Fuller House (2016) s02e12 Episode Script
Nutcrackers
1 La, la la la la la Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy The evening TV Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, a hand to hold onto Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a face Of somebody who needs you Everywhere you look Yeah When you're lost out there And you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La, la la la la la Ooh OK, Operation Surprise Photo for DJ is a go.
I wanna see Christmas spirit and I wanna see Yuletide cheer.
What's the difference between Christmas spirit and Yuletide cheer? I also wanna see a silent night.
[Spanish accent.]
Can we hurry this up? It's 100 degrees in this suit.
My chestnuts are roasting on an open fire.
Come on, you guys, let's get this done before Kimmy comes home with DJ.
Here we go, see, it's great.
Uh oh, DJ, don't walk through this door.
Why can't I walk through the d [gasps.]
Oh, Mylanta, you're taking a family photo! Oh, OK, I was never here.
But since I am I always keep one handy in December.
- OK, everybody say "Cheese log.
" - Cheese log! [camera clicks.]
Oh, email me one of those.
I wanna send it to Matt in India.
Who has a dad that lives in India? Uh, I'm guessing a lot of Indians.
[doorbell rings.]
It's always open! Hey, you guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
OK, we've got an after-hour sick pet situation.
This is my daughter, Rose, and this is her bunny rabbit, Jack, who's not feeling so good.
I named him after Jack from Titanic.
It's my all-time favorite movie.
Oh, Titanic is Max's favorite movie too, isn't it Max? [romantic music plays.]
[thinking.]
Why can't I talk? I must be in heaven 'cause I'm looking at an angel.
Boy, it's windy in heaven.
- So what's wrong with your rabbit? - He won't eat.
You hear that, DJ? "He won't eat.
" I have no idea what that's like, but I mean it sounds serious.
Well, I am happy to watch him overnight.
You don't mind having a little friend over, do you, Cosmo? [romantic music plays.]
[sighs.]
Cosmo don't mind.
[Cosmo thinking.]
Hey there, honey bunny.
Wait, am I still wearing these dumb antlers? What I put up with for a can of dog food! Oh, and when you come back tomorrow to pick up Jack, Max and Rose can have a playdate.
Would you guys like that? If Max wants to.
Yes, I do! I mean, sure, I can move some things around.
[CJ.]
Thanks, Deej.
We should head out.
FedEx is delivering the rest of my Nativity scene tonight.
They forgot the baby Jesus.
It's just not the same with my Urkel doll in the manger.
Bye.
See you tomorrow, Max.
Oh, boy, looks like you've got your first crush and you're already a mess.
How do you know? Well, not to brag or anything, but being awkward around girls is kinda my thing.
Well, I will see you tomorrow, Steph-a-roni, my San Francisco treat.
OK.
Oh, and don't forget we have plans Christmas Eve to go watch Ramona dance The Nutcracker.
- Right.
- OK.
Oh, there's something important I've been meaning to tell you, um I've been thinking all day about the right way to say it and I believe it's with words.
And the words are: I've been offered a job in Auckland.
Woah Auckland? Are you gonna take it? Maybe, I'm not sure.
Wow, I I mean, I don't wanna stand in the way of your career, but we're in such a good place.
You know, I can't imagine you being half a world away.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Hey, I'm gonna miss you too, but it's only a 30-minute drive.
OK, wait, do you mean Oakland, California or Auckland, New Zealand? Auckland, California.
OK, hold on.
- Say "Oak.
" - Oak.
- Now say "Land.
" - Land.
- Now say "Oakland.
" - Auckland.
I need to go lie down.
Hey, hold on.
Are you upset because you thought I was gonna leave you? Steph, that'll never happen.
I love you, you're awesome.
Wait, what did you just say? You're awesome.
No, before that.
Steph, that'll never happen.
After that.
You're awesome.
OK, I really need to go lie down.
OK.
I love you.
[silently.]
Hey, Ramona.
Why did you send me a text saying you had to tell me something you couldn't text? Because sometimes the written word just doesn't tell the whole story.
That's what emojis are for.
Have a seat.
