Glee s02e11 Episode Script
The Sue Sylvester Shuffle (66 min)
# I know a place # # Where the grass is really greener # # Warm, wet and wild # # There must be something in the water # # You could travel the world # # But nothing comes close to the Golden Coast # # California gurls We're undeniable # # Fine, fresh, fierce We got it on lock # # West Coast represent Now put your hands up # # Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # California # # California gurls ## I'm bored.
Ladies, I am at a loss.
Brittany, please remind me of how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map.
In 1979, you directed a made-for-TV movie about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders called The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
That is correct, and in the meantime, what's changed? Personal grooming habits? What's changed is I have completely lost interest and, ladies, I blame you.
- Becky, more silicone falsies.
- Got it, Coach.
You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine I have ever witnessed.
But, Coach Sylvester, this is the most elaborate routine the Cheerios have ever done.
We're shoo-ins at regionals next week, and we're the favorite to win at nationals.
Yet I am still so very bored! Even things I used to think were hilarious Case in point: Sandbags slap yourself with a chicken cutlet.
Now slap Brittany.
See? Not even a chuckle.
The problem is you keep trying to make a bigger and bigger spectacle.
No matter how hard we try, we can't make a routine work unless you find a way to make it interesting for you.
You have to find a way to top yourself.
Q, you just may have a point.
But to be sure, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet.
Okay.
Here we go.
All right.
I just want to take a minute to tell you guys how proud of you I am.
We didn't even have to win this game to go to championship next week but nobody took it off.
And when we take a knee, we're gonna finish first in conference for the first time in McKinley history.
- Football is back, bitches! - Yeah! Maybe we should all break out into a song after we win.
- Hey, hey.
Shut it, Karofsky.
- No fricking way.
I figure if I stay on you, you'll run away like your little butt buddy Hummel.
That's funny, Karofsky, how you're calling everybody gay all the time but you never seem to have a girlfriend.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I really hope that linebacker doesn't get the jump on me.
I bet it would hurt like hell to get sacked by him.
- Ready! - Break! All right.
Slot left on one.
- Ready, break! - Break! Come on, boys.
Let's go.
Go, Titans! - Whoo! - Let's go! Let's do it! Down! Set! Whoo! Hut! Go, go, go, go, go! Nice hands.
What a joke.
What the hell happened? - Finn, you're the captain.
Talk! - Karofsky sucks! That's what happened! That's crap.
Hudson's a fricking girl and couldn't take a joke about his precious Glee Club.
Because I'm sick of you guys getting down on us for it! We're in Glee Club.
What's the big deal? It's embarrassing.
We're dudes.
Getting all hot and bothered about singing a Kesha song.
It's freakin' weird.
Maybe you'll think it's cooler when I go all Tik Tok on your face.
Bring it, Puckerman.
Stop that now! That's enough! Look.
Championship game or not, I am not blocking for him.
- Get the hell out of here! - Fine.
- Go! - Good! Bunch of babies! Dear journal, I am in crisis.
Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore.
Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe.
Here I am, 31, and already a legend.
What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss.
Last week I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something.
Wait.
It's "Syvlester," right? Sue "Syvlester"? How do I make things interesting again? How do I get those juices flowing? Purring.]
That's it.
This here is the A950.
You say this could shoot someone across a football field? Oh, several football fields- if you pack in enough explosives.
Of course, that would be incredibly unsafe.
You see, if you wanted to go for more than, say, 50 yards you're looking at about a 70% chance of catastrophic failure.
Which is a 30% chance of catastrophic success.
- This is the button, right? - No, no, no! No! You know, I try to make it a habit of not touching carny folk but, fella, I'll take it.
- Okay.
- You got a smaller one? Well, I'll check stock.
I'm back.
I was going through my bucket list, and I noticed you were the only Glee loser that I haven't Slusheed yet.
Damn near broke his heart.
Well, what about the moral implications of abusing a kid in a wheelchair? I say equal opportunity for all.
This stuff between the jocks and the Glee Club has been going on since I started running the club.
Maybe.
Just seems like it's so much worse right now.
I've won division championships at three different schools.
You have to understand what winning means to a community.
Grades go up, the streets are cleaner.
