Family Guy s13e09 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Oh, this is a big moment for Stewie.
Big moment? Come on, Lois, he's moving from the green room to the purple room.
And just last month, we had to come here when he went into the green room from the yellow room.
Oh, don't remind me.
I'm gonna start crying all over again.
I told work he was getting dialysis, so I got the whole day off.
Stewie Griffin, welcome to the purple room.
Wow, look at that! This must be how the Tin Man felt when he finally got his heart.
And as for you, Tin Man, a 19-year-old kid in Cincinnati was struck by a drunk driver last night.
And so you've got your heart.
You know, it's kind of hitting me now that maybe I was thinking more metaphorically.
Oh, no-- you said you wanted a heart over and over again.
You sang that whole song about it.
We bumped you right up to the top of the donor list.
Which means there's a father of three in Nebraska who now has a very little chance of receiving one within the next 24 hours.
So feel good about that.
Now, who wanted the brain? "And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.
" All right, take it down a notch, Stewie.
You just happen to be the offspring of a generation that celebrates their kids for nothing.
Everybody's always getting an award.
Well, you've never gotten an award.
Uh, what's that bowl that says "good boy"? You know, that was our old dog's dish.
Hey, how are you? I-I was just putting this cake in my purse for a friend.
Listen, you probably get asked this all the time, but have you ever modeled? I've never even been in a picture before.
Well, I don't just shoot school events.
My real passion is discovering talent like yours.
Really? You think I could model? Sure.
You've got a great look.
Here's my number-- give me a call if you're interested.
Wow, me being a model! I mean, I guess crazier things have happened.
Heh-hoo! We now return to Rocky Dennis the Menace.
What the hell? Oh, it's you.
My wife said I'm not allowed to get mad at you anymore.
All right, see you later.
Where are you off to? Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him.
Lois, please send these back to the factory.
I believe they're defective.
Oh, my God, Peter, did you just rip your own ears off? It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous.
You know, it would be nice if you guys believed in me just once.
You're being terrible parents.
Even worse than John Edwards.
Kids, we need to talk.
Your mama has cancer.
And it's made me incredibly horny.
Take care.
You know, Brian, I gave some thought to what you said the other day, and I realized you're right.
Moving to the purple room is not an achievement.
Stewie, what are you doing here? I asked Peter to read my manuscript, and he said he had to take you to dialysis.
Anyway, you got me thinking.
I've spent my entire life in that ivory tower, learning from pop-up books and animal sound machines, instead of actually experiencing the world.
That's why I got this.
I'm gonna take a year off, hit the open road and live life to the fullest.
You're a baby.
How'd you afford a car? Don't worry, I got a great price on it.
You know how good I am at making a deal.
All right, I have $50 for the first person with a paper clip and rouge in their purse.
Ooh, ooh! Monty, Monty! Paper clip and rouge! Paper clip and rouge! Why do you have rouge? I don't know, it's been in the purse for ages.
Why do you have a purse? For the paper clips and rouge, you idiot! What are you gonna buy with that $50? Purses and rouge! Sorry to use your bathroom so much.
I'm just really nervous.
You have nothing to be nervous about.
This is gonna be fun.
Okay, well, here goes.
All right, Meg, while we take these, we can either play "Freeze Frame" or "She Works Hard for the Money.
" Which would you prefer? Can we play both? Sure.
She works hard for the money So hard for it, honey She works hard for the money So you better Well, that was a stupid idea.
But you-- you were phenomenal.
You really think so? Here, have a look.
I think these turned out great.
Wait, Ben-- are they all of my feet? Well, Meg, the thing is-- my name's Evan, by the way-- a lot of people will pay good money for pictures of sexy feet.
Foot-fetish porn sites are a huge business.
But when you asked me to model, I thought you meant real modeling.
This is real modeling.
And you could be our next big star.
Really? I don't know Come on, it could be great.
You'll meet lots of famous people.
Like Charles Barkley.
Hi, Meg.
You have nice "feetses.