So, you know how I'm playing the Mouse King in The Nutcracker right? Well, the thing is they extended the show and I have to perform tomorrow night.
But tomorrow night's my Christmas Eve party.
You're really not coming? I know.
I feel so bad.
This is the part where you tell me you understand and we're still best friends.
OK.
I understand.
I just wish you could come.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Lola.
What's this? Is it mistletoe? Not a good time.
- Hi, Lola.
- Hi, Doctor Fuller.
Oh! Mistletoe! - [whistling.]
- Hey.
I didn't know you were here.
Steph, I wanna apologize about what I said last night.
Yeah, I wasn't expecting that at all.
Turns out you were right.
It's pronounced "oak-land.
" Anyways, I wanted to make it up to you so I decided to build us a gingerbread house.
I even built gingerbread Jimmy and Stepho.
[laughs.]
Steph, you sure are sweet, and that's not just 'cause you're mostly sugar.
[giggles, mimics kissing.]
Cute.
Cute? This is adorable.
OK, yeah.
It's adorable.
You're acting weird.
Is this because I said "I love you" yesterday? What? You said that? I didn't even hear it.
Well, then I'll say it again.
I love you.
Well, I definitely I heard it that time.
You know, sometimes when people say "I love you," the other person says "I " I thank you and I bid you a fond farewell.
You didn't have to bite my head off! And now, onto my favorite herbivore, sauropods, which includes the brachiosaurus, apatosaurus and dip, dip, dip lodicus.
You're incredible! You're incredible-er.
Rose, I could play it cool, but life is short.
And so are we.
What I'm trying to say is you're my dream girl.
[gasps.]
Max! Give me your hand.
Now close your eyes.
Take a step up.
Do you trust me, Rose? I trust you.
OK, now open your eyes.
I'm flying, Max! [gasps.]
I'm flying! It's like we're on the Titanic.
[sniffs.]
I can almost smell the ocean.
Oh, no, that's my fish tank.
I have something for you.
Turn around.
I hope you like it.
Can you please pull up your hair? Oh, Max, you shouldn't have.
Oh, yes, I should have.
It's just like Rose's necklace in the movie.
Only "Made in China.
" May I help you down, my darling? Why thank you.
Rose, I don't want this playdate to end.
Will you accompany me to the ballet this evening? I would be delighted.
M'lady.
Why does Jackson find this so difficult? [giggles.]
Wow, merry Christmas to me! Good news for Jack.
It was mild indigestion.
No more pad thai before bedtime for that little fella.
[laughs.]
We have an announcement.
We're in love.
Wow, that was some playdate! Deej, is that the heart necklace I gave you in Tenth Grade? - I don't know.
Is it? - Max, where did you get that? From a shoebox under my mom's bed labeled "DJ and Steve forever.
" That is not a thing that I have.
It's right there.
I forgot to put it away.
[DJ giggles nervously.]
Oh! You mean this "DJ and Steve forever" box.
I just use this for my tax receipts.
So it's actually a "DJ and Steve Goldfarb, my accountant, forever" box.
Well, if you'd excuse us, I'm going to go treat my true love to a string cheese and an apple juice box.
Oh, my goodness! Apple juice is my favorite kind of juice.
- Except for - [both.]
Cranapple.
Where have you been all my life? My mom's house.
Why, thank you.
Deej, I love that you kept that silly little necklace all these years.
You know, I won that for you at the arcade on our fourth date.
Oh, yeah, you surprised me with it on the Ferris wheel.
Oh, you were such a romantic.
Hijita? I cannot wait to see you perform as the Mouse King.
It's every father's dream to see his little girl play a giant rat.
I just wish I didn't have to go tonight.
But, honey, you're so good.
What's wrong? [sighs.]
Lola's mad at me because I have to miss her party.
I feel like I'm about to lose my best friend.
I just wish I could be at two places at once.
Wait! Idea hatching And idea hatched! You don't go on until the end of Act One.
So what if Papa drives you to Lola's party for an hour and then gets you back to the theater right before your entrance? Best idea you've ever hatched! Every now and then she really lays a good one.
