of Currumpaw.
Seton's like, Let's do this.
And then it says that he works through the woods, he's tracking the animal.
He looks, he picks up a leaf.
Oh, Lobo, you've been here.
And Lobo's like, Yes, you know I have.
You know I have.
Well, I'm on my way to get you.
All he wants to do is kill this wolf.
With some sort of bow and arrow, a rifle Just showing how you kill a wolf.
But he can't do it.
He's a total smart [bleep]ing wolf.
So he's hunting Lobo for four months.
All of a sudden, he's like lookin' out on the prairie, and he's like, Why am I seeing this wolf during the day? And it turns out Lobo was hangin' out with the hottest wolf that's ever existed, and she's super [bleep]ing hot.
Real hot.
So, um Lobo and Blanca were hanging out, and they were the super coolest humans to ever hang out.
They were super chill.
Ernest realizes, The only thing that could kill Lobo is the most dangerous weapon of all Love.
Ernest and his boys go after Blanca, they go after her, and they they capture Blanca.
They know that she is the way to get Lobo.
So then, they pull her back and they kill her.
Just totally done.
It's done.
They got her.
They got her! They got her.
And Seton's like, Now we can get Lobo.
A A A And he takes her corpse back to his camp, and he hears, that night, the sad the sad howl.
And Lobo came closer than he ever did before, and He was caught by four traps.
And Seton came out, and was like, Got him.
We got him.
But then, he looked in this animal's eyes, and he realized this was someone that was heartbroken.
This was someone that was completely heartbroken.
So Seton said, I'm not gonna kill him.
I'm gonna he carried him back, he gave him meat, and then he died.
But this [bleep]ed him up.
He couldn't believe that he had, like, killed this animal.
Yeah, he was just like, What the [bleep] did I do here? Like, I [bleep]ing killed this beautiful animal, that somehow it was okay to, like, kill things? Why? Why?! WHY? Like, in capital letters.
So he put out a book.
It was called "Wild Animals I Have Known.
" He gives the animals in his book personalities and thoughts, and most people can't [bleep]ing deal with that.
It blows their [bleep]ing minds.
So after years Years later, in 1902, he's writing books, he's drawing pictures of birds.
And then all of a sudden, he hears all this noise, and he looks out What is going on out here?! Tons of boys start vandalizing his house.
He just runs after these boys, and they're like, Sorry, man, we come from troubled homes.
We had abusive dads.
And Ernest is like, Whoa, what the [bleep]? You're just like me.
He says, All right.
I need to get all these boys together and hang out on Easter.
And they're like, What is this guy's deal? We have no idea what he's going to do.
And he's like, You thought I was gonna reprimand you.
Guess what? We're learning about woods! We're learning about survival.
We're learning about trees.
We're learning about all the things that humans need to know to prosper.
He called his hangout the Woodcraft Indians.
It eventually grew into the Boy Scouts of America.
All right, so here we have we're gonna do a slip knot.
- Slip knot.
- Pretty easy.
So, all we want to do is go over hold on, it's already pretty bent.
So we go over this, right? Then we go over that.
- Oh, so we're gonna go over each knot.
- Knot! And, so now, it's just a rope.
Not just hold on.
Wait to go over here We're gonna pull this though that Oh, wait, hold on I believe we are ready to get started! My name is Norma, and I come from the planet Nyto.
I'm Bacoscia from the planet Venusia.
On my planet, women rule.
All right, coming up is Daryl Walters from the planet Mudocon.
His diet consists of whiskey and rice cakes.
He's a Leo, and he wants to run for President one day.
L-O-L! - Hey, I finished all the vodka, so - Do you want to do a shot, though? I'll do a shot with you.
To every ufologist who is seeking the truth out there.
Who's digging deep and doing the legwork.
This one goes for you.
Oh, Mommy.
Hello, today we're gonna be talking about the Roswell UFO crash of 1947.
So Mac Brazel, a foreman for a sheep rancher, he sees some metallic pieces laying opossum upon his acreage.
And he's like, Well this is very interesting.
I mean, what the ding-dong could this really be? There are some things going on on this ranch that defy human explanation.
So immediately, he contacts the local Army Air Force base.
They send out a guy named Major Jesse Marcel, a very decorated, very smart individual, and Major Jesse Marcel's like, Well this is not from us.
This is not from the Air Force.
This is not from a crashed airplane.
This is not crashed from a satellite.
This must be alien.
So, J Major Jesse Marcel contacts the local paper and says, We have discovered a crashed flying saucer.
Holy [bleep].
In the newspaper, they actually put The military has recovered alien spacecrafts space craft that has crashed with wreckage.
The Pentagon is freaking out.
So they're basically saying, Oh, Jesus Christ, Project Mogul, you know that thing we're doing? The balloon that we're testing with microphones trying to detect Russian nuclear activity? Our top-secret project has crashed on a sheep rancher's property, man.
This was a the most top secret project going on at the time, and Project Mogul was a weather balloom atmospheric craft that was going to detect sounds of a nuclear test going on with nuclear weapons.
All of a sudden, the Pentagon they are swarming the area.
They're cornering off the whole area.
They're picking up debris.
The Pentagon kept the Air Force in the dark about this whole thing.
So Major Jesse Marcel said, We are in the midst of a huge cover-up.
Holy [bleep], this is crazy.
Which, for the Pentagon, is exactly what they wanted.
Secret Military.
The perfect smoke screen.
Years go on and on, and no one gave a [bleep], and the local town people sort of forgot about it, and it wasn't a big deal.
They're like, Oh, yeah, well, we don't not really sure what happened, blah blah blah.
Everyone forgot about it until 1978.
Jesse Marcel, now a very aging man, calls up famed ufologist Stanton T.
I need to tell you a little bit of a story.
It's the story of the Roswell UFO crash.
Stanton Friedman's like, I'm all ears.
Give me the juice.
Gimme the juice that I so desire.
We're on a I'm sorry, I'm lost.
- Okay, uh - We're talking about Roswell.
And yeah.
So, Stanton Friedman flies down there from Northern California, and is just, like, I'm lovin' this.
This is a great situation.
Marcel, he gives him the whole Roswell spiel.
Stanton Friedman hears all about this, and so he's like, Pay dirt.
I am going to write a book.
And write a book he does.
He writes a bestseller.
Roswell now, which had been forgotten about for 30 years, becomes a huge deal, and thus is born a whole new generation of ufologists.
It must be an alien spacecraft from another planet.
- Capisce? - Capisce.
In 1995, citizens kept on writing in, saying Can you please tell us what happened with Roswell? So the Pentagon says, All right, you deserve to know.
We will release all the Freedom Informa Freedom of Information Act FOIA documents.
They do so, and the whole story about Project Mogul comes out.
The reality of the situation is is that extraterrestrial beings from another planet did not crash in the desert of Roswell, New Mexico.
And, you know, now today Roswell, the town, refuses to acknowledge Project Mogul, so they are the ones projecting the UFO angle with all this stuff.
Well, this is a kind of a rendition of the typical pleiadian gray alien.
He's got the teardrop almond eyes, the nose with the limited slits, - and in the mouth.
- How much did you pay for this thing? - 450 bucks.
- Jesus.
- Got a good deal.
- They saw you coming They didn't show you the back part 'till you left? I didn't see that 'till I got home, and yeah, and I did feel like a quite a heel for that.