Glee Episode Scripts

1ARC02 - Acafellas

When did you start cooking, Terri? Oh, it's just hamburger casserole.
Look out for bones.
I'm sorry.
I, uh I can't hold it in any longer.
Um Mom, Dad - Terri's pregnant.
- What? - It's a boy.
- Oh! Our first grandbaby! - Oh, that's fantastic.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Sweetheart? Honey.
- Yeah? I thought we weren't gonna tell anybody yet.
Your secret is safe with me.
I spent six months in the Hanoi Hilton.
- Never said a word.
Am I right, Doodle? - That's right, honey.
Oh.
Yeah, we're gonna turn the craft room into the nursery.
- Oh! Show me! - Okay.
I'm really happy for you, Son.
Tell you the truth, I'm terrified.
I don't know how to do this.
No one does.
Look at me.
I was a mess.
I worked all the time, traveling.
I was too strict.
Okay, you're not instilling me with a great deal of confidence here, Dad.
I mean, I'm already up all night thinkin' about this.
That's my fault uh, the confidence thing.
Boys learn that from their fathers.
I started at Zuckerman and Zuckerman in college.
I needed some extra cash.
I was saving up for law school.
But I never went.
I never even applied.
Didn't have the balls.
So I settled for insurance.
I mean, who was I to become a lawyer? You would've been a great one.
You're the smartest guy I know.
It's not about brains, Son.
Being a good father Hell, being a man is all about one thing.
Guts.
And you've got about six months to figure out if you have any.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Step and step up.
Just step and step.
And turn around and down and up.
And hit, hit.
Down.
Hit.
Uh, c-could we stop, please? You don't have to ask every time for permission to go to the bathroom, Rachel.
- You can just go.
- It's not my bladder.
- It's the choreography.
- Okay, what's wrong with the choreography? - It sucks.
- It's completely unoriginal.
Aren't you guys gonna get shunned for talking to me? Sweetie, we're a team now.
But you gotta do something about Mr.
Schue's dance routines.
We can't compete with Vocal Adrenaline with these steps.
You're a great vocal coach, Mr.
Schue but you're not a trained choreographer.
That's what we need to be the best.
We need Dakota Stanley.
He's the best show choir choreographer in the Midwest.
He works with Vocal Adrenaline.
You can't take regionals without him.
He was the understudy to the candelabra in Beauty and the Beast on Broadway.
Just because he understudied doesn't mean he ever performed.
Did you ever perform, Mr.
Schuester? After high school.
Did you even try? I wanted to.
That was my dream, you know? - L-I just never had - The guts? They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star.
I mean, look at, um look atJohn Stamos.
I don't know.
I guess I'm also just nervous about being a dad.
I want my kid to be proud of me.
I want to set a good example, you know? I hope it's cool, me unloading on you like this.
- L-l-I don't want there to be any awkwardness.
- Oh, no.
No.
None at all.
I mean, especially since we're we're both in relationships now, both of us.
- Right.
- I'm in a relationship.
You're in a relationship.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- H-How's it goin' with Ken? - Great.
It's great.
It's wonderful.
I mean, you know, he's flawed, but he he knows who he is, and that's that's great and there really is nothing sexier in a man than than confidence, you know? - Huh? - Huh.
Sandy.
I thought you weren't allowed on campus.
No, William.
I'm not allowed within 50 feet of children.
Besides, Henri and I go way back.
I got him a job before we even had a shop class.
Uh, I told Figgins that you are going to have a school full of nancys unless you get some hot wood in those teenagers' hands.
- Here comes Henri.
- Oh, shoot.
Terri was supposed to bring a cake.
I'm back.
Henri had a little problem with over-the-counter cough medicine.
He ended up cutting offhis thumbs.
It was a real tragedy.
I'll never hitchhike across Europe.
That was a dream, man.
- Where's Terri? - Doing inventory.
I can't count higher than 30.
You know, this is nice.
Can't remember the last time I just hung out with the guys really talked about our feelings.