Why do I have to sit through a ballet? Because we support Ramona the same way we support you in your activities.
I don't have any activities.
And we're very supportive of that.
Sweetheart, we really need to talk.
And we will, babe, but I really need to go talk to my sister right now, so I really excuse me, just scoot down there, I know, I know, I'm sorry, just why don't you go just relax.
[general mumbling.]
Hi.
Pretend to talk to me.
[silently.]
So, if I have this right, this thing is about a girl who dreams that a nutcracker kills a rat.
And it's gonna take three hours.
[sighs.]
Wake me up when it's over.
Pardon me.
Yep, excuse me, everybody just scoot down, sorry, I have boat feet, so if you could just - [Jackson.]
Ow.
- No, it's Yeah.
Oof.
[sighs.]
Hey, I'm back.
I missed you, sweetie pie.
I I missed you too, babe.
I, you know, I should get back to my assigned seat.
Excuse me Seriously? OK, ow, ow.
Thank you.
Excuse me OK.
OK.
Hi.
Pretend to talk to me.
[silently.]
You know, this is how you should always speak to me.
[silently.]
[sighs.]
Oh, Max, the only way this could be any more romantic is if were freezing in the North Atlantic ocean.
Clinging to a floating door.
I could scoot over so you could climb on, but for some reason I don't.
[cell rings.]
I need to take this.
It's my psychic.
She predicted I would get this call.
Hi, Mom.
Ramona, where are you? Papa got lost.
We've been driving in circles.
I'm a race car driver, that's what I do.
We're gonna be late.
OK, don't worry.
I'll take care of this.
I'll figure something out.
Excuse me, pardon me.
Sorry.
Just one more time.
Sorry.
[general mumbling.]
[Jackson.]
I'm trying to take a nap.
Excuse me, pardon me.
- What - I just have to go to the ladies' room.
Take me with you.
[Nutcracker music.]
[fake yawns.]
Oh, Max.
You don't have to fake yawn.
I like your arm around me.
Why do you find this girl thing so hard? [whispers.]
Oh, look, there's Ramona! The lighting makes Ramona look just like Kimmy.
- It is Kimmy.
- Of course it is.
Oh I'm sorry.
I'm new here.
Sorry about that.
Oh! OK, now that was your fault, I'm just saying.
[ninja cry.]
[continues ninja cries.]
[groans in pain.]
This is better than I thought.
What did I miss? Well, Kimmy's taken over as the Mouse King and she just nutcracked the Nutcracker.
Of course she did.
[Nutcracker music continues.]
Five, six, seven, eight And sparkle, and sparkle, and spin, and spin, spank, spank, spank And gallop, and gallop that's right! [Kimmy.]
Keep galloping! I'm sorry I'm late, I'm ready, but I can't find my crown.
That crazy lady has it.
That crazy lady's my mom! Of course she is.
Mom, what are you doing? The Gibbler Gallop.
But now, it's Hammer time.
[Nutcracker music continues.]
I need a new Nutcracker, so you're it.
Suit up.
[Nutcracker music still playing.]
And we're shopping, and we're shopping.
Macaroni.
Get the beans, check the date.
It's expired, put it back.
We're still shopping.
Let's conga.
Do-do-do-do-do hey! - Do-do-do-do-do - [dancers.]
Hey! Now get out there and kill your mother.
Sorry Mom, I'm here to kill you.
But everyone loves me.
Mom, the Mouse King always dies.
Not tonight, sucker.
[screams dramatically.]
It hurts! Oh, it hurts.
[sighs.]
I gave you life! You gave me death! [continues to sigh.]
[Nutcracker music continues.]
Mom, just die already.
I'm trying.
Stop interrupting.
[groans.]
[cheering.]
Wait! Wait, I'm not dead yet.
Mom, I've gotta wrap this up, people are leaving.
[groans.]
Remember me how I was.
The most beautiful mouse in the world.
[cheering.]
I noticed Jimmy's RV is gone.
Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it.
OK.
Mind if I sit with you and wrap? Sure.
[raps.]
I'm DJ Fuller and I'm here to speak It's Christmas Eve and I'm a rhyming freak I'm gonna keep on rappin' Till your lips start flappin' [beatboxes.]
