Gilmore Girls s04e21 Episode Script
Last Week Fights, This Week Tights
No, boys.
You go clockwise! - Clockwise! Can't you tell time?|- The other way, boys! - They're not getting it, Miss Patty.
|- The wedding's tomorrow.
We gotta get it.
It's the Banyon boys.
|They won't do what I tell them.
Nice maypole, Patty! Really organized! - Oh, shut up, Kirk!|- Tough day, Patty? I've worked with Joan Crawford.
|This is worse.
I don't call that a maypole.
I'd call that a "maybe-not pole.
" What's with him? He's mad because I made Chrissy|my dance captain over him.
- Kirk has 43 jobs.
|- Would you go talk to him, please? - I got my hands full here.
|- The Banyon boys? Lucifer tired of them in Hell|and dumped them here.
- I'll talk to Kirk.
|- Thank you.
All right, Chrissy, let's give it another go! Kirk, maybe you want|to ease up on Patty a little.
But the maypole is an expertise of mine! I reenacted the dwarf's|maypole choreography from the "Safety Dance" video,|my junior-high talent show.
Chicks were falling at my feet.
I'm less than impressed, Patty! Take a break, please.
|I've seen Miss Patty get violent.
- It's not pretty.
Remember that time?|- That's when she beat me up.
- Yeah.
Let's not repeat that.
|- Okay.
- They're the best I've got.
|- That's sad for you and the whole vegetable industry.
They're the best in the state.
|I stand by them.
- They're puny.
They're tasteless.
|- Puny? These are not puny.
If they're small enough to shove up|our son's nose, they're too small! No way could you shove one of these|up Davey's nose.
- Bet you five bucks.
|- Get him in here! You probably shouldn't shove|a radish up your son's nose.
Just thinking out loud.
All right, I'll take these|if it's all you've got.
Don't do me any favors.
- You two are back big-time.
|- That actually felt good.
- Like getting a Jack La Lanne workout.
|- Dead or alive? Jack La Lanne? Dead.
No, alive.
- Now that's gonna bug me.
|- Hello? There is so much joy around me,|I'm gonna hurl.
What's wrong? You should see|all the boisterous high-fiving going on all around me.
It's just really sad.
|Hey, do you mind, buddy? - Kids are in party mode, huh?|- "The kids " are clicking their heels|like there's no tomorrow.
And there is no tomorrow|for those who do not have a final on Saturday morning,|such as me.
I'm pathetic.
I should stand between two of them and have them high-five my head|from opposite sides and put me out of my misery.
Just one more final to go,|then you'll be free.
Two more boisterous bozos|just rubbing my face in it.
I do have one thing to run by you.
|Do you have the brain power? - I think I can swing it.
|- It involves the "J" word.
Not more about Jesus.
|I'm sick of him and Mel Gibson.
- Jess.
|- What about him? He's in town for that wedding and I never know where we stand|on the Jess-o-meter.
I was wondering if you want me|to tell you when I see him.
- Sure.
|- Really? - Why not?|- Okay it's just always so weird,|this J-word topic of ours.
You don't have to refer to him|as "the J word.
" Call him Jess, and feel free to tell me|when you see him.
I mean, if you see him|eight times in one day you don't need to call me|eight times to tell me.
- That's clearly overkill.
|- Sure.
You could limit the reports|to just significant sightings.
If you see him 100 yards away,|disappearing around a corner I really don't need to know that.
If he comes up to you|and spits in your face, report that.
- Permission to spit back?|- You know what I'm saying.
I know what you're saying.
|You know what I should do? Run up, tell him I love him,|then run away really fast.
- A taste of his own medicine.
|- No! Don't do anything out of the ordinary.
I won't.
Honey, I'm kidding.
- There's a horse in the dining room.
|- What? - Cletus is in the dining room.
|- Why? He heard about the terrific|continental breakfast.
I don't know.
I gotta go look at this.
Okay.
Bye.
Cletus, honey! Lorelai, I need your signature|on this, please.
- Michel?|- Yes? Do you see the big-nostriled thing|next to me here? - The horse?|- Yes, the horse.
- It's been here for 20 minutes.
|- What were you doing about it? - Nothing.
|- Nothing? It's a giant, smelly horse.
I figured someone was already|taking care of it.
- He's alive!|- Who? Jack La Lanne.
I just Googled him.
- Hi, Cletus.
|- So you already saw the horse? Yeah.
Sure, he's been here,|what, 20, 30 minutes? - About 25.
|- Okay.
New Dragonfly Inn rule.
|Everyone listening? Okay, if you see a horse in the inn or any other large quadruped or biped|or anything that's not What's the word? Human figure no one's doing anything about it,|and do something.
- Fine with me.
|- Yeah, same here.
If we had the rule before,|I would have done something.
Okay.
Great.
Thanks.
Bye.
Come on, troublemaker.
- Hitting the road, Glenn?|- Yeah, and I got a hot date tonight.
Who's the lucky girl? I'm getting back together|with my girl from back home.
- Want to see her picture?|- Sure.
Glen, this girl is, like, 12 years old.
It's her when she was little.
|Don't make this into something dirty! - She drives and everything.
|- Have a good summer, Glenn.
Rory, perfect timing.
|I want you to meet somebody.
- This is my boyfriend, Chester Fleet.
|- Hi, Chester.
I've heard a lot about you.
You can't believe everything you hear.
It's kind of a weird day to meet him|because he lost a bet with me and that means that for the entire day|he can only talk in clichés.
- It's so much fun.
|- Sounds it.
- It's always fun till someone gets hurt.
|- I'm leaving, guys.
- Rory, you get yourself a funky monkey.
|- What? Everyone poured all their alcohol|into a bowl.
That's what's in the cups.
- Tastes gross, but does the trick.
|- I stashed one in the fridge for you.
It was poured for me,|but I'm not having one.
Lips that touch wine|shall never touch mine.
- So much fun!|- Well, I guess this is goodbye.
- See you, Rory.
Have a good one.
|- Bye, Janet.
Janet, wait! I hate that our little clique is breaking up.
|It's so the end of something.
- You off your meds, Paris?|- You never get emotional at goodbyes? With people I like.
- See you.
|- Keep in touch.
So I made a collage of photos|of people in the building and I'm having everyone sign.
|Will you two do me the honor? - Sure.
I'll honor you.
|- Isn't it a great keepsake? There's Janet with her boyfriend,|and Lana with hers.
That's Mark and Stacy,|they're inseparable.
- And there's one of you, Rory.
|- That's me.
Janet and her boyfriend again,|and me with Chester.
- You're the apple of my eye.
|- That's getting annoying now, Chester.
And there you are again, Rory, with That's a lamppost.
Here's a bunch of couples from|Valentine's Day.
You aren't in that one.
And here you are|with all the cafeteria ladies.
- I can make you a copy of that if you'd like.
|- That's okay.
Rory, you've had quite the dry spell|this year.
- I have not had a dry spell.
|- There's not one picture of you with a guy.
No, there's one, see? - That's Rory with the statue of Eli Yale.
|- People are gonna talk.
I don't care what people say.
Are people talking? Not that I've heard.
|You just don't get out enough.
All work and no play makes Jack - Say goodbye before you leave?|- Will do.
Since when are you someone|who defines a girl by whether or not she's with a guy? You embarrassed me in front|of Tanna and Chester.
Please.
Before you got here|they were singing "The Lumberjack Song " at the top of their lungs.
|They're embarrassment-proof.
Here.
What's this? - Leonard Fleming?|- Asher's son.
Good-looking, runs a mutual fund,|newly divorced, and on the hunt.
- I don't think so.
|- The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
He is one hot apple, juicy to the core.
I got it.
Nice, hot apple.
- I just want you to be happy.
|- Don't feel sorry for me.
I'm fine.
I don't want you to have|a long, dry summer.
- Please stop talking about my love life.
|- Fine.
Wish me a merry trip to jolly old England.
Have a merry trip.
If you call Leonard|and one of his kids answers, hang up.
They still think Mommy's coming back.
- Hey, Miss Kim.
|- Hello, Lorelai.
- What can I do for you?|- Do you still have the big door knockers metal with the chipped red paint? You're a magician.
Do you know that? - It's great, isn't it? Big.
|- And good price seeing as how it may have belonged|to James Madison.
It was commonly known|that James Madison liked big knockers.
I bet a lot of the Founding Fathers|liked big knockers.
I'm sorry for laughing.
I'd explain if I could.
I've been in this country 20 years.
|I get things.
I never doubted.
- It's $90.
|- I'll take it.
- Here.
|- What's this? Mail for Lane.
|I know you go to Luke's, where she works.
If you could pass this on to her,|I'd appreciate it.
Mrs.
Kim, hasn't this|gone on long enough? - Not for you to say.
|- She's your only child.
I know you miss her.
She misses you.
Call her.
See her.
Don't avoid her.
- This is between me and my daughter.
|- As your mailman, I hereby resign.
