Frasier s08e10 Episode Script

Cranes Unplugged

FRASIER: Who's up next, Roz? We have Cleo from Redmond on line three.
Hello, Cleo.
I'm listening.
CLEO: Hi, Dr.
Crane.
I've been dating three different guys and I can't choose between them.
Is it that you can't choose or you don't want to choose? It's just hard.
One's really funny, one's adventurous and one's sensitive.
They're all gorgeous too.
Oh, excuse me, Cleo.
This show is for people with real problems.
Roz.
Um, it sounds to me as if each suitor possesses one quality that you admire.
Rather than choose among them, why not try to find one person who fits all your criteria? Why don't you call back when you're a working single mother whose choice in dates is between a guy with eight teeth and a guy whose hair is painted on? Sadly, we're out of time.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane saying good day, Seattle, and good mental health.
Unless, of course, Roz has a problem with that.
Is there something wrong, Roz? Because if there is, we should discuss it before it bleeds into your work.
ROZ: I'm sorry.
I'm just sick of hearing people complain about their love lives while I face another weekend without plans.
- Well, I empathize, but - I know.
Look who I'm telling.
It so happens I have big plans this weekend.
Let me guess: You and Niles are playing your zithers again at the Renaissance Faire.
Get real, Roz.
The Renaissance Faire is a fortnight after Saint Swithin's Day.
No, my son is coming to town.
Dad and Daphne should be picking him up at the airport right now.
I didn't know Freddie was coming.
Well, it was sort of last-minute, actually.
You know, you remember I had that reunion of sorts with my old college mentor, Dr.
Tewksbury.
Well, it led to a lot of soul-searching.
He helped me to realise that I've been defining myself by my career, and it's time that I rearrange my priorities.
And my first priority is my son.
What is he now, 12? - No, 13, Roz.
- Wow.
Gosh, you know, the years really have flown by.
- I feel like I've missed so much.
- So, what are you guys gonna do? Lots of things.
I thought we'd see a play and take in the computer show.
He loved that.
And, um Oh, I've decided we are going to read Walden together.
- Some vacation.
- No, no, Roz.
It is, actually.
You see, every year, we pick a book to read and discuss.
It's It's been sort of a bonding thing between us.
And, gosh, you know, I hate to brag, but Freddie really is a very articulate young man.
He's very imaginative, not to mention what a great sense of humour he has.
Oh, that reminds me, Frasier.
Alice said the cutest thing this morning.
Careful, Roz.
You don't wanna turn into one of those mothers who bores everybody talking about her child.
At level seven, grab the bio-suit and then teleport to the acid tank.
Really? Hey, Grandpa, put on MTV, channel 46.
All right.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV] Oh, jeez.
What is this? They're half nude.
That's just not right.
I saw this one already.
Oh, hello, Dad.
Freddie.
Ha, ha! Come give your dad a hug.
I'll call you back.
FRASIER: God, it's so good to see you.
Oh! Well, so how was your flight? - Eh.
- Good, good, good.
Did you get all your unpacking done? - Yeah.
FRASIER: Great.
I've been looking forward to seeing you.
We're gonna have fun.
What would you like to do first? Whatever.
[PHONE RINGS] Hello? Hey, Zack.
Hang on, let me get some privacy.
Well That's certainly not the greeting I was expecting.
I've never seen such dancing.
What do you think those shorts are made of? Some sort of steel mesh.
What the hell are you watching? - It's Freddie's programme.
- Good Lord.
He doesn't seem very happy to be here.
He hardly said two words to me.
Oh, it's perfectly normal.
You're his dad.
Kids that age don't wanna talk to their dad.
I never stopped talking to you.
I know, buddy.
- Evening.
FRASIER: Oh, hi, Daph.
Dinner will be ready soon.
Niles is joining us.
FRASIER: Good, good.
Say, Daphne, did Freddie say anything in the car? DAPHNE: Not really.
We put your show on the radio.
Heard Roz give that caller the business.
FRASIER: Oh, yeah.
[DOORBELL RINGS] - Oh, I'll get that.
