Eagleheart (2010) s03e06 Episode Script

Joe

(groans) Are we somewhere? I got to use the can.
Well, I'm sure they have one inside, dear.
Just check for cameras.
I think Chuck Berry owns this joint.
Yeah, I know.
(chuckles) She is so sweet.
Hi, uh, can you fill it up with ethyl and then just top it off with a little amyl? I like my exhaust leaky.
(sucks teeth) (clicks tongue) Maybe there's some place in town we can stay the night.
Taking these two sodas, Smokey.
Here's a nickel to keep your mouth shut.
(nickel clinks) Rat-a-tat-tat, boom, boom, baby! - (chuckles) - (scoffs) I'm not gonna stay in this 2 1/2-bit town.
They obviously have some sort of dumbass rat pack-revival, hell's-a-poppin' crap going on here - Chris Monsanto! - Oh, crap.
Uh Listen, just, uh, aim for my face, will you? I don't want to look too pretty when those morgue pervs get their hands inside me.
(chuckles) - Martin Sheen! - (chuckles) How you doing? Gosh, you know, I've always been such a big, big fan of yours.
Oh, same here, Mr.
Sheen.
Same here.
And-- and this is, um, Susie.
And, uh, the desk over there is our friend captain.
Hey.
Who is this, uh, sweet young lady here? Oh, well, this, uh, little morsel is called Trish.
(French accent) Oh, ho, ho ! Mon amie ! (smooches) (giggles) The legendary Sheen charm.
(chuckles) (normal voice) Hey, you know, I'm doing this cop movie, and I wonder if you'd do me a favor.
Let me ride along with you for a little bit just to kind of feel the character.
Oh, geez, Mr.
Sheen.
We'd love to help you out, but unfortunately we're not marshals anymore.
- We're fugitives.
- (gasps) I'm doing a fugitive movie, too! (laughs) Hey, buy me lunch.
I'll tell you all about it.
Monsanto! (gun cocks) I'm getting that bounty.
Ohh.
Oh, no.
I killed Martin Sheen.
(grunts) - Marty, I'm so sorry.
- (weakly) No.
It's okay.
Get close.
I-I need to tell you something.
Mr.
Sheen, it would be my honor to hear your last words.
(grunts) - We should probably go.
- Geez, I-I feel really different.
I think he just breathed his soul into me.
Do you know what that means? Martin Sheen was one of the greats.
And now that greatness is inside me.
(chuckles) Oh.
I'm tired.
Can we see if that's one of those sleeping motels? I think that's one of those money-charging hotels.
Why don't we just, uh, go sleep in the dirt over there.
It's better lumbar support.
Why are you being such a cheapskate? (chuckles) Cheapskate.
(laughs) Hey, look at that -- a pay phone.
(chuckles) Oh, how does that feel? (laughs) A dime.
- Why are you acting so weird? - Geez, I don't know.
I've never felt this way about a dime before.
(sniffs) Hey, a diner.
Let's order a huge meal and then barf all over the table.
They'll rip up the bill to avoid the publicity.
Come on.
Hey.
Martin's on TV.
Veteran actor Martin Sheen rang the bell at the New York Stock Exchange this morning.
He's still very much alive.
Meanwhile, his brother, Joe Estevez, was shot dead outside a gas station.
Estevez, seen here with his only known friend, hired hitman Sal Winnik, was known mostly for the long list of restaurants - from which he's been banned.
- (scoffs) I'm not possessed by Martin Sheen.
I'm possessed by his deadbeat brother Joe Estevez.
Ugh.
Grub time! (triangle chiming) (chuckles) I'm getting really hungry.
Come on, guys.
Let's go eat a lot.
Hey! Sweet cakes! Look, you want to make with the check? I'd like to pay for the food while it's still inside me.
(chuckles) Rat-a-tat-tat, boom, boom, baby.
Ugh.
We've got to get out of this town.
It's crawling with D-bags.
And I got to get this D-lister out of me.
(coughs) (coughs) This ain't my first rodeo.
(laughs) (coughing) (retching) Can I start y'all off with anything? Aah! Yes, my good man.
How about a bowl of soup on the house? I'm a disabled vet.
I gave a nut or two or three to this country.
Don't you think it's about time to pay it forward? - If you're a vet, I guess we could-- - Isn't that wonderful? And if a few meatballs happen to fall in, well, um, mum's the word.
(chuckles) (groans) He doesn't look like Joe Estevez, but it's definitely him.
You're a veteran? You told me you beat the draft by pretending to be Lauren Bacall.
It's Joe Estevez.
That sack of [bleep] has me running his scams.
And cut.
Good.
Okay, that's a cut.
(bell rings) Cameras to load.
Let's take five, guys.
Turn it around.
I'll be in my trailer.
(beeping) (knock on door) Yep.
