Early Edition (1996) Episode Scripts

N/A - Baby

Sometimes things work out.
Sometimes they don't.
Sometimes, no matter how well you plan your foundation, the roof falls in Kaboom! Nothing left but the rafters.
Take my best friend Gary, a man born to have kids.
Instead he's got a newspaper that tells tomorrow's news, and one about-to-be.
- Are we ready? - Ex-wife.
- Guess so.
- Guess so.
Which goes to show, when it comes to the future, it's not what you know that counts, it's what you do when you get there.
To single life again.
Welcome back buddy.
We missed you.
Thanks a lot.
Gar, look, it's gonna take some time, but believe me, you're better off without her.
You really think that, don't you? You got to get into the spirit of things.
Look around you.
Look at all these chicks.
Look at her.
Gar, you are a free man.
Think about it the thrill of the hunt all the action.
- Yeah, the cold pizza for breakfast.
- Exactly! - You know what she said to me? - Who? Marcia.
We're at the lawyer's office.
She turns around to me, and you know what she said? She wants you back.
I give up.
- She says to me.
- No hard feelings, huh? How's that? It's been fun.
Call me sometime.
Man, that's rotten.
- Thank you.
- No, the Cubs - they're losing again.
- What else is new? Hey, Cheech, give me another crownie.
- I got to go.
- Wait a minute.
What do you mean you're going? Would you sit down.
Get him a drink, too.
Will you relax, please? - I can't.
I got to go.
- Where? To a 7-Eleven over on Dunsworthy.
Oh, buddy, that's bad.
I know you're hurting, but hanging around convenience stores.
Stick around.
As your friend, I refuse to let you go.
Chucky? Actually, I could use a Slurpee.
- Chucky? - Amy Handelman.
- Who? - Chuck, there's a seat over here.
- Who is that? - A doctor.
- Excuse me.
- Really? Chuck? - Don't look over there.
- Chucky! Wait a second Chucky.
She seems to like you.
Maybe we Chuck.
Chuck Fishman.
Look, it was two years ago, Steamboat Springs.
A junket.
I was desperate.
She's been stalking me ever since.
Okay? Chuck? - I'll call you.
- I'm in the book.
Can't wait.
Gary, come on, now move.
Go.
Now.
So that's what I have to look forward to? You call that the thrill of the hunt? Hey, sometimes you gotta take what you can get.
Oh, that's a motto to live by.
But not you.
You're going to make out like gangbusters.
You're a good lookin' kid.
You know? You're one of those "aw, shucks" kind of guys that girls really go for.
You got nothing to worry about.
Of course, you live in a dump, but you get tomorrow's newspaper, which, I may add, is one hell of an icebreaker.
Uh-huh.
Hey you got to use what you got, buddy.
I mean, it's a jungle out there.
Dating game Darwinism.
Only the strong survive.
You're going to do good at this, trust me.
I was good at being married.
Which explains why you're here with me tonight.
Sorry.
Forget about her.
What have you got to lose? What do you mean what have I got to lose? A family, a home, - kids.
You know I want kids.
- Why? What do you mean, why? They're nothing but trouble.
You got to change diapers, - and all that snot and drool it's disgusting.
- Stay here.
Okay, we're going to do this thing, right? Jimmy, Roy.
I know what you're planning on doing, don't do it.
The guy behind the counter, he's got a sawed-off shotgun.
He's got medals for marksmanship.
Now, listen.
Here's 50 bucks.
That's all you were going to get anyway.
All right? Look, you got a chance for a scholarship.
And you got a girlfriend at home who loves you.
What do you want to throw all that away for huh? Aargh.
And while you're at it, do something about your muffler! Let's go.
- Where were we? - Movies.
Look, all right.
as long as we're on this side of town, nothing's lost.
We can catch the Jackie Chan festival at the Arts.
It starts at 8:15.
Perfect.
Excuse me.
Is this gonna take long? I hate missing the comin' attractions! - Hi, Molly.
You going somewhere? - Who are you? You're running away from home, aren't you? Well, my parents hate me, and I hate them.
No, I don't think so.
Look, your mom she's sorry she yelled at you, and your dad, he's very proud of your math scores.
But they forgot my birthday.
