Friends s04e22 Episode Script

That was the 10th time I've peed here.
It's also the 10th time you've told us.
Sorry, it must be hard to hear.
It's easier having babies playing "Bring in Da Funk" on your bladder! I am so sick of being pregnant.
God! I can't sleep, except on my back, which hurt.
So I can't sleep.
My only happiness is from a cup of coffee which is decaf because I'm pregnant! You want a cookie? Thank you so much! So, honey, how are those mood swings coming? I haven't had any yet.
The One with the Worst Best Man Ever Hey, guys.
All right, here's the ring.
Yes, yes! A thousand times, yes! Any ideas for the bachelor party? Before rings and bachelor parties, you have to decide who your best man will be.
Oh, it's awkward.
I already asked Chandler.
He got to do it at your first wedding.
I figured you'd understand.
I've known him longer.
I don't have any brothers.
I'll never be a best man.
You can be the best man when I get married.
I'll never get to be a best man! Wait, wait.
So you'll be my best man twice, and I won't be yours at all? Of course, you can be my best man.
-What about me? You said I could.
-I'm not getting married! It's a question for science-fiction writers.
I can't believe it's not me.
-How could it not be me? -I'm not even You know what? That's it.
From now on, Joey will be my best man.
Shame about you, though.
-Stop it.
-What? One of the babies is kicking.
That's a good thing.
It's not kicking me.
It's kicking another baby.
Don't make me come in there! Do you have a big bowl I can borrow? There's one under the cabinet.
-Why do you need it? -We're having a party tomorrow night.
-Are you planning on inviting us? -No.
Later! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani! Hormones.
How come you're having a party and we're not invited? -It's Ross' bachelor party.
-So? Are you bachelors? Are you strippers? Then you're not invited.
Then you're not invited to our party either.
What party? Phoebe's baby shower.
Baby shower? That so doesn't sound like something I want to do.
I can't believe I'm going to have a party.
That's so great.
A party! I don't know why.
This is what I got going for the party liquor-wise.
-Get a lot of liquor.
-Great.
In terms of the invite list, I got you, me and Chandler.
I'll invite Gunther because we're talking pretty loud.
I'll be there.
I know it's your party but I'd like to limit the number of museum geeks.
Let's not invite any anthropologists.
Just the dinosaur dudes.
We'll need a six-pack of Zima.
Hey, what are you doing? Just planning my bachelor party with my best man.
Good luck trying to top the last one.
It won't be that difficult since this one won't be in the basement of a Pizza Hut.
I'm Ross, I'm Ross.
I'm too good for the Hut.
I gotta go pick up Ben.
Everything sounds great.
Keep it on the mellow side.
A few guys hanging out.
-No strippers or anything.
-You got it.
See you later.
Have fun planning your mellow party.
There will be strippers.
He didn't say anything about no strippers.
He just said, "No strippers.
" I chose not to hear that.
Look what I got, look what I got! They make these for little people! Little Village People.
Look at this one.
This is my favorite.
That is so sweet.
Phoebe will love dressing them.
Except she won't be the one who gets to dress them.
She won't get to keep the babies.
My God, we are throwing the most depressing baby shower! Unless we give her all gifts she can use after her pregnancy.
Like regular coffee.
Tequila! -A carton of cigarettes! -She doesn't smoke.
-It's the thought that counts.
-It's a great idea.
And those leather pants she's always wanted! She'll love that! What the hell is this? You thought it'd make me feel better? To give me something I can't use for two months? This sucks! -Who gave me this? -Well, l They told me you like them.
All right, then I'm wrong.
It's a great gift.
The best present I ever got! What's my next present? We don't have anything.
All right, fine, then this is over.
Balloons! -Listen, about the stripper.
-Yeah? Good call! So I'll be hosting your next bachelor party? Joey, I'm kind of hoping this will be my last one.
A little announcement.
I've decided that my best man is my best friend Gunther.
What's my last name? Central Perk? Thanks for not marrying Rachel.
Hey, Gunther! Don't forget your shirt.
What are those? Little party favors.
Check it out.
Just want everybody to know the position of my best man is still open.
So is the position of the bride.
Great.
Smooth, man.
You got some chili on your neck.
I just want to say thanks, everyone.
This was great! See you guys Monday morning.
-Thanks, Joey.
-Don't forget your shirt.
Hey, museum geeks! Party's over.
Wave bye-bye to the nice lady.
There you go.
Back to your parents' basement.
All right.
Boys, come on out.
Here you go.
Look at the birdies! Are those yours? They let you keep chickens and ducks as pets? And I got the duck totally trained too.
Stare at the wall.
Hardly move.
Be white.
You are good at that.
I had fun tonight.
-You throw one hell of a party.
-Thanks.
It was great meeting you.
If any of my friends ever get married or have a birthday or a Tuesday.
Yeah, that'd be great.
So, I guess, good night.
Unless you want to hang around.
I'll let you play with my duck.
Stripper! The stripper stole the ring! Chandler, get up! The stripper stole the ring! -What? -The ring is gone! Just give me a minute to wake up for this.
You lost the ring.
You're the worst best man! This isn't funny.
I go to sleep, everything's cool.
I wake up, the stripper's gone, and the ring is gone! -You slept with her? -Of course! -Hi, guys.
-Hi, Phoebe.
I wanted to apologize if I seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower.
Just the hormones.
-No, we -Hormones.
I wanted to say thank you.
It was so sweet.
