Family Guy s03e08 Episode Script

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy Oh, my, this place is enormous.
They got these plastic disc guns.
|I haven't seen one since Cleveland's wedding.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining|of these two people - (Peter giggles)|in the bonds of holy matrimony, - consecrated before God Almighty.
|- (Peter giggles) Hey, Stratego.
I used to love this game.
Oh, my God.
Abe Vigoda? Go bother Steve Guttenberg.
|He's behind the Chinese chequers.
Abe, shut up! (" swing music) Look at me, Chris.
I'm Yanni sans the attitude.
My God, that's amazing.
- You are so talented.
|- Huh? Wait a second.
Something's not right here.
You were just making it look like|you were playing.
You're a phony! - Hey! This guy's a great big phony!|- Come on, Chris.
- Agh!|- There you are.
Hey, you're a great big phony,|you know that? Your mom and I have something for you.
Let me guess.
Another|colourful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn until -|big shock - a jack pops out.
And you laugh and the kids laugh and|the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
- (gasps)|- Surprise, honey.
A trikey! I think he likes it.
When I stick this army guy with the sharp|bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain.
(laughs) Ow! Oh.
Now I don't know math.
- Give it to me now, dammit!|- Not now, Stewie.
When we get home.
That's right.
You're a big fat phony! What I'm about to show you is a fight scene|from Star Trek, season one, episode 18.
I'm going to identify when it's Shatner and|when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins.
Let's watch.
That's Shatner.
That's Lubbins.
|That's Shatner.
That's Lubbins.
That's Shatner.
That's Lubbins.
That's Shatner, but when I freeze-frame,|you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup.
- He is the biggest dork on the planet.
|- Totally.
And so, because of his|rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior|to Jean-Luc Picard.
- Any questions? Meg?|- No.
Leave me alone.
Thank you, Neil,|for that irrelevant presentation.
We all know Captain Picard|is the superior officer.
- Ugh!|- Mr Lassenbee's getting arrested.
(students gasping/murmuring) What in God's name? Mr Lassenbee,|what the hell's going on here? There's a law against teaching|the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine|and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
This stupid country.
Tom Tucker, live at James Woods High|School with this sensational breaking story.
A teacher caught molesting children|with crackpot theories.
Full story at 11.
(man) And out.
(gasps) Oh, my God!|That's Tom Tucker from the news.
Hey, kids.
Remember, Mr T says|"I pity the fool who does drugs.
" (" romantic music) - Better hurry up, Mr Tucker.
|- I'm coming.
Reports indicate she has consumed|a record amount of seamen.
Sounds like one powerful hurricane.
In other news, school board elections|took place last evening.
Fred Johnson leads candidate Betsy LaFoe|by a substantial (" rock music) Hi, Meg.
You know how cute I think you are.
(" rock music continues) turmoil when President Bush|stuck his finger in a socket.
Whoa! Yikes.
Awkward.
that's where leprechauns|hide their gold.
More at 11.
Hey, you know who lives in this house?|A great big phony! That's right.
A phony lives here.
A big fat phony! I say, look at me.
|I feel like a regular grease monkey.
- Remember that time I had that Mustang?|- Oh, yeah, you took her for a spin that time.
That was awesome.
Those chowderheads on the corner|busted your stones.
- (both laugh)|- Hey, your sister say anything about me? - Oh, my God.
I'm missing the news!|- We all miss The News, Meg.
But Huey Lewis needs time to create.
|We have to be patient.
And in entertainment,|Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.
- Really? 64?|- Yes.
- I thought she was dead.
|- She's alive.
Fantastic.
And now this.
Are you a student interested in|the glamorous world of unpaid internships? If so, you can try out for|Channel Five's young anchor programme.
Oh, wow! You'll gain valuable experience,|work closely with Tom and me, and produce your own on-air report.
So call us now.
Yeah! Question number one:|Would you consider growing a moustache? I guess so.
Question two: Look at my moustache.
