Family Guy s10e04 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! I was very brave when the doctor gave me that shot, wasn't I, Lois? Yes, Peter, you were very brave.
Even when I knew that he was gonna give me the shot, I just k-kept looking at him in the eye and talking to him about my summer plans.
You did very good.
See, Peter? It wasn't so bad.
Yeah, except for having to sit next to that screaming autistic lady in the waiting room.
I don't know what you want! I don't know how to help! Hi, there.
Excuse me.
I seem to be lost.
Can you guys help me? Oh, my God.
Are you Ryan Reynolds? From The Proposal and The Change-Up and a ton of upcoming stuff? Yeah, that's me.
I was on my way to Newport and I kind of got turned around.
Ofourse, Mr.
Reynolds, we'd be happy to give you directions.
You take 138 to the Jamestown Bridge, and you're gonna follow the There's a fire truck.
Yes, I see it, Peter.
It's a fire truck.
And after the bridge, just follow the signs.
Thanks.
Hey, what happened to your arm? I just went to the doctor, got my cholesterol checked.
Wow, why does a guy in his 20s need to get his cholesterol checked? Oh, come on, now.
Oh, hey, I never got your name.
Uh, Peter.
Peter Griffin.
And I'm Lo Catch you later, Peter.
Wow, he was really nice.
Not like when I met that bitch Shelley Duvall.
Hi, I'm Shelley Duvall.
Very nice to meet you.
Big deal.
Came right up to me, like I was just dying to meet her.
Peter, you're gonna have to let that one go.
Hi, Mrs.
Janetti.
I'm here to pick up Stewie.
Oh, sure, Brian.
He's in the playroom with Gavin.
Gavin- that's a stupid name.
And nobody likes you at school.
You're gonna be ugly when you grow up.
And everything in your house is cheap.
And it smells in here.
Oh, hey, Brian.
Bye! That was fun.
I like Gavin.
Oh, yay! This is such a great song.
Really? Yeah, really.
I don't have to defend Carrie Underwood to you.
She is doing just fine without you.
Brian, I'm just going to sit in the car till the song's over.
All right, but don't take to long; it'll drain the battery.
Oh, shut up.
It's not draining the battery.
I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights I slashed a hole in all four tires Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats I should be on Glee.
I should be on Glee! I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl Oh, my God.
I just drove.
That was amazing.
I can drive! Now I can do a slow cruise past my ex-girlfriend's apartment.
Doing it with the lights on now, whore? Don't mind looking at his body? I love you so much, though.
Lois, that dog with the different colored eyes is back.
Ew, and gross! It looks like he's got a boner.
Peter, just leave him alone.
No, this is what Bob Barker's been talking about all these years.
Go on! Get! Get out of here, weird boner dog! Hey, look who it is! Hey, Ryan Reynolds.
What are you doing in Cleveland's house? Well, believe it or not, they've decided to shoot my movie in Quahog instead of Newport.
I'm playing Hitler, but he's a young Hitler and he's got a rocking body.
It's called Hotler.
Ha! Color me seven bucks lighter.
Hey, I'm so excited that we're gonna be neighbors.
We should totally hang out.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Okay, I'm embarrassed.
I'm standing out here without a shirt on and my pajama bottoms are riding insanely low on my hips.
Hey, how much money you make? You'd think enough for a shirt, right? So I'm having this housewarming thing tonight, and I'd love it if you came by.
Anything beats what goes on at my house Friday nights.
Hey, Lois, what's going on here? Oh, it's my book club, Peter.
Come join us.
Oh, okay! All right, let's see, new novel, new novel, new novel.
What's it about? What's it about? A guy a guy who loses everything, but finds his soul in Canada.
All right, we're cooking now.
Cooking now.
And the whole book is an e-mail to his daughter, who's dead.
And his name will be Norm Hull.
Because he's just a normal guy.
But not everybody will get that.
That's just for e scholars a hundred years from now.
Okay, Rupert, you ready to go for a drive? Oh, my God, Rupert, this is such a thrill.
Look at me, I'm driving! I'm driving a real car! I don't believe it! Well, I'd say we need to put on some tunes.
Hey, welcome back to Weenie and The Butt on 97.
1.
97.
1 Ooh, Weenie and The Butt.
Just like the grown-ups listen to.
And that was "Baby" by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris, which means it's time to give away some Justin Bieber tickets.
Oh, that's right, Butt.
Our fifth caller will ween those tickets.
Hey, you know what, Rupert? You know what I should do, just, like, as a goof? I should try to win those Justin Bieber tickets just so I can, like, tear them up or use them to go to t concert.
Oh, it's ringing, Rupert, it's ringing.
I'm too nervous; they're celebrities.
You talk to them.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
I'm in so much trouble.
Congratulations, you're caller number five.
You're going to see Justin Bieber! Oh, sweet Jesus! Yes! Jesse, I won! Never say never! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Brian's gonna be so mad at me.
What am I gonna do? Okay, it's all right.
I'll just get a little bit of paint and cover up the dents.
Unattractive women do it all the time.
