Family Guy s05e03 Episode Script

Oh, yes! I slam it, and you can suck it! Joe, that was our last ball.
Eh, don't worry.
Mr.
Moose will help us out.
Won't you, Mr.
Moose? Fine.
Knock-knock.
Ping pong balls! Hey, hey, guys, look at me.
I'm covered in balls.
- Just like - Just like Sharon Stone.
Ah, you beat me to it.
Man, I haven't had this much fun since I was in that Broadway show.
I'm a wolverine And my hatred keeps me warm A wolverine, so you Russians best be warned Shooting Commies, drinking deer blood Peeing in the radiator Look up there, here comes a really angry Russian helicopter It has been a red dawn.
Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
- No! - We're just getting started! Oh, Meg is my least favorite of all your children.
It's all right, we'll just move the party to the skating rink.
Who's sober enough to drive? Ah, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway, because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home.
Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is-is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that.
You take a bus.
I'm that kind of drunk.
Shotgun.
Dad, where have you been? I've been waiting for over an hour.
Grab some wood there, bub.
Daddy and his friends have been drinking.
And we're gonna keep on drinking until we each uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse by a trusted religious official.
Oh, that's crazy tal Oh, my God.
Minister Washington, how could you?! Man, look at all these chicks! Oh, wow.
Wow.
If I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against glass in public just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill! How do I stop?! Use the rubber stoppers on the front.
Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! Never mind.
Boy, you look a lot better from the back.
You jerk! Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.
That was awesome! Oh, my God, that was completely by accident.
That was great fun.
I don't even remember why we came, but I had a ball.
I look forward to reminiscing about this tomorrow.
Dad! Wait! You forgot me again! You need a lift? Oop, didn't answer me quick enough.
Remember those sweet, warm New England summers? Remember sipping lemonade underneath a shady tree? Remember when you hit that pedestrian with your car at the crosswalk and then just drove away? Pepperidge Farm remembers.
But Pepperidge Farm ain't just gonna keep it to Pepperidge Farm's self free of charge.
Maybe you go outand buy yourself some of these distinctive Milano cookies, maybe this whole thing just disappears.
Meg, what happened? Fat Ass and his drunk friends left me at the roller rink.
You know, this wouldn't have happened if I had my own car.
Meg, people have always found ways to get around without a car.
Look at Iceman.
Honey, where'd you go when you went out last night? Uh, just over to Tom's house.
Played some poker, had some brewskis, you know.
Really? Then would you mind explaining that? At least they know how to touch a man.
Oh, walk away.
You know, Peter, maybe Meg having her own car - isn't such a bad idea.
- Yeah, I guess so.
What?! I have been trying to get a sewing machine for months, but she gets a freakin' car just like that?! I hate this place.
Look at all these Hummers.
What kind of jerk would drive one of those? Dude, this car kicks ass! And I can watch Madagascar while I'm driving! What kind of music do you like, Gloria? Hippo-hop.
Dude, those animals are so fucking funny, they make me want to merge without looking! Yeah! Rumsfeld! Hi, there, can I help you folks? Yeah, uh, my daughter's looking for a car that goes with her personality.
Yes, are the new bulimic cutting mobiles in yet? This is a 1996 sedan.
Excellent gas mileage, air bags and AM/FM cassette.
I love it! Dad, this is the car.
Eh, hang on a second, Meg.
What can you tell me about this one? Oh, that's just an old tank I use for those commercials where I declare war on high prices.
Now, about that sedan Hang on there, slick.
Now I see your game.
We come in here wanting a practical car, but then you dangle this tank in front of me and expect me to walk away.
Now, I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
Now, I demand you tell me more about this tank.
Well, if you're looking for quality, then look no further.
That's more like it.
Tell me, what are the tank's safety features? What a good-looking question.
Three inches of reinforced steel protects your daughter from short-range missile attacks.
I see.
And does the sedan protect against missiles? It does not.
Ah, you hear that, Meg? Yeah, it does not protect against missiles.
See, these these are the questions.
This is why I'm here.
Peter, you can't be serious.
This is a 30-ton war machine.
I'm still not sure.
Did I mention the tank is a tank? Sold.
Okay, Lois, you can open your eyes.
Boccie balls! I bought a tank! Are you out of your mind?! Let me show you how the gun works.
What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, Peter, can you blow that towel rack down here? Thank you.
Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman star in Neil Simon's The Even Couple.
I ordered a pizza, I hope that's okay.
Sure, I love pizza.
This half of the apartment is mine.
But if you want to come over here, that's okay, too.
This isn't spaghetti, it's linguini.
You're right, it is! I always get those confused.
Hey, all of us are human.
I'm glad we're friends.
Yeah, this is really working out.