Fine.
It comes to $140.
- You said $90.
|- Wrapping charge.
And it's not just guys.
Girls are not supposed|to be monogamous, either.
- We're "homo sapiens," not rocks.
|- That's so unromantic.
You can say that.
You got lucky.
- Yeah, T.
J.
is yum-yum!|- I did get lucky, didn't I? We're animals, and animals in the wild|don't mate for life except, like, tigers, but they're retarded.
- Hey, Liz.
|- Men are good for two things.
Make that one, and the one thing|they're not that good at.
Excuse me, sorry to break up|the festivities but do you have any idea|if I'm doing this right? Most guys don't know|if they're doing it right.
Not my expertise, bro,|but they smell good, if that helps.
There should have been|an instruction book of some kind.
I'm so sorry this got dumped on you but the turkey-leg guy knew|that going into that bar violated his parole.
|But you can't reason with them.
Is this how turkey legs|are supposed to look? I don't know.
|Take off your pants and let us see.
Weren't you guys going to a spa|or something? - Yeah, we're going, right?|- In a minute.
I need to get some batteries.
I'll be back.
Jess! Come over here|and meet my oldest friends.
- Watch the one on the left.
|- Thanks.
Girls, this is Jess.
- Hello, handsome.
|- Hi.
He's gonna walk me down the aisle.
|Is that cool or what? - It's no big deal.
|- It's a very big deal.
Can I help you? - Got a package here.
|- From who? I'm not expecting anything.
It's a very important package.
But there's no address on it.
- Have fun.
|- Have fun with what? - This package is for Liz Danes.
|- That's me.
Do you accept delivery? I guess.
- Shake it, doll, shake it!|- No, don't shake it in here.
Luke, we need change!|Turn these twenties into ones! - I don't believe this, you rats!|- Earn your money for mama! Nail-polish remover, $1.
40.
Ladies' Speed Stick, $2.
60.
Good choice on that one.
|Keeps you dry all day and into the night.
Jasmine body lotion, nice price on that.
- Might want to get a couple.
|- It's for my wife.
And, with your emery boards,|it comes to $19.
67.
Keep the change.
I'm so sorry you have a final tomorrow.
|I thought you'd be free as a bird tonight.
Them's the breaks.
You could have stayed at school|and studied if you had to, you know.
You're playing different music.
The music, it's different.
|Some chick is singing.
It's Blossom Dearie.
You don't like it? No, I like it fine.
|You've just never played it.
You and Dad always play classical music.
We just thought we'd try|something new tonight.
- "We"?|- He's out of town but you know what I mean.
We talked about changing the music.
So when will you be done|with your final tomorrow? Around noon,|depending on how fast I write.
Any friends left behind|to keep you company? Girlfriends, boyfriends? My roommates are all gone,|and I'd say 95% of the class has vamoosed.
- And you don't have a boyfriend?|- Not really.
Why, do you? I'm making a joke.
I was just wondering.
We haven't talked|about your love life in a while.
- I get to ask sometimes, don't I?|- Sure.
- Where'd you say Dad was?|- In Philadelphia.
Thanks, Mom.
Philadelphia, huh? Funny, you didn't mention that earlier.
|You just said he wouldn't be here.
What do you want, Lorelai?|For his secretary to fax you his schedule? No, I just want to be kept informed.
A lot of his schedule these days|has to do with Floyd a.
k.
a.
your ex-boyfriend's father.
I didn't know how much detail|you wanted to hear.
I hear you.
Blossom hears you.
|We're good.
- So you'll be a free girl around noon?|- Around then.
I just want to be thinking about you|right at that moment when the weight is lifting|off your shoulders.
- I'll be looking forward to it.
|- I'll be right back.
I'm going to see if Kiki|put the raspberry soufflés in.
- Dad hates raspberries.
|- No, he doesn't.
Sorry, thought he did.
Sorry.
What is going on here? I'm trying to get her to fess up|to the separation.
No, me! Am I cloaked|in loneliness or something? Everybody has been pestering me|about my love life this week.
That was not about you.
|It was about evading my questions.
It's a classic Sun Tzu "Art of War" maneuver: If you're being attacked from the east attack whoever's to your west.
|And you were the west.
Never read it, but it's full of crap like that.
Stop attacking her|so she'll stop attacking me.
You butted into my line of inquiry|with your "he's in Philadelphia" stuff.
She was about ready to crack.
No, she was ready to say,|"he's in Philadelphia.
" Did he sound like he was there|when he called? You mean, did I hear guys saying,|"Get your Philly cheese steak here"? - Why aren't you seeing anybody?|- I'm gonna throw a roll at you.
I just gotta know|what's going on with them.
They're having some sort|of marital difficulty, Mom and pressuring her like this|is not going to help.
But I'm dying here! If he's out of town,|is she actually staying here instead of that hotel she checked into or is she staying here permanently,|and he's the one who's at a hotel? Or Thank God, I checked,|or we would have been soufflé-less.
- Good.
Gotta have that soufflé.
|- So, where were we? We were all about to switch|to new subjects.
Okay.
Dad hates Chicken Kiev, doesn't he? Who called Groton? - I didn't.
|- Me neither.
Someone in this room called|someone in Groton at 11:37 p.
m.
on the 16th,|and it wasn't me.
That was the night you had|those two trampy girls over, Zach.
- They weren't trampy.
|- I heard one of them call her boyfriend and brag that she had scored|some sucker beer.
I'll pay for Groton.
Does that doorbell run on electricity? Because that's eating up money, too.
|We have to tell people to knock.
- Aunt Jun.
|- I'm here on your mother's behalf.
- She would like to visit.
|- Here? - A social call.
|- When? There are three times|she can come this week.
If none are convenient,|she will offer three more.
If those are not good,|she will rescind the offer.
Does this sound reasonable? - Very.
|- Fine.
- She bringing a bible?|- She didn't say.
- Here's your mail.
|- Thank you.
- Would you like to come in?|- No.
Rory? - Grandma, hi.
|- You busy? No, I was just packing|and having a little lemonade here.
- You're done with your final, right?|- Yes.
What are you doing here? I had lunch today on campus|with a friend, Cassie Sullivan.
She's with the Alumni Committee.
|Didn't I mention it last night? Not that I remember.
Anyway, she has a son|who's a freshman also.
- Graham Sullivan.
You haven't met him?|- I don't think so.
- Would you like to?|- Sure.
- Is now okay?|- Now? Graham! Graham, this is Rory.
Rory, Graham.
- Hi.
|- Hi.
Graham's family and ours go way back.
|I remember this young man in diapers.
He's one of the poor unfortunates|who had a Saturday final, too.
- Chemistry.
|- Philosophy.
I meant to introduce the two of you|ages ago.
I hate that it's last-minute like this.
|I feel awful.
That's okay.
Don't feel bad.
Alcohol, on your breath.
Graham mentioned that he and his group|were going out tonight to celebrate.
What did you call them? - "The Saturday Orphans"?|- Yes, I did.
- And he thought you might like to go.
|- Yeah.
- Would you like to go?|- Sure.
Wonderful! I actually tried|to get your grandmother to go, too but she made up some dumb excuse.
You're something else, you know that?|I feel good about this.
My orphan is an orphan no more.
|I'll go now.
Bye, Rory.
Bye, Grandma.
Okay, lesson number one: When your mom or your grandmother starts trying to pin down|your specific whereabouts at a specific time and place,|and she's smiling kind of weird begin evasive maneuvers immediately.
- Got caught in that one myself.
|- And lesson number two: Never, ever let anybody|outside of your family see you in diapers.
You were young I hope.
- You don't have to do that.
|- I just taped up eight of my own boxes.
- I'm a box-taping machine.
Use me.
|- Thank you.
So the plans for tonight,|they're pretty casual.
There'll be about 10 of us.
|You're totally welcome to come.
I was just gonna go home, but I don't know, maybe.
We're gonna get some food, hang out.
|I'll leave you my cell phone number.
- You got a piece of paper?|- Yeah.
Great.
- Leonard Fleming.
|- Ignore that.
- Maybe I'll see you later.
|- Yeah.
Enjoy your lemonade.
What is wrong with this shoe polish? The fact that Pontius Pilate was alive|when you bought it? - Shoe polish goes bad?|- Look at it.
It's all chunky.
- It messed up my shoes.
|- Just wipe them off.
They'll be fine.
- Don't you have a full-length mirror?|- Don't need one.
You don't like looking at your bottom half?|I love doing that.
I look down to look at my bottom half.
|I don't need a mirror.
You seem nervous.
I'm not nervous.
I don't see why you would be.
|I'm the one getting shackled today.
- Looks like old polish.
|- Yep.
The "Queer Eye" guys|are very against old polish.
- He's very nervous.
|- I'm not nervous! - Maybe it's time you put a shirt on.
|- Why, am I getting you hot? - I need the bathroom.
|- Just hold on.
I am loving these tights.