- All right.
You know, it's a pity she hasn't found someone to love.
I mean, what could be sadder than growing old alone? Yeah, I wasn't talking about you, Dr.
Crane.
- You got your father to grow old with.
- Ah, yeah.
DAPHNE: Niles.
- Hello.
Hi.
Mwah.
Hey, Niles, I didn't miss a squash date, did I? No, no, I was playing with Jack Betcher.
Pummelled me but good.
From now on, I'll stick to playing you.
FRASIER: Oh, yes.
- Where's Freddie? FRASIER: I'll go and get him.
You always smell so masculine after you've finished exercising.
It's the mango-kiwi shower gel.
[DOORBELL RINGS] - Oh, hi there.
- Oh, hello.
I'm Jack.
I just dropped Niles off.
NILES: Jack? - You left this in my car.
Oh, thank you.
Jack, this is Daphne, my girlfriend.
You're a fine-looking one, aren't you? - I don't know.
- Modest, that's good.
- I don't see a ring.
Single? - Yes.
- Looking? For a woman? - Sure.
Right.
- Employed? - A surgeon.
- Mm.
Impressive.
JACK: Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, it's good to see you again, Jack.
Thanks, goodbye.
What's happening? I think I'm having some kind of stroke.
Roz is lonely so I thought I'd try and set her up with someone.
Oh, maybe Jack.
- There's a thought.
- Okay, I get it now.
- Here we are.
- Oh.
Hello, Freddie.
Hi, Uncle Niles.
- Would you give us a moment? - Sure.
Freddie, about what you just saw I know you've always had special feelings for Daphne.
- There's something I need to tell you.
- I already know about you guys.
Oh.
Uh And you're okay with that? I liked her when I was a little kid.
I'm over it now.
I mean, she's like 100.
She most certainly is not.
- It just burns you up that I got her FRASIER: Niles.
Why don't you get us both some sherry? Well, Freddie, I've made some wonderful plans for our time together.
I've already chosen the book we're going to read.
I'll give you a hint.
Published in 1854, this paean to self-sufficiency was known as the cornerstone of the transcendental movement.
Oh, oh, oh! Yes, yes, Niles.
I'll let you get the next one.
- Freddie, any thoughts? - No.
- Niles? - It's Walden by Henry David Thoreau.
Of course it is.
"It is life near the bone where it is sweetest.
" Should be the source of much lively discussion, wouldn't you say? I don't know.
Why don't you just talk about it with Uncle Niles? Niles.
Well, yes, if that's what you'd like.
We'll discuss it together.
"If the engine whistles, let it whistle till it is hoarse for its pain.
" Oh, shut up, Niles.
Hey, how was the computer expo? Okay.
Freddie, why don't you tell Grandpa about the new virtual reality? And he's gone.
- So did you have fun? - Oh, yeah.
It was a blast.
He spent the entire time trying to ditch me.
You know I only get to see Freddie a few times a year.
Usually, we make the most of it.
Now all he wants to do is play that damn computer game.
MARTIN: Well, you know, Fras, he's not different than you were at that age.
Except instead of video screens and electronics, you always had your head in books.
- That's entirely different, Dad.
- No, it isn't.
We couldn't get you to do anything.
You know, I remember when you read that Walden book.
It was on the family camping trip.
So? Well, what better time to read about nature? MARTIN: That's just it.
While you were in the cabin reading about it, we were outside enjoying it.
You'd rather read about something than experience it firsthand.
You know, my mentor remarked on that very thing.
Freddie.
Freddie, I've made a decision.
We are going to the woods.
- What for? - We are going camping.
- It'll be good for the both of us.
- But I don't want to.
Too bad.
It'll be fun.
Fathers and sons should do fun things together.
You and Grandpa don't do fun things together.
Hey, leave me out of this.
That's why he's coming along as well.
There will be no TV, there will be no electronics, there will be no distractions.
Just three generations of Cranes cooking over a fire and sleeping under the stars.
We leave at daybreak.
Good work, Freddie.
Oh! What an idyllic spot.
