Friends s04e06 Episode Script

-Thanks for the tasty dinner.
-You're welcome for a tasty dinner.
What are you guys looking at? Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.
Yeah, come to Papa! I know! Probably the only time I'll say this but did you see the ass on her? What did you? When did you? How did you? How did you get a girl like that? So what is she, like a spokesmodel? An aerobics instructor? Actually, she's a paleontology doctoral candidate specializing in the Cenozoic Era.
But that's, like, the easiest era.
I've seen her at work, but I always figured.
But I made her dinner.
We had a great time.
And we're going out again tomorrow.
Maybe her friends are betting to see who gets the biggest geek.
Fine by me.
Hope she wins.
Hey, we should have a contest.
Yeah.
See who can bring home the most beautiful woman.
That's a good idea, Joe.
We could call it life.
The One with the Dirty Girl You have any wrapping paper? Is it for my birthday present? It was your birthday months ago.
You said you ordered something special and it just hadn't come yet.
I have a call in about that.
It's for Kathy.
It's an early copy of her favorite book.
The Velveteen Rabbit! When the boy's love makes the rabbit real.
Don't touch it because your fingers have destructive oils.
Then you'd better keep it away from Ross' hair.
This is pretty rare.
How did you get that? No big deal.
I just went to some bookstores talked to some dealers, called some of the author's grandchildren.
Honey, that's so sweet.
What a great way to say, "l secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend.
" It doesn't say that.
Does it? How will it look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive, and her boyfriend, Joey, gives her an orange? I'll make sure Joey gets her something really great.
It's got to be better than that book.
Like a crossbow! Once again, I am sorry.
Thank you.
Bye.
I had to turn down a job catering a funeral for 60 people.
Oh, my God! What happened? Sixty guests.
Why'd you have to turn it down? I don't have the money or equipment to handle something that big on such short notice.
Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like "Moni-can't," not "Moni-can"! Moni-ca.
You've been playing around with this catering for years.
-Do you want to be a caterer? -I don't know.
There you go! That's the spirit! If you need money, I will lend you money.
Just get moving! Really? I'd need $500 for all the food and supplies.
It's worth it if it'll get you moving.
You haven't worked in months! -Neither have you.
-Yes, but I'm doing this.
That would be great! Thank you.
-Can I borrow your apartment keys? -Why? You can pee here.
Yes, I can, of course.
It's okay.
The duck's using our bathroom anyway.
What are you getting for her birthday? We've been dating a couple weeks.
I got to get her something? You have to get her something really nice.
-I know! -And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love.
" -A crossword! Can I help? -No.
Last week I got all but three answers and I want to finish one without any help.
Fine.
But you can't help me develop my new universal language.
How'd it go? Oh, my God! It was the best funeral ever! Everyone loved the food.
I even got another funeral for tomorrow.
The dead guy from today's best friend.
It's like I am the official caterer for that accident.
Mon, I'm so happy for you! Thanks.
Check out my new catering stuff.
Look! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to order? I'll have one, please.
Plus my money.
I didn't realize you needed it right away.
You told me to go and be a caterer.
So I went.
I be'd.
I used it to buy all this stuff.
Aborigine.
I got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back then.
Okay.
Sorry I acted like a bank.
Aborigine.
Oh, no, I tried that already.
Would you like to come in? Did Homo erectus hunt with wooden tools? According to recent findings.
Here, Mitzi! Here, Mitzi! Mitzi is? My hamster.
I hope she's okay.
I haven't seen her in a while.
Have a seat.
Where? Oh, hey.
Do you.
Do you have any Cinnamon Fruit Toasties? Well, I do.
Let's go back to my place, light a couple candles break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties.
-I'd rather not.
-Oh, yeah? Why not? Don't take this the wrong way but your place kind of has a weird smell.
-ls everything in the car? -Did you settle the bill? I hate this part.
Look what we almost left! That's not mine.
Look what we almost took! Excuse me, Mrs.
Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up.
Good.
Thank you.
And, well, there's this small matter of the.
-Dear? -The matter of payment.
Jack used to handle the finances.
-You get it? -No, but I made a widow cry.
See you in hell.
You know what we should all do? Go see a musical.
Sure.
You know which one? The 1996 Tony Award winner.
I mean, that one's gotta be good.
Do you know the name of that one? I don't know.
Grease? Rent? Yes! Rent! So when do you want to go? What? I'm sorry.
I can't, I'm busy.
Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
Yes, it is at Office Max! What did you get her? A pen.
It's two gifts in one.
It's a pen that's also a clock.
-You can't give her that.
-Why not? She's not 11! And it's not the seventh night of Chanukah.
What he means by that is, while this is a very nice gift maybe it's not something a boyfriend gives.
Sure it is.
She needs a pen for work.
She's writing.
She turns it over.
"It's time for my date with Joey!" All right.
What did you get for Angela Del Veccio's birthday? She didn't have one.