They're fantastic.
They lend support everywhere|you need it, but they breathe.
- This one.
|- Thanks.
Luke, I had to borrow your deodorant.
|I hope that's okay.
Allow me.
Greetings, my lord.
Your lady hath arrived|to be escorted forthwith.
- I didn't know you spoke Renaissance.
|- I'm quite fluent in Renaissance.
- You look nice.
I'm loving the tie.
|- Thanks.
You look beautiful.
Flattery will get you everywhere,|my friend.
- Shall we?|- Let's go.
A nice, manly wreath in your hair|wouldn't work? - There's no such thing as a manly wreath.
|- I don't know.
Julius Caesar pulled it off.
He was very popular with the ladies.
Cleopatra used to pull his leaves off,|very sexy.
What's this? Surely these be time travelers|from the future in such foreign, mystical garb.
- And who be you, kind sir?|- T.
J.
's brother.
I got a patio-furniture store|down in Nutley.
Plastic, metal, teak.
Whatever you need,|I can hook you up.
- Okay, thank you.
|- Just do me a favor.
I'm gonna try to keep a happy,|proud look on my face to cover the smirking-|and-about-to-laugh-my-ass-off face just underneath.
Help me achieve this.
Come on! They have a community|of people, of friends, you know who travel together,|engage in silliness, dress in costume.
- I think it's nice.
|- Hi, Lucas.
Hi, Carrie.
- Is that a power suit?|- It's my only suit.
Looks pretty powerful to me.
- So Barry stayed home.
|- Who? The ball and chain.
I'm flying solo tonight.
- Save a dance for me?|- I don't dance.
You will dance.
How about we work on him together? I think there's a hoofer buried|deep inside there, don't you? - I guess.
|- Carrie, this is Lorelai.
- I know.
Hi.
|- Hi.
So there's gonna be a little delay.
Liz ripped her dress,|and it's gonna take a while to fix it.
I'm supposed to spread the message.
Well, spread it, Carrie.
The message! The message.
- She makes me very uncomfortable.
|- Poor Liz.
- Does she know how to fix her dress?|- She was never one for household skills.
- I'm gonna go see.
She's at Miss Patty's?|- Don't leave me alone.
Carrie found the guy with the codpiece.
|That will keep her occupied.
Hurry back.
Lorelai, thank heavens.
|I'm so bad with wardrobe.
I ripped it getting up.
I'm such a klutz.
That's why I'm here.
|Patty, you have a sewing kit? - Right here, sweetie.
|- I'm holding everyone up.
No, today's your day.
If anyone gets|to hold things up, it's you.
Relax.
I'm nervous.
Do I look nervous?|I sound nervous.
You look great.
It's normal to be nervous|on your wedding day.
This is my first wedding of mine|that I've ever been sober for.
I'm probably gonna remember this one.
The ones that you remember|are the ones that stick.
What was your wedding like?|Were you this nervous? - Never been married.
|- You got a kid! - Found a way around that.
|- I see.
You wanna get married? It's inappropriate to propose to me|on your wedding day.
But do you want to get married?|You must want to get married.
I guess so, you know,|if I meet the right guy.
I hate being single.
Ever think, if you got married today,|or even in the next few years you could be married for 50 years.
|For most of your life.
Same with me and T.
J.
|I could be married most of my life to him.
- Isn't that weird to think about?|- I could be married for most of my life.
I don't want to screw up this marriage|even more than I want some pot.
That's how serious I am.
Are you ready?|The crowd's getting restless.
You're getting restless.
|Do you two know each other? Jess and I go way back.
|He dated my daughter.
You broke her daughter's heart? - I|- No he didn't.
It just didn't work out.
Good, 'cause I don't want him|to be like his father, breaking hearts.
I want him to be like T.
J.
|Or my second husband.
Or like my boyfriend|after my third husband, who died.
- They were good guys.
|- You're all done.
It's perfect! She's a miracle worker.
- I'm gonna go tell the others.
|- Thanks, hon! And thank you.
You're gonna make|a great wife someday and a great sister-in-law|to some very lucky girl.
- I hope so.
|- Now, go on, Luke's waiting.
Unless my friend Carrie|suffocated him with her boobs.
- That would be festive.
Here, Patty.
|- Let's check your hair real quick, sweetie.
Okay.
You look absolutely beautiful.
- Everything okay?|- Crisis averted.
- Must be starting.
|- Think they know any Zeppelin? - Roses, nice.
|- Does she remind you of someone? Can you say "Leslie Van Houten"? - Now, that's impressive.
|- Yeah.
These tights, I'm telling you,|they're the best.
I'm happy, my boys are happy,|and they don't ride up.
Still dry.
Thanks, buddy.
- You dried his armpits?|- I don't want to talk about it.
I want one of those.
- She looks happy.
|- Yeah, she does.
- She looks hot.
|- Smoking.
Don't you say that.
Where's the minister? Help.
- Think of something not funny.
|- Can't.
You may plant the ceremonial sword.
- Avalanches.
Earthquakes.
|- Not doing it.
- Famine, and I'm out.
|- Hello, friends.
Isn't it a beautiful day? The day that Liz and T.
J.
share their love in front of those they love.
- Liz, do you want to tell T.
J.
how you feel?|- Yes.
- T.
J.
|- Yeah? My heart just pours out to you.
You have been so good to me and for me.
I don't know where I'd be without you.
|I'd be worse off, I know that.
You're something else.
Nice.
T.
J.
I wrote something down but, for all the good points about tights,|and there are a lot they don't have pockets.
So I gotta go off the cuff.
I love you.
- That wasn't so funny.
|- That wasn't funny at all.
- Hi, Mama.
|- Hello, Lane.
Thank you for having me.
- You find the place okay?|- Yes.
Here.
Multi-grain soy pudding.
Extra chunky, the way you like it.
- I bet we'll all like it.
|- We? Come in, Mama.
Mama, these are my roommates,|Zach and Brian.
- Hello, Mrs.
Kim.
|- Welcome.
There's no way I could afford a place|on my own, so we live together.
We share all the expenses,|and a bathroom.
That's unfortunate,|but we're starving artists, Mama.
These are my band mates.
|Zach, would you make us some tea? - I'd be delighted.
|- I'll get the cups.
How about a tour?|This is the living room, obviously.
That's where Zach and Brian sleep.
A solid eight hours every night.
This is my room.
Window's broken, but the landlord's on it.
|Kitchen, refrigerator Would you like to pick a tea?|We have a whole selection.
Lapsang oolong, orange pekoe,|Sleepy Time? Harry, they've got turkey legs! I was born 400 years too late.
|I mean, this food is amazing.
- Here's a couple of seats.
|- Okay.
- There were boys.
|- What? Where? - At Lane's.
Two boys, one with hair.
|- Okay, you went to Lane's? And the place.
Broken furniture,|and dirt, and boys - and a broken window, and boys|- Slow down.
and a tiny fridge, and guitars, and boys- - How many boys were there?|- Two boys.
She stood in that room with two boys.
I didn't stand alone in a room|with two boys until I was I've never done that.
Mrs.
Kim, you know|why the boys were there.
- She's dirty.
|- She's not dirty.
She was trying to be up front with you,|and that's good.
She could have hid them from you,|and she didn't.
- I wish she did.
|- No, you don't.
I've met those boys.
They're innocent.
As innocent as if she was living|with two girls.
- So think of them that way.
|- What way? Think of them as girls.
- Girls?|- Girls.
- I don't like girls, either.
|- You like them better than boys.
- True.
|- And Lane is trying so hard.
Girls.
Yeah, think of them|as two tall, gawky, caring sometimes unwashed girls who are watching out|for your daughter's safety.
Girls.
- Is she okay?|- She will be.
She'll be okay.
Look.
Jess made a friend.
People think prison's a waste of time but prison's the best thing|ever happened to me.
- Interesting.
|- Picked up skills.
Metal working, laundry, that's a skill.
Doing laundry for 600 guys,|no piece of cake.
- Great.
|- Added fabric softener for cigarettes.
- Career guidance?|- He's doing better.
He's gonna be okay.
Hey, Jimmy Ray, glad you made it.
It's like a marketing thing.
|Don't call them tights.
Guys don't want to wear tights.
Call them air pants.
Here's your slogan,|"Air pants.
The pants that breathe.
" I'm telling you, we gotta get in|on the ground floor of this.
There they are, my two heroes.
- You saved the wedding.
|- I saved nothing.
And you're always my hero,|my big brother.
- Congratulations, Sis.
|- Wasn't Jess great? It made all the difference.
It wasn't like it was a hard thing to do,|but he did it good.
- You say goodbye before you leave.
|- I'm just going to get more food.
- You promise?|- I promise.
Come on, let's get some chow.
- Okay.
Bye, guys.
|- See you.
- She's so happy.
|- Yeah, and he really loves tights.
You want to know something weird? What? When I was at Miss Patty's,|Jess was there and he had his backpack, and it was open,|and I saw this book.