Crime goes down.
It's a sense of pride, of unity and this school deserves that.
And you are gonna get it for us.
I mean, you won almost every game this year.
Winning conference was easy.
The team we're up against for championship they're much better than us.
If you don't have the talent, you rely on the chemistry.
They don't have to like each other, but they have to respect each other.
This whole thing is just so weird.
I mean, half of your starters are in my Glee Club.
I just don't know what to do.
- Do you trust me? - You're not gonna try and kiss me again, are ya? If you trust me I think I know a way to get your team united again.
- Really fast.
- Four, five, six Oh, my God.
Artie.
It was awful.
That's it.
Screw rehearsal.
This ends here and now.
We're gonna go all Thunderdome on those guys.
So this is what the ladies' lounge looks like on the inside.
This is the choir room.
Now put up your fists because you and I are gonna do some dancing.
- No, I got this, Sam.
- Coach Beiste told us to come.
Where is she? Watch it.
- Everyone have a seat.
- You too, guys.
All right.
New Directions, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club.
What? Oh, hell to the no, Mr.
Schue.
Are you serious? Hey, hey.
Come on.
- Hey.
Mr.
Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer.
And there's no way that I am sharing the choir room with a known homophobe.
I don't disagree with you guys, but I talked to Coach Beiste about it and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance.
Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee Club is kind of cool.
You know, find some common ground.
All of you are gonna be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions.
She's bluffing.
Next week is the championship game.
Without us, she has no team.
With you, I have no team.
You guys have gotta find a way to come together or we're gonna get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat.
If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes.
That is the music of my oppressors.
- Do you even have any idea what we do in here? - No.
None of them do.
We have to show them.
Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? - Why don't you give it a whirl? - Fine.
As offended as I am by their presence here I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.
# Picture-perfect memories # # Scattered all around the floor # # Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore # # And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind # # For me it happens all the time # # It's a quarter after 1:00 # # I'm all alone and I need you now # # Said I wouldn't call # # But I lost all control and I need you now # # And I don't know how I can do without # # I just need you now # # Another shot of whiskey Can't stop looking at the door # # Wishing you'd come sweepin' in the way you did before # # And I wonder if I ever cross your mind # # For me it happens all the time # # It's a quarter after 1:00 # # I'm all alone and I need you now # # And I said I wouldn't call # # But I'm a little drunk and I need you now # # And I don't know how I can do without # # I just need you now ## Whoo! Whoo! The girl with the Mohawk had a really nice voice.
- That's funny.
- That's good, man.
That's good.
Hey.
- Great first day, right? - Awesome! Hey.
Hey.
We used to be best friends.
Before I got your girlfriend pregnant and then made out with your other girlfriend.
- Right.
- Anyways I gotta be honest.
I really want to win this game and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get any respect around here.
- What's your point? - My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again.
Like Maverick and Iceman at the end of Top Gun.
So why'd you sing that duet with Rachel? I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous.
Nothing like that will ever happen again.
You lead, and I got your back.
We need to win this championship and become legends.
Ladies my "Sueclear" weapon.
Becky.
Brittany.
Climb on up.
Congratulations.
You're doing the stunt for the big competition.
I don't want to die yet.
At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled.
Fine.
To put your toddler-fist sized mind at rest we'll do one final test run.
Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.
Don't worry.
I'll talk to Mr.
Schue and take care of this.
Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous.
Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is! Cheerleading is a sport.
There are dangers involved.
It's the same as when a quarterback is sacked or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards.
Enough, Sue! There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk! I'm a tastemaker, Will.
I know what an audience wants.
You're not going to take this away from me.
I need this.
This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.
But the risk and danger isn't to you! - That's the best part! - Enough.
It's decided.
You're not allowed to fire anyone out of that cannon without their consent! Huh.
It's coming out of your paycheck! Every penny of it! - Oh, God.
- That's a lawsuit.
I'm telling you.
I wish you could have seen it.
It was sort of like that.
What the hell are you doing? I'm sending a message.
Sue Sylvester's done playing nice.
I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game.
Congratulations.
You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders.
Sue! What the crap are we gonna do now? I got it.
- No fricking way.
- We don't have a choice.
