Futurama Episode Scripts
N/A - 2-D Blacktop
What? Where? Up there.
It's extremely delicate, so if one of you breaks it, you're paying for it! - Fry did it! - Did what? Just practicing for later.
Ah, perfect timing.
I just turbocharged the ship's matter compressor.
What's the matter compressor? Nothing's the matter, Fry, now that I've turbocharged the matter compressor.
Instead of making the ship faster, how about installing some seat belts? Seat belts are dead weight.
I feel the need for speed! Yes, but I feel the nafety for safety.
Oh, fuff! I don't get all up in your business when you upgrade your bazooms! That's because my bazooms don't put anyone's life in danger! Done broke my spine.
Nice rack, though.
Thank you, Scruffy.
Oh! You wrecked my dear ship, Bessie?! I just finished naming her.
Never mind the ship.
What about us? Fry did it! We've had it with this flying slaughterhouse.
We're having it towed away for scrap, and we're getting a new, safer ship.
Here I comes to save the days.
This is how you treat me? After all the good news I've given you over the years? Well, if you don't want Bessie, you don't want me.
Good-bye! _ Don't worry, shippums, with a whole junkyard of spare parts to work with, I'll turn you into a tepid rod.
Oh, what the heck-- a hot rod! Ooh! Ooh! Ah time for the mornings meltsdowns.
I'll pay you back, I swear.
Yeah, yeah, I heards its befores.
Next up, the Planet Expresses ship.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whats the? In your face, sucker! Also, I'll send you a check for the parts I stole! Okays, ya honest young punk! Now ons to the next junker.
Ah, the open road! Not a ship ahead of me.
Yo, Methuselah, speed it up! You're making the roads unsafe for us maniac street racers! Step off, you greasers! I was street-racing back when ships still ran on moonwater! Damn, yo, get a load of speed geezer! Hey! That's it, you hoodlums! Your mouth just wrote a PayPal transfer request that your butt has insufficient funds to honor! Yo, it is on! Before that, it was off.
Twice around Central Park.
Loser has to make the winner's Medicare copayments for a year! A'ight.
One Aw, it just got real.
So real I don't believe it.
two Aw, man, I can't afford no Medicare copayments! three! _ Whoa! Wrinkles got some mad moves, yo.
Yo, Wrinkles, you got big glasses.
I'm gonna call you the Professor.
What?! No one calls me that! Hey, Minx, we survive this, can I finally get that date? Nah.
You know I'm with Benny.
Girl, he don't own you! Yeah, but he saved me from my abusive father.
Not physically abusive; verbally.
It's a long story I can't get into while we're spinning out.
Ow! Paper cut! Whoa! Hey, Earl, it's that street-racing gang we've been trying to bust for years.
Unsuccessfully, I might add.
Guess this is your lucky day, Pimparoo.
Those punks have endangered our citizens for the last time.
Ironic! Whoa, it's the police! Let's turn and burn! Running off, eh? You're pathetic! You wouldn't be scared of the po-po if you had a ship like mine.
Yo, Professor, if your ship's so dope, why are those cops on your tail like my dad's verbal abuse on my psyche.
'Cause you haven't seen what old Bessie can do yet.
Sayonara, Tokyo driftwood! - What the what?! - Whoa, snap! Dude pulled a dimensional drift! I can't believe we lost 'em again.
I need a drink.
We're on the job.
Let's just go pepper-spray some homeless families.
- Whoa! - Wow! - Gee! That was a sick move, yo! Thank you.
I have no idea what that means.
You got a death wish, Professor.
Something must've happened in your life that hurt you, just like us.
In my case, it was verbal abuse.
That's in the rearview mirror, baby.
It wasn't what he said that hurt, it was what was left unsaid.
Sometimes the best way to deal with your problems is to drive away from 'em real fast.
So, yo, you want to hook up with our crew? Again, no idea what that means.
Good news, everyone! Our safe new ship has arrived, and it's gonna knock your socks on where they belong.
Is it inside that box? No.
That's the ship.
The boxy shape keeps it from going too fast.
And check out the interior.
Note the rear-facing safety seats.
Cool! Hey, wait.
If I'm backwards, I can't see out the windshield.
There is no windshield.
Who needs a big, breakable piece of glass when we can just monitor everything on the padded dashboard display? At least there's a cup holder.
That's an arm holder.
Hey! Well, let's break this ship in.
This package is going to Glorionimous 3, which orbits an incredible rainbow giant star.
All right! Let's ride! Safe and sound.
Bender is bored, Bender is bored ♪ Bender, Bender, Bender ♪ Leela, Bender's bothering me! Driver distraction detected.
Bender, Bender, Bender ♪ _ Amazing! You multicultural punks just race and tinker all day long? And we rap about our problems.
Like my aunt's neighbor is a hoarder.
Stack of magazines fell on her cat.
It's hard, you know? Yo, you're not alone.
Hey, Professor, that dimensional drift was hot! How'd you rock that? It's simple, Minx.
All you need is a 4-D intake manifold.