You look pretty today, Carol.
Thanks.
It's probably just the dress and the makeup.
Ah, now that I look closer, yeah, I think that's what it is, too.
Hey, you made it! And you brought a friend.
Great.
I'm his wife, Lois.
We actually met the other day.
Oh, sorry, I- I meet so many people.
But there's really no way you could know that.
Yeah, she's a housewife, she don't know.
Whatever.
You got booze in here? Is it me, or did she just make that weird? Please.
It was definitely not you.
Hey, is this shirt too tight? I'm feeling really self-conscious.
No, not at all.
So it-it looks good like this? Yeah, it looks good.
Thanks.
I don't know what to say.
Hey, I got, I got, like, an insider Hollywood question for you.
Is, um, is "L.
A.
" short for something? Ha! You're a riot.
Hey, hey, so what's all this about, everyone in Quahog likes to tickle fight? What is that? What? I never heard that.
Yeah, apparently it's, like, a thing.
It is? Yeah.
I mean, they also said that people who pretend not to have heard of it are chicken.
Well, I ain't no chicken.
One-nothing! No, two-nothing! Three-nothing! Fight over! Fight over! Wow, you got a lot of catching up to do, and tomorrow night in the dark, huh? In the dark? Yeah, if you say so.
Just don't tickle me in my lower abdomen.
I'm super ticklish there.
Lower abdomen.
You're gonna wish you never said that.
This might be totally off the wall, but are you doing anything Thursday night? You probably have plans, anyway.
You know what Forget it, forget it, forget it.
Blah.
Nervous.
You know, Ryan, most people take one look at me and just assume that I have plans, so I never get asked out.
But I-I frequently don't have plans, so yes, I would love to do something with you on Thursday night.
Yes! Oh, my God, right now would be the worst time for you to tickle my lower abdomen, because it's so exposed 'cause I'm cheering.
Yeah, Thursday night! Aw, your big mouth just got you in trouble.
Aw, I lose.
Peter one, you zero.
Oh, I lose again.
Peter two, you zero.
You've been practicing.
We now return to the end of a depressing 1970s sci-fi movie starring a guy in a turtleneck.
We've gone far enough.
I think we're safe from The Corporation here.
Adzin, ook! It can't be.
No! We'll never defeat The Corporation! They've won! There is one way, Adzin.
You can shoot yourself.
If it's the only way, I must.
What the hell?! Stewie, get out here! Look at this.
Do you know anything about this? A- About what? About what a beautiful day it Oh, my God, that is surprising.
Oh, I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised.
What happened? Gee, I don't know.
Do you know what happened? I'm sorry, w-what was that? I- I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night.
What funny thing? Um, y-you remember what you said about Lois's, um, "patoes au rotten"? Huh.
Didn't ink anybody heard that.
Wish you'd laughed at the time.
W- What the hell happened to my car?! Well, I don't know, man, but the good news is, it-it doesn't look all that bad, Brian.
It's just, it's that spot right there that's upsetting you, right? Stewie, I know it was you.
Your potato joke was terrible.
I can't believe you drove my car! You could have gotten yourself killed! I'm gonna have to tell Peter and Lois.
No! No, you can't tell them! I'll be in so much trouble! Stewie, I have to.
All right, I have covered for you plenty of times before, but not this time.
This is very dangerous, and have to make sure you never do it again.
I won't, I swear! Stewie, calm down.
Sometimes in life you just have to accept what's coming to you.
Like the contestant who gets the lesser showcase on The Price is Right.
Lindsay, your showcase is all about relaxation.
And what better place to relax than in your brand-new hammock?! This sturdy and portable hammock from Swingway turns any patio into a tropical paradise.
And you can entertain yourself on your patio by drawing with chalk! Yes, Pratt and Millwood eight-color pastel chalk will turn your patio into a tropical art studio.
But you'll have to pack your chalk because you're going to be staying six days and seven nights at your parents' house in Wilmington, Delaware! I moved my abortion for this.
Um, hey, thanks for taking me out to dinner, Ryan, but I got to say, this food looks a little weird.
Aw, Peter, Moroccan food is the jizz.
I don't know.
Looks like it might give me the kind of farts I get from eating Mexican food.
Con cuidado es el stinko! Hey, do these pants look all right? Sometimes I put them on, and I'm thinking I look all balls.
No, I think you're good.
You think my balls are good? You're so weird.
It's awesome, though.
Oh, I I don't know.
Hey, have you noticed what a jerk the mailman is in this town? Like, he said there is no way Peter Griffin could crush a baby bird with his bare foot while I watched.
That guy talks more crap about me.
Mmm! Oh! Mmm.
You got to taste this lamb tagine.
Mmm.
Here.
No, that no, that's okay.
Come on, you'll love it.
Eh Just a taste.
That was intense.
What you just did.
Lots of Lots of flavors.
Whoops.
Whoa, freeze frame! What's gonna happen next? I think I got to go to the bathroom.
What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be in so much trouble when they find out I wrecked Brian's car! They'll probably ship me off to Siberia.