There's no conflict in this movie! When are you gonna get rid of that stump?! I've been asking you for months to get rid of that stump! I'll do it, all right?! Just get off my back! She's gone.
We can finally be together.
But, Tim, I'm rooted to the ground.
We'll find a way.
We'll find a way.
My God, it's hot.
Brian, did you turn off the air conditioner? Just open a window.
Air conditioners are harmful to the ozone layer.
Brian, please.
Save your hippie B.
S.
for the winter months, okay? Hey, Brian.
I'm not gonna recycle this aluminum can.
I'm just gonna throw it in the trash.
Ha! you are earth's bitch! Morning, civilians.
General Griffin reporting for breakfast.
Dad, it's not fair.
My money paid for that tank, and I haven't even gotten to drive it yet.
Jeez, Meg, you always got to ruin my good time.
Just like basic cable.
We now return to Showgirls.
- Yeah! - On TBS.
Aw.
All right, Meg, you got a feel for the controls.
Now give it a little gas.
Oh, great, it's here.
That mirror I bought on eBay.
Oh, my God! Joe, my God, what happened? You just ran over me, you bastard.
I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it! Look at you.
You look like a half-empty toothpaste.
We now return to The Ghost Whisperer.
I don't understand.
Why do all you ghosts come to me? You're-you're really Um, you have a knack f We-we just trust you.
I can't believe you let Mr.
Swanson confiscate the closest thing I had to a car.
Relax, Meg, it's not the worst thing I've ever done.
You remember that favor I did for that park ranger? Hey, Boo Boo, let's see what we got in this pic-a-nic basket.
Tell the other bears what you just saw.
Well, I don't care.
'Cause you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a job and buy a real car.
Hey, Meg, I'll pay you a dollar a day to smell my sneakers.
Oh! I peed and pooped.
You know, I read that they're opening a Superstore USA across town.
Maybe you could get a job there.
No, no, no way.
You cannot work there, Meg.
Giant mega-stores like Superstore USA are ruining this country.
They don't pay their employees a decent wage or give them health benefits.
Oh, yeah, all gay guys hate Superstore USA.
- What? - Hmm? Hey, I'm just trying to be ethical.
Yeah, right.
You hate all megastores, ever since you were petted way too hard by that special boy in front of Kmart.
Doggie! Doggie! - Doggie! - Too hard.
- I like doggie! - Too hard.
- Doggie! - Gonna bite.
Doggie! Oh, Jeez.
Welcome to the Superstore family, Meg.
- Glad to have you.
- Thanks.
I'm really excited to get to work.
Now, let me just go over a few basics.
You'll earn minimum wage, no overtime, no health benefits, and every day at 3:00, you'll need to give Sloth a Baby Ruth.
Oh, it's nearly 3:00, now.
Here you go.
You're beautiful.
I would go out with you if I wasn't already in a committed relationship.
Hey, guys, what's going on? Oh, Peter, Superstore USA has taken all my business.
Mine, too.
In fact, the only guy in town making any money is that guy who makes tumbleweeds.
Y'all laughed at me.
Y'all laughed at me.
Well, who's laughing now? What do you think of this? That makes you attractive.
Yeah! Well, maybe now, you guys are seeing what I've been trying to explain to you.
That mega store is a big, evil corporation that means nothing but trouble for this town.
Aw, man, this is the worst thing to happen to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws.
Looks like someone's a little lost.
Everyone, I have some bad news.
Superstore USA has their own brewery on-site and can sell beer at a much cheaper price.
So management has decided to close down.
- You mean, I'm out of a job again? - I'm sorry, Peter.
Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house.
Okay, find the Easter egg.
I know where it is.
It's in your butt.
No.
Yeah, I know the story, it's in your butt.
Mr.
Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds - I'm sure you'd find it.
- Nope, in your butt.
- Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor.
- In your butt.
- Mr.
Griffin.
- Butt.
You know what, just get the hell out of here.
Fine.
Weirdo.
So, how was work today, Meg? Oh, Peter, you lost your job because of the Superstore, you shouldn't blame Meg.
And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg.
" So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? Meg.
Meg.
Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg.
Meg.
I'm not going to sit here and take this.
I'm the only one in this family who has a job.
Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
What did he just say to you? Nothing,th-there was Well, it-it's like if you were F- Forget it, it's nothing, Meg.
- Hello.
I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons.
At the top of the news, Quahog is suffering it's worst heat wave in a century.
That's right, Diane.
We now go live to Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather report.
How are you beating the heat, Ollie? - Swimmin' hole.
- Thanks, Ollie.
In other news, Quahog will be experiencing rolling blackouts to help meet Superstore USA's extensive power demands.
