Duckman (1994) s04e23 Episode Script

How to Suck in Business Without Really Trying

(muffled talking) MAN: Now that Variecom has acquired and/or merged with all of our competitors, we need a new property.
A lovable and enchanting character.
Now I know how successful Unca-Taffy-Tom-Tom has been since Variecom was founded.
(laughing) (gasping) Well, I think we all see the potential problem.
We need a new character, and pronto.
Our sophisticated audience research computer randomly generated a wisecracking detective with a pig partner and a wacky family-- Duckman.
(all grumbling) One small problem from legal.
Turns out there really is a guy named Duckman, who more or less matches our character's profile.
We've got to figure out how to get this guy to sign his life away.
MAN: Excuse me, sir.
Art DeSalvo, free-lance PR consultant down here in the cheap seats.
I just mightbe able to help you with that.
(chuckling) (laughing harder) (all laughing) (gasping) Oh, dear.
Cornwilliker, you know that pile of cash you gave me to spend any way I saw fit? You mean the money to pay the rent? Ha! Curious phrase.
Well, it was burning a Brando-sized hole in my pocket so I went and bought the first frivolous piece of electronic gadgetry I saw.
Behold! My new high-definition, DSS ready, Alyssa Milano-compatible, PAL-compliant, digitally adaptable, letter-box-conformed, in glorious mini-color.
Hmm.
Ay! Piece of junk! MAN: Ow! Hey, some dork threw away a TV that just needs batteries.
Suh-weet! Duckman, aren't you worried about these long-overdue bills? Of course I am.
That's why I called the shopping channel and ordered this faux-pressboard long-overdue-bill caddy.
Okay, it's handy.
But why did you order that tipsy hobo cowboy figurine from the Gene Barry Frontier Collection? What? Look at it! I mean, he's a cowboy hobo and he's tipsy.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
(giggling) Duckman, you have no money at all.
Your creditors are growing impatient.
Your phony spinal meningitis excuse won't keep the repo men away forever.
Ah, keep your hackles combed, Corn Syrup.
If I need money, I'll just sell something like, uh my immortal soul.
(distant screaming) Eh I'll pass.
Damn.
Worked for Cybill Shepherd.
Duckman, you've got to stop this senseless spending.
Work harder to generate business.
Write out a budget you can stick to.
Uh, have you seen the show before? All I need is some easy fix that will tide me over with some quick and greasy moolah.
You rang? (applause) (applause stops) I love this thing.
Art DeSalvo! Ask for it by name.
Duckman! Friend, neighbor, I was in the building to see my podiatrist-- my spring corn-scrape and all-- and with my ear pressed against your door, I couldn't help overhearing about your financial problems.
It makes me violently, gut-churningly ill to see you hassled by creditors! Those stinking, low-life bill collectors are scum, harassing decent people! Who don't pay their bills.
(growling) An excellent question, Duckman! Thank you.
Huh? The answer is simple.
With the right promotion, your name and persona could be worth a fortune.
Tell me-- have you ever considered selling yourself? You mean like as part of some kind of sex ring? Duckman, I think what Mr.
DeSalvo is referring to is the licensing of your image as part of an all-out, cross-platform marketing campaign.
Hey, let's not give up on the sex ring thing just yet.
Maybe with you and me, Corny-- kind of a Siegfried and Roy, spangled tights kind of deal.
Maybe a swing.
Just sign here and you'll never have to worry about money again, because you'll receive $1,000! Ooh, yeah! I can't wait! Hey, why does it say $200,000 here? Oh, uh, that's Latin.
"200" is Latin for "one.
" Careful, Duckman.
You know Art has always been a fast-talking, deeply cynical and completely amoral manipu Infidel! How dare you confuse Duckman with your blasphemy! Don't listen to him.
Go for it! Oops, sorry, Corny.
You made a good argument, but he said "Go for it.
" That's what people in the movies say when they're about to do something really successful.
I did it.
I did it! By God, I did it! * I've finally made it * * My dream has come true * I've finally made it * * The rest of you losers, good-bye, toodle-oo * * Just bear in mind * * That the contract you signed * * Has a teeny little catch * * That I guess you failed to catch * * I knew it * Knew you'd do it * * You'd fake and you'd take * * You're a snake, for God's sake * * You're to blame * * What's your game? * * I'm sorry you came * * It's always the same * * We're going to bring a lawsuit * * Wait, you old coot * The question is moot * Who the hell gives a hoot * I got a lifetime of loot * Yes, a lifetime of loot Hah! * I've finally made it * * My dream has come true * I've finally made it * * It's the ultimate lazy man's coup * * Ah, what a glorious morn-o * I could spend it with porno * * 'Cause it's just what I'm achin' to do * * Or I could just go get blotto * * That would sure hit the spot-o * ALL: * My dream of all dreams has come true * * Has come true * * Yes, I've finally * * He's finally * * I've finally * * He's finally * * I've finally made * * However, there's one thing to remember * * The name of Duckman * Is now the intellectual property of Variecom, and you are enjoined from ever using it in reference to yourself.