Wanna know what I'm feeling? I live at the YMCA.
I only have one pair of long pants.
Oh, please.
My life is a disaster with no creative outlet other than writing my Desperate Housewives fan fiction.
I'm afraid of my vacuum.
I know how you guys feel.
I apparently don't know how to dance.
I don't have thumbs.
Uh Sorry.
# For he's a jolly good fellow # # For he's the jolly good fellow # # For he's the jolly good fellow # #That nobody can deny # Hey.
That was pretty good.
#This is how we do it # Two weeks ago I would have agreed that four grown men rehearsing a cappella hip-hop in my living room was embarrassing.
But bustin'out some white-hot newjack swing I'll tell you, I've never felt more confident.
# This is how we do it It's Friday night # - Henri thought we should call our group - Crescendudes.
- while Ken thought - Testostertones.
Was more manly, and then we heard a single word leap Howard's lips and we knew we had our name.
Acafellas.
#Yo, we made it so good ## I'm ready for my close-up, Mr.
DeMille.
Sandy, we voted.
When you're in the group, it's creepy.
Wai I #T his is how we do it # - #T his is how we do it ## - Will! If I don't get some sleep, I could miscarry.
I'm sorry, Ter.
Um I'll be right in? I hope so.
Being in a boy band did wonders for our love life.
Seeing me feel so good about myself made my wife more attracted to me in every way.
It was amazing.
I mean we started doin'it once a week.
It was like she was tryin'to make a twin.
- He's not coming.
- What happened? They're my famous sugar cookies.
I bake them for the poor during Christmastime but I whipped up a special batch just for you.
I wanted to say how sorry I was for what I said.
Don't be.
You were right.
You know, the truth is, Rachel, if you weren't so hard on me I never would have had the guts to start Acafellas.
But We need you, Mr.
Schue.
You've missed six rehearsals in the past couple of weeks and when you're there, you're not really there.
- Which is why I think you should go ahead and hire Montana.
- Dakota.
Whatever.
You know, I'll still be there to help you guys sing and stuff but, uh, I just don't have time for all of it anymore.
Of course he doesn't want anything to do with us after you kicked him in the 'nads! Then why did he thank me? The goal is to win, and now that Mr.
Schuester has agreed to let us hire Dakota Stanley, we can.
But he doesn't want us to.
He just doesn't have the confidence to coach us anymore.
- Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff.
- And that's my fault? You see anyone else in here with a plate of "I'm sorry" cookies? I don't.
Just you.
I'm bored.
All those in favor of hiring Dakota Stanley Hey, wait up.
Y-You can't do this to Mr.
Schuester.
What? Make him a hero? Once we hire Dakota and win nationals, he'll thank me for it.
- You heard Santana.
It's all about winning.
- Since when? Look, you have your popular clique and your football and your cliché of a blonde girlfriend.
Glee is my one shot.
If this doesn't work out then my whole high school life will be nothing but an embarrassment.
Wh-What's a "cliché"? Is that a bad thing? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is this one of those chick things where you're pissed about one thing but you're just pretending like you're pissed about something else 'cause I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, for a while there, you were kind of all over me and now you just yell at me all the time.
Makes me think you're still upset about what happened in the auditorium.
I'm not.
I've moved on and I'm focusing on my career now.
- D-Do you wanna talk about it? - No.
And neither do you.
It's kind of ironic how you're Mr.
Popular and I'm just this nobody that everybody makes fun of.
But I have enough confidence to say out loud that what happened between us in the auditorium was real.
You have feelings for me and you just don't have the guts to admit it.
We're hiring Dakota Stanley.
Even if it means me quitting? Yes.
It's a good start.
You're sowing the seeds of destruction.
- Mr.
Schuester barely even shows up for rehearsals.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
"Barely" will not cut it.
I will not be satisfied until Glee Club is disbanded.
And what about this Dakota character? Any chance he actually helps? They're soft.
He'll eat them alive.
