Due South (1994) s01e14 Episode Script

The Man Who Knew Too Little

-Got the extradition papers? -They should all be in order.
-Your bosses must be in a real hurry to get him back to Canada.
What did he do? -He's wanted for perjury.
Apparently he was a key witness in a murder trial and he changed his testimony on the stand.
It resulted in a mistrial.
Is he here? -Huey and Louie are bringing him over from lockup.
I hear he's quite the character.
He got pulled over for running a red light.
He tried to convince them he was taking a short cut in the Cross-Canada Rally.
If he'd kept his mouth shut, they might never have called INS.
-Elaine, can you find out what the weather's like in Florida? -Do I look like a travel agent? -Hey Benny, you ever been to the Sunshine State? -I can't say that I have, Ray.
- Yo! You guys want to move, or you want to find out what fine Italian footwear tastes like? -Thank you kindly.
-I just hear that it's the rainy season, and I don't want to get all the way down there and get stuck in some kind of monsoon or something.
-Ray, I thought you'd used up all your vacation time.
-No-no-no, this is not a vacation.
This is a plum just waiting to be picked! You see, the district sends one detective from each division to go down to Miami to listen to some lecture on advanced weaponry, and I plan to be said detective.
-So it's assigned on the basis of merit? -No, it's assigned on the basis of who can suck up to the Lieutenant the most without making it obvious.
Cappuccino, sir? -What do you think of this shirt? -What, that? I think you'll look pretty silly in it sitting behind your desk while I'm in Florida.
-Sorry, pal.
This little baby here is my ticket to fun in the sun! -It's strange you guys mentioned Florida, because my family has a home in the Keys.
So if you want to use it, just let me know.
-Shut up! What do you got? -What do you got? -Orchestra seats to La Bohème.
- Eh, I'll send you a postcard.
-We'll see about that.
-So, you really thought you could get this assignment by sucking up to me, Detective? -Oh no, sir.
A man of your considerable intelligence would see right through that, sir.
-Decaf? -Uh, no, sir.
-Ah.
Thanks anyway.
-No problem, sir.
I just happened to be passing the espresso bar on the way to work, sir.
-Where can I find an espresso bar in a ten block radius? -Well, there's a small one-- -All right, great.
Come on.
-You got him real Cuban cigars? No way.
How'd you get your hands on them? -Let's just say one of the girls in the evidence room thinks I have sensitive eyes.
-Really.
-A moment, sir? -I bet he's a goner! -Aw, hey, come on man, he didn't mean it literally.
-What you looking at? -What's your problem? -It's just that I had these two tickets to the opera and I thought I might be out of town tomorrow night.
-That's very generous of you.
-Do you smoke cigars, sir? You're going to think this is a very strange coincidence but uh -Cubans, Gardino! -You boys wouldn't be in any way trying to influence my decision on which officer makes that Miami-- -No, sir! -Absolutely not, sir! -Because uh, I make it a rule to disqualify any officer who gives me an expensive present of any sort in the last month.
I mean just to avoid any appearances of impropriety.
You understand, of course.
-I have reason to suspect that these are uhdomestic, sir.
-Really? -Yeah, where it says Havana? If you look closely, the ink is smudged.
-Actually the tickets are for the twentieth row, sir.
Matinee.
On the other hand, the cigars look real to me.
-Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Watch your back, watch your back.
Thank you.
Working man, coming through.
I got a deadline.
-Detective Huey and Gardino.
Were you escorting a prisoner here for extradition? -Ah yes sir, he's uh I hate to say this, sir, but I believe my partner didn't handcuff him properly.
-Me? It's your cuffs, you ferret-faced little-- -Hey! Hey! You guys misplace something? -Detective Vecchio, have you caused a riot yet this morning? -Not that I'm aware of, sir.
-Good.
Gardino, give him your shirt.
-Woooo! I'm going to Miami! -I have two days to drive down there, one day at the lecture and two days to drive back.
That's five days out of which three I gotta spend on the beach -Ray, Miami's 1,387 miles from here.
