Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Stump War

1 All right, Wendell, what's this "kick-butt stunt" - you texted us about? - Oh.
Check it out.
I'm gonna grind down the bumps on my board, ollie off the launch, and do a 360 fishbone double jackknife.
Looks like you're gonna just roll down the stairs.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Once I perfect it, I'm gonna do it in front of the whole town at the Battle of the Stump celebration.
Speaking of that dumb stump battle, did you guys finish your history projects for Mr.
Funkus? Oh, yeah.
I made a diorama.
That's not a diorama.
It's a shoe box with a dead bird in it.
What does that have to do with the Battle of the Stump? They had dead birds back then.
Read a book, dude.
Well, I did an oil painting that depicts in vivid detail our town's noble victory over Yuba.
You just painted the canvas gray.
It was a very foggy morning.
Well, I brought a piece of bark.
From the actual stump on Stump Hill? Sure.
Let's go with that.
At least everyone in the class will get the same grade since we all just phoned it in.
The worst is when one kid ruins it for the rest of us by putting in extra effort.
[music plays] [rapping] # An argument was brewin' back in 1866 # The Yubans and the Reddies got all up in the mix The fight got heated, and the dirty Yubans cheated And when the smoke cleared, our rivals were defeated When we took the Yubans down, I could feel my heart jump 'Cause Redwood was victorious at the Battle of the Stump Yeah [all cheering] There's always one.
Nobody likes an attention hog, Franklin.
Hey, everybody, look at me.
I'm about to do my stunt.
Too long.
" Too short.
" Has cute mom.
" [screaming] [title music] Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 2x06 - The Stump War Gamer's Guide I hope you're happy.
Look what you gamers did to me! This is all your fault! Our fault? What did we do? Wendell said it was your skateboard.
You devised the stunt, and you, you dared him to do it.
Hey, when a Ruckus goes down, we take everybody with us.
It's just what we do.
This weekend, I was supposed to sell my warm salted nuts at the town's 150th anniversary of the Battle of the Stump.
Otherwise known as the saskoot the sasa Sesquicentennial? [stammering] Sesquicentennial.
[stammering] - Sesquicentennial.
- I got it, nerd! Anyway, I was hoping to make enough money to move out of my parents' basement.
Mom won't let me crank the tunes.
What do nuts have to do with the Battle of the Stump? Plenty.
They were battling over a stump.
That's nuts! And as long as I look like this, I can't make them or sell them.
So you are working the booth for me.
Are you pointing at us or that globe? - Yes, I'm pointing at you.
- [glass shatters] [car alarm blaring] Don't just sit there.
Go out in the parking lot and get my shoe.
Get your nuts.
Get your warm, salted stump nuts.
This is ridiculous.
No one wants these nasty things.
No wonder.
It says, "This bag of nuts contains no nuts.
" But it does contain several ingredients that are known to cause diarrhea in rats.
Okay, I still don't get why we're celebrating the town winning a tiny hill with a rotten old stump on it.
Because it's the only time Redwood City ever beat Yuba at anything.
It's not so much that Stump Hill belongs to us.
What's really important is that it doesn't belong - to those dirty Yubans.
- Yeah! You know, my great-great uncle was in the Battle of the Stump.
He was taken hostage by the Yubans, and within an hour, he was free.
Why? Did he find a way to escape Nope.
He gave up every secret he knew.
Ow! - Was that a golf ball? - MAN: Fore! Oh, no.
Here come Yubans.
Have you guys seen a golf ball? Like, ever? It's funny because we belong to a country club, and they don't.
Why don't you get out of here, okay? We're celebrating the sesquicentennial of Redwood's victory over Yuba.
By selling stump nuts.
First of all, stump nuts eww! And second of all, Redwood winning the Battle of the Stump, as if! Yuba won.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
What? Yuba didn't win.
It's a known fact that your cowardly general made a surrender flag out of his underpants.
He wasn't surrendering.
He was drying them out 'cause he peed his pants.
So there.
Redwood won that battle.
So Stump Hill belongs to Redwood City.
Yuba won the battle.
So Stump Hill belongs to Yuba City.
Got it? Get your dirty Yuban finger outta my face! I'll put my finger wherever I wanna put my finger.
Oh, cheap shot.
Tucker, Preston, get them.
to be fighting on a day of celebration.
