Early Edition (1996) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Good, the Bad and the Not-So-Appealing

Mm mmm ow, ow, ow.
Mm tell me why i love ya like i do tell me who can stop my heart as much as you let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier mad about you, baby yeah We'll zip over to 8th street for the dry cleaners, We'll swing over to 6th for the shirts, Jump over to union square for groceries, Then we'll, uh scoot.
We'll scoot to 14th street for the shoe guy.
Glad it's the weekend? Welcome to life in the big city work all week like a dog [woof] that's a figure of speech so saturday you can carry your pants for 30 blocks.
We're not leaving until we make a grocery list.
Come on.
We'll just go.
We'll peruse.
That's how we get into trouble.
What trouble? Hearts of palm? I just wanted to know what that was.
Write down milk.
Got to have milk.
Goes right with the milk.
Hey, how about veal? Never, never, never veal.
Because it's so cruel how they raise them.
That's right.
Chickenswhat, do you think they take them dancing first? Write down eggs.
Which comes first, chicken or eggs? You want to do this? I'm writing "eggs.
" [Telephone rings] Hello.
Hi, sylvia.
Really? Noonish.
, we'll be there.
Unless possibly yes.
She's having a thing.
A thing? A lunch.
We have no time.
We got scooting, we got zipping, At some point, i have to call my editor.
I have to listen to salmon.
I'm sorry? For that fish movie.
Did you know salmon actually sing to each other? Whatwhat do they sing? Ironically, show tunes.
Well, she needs a plate we borrowed.
A plate? A dish.
A dish? Are you 90 years old? A farberware dish.
She needs it back.
Oh, are you blind.
What? My mother has, like, 6,000 farberware dishes.
Farber calls her for dishes.
This isthis is a trick.
I want to see her.
So what? Excuse me? She's going to be our children's grandmother.
I'd like to try to cultivate some sort of relationship.
Can we cultivate another day? We're in serious errand-Running trouble.
I'm down to a thong and tube socks.
I believe that's my thong.
Then i'm down to a pair of tube socks.
You don't care about my relationship with her? I very much care.
But i also know the reality of the situation.
Nobody cultivates a relationship with my mother.
Either she cultivates you, Or you just don't plant anything that year.
I'm not believing that.
Oh, yeah, 'cause you know.
Come on.
We'll whiz to 23rd street After hopping over to 6th.
Murray, come on.
[Woof] lobby full of poodles.
Why do you lie to him? What? What do we like? "I can't believe it's not butter" Or "you're a jackass if you think it's margarine"? Not on the list.
Such confidence in that list.
That's right.
Me, i go on hunches.
Forget it.
It's 100 cones.
You forgot the list, didn't you? Maybe i did dog food.
He hates this dry stuff.
It's low sodium.
What's it mean when your dog And your father are on the same diet? Soon, murray will be wearing white pants.
I think i'll tell sylvia today.
Oh, don't.
Why not? Why would why start trouble? She should know we're trying to get pregnant.
Why share that with people? It's not "people.
" It's family.
Well, why not let's wait till we're pregnant.
We can present it as a done deal.
"Hey, everybody, not only are we trying we're succeeding.
" I think she would like to know.
What's your big fantasy there? You think she's going to give you a big hug and be your best friend? No.
You think she'll give you a big hug what is wrong with a big hug? It's not going to happen.
I say this because i love you.
Really fine or kiss-My-Ass fine? Really fine.
You o.
There, tiger? Never had more fun than this.
Hey [woof] murray says "hey.
" What, you running errands? No.
We're bedouins now.
What's with all this stuff? What's going on? Your mother i don't want to talk about it.
Oh, good.
You're here.
We brought your dish.
What dish? See why it's foolish to ever doubt me? Oh, the dish.
I forgot.
Thank you.
Yeah, o.
What's going on.
What's the trick? There's no trick.
Thank godthe dish.
What, what, what? No trick.
I was listening to television.
You know martha stewart? Very sturdy girl.
Isn't she great? She could use a stiff drink.
But she had an interesting thing for me.
For you? She suggested i should gather the family And decide who will get what of mine After i go over.
Go over? Pass on.
You're not going to pass on.
You're going to die.
Anyway, you're not going to die.
Is something going on? No, no.
I figure 30 years.
No waiting till the last minute.
You tricked us.
I tricked you.
So you're a big detective.
Can we go now? No.
I think it's a wonderful idea.
Good, honey.
Look, it's very important.
Martha told me it would prevent fights after i'm gone.
What would you care? You'll be gone.
Maybe you come back.
If i'm going to be reincarnated, I don't want aggravation on top of it.
It wouldn't be a picnic for us, either.
Don't be cute.
Paul, blue stickers are for you, Uh, yellow are for debbie, And red is for sharon, orange is for ira, And here's a couple for her.
Maybe she'll find something rustic.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Mm, what a good chin.
