Frasier s04e07 Episode Script

Hello? Yes, Buck, it's Dr Crane.
I'm calling to see if the cabin is ready for us.
Uh, You got the case of Montrachet? Good.
Good.
And the Thanksgiving feast will be delivered promptly at 3? Good.
The woodpile's been thoroughly inspected for spiders? Excellent.
Thank you.
Well, we're ready to rough it in the great Northwest.
If you don't mind my asking, you taking anything along - to keep your nephew amused? - Yes, his grandfather.
Oh, by the way, what time tomorrow are Frederick and Lilith flying in? Her broom touches down at 11.
All right, now, when you mist the plants, be sure that the water is not too cold.
I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers.
I've produced your show for three years, haven't I? I'll leave you a number at Niles' cabin in case anything goes wrong.
Oh, yes, and by the way, I frown on overnight guests.
Then you're not doing it right.
I'll leave you my number in San Francisco too.
You're not going to the cabin with them? Daphne's decided to spend a traditional Thanksgiving with her transvestite uncle, Jackie.
Come on, Roz, I'll show you around the kitchen.
So this uncle of yours, does he dress like a woman all the time? Oh, certainly not for work.
His congregation would never stand for it.
[NILES GROANS.]
- What's wrong? - Oh, just a little depressed.
This is my first Thanksgiving without Maris.
Oh, yeah.
I know, son, it's hard.
Remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it, and we laughed some more.
Then her eyes welled up with tears, and we all knew it was time to stop.
Yes.
If it makes you feel any better, I won't be having my dream Thanksgiving either.
Why does Lilith have to tag along anyway? She didn't wanna spend the holiday alone.
Her husband is in New Zealand, exploring a volcano.
- Why couldn't she go with him? - Because if she accidentally fell in, the shock wave from the hottest thing in nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.
As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze Mercury.
Guys, let it go.
Nobody's gonna win this one.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Yes, Lilith.
Yes, Lilith.
- Yes, Lilith.
- Gee, it's like they were still married.
If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front.
If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back.
Don't ask me why.
- Don't know how you live with him.
- Don't know how you work with him.
Well, I have learned a trick.
When he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight.
Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass at the candy machine.
Really? I tell him he's gained weight.
He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to myself.
Oh, good.
Okay, you tell Frederick I said bravo.
Frederick just passed the qualifying exam for the Marbury Academy! Huzzah! What is that, some school? Some school? [LAUGHING.]
That's He doesn't [LAUGHING.]
Oh, Dad.
Oh, Dad, please.
No, the Marbury Academy is the most exclusive private school in all of Boston.
It's a breeding ground of power and privilege.
Lilith and I have to be interviewed by the headmaster.
He's got a busy schedule.
He has agreed to see us Thanksgiving.
This, of course, changes our plans.
Wait.
You mean I don't get to see my grandson? Of course you do.
We'll move our Thanksgiving celebration to Boston.
- I'll call the airline.
- I'd better cancel our rustic Thanksgiving.
Hello, Buck, it's Dr Crane.
Take the mints off the pillows.
Frederick, your father is here.
- Dad! MARTIN: Hey, Frederick! FRASIER: Good to see you.
MARTIN: Good boy.
- Hi, Lilith, how you doing? - Happy Thanksgiving, Lilith.
Martin.
Niles.
Nice neighbourhood.
I noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age - playing in the street.
- Yes.
He's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.
Niles, I'm afraid, with this interview, I'm running a little behind schedule, so I'm enlisting you to help with the turkey.
Oh, well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but the recipe's here.
I guess I can fumble my way through.
How far along are you? I'm nearly done defrosting.
And the turkey? Might I suggest you stuff it? So the rabbit says to the bear, "No, no.
I said, 'Oedipal' not 'edible.
"' Good one, Dad.
- Hello, Lilith.
- You're late.
Oh, well, happy Thanksgiving to you too.
Well, there, Frederick.
Now, Mommy and Daddy have to run off to this meeting.
After that, I'm all yours.
