Family Guy s08e10 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those Good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Now our feature presentation, Lawrence of Arabia presented in its original ultra-CinemaScope letterbox format.
Well, I can't see anything.
Who's the rather attractive girl on the camel? That's Peter O'Toole.
You film buffs might enjoy this.
Both his first and last names are slang for penis.
We interrupt this program to bring you exciting news.
Family Feud will be coming to Quahog.
Auditions are being held tomorrow at the civic center.
Also, 6 million German Jews suddenly show up.
Find out where they've been at 11.
Family Feud's coming to Quahog? Peter, we should try out.
A family could win $5000 on that show.
Five thousand dollars? I could get that cave for the front yard I've wanted.
Then tell people not to go in there.
Hey, you kids stay out of that cave.
You don't know what's in there.
Money well spent.
We're looking for fun, interesting families the viewers will wanna watch.
You have any interesting stories? Tell them about the stitches thing when Chris was born.
I'll tell it.
Lois' vagina was so wrecked they had to sew it up open up a new vagina next to it.
Like when they build a bridge next to the old bridge.
Like, "I can't believe I used to use the old one.
It looks unsafe.
" All right, enough clowning around.
We wanna play the Feud.
Well, you're in luck.
The other family we've chosen has three daughters.
So we're picking you because you have three sons.
- But I'm not - Shut up, Greg.
It's time for the Family Feud.
Introducing the Callaghan family.
Ready for action.
And the Griffin family.
On your marks, let's start the Family Feud.
With the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Aw, you're lovely.
I haven't heard that much applause since Bob Crane premiered his home movies in my closet.
All right, let's play the Feud.
A hundred people surveyed, top answers on the board.
Here's the question.
Name something you find in your bathroom.
- A sink.
- Show us sink.
Three answers on the board that can beat that.
Name something you find in your bathroom.
Find in your bathroom.
Find in your bathroom.
I'm gonna go with fetus in the toilet bowl.
Show us fetus in the toilet bowl.
- Play or pass? - We're gonna play.
Oh, this must be your lovely wife.
Oh.
Uh-uh.
I've been waiting for this for years.
I want you to wear me like a pinkie ring.
Okay, Lois.
Name something you find in your bathroom.
Okay.
How about bathtub? Yeah.
Yes.
All right, Lois.
Okay, name something you find in your bathroom.
Um, a razor blade and a note? Aww.
Ooh, that's a strike.
Can't do anything but take that personally.
Young Chris Griffin.
- So, what are your hobbies, Chris? - Masturbating.
We should form a club.
All right, name something you find in your bathroom.
Me masturbating.
All right, show me him masturbating.
All right, you've got two strikes.
Name something you'd like to receive as a gift.
- Candy? - Show me candy.
Aww.
Wait, we're out? But you said if I slept with you All right, here's your chance to win the game.
Name something you'd like to receive as a gift.
- Groceries.
- Assorted lotions.
- An Uzi.
- A dead squirrel.
- Money.
All right, good answer.
- Good answer.
Money.
My family seems to think money's the way to go.
I'm gonna go with the flute that Capt.
Picard played first in his imagination then in real life in "The Inner Light" from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
What? No.
You idiot.
We said money.
Show me Picard's flute.
Now that's the answer.
- How did you? - I was in the survey.
We're going to the bonus round.
Okay, Lois.
Fifteen seconds on the clock.
Name something you sit in.
- A chair.
- My own feces.
Name a popular fruit.
- Orange.
- Clay Aiken.
Something in your closet.
- Shoes.
- Scary monsters.
Your favorite holiday.
- Christmas.
- 9/11.
Something you do on the weekends.
- Go to church.
- Black guys.
All right, something you sit in.
You said chair.
Survey said: Wait a sec.
I said feces.
Where's my answer? You're just gonna pretend I'm not here.
Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny.
- Hello? - Hey, Phil.
It's Robin Williams.
Ha-ha-ha! That's hilarious.
I wanted to make sure the meeting is on for 2:30 otherwise I gotta go to that Chinese dentist.