For three years? Look, it's too late, and I got an audition.
I can't shop anymore.
I will go out and try to find something for her.
Thanks, man.
While you're at it, could you get her a card? Would you like me to write her a little poem as well? Or just get a card that has a poem already in it.
Oh, so it's a card, but it's also a poem-holder.
-You have to get our money.
-She couldn't stop crying.
With those thick glasses, her tears look giant.
I know, it's tough.
You know what the first thing I did after my mom's funeral was? -What? -Pay the caterer! I've had a lot of jobs.
And there are some people who always try to get out of paying.
It's either "That massage wasn't long enough" or "l don't know any of those songs" or "These sombreros aren't big enough.
Bad little white girl!" So you think she's faking? There weren't any tears till you showed her the bill.
She sounded pretty upset to me.
She seems fine now.
So you just left? Her place was really that bad? You throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day.
Like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage.
And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage.
And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time and garbage is all that has survived.
-Here.
-Wow.
Thanks.
So what happened? Nothing.
I had to get out of there.
Next time, you take her to your place.
I tried that.
She says it has a weird smell.
-What kind of smell? -I don't know.
Soap? -Listen, you like this girl, right? -Yeah.
-You want to see her again? -Yeah.
So you're going to have to do it in the mess! Yeah, okay.
You're right.
I mean, who cares about a little sloppiness? -It's endearing, really.
-All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit.
Any luck? Yeah, I found this great place called "lnvisible Things for Kathy.
" Can you give me a hand with all this stuff? Just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen and you get her something worse than that Iike a regular pen.
She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is, I want her to have it even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her.
Honey, that's so sweet.
You don't think it's just pathetic? Oh, "pathetic"! I've been looking all over for you.
-Where? -Our place.
The hall.
I got something for her.
It's a book.
A book? Is it a book that's also a safe? It's a book that's just a book.
It's the Velveteen Rabbit.
It was her favorite as a kid.
So just let me know if she likes it, okay? You got it.
Thanks for doing this.
I owe you one.
There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there? No, it came out to an even twenty.
Wow.
That's almost as much as a new book.
-You didn't get the money? -Maybe I can try at intermission? You know what? Let's just go.
We're not leaving till we get paid! I don't know who she thinks she is.
I talked to the florist.
She didn't get paid either.
Or the limo driver, or the priest, and he can get the dead guy damned for all eternity.
Well, I'm not going back out there.
Fine.
Enough is enough! Hey, widow? Widow? Excuse me? Excuse me! Thanks.
Clearly this is a very, very hard time for you.
But we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service.
We are not leaving here until we are paid every penny, because we're part-time caterers and we have no place else to go.
All right.
I'll get my bag.
Good.
I'm going to leave some cards here.
Please think of us for your next event.
So you want to come inside? Yes.
Yes, I do.
I'll be right back.
Make yourself comfortable.
Guess who? Department of Sanitation? It's me.
What? Oh, Cheryl! -It's my hamster! It's Mitzi! -Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
I must have freaked out.
Thank God it's not Mitzi! It's just a rat.
I did it! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug.
Move! Hey, you guys! I finished it all by myself! Hug me.
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
How did it go? The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her till she did.
I'm a hard-ass.
And I'm a wuss.
We should be partners.
Hard-ass and wuss.
We could fight crime.
Wait a minute, Phoebe.
We should be partners.
We should be catering partners.
You're not working now, and we have a great time together.
I cook and you take care of the money.
It'll be like I have a wife in the 50s! How did she like the gift? She loved it.
She's showing the girls right now.
Yeah? That's great.
I got to tell you I feel bad taking credit for this, because am I going to get a lot of credit for this! -Happy birthday.
-Thank you.
You know, Chandler got you a gift too.
No, he didn't.
Yeah, he did.
Look, it's right there on the counter.
Happy birthday.
I'm sorry.
You really didn't have to.
You think it's just a pen, but you turn it over and it's also a clock.
No, this is great! -Thank you, Chandler.
-Oh, yeah.
Want to go to bed? I'll be in, in a minute.
Don't forget your coupon.
Good night.
Thank you for the gift.
I just knew that sometimes when you're writing you don't always know the exact time.
No, I didn't mean the pen.
Thank you for the book.
The book? The Velveteen Rabbit? I have a feeling you had something to do with it.
What do you mean? When Joey gave it to me he said: "This is because I know you like rabbits, and I know you like cheese.
" Thanks.
I love it.
I know how hard it must have been for you to find.
In case you missed that, that sound was, "Oh, well.
" You must really like Joey to go to all that trouble.
Oh, yeah.
He's my He's my best friend.
-Well.
-Good night.
Hey, that coupon expires, you know.
You don't know me.
I'm Monica Geller, Ross' sister.
You know, it's too bad that didn't work out.
Anyway, he told me about your apartment.
Well, I couldn't sleep thinking about it.
So would it be okay if I cleaned it? I won't be able to sleep.