Meanwhile, why don't you head on upstairs and show Granddad and Niles your new computer? FREDERICK: Okay.
MARTIN: Come on, sport.
My God, are you half as nervous as I am? - And then some.
- We have got to master our nerves.
It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents.
Lilith, do you still keep the Valium with the contraceptives? Sorry, I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application.
I'll assume you meant the Valium.
Perhaps before the interview you should sheathe that butter-knife-sharp wit of yours.
Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that bun of yours a notch or two.
Frasier, stop.
We should be focusing on our son.
You're right, of course.
We've always had our differences, but we've put them aside for the welfare of Frederick.
This may be the most important thing we ever do to ensure his happiness.
Not counting our divorce.
Freddie's gonna break in this new mitt I bought him.
Frederick doesn't play ball.
He was just about to watch Pocahontas and write a satiric essay on the historical inaccuracies.
[FRASIER LAUGHS.]
FRASIER: Well, we're off.
Now, wait.
Where do you keep your saffron? - Third cupboard.
- Um-hmm.
Where are your shallots? In the crisper.
By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity.
In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole? All right, Mommy and Daddy are going to see that you're wearing a Marbury blazer, or die trying.
Dad, maybe you should remove the entrails.
No can do.
Freddie and I are gonna play catch.
Mother says balls are for the slow children.
Yeah? Well, Grandpa's in charge now.
You're gonna love baseball.
It's easy as riding a bike.
- Mother says bikes are - Yeah, I know.
I know.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- Dr Campbell.
- Dr Sternin.
- Dr Campbell.
- Dr Crane.
Please come in.
- You have a lovely home.
- Yes.
Thank you so much for seeing us today.
You're welcome.
Make yourselves comfortable.
I'll get coffee.
Thank you.
I think that went rather well, don't you? So far, so good.
Oh, my God, we have just got to get Frederick into this school.
I am so nervous.
I feel as though all the colour has drained from my face.
- How is my makeup? - Well, you could use a pinch.
- Oh, do I have time? - No, no, no, you can use a pinch.
Thank you.
- Oh, oh, Lord.
Oh, oh, dear.
- What? Oh, well, I, uh I just reached down to pull a thread off what I thought was on my jacket.
It seems it's attached to this cushion.
Oh, Lord.
Look, now this little bird has no beak.
- Stop doing that.
- I, um Give me your nail clippers.
- I didn't bring them.
Just bite it off.
- All right.
- Does either of you take cream? - Yes.
Yes, thank you.
Then let me begin by saying that the child who fills this opening need not worry for the future.
"Opening"? There's only one? Yes.
Well, children of alumni and certain generous benefactors are, of course, given preference.
- Of course.
- Of course.
Now regarding your Frederick, his scores, of course, are excellent, and I have no doubt he is being courted by other prestigious schools.
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, that goes without saying.
Still, we like to think that we are a cut above.
Our sixth-grade talent show just spawned a highly successful cast album.
Frederick has perfect pitch.
Yes, we often use him to tune the piano.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Excuse me.
Hello? Senator Geiger.
I thought I'd made it perfectly plain that you'd be notified by mail.
Well, senator, rules may not mean anything on Capitol Hill, but they still mean something to me.
And that is why young Noah will be seeking his education elsewhere.
Do I sound flexible? Marbury thanks you for your interest.
[CUP CLATTERS.]
- Frasier, your coffee.
- Oh, yes, please be careful.
Those chairs have been in the family for three generations.
Okay, let's take a look.
Oh, it's not so bad.
[NILES YELPS.]
- You hardly notice it.
FREDERICK: Uh -oh.
- I lost my MedicAlert bracelet.
- Oh, maybe it fell off - when we were playing catch.
- I'll go look.
All right.
I still don't know how it happened.
I lobbed it right to him.
When will you learn? The only thing the Crane boys are skilled at catching is sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus.
Let's make a pact that as long as we're guests of Lilith's, we'll avoid all activities that could possibly harm Frederick.
Where are those pie crusts? FREDERICK: Found it.
[THUD.]
I taste blood.
- Now you've done it.
