Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Inventors

_ _ Alexander Graham Bell is like, Oh, [bleep], invent the telephone? Yes, please.
Hold on, hold on.
Ah, it's in my mouth! She says I just made this [bleep] out of some handkerchiefs.
All the girls go crazy.
My boobles are free to roam! People came to Edison.
They're like, Hey, look what we can do.
We can project images on a screen.
He's like, Wow.
That's amazing.
I can't believe I invented that.
That's a great idea.
Let me get to today we're gonna learn - about inventions.
- Okay.
All right, ready? Wait! Wait! I'll be there.
Just wait one second.
Wait, you [bleep]ing prick! This week's episode is about great inventions.
- Bidet.
- The bidet was invented in 19 It doesn't matter when it's invented, it's to clean bowls.
Ah, it's in my mouth! Welcome to "Drunk History.
" I'm J.
Today we're gonna tell a story about the invention of the telephone.
Our story starts in the 1870s with a telegraph corporation Western Union.
And Western Union was trying to go like, All right, the telegraph is fine, but, like, what's next? So, they're like, We're looking for somebody to, like, invent a way to, like, talk your voice over a wire to some other dude.
It's a wonderful thing where you call people's homes and it's a telephone! Now, there's a dude whose name is Elisha pronounced Elijah.
Elisha Gray sold telegraph parts.
He's like, I invent little telegraph things.
Eh, I'm a cute little inventor.
I'm Elisha Gray.
So Western Union is like, Elisha Gray, invent the telephone.
Elisha Gray's like, Great.
But then Western Union goes to the public and is like, Hey, everybody everybody in the world who invents things, try to invent the telephone and we'll buy it from you.
So this inventor Alexander Graham Bell is like, Oh, [bleep], invent the telephone? Yes, please.
We're doing good.
We're really drunk.
So Alexander Graham Bell gets to work trying to invent the telephone.
He's having a hard time.
He can't figure it out.
Like murp, murp.
It's kinda me talking, but I sound like a robot.
Alexander Graham Bell's lawyers are like, This is a [bleep] telephone.
You're not doing a good job at all, Alexander Graham Bell.
And so his lawyer goes to the patent clerk at the U.
Patent Office.
Zenas Fisk Wilber.
It's a weird, old name.
Zenas rhymes with penis.
That's how I remember it.
" The guy had all sorts of problems.
He was a drunker, like, I'm poor and I'm drunk and I'm depressed, [bleep] it.
Graham Bell's lawyer said Listen, you owe us money If anybody submits a telephone patent, let me know.
Meanwhile, Elisha Gray is, like, having the same problems Alexander Graham Bell was having, he was like Merp, merp, merp.
I'm talking on the phone.
How can I make this electric current be smoother on the other end? What if I put a little water in the doodad? The water vibrates at more subtler tones and that goes through the wire and it's clear as silk.
Bonanza! He goes to the Patent Office and he files a patent.
I know how to make the telephone, and this is how I'm gonna do it.
So sure enough, Zenas Fisk Wilber at the Patent Office calls Alexander Graham Bell's lawyers.
Not on the telephone, 'cause it's not invented yet, on a telegraph or something.
He's just like Hey.
Boop boop boop.
Beep beep.
Somebody just submitted the patent for the telephone.
Boop boop boop.
Alexander Graham Bell goes to the Patent Office and goes What's up, Zenas Fisk Wilber? Um, okay - Jeez.
- Sorry about that.
- And then he swallowed it.
- Of course I swallow.
What do you want me to do? Spit it on the floor? Maybe you can give me, uh a little something something about what's going on with this other guy who filed a patent, huh? He's like, Well, all right, here it is.
Here's the drawing of, uh how he's gonna invent the telephone.
Alexander Graham Bell copies down Gray's design and turns it in.
Meanwhile, Elisha Gray all of a sudden he hears, Hey, everybody in America, Alexander Graham Bell just invented the telephone.
He's like What? I I filed a patent for the telephone! How could he do that? This is I know I made this telephone.
This is my thing.
There's a "disputement.