I give them 15 minutes before the first one quits or tries to commit suicide.
You know, ladies Learned a lot in Special Forces.
I was on the strike team in Panama when we extracted Noriega.
We took out the shepherd then we went after the sheep.
You need to go after these Glee Clubbers one by one.
I want my full budget restored.
I need a fog machine.
- Have you ever kissed anybody? - Yes if by "someone" you mean the tender crook of my elbow.
No, I haven't.
But I want to.
Okay.
Stop it right there, Mercedes.
We are in Glee Club.
That means we are at the bottom of the social heap.
Special Ed kids will get more play than we will.
The only thing that gets me by is my knowledge that we are superior to all of them.
What are you wearing on our Operation Dakota Stanley field trip? - Is there a dress code? - No, but every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion.
We'll hit the mall after school.
Meet me at lunch.
Okay.
You should totally scoop that.
I don't think I'm his type.
Oh, I think you are.
Just follow our lead.
We've got your back.
Poison! Yeah, Spider-Man and Freeze in full effect.
- You ready, Ken? - I'm ready.
- You ready, Henri? - I'm ready, Will.
- Are you? - Oh, yeah.
Break it down.
- #Y eah # - #Girl, I must # - #W arn you # - # I sense something strange in my mind # - #T he situation is # - #Serious # # Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time # #Can't get her out of my head # - #Miss her, kiss her, love her# - #W rong move, you're dead # - #T hat girl is # - # Poison # - #W hoa, whoa, oh, oh # - # Never trust a big butt and a smile # - #T hat girl is # - # Poison # # Poison, deadly, movin' it slow # # Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe # #Gettin' paid, laid, so better lay low # #Schemin' on the hots My end, the pro show # # Low pro ho should be cut like an Afro # #See what you're sayin', huh She weighin' you but I know she's a loser # - # How do you know # - # Me and the crew used to do her # Yea, Ken! Ken Tanaka! In my own little way, I felt like I was finally a star.
Thank you so much.
Acafellas! - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Son! This is huge! We just sold all 17 copies of your CD.
I didn't even have to show any of them my bosoms.
You know, honey? Go get yourself a Sanka.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Thanks, Mom.
Good job.
I bought one for my grandson so he can hear for himself how good his old man was.
- Ah.
- Schue! That was an amazing performance! Oh, thank you.
I mean You know, we're just starting out, so Look, there's a P.
T.
A.
Meeting next Thursday night and I want Acafellas to be the main event.
I need those parents happy! They found out we've been serving the children prison food.
Great job, Son.
- Well? - " Is it too soon to call Will Schuester "the next Michael Bublé? "The audience last Thursday at Benchwarmers Sports Bar didn't think so.
"And Ken Tanaka's smoky baritone "is like a cool fog that sweeps over a deep ocean of emotional intensity.
"A big thumbs-up to Henri St.
Pierre "who proves you don't need all 10 fingers to pluck a lady's heartstrings "like a well-tuned, sexy harpsichord.
Only Howard" Um, sorry, Howard.
They didn't say anything about you.
"Buckle up, Ohio.
Are you ready for a new musical sensation? You'd better be, because here come the Acafellas.
" Yes! Oh, congratulations on your dead-tree valentine, gentlemen.
By the way, I want in.
Stop right there, William.
I've got two words for you.
Josh Groban.
- He's coming to the P.
T.
A.
Event.
- Who is Josh Groban? Who is Josh Groban? Kill yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us.
And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critics' Choice Award.
- Why would he come to our show? - Because I invited him.
Josh and I have become frequent pen pals since he accidentally friended me on MySpace.
And being my close personal confidant he is only interested if I am in the group.
No, Sandy.
We have standards.
Okay.
Fine.
But just so you know, the blogs are all atwitter.
They say he's looking for an opening act.
Damn, Kurt.
This car is fly.
My dad got it for my Sweet 16 after I swore to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee.
What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him.