- Oh, hey, Chris.
- Oh, hey, Marty.
- (chuckles) - How you doing? Yeah, good, good.
Doing good.
(chuckles) You know, I'm getting a real kick out of playing my brother Joe.
He-- He's gonna love this when he sees it.
- Yeah.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
(sighs) I'm Martin Sheen.
(chuckles) So, what's up? Oh, you know, I've been thinking.
You know when my ghost is inside of you? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Well, I was thinking maybe we could do that old Heaven Can Wait thing, you know, where the audience-- well, they see me instead of you.
Yeah, I-I don't know, Martin.
I mean, we've shot those scenes already.
Well, it's not even my idea, you know? It's the producers.
I'm-- I'm just the messenger here.
Okay.
Fine.
I don't give a [bleep].
- Oh, hey, that's terrific! - Okay.
- Thanks, bub.
- Sure.
Okay.
Yep.
(door opens, closes) So, Chris had this great idea.
He wants me to play his part when I'm possessing him.
Yeah, I-I don't know, Mr.
Sheen.
Well, you don't want to get Chris mad, do you? I mean, if we don't do this, he's gonna be absolutely furious.
(door opens) Hey, Chris! - Yeah, Josh.
What up? - You want Martin to replace you? Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh, we need a minute.
(clears throat) Look, a little private conversation.
Did you tell him I said that? Because I didn't say that.
(sighing) Well, all right, Chris.
I tried to do this the hard way, but you leave me no choice.
Oh, geez, Martin, don't! (gun cocks, fires) (groans) (hisses) - Reschedule until next Tuesday.
- (chuckling) Hey, hey, hey! There's the fine gentleman I was looking for.
I insist that Martin plays me in all the possession sequences and that he get paid in cash or by check made out to "cash" or food.
Fine, Chris.
Okay.
Thanks, buddy.
Perfect.
Okay.
(paddles whine) (thud) Ready in five, Mr.
Sheen! Big fedora reveal.
AdiĆ³s, muchacho.
(door opens, closes) Yeah, we'd like a room for the night, and that includes free ice, right? Give us a hand with these bags, will you, Smokey? Rat-a-tat-tat, boom, boom, baby.
- What's with the language, cap? - When did you get a fedora? Fedora? (screams) (chittering) The hell is going on here? (bell chimes) Welcome to Gormley's.
May I show you some hats? We're wondering what's going on with all the fedoras we're seeing around town lately.
- Spill it.
- Fedoras? Well, I'd be happy to tell you all about them right after I pour a nice cold glass - of acid down my throat.
- Wait.
Could you just tell us what's going on - and then kill yourself afterwards? - Fine.
What you know as fedoras are actually an ancient race of parasitic sea creatures.
They disguise themselves as hats and latch onto the heads of unsuspecting humans.
The fedora burrows into the host's brain and turns them into a total asshole.
- Where did you get that hat? - Where did you get that mouth? Scientists have dated them back to caveman times.
The last big outbreak was during the Rat Pack era.
Millions of kind, intelligent men were turned into insufferable pricks, real pieces of [bleep].
They were more or less eradicated 50 years ago, but something must have awakened them.
Tidal wave.
- Now, if you don't mind - Of course.
(sizzling) (screams) Cut! (bell rings) Okay, let's bring in the funny skeleton.
What's this? I said I wanted a lot of spaghetti.
It's a generous serving, Mr.
Sheen.
I'm Martin Sheen.
I'm a big star.
And I expect a lot of spaghetti! Won't be none for no one else.
(sighing) Okay.
I get it.
Here.
Catch.
(sighs) (groans, blows) (paddles whine) (thud) Well, thank you, fine sir.
Yeah.
I found him.
Joe Estevez? Yes? No.
Look, we figured out you're not really Martin Sheen.
I never said that I was.
- Well, at least can I -- - Yes.
You can finish the show.
But only as the ghost.
You're not playing Chris anymore.
Well, gosh, I was just gonna ask if I could keep the spaghetti.
Kill them! (chuckles) Keep pounding away, pal.
I'm just happy that loser's out of me.
(chuckles) (groans) Hey! What are you so mean for? I got feelings, too, you know? I know what y'all think of me, But I'm proud of what I am.
You might compare my plight to the dreaded fedoras.
Some say they're parasites looking for a host.
Well, I'm just looking for a pal.
Wise words, Joe.
Perhaps we don't have to conquer the whole world.
And perhaps I need a new hat.
(laughs) (laughter) Cut! (bell rings) Oh, hey, hey! How was it, Josh? That felt really great.
Yeah, Joe.
It was great.
And, uh I wonder if I could keep this nice green shirt.
It's got spaghetti stains on it, so it's not any good to anybody anyway, right? And that's how you get a free shirt, folks.
Rat-a-tat-tat, boom, boom, baby!