" Everybody's like, who did it first? Who Who was first? And guess who the Patent Office put in charge of the investigation? Zenas Fisk Wilber himself.
And so Alexander Graham Bell's lawyers were like, Listen, let's fricken just let Alexander Graham Bell's patent come first.
Like, what's up? So he's like, Guess what? Alexander Graham Bell, you invented the telephone! - You win! - Whoo-hoo! Alexander Graham Bell goes off and builds the first telephone off of Gray's plans.
Meanwhile, Elisha Gray is busy fighting it in court.
I invented the telephone.
It was me! This is This is garbage.
He copied me.
And even though he got Ze Zenas Wilber to testify in court, like, Listen, I took a bunch of money from Bell's lawyer so he could invent the telephone and that's the truth.
Still Alexander Graham Bell is so well-known at this point that the Supreme Court's like, Alexander Graham Bell wins and he's the inventor of the telephone forever.
Well, good work.
Elisha Gray is like, Oh, God, I guess I didn't invent telephones.
I did, but, like, I lose.
Anyway, what's his name, um I don't remember his name.
What's his name? What's the other guy's na Wilber! No.
Walt Disney? No.
Meanwhile, Alexander Graham Bell went on to make 1800s equivalent of billions off the telephone and then was like, I made the Bell Company.
I don't I don't care.
I don't I don't gi I don't even like telephones.
I don't even want one in my office.
That's what a [bleep] snob Alexander Graham Bell was.
Meanwhile, who uses the Alexander Graham Bell telephone anymore? Nobody! Except old people and poor people.
All right, let's go.
Let's learn.
Are you ready? - I'm - Don't! - Well, I'm - Shh! - Am I allowed to answer if I'm ready? - No, you just shush it.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Paget Brewster.
No, not everyone.
- Just hello.
- Hello.
My name is Paget Brewster and I'm talking to you - And today.
- Oh, my God.
You guys ready? Are you all done? Shut your mouth! You ready? I'll [bleep]ing do it, but shush it.
Hello, eve Hello.
My name is Paget Brewster and today we're talking about Mary Phelps Jacob, the inventor of the bra.
In 1910 women were cinched in to tiny corsets all the time, but then there is a 19-year-old girl Mary Phelps Jacob, setting up to go to a debutante ball, and she is like, Uh, I got this beautiful silk dress and I have to put this dumb piece of [bleep] on.
Stupid corset with whale bone inserts.
Ugh, it's so goddamn dumb.
All right, I'm I'm I'm I'm out.
I'm out.
I can't take this.
Marie! Her maid.
Marie! Get me two handkerchiefs, some silk cording, ribbons, and a sewing kit.
She sews together two handkerchiefs onto herself and goes to a ball.
All the girls are like, What is going on with you, girl? You look better than you have ever looked.
And she says, Yeah, I just made this [bleep] out of some handkerchiefs.
The girls go crazy! And she's like My boobles are free to roam.
- And they all say - I want one.
- I want one.
- I want one.
All right, whatever, I'll make you some.
I'll make you my new thing, whatever, with some handkerchiefs.
Then she gets a letter in the mail from someone she's never met saying, "Hey, I'll give you a dollar to make me a bra.
" And then she realizes, Oh, this could be a business.
So she goes to the Patent Office and she said, Hey, I've made this thing.
It's a brassiere.
The Patent Office guy was like, Everyone's had boobs for goddamn forever.
I understand that you think you made something, but you [bleep]ing didn't.
And she said No, I did.
The last piece of [bleep] patent flattens your tits into nothing but one boob.
Do you want one boob? And he's like, I don't I can't even I don't even know if I can answer this.
No, you want two [bleep]ing boobs.
They separate and lift.
Give me the patent for the backless brassiere.
And he says, Yeah, okay, all right.
I've never seen that.
I will give you a patent.
He gives her a patent.
Oh, God.
I'm I'm not gonna throw up, but I am I'm pretty Gonzo bonzo.
So she opens the Fashion Form Brassiere Company.
