Friends s04e03 Episode Script

We are so in luck! Treeger said we could have all this cool stuff! Wait right there.
Oh, no.
I'm paddling away.
Really? We got all this rusty crap for free? This and a bunch of bubble wrap.
And some of it is not even popped.
Could we be more white trash? The One with the Cuffs How desperate am l? Good thing Chandler's not here.
He always wins at this game.
I just told my mom I'd cater her party.
-How come? -I need the money.
It'd be a great way to get rid of that last smidgen of self-respect.
I think this is a good thing.
Mom wouldn't have hired you if you weren't good.
You don't have to stick up for her.
She can't hear you.
Do you have any juice? Just pickle.
Funny story.
I bumped into Joanna yesterday.
My boss, Joanna? That must have been awkward.
Actually, she asked me if I wanted a drink.
You didn't say yes to that, did you? Hello, Rachel.
Well, not at first.
What is she doing here? Last time you went out with her you said she was a dud! I judged her too quickly.
This time, we took it to the next level.
Last time I almost got fired.
You must end it.
You must end it now.
It's not an everyday occurrence! Usually I'm in there by myself.
Promise.
-Rachel, aren't you running late? -No -You are if you pick me up a bagel.
-Okay.
Promise you will end this now.
-I promise.
I'll end it.
-Thank you.
I hope you know what I'm giving up.
She's not just the boss in your office.
You know what I mean? Sorry.
I knew what he meant.
How's the hired help? Doing great.
Quiches are coming along.
What's this? Blue nail polish? I thought it was cute.
It's what your grandmother's hands looked like when we found her.
Let me ask you a question.
Why did you hire me? Richard raved about the food at his party but you were sleeping with him.
Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was nice.
I assume you didn't sleep with anyone there.
At least that would be something.
Oh, my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I'm good.
I didn't hear that.
She didn't hire me out of pity.
It wasn't so she could pick on me.
She actually thinks I'm good.
And hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian.
Good afternoon.
Are you the decision-maker of the house? Do you currently own a set of encyclopedias? No, but try the classifieds.
People sell everything in there.
Actually, I'm not buying.
I'm selling.
Let me ask you one question.
Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along, not sure what they're talking about? I'm telling you, it's totally unconstitutional.
I think he deserves a Nobel Prize.
It was like the Algonquin kids' table.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
You haven't said anything for about two minutes.
Are you at all interested? Come on in.
-That's weird.
-What? Your nails.
I wore fake ones so my mom wouldn't give me grief about biting them.
I meant, it's weird that you only have nine now.
Oh, my God! Wait a minute.
I had them when I put Oh, my God! It's in the quiche! -Oh, my God! -Okay, don't panic.
I'll go buy you a new set of nails.
No one will know, and you'll look great! It's because they're going to eat That's the problem.
Honey, don't bite your nails.
Please don't freak out.
There's a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups.
And there's no way to know which one.
And whoever finds it wins the prize! I'm not freaking out.
-Why are you laughing? -Now your father owes me $5.
You bet I'd lose a nail? Don't be silly.
I just bet that I'd need these.
Frozen lasagnas? You bet that I'd screw up? All that stuff about how I was good No, that was all true.
This was just in case you "pulled a Monica.
" You promised Dr.
Weinberg you'd never use that phrase.
Come on.
Have a sense of humor.
You're never able to laugh at yourself.
That's right.
My mom has no faith in me! That's hilarious! I don't get it.
No.
I have faith.
No.
You have lasagnas! The ruined quiches are ready! -I really don't think we should be doing this.
-Okay.
It just doesn't feel like we're breaking up.
No, we are.
I'm sad.
Can you wait till tomorrow? All right.
Unbelievable! Thanks.
That was my boss.
I have to go.
What are you doing? -I'm getting dressed.
-Why? When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage.
Wait.
I want to show you something.
What is it? Just a little gag gift somebody gave me.
Put your hands together.
You're not the boss of me.
Yeah, you are.
Saucy! I'll be back in two minutes.
You're going to leave me like this? Knowing you're here waiting for me.
I think it's exciting, don't you? If you don't come back soon there's pretty much nothing I can do about it! I brought you back a macaroon.
Great.
I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.
That's weird.
She locked the door.
You know why? She's got the bonus list in there.
I saw her working on it today.
Swear you won't tell.
When Mark left, he gave me a key to her office.
You want to see the list? How are you? Hello, Joanna office.
I'm sorry.
I'll be a little longer.
-How little? -A couple hours.
This isn't funny.
Get back here now! -I can't! -Why not? I'm in my boss' car.
-What? -Tunnel! What? Rachel, could I see you for a moment? Okay, here's the situation.
The keys to the cuffs are on the door.
Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over here and unlock me? And on a totally separate subject, that's a lovely pantsuit.
You promised you would break up with her.