That's 26 hours driving time each way.
-Okay, so at a 120 miles an hour that's 13 hours.
I save a day.
-Uh, yes, I need to fly to Detroit today, and I will be transporting a prisoner.
-Fraser, you do not need to tell everybody everything.
-Five days notice.
Uh, no, I wasn't aware of that.
All right.
Well, thank you very much for your time.
Ray, do you think you can drop us at the train station on your way? -You know, you are wasting Canadian taxpayers dollars, okay? Cause you're going to get me there, and they're gonna take one look at me and they're gonna say, 'You got the wrong guy.
' and then they're going to let me go.
-Don't talk to him; he's calculated.
Okay, so at 95 miles an hour, how long is that going to take? -I can't tell you that, Ray.
It would recklessly endanger the lives of thousands of motorists.
-Okay, so say 90.
-Good morning.
Constable Benton Fraser RCMP.
I called earlier to inquire about transporting a prisoner to Windsor, but your lines were busy.
-You want to transport a prisoner? -Wanted for train robbery, murder one and escape from maximum security prison.
I'll be no trouble at all.
-Well, I can't very well gag him, Ray.
-Fraser, this man is not your problem.
He's an accused felon and a compulsive liar.
-I am an innocent victim of circumstance.
-Shut up! -Know what your problem is, Fraser? You can't go around compulsively telling people the truth.
They just don't want to hear it.
-Now you see, there I'd have to disagree with you.
-Shut up! -Hey, Bank of Illinois.
My dad owns that, you know.
Well, part owner.
He orchestrated the whole deal, to tell the truth.
I mean, the Rockefellers started it but then he bought it.
But I'm telling you something: that has been one hell of an investment, cause in the mid-sixties there was a little bit of trouble there.
But I tell you, right now with the EC and everything going on, he's really doing well.
-Shut up! -Well, I explained the situation to him, and he was extremely helpful.
-Did he rent you a car? -No, but he doesn't have any.
-What do you mean he doesn't have any? There's gotta be a hundred cars on this lot.
-Unfortunately they're all reserved.
I didn't realize Spiro Agnew's birthday was that widely celebrated.
Also I thought it was in November.
-You know, my mother had an affair with Spiro Agnew, but it was all hushed up, or course, which is why they wouldn't let me in the Secret Service -This is a 1971 mint condition Buick Riviera.
-You know, Ray, you really don't have to do this.
I'm sure I can find someone who will lend me a car.
-How many people have we asked? -Well, uh, basically everyone I know.
It does seem rather curious that they've all decided to leave town at exactly the same time.
-It uses top octane fuel, 20-weight oil.
-Ray! This is silly.
How are you going to get to Florida? -I'll fly.
It'll be worth the six hundred bucks to get rid of you.
-Are you aware that the gas tank in this particular make of car explodes on impact? -You wanna ride in the trunk? -Ray, you know, I appreciate this offer, I really do, but you have some kind of special bond with this vehicle.
I'm not saying I understand it, but I do respect it.
-Shut up before I change my mind.
Now, in the care and operation of this vehicle, there is one thing to remember and hold above all else.
Never--I repeat never--use the lighter.
Of all the original parts in this car, it was the most difficult to replace.
It took me seven years to find that lighter.
And since I've owned it? It's never been depressed.
-Then how do you know it works? -I know in my soul.
Do not adjust the passenger seat, open up the glove box or use anything other than the preset radio buttons.
-I'll take good care of your car, Ray.
-Don't worry about a thing.
Really.
-One final piece of advice.
The man sitting across from you is a felon.
-Accused! Accused! -Do not trust him, do not talk to him, do not listen to him, and most of all, do not think of him as a human being.
Think of his as a parcel that needs to be delivered, and you will be okay.
Do you understand? -I'll do that, Ray.
-Have a nice trip.
-Thank you, Ray.
-Thanks.
Bye-bye.
-Oh, uh, Ray? What's the best way to get to the I-90 from here? -Oh don't worry, I know.