Do you think it tickles women|when I kiss them? I don't know.
Wrong.
The answer is: Only slightly,|only slightly.
Next.
Oh, God, I can't hire any of these girls.
They're all too pretty.
|Their breasts are too perky.
Perfect.
Congratulations.
You got the job.
Oh, my God! Oh, thank you, thank you!|This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of! You and your partner|will start tomorrow after school.
- Great! Who's my partner?|- Hey, there, hot stuff! (gasps) Well, well.
It appears the Fates|have conspired in our favour.
Eh, Meg? Stay away from me, Neil.
|Just because we're working together does not mean I like you.
Give it to me! - What's that?|- Give it to me, Neil.
- Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil.
|- Yeah.
That'll work just fine.
Ugh! Look who's here.
|It's our bright-eyed young interns.
- Did you two wear your eager caps?|- I sure did, Mr Tucker.
Great.
Cos you two|are gonna have so much fun! Don't act any cheerier.
|You'll give us all diabetes.
- Bite me, Tom.
|- Come on, kids.
Here's where we produce|our celebrity interviews.
I did one with Dustin Hoffman.
|He's almost impossible to book.
Dustin, it's been a while.
|I gotta say, you look great.
Are you trying to seduce me? I am not trying to seduce you,|Dustin Hoffman.
You really look great.
- Uh-oh.
Twelve minutes to Wapner.
|- I understand your hectic schedule.
We appreciate you taking the time|to be with us here in the studio.
- If there's anything I can ever do for you|- Bring me Peter Pan! I'll keep my eye out for him.
|Thanks, Dustin.
He's this tall.
Can you believe it? Our little Stewie|learning to ride his first tricycle.
This'll be more exciting than when Brian|taught me about Columbus.
- Where are we going?|- We're going to visit the year 1492.
That's when Columbus set sail|for the New World.
- We're on a ship.
|- This is the Santa Maria.
Columbus took it to find a route to India.
- Any sign of India yet?|- Nothing yet.
Columbus was going to America.
Columbus discovered America|entirely by mistake.
Wow! - What are you doing? Back off, fat man.
|- Hang on, Stewie.
What the? Hey, hey, let go.
|Get your filthy paws off.
Let go.
Let go, I say.
Let go.
Don't let go! Oh, this is exhilarating.
- Go, Stewie!|- Yay, Stewie! I gotta go check on dinner.
You keep|taping Stewie.
Don't miss a moment.
I got it.
Look, it's dancing with me.
It's this incredibly benevolent force|that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid.
Sometimes there's so much beauty|in the world, it makes my heart burst.
It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated|your circulatory system is? Hi, Mr Tucker.
I brought you Rice Crispy|Treats.
I remember you said you liked them.
Look.
This one is in the shape of a heart.
I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man|in my spoon.
Come back later.
(contented sigh) (gasps) Oh, my God.
|Meg's in love with Tom Tucker! Try to move in on my woman,|will you, Tom Tucker? No one crosses Neil Goldman|and gets away with it.
(cackles) I added something to your coffee|I don't think you're gonna like.
- Here's your coffee, Mr Tucker.
|- What the hell is in this? Sweet'N Low.
|That's for trying to steal my woman! - Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked.
|- Yes, sir.
- Nice bike.
|- That's the understatement of the century.
- It's cool.
Too cool for you.
|- No, no.
I think it's right where I'm at.
Out of my way! Oh, I see.
Oh, yes, I suppose you do have|to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues.
Well, then, I'll just wait|right here till you get back.
- Where the devil is he?|- You've obviously never met a bully.
What do you mean? He wasn't taking it for a test ride,|he was just taking it.
- You you mean?|- Mm-hm.
He stole my trikey? (sobs) Mr Tucker, has anyone|ever told you your eyes are Hang on, sweetie.
I've gotta call Peter|Jennings and reschedule our golf game.
(ringing) (" rock music) This is Peter.
You know what to do.