OK, OK Fine.
I'll talk.
What's up with you and Jimmy? [sighs.]
He's just acting like a total jerk.
What did he do? Well, first he said Auckland when he meant Oakland.
The nerve.
Right? And then he made gingerbread cookies of the two of us.
He's a monster.
And when he told me he loved me, he expected me to say it back.
Ah, now we're getting somewhere.
And now I'm done talking.
My one-year-old is fast asleep I got all night to lay this beat A wiggedy wiggedy wiggedy wack Please stop.
All right.
I don't know.
When Jimmy said "I love you," I just I couldn't say it back.
OK, I hate to say this but I think you have a fear of commitment.
How long was your longest relationship? Five and a half years.
If you add up all 12 of them.
See? You have a pattern.
As soon as you realize you care about someone, you run away.
I do not.
I gotta run.
What Uh-uh.
I have a hunch why you're doing this.
Do you remember how we felt when Mom died? No.
I mean I was only four.
Well, I remember.
And I didn't leave Dad's side for months, but you You disappeared in your room and you hardly talked to anyone.
Except for Mr.
Bear.
He was always a good listener.
I think when we lost Mom, you kind of built a wall around your heart, so you wouldn't have to hurt like that again.
Not that I blame you.
Wow.
Yeah.
You're right.
I'm I'm pushing Jimmy away because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
And if you don't let people in then you're gonna miss out on so much love.
Yeah.
I really screwed things up with Jimmy.
Well, then go call him! He doesn't wanna talk to me, he already left.
Well, don't let this one get away.
OK, you two are great together.
Thanks, Deej.
You're a pretty good therapist.
But you're a terrible rapper.
You know, actually, I have a few thoughts on your relationship patterns.
Oh.
Oh, look at the time.
[beatboxes.]
[shouts.]
Come in here, people.
Hurry up! It's about time.
Who asks an eight-year-old to "watch the presents"? It's like asking a shark to babysit a seal.
[doorbell rings.]
[all.]
It's always open! - [all.]
Hi! - Merry Christmas! Thanks again for coming to my party.
Did you really stab your mother? Twice, actually.
It was awesome! I should go.
These are for you and Jackson.
And I have one for you.
Merry Christmas.
[clicks tongue.]
Aww Thanks, Jackson.
- I've gotta get back to Grandma's.
- All right, see ya.
- Bye.
- [all.]
Bye.
- What did you get her? - No idea.
I didn't know she was coming.
I just grabbed the first present I saw.
Happy holidays, everybody! Hi! Jack is back, and he's eating again.
We just split a veggie frittata.
We wanted to drop this off as a thank you for taking care of Jack.
Oh, thanks! Wow! It's as big as a truck tire.
So are the diamonds on my Christmas present from Steve.
They're beautiful.
I love you, CJ.
Boop.
I love you, Steve.
Boop.
Merry Christmas, Doctor Fuller.
I wanted to give you this back.
Oh, you can keep it.
No.
It was yours first.
And my mom does not want it in the house.
[CJ clears throat.]
Merry Christmas, Max.
Oh! It's a brontosaurus! You really get me.
And I have a gift for you too.
Mom, I need your earrings right now.
Max, these are real gold.
And this is real love.
It's OK, Max.
Our love isn't about gifts.
It's about us being soul mates.
[shouts.]
I'm the king of the world! Feliz navidad, Tanner-itos! Oh, Jimmy! Jimmy! Hi! Jimmy, your RV was gone.
I thought you'd left forever.
Nah, I always save my shopping for last minute.
That's how I get Christmas gifts at Hanukkah prices.
I'm so sorry I pushed you away.
I feel the same way you do.
I love you.
You're awesome.
Wait, what did you say? I feel the same way you do.
No, after that.
- You're awesome.
- No, before that.
I love you.
I knew I heard that.
I love you too, Steph-a-claus.
OK, now can we please open some presents? - Yeah! - [Fernando.]
Let's open our presents! [general chatter.]
[Cosmo.]
A treat for my sweet.