You seem to be doing much better.
-How are things going? -Good.
Everything's been about me lately.
So what's happening with you? We were just talking about me not going to Ross' wedding.
It just might be too hard, given the history and all that.
This reminds me of the time when I lived on the street.
This guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him.
How is this like that? Well, let's see.
It's not really like that.
Because that was an actual problem.
And yours is just a bunch of high-school crap that nobody really gives! I'm sorry.
I just thought Here come the water works.
I called the company that sent her, and they don't care.
I called 911 and they yelled at me.
This is an emergency! I really wanna help you out, but I got plans to go see Titanic so I've got to call 911 to find out what time it starts.
Hey, guys.
Thanks again for last night.
What a great party.
The guys from work had a blast.
One of them had never been to a bachelor party before.
Another one had never been to a party before.
So that wedding ring.
-Man, that is nice.
-Yeah, right? I might pick one of those babies up for myself.
Where might one get one of those? When my grandmother first came to this country that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.
So you might say that the ring is irreplaceable.
Absolutely.
It's been in my family for generations.
Every bride who's worn it has lived a long and happy life.
So you might say it's a magic ring.
Yeah, the stripper stole it.
What? -What did you just -I think I heard what he said.
I believe it was, "The stripper stole the ring.
" My ring? My wedding ring? The stripper stole my wedding ring? How could this happen? It all started when you said, "Joey, you be my best man!" All right.
I'm going to call the cops.
I screwed up.
But you don't have to turn me in.
-Not on you, on the stripper.
-I already did that.
They said they'd look into it after they solve all the murders.
-We'll call the company that sent her.
-I did that too.
They wouldn't give me her real name.
They said if I bother them again, they'd call the police.
I said, "You talk to the police, you tell them I'm missing a ring.
" So, what are you telling me? There's nothing we can do? -How could this happen? -Look, Ross, I am so sorry.
What if we just called her used a fake name and had her come to my office? That sounds like fun, but we got a ring to find! Here's your tea, Phoebe.
It's so good.
Thanks.
-Good.
-So glad you like it.
What? She made the tea.
I think I just had a contraction.
-What? -My God! I felt one a few minutes ago.
That definitely was one.
You can't have the baby here.
I haven't sterilized the apartment since the guys moved out! It's okay.
I'll boil some water and rip up some sheets.
It's probably false labor.
That can happen near the end.
Just get the book.
-Get the book! -The book! -The Bible? -I don't know! All right.
This is great.
You get behind the desk.
When she comes in, she won't recognize you because Well, why would she? And then you buzz Ross and l.
You be Mr.
Gonzales, and I'll be Mr.
Wong.
Diverse.
Anybody call for security? You be cool.
Which one is Gunther Central Perk? Joey.
Where's my ring? My dead grandmother's wedding ring.
Way to be cool, man.
What? There was a ring in a box.
After you left, it was gone.
You think I stole some ring? We know you took it! Just save yourself the time and confess.
Who are you, the Hardy Boys? I don't need to steal a stupid ring.
I make $1,600 a week.
Any of you guys make that? Marry me.
I don't get it.
It was in my room all night.
She didn't take it.
I didn't take it.
You didn't take it.
Then who did? We're trying to think.
I don't get how you know it's false labor.
Do you see any babies? -How do you feel? -Okay, I guess.
I don't know.
I know it's going to be over soon so.
But isn't that a good thing? -You said you were sick of this.
-I know.
Usually, when you're done with the pregnant thing you get to do the mom thing.
But I'll be sitting around in my leather pants, drinking tequila.
Some moms do that.
That's even sadder.
Look, I know what I got myself into.
It's just that now that they're in me it's like I know them and.
It just won't be easy when these babies have to go away.
I know, sweetie.
But it's not like you won't have anything.
You'll have nieces and nephews.
That's even better.
-Yeah, okay.
-No, really.
You won't be the one worrying about saving for college.
Or yelling at them when they're bad.
Or putting them on Ritalin when they just won't calm down.
You'll be the one they run away to.
The one they talk to about sex.
You just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe.
Cool Aunt Phoebe.
I am pretty cool.
And you know what else? Are they going to love you! They are going to love me.
Thanks, you guys.
Again.
Oh, sweetie.
Thanks.
What? Just kidding.
Oh, my God! Got you again.
You're so easy! If anything happens to him The vet said it's a simple procedure.
Things can go wrong.
What if he doesn't make it? -He will, Joe.
-But what if he doesn't? He's such a good duck.
I'm so worried about him! Somebody lose a ring? Oh, my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! How's the duck? Just fine.
You'll see him in a bit.
Great.
-Thanks for being so cool.
-No, that's all right.
You made me your best man and I totally let you down.
-It's not your fault.
-Yeah, it is.
You wouldn't have lost it.
Ross, you were right.
He should be your best man.
-No, you should.
-Don't argue.
I get to choose my best man.
I want both you guys.
Really? Both you guys should be up there with me.
You two are my I'm lucky to have just one good Thanks, man.
I got to go check something, okay? -What a baby! -Total wuss.
-How come you're getting Nana's ring? -Mom gave it to me.
She said something about it being a wedding ring and that you may not need one.
I really didn't need to tell you all that.
I don't really think it's fair.
I mean, I've always loved that ring.
Oh, Mon, I'm sorry.
I'd let you have it, but Emily's gotten really attached to it.
Thanks.
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
Emily, did you know that that ring spent two days in a duck's colon?