This sucks.
I hate it here.
Shut up.
Drink wolf milk and watch Russian cartoons.
MAN WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT: We now return to popular Russian cartoon, Shoe and Shoelace.
Shoe and Shoelace! One is meaningless without the other! Well, that's it.
I have nchoice.
I've got to run away.
Guess I'm on my own now, Rupert.
It could be worse, though.
At least I'm not getting stabbed by some random guy on the street.
See? It's the exact opposite.
Oh! It happened anyway! Hey, Stewie, you up? What the Brian, I've decided to run away.
Don't come looking for me.
And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on the plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers.
For example, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around, watching this emotional moment, even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check, but who after you told her of your intentions, said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard of all newly-implemented post-9-11 security measures.
And if you were considerin bringing a boom box to play music, I would suggest any one of these six songs.
So again, ran away.
Don't come after me.
I want to thank you Dirty whores, all of you.
Oh, hey, Peter.
Lois, we got a problem.
I think Ryan Reynolds is in love with me.
What? Don't be ridiculous.
It's true.
Last night we were at this restaurant, and he tried to gay kiss me.
I'm telling you, he wants to get with me.
Peter, come on.
Why would any man dress well, groom himself and lift weights just to sleep with other men? He's not gay.
Well, I don't care what you say.
He likes me.
And we do have chemistry, I- I won't deny that.
I- I I will take responsibility fomy part in this.
I'm just gonna go over there and let him down easy.
Oh, Snooki died.
Last stop.
What? This isn't the airport.
Oh, my God, Rupert! We've got to get out of here! Aah! Damn it! Oh, no, no.
Baby fall down! Is that? Is that Consuela? Baby all alone in street.
I take baby home.
It's me.
Stewie.
Don't you remember? You used to clean for us.
We used to make you use the bathroom at the gas station.
Hey, you! Uh, hey, Ryan.
Uh, bad time? Um, perfect time.
Come on in.
I was just oiling my legs.
So, hey, what's on for tonight? You know, my dentist leaves his office unlocked.
I was thinking we could do some nitrous and then have dinner in there.
Look, Ryan, you're a great guy and everything, but I don't like you in that way.
I mean, there are some things that I would do with you, but my heart wouldn't be in it.
What are you talking about? That you like me, and you want to be my boyfriend.
You think I'm gay? Where did you get that? Uh, uh, you-you tried to kiss me.
Peter, I'm not gay.
What the hell's the matter with you? Look, look, look, let me let me put it to you this way.
I'm attracted to you in the way that a man is attracted to a woman, but I'm not gay.
When you live out in Hollywood, you learn that life is about different spirits and energies you meet along the way.
I just thought maybe our spirits could intertwine, you know? Ouenergies could merge.
Like my spirit could go up inside your energy.
I- I have so much to learn about show business.
But you know what? I could never really be attracted to somebody who uses labels like "gay" and "straight.
" Maybe you should just go.
Well-Well, now, wait a second.
What do you mean? This isn't working.
It was a nice thought, but I think we should go our separate ways.
No, Ryan.
I get it now.
I can be what you want.
We could Peter.
Don't embarrasyourself.
You need to just let this go.
Tickle fight! Tickle fight! No, Peter, no! Tickle fight! Tickle fight! Tickle fight Peter, no! No! Oh, my God It's time for you to leave.
I can change.
I can change.
I'm sorry, Peter.
We're done.
We can never talk again.
Here's a cell phone so we can always talk.
Don't you guys have any tub toys? Here.
Is rattle.
This is prescription medication.
And it's not even your name on the label.
What What is this? What's in this tub? Is jicama.
Jicama? And what is? What? What? This is a chicken leg.
Are you also making soup? For quinceañera.
Big party.
Many peoples.
Oh, my God.
Hay un perro aqui.
¿Doggy es aqui? I bet even you guys don't watch George Lopez.
Consuela? Hey, it's Brian.
I'm-I'm looking for Stewie.
No, no baby aqui.
I peed in your soup.
Happy 15th birthday.
Which, by the way, is not a special occasion in the normal world.
Stewie, I've been worried sick.
What the hell are you doing here? Brian? How did you find me? I used my nose, which I always forget about.
Come on, let's go.
No, I'm not going back! I can't! They're gonna be mad at me! I didn't tell anyone.
You you didn't? No, I didn't.
Look, I thought about it, and to be honest, it's probably my fault for leaving you alone in the car.
And if you promise never to do it again, I won't say anything.
Okay, I promise.
My baby! What? I say, let go of me.
Consuela, we're leaving.
My baby! Hey, she says it's her baby, man.
Now, get out of here.
Is my baby.
Ernesto.
No, I'm not I'm not Ernest Okay, this is so messed up right now.
I did not want to have to do that.
They were very nice to me up until then.
Peter, stop staring outhe window.
Ryan's gone.
He finished his movie, he's moved out.
How could I have been so blind? How could I not have seen what he offered? I think the whole thing was very strange.
He thought you were strange! How about that? Whatever.
I just can't help but wonder will I ever see him again?