Fawlty Towers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Kipper and the Corpse

and he loves pecans and walnuts, and he simply adores those little cheese footballs, don't you, my darling? Oh, isn't he beautiful? Very attractive little fellow.
What is he? He's a little Shih-Tzu.
Is he really? Oh, dear, what breed is it? They're lap-dogs, aren't they? A lap-dog? Hard to imagine him stalking a reindeer, what? Major, can I get you another one? Why not? Why not? For you, Mrs.
Chase? Nothing for me, thank you.
But Prince would like a little saucer of warm milk.
- It's nearly our bedtime and - Yes, Manuel! Manuel will attend to its heart's desires.
I'm afraid I'm with the people tonight.
Manuel, por favor, el perro microscopico.
Good evening, Dr.
Good evening.
What can I get you? Scotch, please.
I suppose it's too late to get anything to eat? I missed dinner.
What did you have in mind? I rather fancy some sausages.
I'm afraid chef would have locked them away.
We could do you sandwiches ham, cheese, tomato? Ham, thank you.
I'll just arrange it for you.
- Basil? - Dear? Could you make some ham sandwiches? - Look, I'm - For Dr.
Of course, yes, one moment, Doctor.
There we are, Major.
Excuse me.
Found another draft, have we? We have to be very careful, Mr.
Fawlty, he's not very strong.
Indeed, yes.
A rapid movement of air could damage him irreparably.
If only one could keep them in airtight containers.
Wouldn't be able to breathe, would he, Fawlty? He could try, Major, he could try.
Anything else for you? No, thank you, no, it's a bit late.
We'd better get upstairs.
Quite, quite.
Sorry to have kept you.
Doctor, one round, two? Just one, please.
My pleasure.
No, she was the one he had with him the third time.
The first one was the dowdy one, then his wife, then her, and now this red oh, yes, that must have been lovely.
Number 12? Let's see.
Thank you.
How very lovely yes, that was them.
Not much, they get less fussy as they get older.
Sorry about this.
It couldn't matter less.
We're meeting in the morning anyway.
- You've had a long journey.
- Get a good night's sleep.
You're sure you're feeling all right? Fine, fine, just a little Oh yes, of course.
You get straight to bed, we'll pick you up here at 9:30.
We'll have coffee, and go in to the M.
At 10: 00.
Fine, thanks.
Okay, good night.
- Sleep well.
- Good night.
- Bye.
- See you in the morning.
See you at 9:30 then.
Harris? Oh, no, on his own again.
Oh, no, I wouldn't have thought so.
He watches the football.
- Number 8, isn't it? - Thank you.
Are you feeling all right? Not too good, no.
Would you like a little hot something? No, fine, thank you.
- Well, If there's anything you need - Thank you.
That wasn't him, that was a new one.
Good night.
I said, "Good night.
" Oh, good night.
Didn't hurt, did it? - Basil.
- Good manners cost nothing.
He's not feeling very well, Basil.
He only had to say "Good night.
" It's not the Gettysburg Address.
Basil, when you're not feeling well Just two little words, dear, that bring a little happiness into the world.
Excuse me? Yes, Mr.
Leeman, what can I do for you? Do you think I might have breakfast in bed in the morning? - In bed? - Yes.
- Of course, Mr.
- Yes, we can manage that.
Yes, we can.
I'll call you back.
I'm sorry? Most of our guests manage to struggle down in the morning.
A full breakfast or the continental? Oh, I don't Our chef does a very good full breakfast, eggs, bacon, sausages, tomato, fried bread The continental.
You wouldn't care for kippers? Fine, kippers, thank you.
Toast, butter, marmalade? Thank you.
- Tea or coffee? - Tea, thank you.
Newspaper? - The Telegraph.
- Thank you, good night.
Rosewood, mahogany, teak? I beg your pardon? What would you like your breakfast tray made out of? I don't really mind.
Are you sure? Fine, you go along, and have a really good night's sleep, then.
I'm hoping to get a couple of hours myself.
I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed.
If you can remember to sleep with your mouth open, you won't even have to wake up.
I'll drop in small pieces of lightly buttered kipper when you're breathing in the right direction, if that doesn't put you out! Basil! - Sausages, please.
- Just sausages? Hmm, just sausages.
- Tea or coffee? - Coffee, please.
- But is - No, not a saucer.
- Cómo? - I said a bowl.
A ball? Yes, and not cold like that.
That's too cold.
I said tepid, didn't I? Mas grande, Manuel.
De agua caliente.
He could catch pneumonia from that.
