Frasier s01e12 Episode Script

Miracle on Third or Fourth Street

I wish you all the very best of holidays.
Like many, I'll spend the time in the loving embrace of my family, which should give us plenty to talk about in the new year.
Meantime, this is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780 talk radio.
Come on.
There's a gin and tonic out there with my name on it.
Father Mike's trying to get everyone to re-enact the Nativity scene.
We know who can play the ass.
(Barks) - I'm wearing her down.
Who's that for? - It's for Roz.
"Amazing trick microphone.
Squirts water.
" Nice.
It's a gag.
We don't exchange gifts.
I'm scheduled to do the noon-to-four slot at Christmas.
Nope.
But my family is getting together after five years.
- I don't care.
- But my sister and her new baby Bulldog, my son Frederick is flying in to spend the holidays with me.
I have never looked so forward to a Christmas since I was your size.
- (Shouts) Did you tell him? - Don't yell.
- You're not giving a traffic report.
- I yelled? Hey, Doc, you know Bonnie Weems? I don't, but she does the auto show, right? Bonnie drinks more than she should at these parties, so the newest on-air personality drives her home.
- That's you.
- I'd be delighted to drive her home.
She'll be delighted.
(Both laugh) Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Dr Crane.
- Oh, merry Christmas, Elizabeth.
I baked you sugar cookies.
Oh, sweets from the sweet.
Do you know who's driving Bonnie Weems home tonight? Yes, I am.
Can you tell me why? Hey, everybody, it's the doc! Roz, why does everyone break into hysterics when I say I'm driving Bonnie Weems home? What is that? Bonnie Weems is kind of an office legend.
After a few drinks, she gets amorous and won't take no for an answer.
Is that all? I'm a big boy.
- I can take care of myself.
- OK! I know we promised not to, but I was out shopping Oh, no.
Don't worry.
I couldn't help myself, either.
Oh, no, really? Great.
- Merry Christmas! - Oh, Roz, you shouldn't have.
- Open yours.
- This is just Oh, Roz, you really shouldn't have.
- Now it's my turn.
- Oh, don't.
Maybe you should keep it under the tree.
Me wait to open a Christmas present? Yeah, right.
Oh, my God, it's great! It's great because I'm in radio.
- That's what I was going for.
- Thanks a million, Frasier.
Have a happy holiday and I'll see you next week.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Dr Crane? I'm Bonnie Weems.
Hello.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'll drive you home tonight.
- I'm sorry to put you out.
- No problem.
Enjoy the party.
Tell me when you're ready to go.
I'm ready now, baby! - Hello, Frasier.
- Hello, Niles.
Merry Christmas.
To what do I owe this occasion? Nothing.
I just stopped by to get an opinion on a gift for Maris.
It pinches a bit under the arms, but you be the judge.
Oh, hello, Dr Crane.
Daphne.
Shall I put the little red one back on so you can make your choice? - Niles has all the information he needs.
- Fair enough.
Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size.
Give or take a foot.
Frasier, where you been? After the Christmas party, I poured a colleague into a cab, said a quick prayer for the driver, dislodged the wedgie of a lifetime then I did some shopping.
Niles, sherry? - Thank you.
- Santa's going to be good to Frederick.
Bulldog called.
He wants you to take his slot on Christmas.
I've already told him no.
How long will that man nag me? - What are you doing? - I'll hang it on the door.
- It's plastic! - Of course it is.
You think a real one would have lasted since 1967? Here you go.
I'm glad to be out of that black one.
I had to take me undies off to zip it up.
Oh, let me get that.
(Phone rings) Hello? Oh, hi.
- Frasier, for you.
It's the nag.
- Oh, Lord.
Bulldog, I already told you that Oh Oh, hello, Lilith.
No, maybe I should, uh I'll take this in the bedroom.
Everything set for tomorrow? Yes, Maris and I drive to the cabin tonight.
We'll expect you tomorrow around noon.
- I wish I was coming with you.
- So do I.
(Yelling on the phone) Oh, shut the hell up, will you? Daphne, you should come.
We have a traditional Christmas.
It's an actual log cabin with actual deer grazing in our yard.
Maris fires her gun to scare them away from our garbage, but still it's enchanting.