I'm already beginning to feel like Thoreau.
We can't sleep here.
This place bites.
It does not bite.
"It is shelter, as good as the best, and sufficient for its coarser and simpler wants.
" Is that you talking or that guy from Where's Walden? Good one, Freddie.
[FRASIER LAUGHS] Yes, you know, the two of you may want to immortalise this good-natured raillery in these journals that I bought for you.
Thanks, but I wouldn't know what to write.
Well, Dad, you simply write down your experiences.
- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Freddie, l I don't see a bathroom.
You're surrounded by 50,000 acres of it.
Ha-ha! How quaintly rustic.
Yes, Frederick, just pick a tree and make it your own.
So, Dad, I thought we might do an activity later.
- What kind of activity? - Oh, I don't know.
Maybe press some leaves or whittle a birdcall and see if we can lure some finches to our sill.
Take it easy now, we wanna save something for tomorrow.
Dad, could you please be a little more supportive? I'd like to, but I tried to get you to camp a million times and you had to wait till playoffs are on.
Dad, you can watch the playoffs all year.
The kids at the next campsite built a rope swing.
- Can I go over? - Don't see why not.
Thanks.
- What the hell was that? - It's just a rope swing.
Wait till he sees us drying leaves in the sun.
He'll come running.
I'm just about fed up with your sarcasm.
I'm trying to do some father-son bonding here.
Will you just butt out? You know what? I just thought of something to write in this thing.
ROZ: This is a bad idea.
My hair's flat.
Never have a good date when my hair is flat.
If it's flat after, that's a good date.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Your hair's not flat, Roz.
It's delightfully frizzy.
DAPHNE: Hello.
JACK: Hi.
NILES: Hey, Jack, come in.
You remember Daphne.
- Yes.
- This is Roz.
- Hi, Jack.
- Hi.
So, uh, where are you two going for dinner? I thought we'd try the Pergola.
They have a garden patio.
Unless you'd rather eat inside.
I don't want you to get cold.
Oh, don't you worry about that.
Come on, Roz, I have a couple of wraps.
You can borrow one.
- What do you think? - She's pretty.
You know, I should check my service before we go.
- Okay.
Can I pour you some wine? - Sure.
It's Dr.
Betcher.
Really? Well, isn't Dr.
Unger on call? I'm kind of busy right now.
All right, I'm on my way.
There's an emergency with one of my post-op patients.
- Please tell Roz I'm really sorry.
- Of course.
- Thanks, Niles.
- Yeah, good luck.
We need a man's opinion.
The velvet trim or the multicoloured? - Where's Jack? - He left.
- He left? - It was an emergency.
What kind of an emergency? Like he saw me and thought I was a dog emergency? - No, no, no.
He said you were pretty.
- That's it? Well, he flew out of here as soon as you left the room.
Oh, God, he was just trying to get out of this date.
- I've been dumped.
- Oh, I'm sure you weren't dumped.
- He was paged, right, Niles? - Oh, yeah, the old fake page routine.
No, no, no, not even.
He actually called in.
- I should go.
- We understand, you wanna be alone.
No, Roz, I won't hear of it.
You'll stay right here with us.
Oh, I don't wanna be a pain.
You guys have a big evening planned.
Roz, you are so considerate.
We can have an evening any old time.
You'll stay for dinner.
ROZ: All right.
- Allow me.
Well, what are we having? Because I don't like fish.
Oh, Freddie, there you are.
Thank goodness.
Can I have dinner with these guys? They're having sloppy joes.
I'm sorry, but Frederick is having dinner with his family this evening.
Come on, Dad.
That's okay.
Come by later.
We're making S'mores.
Yes, we'll see.
All right, now off you go, young people.
Just sit down, Frederick, and eat your meal.
- Have a good time? - I guess.
What'd you do? We played some Frisbee.
Sucked with all those trees in the way.
Yes, well, perhaps one day civilisation will cut down all those trees and pave over this grand wilderness.
Then you and your friends can play Frisbee without constraint.
How would that be? I don't know.
I'm done.
Can I go now? - No.