Are we even sure they're rehearsing today? Vocal Adrenaline rehearses every day from 2:30 until midnight.
I'm just so nervous these Vocal Adrenaline kids are gonna laugh at us.
They're so cool and popular and we look like we just stepped off the short bus.
Those sweaty Nazis have just had more time to practice.
We have more heart.
And you don't look touched in the head.
That outfit is amazing.
So would you everyou know, wanna hang out? Come over.
It's Liza Minnelli week on AMC.
Guys, that's Andrea Cohen.
She won outstanding soloist last year in "Absolutely Tampastic.
" You can't leave rehearsals for any reason.
That includes heat exhaustion or Crohn's disease.
Are you guys Vocal Adrenaline? We'd like to talk to Dakota Stanley about choreographing for our Glee Club.
Don't! He's a monster.
# Hit the beat, take it to the verse now # #Yeah, yeah, yeah I love you, you, you # # But I gotta stay true Ooh, ooh # # My morals got me on my knees I'm beggin' please # #Stop playin' games # # I don't know what you do but you do it well # - # I'm under your spell # - # I've got you under my spell # - #Y ou got me begging you for mercy # - #Y eah, yeah, yeah # - #W hy won't you release me # - #Y eah, yeah, yeah # #Yes, I'm begging you for mercy # - #W hy won't you release me # - # Mercy # # I said release # - # Me # - #Y eah, yeah, yeah # - #Y ou got me begging you for mercy # - #Y eah, yeah # - #W hy won't you release me # - #Y eah, yeah # #Give me some mercy # # I said release # - # Me # - #Y eah, yeah, yeah # Get off my stage! Mr.
Stanley, we're the McKinley High Glee Club! - No interviews! - We'd like you to choreograph for us.
Look, my fee is $8,000 per number, plus a $10,000 bonus if you place in the top three.
And with Dakota Stanley at the wheel, you will place at the top three.
Move it.
How are we gonna get $8,000? Kick that way, and back.
- And kick out - Hold on.
- Okay.
One more.
Let me - Okay.
- Kick out - Kick Right behind you.
It's all right.
Hey, where is everybody? Uh, Sandy went to get Henri from wood shop, and Oh.
There's Howard.
- Hello? - I don't think I can be in the band anymore.
- What? - Like doing inventory it was never my dream.
Howard's out.
Oh, that That's just great.
What's he Hey, Emma.
You didn't, uh, see me dancin' earlier, did you? Oh, is that what that was? - Look, I have some bad news.
- You're breakin' up with me.
- What, here, in front of another dude? - No.
Please stop talking.
Um, no.
Look, I think the Acafellas pressure has proven to be a little too much for Henri.
- Really? Why? - Well, he just downed six bottles of cough syrup which is a lot, even for him.
Um, he's okay.
Sandy's in the emergency room with him now but Figgins is insisting before he comes back and can be around kids again that he goes to rehab, so that's where he's going tomorrow morning.
That's just great.
So Acafellas is officially doomed now.
Do you know, uh When I get stressed, I I work out.
You can probably tell.
So I'm gonna, uh down some PowerBars, knock off a few reps, come up with some solutions here.
It was fun while it lasted.
I don't think you should give up so easy, Will.
You know, they said Van Halen was dead after David Lee Roth quit but my worn-out single of"Right Now" says that they were wrong.
You got a sec, Mr.
Schue? - Yeah, of course.
What's up? - I just wanted to tell you that I'm quitting Glee too.
Uh I didn't quit Glee.
Well, you might as well have.
It's nutty in there.
I try and talk sense into Rachel, but she's gone all chick batty.
I've gotta be honest with you.
It's hard bein' the quarterback when I get in the huddle and all the guys are calling me Deep Throat.
Glee's bringing down my rep, man.
Have the guts to stick with it a little bit longer.
You are a gifted performer, Finn.
You can't quit now.
If you do, you're just gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Trust me.
I know.
It's just not fun anymore.
Hey, Finn.
Wait.