No.
Look in the back of the garage.
There's a brand-new blue 10-speed.
Why don't you go back inside? It's past your bedtime.
Go.
Go on.
- All right, what were you saying? - 8:20.
We blew it.
Okay, plan B.
We're downtown.
The Brew & View.
They're showing "Jaws" one through four.
Perfect - we're in time for Jaws 3.
That's in 3-D.
Hey, Gar, did you hear me? I said that's in 3-D.
There's a line, lady.
Here.
- You're a nickel short.
- Hey, what's the holdup? She has food stamps, and now she's a nickel short.
I don't seem to have.
What do you want me to put back? I - How about the milk? - No, I need that.
- The bologna then? - No.
Look, couldn't I just owe you the money? I live just down the street.
I come here all the time.
What about the bread? Come on! It belonged to my grandfather.
He told me it would bring me luck.
Yeah? Well, it hasn't worked so far.
Hold it.
She'll pay with this.
Y-you, thank you.
I can pay you back.
Yeah, I know you can.
This is a 1913 Liberty Head nickel.
He was going to sell it for just over $1 million tomorrow.
Take it to a rare coin dealer in the morning.
Seems like you should keep it in the family.
All right, all right, are you done? We could still make it.
We got five minutes.
Hey, Gar.
One more stop.
You're impossible.
You can't let this gig be all consuming.
I mean, even Batman had a social life.
You remember all those parties at Wayne Manor? You're forgetting about the little people your friends.
What about, what about my needs, Gar? This will just take a minute.
Uh, Senator.
Uh.
not tonight.
You see the guy over there with the Bulls hat? He'd love to get a picture of you and the young lady.
And he's not a Bull.
And, uh don't forget it's an election year, huh? Let's get the hell out of here.
What were you saying? Never mind.
What were we saying? Oh, yeah.
Kids.
Yeah, kids.
How can she not want kids? Uh, wild guess because she doesn't.
- Well, She did when we met.
- She said that? No, not in so many words, but a guy just figures that.
Then she gets the job at the law firm, and Well, you know, Gary, people change.
I mean, look at you.
Yeah, a lot of people have families.
Instead, I get a cat.
Heroes never have it easy.
The only reason anyone would ever call me a hero is because I get this paper.
Here.
Maybe you get that paper because you're a hero.
Don't tell me about "hero".
I couldn't even save my own marriage.
- Zeke.
- What? - That's what I was going to name him.
- Who? My son - the first one, anyway.
- Ah! Well, what if it was a girl? Zeke.
Oh, well, that makes it easy.
He was going to play hockey, you know.
- Zeke? - Yes.
- The boy or the girl? - It doesn't matter.
Just asking.
Go camping, sleep under the stars, hang out at the circus.
You know I like the circus? You want to talk about this or not? I mean, because if you do, there's plenty of time if you still want to have a kid.
People have them every day.
Oh, you're telling me.
What? Oh, Marissa, you're not going to believe this.
What? You're not going to believe this! Okay, here's the deal.
I had this dream last night Ralston Purina up six points.
What do you say? You're dreaming stocks? I'm dreaming condos in Aspen.
A house in Lake Geneva.
Check it out in the paper, see what it says.
It's worth a try.
What? There is a story here that might interest you.
Really? Why am I suddenly suspicious? No, no, no, no.
It's good.
It's good.
Oh yeah? Well, where is it? Sports? Financial? Here you go, buddy.
page seven.
Seven, my lucky number.
Guys this is great.
I promise I'll give you sev Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
The stork came to Chicago on the downtown El yesterday afternoon in the unlikely person of Chuck Fishman, local stockbroker.
Battling time and rush hour conditions, Fishman came to the rescue of housewife Anne Kellogg when she unexpectedly went into labor.
I'm not doing it.
Mother and daughter were reported in excellent condition at Cook County Hospital.
At-a-way, Doctor Kildaire.
I'm not doing it.
What's wrong, Chuck? You're going to be a hero.
Oh, groovy.
Swell.
But guess what? - Chuck ain't doing it.
- Why? The paper says it turned out fine.
What is this, some kind of joke? What is today, April Fools'? - No - Nixon's birthday? Oh, I know.