Meanwhile, she marries this guy Harry Crosby and Harry says, Hey, babe, because you're gonna be my wife Crosby, I feel like you should have a "C" name.
And so it's like C.
I would really like it if you change your name to Clitoris.
It's [bleep]ing true.
And she says Na What? No.
I'm not gonna change my name to Clitoris.
And he's like No, it's with a "Y".
Still, I'm sorry.
I love you, man, honey, but not even with a "Y" will I name myself Clitoris.
- What about Caresse? - That's better than Clitoris.
He says to her Hey, Caresse Car she's now Caresse.
You're kinda bored with the bra business and it's not taking off.
I'm kinda rich.
Why don't you just let it go? She says All right, fine.
She sells her patent to the Warner Brothers Corset Company for $1,500.
She's like I'm out.
I'm good.
Had fun.
So, wait.
I have to fast-forward.
- I also have to pee.
- Which one you done do first? - No, I have to pee.
- Okay, well, then pee.
I'm gonna.
In 1929 the bra took hold.
Everyone bought bras.
The corset was dead.
The Warner Brothers Corset Company makes $15 million off of her patent alone.
- That's a lot of titties.
- I Here's the thing about Mary Phelps Jacob.
She never give a [bleep].
She was like Oh, okay.
I sold the patent.
Not gonna dwell on it.
I'm gonna open a publishing company that publishes every modern writer known to man.
Hemingway, James Joyce, Henry Miller, Edgar Allen Poe, uh uh there's so many more.
Someone look it up on an iPhone.
You'll see.
Then was writing pornography for money! And she was great at it.
And at the end of her life, someone asked her about, like, Hey, uh, you invented something.
And she said Yeah, yeah.
My invention it wouldn't take the place in history of something like the steamboat, but, yeah I invented the bra.
The bra is kind of a big [bleep]ing deal.
No one gives a [bleep] about a steamboat.
Do you know anyone who doesn't have a bra? - I do love bras.
- I can see.
- You have lots of - More than steamboats.
Sorry, bras.
- I'm allergic.
- You're allergic? I'm allergic to bras.
I didn't want to tell you.
Both: Stay tuned for more "Drunk History.
" - Bras! - Ow! Have you ever heard that Edison - made the movie camera? - I knew that.
- Yeah.
- But it was one of those things where you got all of these other people that are never gonna get any credit for it.
I guess you could call him the first patent troll.
- Yeah.
- You know? - That kinda thing.
- Yeah.
And I always say, every invention that comes out now, is just one more step to making you be all right if you lost your legs.
- To great inventors.
- To great inventors.
What are we drinking? - Vodka.
- There's a moth.
- There's so many - I wasn't swatting at you.
No, I know, I have a moth infestation.
- I see that.
- It's terrible.
I got to get a [bleep]ing - Classic - It's the worst! There's a I don't want to kill him, though.
- Why? - 'Cause they deserve to live.
There happen to be in the cave of a super-advanced monkey species that wants nothing more than to kill them just because they don't fit in.
To inventors.
Thank God for you.
Let's do this, man.
I feel so drunk.
Good day.
My name is Duncan Trussell and today we're gonna talk about Edison.
This story starts in New Jersey with Thomas Edison.
One of the great inventors of the time.
Known as "The Wizard of Menlo Park.
" He would get poor geniuses, gather them together, and he's like Just make stuff for me.
If it's good I'm gonna say it's mine.
You're gonna make money, so just do it.
An inventor by the name of Muybridge came to New Jersey, shows this incredible device.
He managed to take a bunch of pictures of a horse running and spin them on a cylinder in a way that gave it animation.
And Edison's like You know, great.
A hor a horse running.
Cool invention or whatever.
And then he's like We gotta [bleep]ing figure this [bleep] out because people are gonna wanna watch this stuff.
We gotta start working on this [bleep] right [bleep]ing now! And then in 1893 Edison is like I figured out how to do it, guys! I can I can photograph and make a movie.
We can make movies now.
I came up with the very first camera, the Kinetograph and I figured out a way to look at the strings of moving pictures a Kinetoscope, and it's all my idea.