I'll show you.
-Thanks, Ray.
Bye-bye.
-Hi, Ray.
-How far is it from Windsor to Miami? -Ray, this really isn't necessary.
-Just answer the question.
-1,314 miles.
-Okay, we drop the guy off you take the bus back and I'm only 4 hours behind schedule.
- Well not quite.
Four hours and twenty minutes.
Still have to pick up Diefenbaker.
-They left Chicago in the cop's car.
Green 1971 Buick Riviera.
There's the plate number.
-They'll be taking the interstate.
We should get to them before they reach Battle Creek.
-Thought I told you to pay him.
-I tried.
He wouldn't take Canadian.
-What do we have left in the cooler? -The sandwiches are for later.
-Well can I have a pop? -My hands are cuffed behind me and I'm strapped into a seatbelt.
What if we get into an accident? -Shut up! -I think we're lost.
Are you sure know where we are? -Yeah, halfway between freedom and incarceration.
You keep your eye on that map.
I want a state by state countdown until we get to Winnipeg.
-Windsor.
-Yeah like there's a difference.
Damn! I should have brought the snow chains.
Do we really got to cross the border? -Yes, Ray.
Although you know, I imagine they'll have a dogsled at the bridge, in case we should get stuck.
-See? That's some kind of facetious Canadian humor.
The kind of thing that must really knock 'em dead up around the baithouse in New Foundland.
-Sorry, Ray.
-Would you - back off! Get off me! What is he? Deaf? -Yes.
You know, I think he feels sorry for you.
He senses you're in some kind of trouble, he'd like to help.
You see, wolves have a very difficult time understanding the idea of incarceration.
-Undo my seatbelt.
Yeah! -But they do understand the law, don't they Diefenbaker? So, Ray, once you drop us off at Windsor, your trip to Miami should be fairly simple.
You take highway 18 west toward Leamington, then catch the ferry-- -Ferry?! Is Florida on an island? -No.
This is the shortest way across Lake Erie.
You know, you might want to call ahead for the shedule.
-What's a shed-u-wal? -It's like a schedule.
-It's every hour on the half hour.
-I'll phone.
-And then you get on the 250, travel one hundred and nine kilometers-- -Kilometers? Look Fraser, when we cross the border you can start talking in Canadian.
Until then, let's stick to English, okay? -You know, Ray, actually it's quite simple.
Converting kilometers to miles, you simply multiply by five-eighths; so a hundred and nine kilometers would obviously be sixty-eight and an eighth miles.
Strictly speaking it'd be sixty-seven point sixty-nine miles, but still, the five-eighths rule is a very handy general guide.
-You know, I know the guy who invented kilometers.
-And then from Milan, which parenthetically most people tend to mispronounce Mi-lan, you would stay on the 250 through Norwalk-- -I go south, okay? That's all I need to know.
I go south! -I have to go to the bathroom.
-Well, you can go in Canada.
-Ray! -Well, I understand.
You know, my father use to hate to stop.
I remember once driving through Pruett to a peace conference in Machu Picchu-- -You know what, McDonald? I don't think you ever had a father.
-Were you driving from Ayacucho or from Cuzco? -Actually no.
From Lima -How fast are you going, Ray? -Not fast enough.
-Could we go a little faster? Those kids in that bus were laughing at us.
It's one of those little short buses.
-I think I'm already speeding.
These stupid road signs.
What's sixty times eight-fifths? -Ninety-six.
-Ray, I think that was a state trooper traveling in the westbound lane.
-This is the U-S of A, Fraser, cops do not ticket other cops.
Now just keep your eye on the map.
-Sign! -Learn how to drive!! Some people, huh? -Well, perhaps they weren't expecting someone to come up behind them at roughly ninety-three miles an hour, Ray.
-Hey, isn't that what defensive driving is all about? Assuming the other guy is going to do something stupid? -Whoo! That did it.
My kidneys are gone.
We have to find a washroom.