ALL: Sorry, Mr.
I'm disappointed in all of you.
ALL: Sorry, Mr.
And such a silly argument.
We all know who won the battle.
- Yuba.
- Redwood.
- How dare you, Dooley? - Aw, bring it, Funkus.
You all should be ashamed of yourselves.
ALL: Sorry, Mayor Landry.
I thought I left behind this kind of petty squabbling when I quit my job as a TV food critic.
Quit? You were fired for slapping a man with his own zucchini.
Be that as it may, the mayor of Yuba and I agree that this sort of behavior is totally unacceptable.
Students and teachers fighting, and over what? We all know that Redwood won that battle.
- Lies! Get him, mayor.
- No, no, no This means war! So, gamers, we went through every history book 2 and newspaper we could find, and a couple of things are clear.
Neither town agrees on who won the Battle of the Stump, and both towns loved a good witch hunt.
So we're gonna redo the battle.
The winning town gets to keep Stump Hill.
Of course, a real war seemed a little excessive, so I pitched an idea based on the game Battle Splat.
We're gonna use high-powered air cannons loaded with paint cartridges.
Ooh! Oh! Guess that's why we're using paint.
Come on, Funkus, you can do this.
You will persevere.
I'm getting a lemonade.
Before I choose which of you will lead us into battle, let's look at your bios.
Conor, you're a high school sophomore who gets average grades and plays video games.
Sergeant Gunnar Stone.
You served four tours of active duty, and received countless medals for your heroic work as something called a Navy SEAL.
Unfortunately, this is a battle for humans, not seals.
Sir, I don't think you quite understand what a Navy SEAL is.
I don't have time to understand things.
I'm the mayor.
Hit the bricks, fish breath.
Congratulations, Conor.
Really? Okay.
Troops, our first order of business I need someone to go over to Yuba and collect intel.
And while you're there, and this is vital to our success, pick up ten pizzas from Puccini's.
Good call.
They have the only decent pie in the county.
When I was a food critic, I gave them my highest recommendation a resounding meh.
We just need to send someone who won't be detected by those stuck-up Yubans.
Someone with perfect hair and makeup.
Someone who will blend in if they wear one of - those designer dresses.
- Fine.
I'll do it.
I was quite obviously talking about Ashley.
That's all right.
I've got a job to finish.
Funkus, I'd be I know how to raise a flag, hon.
You raise it with gusto.
Maybe a little too much gusto.
Thanks, Tony.
Put it on my father's tab.
Yes, Tony.
I need ten large pepperoni pizzas.
- Ten pizzas? - Uh, yes! I just came from the polo fields, and my horse is famished.
Your horse eats pizza? Yeah.
I need that pepperoni for my pony, Tony.
I feel like we've met before.
Were you at my mother's nose reveal party? I was.
When they did the nose toss, I caught the old one.
Wendell? Oh, this pizza smells bomb.
You gotta get up in this 'za.
[gasps] You're eating it with your hands.
Yeah, that's how everybody eats it.
Not in Yuba.
I know you.
You're that stump nut girl from Redwood.
[all gasp] That's right, I am.
And you people are weird.
You don't eat pizza with a fork; you eat it like this.
Ow, that's really hot pizza.
Our intel suggests their troops will move in from this direction.
Good gravy, we're gonna be slaughtered.
Whoo hoo, we're gonna win this thing! Conor, I have some big news.
Wendell is a dirty, backstabbing turncoat snake.
Wait, what's the news? I saw him in Yuba eating pizza with a knife and fork.
[gasping] He was supposed to be guarding the stump.
It gets worse.
I cut through the cemetery on my way back, and saw this.
Oh, my.
Someone carved their name in that poor rock.
It's a tombstone for Wendell's great-great grandmother.
If you say so.
"Here lies Eleanor Ruckus.
Proud Yuban, loving mother, lifelong horse thief.
" BOTH: Wendell is part Yuban.
Hey, what's up, pickle bags? Hey, Wendell.
How was guarding the stump? Oh, it was pretty routine, except when two huge Yubans came up to me and were, like, "Hey, give us the stump," and I was, like, "Yeah, no way, eat stump.
" So I face-slammed one guy and spine-slapped the other, and they were, like, "Whoa! You're totally legit.
" And I was, like, "Yeah, I know.