There's something I wanna talk to you about.
- Hey, Coach.
- What do you want, Puckerman? I hear there's a vacancy in your a capella group.
I wanna offer my services.
I play guitar, and actually, I'm a really good singer.
There are a lot of moms at your gigs, right? Well, here's the thing you should know about me.
I'm not like everybody else in this crappy cow town.
I've got star potential and more specifically, I'm tired of wasting my time with high school girls.
You're breaking up with me.
Why? Your credit score is terrible.
What I need, as a woman, is financial security.
See, young girls will shoot you down and make you feel terrible about yourself.
But a cougar never disappoints.
Thanks, Mrs.
H.
- Is that a nipple ring? - Yeah.
I'm kind of rock and roll.
I need your help unclogging my bathtub drain.
The proof was in a sexual pudding.
My aboveground pool cleaning business went through the roof once I embraced my gift for music and gave these fine ladies the romance they were missing.
I also stopped beatin'people up so much.
When do we start rehearsals? Now you listen to me, you little psychopath.
My love life is hanging by a thread, and that thread is Acafellas.
It drives my girlfriend nuts in the pants.
So if you screw this up for me, I swear to you I will stick my fist so far down your throat you will taste my armpit hairs! Do I make myself clear? Good.
We rehearse Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:00.
Don't be late.
Okay.
Come on.
Dude, my bowels have better moves than you.
Guys, stop.
You guys got the steps down.
You just need to relax, okay? Um You guys play baseball, right? What does your coach tell you about hitting? - You charge the pitcher, bring the bat.
- Okay.
Um I'm sure he also tells you to relax, right? 'Cause hitting's all about the hips, right? Gotta loosen 'em up.
Just swing that bat.
All right.
Pretend Acafellas, Madison Square Garden.
Here we are.
All those beautiful ladies out there.
Swing that big ol' bat.
Bam! Hit some home runs.
All right, guys? All right.
Let's try from the top, okay? Here we go.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, get those hips into it.
Ha-ha! That's it! That's it.
All right! Uh! - That baseball thing sure was good, Mr.
Schue.
Totally.
- It was awesome.
We need to have a gayvention.
That's a gay intervention.
It's K-Kurt.
He's lady fabulous.
It's obvious you like him.
We just don't want you to get hurt by feelings he can't reciprocate.
Look, just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down low.
He wore a corset to second period today.
You can do better, Mercedes.
Really? Well, what if I can't? You know, there's not a lot of guys around here knocking down my door for a date.
Or yours, for that matter.
Nobody notices us.
Hello? We're in Glee Club.
And I'm tired of being lonely.
Aren't you? But Kurt Kurt is sweet to me and he likes who I am and I like how I feel when I'm with him.
And he's in our group.
He understands what I'm going through.
Now maybe that's not enough for you guys, but it's enough for me.
You know what, Sue? I gotta say I really misjudged you.
Getting the Cheerios to help out with the Glee Club choreographer fund-raiser is one of the nicest things I've ever seen.
Well, Erma, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this Glee Club successful.
- Come on! - Oh.
Oh, excited.
Oh, I love a car wash too, you know.
When I was little, if I got all A's, my dad would let me wash his car so I'd get my little toothbrush out, and I'd clean it all weekend long You know, the way you use your mental illness to help these kids is really inspiring.
I'm shocked you're not married.
Your rims are clean.
We polished them, like, three times already.
Did you bring a change of clothes because we're going straight to the sing-along Sound of Music.
So, listen, Kurt, this is, like, the third time we've gone out.
- Can't we just make it official? - Make what official? You know, that we're dating.
I'm sorry, Mercedes, but I thought I made it very clear.
I'm in love with someone else.
Rachel? Yes.
For several years now.