Also all properties bearing the name "Duckman" now belong to Variecom, including but not limited to the Duckman Detective Agency! Take 'er away! (engine starting) I did it again, didn't I? Mm-hmm.
Stupid welfare office.
Apparently, they only help people with names.
Now look at me-- my identity's stolen, my agency destroyed.
Well, they're not going to get away with this! The proud name of Duckman has been in my family for generations.
I got it from my father, he got it from his father, and he got it from the Justice Department.
I don't care what Variecom says.
They're not my boss! My name is Duckman and there's nothing they can do about it.
(growling) (grunting, blows landing) Then again, a contract is a contract.
(grunts) I'm sorry, Duckma Eric.
But look at the bright side.
At least you got some money out of the deal.
Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid with the money.
Beverly, please, you insult me.
If you must know, Muriel, my psychic pal, told me to send the money to her so she could exorcise any bad demons that might live within.
Thank goodness I still have TV.
(moans) (theme music playing) (whimsical music plays) (electrical crackling) I'll stick my finger in here.
Careful, Duckman, that wall socket's chock-full of electricity.
Thanks, Oinky! That would have been (electrical crackling) shocking.
You're no dim bulb.
Hee hee! (laughs) You know, gang, electricity is great, especially when it comes from the parent company of this network, Variecom.
VT-- we bring great stuff to you.
What the heck are you staring at? (laughing) (bell dings) (whimsical music plays) Hey, kids.
You love me? Sure, you do.
If I die, that'd be sad.
The only way to keep me alive is to order lots of official Variecom-licensed Duckman merchandise, all backed by our exclusive virtual guarantee and manufactured by boys and girls just like you.
That is, if you have a distended belly and flies on your lips and work 16 hours a day for some white rice and expired Tagamet.
(laughing) Remember, kids, tell your parents or legal guardians, "If you don't get me Duckman, I won't love you anymore," and then have them call Remember, the extra "one" stands for love.
I've never seen anything so thoroughly reprehensible; so utterly without any Oh, please, Duckman, don't die! Eric, hang up the phone.
Oh, wow, those Variecom sharpies are good all right, but maybe the Duckman thing will be a big flopola and then they'll give me my name back.
Don't tell me-- Duckmania is sweeping the country.
Like Roseanne in a long grass skirt.
Don't worry, The-Artist-Formerly- Known-As-Duckman.
It's just a passing fad, one that will pass in approximately ten years.
Of course, then it will be stamped retro kitsch by the next generation, thus renewing its appeal indefinitely.
But how'd they do this so quickly? They only bought my name last week.
Variecom made the Duckman phenomenon the cover story on the hundreds of magazines they own.
So the hundreds of magazines Variecom doesn't own ran "Is Duckman just media hype?" covers, which really cranked up the media hype.
The only non-Duckman cover was Readers Digest which went with "How to talk straight to your teenager about dungarees.
" (ringing) Hello.
WOMAN: Hi.
Is Duckman there? Yes, well, uh, I mean, no, he (caller shrieks with laughter) What the Bernice, is that you? I don't know.
It depends on if I was a complete idiot and sold my name! (shrieking laughter) What am I going to do? They shut down our agency, stole our very livelihood.
We're broke! Well, uh, actually, if you recall, I used to play keyboards for a Flock of Seagulls.
Since the '80s are hot again, I rang up Splice, Fleabo, Trevor and the other lads.
(gasps) We've got a 28-city tour with Men at Work Without Hats.
See you in September, Eric.
Are you okay? No.
No, Bev, I'm great.
I'm going to do what Oinky did.
I'll just find a new occupation.
Anything is possible.
After all, this is America where anyone can make their dreams come true as long as they're not black.
I've begged, I've stolen.
God forgive me, I even became an actor.
It's no use.
I'll have to rely on the Eric née Duckman clan learning to live frugally.
Dahh! Oh, this is awkward.
Sorry, Dad.
Yeah.
What can we say? When it comes to rampant consumerism, we're not made of stone.
It doesn't change how we feel about you.
Yeah, Dad.
I love you.
That's love with a capital one.
(rumbling) First my name.
Then my business.
Now my very home.
What am I going to do? (car door shuts, engine starts) (tires squealing) Have no fear, Eric.
DeSalvo to the rescue! I like what you've done with the place.
The interplay between the empty space and pockets of nothingness is very Southwestern.
Get to the point.
You're right.
Well, as your friend, I can't stand to see you suffering like this, and as your neighbor, it makes it a little hard to enjoy my Count Chocula, you know? Get to the point! I got you a job.
Really? I had to beat the bushes, pull a few strings, call in some markers, collect on a couple of favors, put my ear to the ground, get rough with my snitches.
Well, okay, actually, I just had my assistant make a phone call, but it's the result that counts.