Oh, in fact, Channel Five has just received this message from the Electric Company.
Hey, you guys! We're gonna turn it on We're gonna bring you the power It's coming down the line, Strong as it can be, Through the courtesy The Electric Company.
The Electric Company.
Contrary to those upbeat lyrics, the Electric Company would like us to emphasize it will not be bringing you the power.
Great, rolling blackouts.
Now, Superstore USA is siphoning off all the city's power.
And they cost me my job.
Mine, too.
Superstore USA has their own paper route.
That new paper boy done gone and broke my sternum.
Ah, this sucks.
That damn Superstore's ruining everything.
You know, instead of sitting around complaining, why don't we go down there and protest? That's a great idea, Brian.
All we need is some magic markers, posterboard, some plywood Actually, Superstore USA has all that stuff.
We can just get it there.
There's one of them now.
Take that for stealing jobs from hardworking people.
Dad, what the hell are you doing? We got a message for you.
We're here, we're queer, get used to it.
- Uh, actually, Peter - Gattaca, Gattaca! Peter, I don't think it's working.
People are still going into the store.
Well, fine, then I guess I got to go in there and drag 'em out one by one.
All right, who the hell is in charge Ah ah, wha-what is that I'm feeling? That's our industrialsized air conditioner.
Wow.
When I walk into Superstore USA, I get the sensation that I'm standing on a mountain top with the wind blowing through my hair.
My God, look at this wonderland of treasures.
What would a guy like me have to do to be part of this magical world? You are trespassing on private property and I must ask you to leave.
What? Are you out of your mind? Leave this lot, losers.
Unless you want a licking.
And we'd love to deliver that licking, right, fellas? - Yeah.
Love it.
- A lot.
I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop in Lillehammer.
God, I wish the power would come back on.
Boy, Meg, I am so looking forward to this job.
Peter, I can't believe you're working for Superstore USA.
How could you sell out like that? Because, Brian, they have an industrialsized air conditioner.
And I'm tired of sitting in balls soup.
Look, Dad, this isn't going to be a cakewalk, all right? I'm your supervisor.
Meg, Meg, I promise I'll do better at this job than I did on the SAT's.
Come on.
Do math.
Dad, I need you to Dad, what are you doing? Meg, Meg, look, Meg look.
I am so freaking good at coloring.
I know I'm not supposed to go outside the lines, but I do anyway because I like being myself.
Dad? Dad? Dad? Oh, God, it's so hot.
Uh, Brian, spit on me.
Oh, that's nice.
Now, tell me I'm scum.
- How will that cool you off? - Hmm? God, it's awful in here.
This is even worse than getting herpes from a toilet seat.
Joanie, it's me.
Oh, hey.
You know, I had such a great time with you last night.
Listen, there's something I have to tell you.
I just got back from the doctor.
I have herpes.
I think you should get yourself checked out.
- Oh, my God.
- Will you stay? What? Will you stay with me, even knowing that I have herpes? Yes, I will.
- Joanie? - Yeah? I don't have herpes.
I just needed to know that you'd stay.
You say I only hear what I want to I've had it, the only place in town that's got power is Superstore USA, while the rest of us are left to bake in the heat.
There's got to be something we can do to take that place down.
Don't worry, Brian, I think I've got an idea.
Oh, yeah.
Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find a assault rifles? Aisle 6.
How about a list of known local homosexuals? Aisle 4.
Meg, you're doing a great job.
In fact, I'm promoting you to assistant manager.
Really? Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
Now, your first responsibility is to fire that employee.
Boy, I'm a little chilly.
I hope no one notices.
But that's my dad.
What's more important to you, your job or your family? And don't pick the obvious one.
Oh, hey, guys, I was just catching up on some plunger nipples.
Dad, um Go on, Meg.
What are you waiting for? Dad, I'm sorry I have to say this, but you're a fat ass who's completely incapable of performing the simplest tasks.
But you're also my father.
And you're the only one I'll ever have.
So, I'm not going to fire you.
Mr.
Penisberg, I quit.
Penisberg? Yeah, yeah, get it all out of your system.
Meg, that was a wonderful thing you just did for me.
I can't believe this is coming out of my mouth, but I love y So, you got a tank.
Big whoop.
Want to fight about i Huh, well, I'm glad that Superstore USA is gone.
That place was nothing but trouble.
And I think we learned something.
Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
Dad, you were about to say something in the store.
No, I don't think so.
No, I'm sure of it.
Oh, I don't know, something about Hardcastle and McCormick? No, you were going to say you loved me.
You love me and you know it.
Hey, hey, mouth, young lady.
Well, you think you'll look for another job, Meg? Meg! Meg.
Meg.
Uh-oh.
Pardon me.