" I want to put 'em both in my mouth and then make a slapping sound on my bald head with 'em.
We have a tranq gun if he gets rough.
Highway run Into the midnight sun Meg, why are you home so early? Yeah, I thought you were doing your modeling thing.
I was.
But what what's happening here? Well, not that it's any of your business, Meg, but this is why we've been married as long as we have.
We do things together.
You think 20 years just happens? No, it does not.
Now, tell us fast about your nonsense, so I can plow your mother on the staircase.
Yeah, what kind of photo shoot was it? Did they take a picture of you eating a whole pizza pie next to an astonished chef? Actually, Evan thinks I'm a natural and that I'm gonna be a huge success.
He thinks I could be a famous model.
You, famous? Oh, come on, Meg.
Your only chance at fame would've been as the dog on "Frasier.
" Well, of course I respect my father.
He's a vet.
Woof! Not that kind of vet.
So, where exactly are we going anyway? Brian, I think the road has a way of telling you where you're going.
There.
Rhode Island Folk Festival.
The road has spoken.
Huh, that actually sounds kind of fun.
See, Brian? This trip's already off to a great start.
Certainly better than that retreat we went on with the Quahog Baptist Choir.
Why don't we show our visitors how we sing what we see, y'all? Sing what we see, sing what we see Brother Roscoe, what do you see? Oh, I see a Howard Johnson's billboard Sing what you see Uh-huh An old red barn that needs a paint job Sing what you see Oh, yeah Boy in a truck too young to drive Sing what you see Brian! Oh, uh, uh Car? Come on.
Let's just see what we see and keep it to ourselves.
Hey, Evan.
Oh, good, Meg, you're here.
Grab a pair of dirty socks and meet me by the tub of dead mice.
Actually, Evan, I've been thinking about this, and I'm not sure being a foot-fetish model is for me.
What? You can't quit.
You're an overnight sensation.
I am? You got 35,000 views in one night.
And none of them got past the fourth picture.
What does that mean? Oh They love you.
And look at these comments.
"Who is this?" "She's beautiful.
" A bunch of anti-Muslim stuff.
"Great feet.
" You're a hit, Meg.
Wow.
That's that's amazing.
It's not often that anyone says anything nice about any part of me.
But still, I don't I don't know.
It's porn-- I never thought I'd do porn.
I understand your apprehension, Meg.
That's why I'm going to confuse you by calling it "erotica.
" And besides, think about all your fans.
I-I guess when you put it that way I wouldn't want to let down "Drizzlefoot321.
" You really think I can do it, Evan? Of course you can.
Sometimes people just need a little encouragement to succeed, like Jason Biggs got from his grandfather.
Jason, I want you to promise me one thing-- always be forgettable.
I will, Grandpa.
Hey, that's just a regular unattractive guy who's not famous.
We did it, Grandpa.
What are you doing? It's 18 and older, Brian.
If I want to get in, I need to look the part.
I've also been working on my banter.
Like, in case somebody bumps into me-- "Oh, no worries, bro.
" Stewie, there's a lot of sex and drugs at these things.
You sure you're ready for this? Of course I am.
I'm tired of living my life in a tiny little box, like some sort of claustrophobic turtle.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! He scare inside, he scare outside.
Uh-huh.
Okay, Brian, the key to these things is to find a good position to sit on the ground.
Yeah, cool, I got that blanket from your trunk.
Oh, yeah, the old scratchy trunk blanket.
Bring it, use it once, then put it back in the trunk for the rest of your life.
Ah, yeah.
Okay, this is already hurting my hip.
We could probably just stand.
No, no, we got the blanket.
All right, let's try sideways on the elbow.
Ow, no, that hurts.
Scratchy blanket.
Okay, all right, let's try sitting on my knees.
Okay, that's good.
Nope.
Uh Lean back on the palms until they get weird creases.
No.
All the way back? Nope.
Flat-back, craning to look up? Terrible.
Balls of feet butt-hover like a Chinese guy? Nope.
All right, standing it is.