It sucks in fourth dimension, creating a friction-less wormhole.
- Whoa! - Dig that! Ain't no thing but a hyperchicken wing.
I guess we're here.
Let's make the delivery.
Welcome home, heroes! The ship did everything? But we didn't have an adventure.
This is a delivery company.
We need less adventures, not more adventures.
Now come on, let's go to the ready room and wait for our next assignment.
- Leela - Ready for action, sir! Uh okay.
I need you to pick up a few groceries.
Oh, and on the way, drop off Fry and Bender at karate class.
Oh, right, it's Wednesday! Today we're gonna learn spinny kicks! Yay! _ _ Stop sign in 75 feet.
Stop sign in 50 feet.
I know how to stop at a stop sign! Yo, soccer mom, speed it up! Move that lunch bucket! Oh, Leela! Professor?! What did you do to the Planet Express ship? And why are you wearing a leather lab coat? Because unlike you, I'm cool.
I drive fast late at night when I should be sleeping.
But you wouldn't understand.
I understand I can still outdrive your saggy ass, even in this clunker.
- Ooh! - Ooh! - Ooh! That one-eyed housewife called you out! When and where, PTA? What kind of glorked up drag strip is this? Möbius drag strip, man.
Okay, no cops, no laws, no rules.
Now here are the rules.
Once around both same-sides of the half-twist and back to the starting finish line.
Ready? Leela, Professor, don't do this! It's too exciting! Mark set go, yo! One more lap! Nah, half a lap.
You forgot, on a Möbius strip, two laps is one lap.
You kids and your topology.
The lady from work is winning! Looks like you're about to lose to a minivan.
Unless you have any surprise moves you've forgotten about.
Wait! Dimensional drift! Now who's in the lead?! Seriously, I have no idea.
Hooray! A tie! Do you think they're dead? No, no.
I choose to believe they're alive in some other dimension.
Screaming in agony.
I hope so.
What's going on? Why do I look like a stupid cartoon character? I feel like I lost weight.
- All of it.
- Remarkable! It seems that colliding at relativistic speed has collapsed us down into two dimensions.
Oh, no! Like Flatland? Call it what you will.
The point is, the new Shrek movie won't look nearly as good.
I was taking a nap in the back seat.
Anything happen while I was? Bloods on the Möbius strip.
When will these kids learns? So now what happens? It's the end of Planet Express and life as we know it.
We're out of business unless we find a new crew! Yo, dawg, we're a crew.
Well, that solves that.
If we're gonna be co-workers, I got to be straight with you.
I've been emotionally scarred by years of unspoken verbal abuse.
Nice to meet you! Hey, Flatso, how do we get out of this two-bit dimension? There's a simple answer for that.
But on the upside, we've got a whole dimension to explore with entirely different laws of physics.
Why, watch what happens when I drop this marble.
Well, that's the same, but other things are different.
Come, look at this two-dimensional bird's nest.
Ooh, me first! I'll just step past Leela here.
- Ow! - Ow! You can't step past in this dimension.
You have to step around.
Observe this two-dimensional egg.
If we were in the third dimension, looking down, we'd be able to see an unhatched chick in it, just as a chick inside a three-dimensional egg could be seen by an observer in the fourth dimension.
Fourth dimension?! I can't picture that! You're dumb.
Halt! Who said that? All I see are a bunch of vertical line segments.
We are the Lords of Flatbush.
The king has declared a feast in your honor.
How did he even know we're here? 'Cause I'm him.
The feast is served! Choose whatever two-dimensional foods you like.
Crepes, flatbread, McDonald's hamburgers.
You get the idea.
Yum! Apples! Hey, how come I can't swallow? Hmm.
I guess it's because our two-ended digestive system can't exist in this dimension.
I suppose that could be an issue.
I knew it.
I knew he'd get us killed somehow.
As you can see, or rather can't see, but take my word for it, such a digestive system would divide a 2-D being into separate pieces! So how are we supposed to eat and digest? Got it.
Well, since we have no digestive systems here, I guess we'd better get back to the third dimension after all.
Third dimension? I can't picture that! You're dumb.
There's nothing funny about science! If there can be an X-axis and a Y-axis, why not a Z-axis? He's opening our minds to new ideas! Kill him! To the ship! Which ship? Leela's! It's safer.
We got to move! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Oh, what's the point of fleeing? Even if we escape from those creatures, we'll still be stuck in this dimension till we starve.
What about a dimensional drift? If it went through the fourth dimension before, maybe here, it'll go through the third dimension! By God, you're right! But to keep us there, I'd need to accelerate to dimensional escape velocity during the drift.
Oh, if only Minx could see that.
Then she'd see me as more than just a father figure.
Two point one dimensions! Two point two! Two point pi! Look, up there! There's some up! The third dimension! Indeed, but we're about to crash into some sort of huge disk! My bowels returned at a bad time! I'd likes to say a few words.
I'm gonna burns them ups.
Oh! We're back, baby! It's been an emotional five minutes, but I guess everything worked out in the end.
Yo, boss, not everything.