This is to get back at me for that time I short-sheeted your bed in college.
Is that it? - Oh, no, no.
- Oh, I know.
It's when I put your hand in that warm water on your wrist and you peed your pants.
Chuck, I don't, I don't think you have a choice.
Sure I do, and here it is: No.
There.
Selection made.
And you're in the men's room, young lady.
Call me crazy, but that man has a problem with the miracle of childbirth.
Hey, Chuck, don't you think you're overreacting here a little bit? - Yeah? How's that? - How's that? It says in the paper the mother and baby are going to be fine.
- Oh, sure, them.
- So, what's the problem? What's the problem? I'll tell you the problem.
The problem is - fluids.
- Fluids? Yeah.
You know, like.
- blood and stuff.
- Stuff? Yeah.
Like childbirth stuff.
Look, I've never told this to anyone before, but in the seventh grade in biology class, you know, when you have to dissect the frog? Well I opened mine up, and there was this.
- stuff in it.
- Really? Weird stuff.
Chuck, delivering a baby is not the same as dissecting a frog.
Close enough.
Hey, I'll tell you what, maybe it's a different Chuck Fishman.
who just happens to look exactly like me.
I don't think so.
Well, this is why I tell you never to show me that paper.
Now you know how I feel.
Yeah? Except unlike you, I'm not putting up with it.
Mm-hmm.
Kellogg, Kellogg.
Anne Kellogg.
I'm out of here.
There she is.
I knew I'd find her.
Come on.
Come on.
You know this is probably futile? What are you talking about? We're being good neighbors.
If you were going to pop out a baby on the grimy floor of a public conveyance, you'd want a little advance notice as well.
Your concern is touching.
God, what an appetite.
Look at her go.
- Okay, wish me luck.
- Just out of curiosity, what are you going to tell her? I don't know, but I'll think of something.
I'm quick on my feet.
It's her, the girl from the bar.
Gar.
I'll be right back.
Gar.
- Yes? - Hi.
Uh.
I'm, uh.
Chuck.
Berkalsi.
You don't know me.
Board of Health.
Not now.
Please.
Hey, lady! Stop! Don't cross.
Don't cross.
You can't cross.
I will so, young man.
- Please, lady! - Rotten scum! Get a life.
That's not fair! Next time, keep your opinions to yourself, creep.
Get pregnant, the whole world thinks they're your obstetrician.
Success.
She's taking a cab.
It worked.
Okay, now check the paper, see what it says.
- What?!? - Congratulations.
Twins.
- So, you handing out cigars? - Very funny.
The stork came early to a downtown elevator yesterday afternoon in the person of stockbroker Chuck Fishman.
All right, that's enough.
Who came to the aid of an expectant mother and delivered twins.
So where would this elevator be? It doesn't say.
Somewhere in Chicago.
Whose the lucky mom? Name withheld by request.
It's not fair.
I don't know what I did to deserve this You're asking us that questions? I can't believe you didn't Oh, great.
Hey, guys, I got to go.
Yeah, thanks for all your help, Gar! You know, you're being really weird about this.
It's just basic biology.
- All right.
- It's pretty simple.
First the mother's water breaks.
Well, actually, it's not water.
It's amniotic fluid from inside the uterus.
Then the contraction begins, she pushes, you help receive the baby, you cut the umbilical cord - and wash out the placenta, and then you - Stop it! This isn't biology; this is Poltergeist.
You know Chuck, you can't run from fate.
Sooner or later, it's going to catch up.
Maybe I can't run, but I can hide.
In my apartment.
Under my bed.
Thirty-five floors up.
Barring the woman rappelling down my chimney, I ought to be all right.
I'll see you later, I'm getting out of here.
- Good luck.
- Another foot and a half should do it.
You're telling me.
Wife packed salami again.
I keep telling her salads.
Greens.
No! No! I mean the hole! - What about it? - It's in the wrong place! - You got to be kidding! - Hey, it's right there! Hey, Mankewitz, you didn't move it, did you? - What? - The hole! No! See? Look, I'm telling you, you got the wrong plans! What? They mislabeled the plans! You're going to hit pipes.
Say that again.
In about six minutes, you're going to hit water pipe.
You got six minutes Not again.