You can't come? No, I'll be in San Francisco with my uncle.
I guess you should be with your family.
It's more traditional.
Except that Jackie is a transvestite.
Getting a bit long in the tooth for it, too, if you ask me.
Thanksgiving, he ate too much turkey, and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.
Merry Christmas, everybody?! - Lilith isn't sending Frederick.
- Why not? He has this "unique" opportunity for an "incredible" Christmas.
Her friend has rented a home in Austria.
- Why not the USA? - They filmed "The Sound Of Music" in the house, Freddie's favourite movie.
Julie Andrews is singing there.
They're having dinner with her afterwards.
There's some nonsense about a horse-driven sleigh ride and a balloon trip.
Oh, and they're going to spend an entire day at Euro Disneyland.
At the cabin, there's an old stump that the local children enjoy kicking.
- You have to let him go.
- Of course I have to let him go.
- Thank God you know what's right.
- I was just making sure you did.
- How would I live without you? - Now, now.
That's enough.
You're being a good father letting him go.
It need not ruin your Christmas.
Come on, let's finish decorating the tree.
I got the lights from the storeroom.
Dad, I don't want to use those this year.
I picked up these yesterday.
Chilli peppers? - They're very fashionable.
- But chilli peppers aren't Christmas! Neither are Scotch pines or snow ornaments.
If you want to be technical - Bethlehem was in the desert.
- Why don't we decorate a palm tree? - No need for sarcasm! - I always use those lights! - Dad This is my house! Can I have one thing the way I want it? You're upset, but don't take it out on me.
- Fine.
Now you're the psychiatrist? - I give up.
- Use your chillies! - Oh, I don't want them any more! No, go ahead.
We could hang radishes! Put a nice broccoli on top! - Don't behave this way at the cabin.
- We won't.
I'm not going to the cabin! - Where are you going? - I'm staying.
- You can't.
- I'll fill in for Bulldog.
- Well, merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! (Both shout) Merry Christmas! I didn't realise that working on Christmas would ruin your plans.
- Please don't be mad.
- What for? My mother flew in from Wisconsin to be with me today.
Instead, I'm in this stinking hellhole on Christmas day, when only the loneliest most depressed people would call in! But look how nice you look for me?! Try to see it from my position.
I couldn't see my son.
I had a fight with my father.
Then I thought, helping others through their troubles, may get me through mine.
If we try hard, we can maybe have the best Christmas we've ever had.
- What do you say? - OK, I'm not mad.
Get ready.
- I need a hug to prove we're friends.
- I am not hugging you, you're grungy.
- Come to Papa.
Hug, hug, hug, hug! - All right! Yuck, we're friends.
Now, get ready, you're on.
Merry Christmas, Seattle! This is Dr Crane coming to you on Christmas Day.
Christmas, that very magical time of the year when each moment is as unique as a snowflake never to be recreated.
Sorry.
The news went over.
Do that again.
Merry Christmas, Seattle! As we head into our second hour, I'd like to lighten things up a bit.
Ned's told us how he got mugged on his way home from the soup kitchen.
- Who's next? - Don wants to tell us about a time when he was filled with Christmas spirit.
- It's about time.
Hello, Don! - (Don) 'Hello.
'I learned yesterday why this is called "the season of giving.
"' - Then swaddle me in Christmas cheer.
- 'OK.
I was driving home.
'I realised, I'd left my favourite pair of sneakers on the roof of the car.
'I looked back and saw this homeless guy.
He was already putting them on.
'So I just thought, "What the hell?" And I kept driving.
' So your experience of the Christmas spirit would be that you didn't slam the car into reverse, speed back there, and rip your smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hands.
Well, Roz, I think we got Santa Claus himself on the line?! (Man) 'I'm sorry.
That was the last time.
I'm OK now, I'm really OK.
(Man sobs) 'No, I'm not! ' Barry, I've got to put you on hold while you pull yourself together.
But stay on the line, I'd like to help you.
'Lt's all right.
I think I've got a hold of myself.
(Sobs) 'No, I don't! ' (Woman) 'I've fallen in the shower so many times, 'they can't fit any more pins in my hip.
' Gladys, listen, can I put you on hold for a second? I have to check on somebody.
How's it going there, Barry? (Barry sobs) My sentiments exactly.