I hope she knows I don't dress myself.
[Jack.]
I hope he knows I'm a boy.
[general chatter continues.]
One, two, three, four [theme tune plays.]
I wanna see Christmas spirit and I wanna see Yuletide cheer.
What's the difference between Christmas spirit and Yuletide cheer? I also wanna see a silent night.
[Spanish accent.]
Can we hurry this up? It's 100 degrees in this suit.
My chestnuts are roasting on an open fire.
Come on, you guys, let's get this done before Kimmy comes home with DJ.
Here we go, see, it's great.
Uh oh, DJ, don't walk through this door.
Why can't I walk through the d [gasps.]
Oh, Mylanta, you're taking a family photo! Oh, OK, I was never here.
But since I am I always keep one handy in December.
- OK, everybody say "Cheese log.
" - Cheese log! [camera clicks.]
Oh, email me one of those.
I wanna send it to Matt in India.
Who has a dad that lives in India? Uh, I'm guessing a lot of Indians.
[doorbell rings.]
It's always open! Hey, you guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
OK, we've got an after-hour sick pet situation.
This is my daughter, Rose, and this is her bunny rabbit, Jack, who's not feeling so good.
I named him after Jack from Titanic.
It's my all-time favorite movie.
Oh, Titanic is Max's favorite movie too, isn't it Max? [romantic music plays.]
[thinking.]
Why can't I talk? I must be in heaven 'cause I'm looking at an angel.
Boy, it's windy in heaven.
- So what's wrong with your rabbit? - He won't eat.
You hear that, DJ? "He won't eat.
" I have no idea what that's like, but I mean it sounds serious.
Well, I am happy to watch him overnight.
You don't mind having a little friend over, do you, Cosmo? [romantic music plays.]
[sighs.]
Cosmo don't mind.
[Cosmo thinking.]
Hey there, honey bunny.
Wait, am I still wearing these dumb antlers? What I put up with for a can of dog food! Oh, and when you come back tomorrow to pick up Jack, Max and Rose can have a playdate.
Would you guys like that? If Max wants to.
Yes, I do! I mean, sure, I can move some things around.
[CJ.]
Thanks, Deej.
We should head out.
FedEx is delivering the rest of my Nativity scene tonight.
They forgot the baby Jesus.
It's just not the same with my Urkel doll in the manger.
Bye.
See you tomorrow, Max.
Oh, boy, looks like you've got your first crush and you're already a mess.
How do you know? Well, not to brag or anything, but being awkward around girls is kinda my thing.
Well, I will see you tomorrow, Steph-a-roni, my San Francisco treat.
OK.
Oh, and don't forget we have plans Christmas Eve to go watch Ramona dance The Nutcracker.
- Right.
- OK.
Oh, there's something important I've been meaning to tell you, um I've been thinking all day about the right way to say it and I believe it's with words.
And the words are: I've been offered a job in Auckland.
Woah Auckland? Are you gonna take it? Maybe, I'm not sure.
Wow, I I mean, I don't wanna stand in the way of your career, but we're in such a good place.
You know, I can't imagine you being half a world away.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Hey, I'm gonna miss you too, but it's only a 30-minute drive.
OK, wait, do you mean Oakland, California or Auckland, New Zealand? Auckland, California.
OK, hold on.
- Say "Oak.
" - Oak.
- Now say "Land.
" - Land.
- Now say "Oakland.
" - Auckland.
I need to go lie down.
Hey, hold on.
Are you upset because you thought I was gonna leave you? Steph, that'll never happen.
I love you, you're awesome.
Wait, what did you just say? You're awesome.
No, before that.
Steph, that'll never happen.
After that.
You're awesome.
OK, I really need to go lie down.
OK.
I love you.
[silently.]
Hey, Ramona.
Why did you send me a text saying you had to tell me something you couldn't text? Because sometimes the written word just doesn't tell the whole story.
That's what emojis are for.
Have a seat.
So, you know how I'm playing the Mouse King in The Nutcracker right? Well, the thing is they extended the show and I have to perform tomorrow night.
But tomorrow night's my Christmas Eve party.