(beep) Mr Tucker, Miss Simmons, there's a nut on|top of Town Hall with a high-powered rifle.
The gunman's been identified as the|Mass Media Murderer who targets the press.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mass Media Murderer? I think this would be a fine opportunity|to give our interns real-world experience.
That means you'll get to ride|in the news chopper.
I'm so jealous.
Better put in for some new interns.
|Good luck! I've got Hugh Downs up here.
I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career|all over the pavement.
- Hey, why me? Why the media?|- I've got my reasons.
Dan Rather thinks he can condense|a whole day's events into a half-hour.
Don't get me started on that arrogant jerk.
- Really? You know him?|- I'm Hugh Downs.
I know everybody.
- In fact, he's down there.
|- Where? Ha-ha! See ya later, sucker! And by the way,|Rather is an OK guy in small doses.
Look how close we're getting, Meg.
Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! - (gunshots)|- (screaming) Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down! Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's|so much of life I haven't experienced! I never got the chance to be some|drunk college guy's last resort! My years of expensive orthodontic work|will be a total waste! - I never even had my first kiss!|- It's not too late, Meg.
I'm here for you.
- (gunshot)|- Time to sign off.
Remember me, dirt bag? Wow! You saved|those kids' lives, Mr Downs.
All in a day's work.
If you ever need me, just blow this whistle,|or call John Stossel's cellphone.
Hugh Downs away! Honey, thank God you're safe.
|We were so worried.
We now go to junior anchor Neil Goldman with exclusive footage|from today's exciting scene.
Thank you, Diane.
There may have been|some commotion on the rooftop, but the real story was inside the mouths|of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman, where a meeting of the tongues,|a summit of saliva, established a new world order of love.
Agh! Let's watch it one more time|in super slow-mo.
This is where we cease to be Meg and Neil and begin life anew as Meil.
Oh, my God.
He put it on TV? Isn't that cute, Peter?|Our daughter's first love.
I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs|right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
I'm allergic to peanuts! You don't know anything about me! Who was that guy? Constable, I'd like to report|the theft of my tricycle.
Oh, look at the little baby.
|Aren't you cute! Where's your mommy? How dare you condescend to me?|I demand justice! I'm here to turn myself in.
I have|a dismembered hooker bleeding in my trunk.
Oh, look at the little baby.
|Aren't you cute! Where's your mommy? (scoffs) (gasps) - Where did you get that shirt?|- From Neil.
Hello, lover.
Neil, what are you doing?|I'm not your lover.
I don't even like you.
Meg, I strongly suggest you hold|my hand, lest you look like a slut.
Tell these people that there's|nothing going on between us.
Oh, don't be afraid of the fire, Meg.
|I won't let you burn.
(scoffs) Al, why haven't I leaped? Ziggy says you can't leap|until she loves you back.
Don't worry, I'll get her.
What do you want to work on?|Cardio? Upper body? Upper body.
I need to get buff,|so I can get my tricycle back.
Luckily, we're running a special|for the next 17 minutes.
OK.
That's a little unusual but OK, tell me.
The normal plan is 78 months|at 40 a month and 200 down.
Watch this.
- Forget the down.
|- Yeah.
Goodbye 40 a month, let's do 35.
- 35.
That's the cheapest?|- Yeah, hang on, hang on.
Trace, can you bring me|some free gym bags? I could probably just do|some push-ups at home.
Let's start you off with a body-fat test,|maybe a heart rate.
You're not hearing me.
I don't think|this is for me.
Thanks, anyway.
And for the future,|you came on a little strong.
- What's going on here?|- We invited Neil's family over for dinner.
- Hi.
|- Hello.
- You what?!|- To get to know 'em better.
Seeing as you two|will one day bless our home with the pitter-patter|of grandchildren as ugly as sin.
Meg, you never told me your mother|was such a stone-cold fox.
- Now I see where you get it.
|- Meg, he's so charming.
My name is Chris.
