Family Guy s10e11 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Stewie, what are you doing? Oh, just doing a little tai chi.
You know how the Asians look 30 until they're 60? This is why.
Of course, then they suddenly look 100, but cross that bridge, you know? Is this a Japanese thing? No, Chinese.
The Japanese have a whole other thing going on.
Hey, you want to see a movie? No, we're Japanese, let's watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus.
Yeah! Suction cup feel good! And of course the most important part of any workout is a proper cool down and a stretch.
What? What is it? I got a splinter! Oh, my God, Stewie, what is it?! Oh, he's just got a splinter.
Oh, my poor baby.
It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart.
It's not just the stairs.
Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.
Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.
Morning, Opie.
Hey, what's going on? You going somewhere? You got fired? Why?! Oh, well, it's no wonder they finally caught you doing that in here.
I mean, the underside of your desk looks like Carlsbad Caverns.
Griffin, say hello to Opie's replacement, Stella.
Nice to meet you.
W-What is this? We doing a new secret handshake now? No, Griffin, she's deaf.
Oh.
Can she read lips? Yes, I can.
So if I do this, I can talk about what a sweet rack she has? Yes, but try not to make a boob-honking gesture with your other hand while you're saying it.
Sorry.
It's okay.
I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Yeah, actually, I do.
Are your other senses better on account of you can't hear? Like, can you smell my farts before they even come out? 'Cause I got one in the pocket right now, and I want to know if I need to feel self-conscious about it.
I can't smell it, no.
I might be able to see it, though.
A lot of people make small movements when they fart.
They twitch their eye or something.
Oh, like subtle giveaways, huh? All right, well, t-tell me if you can see when it happens.
You just farted.
Oh, my God, you saw that?! You can see all my tiny, subtle movements? You just did it again.
Well, this is gonna be a delight! I don't know why Lois always said she had problems with female coworkers.
So Abby, Elaine and Janet have their little lunch clique, and of course I'm not invited.
Seems like you're doing everything and they're doing nothing.
Well, I don't know, but what I do know is that in the staff meeting, - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Christina said my inventory system wasn't feasible.
She's obviously threatened by you.
But when the associate sales manager came back in the room It's ridiculous, and I support you fully.
she told him the idea as if it was hers You can't let them get to you.
They're jealous of what you have.
It's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.
Only you can prevent forest fires.
Hey, Peter, you ready to go to the Clam? Whoa, who's the hot chick? Oh, that's Stella.
You don't have to whisper; she's deaf.
Really? Oh, my God, that's hot.
I didn't know you had a thing for deaf chicks.
Any kind of disabled chick, Peter.
They can do things to you that regular chicks don't even think of.
Besides, you know me.
I'm into a lot of different stuff.
What, did you hear something? No, it's all good.
All right.
You know, Chris, a little friendly advice.
Uh, you're gonna start dating soon; probably good to get in the habit of chewing with your mouth closed.
Doesn't bother me, I'm just-- you know, one friend to another.
Oh, what, you got a problem with me? You think I'm gross? Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Yeah.
This is what you are and this is what I am.
Peter, hurry up! You're missing dinner.
Lois, what the hell?! Oh, my God, Peter, are you okay?! What the hell happened to the stairs?! They're all slippery now! I had them replaced, remember? The old ones were so rough, and Stewie got that splinter, so I thought replacing the wood was the best way to go.
When'd you do that?! The other day, when you spent all that time at the drugstore.
Oh, yeah.
Couldn't figure out if that Hispanic lady worked there or not.
Um excuse me.
Excuse me.
Boy, I wonder where the shampoos are around here.
I said, "I wonder where the shampoos are around here.
" Oh, for God's sake, I almost thought you were a regular person.
Where's the shampoo?! What the hell? Hey, guys, all the action's over here! Quagmire, what is all this? Peter's new coworker gave me an idea.
Welcome to Disabled Ladies Night.
Mine are made from teak.
What are yours made from? Yeah, mine are actually just pressboard with wood veneer.