Isn't her chin nice? She's a delight.
, now can we go? It'll make her happy.
For how long? 45 minutes.
45 minutes of happy.
She carried you for nine months.
Oh, i paid that back years ago.
[Telephone rings] I'll get it.
It's sharon.
She knows who it is by the ring.
Used to scare me.
Now i think it's cute.
Hi, paulie.
You, too? I called to warn you.
How did we both waltz into this trap? Hello.
Hi, sharon.
First of all, Everything tagged over the phone doesn't count.
No fighting.
We're not fighting.
Here's why we never discussed this.
One weekend in the fall You wake up and decide you're inheriting mom's china? Stop being so hard on her.
Stop spoiling her.
We're not talking about you.
For god's sake, she's separated.
Because she's spoiled.
Steve always complained how she sulked.
We're not talking about you.
That steve is no prize.
No one we marry's a prize.
Not a first prize.
If she wants something, Let her get her big ass out of bed and get it.
Yes, we are talking about you.
See, with mom's plan, there's no friction, no fighting.
How ya doin', deb? Great.
Can i tell her? What? What? You know.
The thing.
The personal thing? The big sensitive thing that's nobody's business yet? Go ahead.
Paul and i are trying.
You're kidding! Oh, good for you.
It's about time.
I'm thinking of telling your mother.
Why? What, nobody tagged the couch yet? I'm not sure this couch is really "us.
" It could be us.
The way you decorate, nothing doesn't go.
What do they call that? Eclectic.
She meant that good.
But what are you talking about? It's a nice couch.
If you're in fred sanford's house.
We still don't know what color this couch is.
She's got three generations of slip covers on there.
You can tell what decade something's from By what slip cover it's between.
Like rings of a tree.
Hey, murray's not eating.
It's low sodium.
How about a little plain sliced chicken, huh? Ya put a little lemon on it, it's not so terrible.
I'm watching the sunshine boys here.
You're late.
I got coffee.
You bought coffee? Yeah.
I have coffee.
Now you have more.
Don't be cute.
Hey, did you know about this? I love martha stewart.
What? She's cute, and she knows everything.
Look at these.
Oh, boy.
Your little feet fit right in here? That's why i didn't walk until i was 7 1/2.
Those are not taggable.
How about this beauty? What's that? This is how they used to feed the mills brothers.
Who wants this shampoo? Huh? Shampoo? Dad, if i'm not mistaken, I think martha intended the big items to go.
Never opened, from the hyatt.
Which i thinkno.
Don't look at me.
This wasn't my idea.
Hey, did murray eat? Oh, like an animal.
Say, i want to talk.
Can it wait? I got to call my editor.
I have to listen to an audio track.
A what? A track.
In this case, it's salmon that, like, sing.
Smoked salmon? It'si'm going to use the phone for a second.
I got us coffee.
More coffee? Oh, jeez who buys coffee? Take it.
You get the salami? Yeah.
Ah, great.
No salt.
[Dog barks] Hey, murray, no salt.
I'll get that.
Come here.
What did we say? Murray, drop that.
How you doing, burt? In the end, you know what it comes down to? We buy too much crap.
I, um, kind of wanted to tell you something.
Tell me something? Paul and i are trying to have a baby.
You're kidding.
How much do you need? No, no.
We're fine.
You sure? I'm sure.
I want to take him to the zoo.
What if he's a she? I'lli'll take them both, Then we'll have ice cream.
That'd be great.
Unless ice cream's bad no.
A little's o.
A little is plenty.
I'm thinking of telling sylvia.
Why? What is with you? What? How stupid is it that you're here? What could you possibly want? A scarf.
A scarf.
A fancy scarf with a coach and horses.
It's for my ma.
You cheap bastard.
Buy her something.
She thinks she left it here.
Actually, she thinks sylvia borrowed it and never returned it.
When was this? I don't know.
Supposedly happy rockefeller tripped on it at a rally.
How you doing? I'm o.
Sopaul and i have some news.
What? You just started trying.
You told him? I told him 'cause it's him.
You're pregnant? No, no.
We're trying.
Well, point is, you're having fun.
Doing our best.
Told sylvia? Considering it.
Why? I have this wonderful freezer bag sealing system.
Keeps soup for six years.
Still untagged.
Still untagged? Thought it'd go first.
Sylvia you want the sealer system? Sure.
It's yours.
There's 5,000 plastic bags in the closet.
I'll go get them.
Let's go freeze stuff right now.
Uh, sylvia what is it, dear? Can i just talk to you for a second? Of course.
How ya doin'? Fine.
Was there anything else? Yes.
Um paul and i have some wonderful news.
And what's that, honey? We're trying.
We're trying to get pregnant.
Good for you.
I'll get the bags.
Who could have seen that one coming? That's it.
I give up.
"Cultivate a relationship.