-We don't have washrooms in America.
We have restrooms.
The minute I see a sign that says washroom, we'll pull over.
What are you doing? -Well I-I thought I'd read that.
-That's the original manual! Do not open that! -You've never read this? -No, I've never cracked it's spine! -I cracked my spine once.
-No one's listening to you, and no one cares.
-Punctured my kidney, which is why I-- -Shut up! Which is why you need to shut up! We'll stop when we need gas.
-Oh we'll stop before that.
-Wanna bet? -Yeah, well you have a real nice day, too.
I'm starting to understand why people hate cops.
-He's just doing his job, Ray.
-Is it too much to ask that a person to be allowed to relieve himself? -Look, you and I both know you're stalling for time.
If you really had to go you could have gone back there.
I've already lost twenty minutes of pool time.
We're not stopping! -Is this the original upholstery? -It's really quite simple.
To convert from miles to kilometers, you simply multiply by eight-fifths.
So the fifty-five mile an hour limit obviously converts to eighty-eight kilometers per hour.
-I appreciate the warning, officer -You folks have a nice trip.
-Thank you, officer.
-Nice folks, Canadians.
You hear such stories.
-It's not happening.
There's too much pressure.
-Ya got ten seconds before I start pumping bullets through this door.
-This really isn't a conducive atmosphere for what I'm trying to accomplish here, okay? -Perhaps if you tried running the water.
-Do you have helpful hints for everything? -It's really not my fault.
I've got a little bit of a shy bladder-- -You guys getting hungry? -Forget it.
-Aw come on, I haven't eaten since the lockup.
I know my rights.
You have to feed me every six hours.
-Yeah, well it's only been five.
-Six.
We passed a time zone.
-That doesn't count.
Fraser you tell him.
-Well, actually Ray, the legal scholars seem to be fairly equally divided on this point.
One argument extended to it's logical conclusion would provide that if you were traveling west at a rate of speed high enough to cross one time zone every hour, then you would never actually have to feed a prisoner.
That is, of course, until you cross the International Dateline, at which point you'd have to force the prisoner to immediately consume four meals.
Now the contrary position -All right, you got ten minutes to eat, unless there's a time zone between here and the counter.
-I don't believe this.
I've been looking for this place for fifteen years.
My dad and I use to come here all the time.
That's our booth.
Right there.
That was our booth! -Yeah, well from now on we'll call this our counter.
Grab a stool.
-This is it, officer.
Right here.
I don't know how it happened really.
I mean, uh, one second he was just fine; the next thing you know his throat just closed up on him.
I got lucky, cause I just managed to puke it up all over the table.
Look-look-look.
Look.
There's still pieces on the chair.
Right there.
Sir, take off your pants, you're sitting in evidence there.
-Um, he's not telling the truth, no.
We-we have no need for your pants.
Perhaps I should follow them.
Tell them there's no danger.
-I'll send 'em a postcard.
Come on.
Let's sit down and eat.
Hello.
Yello.
Yo, Miss! -This place hasn't changed a bit.
See, my dad was a sales rep, so three, four times a year we had to go to South Bend.
-Oh miss.
Excuse me, miss? Uh, miss? Yo! Yo! -We'd leave Kitchener at the crack of dawn.
And by the time lunchtime came around, I mean I was starving.
And you know, he'd always want to stop someplace else, but I'd say no, I wanted to wait 'til we get here, because it's like our place.
- Curious.
If you'd taken the interstate I would have thought you'd be here in about five hours.
-Fraser, the man is lying, it's just another story.
You want to do something useful? Throw a flying tackle into the waitress the next time she passes you.
Hey! Can we order here?! -They make the best pancakes in the world.
They use to have this turntable right in the middle of the table with six different types of syrup.
Air conditioning blasting, the syrup was always warm.
-Odd.
The windows face north.
-You boys ready to order? -No, let's go straight to the check.
What's the fastest thing on the menu? -I'll have the blueberry pancakes.
-No pancakes.
-Of course you have pancakes.