Hey, buddy, something wrong? Hang on, I'll be right back! Nut.
Keep drilling.
Okay.
Walk tall.
Okay.
No problem, officer.
Moving along.
Moving right along.
I got to get out of here.
Excuse me.
Watch it, you jerk! What's your problem? Aaaaaaahhhhhh! That's it.
I need help.
Medical Services.
A doctor.
a doctor.
A doctor.
A doc Amy Handelman, MD.
Oh, what the hell.
Okay.
Don't panic.
Stay calm.
You can do this.
No problem.
- Where is she? - Who? The woman you were just talking to.
- She went out the back.
- She went out Excuse me.
Do you know who she is? Who? The woman we were just talking about.
Sir, I really can't give out that kind of information.
No, I mean, does she live around here? Does she come in here often? - Is she married? Do you have - Sir, don't you have anything better to do? No, I don't have anything better to Oh, God.
Hey! Yeah? I think there's something down here.
Stop.
What are you doing, huh? What are you doing? I told you to stop! Dr.
Handelman, there's a Dr.
Schweitzer here to see you.
- Hi.
- Chuck.
- Have you ever delivered a baby? - Sure.
On a train or in an elevator with things flying around and wind blowing? No, but I guess that I could.
Good.
Do you mind if I, uh, stay here for a while? Good morning.
What's so good about it? - Did it rain or something? - No.
Oh, by the way, you have a visitor.
- Where? - In your room.
I let her in.
She said she was your wife.
- Surprise.
- Yeah.
You got to be joking, right? - Nope.
- She came to your hotel room? Why? I'm not sure exactly.
- Well, what did she say? - She said she wanted to talk.
- She said.
- I've been thinking.
About? About us.
Us? You've been thinking about us? As in yesterday at the lawyer's office us? I don't know.
You seem different.
More involved.
- Look, Marcia, I think - Is there someone new in your life? And you said.
I think you should go.
Look, I know this sounds crazy, but if you want, we could have dinner.
You know, sometime.
- Well, you know, I don't, I, I - How about tonight? - Huh? - And you said? - I told her I'd think about it.
- Oh, brother.
Well, what am I supposed to do? She's my wife my ex-wife.
For the moment, anyway.
I'm telling you, this thing's driving me crazy.
I mean, I got the paper, I got Marcia and I keep seeing, I keep, I just keep getting distracted.
How's Chuck? - Last I saw of him, fine.
- Yeah, this ought to be safe.
Hi.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no.
- So how did it go downtown? - What? The water main break? Did you stop it? - Not exactly.
- Oh, distracted again, huh? Well, let's just say that, uh.
I'm lucky it wasn't something more serious.
Oh, boy.
This wasn't here before.
Uh, Amy, listen.
Anything, Chuck.
Do you really think this is a good idea? I mean, here in your office? I canceled my appointments.
- What about your secretary? - I sent her home.
Oh, no.
Well, what if something happens? Like You remember that night, Chuck? Yeah.
Yeah.
But, what if there's an emergency? - The orchids in the drinks? - I mean, don't you have to be here? What if you're not ready and they walk in and then - Oh, I'm ready.
- No.
That's not what I mean.
I mean - You were amazing.
- No, listen.
Amy, listen, Amy, I - I was? - Mm-hmm.
Listen! I'm going to deliver a baby! Uh-huh.
Fine with me.
- Chuck? - See you later.
Oh, Chucky? Chucky! Hey! Him again.
- Turn that thing off.
- What thing? - The pump! - What? He wants you to turn the thing off? - What thing? - The pump! - Why? - Why? Because you're going to blackout half the city.
Because you're going to blackout half the city.
Oh.
Can't do it.
Can't do it.
- Why? - Orders.
Ah.
Ahh.
- Nice to see you, sir.
- Home.
Thank you, Johnston.
No.
No, I can't take the elevator.
No.
This can't be.
Excuse me! Hold it.
Could you press 35 please? Thank you.
How are you doing? Oh, a lot of laundry.
Laundry day, huh? For the last time, I'm telling you, this is serious.
What are you, some kind of electrician or something? Oh, wait a minute.
I got it.
A whatchamacallit clairvoyant, right? Like on TV.