Sue pulled the Cheerios from the game, so if we don't do it, there's no halftime show.
- And this is a problem because? - It's not a problem.
It's an opportunity.
- Opportunity to humiliate ourselves.
- Hey.
The whole point of this week was to bring you guys together.
To bring the school together.
Wait.
So you want us to play the first half change into some "sequine" ball gowns and then go out and do the halftime show at our own championship game? - Yes.
- It's the championship game! This is a crazy town! This is crazy! What about the Cheerios in Glee Club? They have a choice.
Us, or the Cheerios competition.
Well, obviously Quinn is gonna choose the Cheerios.
Well, that's not fair.
You don't know what she's gonna do.
I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time the Super Bowl of pop anthems: - "Thriller.
" - Oh! Yeah! Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of "Thriller" and put it on YouTube? Now, in the four months it took to rehearse that number prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%.
Doing that, together, as a team created a unity within that prison.
And that's what I'm looking to do here.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
You know, I'm big on Michael and everything but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do? Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' equally spooky single "Heads Will Roll.
" - Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah? - All right.
New Directions, Titans we're going to zombie camp.
Five, six, seven, eight! Time-out, time-out, time-out.
- Back off! - - Hey! Knock it off! Okay, guys.
It's good, but let's put a little life into it.
- But we're dead.
- Then put some afterlife into it.
So get out of your heads and get into your characters.
All right? Very creative.
I like that.
Five, six, seven, eight.
All right.
Nice progress, guys.
Let's take a breather, and I'll see you in the choir room in five minutes for a lesson in zombie makeup.
- Makeup? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Hey, Dave.
Talk to you for a sec? Look.
I know I'm bad.
Can you just spare me so we can get through this? That's not what I was gonna say at all.
You're actually really good.
If you took that energy you used bullying people and put it into this you'd be one of the most talented guys in the school.
Just think about it.
Okay.
That's good.
artist.
- Awesome.
- Brilliant.
- Yeah.
Looks like worms.
That's actually decent.
- I need to talk to you.
- Can we not fight for just one day, man? It's already hard enough not to kick you in the nuts every time I see you.
You think maybe we should do a warm-up number or something before we do that big "Thriller" thing at halftime? You know, I figure the only way I'm gonna keep any street cred around here after dancing around like an idiot in front of the whole school is if we kick ass at it.
Uh, yeah.
Couldn't agree more.
Zombie camp was funner than I expected.
And the Glee Club together with the football team- it's like a double rainbow.
- A zombie double rainbow.
- What the hell are we gonna do? If we go to our cheerleading competition then we miss the halftime show and we're out of Glee Club.
- I'm torn.
- Well, I'm not.
I'm Brittany.
Couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
- What were you doing in there? - Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.
m.
ninja poops.
Well, I typed these up for you ladies requiring your signature tendering your resignation from the Glee Club.
Oh, and, Brittany, here's a note for you handwritten and in crayon, from the human cannon saying how much it misses you.
Coach, that cannon is gonna get Brittany killed.
Is that really worth it just to win a stupid national championship? Seventh consecutive stupid national championship.
- This is ridiculous.
- You had quite a year last year, Q.
And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of that Cheerios uniform.
Ladies, I am giving you the chance right now to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie.
Choose the Cheerios or choose the Glee Club! How the hell could you do this? Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn.
What were we supposed to do? Uh, quit Cheerios.
Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys.
And don't forget who was there for you the last time she dumped you on your ass.
Us.
Glee Club.
And you don't think that I feel awful about that? - You don't need to be a Cheerio to be cool.
- Oh, you are so naive.
- This whole school is about labels.
- Wow.
I never realized you were so freaking weak.
- Oh.
- What did you say? - All the Cheerios quit Glee Club.
- So why are you yelling at my girlfriend about it? I'm yelling at her because I'm the leader of this team.
- Maybe it's time for a change at the top.
- What's that supposed to mean? This is kind of hot actually.
It means that maybe the reason everyone hates us is because we need some new leadership.
Face it.
You've had your feet in both worlds for a year and never been able to bring them together.
- Maybe someone else could.
- What? As in maybe you? - As in yes.
- Maybe we should settle this right now.