Do you have what it takes to turn yourself around, to make your family swell with pride while delighting the world around you? To enter the noblest, most delightful profession of all time? Yes.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do! Then tell me, what is your name? Uh, Eric? Wrong! From this day forward, your name is Duckman! DUCKMAN: I can't believe Variecom pays all these people to dress up like the former me and that they run this corporate training center college-type thingy to teach us how to do it.
Oh, what the hell.
If I can't be the real real me, maybe I'll make some dough impersonating an imitation of the imitation real real me.
(dramatic music plays) What sort of things are known of Duckman? What sort of things are believed of Duckman? Look on these things so that ye shall know them and so that ye shall achieve always.
Who are you?! ALL: Duckman! I can't hear you.
ALL: Duckman! (crowd cheering) People have come up to me after my lectures and asked, "Dr.
Bob, how can I become a Duckman achiever?" Please don't call on me, please don't call on me, please don't call on me Look around you.
Come on, everyone, look at the person to your right.
Look to your left.
Of the three of you, only two will succeed at Duckman College.
The third will excel.
(crowd cheering) Yes.
Yes, I can.
Where's the rest of me? Leading with my chin.
Whoo! But all of you are absolutely vital to the success of this great adventure-- from the assistant apprentice janitor's assistant all the way up to senior vice president in charge of dumping unsafe Duckman products in Third World nations.
From the busboys at our Duckman-- dwaaah-- eat-till-you-spew lunch counters, to the man or woman who runs the hydraulic fat extruders at the Duckman bakeries, to the Duckman personal area cleansing technicians at our Duckman Home for Vegetative Senior Citizens, to the boy who tastes my food before I eat it.
Every single menial, mindless job is important because each one of us is Duckman and Duckman is each one of us-- so to speak! (crowd cheering) What's your name? I'm Duckman.
What's your name? Duckman.
What's your name? Duckm I mean, uh Eric.
Your name is Duckman.
I can't.
I mean, uh (yells) Ooh, ooh, stop! What's your name? Duckman.
(electrical crackling) AUDIENCE: Ah Yes.
Yes, Lord, I am Duckman.
* I've finally made it * * My dream has come true * I've finally made it * Hey, how are ya? Nice to see ya.
* I've gotta succeed * * I'm gonna * * Suc (sobbing) The company's downsizing.
We're all fired.
(moaning) Say, wait a minute-- we can't give up.
Remember what Dr.
Bob said? Okay, Dr.
Bob said a lot of things and they're kind of tough to remember.
But one thing I know-- we're not quitters, we're Duckman! And we don't let little things like being fired get in our way.
We never let our little things get in our way.
Let 'em take my job, my home, my family, my partner, my name.
They'll never take my Wait.
What's left? My me! Yes, I still got me-- the original magnificent bastard.
I'm back, baby, and that puny little world out there better look out, 'cause I'm going to Variecom to get my name back.
* I'm gonna succeed! * He's right.
I'm going to go tell my wife I want to have sex twice a month.
Yeah.
And I'm going to go to NBC and demand new episodes of Cheers.
And I'm going to go home, cover my windows with Bible pages, shave my head, buy some guns and go kill everyone who ever treated me bad.
(cheering) Somewhere in that rococo phallus of a building is the head cheese of this outfit, and I'm going to march right in and get my name back.
(door opens) What th? Who are you? What are you doing here? Excellent question, Colonel Baltic Von Pennybags.
I'm Duckman.
Oh, you're one of those Duckman mascots.
Boy, we've got to rework those costumes.
That's not right at all.
This isn't a costume.
I am Duckman! Your lackey DeSalvo tricked me into selling me to your company.
I was treated like a commodity, like stainless steel adjustable scrotum clamps, or triple-X black market German nudist videos, or that stuff they put in cars to make 'em go.
The point is, for a while there, I lost my identity, my sense of who I am and what I stand for.
People are not human resources or work force units or intangible assets.
They're people, and they want to take pride in what they do, so when they retire, they can say "I did something that mattered and the people I worked for noticed and appreciated it.
" That was beautiful.
Your eloquent speech, filled with homespun common sense and concisely presented, has moved me.
Really? I hereby give you your name back.
From now on, you-- and only you-- are Duckman.
What about the cartoon and the merchandise and everything? We'll just go to the next audience-tested name on our list: Bernice.
We should talk.
Give me a call later.
I'm in the book under "Duckman.
" That's right: Duckman.
I got my identity back.
I got my name back.
* I've finally made it * * My dream has come true * I'm Duckman, I'm Duckman, I * Hey, some guy named George S.
Aronovitz dropped a wallet full of money.
That's me! Right here! I'm George S.
Aronahanna.
That's my wallet.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah.
Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo! That's me! Hup, hup, hup.
(Duckman laughing) Right here.
Yippee-yi-ki-yi! DeSALVO: Ask for it by name.