Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Ghost

1 Halloween is gonna be great this year.
You excited to go trick-or-treating? [scoffs] Forget that.
I'm lockin' myself in with Nana and crocheting like no one's watching.
He's not going trick-or-treating 'cause the O'Doyle brothers always steal his candy.
They steal yours, too.
Yeah, but this year, I'm outsmarting them.
All they're gonna get from me is a bag of pre-sucked peanut butter cups.
[slurping] Ahhh! I'm gonna go down to the crafts store 'cause I'm running low on yak yarn.
Fun fact about yak yarn! BOTH: Bye, Franklin.
I'm outta here, dude.
Hey, guys, remember my Great-Aunt Gerty, the one who could talk to spirits from the beyond? Yeah, I remember her.
She claimed to have "the gift.
" But I told her she's just a money-grabbing phony kook.
- She died last week.
- Beautiful woman, wonderful gift.
My dad just sent me her video will.
She left me something.
Ashley darling, I hope you're having a wonderful day.
I'm not, 'cause if you're watching this, it means I'm dead.
All right, quit yappin', Gerty.
How much are you leavin' us? I got an X Station to buy.
Beautiful woman, wonderful gift.
As you know, my skills as a spiritual medium have made me a lot of money over the years.
So I've decided to leave you all of my fortune [gasping] CONOR: What?! [slurps loudly] telling equipment.
[all groaning] It should be arriving right about Come on, Ashley.
You really think your aunt now.
[thud] Yes.
Yes, I do.
Also, I have a special surprise for your friend Wendell.
Me? Yes, you.
Lean in, bubby, it's a secret.
Little more.
Little more.
[skeleton shrieks] Oh, no! No! [title music] Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 2x09 - The Ghost Gamer's Guide So why'd your Aunt Gerty leave you all her equipment? Because she always believed I had the gift, too.
Oh, yeah.
What am I thinking right now? That Gerty was a nut job, and this is all just a big pile of garbage.
Sweet baby walnut, she's got the gift! [cell phone chimes] I got volleyball practice.
You guys mind watching this stuff for a couple of hours? Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
And don't you guys get any ideas like pretending to be mediums to make money.
[cash register jingles] And in your future, you will become a professional basketball player.
How does he do it? Another satisfied customer.
Who will be next? All right.
Hey, Conor.
Wendell.
If you really are a psychic, let's see if you can help me talk to a loved one who's passed to the beyond.
Of course.
I'm sensing it's your fa - Mo - Cat.
Cat, who had a father and a mother.
[shocked gasp] Wait, wait.
I'm getting a message from your cat right now.
She says meow.
She used to say that all the time.
You're for real.
How did you do that? Yeah, how did you do that? I've got a problem that maybe you can help me with.
If I paid you, you think you'd be able to get rid of a ghost? [cash register jingles] It's just a decoration, you goober.
If youse guys are plannin' on trick-or-treatin' anywhere in Redwood, you're gonna be givin' us your candy.
Or you're gonna have to deal with this.
Wait.
Why are we supposed to be scared of your costumes? They ain't costumes, you little nose pickers.
These are our official Mondale High wrestling slinglets.
Slingslits.
Slingalits.
Are you trying to say singlet? No.
Just trying to say uniform.
The point is, if you don't give us your candy, you're gonna be sorry.
I already made my point, Royal.
You didn't have to break the skeleton.
Go! They're gone, Franklin.
You can stop hiding.
I was not hiding.
I just didn't want them to see me.
Well, that's it.
We're never celebrating Halloween again.
Wait.
You can't just give up, Eva.
Why not? You did.
Come on, Henry.
I guess we'll just go to the park and get some exercise.
Exercise?! No, I am not gonna let that happen.
I'm sick of those two ruining Halloween for everyone.
In fact, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna stand up to the O'Doyles for all the wusses of Redwood, 'cause I'm done being scared.
Now here's the $100.
Oh, and there's something you should know.
Sometimes I'm in here late at night, and I hear moaning and I smell the stench of death coming through this wall.
[beeping] Could be Coach Wilson using the bathroom in the teachers' lounge.
It's a good thing you hired us.
These readings are off the charts.
Is there a ghost? Oh, there's a ghost, all right.
And he is not happy.
Why not? Because he spends his entire existence alone and miserable stuck in a school library.