Get it? Tooth hurty? Ha-ha-ha! You son of a bitch.
I had a mouthful of coffee.
God, you are funny and that is real.
Okay, Peter.
Lois did great.
You only need one point to win the $5000.
Twenty seconds.
Name something you sit in.
- Chair.
Try again.
- Big chair.
- No, that's the same thing.
Try again.
- High chair.
- That's still a chair.
- Chair.
- Say something other than chair.
- What if I can't think of anything? - Pass.
- How do I pass? - Say it.
- Say what? - Say pass.
Chair.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Your time is up and you didn't score enough points.
- But thank you for playing.
- What? That's it? We lose? I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed having you here.
You son of a bitch.
What about my cave in the yard? What about my cave in the yard? Get your hands off me.
I served in the fictitious military.
Peter.
Oh, my God.
Are you all right? What happened? Where am I? - Who are you? - I'm Lois.
Lois who? - Who the hell am I? - Uh-oh.
Mrs.
Griffin, I'm afraid your husband has amnesia.
- Oh, my God.
Is it permanent? - Well, there's no telling for sure.
His memory could return in days, weeks, years, or never.
Or weeks.
Peter, I want you to meet your family.
You're my family? That's right.
These are your children.
Dad, I'm Chris.
I'm your son.
- Never seen you before in my life.
- Wow, then I must be invisible.
Hey, everybody.
I'm invisible.
Oh, no, you're not.
Hot diggety.
- This is Meg, your daughter.
- D'oh! No, Peter.
That's not your catch phrase.
Oh, sorry.
I just don't remember anything.
Dad, this is your baby and your dog.
Ooh, he doesn't remember us.
It's an opportunity to come up with our names.
I'm Tomax and this is Zamot.
We're twins who can feel each other's pain.
Ow.
No.
Brian, I'm supposed to say "ow.
" You ruin everything.
Ow.
We're gonna try to jog your memory with some old videotapes of the family.
Boy, you got a lot of tapes here.
I kind of wanna watch some of these instead.
- Pretty Woman? What's that? - It's a movie from the '80s.
Oh, my God.
We gotta watch this.
Look what they're saying about it.
"As funny as it is touching.
" Gene Shalit.
"I stood up and cheered.
Go, Julia, go.
" Joel Siegel.
"This movie made me laugh so hard I had mild headaches.
" So I went to the doctor and got myself checked out.
I'm currently awaiting results.
" Gene Siskel.
Everyone seems to love this.
We gotta watch it.
We'll watch it later, Peter.
I wanna show you one of the most special times of your life and mine.
Our honeymoon.
I think you've had enough, Peter.
Oh, you don't know.
Get away.
I know my body better than you.
Is that us? Yes, Peter.
You were so handsome and it was such a wonderful week.
Hey, buddy.
I think that girl likes me.
Of course she does.
She's your wife.
Do you like her? I don't know.
You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys.
We have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten.
- Have you heard this awesome song? - No.
Well bird, bird, bird Bird's the word Well bird, bird, bird Bird's the word This is called a telephone, Peter.
You use it to talk to people who aren't in the house.
- There are others? - Yes.
There are over 6 billion people in the world.
Here, I'll show you.
We'll call my parents.
Hello? - Hello.
- Who's this? - Who's this? Carter.
Who's this? I don't know.
- Do you have my OxyContin? - What? - Are you the guy? - I'm a guy.
I want my drugs.
What are drugs? I don't think this is the call I was expecting.
Now, Peter, this is your silverware.
You see, this is your fork and this is a knife.
That's not a knife.
That's a knife.
- This is also a knife.
- Oh.
Well, I'll be on my way.
I wanna see more of him and then suddenly, none of him forever.
You know what? This is not working.
If you're gonna learn to drive, you have to practice first.
Here.
Play "Grand Theft Auto" for eight hours and then we'll give it another try.
Stewie, what's wrong? Fat man.
He changed my diaper.
- So? - Brian, he put it up inside.
Oh, God.