And bring another cushion.
He's not quite high enough.
Sausages on six, Terry.
- Coming up.
- Mas grande, Manuel.
Another car strike.
Would you believe it? Put these kippers back, would you, Basil? We ought to get Butlin's to run our car factories.
In the fridge.
These should have been eaten by when was the sixth? Oh, that's all right.
It says on the packet, Sybil.
They're all right, Mr.
The sixth? That's just to cover themselves.
Eggs and sausages, Poll.
On the table, on the table.
No! That! Now, put that under him.
The cushion! The cushion! Sí.
Ow! He bite me! You frightened him.
Qué? You make sudden movements like that, of course he's going to bite.
Don't you have dogs in Calcutta? Excuse me, but I have an order for eggs and sausages for this table.
Yes, the sausages are for him.
What's the matter, Manuel? He bite me.
Cut them up into little pieces.
No, not my eggs.
The sausages.
Oh, sorry.
Oh! He bite Polly, too.
You see? If dogs are allowed in the dining room, at least the staff should know how to handle them.
I'll cut them up in the kitchen, Mrs.
Little pieces.
Kippers ready.
He hurt you, Polly? Basil, what are you doing? Do you know when the sixth was? Will you just take it upstairs? They're all right, Mr.
Are they supposed to be that color? Basil, will you just take it up? What's the matter, Manuel? That hairy mosquito just bit us both.
What? It's not right in dining room like that.
She pays extra for the dog.
Basil, it's after 8:00.
Poisoning is still an offense in this country.
Do get a move on, we've got a busy day.
I've got the laundrymen coming.
The laundrymen.
My God! A woman's work is never delegated, is it? What are you doing, Polly? Just preparing some sausages.
Bangers a la bang.
Good morning, breakfast.
Here we are.
Another car strike.
Marvelous, isn't it? Taxpayers pay 'em millions each year, they get the money, go on strike.
It's called socialism.
If they don't like making cars, why don't they get themselves another bloody job designing cathedrals or composing violin concertos? The British Leyland Concerto, in four movements, all of 'em slow, with a four-hour tea break in between.
I'll tell you why, 'cause they're not interested in anything, except lounging about on conveyor belts stuffing themselves with my money.
You don't mind if I turn the light off? Well, enjoy your breakfast.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Not at all, thank you for mentioning it.
Not a single bloody word.
You get up at 5:30 in the morning so they can lounge around in bed till midday and do you get so much as a word of thanks? - What's that? - Forgot the milk.
Don't get talking to him, you'll never get away.
Would you believe it? I get him his breakfast, I take it all the way upstairs, I lay it in front of him, hand him his newspaper, I tidy the room, draw the curtains, guess what he says? I said, "Guess what he says?" Hmmm? Nothing! Your friend! The one in eight.
Nothing, not a word.
Are you listening? Hello, can anybody hear me? Have I ceased to exist? Have I suddenly become invisible? Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, can you see me? No.
Good, I'll go and lie down then.
No I won't, I'll go and hit some guests.
Poor little toma-woma-boy.
Oh, let me Dr.
Price's sausages.
What is it, Polly? He's dead.
- Dead, who? - Number eight.
Leeman? But Basil just took him his breakfast.
He's cold.
Oh, no.
What's the matter with that dog? He is dead.
He's certainly struggling for life at the moment.
A dead dog in the breakfast room.
Egon Ronay would knock off a star for that.
No, no, Mr.
Leeman dead.
Well, that would explain a lot.
No, Mr.
Poll just said so.
What are you on about? I just took him his kippers.
Oh, my God! Leeman's dead, I'm getting Dr.
I just put the milk down on the tray What are you doing? What are you doing? I told her.
I told her the sixth.
We could get 20 years for this.
What? The kippers, the kippers! Oh, my God! Mr.
Fawlty, he's been dead for hours.
Fawlty, he's cold.
He's been dead for hours.
He must have died in his sleep.
Fawlty! What? What? He hasn't touched those kippers.
Well, look! Feel him.
- What? - Feel him.
- He's stone cold.
- Yes.
Oh, joy! Thank you, God.
Oh, isn't it wonderful? I'm so happy! Hooray! Sad, isn't it? May I ask who? Bit stuffy, isn't it? I'll open a window.
Who? - Who found the body? - Polly did.
I was bringing him up the milk, we'd forgotten it.
You brought the milk with the breakfast? No, the breakfast was already up.
Who brought the breakfast? Who found him? Oh, I brought the breakfast.
- What's that? - That's a bit of it.