- My God, Frederick, I am so sorry.
Squeeze right up here.
There.
[CAR DRIVES UP.]
It's them.
Hey, pal, why don't we go find some cotton upstairs - for that thing, huh? - Wait, wait, wait.
- How will I explain this to Lilith? - How did you give Maris bad news? Usually by breaking a tranquillizer into her Slim-Fast.
Did you notice how those patrician eyebrows of his arched when you mentioned Frederick's National Science Award? FRASIER: Yes.
- I take it Dr Campbell was favourably impressed? - Ohhh.
- We had an initial bout of nervousness, but after that, we did an absolute bang-up job.
Speaking of bang-up jobs You know, Lilith, there's just one question - I wish we'd answered differently.
- Which one? Remember, he mentioned Frederick was being courted by other schools? I wonder if we shouldn't have made it clear that Marbury is far and away our first choice.
Frasier, if you overanalyse every detail, you will rob us of the joy of the moment.
It will be our wedding night all over again.
Speaking of hard-to-explain bruises Yes, well, you're right.
You're right, of course.
I'm sure everything's fine.
Unless we didn't convey to him how highly we regard Marbury.
Well, see, that is my worry.
We must correct this.
What should I say? Oh, Lilith, stop! Stop! Remember what happened when the senator called? - We need We need a ruse.
LILITH: You're right.
How's this? We go back, and I say that I lost my earring in his living room.
While looking for it, we casually mention that Marbury is Frederick's first and only choice.
- Perfect.
- Let's go.
Speaking of dumb-ass ideas [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
Ah, yes, Dr Campbell, I hope we're not disturbing anything important.
Actually, I'm a bit frazzled trying to get my Thanksgiving dinner together.
I'm afraid I lost an earring here this morning.
Well, I'll have a look around and call you if it turns up.
- Well, um - Uh, do you think I might be able to take a peek right now? I wouldn't even think of asking, but it was a treasured gift from Golda Meir.
- Very well.
- Thank you.
Forgive me, I must turn the heat down on the pumpkin soup.
We rehearsed everything we were going to say on the ride over.
Where the hell did Golda Meir come from? I admit it wasn't half as clever as "um.
" - But it got us in.
- Mm-hmm.
- Any luck? - Not yet.
We're so sorry about this.
The whole ride over here we kept saying: "Why did this have to happen at the only school that matters to us?" Yes, as you know, Marbury is our first choice.
Oh, look, here it is.
- That was lucky.
- Remarkably so.
Considering that wasn't the chair you were sitting in.
- Um - Well, I suppose it's time we be shoving off.
I'm curious.
I've always been a great admirer of Mrs Meir.
How did you meet? Oh, well, it's a funny story.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Frasier, you tell it much better than I do.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
It was back in college days.
Lilith spent a summer at a kibbutz and was dating her grandson, Oscar.
That would be Oscar Meir? Yes.
Well, just imagine the ribbing he took.
Indeed.
Well, it's so good to see you both again.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
Marbury thanks you for your interest.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
"Marbury thanks you for your interest.
" - We know what that means.
- Oh, good.
Then you'll have no trouble interpreting this.
You had to give him gum, didn't you? Not just gum, bubble gum.
Maybe what threw him off is having to breathe through his mouth while he chewed it.
You know, Frederick, when I was a boy nothing brought a smile to my face like when Mother would make a rëmoulade and let me lick the spoon.
- Thanks, Uncle Niles.
- You're welcome.
You think maybe I should trim his bangs a little bit? Maybe you should put the scissors down while he still has one good eye.
Uh-oh.
- Is there anchovies in this? - Yes.
Oh, my God, I've never seen hives break out that fast.
[CAR DRIVES UP.]
- They're back! - Freddie, you got any pills for this? I got pills for everything.
Of all the names in the universe, you had to pick "Oscar.
" You started us down that path of insanity.
Golda Meir.
Golda my ass! This sniping is pointless.
Getting into Marbury was a long shot anyway.
You heard the man.
Most of these openings go to children of alumni and generous benefactors.