(Man) 'Lt still traumatises me, Dr.
Crane.
'I wake up, and I remember that Christmas morning.
'I walked into my mother's bedroom crying, and I said, "Mommy!" "'The puppy Santa gave me won't wake up.
"' OK, Tom.
You win the prize for the saddest Christmas story we've heard.
Happy holidays.
Roz! Roz! (Sobs) Oh, have you been crying? Just for the last hour.
Oh, why don't you go home? I can take over for the next two hours.
- You can't do this.
- Just go home, be with your mom.
Won't it be sadder here all by yourself? I don't think that's possible.
Well, if you really mean it, I'll go.
I mean it.
But promise me one thing.
Don't sit here and get more depressed.
- You'll see your boy again soon.
- I know.
OK.
Hug, hug, hug? Merry Christmas! Hi, we're back.
I realise it has been a pretty tough day for most of you.
I'd like to hear from someone who's having a good Christmas.
Someone who has maybe learned a way to beat the holiday blues.
How about it? Let's take our first call here.
Hello, you're on the air.
(Man) 'Hello, Dr Crane.
This is Jeff.
' - Merry Christmas! - 'Same to you.
'I used to get depressed on Christmas.
Then I found a way to beat it.
'I pop my favourite movie, "The Sound Of Music", in the VCR.
'Watching Julie Andrews lead those adorable little tykes through Salzburg, 'nobody could be depressed.
I mean nobody! ' Jeff, are you a betting man? We're just about out of time.
My, my, this day has flown by.
I wish all of you happy revellers out there a merry Christmas, and the others: Go out and treat yourself to something special.
Personally, I'll get myself a meal at one of Seattle's fine eateries.
I don't know where, but I promise you one thing it'll have a liquor licence.
Just kidding.
Don't drink and drive.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780 talk radio.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Welcome to "Lou's".
Thank you.
I'm glad you're open.
All other places are closed or booked up.
That makes us so special.
Almost everybody's having the Christmas platter.
That's a turkey log with mashed potatoes then Yule log for dessert.
How much more appetising food becomes when you add the word "log".
I'll just have the Christmas platter.
(Shouts) Platter! - How you doing? - OK.
- You having a merry Christmas? - Now that you ask, no, I'm not.
Can't be with my son, had an argument over something stupid with my father.
- That's why I'm alone.
- Oh.
And you? Pretty good.
Just yesterday, I was crossing the street, and this beautiful pair of sneakers flew off a car and landed on my feet.
Merry Christmas! Here you go.
The chef didn't exactly dally over the remoulade, did he? Hey, Tim, merry Christmas! Hey, Bill, glad you could make it.
Hey, how's that turkey platter? Good as last year's? I'm not sure this isn't last year's.
- Huh? - I'm done.
Please take this seat.
- Oh, jeez, thanks, pal.
- You bet.
Excuse me.
Something embarrassing happened.
I seem to have lost my wallet.
- You can't pay? - Oh, no.
I can pay.
I must have left it at the office.
I can just go and get it.
- Mm-hm.
- It's all right.
This one's on me.
You don't understand, I - It's OK, we've all been there.
- But I really did misplace my wallet.
I know you did and Bill here misplaced his Wall Street portfolio.
- Here, Bill, help me out.
- Oh, no, no.
Hey, everybody, let's help a poor man get a nice Christmas dinner.
Come on.
- No, please.
You don't understand.
- It doesn't matter, even pennies.
I make a very decent living, I really do.
This is not necessary.
Well, I I must say I've never been so touched in my life.
To think that you would give up your money which you can ill afford to help out a fellow human being.
- There you go.
- Gee, I'm so embarrassed.
Look at it this way.
The rest of the year belongs to the rich with their fancy houses, expensive foreign cars.
But Christmas - Christmas belongs to guys like us.
- Right.
I never will forget this Christmas.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
Thanks.
Hey! Somebody lose a set of car keys? Hey, we're not buying you dessert.
No, you see, I forgot, uh - What? - Uh To wish you a merry Christmas.
(All) Merry Christmas.
- Thanks.
- Hey, bud! Since you're here, go call your old man.
Thank you.
I think I will.
# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Quite stylish # Maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Good night, Seattle, we love you!