I can't get wet.
Oh.
I think I see my friends.
Hey, uh, you guys enjoy the carnival.
I'm gonna get a drink at the bar.
Hey, uh, anyone sitting here? No, go ahead.
Thanks.
Hey, would you like to go out sometime? Wow, that was fast.
Yeah, well, you know, I read somewhere that women decide within the first seven seconds if they're interested in you or not, so I figured I wouldn't waste anybody's time.
Fair enough.
Sure, let's go out.
- Really? - Yeah.
Like you said, I've already decided.
I'm Kate.
I'm Brian.
Hey, uh, you want to go outside? Maybe a little quieter.
Sure.
Oh, my God, I Hey, check out Brian with the blind chick.
Hey, don't worry, Brian, you're still doing better than Quagmire.
He got a hooker.
Ha! No, no, but she is a prostitute.
Listen, you know, we can do something else if you want.
Why? I'm having a good time.
Well, I mean, I just don't know how much fun it is for a blind person to go to the movies.
Brian, blind people go to the movies all the time.
We just listen.
I might be blind, but my brain has been trained to listen to any movie and know exactly what's happening on screen.
Like, I loved Titanic.
I'm the king of the world! So you sure you don't need me to come in? Maybe show you to your bed.
Pretty sure I can find it, thanks.
Maybe next time I'll have trouble, though.
You might have to help me find it next time.
So there's a next time.
Definitely.
Great.
Well, all right, good night.
Ugh! Our stupid neighbor's dog barks 24/7.
God, I hate dogs.
Y-You do? Yeah, they're just slobbery, annoying, needy little bastards.
I'm just not really a dog person, I guess.
Oh.
Uh, yeah, me neither.
Dog people can get pretty annoying.
Wow, this is a nice apartment you have.
Is this your dog? Yes.
Isn't he the cutest little cutie wutie? Look how cute he is.
Yes, he's very cute.
Yes, he's cute.
Yes, he's cute, cute, cute, cute.
Look at him.
Look at him.
Look at him.
Okay.
Look at it! Look at that face! Come on! Look at that face! You look at him! Look at that face! Hey, guys, this is driving me nuts.
Was one of the dwarves named Snappy? Kind of well dressed? Or am I-I just making that up? Oh, my God, Dad! Dad, are you okay?! Damn it, I hate these new stairs! Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll just-- I'm-I'm just gonna lie here until the pain goes away.
What are you guys watching? We now return to the first time travel movie with a perfectly functioning time machine.
All right, if I'm correct, this should land us in six million B.
C.
Quick! Get us out of here! Boy, that was close.
Oh, my God, where's Frank?! I'm over here.
Oh, okay.
Brian, if I ever take up roller derby, what do you think my name should be? Bruisin' B.
Anthony, Alicia Sleaze or Quahag? How about Harlot O'Scara? Aw, you dick, that's genius.
How'd your date go? Aw, went great.
We had an awesome time.
She's really smart, really funny.
Cute? Yeah, hot, actually.
I don't know how she does it, but she dresses really well for a blind girl.
I mean, like, her body is just Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? Don't "what" me.
You just said she's blind.
You just said it.
You totally buried the lead.
Yeah, well, it's not that important.
So what if she can't see? She's amazing in every other way.
Okay, if you say so.
Hey, does she have really weird, messed-up eyes? No, her eyes are normal.
They're beautiful, actually.
Bet they're not.
Bet they look like bowls of milk.
Shut up.
You sure she isn't just using you? Seeing-eye dogs are expensive; she may just be trying to get one for free.
No, actually, she doesn't want a seeing-eye dog.
She hates dogs.
What? She doesn't like dogs.
She's just not a dog person.
What? Does she not know you're a dog? How is that possible? Well, we-we haven't done anything yet.
So I'm-I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna avoid touching her until a little more time has passed.
And by the time I tell her, I'll have impressed her so much that the dog thing won't even matter.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
You know, I like your delusion, Brian.
Most people would say, "I lost, I give up," but you, you just keep trying.