" What was i thinking? Sweetie if she weren't your mother then what? Then something very, very bad.
[Telephone rings] It's your editor.
How does she do that? Nobody knows.
Don't get that.
Listen i'm not speaking ill of her.
I'm saying she's needy.
Have you ever seen neediness like that? Have you? Have you? Have you? No.
And oversensitive as a rabbit's eye.
All right.
Hello? Meantime, nobody's eating my lox.
Put a tag on it.
They'll have it when you go over.
All right, mr.
Metzger, Let me hear them fishies sing.
Metzger! Giants' shortstop.
Roger metzger.
Number 8.
Actually on the phone, right here.
Where is she, hiding in the kitchen? You could make a little effort with her, mom.
I made a tremendous effort with her.
You never made an effort, Same with gary and same with steve.
I made an effort with gary.
Certainly with steve.
You made no effort with steve.
Everybody make an effort more quietly.
Thank you.
Who are you talking to? Ask dad.
A phone in the bedroom for $6 a month Wouldn't be so bad.
It wouldn't kill you to go talk to her.
Stop telling me what'll kill me.
Should i go talk to her? It wouldn't kill you.
You had salami.
You wouldn't think a fish would know all of guys and dolls.
Can we talk, or are you waiting for a shark to yodel? What's on your mind? Here's what.
You see, paulie, when you and your sisters were small, I did what a father does.
I bought some stocks, some shares, Somesome shares of things.
You bought some stocks? That's what i'm saying.
Your sister sharon's stocks merck god bless it, what a company.
That's good.
Then debbie's stocks mcdonnell douglas ffffzzz like a rocket, Which they make, by the way.
Great, huh? Good for debbie.
Now, your stock u.
Cyclamates o.
Who knew? Tab was only one calorie.
Fat women thought they were seeing the hand of god.
Who could blame them? I want to do something for you to make it up.
That's silly.
It's the least i can do.
No, no.
Please, it's just silly.
What is this? My dad gave me that money clip when he came back from the war.
You bought this.
Huh? I was with you when you bought this.
I want to give you something you can give to your son.
Well, fair enough.
Let me tell you something.
No matter when i die, It's going to piss me off.
Hey, me, too.
Is everybody tagging? We're tagging.
Yeah, yeah excuse me.
How you doing? Let's just go.
What's the matter? You're right.
There's no point.
Your mother and i will never be pals.
That's what she wants.
She wins.
That's it.
I'm talking to her.
What do you mean? I don't like her making you feel like this.
This is the last time.
What will you say? I know what to say.
You're my wife, the woman i love.
It's time for her to treat you like that.
And the grandchild thing.
You're going to give birth to her flesh and blood.
Enough of these games.
The coldness.
That, too.
What about it? No coldness.
I'll say, "no more coldness.
" No criticism as a mother.
You know what? You do it, because what do you say to someone you can't talk to? She's your daughter-In-Law.
That's typical.
I'm dying, And we spend the day worrying about her.
You're not dying.
Well, the second part.
Why must i walk on eggshells with her? You don't.
Just go talk to her.
There's a side of you that i don't like.
Don't tell your mother what to do.
Thank you.
Just walk in there and talk to her.
So i'm going.
[Theme from the good, the bad, and the ugly plays] I'm going to go play in the bedroom.
So how are you? Fine.
How are you? I'm fine.
What do you know blue.
This isn't the couch we ordered.
Look at this.
"Kennedy to fly to dallas.
" Look.
Ma's scarf.
Coaches and horses.
You see that? Mom didn't borrow it.
She sat on it.
I stand corrected.
Just tell me what i have to do to reach you.
How do i get through to you? Do you want me to beg? I'm begging.
Okay? Do you want me to crawl? I'm crawling.
Should i change the way i talk? O.
, i'll change the way i talk! Change the way i dress? Fine, fine.
I'm just going to change the way i dress.
Want me to change my hair? I'm going to change the way my hair looks.
I'm gonna cut it right now.
I swear to god i will! Those are not the right scissors, darling.
Well, i tried.
I really tried.
You talked to her.
I humiliated myself.
It was humiliation.
I had such modest goals for today.
Pick up some shirts, get some food, fix some shoes.
That was truly the extent of my expectations.
Oh, good.
What'd she give you? 300 hard-Boiled eggs, Like i don't know how to do that.
A million bagels so i don't let you wither away.
Enough lox for the next 111 years.
Picture this luck be a lady tonight This is what they were doing.
What? Look at this.
Did you take this? Are you sure? Yeah.
Do you see what she does? I have to call her.
If you've learned one thing today, what would that be? I just want to say thank you.
Do what you must.
Sylvia? It's jamie.
Murray, i've been thinking.
Today was a very difficult day, But whatever i said about your mother, There's no reflection on you.
You are always welcome in my house.
[Barks] good.
Now, get off the couch.