- I thought I was seeing things.
|- A book? Yes.
It was a self-help book,|with some goofy title like "Learn to Love"|or "How to Love when You're Unloved " or something like that.
- Isn't that bizarre?|- I don't know.
I'll answer for you: It is bizarre.
Maybe he's just trying to learn something,|better himself.
- Have you seen this book?|- I know nothing about this book.
- Those kinds of books are idiotic.
|- Not if they help people.
I can't believe|you're not mocking this book which is so pathetically mockable.
Maybe it's more pathetic|if people don't try.
And maybe he's trying.
|You ever think of that? - No, but-|- He can read whatever he wants to read.
I forgot to get something to drink.
|Need anything? - I'm fine.
|- Okay.
No way! Duke is gonna dominate|the A.
C.
C.
again.
- No way.
|- Williams? Redick? Graham, Redick has a 96%|free-throw average.
- It's a done deal.
|- Carolina is coming back.
No question.
Question! What is that?|Your patented five-beer comeback? Seven free throws, man.
|All season, seven.
That's it.
- You're not drinking.
|- I'm fine.
- So you only drink alone?|- Pardon me? - The lemonade?|- That was just a roommate thing.
- I don't usually drink.
|- Pity.
You want to get back to your group? Not if it's suddenly|gonna get exciting over here.
- I wouldn't count on it.
|- You have got to lighten up.
That's one of my favorite phrases.
- That's a sign, boys.
|- Mucky duck? Mucky duck! Let's go.
- We just got here.
|- What's a pub crawl without the crawl? Who's got my keys? He's driving? He's one of the best drunk drivers|in Connecticut.
Top 50, easy.
You ready? Actually, I just think I'm gonna take off.
- What?|- Yeah, I'm kind of tired.
- Rory!|- Thanks for everything.
Well, do you want me to drive you home? - We came here with Jonah.
|- Right.
You need money for a cab? - I got money.
|- I feel kind of bad.
Don't.
Okay.
See you later.
Bye.
Putz.
Excuse me, is there an ATM here? A few blocks down.
|I wouldn't walk, though.
It gets dicey at night.
Hi, it's me.
I'm kind of stuck|and I didn't know who else to call.
Okay, it looks like Brian's|paying for call waiting for the next two months.
- It's not over till it's over.
|- Lane, door! I'll throw in my share of next month's|gas bill, I'm that confident.
You're gonna eat your confidence.
- Mama.
|- I'm back.
- Pause it!|- Come in.
This, we'll clean up.
Window will be fixed.
|Temporary fridge.
You two are girls.
I'll have tea now.
- I'll boil water.
|- I'll bring you our selection.
Hope ye took much pleasure|in Kajagoogoo.
Methinks Oingo Boingo willst|soon makest an appearance.
But first, please clear the floor|for our happy couple.
Yeah, I'd love to see you juggle sometime.
|I'm a big fan of juggling.
He juggles for money.
- You okay?|- Yeah.
- We okay?|- Yeah, I didn't mean to get so defensive.
I didn't mean to make fun of Jess|and what he was reading.
Maybe it's good that he had it,|you know.
Maybe - He's trying.
|- It's okay.
I mean, that book|does sound pretty dorky.
Liz and T.
J.
wouldst enjoy others|to join them in their modest wriggles.
So your food's probably cold.
|You want to go get some more? Sure, or we can You know.
We can do what? - You want to dance?|- Really? Yeah.
- You said before you don't dance.
|- I'm a compulsive liar.
Okay, yeah, let's dance.
Dean.
- Thank God, a friendly face.
|- What happened here? - I feel so stupid.
I was on this date.
|- Oh, yeah? It was a boy that Grandma saw in diapers.
And she brought him over and I tagged along|on this stupid outing tonight.
- He was in diapers?|- No, she knew him when he was a kid.
So it was this whole big group of people and they were all drinking|in the car, smoking and I just thought, "these are|maybe the last people on earth "that I would want to die|in a car crash with.
" I'm glad you cut it short.
Poor Grandma.
It's not her fault.
She was just thinking I was lonely,|and that he was nice.
She was doing her matchmaker thing.
- Did I say that I feel stupid?|- No, that's okay.
It's cool.
And hungry.
|I haven't eaten since breakfast.
- Well, then let's eat.
|- I have no money.
I've got money.
- Excuse me, we'd like to order.
|- These are your menus right here.
- Duh, sorry.
|- This going on your tab? What? The card at the counter? It's still open.
Put your wallet away,|and I hope you're hungry.
I can eat.
We will start|with the sample appetizer platter - This was fun.
|- Yeah, it was.
So, hard to figure out which part of the evening was my favorite.
- There were a few.
|- T.
J.
throwing his tights at the bachelors instead of Liz's garters?|You ducked well, by the way.
Pure self-defense.
The choking guy being Heimliched|by the court jester? That was good.
Or the minister|making out with crazy Carrie? T.
J.
's brother making out|with crazy Carrie? Or that last guy making out|with crazy Carrie.
Who was that? - I think that was her husband.
|- Poor Barry! And it might be the dance.
- Really?|- Have you been taking lessons? That was all God-given talent.
- It was fun.
|- Yeah, it was.
- Well, good night.
|- We should do it again.
What, you got another wedding|coming up? No, I meant have fun.
|You know, like a movie or something.
- I didn't think you were a movie guy.
|- I can be a movie guy.
You like movies.
- Yeah, good, bad, and in-between.
|- How about next week? Sunday? - Sunday?|- Sunday.
You free? - I think so.
|- Okay, good.
- Good.
|- Good.
I'll see you.
Before then, but I'll see you then, too.
Yeah, I'll see you both of those thens.
Oh, hi.
- You leaving?|- Just hanging around, see if I'd catch you.
Good, I'm glad you did.
You can stay a couple more days|if you want.
There's no rush.
- Gotta get back to work.
|- Right, right.
Did you say goodbye to your mom? Yeah, we're good.
I gave her|my cell phone number.
Just got it.
- Left it for you on the fridge.
|- Good.
I want to pay you back.
- All the money-|- You don't have to.
I want to.
And I appreciate it, everything the money, living here.
It's good to hear, but I kind of knew that.
Yeah, but, in a relationship,|any relationship it's important to let the other person|know you appreciate them so you don't create barriers|that delay any hope for reciprocation.
- I think I read that somewhere.
|- Yeah? You're hoping for reciprocation? You got it.
I'm here, Jess.
I'm always here.
Thanks.
- The tie work out?|- The tie was perfect.
It's only hitting me now.
|My classes are done.
Done! I don't have to think|about Chaucer, or Euclid or Kafka, or Machiavelli for months.
I can just think about "Jane" magazine and why did Uma wear that dress,|fun stuff like that.
You'll still think about Kafka,|and probably Chaucer.
Probably.
But those other two bozos|are history.
You hear me? History! - See in there?|- Yeah.
- First-semester Poli.
Sci.
|- Which was your seat? We didn't have assigned seats,|but I sat with my back to the window so I wouldn't get distracted.
- This campus is huge.
|- And you're seeing it at a weird time because we're probably|the last two people left.
Man, it's good to get out.
|It's good to laugh.
I laughed tonight.
You're funny.
- I can be funny.
|- That's what I just said.
- Yeah, but you said it like I never am.
|- You're funny! - Yeah?|- Yeah.
- This is my room.
|- I know.
- Right, you've been here before.
|- Yeah.
- Thanks for saving me.
|- Yeah, anytime.
Dean, how is it that you can be out like this here, with me, or with anyone,|for that matter? Where does Lindsay think you are? She thinks I'm out.
Out where? Does it matter? What's going on with you? - What are you doing here?|- I need to talk to you.
- I need to talk to you.
|- Jess, what's going on? - What are you doing here?|- Rory, please.
Rory? Go.
Go home.
- No.
|- Yes, go.
You should go.
Why won't you leave me alone?|You won't go away.
- What do you want?|- I don't know.
I just wanted to see you, talk to you.
- I just|- What? - Come with me.
|- What? - Come with me.
|- Where? I don't know! Away! - Are you crazy?|- Probably.
Do it.
Come with me.
Don't think about it.
- I can't do that.
|- You can do whatever you want.
- It's not what I want.
|- It is.
I know you.
You don't know me! Look, we'll go to New York.
|We'll work, we'll be together.
- It's what I want.
It's what you want, too.
|- No! I want to be with you, but not here.
Not this place, not Stars Hollow.
- We have to start anew.
|- There's nothing to start! You're packed.
Your stuff is all in boxes.
It's perfect.
You're ready.
And I'm ready.
I'm ready for this.
|You can count on me now.
I know you couldn't count on me before,|but you can now.
- You can!|- No! Look, you know|we're supposed to be together.
I knew it the first time I saw you|two years ago and you know it, too.
I know you do.
No! Don't say no, just to make me|stop talking or make me go away.