- Why not? This is your first camping trip and we're gonna enjoy it together.
This isn't my first camping trip.
- You never told me that.
- I don't tell you a lot of things.
Oh.
I see.
Well, you may go.
So he's been camping before.
Instead of this being something special, it's just another thing I've missed out on.
This trip was a bust from the get-go.
We leave at daybreak.
What's with you and daybreak? I'm gonna see if those kids have a generous grandpa with a six-pack.
Sit.
DAPHNE: I once dated a guy who was so grabby, I jumped out of his car while it was still moving.
Did I ever tell you about this jerk named Nick? I dated a Nick.
[DOORBELL RINGS] My Nick had a silent G at the beginning of his name.
He was Vietnamese.
I wonder who this could be.
Oh, what an incredible surprise.
It's Hans.
Hans, come in.
Roz, Daphne, this is Hans.
He's a doctor from my building.
Nice to meet you.
Hello, Hans.
What brings you by? I'm a friend of Frasier.
Uh, I was downstairs, so I thought I'd pop by, see if he was in.
- Yeah, well, he's not.
- You could stay for a drink.
Why don't come here? Sit next to Roz.
Niles, help me fix those drinks, will you? Yes, dear.
Doctor my eye.
That's Ted, the moron from the deli.
- Are you sure? - Oh, stop it.
You invited him over here for Roz.
She's in no mood to be trifled with.
- Neither am I.
- I'm sorry.
I was trying to help.
Yeah, well, if you want to help, get rid of him.
Love you.
Can you believe this, Daphne? Roz, I am so sorry.
This evening's been a disaster.
No, I mean, things are looking up.
Hans and I are really hitting it off.
Do you have any mints in here? - Try the cupboards.
- Thanks.
I have a really good feeling about Hans.
He's very funny.
He just told me he was chief doctor of Brainiactrics.
- Where did he go? - I gave him the boot.
He's gone.
- Who's gone? - Hans.
He had an emergency.
- Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
- Oh, Roz I thought this one liked me.
Man, I've driven away two doctors in one night.
No, Hans is just the meat slicer from the deli.
And that's supposed to make me feel better? Oh, God, I just wanna put this whole night behind me.
I don't blame you one bit.
I'm sure it will all look better in the morning.
I sure hope so.
You two have listened to enough of my problems for one night.
Oh, look, Titanic just started.
When you hear that scratching at your window late at night, remember that young couple and Fork Hand.
Oh, come on, that's scary stuff.
I told that to Duke last summer and he wet his sleeping bag.
Wait a minute.
Isn't this Duke's sleeping bag? - Now you're scared.
- Ha-ha.
Oh, gosh, Dad.
I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier.
You know, I guess I was just hoping this trip might give me and Frederick some sort of, I don't know, golden moment.
- I guess I'm just disappointed.
- I know.
But you know, none of this would be happening if we had a TV.
TV makes everyone get along.
MARTIN: Oh, hey, buddy.
FRASIER: Hi, Fred.
- Well, I'll just take a little walk.
FRASIER: All right.
- See you in a bit, Dad.
MARTIN: All right.
Frederick, we're gonna be leaving in the morning.
But I don't wanna go.
No? I thought you'd be dying to get back to your Game Boy.
Well, yeah, but I kind of made plans.
Oh, really? With who? - Nobody.
- Oh, then, you don't have plans.
We leave at Nine-ish.
Okay, fine.
I have plans with Melody.
- The S'mores girl? - Yeah.
She's cute.
She's a cheerleader.
Ho-ho! I remember a particular cheerleader from my youth.
Lorna.
She was a beautiful girl.
In fact, I was so intimidated by her, I could never even work up the courage to approach her.
- Dad.
- Damn it.
I kissed her.
Oh.
I know.
It was her first time.
It was my first time too.
I see.
Don't tell Mom about this, okay? She'd ask all kinds of stupid questions.
Don't worry, son.
It's just between you and me.
You know, I think I'll write for a while before bed.
Whoa.
Did you see the stuff that Grandpa wrote about you? Give me that.