You're really not coming? I know.
I feel so bad.
This is the part where you tell me you understand and we're still best friends.
OK.
I understand.
I just wish you could come.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Lola.
What's this? Is it mistletoe? Not a good time.
- Hi, Lola.
- Hi, Doctor Fuller.
Oh! Mistletoe! - [whistling.]
- Hey.
I didn't know you were here.
Steph, I wanna apologize about what I said last night.
Yeah, I wasn't expecting that at all.
Turns out you were right.
It's pronounced "oak-land.
" Anyways, I wanted to make it up to you so I decided to build us a gingerbread house.
I even built gingerbread Jimmy and Stepho.
[laughs.]
Steph, you sure are sweet, and that's not just 'cause you're mostly sugar.
[giggles, mimics kissing.]
Cute.
Cute? This is adorable.
OK, yeah.
It's adorable.
You're acting weird.
Is this because I said "I love you" yesterday? What? You said that? I didn't even hear it.
Well, then I'll say it again.
I love you.
Well, I definitely I heard it that time.
You know, sometimes when people say "I love you," the other person says "I " I thank you and I bid you a fond farewell.
You didn't have to bite my head off! And now, onto my favorite herbivore, sauropods, which includes the brachiosaurus, apatosaurus and dip, dip, dip lodicus.
You're incredible! You're incredible-er.
Rose, I could play it cool, but life is short.
And so are we.
What I'm trying to say is you're my dream girl.
[gasps.]
Max! Give me your hand.
Now close your eyes.
Take a step up.
Do you trust me, Rose? I trust you.
OK, now open your eyes.
I'm flying, Max! [gasps.]
I'm flying! It's like we're on the Titanic.
[sniffs.]
I can almost smell the ocean.
Oh, no, that's my fish tank.
I have something for you.
Turn around.
I hope you like it.
Can you please pull up your hair? Oh, Max, you shouldn't have.
Oh, yes, I should have.
It's just like Rose's necklace in the movie.
Only "Made in China.
" May I help you down, my darling? Why thank you.
Rose, I don't want this playdate to end.
Will you accompany me to the ballet this evening? I would be delighted.
M'lady.
Why does Jackson find this so difficult? [giggles.]
Wow, merry Christmas to me! Good news for Jack.
It was mild indigestion.
No more pad thai before bedtime for that little fella.
[laughs.]
We have an announcement.
We're in love.
Wow, that was some playdate! Deej, is that the heart necklace I gave you in Tenth Grade? - I don't know.
Is it? - Max, where did you get that? From a shoebox under my mom's bed labeled "DJ and Steve forever.
" That is not a thing that I have.
It's right there.
I forgot to put it away.
[DJ giggles nervously.]
Oh! You mean this "DJ and Steve forever" box.
I just use this for my tax receipts.
So it's actually a "DJ and Steve Goldfarb, my accountant, forever" box.
Well, if you'd excuse us, I'm going to go treat my true love to a string cheese and an apple juice box.
Oh, my goodness! Apple juice is my favorite kind of juice.
- Except for - [both.]
Cranapple.
Where have you been all my life? My mom's house.
Why, thank you.
Deej, I love that you kept that silly little necklace all these years.
You know, I won that for you at the arcade on our fourth date.
Oh, yeah, you surprised me with it on the Ferris wheel.
Oh, you were such a romantic.
Hijita? I cannot wait to see you perform as the Mouse King.
It's every father's dream to see his little girl play a giant rat.
I just wish I didn't have to go tonight.
But, honey, you're so good.
What's wrong? [sighs.]
Lola's mad at me because I have to miss her party.
I feel like I'm about to lose my best friend.
I just wish I could be at two places at once.
Wait! Idea hatching And idea hatched! You don't go on until the end of Act One.
So what if Papa drives you to Lola's party for an hour and then gets you back to the theater right before your entrance? Best idea you've ever hatched! Every now and then she really lays a good one.
Why do I have to sit through a ballet? Because we support Ramona the same way we support you in your activities.
I don't have any activities.
And we're very supportive of that.
Sweetheart, we really need to talk.