Only say no if you really|don't want to be with me.
No! English
You go clockwise! - Clockwise! Can't you tell time?|- The other way, boys! - They're not getting it, Miss Patty.
|- The wedding's tomorrow.
We gotta get it.
It's the Banyon boys.
|They won't do what I tell them.
Nice maypole, Patty! Really organized! - Oh, shut up, Kirk!|- Tough day, Patty? I've worked with Joan Crawford.
|This is worse.
I don't call that a maypole.
I'd call that a "maybe-not pole.
" What's with him? He's mad because I made Chrissy|my dance captain over him.
- Kirk has 43 jobs.
|- Would you go talk to him, please? - I got my hands full here.
|- The Banyon boys? Lucifer tired of them in Hell|and dumped them here.
- I'll talk to Kirk.
|- Thank you.
All right, Chrissy, let's give it another go! Kirk, maybe you want|to ease up on Patty a little.
But the maypole is an expertise of mine! I reenacted the dwarf's|maypole choreography from the "Safety Dance" video,|my junior-high talent show.
Chicks were falling at my feet.
I'm less than impressed, Patty! Take a break, please.
|I've seen Miss Patty get violent.
- It's not pretty.
Remember that time?|- That's when she beat me up.
- Yeah.
Let's not repeat that.
|- Okay.
- They're the best I've got.
|- That's sad for you and the whole vegetable industry.
They're the best in the state.
|I stand by them.
- They're puny.
They're tasteless.
|- Puny? These are not puny.
If they're small enough to shove up|our son's nose, they're too small! No way could you shove one of these|up Davey's nose.
- Bet you five bucks.
|- Get him in here! You probably shouldn't shove|a radish up your son's nose.
Just thinking out loud.
All right, I'll take these|if it's all you've got.
Don't do me any favors.
- You two are back big-time.
|- That actually felt good.
- Like getting a Jack La Lanne workout.
|- Dead or alive? Jack La Lanne? Dead.
No, alive.
- Now that's gonna bug me.
|- Hello? There is so much joy around me,|I'm gonna hurl.
What's wrong? You should see|all the boisterous high-fiving going on all around me.
It's just really sad.
|Hey, do you mind, buddy? - Kids are in party mode, huh?|- "The kids " are clicking their heels|like there's no tomorrow.
And there is no tomorrow|for those who do not have a final on Saturday morning,|such as me.
I'm pathetic.
I should stand between two of them and have them high-five my head|from opposite sides and put me out of my misery.
Just one more final to go,|then you'll be free.
Two more boisterous bozos|just rubbing my face in it.
I do have one thing to run by you.
|Do you have the brain power? - I think I can swing it.
|- It involves the "J" word.
Not more about Jesus.
|I'm sick of him and Mel Gibson.
- Jess.
|- What about him? He's in town for that wedding and I never know where we stand|on the Jess-o-meter.
I was wondering if you want me|to tell you when I see him.
- Sure.
|- Really? - Why not?|- Okay it's just always so weird,|this J-word topic of ours.
You don't have to refer to him|as "the J word.
" Call him Jess, and feel free to tell me|when you see him.
I mean, if you see him|eight times in one day you don't need to call me|eight times to tell me.
- That's clearly overkill.
|- Sure.
You could limit the reports|to just significant sightings.
If you see him 100 yards away,|disappearing around a corner I really don't need to know that.
If he comes up to you|and spits in your face, report that.
- Permission to spit back?|- You know what I'm saying.
I know what you're saying.
|You know what I should do? Run up, tell him I love him,|then run away really fast.
- A taste of his own medicine.
|- No! Don't do anything out of the ordinary.
I won't.
Honey, I'm kidding.
- There's a horse in the dining room.
|- What? - Cletus is in the dining room.
|- Why? He heard about the terrific|continental breakfast.
I don't know.
I gotta go look at this.
Okay.
Bye.
Cletus, honey! Lorelai, I need your signature|on this, please.
- Michel?|- Yes? Do you see the big-nostriled thing|next to me here? - The horse?|- Yes, the horse.
- It's been here for 20 minutes.
|- What were you doing about it? - Nothing.
|- Nothing? It's a giant, smelly horse.
I figured someone was already|taking care of it.
- He's alive!|- Who? Jack La Lanne.
I just Googled him.
- Hi, Cletus.
|- So you already saw the horse? Yeah.
Sure, he's been here,|what, 20, 30 minutes? - About 25.
|- Okay.
New Dragonfly Inn rule.
|Everyone listening? Okay, if you see a horse in the inn or any other large quadruped or biped|or anything that's not What's the word? Human figure no one's doing anything about it,|and do something.
- Fine with me.
|- Yeah, same here.
If we had the rule before,|I would have done something.
Okay.
Great.
Thanks.
Bye.
Come on, troublemaker.
- Hitting the road, Glenn?|- Yeah, and I got a hot date tonight.
Who's the lucky girl? I'm getting back together|with my girl from back home.
- Want to see her picture?|- Sure.
Glen, this girl is, like, 12 years old.
It's her when she was little.
|Don't make this into something dirty! - She drives and everything.
|- Have a good summer, Glenn.
Rory, perfect timing.
|I want you to meet somebody.
- This is my boyfriend, Chester Fleet.
|- Hi, Chester.
I've heard a lot about you.
You can't believe everything you hear.
It's kind of a weird day to meet him|because he lost a bet with me and that means that for the entire day|he can only talk in clichés.
- It's so much fun.
|- Sounds it.
- It's always fun till someone gets hurt.
|- I'm leaving, guys.
- Rory, you get yourself a funky monkey.
|- What? Everyone poured all their alcohol|into a bowl.
That's what's in the cups.
- Tastes gross, but does the trick.
|- I stashed one in the fridge for you.
It was poured for me,|but I'm not having one.
Lips that touch wine|shall never touch mine.
- So much fun!|- Well, I guess this is goodbye.
- See you, Rory.
Have a good one.
|- Bye, Janet.
Janet, wait! I hate that our little clique is breaking up.
|It's so the end of something.
- You off your meds, Paris?|- You never get emotional at goodbyes? With people I like.
- See you.
|- Keep in touch.
So I made a collage of photos|of people in the building and I'm having everyone sign.
|Will you two do me the honor? - Sure.
I'll honor you.
|- Isn't it a great keepsake? There's Janet with her boyfriend,|and Lana with hers.
That's Mark and Stacy,|they're inseparable.
- And there's one of you, Rory.
|- That's me.
Janet and her boyfriend again,|and me with Chester.
- You're the apple of my eye.
|- That's getting annoying now, Chester.
And there you are again, Rory, with That's a lamppost.
Here's a bunch of couples from|Valentine's Day.
You aren't in that one.
And here you are|with all the cafeteria ladies.
- I can make you a copy of that if you'd like.
|- That's okay.
Rory, you've had quite the dry spell|this year.
- I have not had a dry spell.
|- There's not one picture of you with a guy.
No, there's one, see? - That's Rory with the statue of Eli Yale.
|- People are gonna talk.
I don't care what people say.
Are people talking? Not that I've heard.
|You just don't get out enough.
All work and no play makes Jack - Say goodbye before you leave?|- Will do.
Since when are you someone|who defines a girl by whether or not she's with a guy? You embarrassed me in front|of Tanna and Chester.
Please.
Before you got here|they were singing "The Lumberjack Song " at the top of their lungs.
|They're embarrassment-proof.
Here.
What's this? - Leonard Fleming?|- Asher's son.
Good-looking, runs a mutual fund,|newly divorced, and on the hunt.
- I don't think so.
|- The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
He is one hot apple, juicy to the core.
I got it.
Nice, hot apple.
- I just want you to be happy.
|- Don't feel sorry for me.
I'm fine.
I don't want you to have|a long, dry summer.
- Please stop talking about my love life.
|- Fine.
Wish me a merry trip to jolly old England.
Have a merry trip.
If you call Leonard|and one of his kids answers, hang up.
They still think Mommy's coming back.
- Hey, Miss Kim.
|- Hello, Lorelai.
- What can I do for you?|- Do you still have the big door knockers metal with the chipped red paint? You're a magician.
Do you know that? - It's great, isn't it? Big.
|- And good price seeing as how it may have belonged|to James Madison.
It was commonly known|that James Madison liked big knockers.
I bet a lot of the Founding Fathers|liked big knockers.
I'm sorry for laughing.
I'd explain if I could.
I've been in this country 20 years.
|I get things.
I never doubted.
- It's $90.
|- I'll take it.
- Here.
|- What's this? Mail for Lane.
|I know you go to Luke's, where she works.
If you could pass this on to her,|I'd appreciate it.
Mrs.
Kim, hasn't this|gone on long enough? - Not for you to say.
|- She's your only child.
I know you miss her.
She misses you.
Call her.
See her.
Don't avoid her.
- This is between me and my daughter.
|- As your mailman, I hereby resign.
Fine.
It comes to $140.