Or, uh, that guy, uh, Jean Dixon.
No, no.
I'm Superman, the difference being Superman had a life and job, and a girl! Me, I get this! Turn it off, Mankewitz.
Hey, buddy we turned it off.
Thank you! It's her.
Who? This girl by the fountain.
At 5:12 tonight.
- 15.
Anyone getting off? - Yes.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
Excuse me.
Pardon, excuse me.
Popular Floor.
Excuse me.
What are you looking at? Uh.
Nothing.
So.
uh, when are you due? Excuse me? You look like you're ready to go, any second.
I tell you what.
Why don't I give you the date that I conceived, and you and I can do the math together? Unbelievable.
Hey! How come this pump's not running? - Uh.
.
I.
.
- I told them to turn it off.
Oh, you did, did you? On whose authority? Superman's.
No, I wouldn't Ohh.
Just great.
Proceeding to 140 Michigan Avenue.
Elevator between floors.
Two people on it.
- What did you do? - Me? Nothing.
Still just the two of us, right? Ha.
Whoa, okay.
Now let's get this baby moving again.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not your baby.
This baby.
The elevator.
Now.
I'm probably pretty good at this.
- It's stuck.
- Yeah.
Well, no problem.
I mean, these kinds of things happen all the time.
- You okay? - I'm fine.
I mean, okay.
Here we are.
We're trapped in the elevator.
There's no reason for anyone to panic.
This got.
.
What was that? - What? - That noise.
- I burped.
- Oh, well, that's okay.
I mean, I just thought.
You're still okay? I mean nothing's, like, uh, - leaking.
- Would you do me a favor? - Sure.
- Would you sit down and shut up? You're a strange man, and you're making me nervous.
Okay, everyone just be patient.
The rescue squad is tied up at the Hancock.
- Keep those people back.
- Um, excuse me Officer.
I have a friend that lives in this building.
Is there something wrong? Elevator's stuck.
Twenty-eighth floor.
- Um, are there people on it? - You bet.
Do you know who they are? Not by name, but I can tell you this.
One of them's pregnant.
One of them's scared.
What's going on? - Not much, I'll tell you that.
- Where is everybody? That's the funny thing about bars no food, no TV, no lights, people tend not to hang around.
- Well, how bad is it? - Half the city's blacked out.
Rumor is some jackass downtown put the plug in the wrong socket.
- That's not true.
- What? Nothing.
You got something to drink? Your choice: water or melted ice? Did you ever have a bad day, Mike? What do you call this? No, I mean, one of those bad days a really bad day where everything goes wrong.
You mean, like the day I got married? First of all, it rained buckets, then the hors d'oeuvres turned brown, then the mother-in-law breaks her tooth on the wedding cake.
I should have known right then.
Yeah.
Maybe it would all be worth it if there was someone to come home to, huh? Someone who cares about you.
What? The fountain? McGinty's.
Yeah he's right here.
Okay, I'll tell him.
Marissa.
She says to come quick.
Your pal Fishman's in trouble.
Something about cutting open a frog? Hello.
Hello.
Anyone there? I'll give you a buck to answer.
Okay make it 50.
- This is the building super.
- It's the building super.
- I'm sure I'm thrilled.
- Hello! - We're working on getting you down.
- Good.
When? Well, we don't know.
Maybe an hour.
An hour.
Hang on.
When did you say you were due? - A month.
- An hour's too long.
Can't you just pry the doors open? No good.
You're stuck between floors.
That's okay.
We'll take that chance.
Forget it.
Bad idea.
Hang on.
That was a burp again, wasn't it? Burp.
I heard burp.
I'm going to have the baby.
Uh, Houston, we have a problem.
Marissa? Hey, I'm glad you're here.
It's happening.
- The elevator, huh? - In the elevator and there's no power.
- Do you know anything else? - No, I haven't hear anything.
What are you doing now? I hope you're proud of yourself.
- 1 2 3, 1 2 3 - Oh, my God.
Try counting backwards.
Maybe it'll reverse the process.
You're really a train wreck.
You know that? - 1, 2, 3 - It's not my fault.
I didn't want to open up that damn frog! - Chuck, you there? - 1, 2, 3 Gar, is that you? Gar, you go to help me.