I'm supposed to be on my best behaviour|tonight and not mention poo.
Oh, God, what have I done?! Well, let's eat.
I think it's very, very nice that our children|had this wonderful kiss.
I remember when Muriel and I had|our first kiss, and it was just awful.
Oh, just awful.
We were both very sick.
|Weren't we, dear? Ugh, we were terribly sick.
We were both 14 and it was winter|and we had terrible head colds.
Mine especially was very bad.
I had terrible|mucus coming out from inside my nose.
And the other children,|they were very nasty to me.
They said bad, hurtful things to me.
They called me Tasty Cakes, and they would beat me|and stick pine cones in my ass.
- Those were very bad times.
|- I'm sorry to hear that.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go throw up.
Please flush the toilet twice.
Once for the bulk, and again for the|remainder.
Thank you.
Oh, she's a dear.
You're blocking my light, you stupid baby! My hooligan friend,|I've been racking my brain in a fruitless attempt|to resolve our unpleasantness.
But then it dawned on me.
Your cruelty|merely stems from a deep-seated inner pain.
The obvious remedy|is a healthy dose of outer pain! Children washing cars to raise money|for charity.
Is anything more arousing? We go to Meg Griffin for a special Channel|Five junior anchor segment on the moon.
(Meg) The moon.
There's a reason|no one goes there.
It's cold, and it's ugly.
Its surface is plagued|with craters and jagged peaks.
(gasp) Oh, wait! That's not the moon.
|It's Neil Goldman's face.
Recently, many of you saw me|kissing this freak of nature.
If I wasn't seconds away from death,|I wouldn't have done it.
I mean, who in their right mind would?|I went to the streets to find out.
Would you kiss this guy? - Ugh! No!|- No way! - No!|- No! - No!|- No! Oh, God, no!|What's the matter with you? Oh! It's official.
Neil Goldman isn't kissable.
Hear that, Neil? I don't like you.
|I never will! Back to you, Tom.
Thank you, Meg.
I guess beggars|can be choosers.
And now this.
- Well, well.
Isn't this a darling picture!|- Let me go, man! - How old are you, Charlie?|- Seven.
Seven? Well, my, my.
|You're practically a lady.
Ironic that your fate|is in the hands of an infant.
- Now tell me where my tricycle is!|- I don't know.
I lost it.
- Agh!|- I have other ways of obtaining the truth.
No! Don't! - Stewie? Look what I found.
|- My trikey! - What's going on down here?|- We're playing house.
That boy is all tied up.
Roman Polanski's house.
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
|Our top story: The president has been shot.
Tragedy strikes the nation.
|The president has been shot.
Why's the president in this casket?|We'll tell you.
- Nice job on that report last night.
|- Wow! Thanks, Mr Tucker.
That means so much coming|from someone so handsome.
- How'd you like to pick up my dry-cleaning?|- Sure.
But isn't that Neil's job? - Little jerk hasn't been in all day.
|- He hasn't? A breaking story! A geek is on top of|Town Hall! He's about to jump! - Oh, my God! Neil!|- Is it Neil? I've been calling him Ned all week.
Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump.
I was just a piece of eye candy|that she turned into an all-day sucker.
(screams) Mr Tucker! Thank God you're here!|Someone's got to do something! He'll fall! I'm on it.
Have that cartoon sound-effect|guy cue up the (falling whistle) Top it off with a (splat) And if there's time, be ready with a|"Wah, wah, wah, wah.
You don't care about him at all, do you? All you care about are your stupid ratings!|You're a horrible man! - Neil, I'm sorry!|- Meg? - There he goes!|- Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff! Neil! - Meg! You do care!|- Don't read too much into this, Neil.
It's hard not to when I'm lying|right on top of you.
Just because you're repulsive and|the most annoying person on the planet, and I'm not the only one who thinks so,|doesn't mean I want you to kill yourself.
Thanks, Meg.
But I was never|really planning to jump.
Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody!|This guy's a great big phony!