- You said $90.
|- Wrapping charge.
And it's not just guys.
Girls are not supposed|to be monogamous, either.
- We're "homo sapiens," not rocks.
|- That's so unromantic.
You can say that.
You got lucky.
- Yeah, T.
J.
is yum-yum!|- I did get lucky, didn't I? We're animals, and animals in the wild|don't mate for life except, like, tigers, but they're retarded.
- Hey, Liz.
|- Men are good for two things.
Make that one, and the one thing|they're not that good at.
Excuse me, sorry to break up|the festivities but do you have any idea|if I'm doing this right? Most guys don't know|if they're doing it right.
Not my expertise, bro,|but they smell good, if that helps.
There should have been|an instruction book of some kind.
I'm so sorry this got dumped on you but the turkey-leg guy knew|that going into that bar violated his parole.
|But you can't reason with them.
Is this how turkey legs|are supposed to look? I don't know.
|Take off your pants and let us see.
Weren't you guys going to a spa|or something? - Yeah, we're going, right?|- In a minute.
I need to get some batteries.
I'll be back.
Jess! Come over here|and meet my oldest friends.
- Watch the one on the left.
|- Thanks.
Girls, this is Jess.
- Hello, handsome.
|- Hi.
He's gonna walk me down the aisle.
|Is that cool or what? - It's no big deal.
|- It's a very big deal.
Can I help you? - Got a package here.
|- From who? I'm not expecting anything.
It's a very important package.
But there's no address on it.
- Have fun.
|- Have fun with what? - This package is for Liz Danes.
|- That's me.
Do you accept delivery? I guess.
- Shake it, doll, shake it!|- No, don't shake it in here.
Luke, we need change!|Turn these twenties into ones! - I don't believe this, you rats!|- Earn your money for mama! Nail-polish remover, $1.
40.
Ladies' Speed Stick, $2.
60.
Good choice on that one.
|Keeps you dry all day and into the night.
Jasmine body lotion, nice price on that.
- Might want to get a couple.
|- It's for my wife.
And, with your emery boards,|it comes to $19.
67.
Keep the change.
I'm so sorry you have a final tomorrow.
|I thought you'd be free as a bird tonight.
Them's the breaks.
You could have stayed at school|and studied if you had to, you know.
You're playing different music.
The music, it's different.
|Some chick is singing.
It's Blossom Dearie.
You don't like it? No, I like it fine.
|You've just never played it.
You and Dad always play classical music.
We just thought we'd try|something new tonight.
- "We"?|- He's out of town but you know what I mean.
We talked about changing the music.
So when will you be done|with your final tomorrow? Around noon,|depending on how fast I write.
Any friends left behind|to keep you company? Girlfriends, boyfriends? My roommates are all gone,|and I'd say 95% of the class has vamoosed.
- And you don't have a boyfriend?|- Not really.
Why, do you? I'm making a joke.
I was just wondering.
We haven't talked|about your love life in a while.
- I get to ask sometimes, don't I?|- Sure.
- Where'd you say Dad was?|- In Philadelphia.
Thanks, Mom.
Philadelphia, huh? Funny, you didn't mention that earlier.
|You just said he wouldn't be here.
What do you want, Lorelai?|For his secretary to fax you his schedule? No, I just want to be kept informed.
A lot of his schedule these days|has to do with Floyd a.
k.
a.
your ex-boyfriend's father.
I didn't know how much detail|you wanted to hear.
I hear you.
Blossom hears you.
|We're good.
- So you'll be a free girl around noon?|- Around then.
I just want to be thinking about you|right at that moment when the weight is lifting|off your shoulders.
- I'll be looking forward to it.
|- I'll be right back.
I'm going to see if Kiki|put the raspberry soufflés in.
- Dad hates raspberries.
|- No, he doesn't.
Sorry, thought he did.
Sorry.
What is going on here? I'm trying to get her to fess up|to the separation.
No, me! Am I cloaked|in loneliness or something? Everybody has been pestering me|about my love life this week.
That was not about you.
|It was about evading my questions.
It's a classic Sun Tzu "Art of War" maneuver: If you're being attacked from the east attack whoever's to your west.
|And you were the west.
Never read it, but it's full of crap like that.
Stop attacking her|so she'll stop attacking me.
You butted into my line of inquiry|with your "he's in Philadelphia" stuff.
She was about ready to crack.
No, she was ready to say,|"he's in Philadelphia.
" Did he sound like he was there|when he called? You mean, did I hear guys saying,|"Get your Philly cheese steak here"? - Why aren't you seeing anybody?|- I'm gonna throw a roll at you.
I just gotta know|what's going on with them.
They're having some sort|of marital difficulty, Mom and pressuring her like this|is not going to help.
But I'm dying here! If he's out of town,|is she actually staying here instead of that hotel she checked into or is she staying here permanently,|and he's the one who's at a hotel? Or Thank God, I checked,|or we would have been soufflé-less.
- Good.
Gotta have that soufflé.
|- So, where were we? We were all about to switch|to new subjects.
Okay.
Dad hates Chicken Kiev, doesn't he? Who called Groton? - I didn't.
|- Me neither.
Someone in this room called|someone in Groton at 11:37 p.
m.
on the 16th,|and it wasn't me.
That was the night you had|those two trampy girls over, Zach.
- They weren't trampy.
|- I heard one of them call her boyfriend and brag that she had scored|some sucker beer.
I'll pay for Groton.
Does that doorbell run on electricity? Because that's eating up money, too.
|We have to tell people to knock.
- Aunt Jun.
|- I'm here on your mother's behalf.
- She would like to visit.
|- Here? - A social call.
|- When? There are three times|she can come this week.
If none are convenient,|she will offer three more.
If those are not good,|she will rescind the offer.
Does this sound reasonable? - Very.
|- Fine.
- She bringing a bible?|- She didn't say.
- Here's your mail.
|- Thank you.
- Would you like to come in?|- No.
Rory? - Grandma, hi.
|- You busy? No, I was just packing|and having a little lemonade here.
- You're done with your final, right?|- Yes.
What are you doing here? I had lunch today on campus|with a friend, Cassie Sullivan.
She's with the Alumni Committee.
|Didn't I mention it last night? Not that I remember.
Anyway, she has a son|who's a freshman also.
- Graham Sullivan.
You haven't met him?|- I don't think so.
- Would you like to?|- Sure.
- Is now okay?|- Now? Graham! Graham, this is Rory.
Rory, Graham.
- Hi.
|- Hi.
Graham's family and ours go way back.
|I remember this young man in diapers.
He's one of the poor unfortunates|who had a Saturday final, too.
- Chemistry.
|- Philosophy.
I meant to introduce the two of you|ages ago.
I hate that it's last-minute like this.
|I feel awful.
That's okay.
Don't feel bad.
Alcohol, on your breath.
Graham mentioned that he and his group|were going out tonight to celebrate.
What did you call them? - "The Saturday Orphans"?|- Yes, I did.
- And he thought you might like to go.
|- Yeah.
- Would you like to go?|- Sure.
Wonderful! I actually tried|to get your grandmother to go, too but she made up some dumb excuse.
You're something else, you know that?|I feel good about this.
My orphan is an orphan no more.
|I'll go now.
Bye, Rory.
Bye, Grandma.
Okay, lesson number one: When your mom or your grandmother starts trying to pin down|your specific whereabouts at a specific time and place,|and she's smiling kind of weird begin evasive maneuvers immediately.
- Got caught in that one myself.
|- And lesson number two: Never, ever let anybody|outside of your family see you in diapers.
You were young I hope.
- You don't have to do that.
|- I just taped up eight of my own boxes.
- I'm a box-taping machine.
Use me.
|- Thank you.
So the plans for tonight,|they're pretty casual.
There'll be about 10 of us.
|You're totally welcome to come.
I was just gonna go home, but I don't know, maybe.
We're gonna get some food, hang out.
|I'll leave you my cell phone number.
- You got a piece of paper?|- Yeah.
Great.
- Leonard Fleming.
|- Ignore that.
- Maybe I'll see you later.
|- Yeah.
Enjoy your lemonade.
What is wrong with this shoe polish? The fact that Pontius Pilate was alive|when you bought it? - Shoe polish goes bad?|- Look at it.
It's all chunky.
- It messed up my shoes.
|- Just wipe them off.
They'll be fine.
- Don't you have a full-length mirror?|- Don't need one.
You don't like looking at your bottom half?|I love doing that.
I look down to look at my bottom half.
|I don't need a mirror.
You seem nervous.
I'm not nervous.
I don't see why you would be.
|I'm the one getting shackled today.
- Looks like old polish.
|- Yep.
The "Queer Eye" guys|are very against old polish.
- He's very nervous.
|- I'm not nervous! - Maybe it's time you put a shirt on.
|- Why, am I getting you hot? - I need the bathroom.
|- Just hold on.
I am loving these tights.
They're fantastic.