-You see pancakes on the menu? -Right.
Hamburgers all around.
-Look, do you think you could ask him to make me some pancakes? I used to come here when I was a kid.
-Then you'll know we've never served pancakes.
You want everything on them? -Yeah.
-I hate pickles.
-Pick 'em off.
-I'm telling you, it was Alaska.
-It wasn't Alaska, it was Nebraska.
-It was Alaska.
It was yellow and shaped like a polar bear and said 'Alaska.
' -Alaska is gold and blue.
The Northwest Territories is shaped like a polar bear.
-If you two don't shut up, I'm pulling the car over right now and I'll shoot you both.
-I got 'em.
-This better be Illinois plates on a Buick Riviera.
-Yeah.
At the restaurant.
-That's good, Norman.
Nice work.
-You better eat that burger, cause we're not stopping again.
-I had a hiding space down here.
I used to flip out the baseboard and leave stuff there.
You know, toy solders and marbles.
-Are you telling that story for my benefit? Because A, I don't believe it, and B, I don't care.
-They must have fixed it.
-I don't think this is the place you're looking for Ian.
-Yeah.
Who cares, you know? -You remember when you said the syrup was always warm in the afternoon? That would indicate westerly facing windows which means the highway had to run north and south.
The most direct route to South Bend would have been highway 12, a slower road, which would have put you past Hillsdale by approximately one o'clock.
Now if I recall from the map correctly, that highway dips south about 16 miles west of that community.
So actually Ian, I think you're off by about 45 miles.
-Do you believe everything that people tell you? Huh? How do you get through a day?! -Did I tell you he was yanking your chain? -My mistake.
-You look after the car.
-Are you allright? -Yeah.
-Go get the car, Ray.
-Are they coming? -I don't see them.
-Did you see that? They tried to kill me! -Yeah, the bullets tipped me off.
-You got 'em? -Just a second.
-'Kay, I got 'em.
-There should be a state police post in Battle Creek.
-Forget it! -Ray, we have to report this.
-Look, Fraser, there must have been a dozen people back at that roadhouse.
I guarantee that somebody called it in.
If we go in there, they're going to keep us there for hours making out reports.
-Ray, they opened fire inside a restaurant.
We can't weigh that against a couple hours driving time.
-Okay, here's what happens.
We go in there, they call Welsh.
I don't get to go to Florida and you don't get your prisoner to Canada.
-Still I-- -I think I see them! -Look we can't just pull off and start driving around in circles and looking for help.
I mean, how long do you think it'll take 'em to catch up to us? -Well, if we keep going in a straight line, we're not exactly going to be difficult to find.
-Oh, they're behind that truck! -I think they turned right.
-Where? -Back there.
-All right, McDonald, you want to tell us who wants you dead, excluding the immediate occupants of this car? -You wouldn't believe me.
-That I believe.
-They're rogue Mounties.
The RCMP does not want me to testify.
-I don't think they could be Mounties, Ian.
The man in the hat appears to be in his mid fifties, so he would have had to join up when the height requirements were still in place, and would have narrowly missed qualifying.
-His nickname is Stumps.
He chased a guy through a lumber mill and lost 3 inches off his legs.
-Here.
Don't slap him, shoot him.
-All right, fine.
You want the truth? You heard about the Basque separatist movement? -Next! -All right fine, you want the real truth? Here it is.
Those guys are part of the Canadian mob.
-There's no such thing! -On the contrary, Ray, organized crime is a growing problem in Canada.
-Oh yeah, what are we talking about here? Conspiracy to commit jaywalking? Organized littering? -The guy in the hat? Danny 'The Bull' Brock.
One of his guys sticked him on account, so he took him into an alley and shot him eight times.
-So is that one time with eight bullets or eight separate times? Because in America, after the third trip down the same alley, we'd start to get a little suspicious.
-I happened to be looking out my window into the alley.
-Yeah, what? All eight times? -Hey, I saw him do it.
So the cops found out and they made me testify.