Look, he didn't know what he was doing.
He's still without his memory.
How am I going to get it out? I'd have to poop a diaper into a diaper.
That's how you end up in another dimension.
Gee, that's rough.
I need a friend, Brian, like I have never needed a friend before.
Oh, damn it.
All right, I'll take it out.
Oh, God, that smells like the food foreign guys reheat at work.
Oh, God, what is that smell? Oh, did somebody light a box of Band-Aids on fire? Would anyone like to try my gimbap? So you guys are my best friends and this is where we hang out? That's right.
I'm Quagmire and this is Joe.
So, what do we do here? We usually come here, you buy us drinks and tell us what Lois's nipples look like, like you always do.
- Giggity-giggity.
- But first you usually go over there and pull down that blond waitress's top.
She screamed so I had to slap her.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Get nude.
Get nude.
Please get nude.
Please get nude.
Peter, you don't have to spy on me.
You're my husband.
Come on in.
Oh, boy.
No fooling? Oh, boy.
Wait a minute.
Something's happening in my pants.
In the front this time.
That's all right, Peter.
It just means you're excited.
That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife.
It means you wanna make love.
- But I forget how to make love.
- Shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
That's okay.
I'll show you.
Just follow my lead.
It feels like the first time It feels like the very first time Wow.
That was what they call sex? Yes, it was, Peter.
- Can we do it again, huh? Huh? Can we? - Wow.
You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple.
Hey, good looking.
Where have you been all my life? Morning, people, who I don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.
Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.
You got a point there, hot stuff.
If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Yay! What? No.
No, Peter.
You can't have sex with the kids.
Well, I wish you told him that before he lost his memory.
It was a joke.
I was just making a joke.
That's your sense of humor? I was just kidding.
God.
Meg, that's awful.
You open your mouth for a joke and that's what you come up with? That's messed up.
- I was just trying to be funny.
- That wasn't funny.
That was dark.
Yeah.
That's your father.
Okay, out, Meg.
Get out of the kitchen.
Go on, get out.
Out, out, out.
Out of the kitchen.
Go on.
Now, get out of here.
Oh, Peter, there you are.
I've been waiting.
You ready to have sex? You bet.
Move over so Tiffani and I have room.
What? Who the hell is she? The woman I'm gonna have sex with tonight.
Oh.
Don't worry about getting me pregnant.
I'm already pregnant.
What's the matter with you? You can't just have sex with some random woman.
- Why the hell not? - Because we're married.
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't remember marrying anybody.
Why would I commit to having sex with one person for the rest of my life? Because we love each other.
That's part of being a family.
It means being responsible and faithful.
That doesn't sound very fun.
Well, if that's how you feel, then we no longer have a family.
I'm glad you said it, but this is my house and I'm not going anywhere.
You don't have to.
I'm leaving and I'm taking the kids with me.
- That's a beautiful necklace, Tiffani.
- Thank you.
Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money? Mom, I don't wanna live in a tiny, gross apartment.
Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice.
Your father doesn't remember his life and he doesn't want us to be a part of it.
So we've just gotta move on.
Oh, this is disgusting.
I shouldn't be here.
A baby doesn't belong in the inner city anymore than a baby belongs on a plane.
Shh.
It's gonna be okay, gonna be okay.
Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock.
Peter, what the hell is all this? I'm a bachelor so I invited a bunch of people over.
Now I'm waiting for them to leave.
That's what bachelors do.
I'm interested in the redhead with wooden arms and legs there.
- You think you'd introduce me? - That's a table.
Don't point at her.
She's looking Oh, great.
Now I gotta go in.
Hey, I'm Seamus.
Man, I'm telling you, this party is on the hook, man.
Oh, you said it, friend.
Don't let me near a cassette player or I will be disc-jockey all night.
Where is the alcoholic? I will guzzle 4 hecaliters and that will very quickly get me to the buzzers.
Ha, ha.
You're crazy.
Your head is on sidewards, man.
- Peter, you left your family for this? - I don't know what I was doing before but this is the way man was meant to live.