I got to tell you, Bri, I am a big fan of sundresses.
Oh, yeah.
Every woman looks good in a sundress.
Yeah, just waiting for a big gust of wind, right? Huh? Good gust of wind? See a couple fannies? Huh? Give a little bare-hand slap, a little cup? Yep, that's what we're here for.
Okay, Stewie.
Yeah.
Just give it a little test tap, see where she's at.
Then you're pushing all up on that fanny.
Whoa, Stewie.
Yeah! Yeah, "whoa.
" Who's this Stewie, huh? Yeah.
I'll tell you who this Stewie is.
This is day-drinking Stewie.
On the patrol for fannies.
Fanny! Yeah! Fanny! What are you looking at? All right, finished a chapter.
Time to reward myself with a slow, relaxing yank.
Let's see.
What will it be today? Time to spin the Wheel of Porn.
All right, foot fetish it is.
Wait a minute.
Oh, my God.
Mom! Dad! Meg is doing foot porn! What?! Oh, my God.
Peter, our little girl is doing pornography! We got to stop her! What the hell? There's an animated version of you and me doing it.
Who put that on there? Brian! Stewie! Hey, how's it going, man? Uh, I don't know.
Four different bands said we've been a great crowd, so you tell me.
Yeah, I've had a pretty good day, too.
People keep passing out and barfing, and that barf is, like, free to take.
Awesome.
Plus, I met the most amazing girl.
Well, I'll tell you this, she's got to be the second most amazing girl here, because I've met the most amazing girl.
Oh, here she comes now.
Oh, here she comes now.
Hey, Stewie! Hey, Brian! Oh, crap.
Wait, how can a music festival chick like two guys? As soon as Meg walks through that door, I am giving her a piece of my mind.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Wait, you've been upstairs the whole time? I figured all that clomping around up there was Junior Gorg from Fraggle Rock.
Is that what you really thought? I did.
I really did.
Meg, we know you've been doing foot porn, and that is going to stop right now.
Please.
Don't try to act like you guys care.
Oh, thank God.
Peter! Meg, we do care.
And we're just trying to protect you.
Are you kidding? All you've done is make fun of anybody possibly thinking I could be a model.
Well, guess what, there are people out there who think I'm beautiful.
That's my ride.
I'm going to a big party they're throwing in my honor.
Meg, don't you dare walk out that door, or you're grounded.
Oh, my God! I can't believe our daughter's a porn star! Well, porn actress.
Let's not go crazy on the Christmas letter, okay, Lois? Peter, we got to do something.
Our daughter just left for some sleazy foot porn party.
I feel like we're getting invited to less stuff nowadays.
We got to find out where that party is and get Meg out of there! You're right.
God, what happened? It seems like just yesterday she was born.
Mr.
Griffin, would you like to cut the cord? Sure.
Okay, that wasn't the cord, and now you've got a girl.
Ooh, oh, Josephine Okay, Brian, so we like the same girl.
There's no reason we can't be gentlemen about this.
Absolutely.
Our friendship is more important than any one girl.
Hey, guys.
I got us all some food.
Oh, great.
Just mash Brian's pill in there and smear it on the grass, he's good to go.
Oh, no, he's kidding.
I-I'm perfectly capable of taking a pill.
Yep, down the hatch.
Now, Stewie, would you like your food served to you as an airplane or a magic bus? You two are so cool and funny.
Brian especially.
Did you happen to read his tweet about "jumbo shrimp"? Just a little heads-up.
Stewie still screams, "What's happening?" when he gets an erection.
Oh, this is nice, spending this time together.
Brian, why don't you show Cassandra your Boost Mobile phone? Stewie has AIDS.
Guys, guys, there's no reason to fight.
I don't have AIDS, by the way.
In fact I was thinking maybe we could all have a three-way.
A a three-way? I'm in.
Yeah, totally.
Really? Cool! Let's go.
I'm serious, man.
I'm doing this.
I am, too.
Bring it on.
Don't doubt me, Brian.
I never back down.
Like Boppo, the inflatable punching clown.