Someone's in a lot of trouble.
All right, now listen, what's her name? - It's not her, me.
- 1, 2, 3 - Come here.
- Chuck? - Come here.
- Chuck? - Hang on.
- 1, 2, 3, Bottom line, if you make this any more difficult, when this is over I will hunt.
you.
down.
Is that clear? - 1, 2 - It's getting serious pal.
All right now listen.
Keep your head.
You can do this.
- No I can't - Yes, you can.
- 1, 2.
.
- No, I can't.
Yes you can.
You've got to.
Listen, you're the only one there is.
You.
You're it.
You're the guy in the elevator.
Sometimes that's all the hero is, Chuck.
It's the guy who's there.
All right? Chuck? - 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3 - Chuck? - 1, 2, 3, - Chuck? - Chuck? - 1, 2, 3 - 1, 2, 3 - What is that? It's not brake fluid.
- 1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 - Chuck? - Chuck? - 1, 2, 3 - Chuck? - 1, 2, 3 - 1, 2.
- Chuck? Got a Plan B? - Chuck? - 1,2.
1,2.
1,2.
Chuck, you all right? He's out cold.
1,2.
1,2.
- 1,2.
1,2.
- Oh, that's great.
All right.
- 1,2.
1,2.
- Oh, this is great.
- I'm Chuck Norris, now.
- 1,2.
1,2.
1,2.
Hi! Give me a break.
How is he? You wake him up, and I kill you both.
Yeah, Is the elevator fixed yet? No.
The paramedics are on the way.
What are they going to do, haul me out on a winch? Look, maybe we can call your doctor.
Sailing in the Caribbean.
Well, maybe there's something else Look mister.
It's you and me.
Are you going to pass out too, or are you going to help? 'Cause I got to bring two kids into the world.
Are you with me or not? Okay.
Okay.
This is it! Let's hustle! Back up! Paramedics! Coming through.
Okay, we're here.
Where's the mother? What, in there? You're doing fine.
Just keep pushing.
- I can't.
- Yes, you can.
You're doing fine.
Just keepCome one.
Come on.
Come on.
Keep pushing.
You're doing great.
Keep pushing.
You're doing fine.
Keep pushing.
Keep pushing.
Come one.
Wait, I think I see something.
I think it's the head.
- Come on, keep pushing.
- Gary? - Keep pushing, come on.
- Gary? Come on, I can see the head.
Keep pushing now.
Come on.
Keep pushing.
One more.
One more.
Come on.
Come on.
Come one, one more time.
There you go.
Here he comes.
There you go.
There you go.
There we go.
There we go.
You got a baby boy.
You got a boy.
You got yourself a baby boy here.
Hey, he's loud, isn't he? Say hello to mom, buddy.
Congratulations.
How are you doing? How are you doing? Oh, he's beautiful.
- What? - Oh, boy.
- What? - We're not done yet.
Ooh! Gary? We're having twins up here.
The power's back on.
They're coming back down.
Thanks.
Congratulations.
Just one more thing.
Oh.
Chuck? Chuck, wake up.
Come on.
Wake up.
Just one more thing.
Come on, buddy.
Okay.
Here we go.
Careful.
Don't start dropping them, now.
Chuck, here they come, ready or not.
Okay.
Atta girl.
Let's go see Uncle Charles.
To repeat, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't.
Whether or not you've got a crystal ball, life is a search for answers, and everybody's looking, all at the same time, in the same general place, which is probably why we keep tripping over each other.
Excuse me.
I'm supposed to meet someone here at 12 after 5:00.
Well, in that case, you're early.
Well, the Pay no attention to that.
Clock says 12 after Been busted for a month.
Got to admit it's confusing.
Somebody ought to fix it.
Marcia, listen, I can't make it for dinner tonight.
No, no.
Not tomorrow night, either.
Yeah.
It's a miracle, fellas.
I'm telling you.
There's nothing like it.
Being there at the outset, holding life in these hands.
I bet one of them wins the Nobel Prize.
So, who's buying, anyway? So here's to life.
The ups, the downs, the twists, the turns, the whole mixed-up unpredictable mess of it.
Just remember to keep your spirit's up and your eyes wide open.
And remember, there's always tomorrow.