-Oh, and on the stand you-you-- wait, don't tell me-- you lied? -Look, these guys can get you anywhere, okay? I was protected around the clock and I still managed to find a note under my pillow.
So, I fingered somebody elseexcept that he happened to be in jail at the time of the murder.
-Yeah, and that was very entertaining.
So what's your next story? We're being pursued by plain-clothed toreadors? -Ray, this road isn't on the map.
-It's going East.
That's all I need to know.
All right, here's a little trick they don't teach you in drivers ed.
-Where are they? Where are they? -I don't know.
-What do you mean you don't know? -I was a driving instructor once.
-Shut up! All right, now you two rock back and forth when I gun the engine.
-No, no, no, you're just digging yourself in deeper.
-I'm afraid he's right, Ray.
-YahhhhhWell, it looks worse than it really is.
My shoe! Mother Nature just ate my shoe! -You want me to get it for you, Ray? -No.
What I want is for us to get out of this ditch, drop this psychopath off and drown my sorrows in coconut milk!! This is what I want, okay? This is what I really want.
And a flip-flop.
Okay, you two push it out and I'll rock us out of here.
-You're taking me to jail and you expect me to help you out? I don't think so.
-Just get back there and push.
-Well, we can't actually make him do that Ray.
Forced labor is against the Geneva Convention.
-Yeah well, somebody's got to push it, somebody's got to drive, and I've only got one shoe.
-I'll drive.
-The hell you will! -All right, suit yourself.
-Ray.
-All right, all right, we'll push it out.
-You expect me to drive like that? -Yeah, but not too far.
All right.
On three! -Gimme that.
You broke it.
-Probably double-backed.
Son of a -I said three! -My foot cramped.
-All right.
Oh! Ray, look! Look I think I found -All right, I think we should have enough traction here.
-Okay, let's try it again on one.
ONE! Okay, stop the car, smart guy! Stop the car! -I can't! I can't! My legs cramped up! -Stop the car, you slime-sucking toad! -You better undo these things.
-You can go to hell! Fraser! -Ow-ow-ow! My leg, ow! -Damn! -They know where we are.
-What? -There's a tracking device on the car.
If we don't get to him fast, they'll find him, they'll kill him.
-It's not going to happen, Fraser, cause I've got first dibs.
-I'm going to find my shoe.
-Um.
About your shoe -I got 'em.
They're heading north.
-Do you know how many mint condition '71 Buick Rivieras are left on the road? Almost none.
This man stole something from me that is almost irreplaceable.
-And easily identifiable.
Which means he can't use the freeways.
He knows Brock is after him.
He has to assume we'll have put out an APB.
So his only option is to find someplace to hide until dusk, and then travel at night.
-Oh that narrows down the search to every barn, garage or haystack in the greater Michigan area.
-Every barn has a farmer, Ray, and every garage has an owner.
Without time and friends, it's not that easy to find someplace to hide.
He's wanted on both sides of the border by both sides of the law.
He's got nowhere to run.
-He dents it, I'll kill him.
-My father said something that's always stuck with me, Ray.
-You father never shut up, did he? -He said 'A man with no future will always run to his past.
' -And when did this come up, Fraser? Were you sitting around at breakfast when he came up with these things? Or did he come running into your room and just blurt 'em out? -Ray.
There's no need to be sarcastic.
-No, I'm just curious.
How did he work these things into everyday conversation? Did he say, 'Son, did you see the size of that moose? And by the way, a man with no future will always run to his past?' -Ray.
I'm sorry about your shoe.
I thought you didn't want it anymore.
-You know what my father used to say? 'A man without a car is nothing.
' And I don't want to be nothing anymore, Fraser - it's hard on my socks! -He went that way.
-Why? Does a man with no future always turn left? -No, he's gone to find the pancake house.
-There is no pancake house.
It's a lie, just like everything else that's come out of his mouth.
-I don't think so, Ray.
People tell lies for a number of different reasons.
Because they are ashamed, because they are insecure, sometimes because they are in trouble.