And we will, babe, but I really need to go talk to my sister right now, so I really excuse me, just scoot down there, I know, I know, I'm sorry, just why don't you go just relax.
[general mumbling.]
Hi.
Pretend to talk to me.
[silently.]
So, if I have this right, this thing is about a girl who dreams that a nutcracker kills a rat.
And it's gonna take three hours.
[sighs.]
Wake me up when it's over.
Pardon me.
Yep, excuse me, everybody just scoot down, sorry, I have boat feet, so if you could just - [Jackson.]
Ow.
- No, it's Yeah.
Oof.
[sighs.]
Hey, I'm back.
I missed you, sweetie pie.
I I missed you too, babe.
I, you know, I should get back to my assigned seat.
Excuse me Seriously? OK, ow, ow.
Thank you.
Excuse me OK.
OK.
Hi.
Pretend to talk to me.
[silently.]
You know, this is how you should always speak to me.
[silently.]
[sighs.]
Oh, Max, the only way this could be any more romantic is if were freezing in the North Atlantic ocean.
Clinging to a floating door.
I could scoot over so you could climb on, but for some reason I don't.
[cell rings.]
I need to take this.
It's my psychic.
She predicted I would get this call.
Hi, Mom.
Ramona, where are you? Papa got lost.
We've been driving in circles.
I'm a race car driver, that's what I do.
We're gonna be late.
OK, don't worry.
I'll take care of this.
I'll figure something out.
Excuse me, pardon me.
Sorry.
Just one more time.
Sorry.
[general mumbling.]
[Jackson.]
I'm trying to take a nap.
Excuse me, pardon me.
- What - I just have to go to the ladies' room.
Take me with you.
[Nutcracker music.]
[fake yawns.]
Oh, Max.
You don't have to fake yawn.
I like your arm around me.
Why do you find this girl thing so hard? [whispers.]
Oh, look, there's Ramona! The lighting makes Ramona look just like Kimmy.
- It is Kimmy.
- Of course it is.
Oh I'm sorry.
I'm new here.
Sorry about that.
Oh! OK, now that was your fault, I'm just saying.
[ninja cry.]
[continues ninja cries.]
[groans in pain.]
This is better than I thought.
What did I miss? Well, Kimmy's taken over as the Mouse King and she just nutcracked the Nutcracker.
Of course she did.
[Nutcracker music continues.]
Five, six, seven, eight And sparkle, and sparkle, and spin, and spin, spank, spank, spank And gallop, and gallop that's right! [Kimmy.]
Keep galloping! I'm sorry I'm late, I'm ready, but I can't find my crown.
That crazy lady has it.
That crazy lady's my mom! Of course she is.
Mom, what are you doing? The Gibbler Gallop.
But now, it's Hammer time.
[Nutcracker music continues.]
I need a new Nutcracker, so you're it.
Suit up.
[Nutcracker music still playing.]
And we're shopping, and we're shopping.
Macaroni.
Get the beans, check the date.
It's expired, put it back.
We're still shopping.
Let's conga.
Do-do-do-do-do hey! - Do-do-do-do-do - [dancers.]
Hey! Now get out there and kill your mother.
Sorry Mom, I'm here to kill you.
But everyone loves me.
Mom, the Mouse King always dies.
Not tonight, sucker.
[screams dramatically.]
It hurts! Oh, it hurts.
[sighs.]
I gave you life! You gave me death! [continues to sigh.]
[Nutcracker music continues.]
Mom, just die already.
I'm trying.
Stop interrupting.
[groans.]
[cheering.]
Wait! Wait, I'm not dead yet.
Mom, I've gotta wrap this up, people are leaving.
[groans.]
Remember me how I was.
The most beautiful mouse in the world.
[cheering.]
I noticed Jimmy's RV is gone.
Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it.
OK.
Mind if I sit with you and wrap? Sure.
[raps.]
I'm DJ Fuller and I'm here to speak It's Christmas Eve and I'm a rhyming freak I'm gonna keep on rappin' Till your lips start flappin' [beatboxes.]
OK, OK Fine.
I'll talk.
What's up with you and Jimmy? [sighs.]