They lend support everywhere|you need it, but they breathe.
- This one.
|- Thanks.
Luke, I had to borrow your deodorant.
|I hope that's okay.
Allow me.
Greetings, my lord.
Your lady hath arrived|to be escorted forthwith.
- I didn't know you spoke Renaissance.
|- I'm quite fluent in Renaissance.
- You look nice.
I'm loving the tie.
|- Thanks.
You look beautiful.
Flattery will get you everywhere,|my friend.
- Shall we?|- Let's go.
A nice, manly wreath in your hair|wouldn't work? - There's no such thing as a manly wreath.
|- I don't know.
Julius Caesar pulled it off.
He was very popular with the ladies.
Cleopatra used to pull his leaves off,|very sexy.
What's this? Surely these be time travelers|from the future in such foreign, mystical garb.
- And who be you, kind sir?|- T.
J.
's brother.
I got a patio-furniture store|down in Nutley.
Plastic, metal, teak.
Whatever you need,|I can hook you up.
- Okay, thank you.
|- Just do me a favor.
I'm gonna try to keep a happy,|proud look on my face to cover the smirking-|and-about-to-laugh-my-ass-off face just underneath.
Help me achieve this.
Come on! They have a community|of people, of friends, you know who travel together,|engage in silliness, dress in costume.
- I think it's nice.
|- Hi, Lucas.
Hi, Carrie.
- Is that a power suit?|- It's my only suit.
Looks pretty powerful to me.
- So Barry stayed home.
|- Who? The ball and chain.
I'm flying solo tonight.
- Save a dance for me?|- I don't dance.
You will dance.
How about we work on him together? I think there's a hoofer buried|deep inside there, don't you? - I guess.
|- Carrie, this is Lorelai.
- I know.
Hi.
|- Hi.
So there's gonna be a little delay.
Liz ripped her dress,|and it's gonna take a while to fix it.
I'm supposed to spread the message.
Well, spread it, Carrie.
The message! The message.
- She makes me very uncomfortable.
|- Poor Liz.
- Does she know how to fix her dress?|- She was never one for household skills.
- I'm gonna go see.
She's at Miss Patty's?|- Don't leave me alone.
Carrie found the guy with the codpiece.
|That will keep her occupied.
Hurry back.
Lorelai, thank heavens.
|I'm so bad with wardrobe.
I ripped it getting up.
I'm such a klutz.
That's why I'm here.
|Patty, you have a sewing kit? - Right here, sweetie.
|- I'm holding everyone up.
No, today's your day.
If anyone gets|to hold things up, it's you.
Relax.
I'm nervous.
Do I look nervous?|I sound nervous.
You look great.
It's normal to be nervous|on your wedding day.
This is my first wedding of mine|that I've ever been sober for.
I'm probably gonna remember this one.
The ones that you remember|are the ones that stick.
What was your wedding like?|Were you this nervous? - Never been married.
|- You got a kid! - Found a way around that.
|- I see.
You wanna get married? It's inappropriate to propose to me|on your wedding day.
But do you want to get married?|You must want to get married.
I guess so, you know,|if I meet the right guy.
I hate being single.
Ever think, if you got married today,|or even in the next few years you could be married for 50 years.
|For most of your life.
Same with me and T.
J.
|I could be married most of my life to him.
- Isn't that weird to think about?|- I could be married for most of my life.
I don't want to screw up this marriage|even more than I want some pot.
That's how serious I am.
Are you ready?|The crowd's getting restless.
You're getting restless.
|Do you two know each other? Jess and I go way back.
|He dated my daughter.
You broke her daughter's heart? - I|- No he didn't.
It just didn't work out.
Good, 'cause I don't want him|to be like his father, breaking hearts.
I want him to be like T.
J.
|Or my second husband.
Or like my boyfriend|after my third husband, who died.
- They were good guys.
|- You're all done.
It's perfect! She's a miracle worker.
- I'm gonna go tell the others.
|- Thanks, hon! And thank you.
You're gonna make|a great wife someday and a great sister-in-law|to some very lucky girl.
- I hope so.
|- Now, go on, Luke's waiting.
Unless my friend Carrie|suffocated him with her boobs.
- That would be festive.
Here, Patty.
|- Let's check your hair real quick, sweetie.
Okay.
You look absolutely beautiful.
- Everything okay?|- Crisis averted.
- Must be starting.
|- Think they know any Zeppelin? - Roses, nice.
|- Does she remind you of someone? Can you say "Leslie Van Houten"? - Now, that's impressive.
|- Yeah.
These tights, I'm telling you,|they're the best.
I'm happy, my boys are happy,|and they don't ride up.
Still dry.
Thanks, buddy.
- You dried his armpits?|- I don't want to talk about it.
I want one of those.
- She looks happy.
|- Yeah, she does.
- She looks hot.
|- Smoking.
Don't you say that.
Where's the minister? Help.
- Think of something not funny.
|- Can't.
You may plant the ceremonial sword.
- Avalanches.
Earthquakes.
|- Not doing it.
- Famine, and I'm out.
|- Hello, friends.
Isn't it a beautiful day? The day that Liz and T.
J.
share their love in front of those they love.
- Liz, do you want to tell T.
J.
how you feel?|- Yes.
- T.
J.
|- Yeah? My heart just pours out to you.
You have been so good to me and for me.
I don't know where I'd be without you.
|I'd be worse off, I know that.
You're something else.
Nice.
T.
J.
I wrote something down but, for all the good points about tights,|and there are a lot they don't have pockets.
So I gotta go off the cuff.
I love you.
- That wasn't so funny.
|- That wasn't funny at all.
- Hi, Mama.
|- Hello, Lane.
Thank you for having me.
- You find the place okay?|- Yes.
Here.
Multi-grain soy pudding.
Extra chunky, the way you like it.
- I bet we'll all like it.
|- We? Come in, Mama.
Mama, these are my roommates,|Zach and Brian.
- Hello, Mrs.
Kim.
|- Welcome.
There's no way I could afford a place|on my own, so we live together.
We share all the expenses,|and a bathroom.
That's unfortunate,|but we're starving artists, Mama.
These are my band mates.
|Zach, would you make us some tea? - I'd be delighted.
|- I'll get the cups.
How about a tour?|This is the living room, obviously.
That's where Zach and Brian sleep.
A solid eight hours every night.
This is my room.
Window's broken, but the landlord's on it.
|Kitchen, refrigerator Would you like to pick a tea?|We have a whole selection.
Lapsang oolong, orange pekoe,|Sleepy Time? Harry, they've got turkey legs! I was born 400 years too late.
|I mean, this food is amazing.
- Here's a couple of seats.
|- Okay.
- There were boys.
|- What? Where? - At Lane's.
Two boys, one with hair.
|- Okay, you went to Lane's? And the place.
Broken furniture,|and dirt, and boys - and a broken window, and boys|- Slow down.
and a tiny fridge, and guitars, and boys- - How many boys were there?|- Two boys.
She stood in that room with two boys.
I didn't stand alone in a room|with two boys until I was I've never done that.
Mrs.
Kim, you know|why the boys were there.
- She's dirty.
|- She's not dirty.
She was trying to be up front with you,|and that's good.
She could have hid them from you,|and she didn't.
- I wish she did.
|- No, you don't.
I've met those boys.
They're innocent.
As innocent as if she was living|with two girls.
- So think of them that way.
|- What way? Think of them as girls.
- Girls?|- Girls.
- I don't like girls, either.
|- You like them better than boys.
- True.
|- And Lane is trying so hard.
Girls.
Yeah, think of them|as two tall, gawky, caring sometimes unwashed girls who are watching out|for your daughter's safety.
Girls.
- Is she okay?|- She will be.
She'll be okay.
Look.
Jess made a friend.
People think prison's a waste of time but prison's the best thing|ever happened to me.
- Interesting.
|- Picked up skills.
Metal working, laundry, that's a skill.
Doing laundry for 600 guys,|no piece of cake.
- Great.
|- Added fabric softener for cigarettes.
- Career guidance?|- He's doing better.
He's gonna be okay.
Hey, Jimmy Ray, glad you made it.
It's like a marketing thing.
|Don't call them tights.
Guys don't want to wear tights.
Call them air pants.
Here's your slogan,|"Air pants.
The pants that breathe.
" I'm telling you, we gotta get in|on the ground floor of this.
There they are, my two heroes.
- You saved the wedding.
|- I saved nothing.
And you're always my hero,|my big brother.
- Congratulations, Sis.
|- Wasn't Jess great? It made all the difference.
It wasn't like it was a hard thing to do,|but he did it good.
- You say goodbye before you leave.
|- I'm just going to get more food.
- You promise?|- I promise.
Come on, let's get some chow.
- Okay.
Bye, guys.
|- See you.
- She's so happy.
|- Yeah, and he really loves tights.
You want to know something weird? What? When I was at Miss Patty's,|Jess was there and he had his backpack, and it was open,|and I saw this book.