Then how do we know Janice isn't a ghost, too? I'm getting out of here.
Just make sure that ghost doesn't touch my Aloha Kitty mug.
[mug shatters] Darn ghost.
All right, Wendell, we gotta make this look legit.
So let's carefully take everything out of the trunk.
Dude, be careful.
Do you know what Ashley would say if she saw you doing that? ASHLEY: What are you two jerks doing with my aunt's stuff? Hey, that's a pretty good Ashley.
Although I think she's a little whinier.
Shut it, you toolbox.
Yeah, that's it.
She's got it.
These aren't toys.
They're powerful tools of the paranormal.
Oh, come on, Ashley.
They're all just props for your aunt's fake shows.
"Do not open.
Ghost inside"? It's a pickle jar.
Ooh, baby, feels good to get out of there and stretch the old neck-a-roonie.
Ha-ha! Whoo! [shrieking] I don't know who you are, but you're freakin' us out! You're just sayin' that.
The name's Jasper [spits] Cornelius Wadsworth the Third.
Ooh! Oh.
We're in a library.
Best to keep it down.
[inhales] Shhh!! I heard some noise.
Is everything[shrieks] I'd love to stick around, but I haven't peed in decades.
Wendell, I think I'm gonna faint.
[thud] She called it.
Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu.
Dump all the loot on the table.
That's it.
Hey, all of it.
Nice.
Go.
Excuse me.
Mr.
and Mr.
O'Doyle.
Franklin, we didn't expect to see you out on another All Hallow's Eve.
Well, I wanted to make a deal.
See if you leave all the kids alone this year, all this could be yours.
King-size confectionaries? Briefcase not included.
It was a gift.
- Fun fact about brief - Bye, Franklin.
I already skedaddled him, Royal.
The little extra hand sweep is just wasted energy.
Put your hands in your pockets.
I knew the library had a ghost.
That means he's been watching me doing lunchtime yoga in my unitard.
If that's true, he's a lot more scared of you than you are of him.
Look, Janice, this is a crazy situation, but there's one thing we cannot lose sight of.
You paid for our services up front, and there are absolutely no refunds.
Now get out.
This is all your fault.
I told you this stuff was real.
I wish we could talk to Aunt Gerty.
I always knew that phony old kook was legit.
Maybe we can.
Uh, sure, there's one little problem.
She's kinda dead.
I know.
But I have her crystal ball.
Aunt Gerty, it's Ashley.
I'm calling from America.
If you can get through, see if she can ask my Uncle Ed where he left his motorcycle keys.
Hey, maybe there's some sort of spell in this book.
Yeah, I think I saw her do this once.
"Advice from beyond is what I seek.
With my Aunt Gerty I wish to speak.
Too sha-nook gamba.
" I don't think it worked.
I guess I don't have the gift.
[Gerty's voice] I wouldn't be so sure, darling.
- Gerty? - I was aimin' for the ball, but I landed in the boy.
Eh, what do you want from me? I'm dead.
BOTH: Franklin! Hey, guys.
Come to thank me for the best Halloween ever? BOTH: No! The O'Doyles took all our candy, and made us wrestle.
They gave me a half Nelson.
I got the other half.
Then they ripped the spider right off of Henry's Spider Guy costume.
Now I'm just Guy.
Well, the good news is, we've got plenty of other holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas.
Come on, Franklin the Fearless.
It's time to get those jerks back in their place again.
Uh, Presidents Day, Memorial Day.
Arbor Day's always a hoot.
Aunt Gerty.
Ashley, my favorite niece.
Come, give your Aunt Gerty some sugar.
Uh, I would, but that would be super awkward.
Look, we have a desperate situation.
We released a really freaky ghost.
Eh, don't overreact, bubby.
Most ghosts aren't that bad.
His name is Jasper.
Oh, he's bad.
Very bad.
You kids really messed up on this one.
What makes him so bad? He's a thousand-year-old demon clown who wants nothing more than to raise a ghost army to take over the living world! It's kind of his thing.
- So how do we stop him? - With these.
Those are 300-volt paranormal plasma blasters with inter-dimensional trapping capabilities.
BOTH: What? They're ghost suckers, hon.
[owl hooting] Samuel, meet Prescott.
You're both dead.