I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well! Jeopardizing my career never entered your mind? It did enter my mind.
But then something happened that made it shoot right out.
You got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out.
I can't get myself right out of them.
You must have me confused with the "Amazing Chandler"! Unlock me! She could be gone for hours, and I'm cold and.
All right! This is it! Never see her again.
Never! -Never come in here again.
-Fine! Give me back my Walkman! I never borrowed it.
Then I lost it.
Buy me one! You got it! Here we go! Come on.
This is great! Does it hurt? No, I always see guys do this when handcuffs are taken off.
Hello, sweet pants! Wait! What will you tell Joanna? About what? She'll see you're gone and know I let you out, and I'll get fired! I'll tell a lie! I'm good at lying! I actually did borrow your Walkman! She'll know I have a key to her office.
I've got to lock you back up.
I don't think so.
This is much better.
Here's somebody interesting.
What do you know about Van Gogh? -He cut off his ear.
-And? I'm out.
He painted that.
That's pretty nice.
I thought he cut off his ear because he sucked.
-What else you got in there? -Let's see.
-Where does the Pope live? -ln the woods.
Wait, that's the joke answer.
Actually, it's Vatican City.
Now, what do you know about vulcanized rubber? Spock's birth control.
You need these books.
This used to be your room? You must have been in really good shape as a kid.
I'm such an idiot! I can't believe I thought she could change.
Who cares what your mom thinks? So you "pulled a Monica.
" I'm glad that's catching on.
Why does that have to be a bad thing? Just change what it means.
Prove your mother wrong.
You finish the job, and we'll call that "pulling a Monica.
" What? If a kid gets straight A's, his parents say, "You pulled a Monica.
" A fireman saves a baby, and they go, "He pulled a Monica.
" Someone hits a homer, and they say, "That one's out of here.
" Because some things don't change.
All right.
I'll go down there.
I won't serve the lasagna.
I'll serve what I make.
My breasts are really strong.
I have to get you locked back up.
I'm so going to lose my job! She's very private about her office! Now I know why! You're in trouble either way.
If she sees me locked to this she'll know you were here.
You might as well let me go.
-I'll clean your bathroom for a month.
-Still won't be clean.
All I want is my freedom.
-Foot rubs for a month! -Freedom! -I'll put all your photos into albums! -I want my freedom! Why won't you hear me! Sophie, help me! Sophie, sit! Would you just calm down?! I'm going to say this for the last time.
Would you please just There's a lot I didn't know about vomit.
In a minute.
So what do you say? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for $1200.
That works out to just 50 bucks a book.
$1200? You think I have $1200? I'm home during the day and I got patio furniture in my living room.
There's a few things you don't get from book learning.
Well, what can you swing? How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time? You don't have anything? You want to see what I got? I got a baby Tootsie Roll a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex a rock and an army man.
Okay, I get the picture.
Thanks for your time.
And a fifty.
These must be Chandler's pants.
For $50 you can get one book.
What will it be? A? B? C? I'll stick with the V.
I want to see how this bad boy turns out.
I will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts! I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning! -With extra pulp? -Yeah.
I've got it! You don't have it.
I have so got it! There will be rumors about this.
No way to stop it.
Sophie, Monica and Phoebe know.
-How do they know? -I called them.
When they ask me what I saw I can be very generous or very stingy.
Go on.
I can make you a legend.
I can make you this generation's Milton Berle.
-And Milton Berle has -Not compared to you.
They're not even touching the lasagna.
They love your casserole! It's hard to believe a while ago this was just ingredients.
Everyone seems to like your dish.
And you? I thought it was quite tasty.
So if everyone liked it, and you liked it that would make this a success.
Which would make you.
A bitch? I meant "wrong," but we can use your word.
Yes, well, I was wrong.
And I have to say you really impressed me today.
You might even say that she "pulled a Monica.
" She doesn't know we switched it.
And the next time you cater for me there will be nothing but ice in the freezer.
That really means a lot.
Mom, don't bite your nails! Hello, Chandler.
I love you.
What's going on? No, he doesn't! Two hours, that lasted.
So did you break up with Joanna? I think so.
It's good you got out, before she blew up like Vesuvius.
The volcano? Speaking of volcanoes, man, are they a violent igneous rock formation! What? Lava spewing, hot ash.
Of course, some are dormant.
Why are you talking about volcanoes all of a sudden? We don't have to.
What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The vas deferens? The Vietnam War? Did anyone see that documentary on the Korean War? Korea's a beautiful country.
With such a sad history.
Could there be more Kims? -Who's out there? -Me! Good morning! Could you come in here, please? Sure! They didn't have poppyseed bagels so I have sesame Oh, my word! I've had a slight office mishap.
Could you get the key for me? -lf you could.
-Oh, I'm sorry! You can tell your friend Chandler we're definitely broken up this time!