- Bit of what? - A bit of the breakfast.
You brought him his breakfast? Yes.
So you told her he was dead? Yes.
Then why did you bring him Why did you bring him the milk then? - Why? - Yes, why? When he said "Mr.
Leeman was dead," I thought he said, "He's still in bed.
" He didn't exactly say he was dead, Doctor.
I said he was pretty quiet.
- Quiet? - Exactly.
What were you talking to him about? Car strikes, was it? Thank you, Sybil.
I don't understand.
He's been dead about 10 hours.
It's so final, isn't it? Basil! Wouldn't you say it was final? I'd say it was pretty bloody final.
Do you mean to tell me you didn't realize this man was dead? People don't talk that much in the morning.
I'm just delivering a tray, right? If the guest isn't singing, "Oh, what a beautiful morning," I don't immediately think, "There's another one snuffed it in the night.
Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance.
" I mean, this is a hotel, not a Burma railway.
Basil! It does actually say "Hotel" outside.
Perhaps I should be more specific.
"Hotel for people who have a better than 50% chance of making it through the night.
" What are you looking at me like that for? Basil there's a kipper sticking out of your jumper.
There it is.
I've been looking for that.
That's the other one.
We'll be downstairs, Doctor.
Shall I ring the undertaker? Would you, Polly? I've been up since 5:30, you know? He was leaving today.
Some people are coming at lunchtime.
- We'll put them in another room.
- We're full tonight.
Oh, do put that away! Get the body into the office until the undertakers come.
Now? When the doctor's finished.
- What are you doing? - Making up his bill.
Who are you going to give it to? We'll leave it in his wallet, they're bound to look there.
Better not charge him for breakfast.
Simkins? Fawlty Towers here.
I'm afraid somebody's died during the night.
When could you collect the body? Somebody, anybody, really.
Good morning, good morning.
You're very cheerful this morning.
Well, one of the guests has just died.
You are wicked.
Manuel, Manuel! Manuel, we go and get the body.
Polly! Polly! Yes, if you can.
Would it be all right to move the Could I use the phone, please? I have to call the coroner.
The coroner?! I can't give him his death certificate, I'm not his doctor.
I have to report his death to the coroner.
I see, of course.
Come this way, Doctor.
- All clear? - All clear.
Is heavy.
Come on, come on! Good morning, Manuel.
- Oh, good morning.
- Oh! It's all right, leave it.
It's heavy.
It's quite all right.
I'll put them like that.
- Don't bother.
We can manage.
- It's no bother.
No, no, leave it alone.
I know, if I fold them like this Yes, go away.
Move, Manuel! Move, move, move.
- I'll do it, Miss Tibbs.
- No, it's all right.
He's dead! - Serves you right.
- Shh! Shh! - O-oh, my God! - It's all right, Miss Tibbs.
- Shut up, shut up! - Oh, my God! Slap her! She's hysterical.
- Murder! Murder! - Slap her! Oh, spiffing! Absolutely spiffing.
Well done.
Two dead, 25 to go.
Quick, Polly, Polly! I just dropped my ring.
Oh, there it is.
Oh, sorry, I'm in your way.
That's quite all right.
- Oh, is this your room? - Yes.
It's lovely, isn't it? Yes.
Did you enjoy your breakfast? Yes, thank you.
Excuse us, do you think we could go inside and get our Not really.
Pardon? Well, it's being cleaned, Mr.
Fawlty's doing it.
But we want to get our things.
We're going out, you see? It'll only take a couple of minutes.
We're a little late, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Fawlty? - Mr.
Fawlty? - All clear? - Mr.
Fawlty? - Anybody about? Mr.
And Mrs.
White want to come into their room.
Oh Wait a minute! Hello.
Can we come in? I was explaining that you were doing the room.
Yes, won't be five minutes.
Couldn't you do it later? Pick that ashtray up, will you, Manuel, please? The big one.
Could we do it later? When we've got our things.
It'll only be a couple of minutes.
Look, Fawlty, we want our things! Right, yes, thank you so much.
He's locked it.
That's just a precaution.
Have you locked this? Only slightly.
- Will you let us in? - In a minute.
Get the coats, get the coats.
What's going on? He's a bit of a perfectionist.
Ready! What's been going on in here? We tried rearranging the furniture, but it didn't really work.
Manuel has your coats.
Oh-hh Oh-hh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh It's all right, he's from Barcelona.
Oh-hh! What's that noise? Oh, it's just my back.
No, no, that moaning.
Oh-hh Oh, yes.