He's just acting like a total jerk.
What did he do? Well, first he said Auckland when he meant Oakland.
The nerve.
Right? And then he made gingerbread cookies of the two of us.
He's a monster.
And when he told me he loved me, he expected me to say it back.
Ah, now we're getting somewhere.
And now I'm done talking.
My one-year-old is fast asleep I got all night to lay this beat A wiggedy wiggedy wiggedy wack Please stop.
All right.
I don't know.
When Jimmy said "I love you," I just I couldn't say it back.
OK, I hate to say this but I think you have a fear of commitment.
How long was your longest relationship? Five and a half years.
If you add up all 12 of them.
See? You have a pattern.
As soon as you realize you care about someone, you run away.
I do not.
I gotta run.
What Uh-uh.
I have a hunch why you're doing this.
Do you remember how we felt when Mom died? No.
I mean I was only four.
Well, I remember.
And I didn't leave Dad's side for months, but you You disappeared in your room and you hardly talked to anyone.
Except for Mr.
Bear.
He was always a good listener.
I think when we lost Mom, you kind of built a wall around your heart, so you wouldn't have to hurt like that again.
Not that I blame you.
Wow.
Yeah.
You're right.
I'm I'm pushing Jimmy away because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
And if you don't let people in then you're gonna miss out on so much love.
Yeah.
I really screwed things up with Jimmy.
Well, then go call him! He doesn't wanna talk to me, he already left.
Well, don't let this one get away.
OK, you two are great together.
Thanks, Deej.
You're a pretty good therapist.
But you're a terrible rapper.
You know, actually, I have a few thoughts on your relationship patterns.
Oh.
Oh, look at the time.
[beatboxes.]
[shouts.]
Come in here, people.
Hurry up! It's about time.
Who asks an eight-year-old to "watch the presents"? It's like asking a shark to babysit a seal.
[doorbell rings.]
[all.]
It's always open! - [all.]
Hi! - Merry Christmas! Thanks again for coming to my party.
Did you really stab your mother? Twice, actually.
It was awesome! I should go.
These are for you and Jackson.
And I have one for you.
Merry Christmas.
[clicks tongue.]
Aww Thanks, Jackson.
- I've gotta get back to Grandma's.
- All right, see ya.
- Bye.
- [all.]
Bye.
- What did you get her? - No idea.
I didn't know she was coming.
I just grabbed the first present I saw.
Happy holidays, everybody! Hi! Jack is back, and he's eating again.
We just split a veggie frittata.
We wanted to drop this off as a thank you for taking care of Jack.
Oh, thanks! Wow! It's as big as a truck tire.
So are the diamonds on my Christmas present from Steve.
They're beautiful.
I love you, CJ.
Boop.
I love you, Steve.
Boop.
Merry Christmas, Doctor Fuller.
I wanted to give you this back.
Oh, you can keep it.
No.
It was yours first.
And my mom does not want it in the house.
[CJ clears throat.]
Merry Christmas, Max.
Oh! It's a brontosaurus! You really get me.
And I have a gift for you too.
Mom, I need your earrings right now.
Max, these are real gold.
And this is real love.
It's OK, Max.
Our love isn't about gifts.
It's about us being soul mates.
[shouts.]
I'm the king of the world! Feliz navidad, Tanner-itos! Oh, Jimmy! Jimmy! Hi! Jimmy, your RV was gone.
I thought you'd left forever.
Nah, I always save my shopping for last minute.
That's how I get Christmas gifts at Hanukkah prices.
I'm so sorry I pushed you away.
I feel the same way you do.
I love you.
You're awesome.
Wait, what did you say? I feel the same way you do.
No, after that.
- You're awesome.
- No, before that.
I love you.
I knew I heard that.
I love you too, Steph-a-claus.
OK, now can we please open some presents? - Yeah! - [Fernando.]
Let's open our presents! [general chatter.]
[Cosmo.]
A treat for my sweet.
I hope she knows I don't dress myself.
[Jack.]
I hope he knows I'm a boy.
[general chatter continues.]
One, two, three, four [theme tune plays.]