You're like the Dominican Republic.
Always killing the guy in charge and saying, "Oh, this new guy, this new guy's gonna get it right.
" Well, that's just because I have confidence that I'll find happiness.
Hey, anything's possible, right? I mean, I once found the Batcave.
Look, you can't expect to hire 60 workers to dig a cave under your house and then keep it a secret.
I mean, those men live in this town.
Yeah, but I told them it was part of a geological survey.
Batman, Batman.
They built a lazy Susan for your nuclear car.
That's something they consider conversation-worthy.
Gosh, this has been an amazing week, Brian.
I still can't believe you beat up that guy who tried to mug us.
That was a great dinner.
Yeah, I really liked that salmon you recommended.
Yes.
May I help you gentlemen? "Hey, you're in a tough part of town.
Now, give me your purse, doll face.
" Hey, you get your hands off that! I don't care how many of you there are-- you're not taking this purse! "Ah, the hell we aren't.
Let's get him, boys!" Brian? Stay right there, Kate.
I'll handle this.
Yeah, you like that, huh? "Ooh! This guy's tough!" "No fair.
He knows karate.
Usually, handsome guys ain't so good with their fists.
" And stay away from my girlfriend.
Brian, I know karate, too.
I can help you.
"You stay out of this, lady!" I got one! I think I got one! Yeah, yeah, but I-I got the other four.
They're-they're gone now.
They're gone.
Well, they took the gift I had for you, but at least you're okay.
And that trip to the Eiffel Tower was just amazing.
Are we almost at the top? Yeah, just a few more steps.
Here we are.
Ah, the winds of Paris.
Isn't that what they say? Oh, that breeze is gorgeous.
And I think I smell croissants? Do you? You have an amazing sense of smell.
Oh, there it is.
There's what? Oh, nothing.
Just the, uh, Goodyear blimp.
It says, "I love you, Kate," all in lights.
Here in Paris? Yeah, it's it's here for Wimbledon or something.
Oh, my God.
That's the most romantic thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well, get used to it.
You're going to be hearing a lot of things I've done for you.
We now return to True Blood.
Hi.
I'm a nude vampire.
Hi.
I'm a nude werewolf.
And that's the show! Peter, come downstairs.
That gay show you like is on.
Coming! Damn it! Oh, my God, Peter.
Are you okay? No, I am not okay! Nothing about this is okay! You just need to be more careful coming down the stairs.
That's all.
Easy for you to say.
This is stressing the crap out of me.
Like when we had that easily startled wallpaper.
Aah! Well, it's getting late.
I should probably go.
Brian, this is like our sixth date.
I'm beginning to feel like you're not attracted to me or something.
No, I Oh, my God, I'm I'm so attracted to you.
I So why haven't we done anything about it? I-I just you know, sometimes taking things slower is better.
Just ask any sloth.
Hey, is sometimes taking things slower better? Yeah.
I just I like you a lot, and I I don't want to ruin anything by moving too fast, you know? 'Cause sometimes, when you Brian, you never told me you had a beard.
I love beards.
Oh.
Yeah.
No, hey, I'm bearding it up over here.
Hey, Brian, would you be cool with meeting my parents? They're in town this weekend, and I thought we could all have dinner.
Uh sure.
Are they are they driving themselves? If you're asking if they can see, yes.
And since you can see why don't you tell me how these look? Uh they look pretty damn great.
Then why don't you tell me how they feel? Uh, next time.
Some things are worth waiting for.
Wow.
You're really a true gentleman.
Yep, not too many of us left.
Stewie, I need your help.
What? What is it? I have a crisis situation here.
Kate wants me to meet her parents.
Hey, guys.
Just gonna gonna take this.
Thank you.
What the hell am I going to do? All right, all right, just calm down.
Calm down? We're all supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog.
Don't worry, Brian.
I'll come up with something.
Remember, I'm the guy who came up with the choreography to Showgirls.
Okay, stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Elizabeth, darling, too much hands, not enough hips.
Can I just show you? One, two, three, four.