That's odd.
No, no, it's coming from the cupboard.
Well, we'll get some oil.
- Have a nice day.
- There's someone in there.
- What? - Yes, listen.
No, no, no.
Oh, please! Good Lord, so there is.
- Let them out! - Good idea.
- Right, well, um - Well, go on.
We're going to.
It's the next thing on the list.
If you do get a chance to visit the museum Open it now, will you? All right.
Yes, right.
Oh, it's locked.
Oh, damn.
- Where's the key? - Yes, where is the key? Do you have any idea, Polly, Manuel? I expect we've left it downstairs somewhere.
Qué? - Where's the key? - Key's in your pocket.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
Well done, Manuel.
Thank you very much.
Right, well, we've got it now.
- Give it to me - All right, all right, I will.
I will.
Oh, Miss Tibbs! Now, I've warned you about this before.
You can hide in your own cupboard but not in other people's! I'm sorry about this, you can't really blame her.
She doesn't have much in her life.
She has to make her own entertainment.
She has trouble with her arm.
That's why she goes in the cupboard.
- Exactly.
- Are you feeling better? Her arm gets stuck there.
It's always happening to her.
He's dead.
It's her husband.
She hasn't got over it.
Died 30 years ago.
She doesn't mean any arm.
In the cupboard! No more today, you've had enough! Oh, my God, look at that! Thank you, Manuel.
Manuel, thank you.
That's enough.
Thank you.
Anything else we can do for you? It was so horrible, Mrs.
- You've no idea.
- Oh, I know.
It was pitch black in there, and that thing with its hand.
Oh, I know.
Now you have a little rest and try to think of something else.
But anything could have happened.
Well, he was dead, dear.
A man is a man, Mrs.
Oh, I know.
I shall speak to him about it.
Speak to him? To Mr.
We're his oldest residents.
Have a little rest first.
Frightening me like that.
I shall speak to him.
Have a word with him in a little while when you're feeling better, hmm? I see, yes, thank you.
It's all right, dear.
They've got rooms at the Seaview.
- Tonight? - Yes.
Well, let's have a look at it.
Yes, and if that's no good, we'll try the one up by the Prophylactic Emporium.
Is very heavy.
Morning, Fawlty.
Hello, Major.
Any sign of the papers? You've got it, Major.
Have I? Oh, yes, so I have.
Oh, I say, Fawlty, he doesn't look he doesn't look quite the ticket.
Well, Major, don't say anything to anybody, but he's dead.
Shot, was he? No, no, died in his sleep.
In his sleep? Ah, well, you're off your guard, you see.
Yes, yes.
Oh, Fawlty I shouldn't let him lie around here.
No, the undertakers are coming to get him.
Ah, 'cause they attract the flies, you see.
Look, I've been waiting in there.
- What? - I haven't had any breakfast yet.
Oh, right, sorry.
Coming, coming.
It's only sausages.
Fawlty! Mr.
Fawlty! I want a word with you, please.
Sorry about the delay, Doctor, normal service has been resumed as soon as possible.
More coffee? Tea? Tea? I'll turn the radio down.
Oh! - Miss Tibbs.
- Oh, no.
Would you believe it? What did you put him there for? He wouldn't fit in the safe and all the drawers were full.
Come on, Manuel.
Wonderful, isn't it, our guests? They give us trouble even when they're dead.
- Where are you taking him? - Kitchen.
- Polly! - Just a moment.
Hello! He's seriously ill.
Oh, dear.
Don't just stand there.
Call a vet! Right.
He's been poisoned.
On the table.
Sorry about that.
Bit overdone, I'm afraid.
We'll send 'em down the crematorium.
You can't keep a dead body in here, where there's food.
- Can't we? - Of course not.
Oh, sorry.
Put him in there, in the basket.
- Not in here.
- What? Not in the kitchen.
Oh, right.
Oh, um, Sybil! I'm looking after Miss Tibbs, Basil.
How are you feeling, dear? Won't be two minutes, okay? Sorry about that, Doctor.
Wash your hands first, please.
Oh, right.
And make sure this area is scrubbed before any more food is prepared in here.
Sausages excepted.
You may cook them immediately.
I'll take the risk.
But of course.
Toute suite.
Leave it.
- No, no, I take it.
- Leave it.
Is no time, please.
No, no, no, please.
I'm sitting here.
Is no lunch till 12:00 I'm still having breakfast.
Is finish, all gone, breakfast kaput.
I'm having sausages.
Is not allowed.
Put that back.
Look, I'm a doctor.