I just know it.
Check it out.
Oh.
- Don't you miss your family? - What? That lady and those kids? I don't remember them.
How could I? I almost don't wanna ask you out because you'll say no.
You wanna go out? No? Okay.
Giggity.
Giggity.
Gi, gi, gi, gi Giggity! Lois.
Oh, my gosh.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Quagmire.
What a surprise.
I know.
Right? Gosh.
I was picking up hams to take down to the shelter.
Here I run into you buying food to make dinner for your husband.
Uh, no.
Actually, maybe you haven't heard but Peter and I aren't together anymore.
What? Why? Oh, it's a long story.
You don't wanna hear about it.
Shut your face.
I wanna hear all about it.
Listen, I got all this shopping to do.
You wanna stop by tomorrow night? I'll just whip something up? Well, sure.
You know, that sounds nice, Glenn.
Holy smokes.
This is a sure thing.
Like the end of a Mexican wedding.
Aw, crap.
We're out of milk.
I'm gonna run next door to the airport and get some.
When you're over there, can you get traps? We've got a giant mutant rat living under the sink.
I'm just gonna hide under the sink till y'all go to sleep.
Then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kix.
Is Lois back yet? I'm trying to get ahold of her.
- Oh, she went to Quagmire's for dinner.
- What? Oh, that was a delicious dinner, Glenn.
I didn't know you could cook.
When a fellow's been alone as long as I have, he learns to take care of himself.
You're a very sweet friend and you're so good to listen to my troubles.
Oh, I could listen for hours, Lois.
Whoo.
Boy, you know, I don't know how a half a glass of wine got me so lightheaded.
I better lie down.
You want me to help you upstairs? Oh, my God.
You are a saint.
Oh, I think I can make it from here.
l Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoops.
Professor Klutz, the doctor is in.
Oh, where is this heading? - Hi, Brian.
- All right, Peter.
I know your head is still a blank slate, but listen to me when I say - Wait.
Did you just call me Brian? - Oh, yeah.
- You've got your memory back? - Uh-huh.
Happened yesterday on my way back from the grocery store.
Hi, Peter.
You just snubbed me in front of my own house.
I thought we'd come to an understanding.
I don't know who you are and I don't want to.
Why don't you go back to your crabgrass? This happens to be fresh marathon sod.
Oh, man.
I just got my memory back.
And as I recall, I don't really care for you.
Wait a minute, who are you? Hey, I know you.
What's your beef, stranger? Well, if it isn't my old nemesis.
I was lucky he had an odd number of objects.
Why didn't you tell anybody? I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few days before getting Lois back.
You may have waited too long.
Lois is on a date with Quagmire.
Stop her before something happens.
- What? Oh, my God.
Where is she? - She's next door at his house.
Better get there quick because with Quagmire, sex is inevitable.
Like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave.
So does anyone want dessert? - Oh, I couldn't eat another bite.
- No, I gotta get home for the sitter.
- I'll have the soufflé.
- That takes 45 minutes.
That's okay.
Oh, I can't believe we're doing this, but I gotta say it feels kind of right.
I know.
It's so weird, right? I mean, it's, like, fast.
I mean, it's fast, but it feels like, okay, you know? I mean, like, isn't that crazy? It's like this adventure that we're having together.
I know.
That's exactly how I feel.
I mean, it's a little strange but if Peter's never coming back to me it's at least nice to know I'm in the arms of a trusted friend.
You You trust me? - Uh-oh.
- What? Is something wrong? I don't know.
I'll be right back.
Damn it.
- Lois.
- Peter? What are you doing here? I got my memory back and I love you, Lois.
I want you and the kids back.
I want our old life back.
I don't believe it.
Sweetheart, it's you.
You're back.
Oh, damn it.
I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry.
I treated you so badly but I hope you know it was only because I wasn't myself.
I didn't just lose my memory.
I lost my mind.
Clear.
Damn it.
Oh, my God, Peter.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm just overjoyed to have you back.
Let's go home.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Ah.
Aah!