# I bust the windows out your car # #And no, it didn't mend my broken heart # # I'll probably always have these ugly scars # # But right now I don't care about that part # # I bust the windows out your car, hey # #After I saw you looking right at her# # I didn't wanna, but I took my turn # # I'm glad I did it # #'Cause you had to learn # # I must admit it helped a little bit # #To think of how you felt when you saw it # # I didn't know that I had that much strength # # But I'm glad you see what happens when # # Hah, hah, hah, hah # # I bust the windows out your car # #You know I did it 'cause I left my mark # #Wrote my initials with a crowbar # #And then I drove off into the dark # # I bust the windows out your car, hey # #You should feel lucky that that's all I did # - #A fter five whole years of this bull # - Shh #Gave you all of me and you played with it # # I bust the windows out your car # You busted my window.
How could you do that? You busted my window! Well, you busted my heart.
Hmm! Okay.
Please examine your personalized menus.
This is what you're gonna be eating for the next six months.
- Um, mine just says "coffee.
" - Mm-hmm.
- What's "smelt"? - A pungent, low carb freshwater fish.
Okay, let's start with today's business.
Artie, you're cut.
You're not trying hard enough.
- At what? - At walking.
Can't be wheeling you around during every number.
Throws off the whole dynamic, and it's depressing.
- So you're kicking him out? - Mm-hmm.
Also you.
You's gotta go, F.
A.
Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah.
You can't kick people out of Glee Club because you don't like the way they look.
Uh, why don't you shut your face gash and stay away from aerosol cans because you could burst into flames at any second.
You three.
You're great.
You're perfect.
Seriously, don't change a thing.
Uh, you Uh.
Nosejob.
- Now just hold on a second - What? What was that, Frankenteen? Why don't you, uh, wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you've been draggin' on the ground? - What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall! I feel like a woodland creature! Am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth.
But maybe you don't have the confidence to hear it.
Hmm? Maybe you need somebody who's going to lie to you and tell you things like, "You got what it takes.
" But you know what? As far as I can see, you don't.
So, why don't you just take a little second, take a breather and ask yourself, "Do I wanna be a winner" "Or not?" Screw this.
I quit.
- Me t-t-too.
- Let's roll, Artie.
No.
Great.
Great! Separate the wheat from the chaff.
That's perfect! Wait.
Barbra Streisand.
When Barbra was a young ingenue, everyone told her in order to be a star, she'd have to get a nose job.
- Thankfully, she refused.
- Where's this going, Yentl? Where it's going is that we don't need you.
Let's face it.
We're never gonna be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenaline.
We're gonna win because we're different.
And that's what makes us special.
They told J.
Lo her booty was too big.
Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed.
- Jim Abbott.
- I have no idea who that is.
He was a one-armed pitcher for the Yankees.
Pitched a no-hitter.
Okay, so Um, misfits and spaz-heads and cripples can make it too.
That's great.
What's your point? Our point is that you're fired.
And I'm taller than you.
Uh Barely.
Wait.
We have to wear mascara? Sandy says it makes our eyes pop.
Okay.
- Okay.
- There's a lot of moms out there, right? Guys, don't worry about it.
Just get in the zone, all right? This is gonna be fun.
Believe me.
You're gonna remember this night for the rest of your lives.
- Mr.
Schue? - I know.
You're nervous.
No, that isn't what I wanted to tell you.
It's just thanks for believing in me.
He's here! He's here! Josh Groban is here.
Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit.
I barfed.
- He actually showed up? I can't believe it.
- Gentlemen.
Forget every experience you have ever had in your drab little lives.
This is the most important thing you will ever do.
Places! - Ah, ticktock, you don't stop.
- Stop.
- To the ah, ticktock, you don't stop.
- Stop.
To the ah, ticktock, you don't stop.
- To the ah, ticktock - I know you're not gonna sing that song.
To the ah, ticktock, you don't stop.
To the ah, ticktock, you don't stop.
- #T o the ah, ticktock # - I know you're not gonna sing that song.
#Come inside, take off your coat # # I'll make you feel at home # #Now let's pour a glass of wine # #'Cause now we're all alone # # I've been waiting all night # #So just let me hold you close to me # #'Cause I've been dyin' for you, girl # #To make love to me # # I wanna sex you up # To the ah, ticktock, you don't stop.