FRASIER: Yes, yes.
Wait a minute.
Oh, my God, we're such fools.
See what he was trying to tell us? He was trying to give us the way to get Frederick accepted.
Are you saying he was fishing for a donation? So you think he was just trying to see if we were willing to pay our fair share? What else? - Hi, Daddy.
- In a minute, Frederick.
God, it was right in front of us, and we missed it.
- We didn't even see it.
- How could we be so blind? Maybe we should get ourselves back there and give him what he wants.
Right.
We can't let anything stand in the way of our son's welfare.
- Mother.
- Mother has to run, munchkin.
Go play with Grandpa.
Ah, Dr Sternin and Dr Crane.
Forgive me if I don't give you a big hello hug, but as you can see, I'm wearing this greasy apron.
On top of which, I'm beginning to loathe the sight of both of you.
All the more reason for us to be brief.
Yes, I'm sure you'll be on your way just as soon as you've found the cufflink given to you by Haile Selassie.
No false pretence this time.
We know that with so many qualified applicants and only one position open that your decision must be very difficult.
Yes.
And so, in the spirit of the holidays, like Indians to your Pilgrims' table, we bring this little bit of garnish, as it were, in the hopes that our relationship may flower.
I'll have you know that, in 22 years, I have never accepted a bribe.
I have to tell you that I find this utterly offensive in every possible way.
Now, if you don't mind, I have guests on the way and a turkey so undercooked a skilled veterinarian could still save him.
- But, Dr Campbell - Unless the rest of that sentence is: "I have a fully cooked turkey" in the breast pocket of that blazer, I'm afraid our conversation is at an end.
Muah! [TIMER DINGS.]
CAMPBELL: This is indeed a very special holiday for us all.
Pamela, Cynthia, I'm particularly grateful that finally you've been able to set aside your differences and join us in this Thanksgiving tortellini.
Well, as angry as I was that you admitted Regan into Marbury instead of our Wesley, it's all worked out for the best.
Wesley is thriving at the Barkley School.
I'm delighted to hear it.
Oh, I have a dusty bottle of Chateau Lafitte in the cellar waiting for an occasion like this.
Well This is nice.
Yes, it is.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- I'll get it.
- I'll get it.
- Hello.
- Hello, is Dr Campbell in? Yes, he's just gone to the cellar to get a bottle of wine.
Don't mean to intrude, but we heard he was having trouble with his turkey, thought we'd drop this by.
Oh, how very generous of you.
Please, come in.
- Oh, thank you.
- Look, everyone, friends of Colin's - have brought us a turkey.
- Well, I think "friends" is probably stretching it just a tad.
You see, our son was a candidate for Marbury, and in our zeal to see him accepted, we may have come on a bit strongly.
Yes.
Well, I mean, I'm sure you understand, as parents yourselves.
It's only natural to wish the very best for your son.
- Oh, absolutely.
- There are other good schools.
- Barkley is excellent.
- Yes.
Well, thank you very much for trying to cheer us up.
But I mean, really, if you're looking for a filet mignon, you can hardly swallow ground chuck.
Now, now.
Barkley is a very charming little school.
- "Little school"? - Now, don't be so sensitive.
- Damn your condescension.
- Damn your jealousy! - Don't talk to my wife that way! - Oh, shut up, Elliot.
Don't you talk to my husband that way! [CONFUSED CHATTER.]
Quiet! We brought a turkey.
I don't know how this started.
I can only be sure it started with the two of you.
- Actually, we - I will die a happy man if I never set eyes on either of you again.
Unfortunately, there's only one way I can think of to ensure that.
Your son Frederick is hereby admitted to the Marbury School.
However, he will be immediately expelled if either of you violates any of the following conditions: You will not bring him to school.
You will not collect him.
You will not attend any recitals, plays, sporting events or school functions up to and including Frederick Crane Day, should we ever have one.
And when graduation comes, you will dispatch an appropriate envoy with a video camera.
And now it is with great pleasure - that I bid you goodbye forever.
- Allow me.
BOTH: We're in.