I'm dancing from my vagina.
One, two, three, four.
I'm grinding, I'm grinding.
Orgasm eyes, orgasm eyes.
And we're done.
You do 20% that, and we got a movie.
Peter, what is all this? Oh, hi, Lois.
I live upstairs now.
What? That's right.
I made a nest of my old underwears on which to lay my eggs, and I shall raise my young in this room alone.
Peter, you're being an idiot.
Oh, really? Would an idiot have been able to rig this rig to that rig? Peter, that's nothing.
Oh, is it? I died! I died! Oh, hi.
You must be Kate.
I'm Brian's nurse.
He's had a little accident, I'm afraid.
Oh, my God, Brian! Are you okay? Ah, don't worry.
I'm fine.
I'm just sort of bandaged up right now.
You must be Kate's parents.
It's so nice to meet you.
Well, it's lovely to meet you, too.
So what happened? What happened is this one's a hero, is what happened.
Rescued two children from a burning building.
Can you imagine? Not quite in time-- they were both horribly burned.
Have that sort of crème brûlée face going on now, but he saved their lives.
Oh, my, Brian.
I know, right? So noble.
Plus he's the only one of my patients to never ask me for hand work.
Such a gentleman.
Never even tried anything when I'm giving him a sponge bath.
And I'm very thorough.
I will wash the abdominals.
Not all nurses do, but I do.
And yes, sometimes I graze it, but you know what? I'm a healthcare professional.
It's what I do.
It's my work.
It's important to me, and this one respects that.
And I'm very grateful.
Why are you here again? Oh, my God! I am so, so sorry.
Uh, it's no problem.
Don't worry about it.
What's that smell? It smells like wet dog in here.
That is the the smell of backed up, unreleased genital essence.
As I said, he's been an amazing gentleman.
Well, I'd like to propose a toast.
To Brian and Kate.
I know we just met, but you seem like you're really good for our daughter.
And risking your life for those kids? You're a good guy, Brian.
A really good guy.
Wow.
Thanks.
What's that thumping noise? - It's your tail.
- Stop wagging your tail.
I can't help it.
Do something.
Oh oh, damn it.
I meant hold it, not cut it off.
You weren't specific.
I've never done this before.
Are you okay, Brian? Yeah, I'm just so happy to meet you both.
What the hell are you I'm cauterizing your tail.
Trust me, I'm a nurse.
Brian? What's going on over there? I think they burned our dinner.
Oh, God, it hurts.
It hurts, Stewie.
Here's a little morphine.
What the hell? You're not gonna stick me with that thing.
I don't think that's a real nurse.
Just hold still.
Pretend you're at the vet.
Vet? I hate the vet! There's a dog in here! Yes! Okay? There's a dog in here.
I'm a dog! I'm so sorry, Kate.
I-I know you hate dogs, and I I wanted to tell you-- I-I really did-- but I-I just thought I thought, if we got to know each other better first, you would eventually be able to see past it.
"See.
" And I I just I really care about you, and I really want this to work, and I'm I'm so sorry I didn't tell you before.
Can you ever forgive me? Do you think that you can still be with me? You know what, Brian? I could have gotten over the fact that you're a dog, because I really do care about you and I feel like we had a connection, but I can't get over the fact that you lied to me.
You screwed up, Brian.
And now you're going to have to watch me walk out that door.
Well, it sounds like I'm needed outside.
Mom, what were all those carpenters doing here today? Putting back our old crappy stairs, Meg.
I didn't have a choice.
Yay! I love my old stairs! Uh-oh, I forgot to cut Joe down.
Joe, what are you doing up there? Enjoying Heaven, Bonnie.
Come join me.
There's a gun in my nightstand.
Brian, I know you're upset about what happened with Kate and everything, but I did have one more thought.
Yeah, what's that? Well, since Kate is blind, you could probably just do a different voice and go out with her all over again.
Hey.
Are you Kate? Yes.
- Hey, it's Noah from JDate.
- Oh, my God! Hi!