My idea! He has people I'm too drunk.
Why would I take another drink? So Edison needed content for his Kinetoscopes and everything he was putting out was [bleep].
He's like Let's get [bleep]ing cats boxing, man, and then vaudeville scenes, people chasing each other.
Let's film a blacksmith's shop.
Everyone's gonna wanna see that.
Right, guys? Right? Right! And they filmed it.
People were into it, man.
Freaking out.
Everyone's like Have you been to the Kinetoscope parlor? Oh, you've got to go.
It's incredible! So people came to Edison, they're like Hey, look what we can do.
We can project images on the screen.
He's like Wow.
That's amazing.
I can't believe I invented that.
That's incredible.
I am so [bleep]ing smart! Let's patent this [bleep].
Movies take off.
People love it.
They went to these places called nickelodeons.
For a nickel you're in a Greek theatre.
Come on in! People would sit in those theatres and be like This is awesome.
So then Edison creates an industry town and everyone comes to Fort Lee to start making movies and Edison squeezes all of them.
He was like Join me in what we're gonna call The Edison Trust and all of you assholes can join together with me and we're gonna make it so that no other mother[bleep]ers make movies except us.
Got it? Write it down in your notebook.
And everyone's like Great, let's do it.
I don't want you to sue me, so I'll just agree to whatever you say because you're super-rich - and I just wanna make art.
So, great.
- Sounds good.
They created a monopoly on all filmmaking.
There was a a fellow by the name of Carl Laemmle.
He went to one of Edison's [bleep] shows.
He's like That is so bad.
People are paying a nickel to watch this [bleep]? Why don't we try to make our own movies? And so Carl Laemmle starts making movies.
He creates his own theatre and Edison's like No.
I'm sorry, you what are you doing? You're not allowed to make movies.
And you're definitely not allowed to show movies on my [bleep]ing equipment without paying me a [bleep]ing licensing fee.
How dare you? He sues Laemmle 284 times.
Laemmle's number one dream, I just wanna one day make enough money to take my family on a vacation in Europe.
And Edison is like I'm gonna squash you like a [bleep]ing bug.
I'm The Wizard of Menlo Park! Take your [bleep]ing family on a vacation up my ass! Oh, God, he was just he was just eating a turd in the yard.
Elon Musk, he's doing the opposite of what Edison did.
He's giving away his patents and it's no accident that Elon Musk's company is named after the guy that Edison f metaphorically mouth [bleep]ed.
Edison was a bastard! Imagine 284 law sues, man.
But Leammle was like [bleep] you! I'm gonna keep making these movies.
And Edison, faced with true opposition, started sending thugs to Leammle's movie theatres.
People were just sitting and enjoying movies and all of a sudden Edison thugs would come crashing through the door and be like [bleep] off! No one's watching this [bleep]! This is not an Edison film! They would go to the productions, beat up the [bleep]ing actors, but Laemmle didn't back down.
There's three guys who kept making movies.
Laemmle, Fox, and Zukor, and finally they realized, What the [bleep] are we doing in New Jersey? We're shooting films in New Jersey and on a daily basis getting sued and beaten up.
Let's get the [bleep] outta New Jersey.
How about we go to [bleep]ing Los Angeles where it's sunny all the time and you don't get your ass kicked by a dick.
That's That makes great sense.
That's a great idea.
They headed to L.
and those three heroes created Universal Studios, Fox, and Paramount.
The United States government recognized that the Edison Trust was a monopoly and they broke it up.
Uh, sorry, Edison, you can't have control over all film being made in the world.
If we let you have your way, then people would be looking at cats boxing until the planet blew up, you [bleep].
You're trying to ruin your species, and you don't even realize it, you greedy, reptilian [bleep] bag.
Still people are gonna think you're great, though.
No one's gonna know, so congratulations, demon.
I'm not saying inventors don't don't deserve to be rewarded for their inventions, but instead of suing people, you work with them and then the end result of that is the entire planet wakes up, we experience what's called the singularity, everybody gets dissolved by nanobots, and we travel through the universe as infinite beings of love.