Ah, you're in big trouble, Boppo.
We told you to take a dive in the third round, and you just kept popping back up.
Let him have it, boys.
He's pretty tough, boss.
I'll handle this.
Whoa! Boppo! Take it easy there, pal! We-we-we was just playin' with ya! Yeah, we didn't mean no harm.
Boppo! We've got the place completely surrounded! We all know how it's going to end! Come out with your hands up, lad! Bat us around But we land on our feet All right, let's lay some ground rules here.
You take her left side, I'll take her right.
What? Wait, how about top and bottom, or front and back? How about I take head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes? Okay, you can have those.
You just gave away the store, mister.
You guys ready? 'Cause I am.
Ah! What's happening?! Is is this is this foreplay? She's dead.
I think she had a drug overdose.
Well, just 'cause she's out doesn't mean the party's over.
Yes, it does.
We gotta get out of here.
What? We can't just leave her.
She had nobody.
No family, no friends.
Really? How do you know all that? "All that"? You said you were in love with her.
Did you not talk to her at all? No, I-I talked to her.
I know she liked tents.
And cocaine.
Oh, oh, and how she loved bleeding from her nose.
You're a monster.
You're even worse than Dr.
Finkelstein.
Igor, did you get the body? Yes, master.
You know what to do.
It's a five! A five! Oh, hey, guys.
What's going on? Quagmire, we need your help finding Meg.
I would love if you guys would just call first.
She's run off to some foot-fetish porn party.
We figured you might know where it is.
You know, 'cause of your boners and stuff.
Foot-fetish party, huh? Well, come on in.
Let me just fire up the Internet here.
Gonna go to "Ask Beeves.
" Sorry, Joe's Wi-Fi is really slow today.
Ugh, I know, it's the worst.
We also use his cable TV.
I like Joe.
Here we go.
Oh, it's a busy night.
There's a black-tie event-- that's all black and Thai chicks.
Okay, this must be Meg's thing.
It says there's a shoe-kake party tonight.
"Shoe-kake"? Wh-What's that? It's 50 guys, one foot.
Oh, my.
All right, come on, Stewie.
Let's get this over with.
Well, slow down, Brian.
Everyone deserves a proper burial.
Why do you think we've been saving that VCR box in the basement? Oh, fine.
Um, Cassandra, I'm sorry your life was so screwed up that you almost had a three-way with a dog and a baby, but your life was not without meaning.
I left the comfort of the classroom to experience a world beyond books, and thanks to you, I did.
Also, I loaned you $40 for that Lumineers T-shirt, and you said you'd pay me back, so I'm gonna take your bra.
Wow.
Lot of people O.
D.
at these things.
Yeah.
Let's go trade this bra for a couple of Gatorades.
All right, you guys, before we begin, let's sing the Japanese national anthem.
Everybody stop what you're doing! Yeah, or else we'll That one's wearing goggles.
Mom? Dad? What are you doing here? I'll tell you what we're doing here.
We're protecting our little girl from a lot of guys who I oddly recognize from Best Buy.
Listen, Meg, your mom and I are sorry for always putting you down.
That's right.
You shouldn't have to do porn to feel appreciated.
Really? Of course, Meg.
We love you, sweetheart.
And you deserve better than this.
Thanks, you guys.
Can we please go home? Yeah, let's get out of here.
Not so fast.
I promised these men a foot.
What did you say is going on on the other side of this curtain? Don't worry about it.
Just keep watching Tower Heist.
This crew pulling off a robbery? Good luck.
Well, Brian, thanks for going on that little adventure with me, but I think I've learned quite enough from the real world for now.
I guess you're ready for the purple room after all, huh? Yes.
In fact, today was my first day.
I saw that teacher at the concert with her boob out.
She was, um, popular.
Mom, Dad, thanks for keeping me from doing something I'd always regret.
Of course, sweetie.
We love you, and we would never let anything bad happen to you.
Peter, we got a problem.
Somehow my foot got pregnant watching Tower Heist.