To the ah, ticktock, you don't stop.
# Let me take off all your clothes # # Disconnect the phone so nobody knows, yeah # # Let me light a candle so that we can make it better # # Makin' love until we drown, yeah # #Girl, you make me feel real good # #W e can do it till we both wake up # #Girl, you know I'm hooked on you # #A nd this is what I'll do # #I wanna sex you up ## Yeah! I would like to just go into the recording studio and lay some of those tracks down.
And of course I would love to play some bigger venues Wembley Stadium, Red Rocks.
Hey, guys.
I'm Josh Groban.
This is my bodyguard, Flex.
We were in town.
I was inducting Run-D.
M.
C.
Into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night so I thought I'd stop by and say hello.
- So which one of you is, uh, Sandy? - Ooh! Mr.
Groban, we are so honored that you came here today.
- I came here to tell you - Yes, sir.
Stop e-mailing me.
This is a restraining order.
Stop sending me nude photos.
Stop calling me! I don't know how you got my number, how you got my number again after I changed it but I don't want any more of your edible gift baskets or locks of your hair.
And I don't wanna read any more of those sonnets you wrote for me.
- That stuff got crazy, dude.
- Are we clear? - Mmm.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
And, by the way, great show.
I mean, like explosive.
Thanks.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, Will.
I I could have been more supportive.
You guys are actually pretty good.
Honey, you were good.
You were really good.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Come here.
Don't bother.
She's already pregnant.
Hey, kids.
Have you seen Doodle? Now, you might be thinking, why would a pop star like me come over here and talk to you? But let me tell you something.
Throngs of screaming teenagers don't do it forJosh Groban.
No.
Josh Groban loves a blowsy alcoholic.
Oh.
Wow.
You'll have to forgive me.
I'm a little bit drunk and I'm afraid I'm not making good choices right now.
Maybe she slipped and hit her head again.
You guys kicked some serious tail up there tonight.
- Sorry about the wholeJosh Groban thing.
- No, that's all right.
How are the other guys takin' it? That Ryerson guy cried himself to sleep in Figgins's arms and Ken Tanaka is raiding the nacho bar.
What about you? You okay? You know what, Dad? I am.
I mean, this was all a dream come true, but I'm a teacher, and a really good one.
- That's enough for me.
- I know.
I saw the way your students look at you.
You inspire people.
- Inspired me.
- What do you mean? I'm going to law school.
Night classes for now, until I get all of my prerequisites.
But I registered yesterday.
You made me realize it's never too late to grow a pair and go after your dream.
That's amazing.
That's so amazing.
Hey, Kurt.
I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry I did that to your car.
I'll pay for it to get fixed.
It's okay.
My dad took my baby away after he found my tiara collection in my hope chest.
And I just wanted to say, I hope it works out between you and Rachel you'll have really cute, loud babies.
Mercedes.
I lied to you.
L-I don't like Rachel.
I'm gay.
Why didn't you just tell me? Because I've never told anyone before.
You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Kurt.
You should just tell people, especially the kids in Glee.
The whole point of the club is about expressing what's really inside you.
Remember? I can't.
I'm just not that confident, I guess.
Let me get this straight.
The Glee Club got rid of Dakota Stanley Mr.
Schuester's back and they're busy at work on a new number, more confident than ever.
And down, clap, and up, clap, clap.
Down, clap, and up, clap, clap.
This is what we call a total disaster, ladies.
I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits.
That's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office.
I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.
No! No! - Miss Sylvester, I wanna thank you.
- For what? For teaching me a valuable life lesson.
When you really believe in yourself you don't have to bring other people down.
Uh, uh, step-ball-change and head.
Step-ball-change and head.
Low and high.
Low and high.
- Uh.
What do you guys think? - Mr.
Schuester? Yes, Rachel? It was really good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
From the top!