But they always hope to gain something from their lie.
Money, prestige, pity, sometimes even freedom.
His story about the pancake house, he stood nothing to gain by it.
He told it because it's true.
He let us see a little glimpse of who he really is, then he got angry because we saw that.
That pancake house exists.
It's maybe the only place around here where he feels safe.
I think he's gone to find it.
-I bet he used my lighter.
-All right.
Here we go.
-Need a lift? -Oh yes, thank you! -Not you.
Which way you going? -Oh well, we're traveling together, ma'am.
-Ditch him.
-I'll go without him.
-Not likely.
Too bad.
If you ever get to Miami, just ask for Rhonda.
-See that? Women always judge you by your shoes.
-Well, I don't think she was sincere in her invitation, Ray, I mean, how could a young woman possible be known by her first name in such a large city? -Fraser, your father taught you nothing, you know that? Okay.
Enough is enough.
I'm the law and I need a lift.
-Uh, Ray, I don't think he can possibly read your badge from this distance.
-But I could be wrong.
-Well, they can read this! -Ray, brandishing a weapon is not going to encourage motorists to come to our aid.
-Fraser, look at me: I have one shoe, I am covered in mud and I'm standing with a wolf and a guy dressed like who knows what? No one in their right mind is going to stop and give us a lift without the threat of deadly force! -You folks stranded, eh? -Canadian? -Go on, eh? How'd you know? -Now, we're officers of the law, sir, and we're pursuing an escaped perjurer.
We'd very much appreciate a lift.
-Well, hop on in.
-Thank you kindly.
-It's a sick country you have, Fraser.
-Damn Americans! They never signal! -They turned.
-Which way? -That way.
-I can't see when you point in the back seat.
-Left.
-Here? -Yes, here.
-It would be a pancake house off Highway 12 near Hillsdale.
-Well, we're headed for a mall right near there.
-You have such wonderful malls in the States.
-We mapped out the whole route on our home computer, eh? Three states, six malls, one day! -Oh goodness would you look at that.
More stranded motorists with guns.
-Floor it, buddy, floor it! -America's just getting more violent all the time.
-It's television, eh? That's why I like our fine Canadian programming.
-Jeez! -You guys need some help? -You guys need a ride, we're coming right past here on the way back.
-Oh thanks, we'll be fine.
-If you're ever in Sarnia, drop by.
-Thank you kindly.
-Thanks.
-Fraser, If I'm ever in Sarnia, shoot me with a big gun.
There she is! Oh baby.
Oh baby.
Oh baby, did he hurt you? Did he hurt you? -I didn't even see anything.
-I'm sorry? -In the alley.
I was in my apartment.
I just didn't look out my window.
I didn't see anything.
Didn't hear anything.
-But you told the police you did.
-They came looking for witnesses.
I was there when it happened so they said I must have seen something.
I couldn't help myself.
Look at this.
I thought I'd stashed something valuable here.
You know some money, some jewelry.
.
Look at this junk.
You know we would travel for hours to get here.
He'd say maybe two words to me.
Then we'd get here and he'd give me some money and tell me he'd be back.
He left me here for hours.
Sometimes overnight.
You know, the only reason that he took me was so that my mother wouldn't know he was cheating on her! And she would always ask me what we did and where we went, and he would tell me what to say.
Now she had to be the most gullible person in the world.
I mean, I could have told her that we went to the moon, and she would have believed me.
Not too bright.
She thought I was going to be somebody.
I think she would be proud.
What do you think? -Is that why you said you'd seen the murder? To be somebody? -Look.
I am just telling you an amusing anecdote.
This is a very very sad story, my friend.
Hoping maybe you would feel sorry for me and let me go.
You do have to appreciate the irony of the situation.
I mean, I tell a lie and say I saw Danny the Bull do it, and I go free.
I tell the truth - that I saw absolutely nothing - and they're never going to believe me.
I'll go to jail for perjury.
That's the story of my life.