- I thought I was seeing things.
|- A book? Yes.
It was a self-help book,|with some goofy title like "Learn to Love"|or "How to Love when You're Unloved " or something like that.
- Isn't that bizarre?|- I don't know.
I'll answer for you: It is bizarre.
Maybe he's just trying to learn something,|better himself.
- Have you seen this book?|- I know nothing about this book.
- Those kinds of books are idiotic.
|- Not if they help people.
I can't believe|you're not mocking this book which is so pathetically mockable.
Maybe it's more pathetic|if people don't try.
And maybe he's trying.
|You ever think of that? - No, but-|- He can read whatever he wants to read.
I forgot to get something to drink.
|Need anything? - I'm fine.
|- Okay.
No way! Duke is gonna dominate|the A.
C.
C.
again.
- No way.
|- Williams? Redick? Graham, Redick has a 96%|free-throw average.
- It's a done deal.
|- Carolina is coming back.
No question.
Question! What is that?|Your patented five-beer comeback? Seven free throws, man.
|All season, seven.
That's it.
- You're not drinking.
|- I'm fine.
- So you only drink alone?|- Pardon me? - The lemonade?|- That was just a roommate thing.
- I don't usually drink.
|- Pity.
You want to get back to your group? Not if it's suddenly|gonna get exciting over here.
- I wouldn't count on it.
|- You have got to lighten up.
That's one of my favorite phrases.
- That's a sign, boys.
|- Mucky duck? Mucky duck! Let's go.
- We just got here.
|- What's a pub crawl without the crawl? Who's got my keys? He's driving? He's one of the best drunk drivers|in Connecticut.
Top 50, easy.
You ready? Actually, I just think I'm gonna take off.
- What?|- Yeah, I'm kind of tired.
- Rory!|- Thanks for everything.
Well, do you want me to drive you home? - We came here with Jonah.
|- Right.
You need money for a cab? - I got money.
|- I feel kind of bad.
Don't.
Okay.
See you later.
Bye.
Putz.
Excuse me, is there an ATM here? A few blocks down.
|I wouldn't walk, though.
It gets dicey at night.
Hi, it's me.
I'm kind of stuck|and I didn't know who else to call.
Okay, it looks like Brian's|paying for call waiting for the next two months.
- It's not over till it's over.
|- Lane, door! I'll throw in my share of next month's|gas bill, I'm that confident.
You're gonna eat your confidence.
- Mama.
|- I'm back.
- Pause it!|- Come in.
This, we'll clean up.
Window will be fixed.
|Temporary fridge.
You two are girls.
I'll have tea now.
- I'll boil water.
|- I'll bring you our selection.
Hope ye took much pleasure|in Kajagoogoo.
Methinks Oingo Boingo willst|soon makest an appearance.
But first, please clear the floor|for our happy couple.
Yeah, I'd love to see you juggle sometime.
|I'm a big fan of juggling.
He juggles for money.
- You okay?|- Yeah.
- We okay?|- Yeah, I didn't mean to get so defensive.
I didn't mean to make fun of Jess|and what he was reading.
Maybe it's good that he had it,|you know.
Maybe - He's trying.
|- It's okay.
I mean, that book|does sound pretty dorky.
Liz and T.
J.
wouldst enjoy others|to join them in their modest wriggles.
So your food's probably cold.
|You want to go get some more? Sure, or we can You know.
We can do what? - You want to dance?|- Really? Yeah.
- You said before you don't dance.
|- I'm a compulsive liar.
Okay, yeah, let's dance.
Dean.
- Thank God, a friendly face.
|- What happened here? - I feel so stupid.
I was on this date.
|- Oh, yeah? It was a boy that Grandma saw in diapers.
And she brought him over and I tagged along|on this stupid outing tonight.
- He was in diapers?|- No, she knew him when he was a kid.
So it was this whole big group of people and they were all drinking|in the car, smoking and I just thought, "these are|maybe the last people on earth "that I would want to die|in a car crash with.
" I'm glad you cut it short.
Poor Grandma.
It's not her fault.
She was just thinking I was lonely,|and that he was nice.
She was doing her matchmaker thing.
- Did I say that I feel stupid?|- No, that's okay.
It's cool.
And hungry.
|I haven't eaten since breakfast.
- Well, then let's eat.
|- I have no money.
I've got money.
- Excuse me, we'd like to order.
|- These are your menus right here.
- Duh, sorry.
|- This going on your tab? What? The card at the counter? It's still open.
Put your wallet away,|and I hope you're hungry.
I can eat.
We will start|with the sample appetizer platter - This was fun.
|- Yeah, it was.
So, hard to figure out which part of the evening was my favorite.
- There were a few.
|- T.
J.
throwing his tights at the bachelors instead of Liz's garters?|You ducked well, by the way.
Pure self-defense.
The choking guy being Heimliched|by the court jester? That was good.
Or the minister|making out with crazy Carrie? T.
J.
's brother making out|with crazy Carrie? Or that last guy making out|with crazy Carrie.
Who was that? - I think that was her husband.
|- Poor Barry! And it might be the dance.
- Really?|- Have you been taking lessons? That was all God-given talent.
- It was fun.
|- Yeah, it was.
- Well, good night.
|- We should do it again.
What, you got another wedding|coming up? No, I meant have fun.
|You know, like a movie or something.
- I didn't think you were a movie guy.
|- I can be a movie guy.
You like movies.
- Yeah, good, bad, and in-between.
|- How about next week? Sunday? - Sunday?|- Sunday.
You free? - I think so.
|- Okay, good.
- Good.
|- Good.
I'll see you.
Before then, but I'll see you then, too.
Yeah, I'll see you both of those thens.
Oh, hi.
- You leaving?|- Just hanging around, see if I'd catch you.
Good, I'm glad you did.
You can stay a couple more days|if you want.
There's no rush.
- Gotta get back to work.
|- Right, right.
Did you say goodbye to your mom? Yeah, we're good.
I gave her|my cell phone number.
Just got it.
- Left it for you on the fridge.
|- Good.
I want to pay you back.
- All the money-|- You don't have to.
I want to.
And I appreciate it, everything the money, living here.
It's good to hear, but I kind of knew that.
Yeah, but, in a relationship,|any relationship it's important to let the other person|know you appreciate them so you don't create barriers|that delay any hope for reciprocation.
- I think I read that somewhere.
|- Yeah? You're hoping for reciprocation? You got it.
I'm here, Jess.
I'm always here.
Thanks.
- The tie work out?|- The tie was perfect.
It's only hitting me now.
|My classes are done.
Done! I don't have to think|about Chaucer, or Euclid or Kafka, or Machiavelli for months.
I can just think about "Jane" magazine and why did Uma wear that dress,|fun stuff like that.
You'll still think about Kafka,|and probably Chaucer.
Probably.
But those other two bozos|are history.
You hear me? History! - See in there?|- Yeah.
- First-semester Poli.
Sci.
|- Which was your seat? We didn't have assigned seats,|but I sat with my back to the window so I wouldn't get distracted.
- This campus is huge.
|- And you're seeing it at a weird time because we're probably|the last two people left.
Man, it's good to get out.
|It's good to laugh.
I laughed tonight.
You're funny.
- I can be funny.
|- That's what I just said.
- Yeah, but you said it like I never am.
|- You're funny! - Yeah?|- Yeah.
- This is my room.
|- I know.
- Right, you've been here before.
|- Yeah.
- Thanks for saving me.
|- Yeah, anytime.
Dean, how is it that you can be out like this here, with me, or with anyone,|for that matter? Where does Lindsay think you are? She thinks I'm out.
Out where? Does it matter? What's going on with you? - What are you doing here?|- I need to talk to you.
- I need to talk to you.
|- Jess, what's going on? - What are you doing here?|- Rory, please.
Rory? Go.
Go home.
- No.
|- Yes, go.
You should go.
Why won't you leave me alone?|You won't go away.
- What do you want?|- I don't know.
I just wanted to see you, talk to you.
- I just|- What? - Come with me.
|- What? - Come with me.
|- Where? I don't know! Away! - Are you crazy?|- Probably.
Do it.
Come with me.
Don't think about it.
- I can't do that.
|- You can do whatever you want.
- It's not what I want.
|- It is.
I know you.
You don't know me! Look, we'll go to New York.
|We'll work, we'll be together.
- It's what I want.
It's what you want, too.
|- No! I want to be with you, but not here.
Not this place, not Stars Hollow.
- We have to start anew.
|- There's nothing to start! You're packed.
Your stuff is all in boxes.
It's perfect.
You're ready.
And I'm ready.
I'm ready for this.
|You can count on me now.
I know you couldn't count on me before,|but you can now.
- You can!|- No! Look, you know|we're supposed to be together.
I knew it the first time I saw you|two years ago and you know it, too.
I know you do.
No! Don't say no, just to make me|stop talking or make me go away.
Only say no if you really|don't want to be with me.
No! English