Paul, need a pallbearer? [howling] [normal voice] All right, guys never thought I'd say this, but it's time to take down an evil ghost clown who's raising an army of the dead to take over the world.
- Any last words? - I'd just like to say if things start going bad, I would gladly pledge my allegiance to Jasper's ghost army! - Wendell.
- It's called covering your bases.
I'm a Ruckus; it's just what we do.
Let's do this.
Game on.
Round one! CONOR: Let's get 'em.
WENDELL: Eat plasma, dirt bag.
Round two! CONOR: There's one.
Ash, I need help.
ASHLEY: Got him.
Round three.
You think that's the end of me? I shall just find myself another cemetery.
This place is dead anyways.
Get him! Pretty good haul this year, eh, Royal? You don't have to give a thumbs up if you're already nodding.
It's called redundancy, and I hate it.
Teacher Appreciation Day.
Grilled Cheese Day.
I really like Flag Day.
Look who it is.
You guys come back here to give us some more candy? Well, fork it over, pit sniffers.
We're not here to give you candy.
We're here because Franklin said he's gonna kick your butt.
I don't think that's exactly what I said.
I just wanted to chat, more than anything.
Now where is that dang cemetery? Let me tell you something, tough guy.
You know what the scariest part about Halloween is? It's not the ghosts or the goblins.
It's me and my brother.
Oh, really? We'll just see about that.
Hey, get up.
I'm talking to you, little baby.
[Jasper's voice] Oh, little baby's got gas.
[ferocious belch] Let's skedaddle! Franklin, that was amazing.
How'd you do that? I What did I do exactly? You scared off the O'Doyles.
You got everyone's candy back! Come on, everyone, the O'Doyles are gone! [kids cheering] Well, uh, no one's claiming this one.
I'll take it.
Oh, man, this peanut butter cup is pre-sucked.
Left on Maple, right on Main oh! There's the cemetery.
Hey, Jasper.
Prepare to eat whatever it is these things shoot.
No, thanks.
I'm full.
Where'd he go? Yeah.
Where did I go? Guess you're gonna have to let me go, or your freckly little friend here will get sent to the great white beyond.
BOTH: Canada? No.
I'm talking about the spirit world.
Ashley.
Take the shot.
What? No.
There has to be another way.
I'm the one who let him out.
Better me than the whole world.
Do it.
- I can't.
- I can.
[gasps] Whoa.
This place is - endless.
[voice echoing] - You're telling me.
It takes forever to vacuum.
Well, get comfortable.
You might be here a couple of centuries.
Good news is, I brought cards.
Now the game I play is a little confusing.
But you'll figure it out in a couple of years.
Now, you start off, and everything's wild! [raucous laughter] [muttering] Ashley? What are you doing here? I came to get you.
Let's hope I really do have the gift.
"Let us depart this ghostly portal to the land where all are mortal.
" Hey, what are you doing here? [reading] Oh, no, not that one! No, no, no! Oh! Gah! Guess it's back to solitaire.
I'll sell you a trunk full of fortune-telling equipment and three ghost suckers for, let's say, uh, fifty bucks.
I did it.
I really do have the gift.
Oh, great, you're back.
'Cause I definitely wasn't gonna sell all your stuff.
I can't believe it worked.
[Gerty's voice] Of course it worked, darling, because you believe in yourself.
Aunt Gerty, we couldn't have done it without you.
Ah! [normal voice] All right, now that we've saved the world, let's go get a smoothie.
Wait a minute.
- Did I just kiss you or Gerty? - I guess we'll never know.
[pretends gasp] Conor.
Conor! Who did I kiss?! Conor! - Hey, guys.
- What do you want? I felt bad that you never got any candy.
So I saved a bag for you.
What?! We don't eat candy.
Then why do you always steal it from kids on Halloween? Oh! 'Cause we care about kids' teeth.
What are you talking about? November 1st, five years ago.
I missed the junior wrestling championship because I was stuck in a dentist's office dealing with the worst cavity known to man.
So Halloween candy rotted a hole through your tooth! And through my dreams.
[sobbing] Get off me, Royal! Well, you only get cavities when you eat way too much candy.
I'm sure one gollywomper wouldn't hurt anyone.
[cracking sound] Ow! Oh.
Yeah, Dr.
Shapiro.
We got a fractured lower right bicuspid.
We're comin'.
I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!