-Everybody down-down-down! -Get up-get up-get up! -Hey, Ian, come out here, we want to talk to you! -I think I got the windshield.
-Every little bit helps, Ray.
-Oh, great.
We'll be dead, but they'll have really poor visibility.
-Okay.
I'll cover, you go out the back door and circle around.
-There is no back door.
-Yeah, like I'm suppose to believe that? -You're right.
I'm on their side! -Any ideas? -The only access is to the side and front windows, and they have those covered.
You know, Ray, if you could lay down enough withering fire, I think I can make it to the car.
-I only got one bullet left.
-That's all we're gonna need.
-Yeah, if we can get 'em to line up straight.
-No-no.
When I was flipping through the service manual of your car, I discovered that your gas tank is only eleven inches from your rear fender.
-You opened my manual? -Only for three seconds.
Now one bullet surely can penetrate the tank and spark an explosion.
-I was right? -Yeah, and luckily you'll both be taking that information to the grave.
-What we need to do is get the other two close enough to be hit by the explosion.
-But there's two guys behind their car.
Why can't I just shoot it? -Well I didn't read their manual, Ray.
-I can get them to the car.
-Oh yeah, like we can trust you.
-Look I was just offering to help.
If you don't want me to, fine! -Oh, feeling a little remorse are we? A little guilt for leaving us stranded out in the middle of nowhere to freeze to death? Well, it's too late, pal.
God could see right through your feeble attempts at redemption when you think that the end is near.
Trust me, it wouldn't do you any good.
-You speaking from personal experience? Look, I haven't done a whole hell of a lot in my life that benefited anybody but myself, and for once, I was going to do something for somebody else! Forget I mentioned it! -Oh very poignant.
I got tears in my eyes.
The only problem is we both know if we let you out, you cut a deal with them to let you go, you get us killed.
-I don't think so, Ray.
I think we can trust him.
-No, you can't.
-Yes, we can.
-No other way? -No.
Although, you know, maybe it would be easier if I shot your car.
-No-no-no.
I can do it.
No funny business or I miss the car and aim straight for you.
Capisce? -Mr.
Brock! It's Ian.
How you doing? Okay, here's the deal.
I come out with the car keys and you let me disappear.
I just go, I don't testify, they tell their bosses I escaped and everybody goes away happy.
You think you can live with that? -Let me think about it! Dump him in the trunk.
Okay, Ian! -As soon as you get close enough, dive for cover.
He'll shoot.
-Of course, you know, if you'd rather I shot the car-- -Just get out the door! -He's getting closer.
He's almost there.
-My hand is shaking.
-Uh, Ray.
-Right now would be quite a good time.
-You all right? -Yeah, yeah, I used to be a stuntman for awhile.
-Just stop at customs, I'll explain the situation.
-Ya, we do this all the time.
Just let me do the talking.
Nothing to declare.
-Well we well as a matter of fact-- -Get out of the car, please.
-Well, they think there was a short in the electrical system Uh, no, I'm fine, sir Well, it may take some time to find some of the parts, sir.
Yeah.
Thank you.
He's sending Elaine to Miami.
-I'm so sorry, Ray.
-Would it be against the law to get us a cruller? -Trying to decide what you're going to do? -Between lying and going to jail? That's a tough one.
-It is, actually.
You can keep deceiving people so they think you are somebody, or you can be somebody.
-Everybody needs to be somebody sometime.
-There was a person your mother thought you could be.
What do you think he'd do? -You have any trouble with him? -No.
-Okay, let's get on the road then.
-See you in a few years.
-What's the quickest way to get back on the highway? -Oh, don't worry, I'll show you.
Make a left.
-Ray, I think we should have turned him over to the Canadian authorities.
-Hey, if they want him they can dig him out of an American jail.
Come on, stick out your thumbs! -You're certain all the rental cars were taken? -Hey don't blame me, I never heard of your damn Maple Syrup Day.
-I'm sure it's this way.
Make a left.
Now I got it.
Straight ahead, straight ahead.