I'm a doctor, and I want my sausages.
I tell you, is finished.
Bye, bye, please.
Bye, bye.
Now look Is finish.
Give those to me.
Come on, come on.
No, is no possible.
- Is everything all right? - He want to eat now.
I've been trying to sit down and he keeps moving things from my table.
I'm so sorry.
He doesn't understand that I haven't finished breakfast.
Manuel Manuel, let me explain.
- Ow-ww! - All right? You understand? Good.
They'll be ready in just a couple of minutes.
There we are, Mr.
Ingrams, number eight.
Top of the stairs on the right.
Excuse me not coming up with you, one of our guests has been taken ill.
Thank you.
- Excuse me? - In the office.
- Excuse me? - Yes? We have an appointment with Mr.
Do you know where he is? Where he is? Let me think.
Would he be in the dining room? Might he be in his room? Let me think.
Where is he? We've come to collect him.
- We're taking him - I'm sorry? We've come to collect him.
Oh, you've come to collect him! Yes.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
- Modern dress.
- What? Your dress is very modern.
I didn't realize women did it.
- Did what? - Shh-hh.
He's downstairs? No, no, in the basket.
I beg your pardon? He's in the basket.
- In the basket? - Yes.
What's he doing in the basket? Well, not much.
What are you talking about? Don't you believe? Look, look.
Oh, my God, he's gone.
Where is he? - Fresh laundry.
- They've taken him! Stop! Stop! Basil! If you could just hang on a couple of minutes.
If you could just hang on a couple of minutes.
Sorry to keep you.
It's all right.
It's all right.
We've sorted it out.
He's in this one.
The doctor didn't want him in the kitchen, - so we put him in the basket.
- It's more hygienic.
Basil! - Yes? - You do work here? Yes.
We'd like to speak to the manager.
I'm the manager.
Is there a problem? He is, really.
There seems to be some misunderstanding.
We've come to collect one of your guests, a Mr.
Leeman, to take him into town for a meeting.
- Meeting? - Yes, a meeting.
With our managing director.
Oh, I see.
We thought you said the linen.
Brilliant! Sorry, sorry, that's it.
- Sorry to keep you.
- Hello, my sweet.
- What are you doing, Basil? - It's a bit involved, dear, but we thought that these gentlemen thought - that we thought - No, no, no No, they were coming for Mr.
Leeman, and we thought they were coming to collect the linen.
Leeman? So, if you just sort that one out, dear, I'll take the linen upstairs.
I see.
Thank you, Basil.
Not at all.
Would you mind coming into the office for a moment? Another one, Fawlty? No, same one, Major.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
- They've gone into the town.
- In there.
Oh! Sorry, wrong room.
Estoy muy cansado.
- Back in the basket.
- I can't lift.
- Come on, come on.
- No, too tired.
There's somebody coming.
Fawlty, I no want to work here anymore.
- Open the basket.
- No.
Open the basket! Now, inside.
Not you.
- I quit.
- Get out! - I on strike.
- I'm warning you.
I stay here, is nice.
You see this? You're next! Really, I'm so sorry.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Yes? - Could I get my hat? Your hat? Yes, it's just there.
Yes, I'll have it sent on.
Do you have a card with your address? I'll send it on.
Well, could I just get it? Do you have to have it now? Well, yes.
Supposing you lose it? It is windy today.
I'd like to have it.
Oh, right.
- Manuel! Manuel! - He's in the basket.
Polly, would you get Manuel out of the basket, please? Manuel? Yes, come on, girl.
What's the matter? - He isn't in there.
- Yes, he is.
- He isn't.
- He is.
Look for him.
Oh, sorry.
You big scab.
See? Manuel, will you get this gentlemen his hat, please? - Where? - There.
On the rack.
- Sorry.
What color was it? - Brown.
- Brown.
- No, that's not it.
Thank you.
Fawlty, I want a word with you in your office.
When would be convenient for you? I'm 79.
What on earth is going on here? Sorry about the eiderdown.
It got a bit caught.
My baby, my baby's dying.
They've poisoned him! Your baby? - Sybil! - He said he'd call for a vet.
- A vet? - Sybil! I've just cooked these sausages myself and they're off.
They should have been eaten by the third.
There you are, dear.
You do look nice.
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen.
Laundry's ready! Ladies and gentlemen, there have been a lot of cock-ups this morning.
You all deserve an explanation, and I'm happy to say, that my wife will give it to you.
Thank you so much.
What's going on, old boy? Basil! Basil! Basil! Basil! Basil!