" - And then the other guy - Wendell! I saw you at the pizza shop.
What? You can't prove that.
You have a garlic knot in your pocket.
Okay, fine.
So I wanted a decent slice of pizza.
That doesn't make me a Yuban.
No, but this does.
Is that my great-great grandmother's tombstone? Yeah, and it says here she's a dirty Yuban, which means you're a dirty Yuban.
I didn't know that.
The only thing I've ever heard about her was she was a kick-butt horse thief.
Wendell, this is the last straw.
First you throw us under the bus with Mr.
Funkus, then you brag about your uncle being a traitor, and now this.
I'm sorry, but I don't think we can trust you anymore.
So what are you saying? I'm saying you're banished from the Redwood Army.
I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to take your patch.
This patch is sewn on really well.
It was hard to send Wendell away, 3 but I had no choice.
When you're at war, there is nothing more important than trust.
Well, except for soldiers.
And weapons.
But after that, you need trust No, after that, you need food.
And water.
And dry socks.
But after that, the most important thing is trust.
Well, maybe clean underpants.
All right, Yubans, we're here to discuss the terms of engagement.
- Where's your general? - Right here.
Hey, you're that Redwood kid who yells a lot.
Why are you leading the Yubans? 'Cause Conor banished me.
And they also gave me this really cool hat.
You're looking at a real ostrich plume, punk.
You always were a backstabbing turncoat.
Oh, flatter me all you want.
You and the town of Redwood are going down.
Ha! Please.
I've played enough Battle Splat with you to know your every move.
I've played enough Battle Splat with you to know your every move.
May the best gamer win.
Anyone hit with paint is out.
And the town with the last man standing wins Stump Hill forever.
Just play by the rules.
Don't worry about me playing by the rules.
- I'm a man of honor.
- [scoffs] Eat paint, hair bag! An empty paint cartridge.
Come on, Chet.
We went over this.
Right after I say I'm a man of honor, Conor turns around, and I nail him in the back.
Yeah, see ya in a few.
Good luck.
Guys, change of plans.
Wendell's their general, which means he gave the Yubans all of our strategies.
Ugh! I can't believe that backstabber stabbed us in the back.
As if that wasn't enough, they gave him a hat with an exquisite plume.
The point is, we're gonna have to switch it up.
You two take the north hill and protect our six, you flank 'em on the left.
- And Ashley.
- Yeah? Looks like you have your own plan, so do that.
All right, let's go get that stump.
Game on.
Spread out.
Yeah! ASHLEY: Cover me.
I'm going in.
I got this! Ready, Ash? WENDELL: Good-bye, Ashley.
It's over, Conor.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Well, well, well.
Looks like we're down to our last Redwoodian.
Get ready for a face full of periwinkle.
What?! It's a shade of blue.
It's somewhere between sapphire and cobalt.
[laughs] It's funny, 'cause he doesn't even know shades of blue.
Put your weapons down.
This one's personal.
It's game over, Conor.
Congrats, Wendell.
You finally beat me.
Just do me a favor.
Make it quick.
What are you waiting for? Finish him.
Give me a second, Chet.
Conor, there's one last thing I need to tell you.
Catch! What's wrong with you? We made you our general.
That was dumb.
I'll just have my dad buy me a new stump.
Good for you.
And BT Dubs, I'm keeping this sweet hat.
Ah, he took the hat! Wendell, all you had to do was shoot me and you'd win.
- Why did you save me? - I don't know.
I just felt like it.
It was just something to do.
See ya.
Wait, wait, wait.
You know what? I owe you an apology, man.
I should've trusted you.
You might have a little bit of Yuban blood in you, but when it mattered, you showed us your true colors.
You, my friend, are not one of them.
You're one of us.
- Come here, you.
- Oh, man, if I'd have known you were gonna get all cheesy on me, I'd have blasted you when I had the chance.
Eat paint, traitor! Franklin, wait, wait, wait.
He won the war for us.
That was a close one.
I thought this puppy was gonna go If you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I'm gonna walk through the nearest car wash.
Good day.
And so, I proudly proclaim Stump Hill property of Redwood once and for all.
And let it be known the Redwood flag will proudly fly here forever! [splat] Aah! Hornets! [hornets buzzing] ASHLEY: I'll get 'em.
You know, I think our ancestors would be proud.
Now they're on your face!