Bring it.
Brung.
- You want some more of that? You like that, huh? - Really, guys? Really? Hey, hey! How many fights do I have to break up this week? Now calm down! And get back to Glee Club.
Come on.
Hope to see you there.
# Well, no one told me about her # # The way she lied # # Well, no one told me about her # # How many people cried # # But it's too late to say you're sorry # # How would I know? Why should I care? # # Please don't bother trying to find her # # She's not there # # Well, let me tell you 'bout the way she looked # # The way she'd act and the color of her hair # # Her voice was soft and cool Her eyes were clear and bright # # But she's not there # # Well, no one told me about her # # What could I do? # # Well, no one told me about her # # Though they all knew # # But it's too late to say you're sorry # # How would I know? Why should I care? # # Please don't bother trying to find her # # She's not there # # Well, let me tell you 'bout the way she looked # # The way she'd act and the color of her hair # # Her voice was soft and cool Her eyes were clear and bright # # But she's not there ## Yeah! - Yeah! - Whoo! Okay! - Guys.
- Real good.
Awesome! Seriously.
All you football players nailing that Zombies classic on the first time out.
I am impressed.
Appropriate outfits.
They represent the death of your guys's reign at this school.
How many times do we have to put you puck-heads in your place before you realize that football rules the school? Maybe.
But not after you make dancing fools of yourself at that halftime show.
You know it, and we know it.
The whole school knows it.
They'll think different after they see it.
It's gonna be awesome! Holy crap! They turned Karofsky gay.
What are you moose knuckles doing with those Slushees? Ready for the fireworks? It's Independence Day.
Ow! My eyes! Burning.
Just relax.
It stops after a couple hours.
No fricking way I'm letting that happen again.
He's in the first stage of loserdom: denial.
No! I am not a loser.
And I don't sing and dance.
I walk tall and carry a big stick! Dude.
Relax.
This is gonna be fine.
Yeah.
Of course it is.
'Cause I'm quitting Glee Club.
No, you're not.
Fact is, covered in ice and red dye number seven you guys look more like a team than you ever have out on that field.
- I don't care.
I'm out.
- Then you're off the team.
- No way.
- Yeah.
If we all quit, you barely have enough guys to play next week.
- It's the championship game.
You're not gonna throw it away.
- Try me.
Don't do this.
If we stand together, we do the halftime show we can win this game and be kings in this place.
Good luck with that.
# At first we started out real cool # # Taking me places I ain't never been # # But now you're getting comfortable and doing those things you did no more # # You're slowly making me pay for things your money should be handling # # And now you ask to use my car # # Car # # Driving all day and don't fill up the tank # # And you have the audacity to even come and step to me # # Ask to hold some money from me until you get your check next week # # You triflin', good-for-nothin' type of brother # # Silly me Why haven't I found another? # # A baller, When times get hard, I need someone to help me out # # Instead of a scrub like you who don't know what a man's about # # Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? # # Do you pay my "automo-bills"? # # If you did, then maybe we could chill # # I don't think you do # # So you and me are through # # You triflin', good-for-nothin' type of brother # # Silly me Why haven't I found another? # # A baller, When times get hard, I need someone to help me out # # Instead of a scrub like you who don't know what a man's about # # Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? # - # Do you pay my "automo-bills"? # - # Can you pay my bills? # - # If you did, then maybe we could chill # - # I don't think you do, no # - # So # - # So you and me are through # # You triflin', good-for-nothin' type of brother # # Silly me Why haven't I found another? # # You triflin', good-for-nothin' type of brother # # Oh, silly me Why haven't I found another? # # Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? # # Do you pay my "automo-bills"? # # Pay my telephone, telephone bills # # I don't think you do # # So you and me are through # # Can you pay my bills? # - # Oh, no # - # Can you pay my telephone bills? # - # Do you pay my "automo-bills"? # - # Can you pay my bills? # # If you did, then maybe we could chill # # Said I don't think you do No, no # - # So you and me are through # - # So you and me are through ## Guys, I'd say we're ready for regionals.
- Medium drip.
- That would be me.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Now, I don't want to sound cocky or anything but you guys better be pulling out all the stops for regionals because the number we just rehearsed is so off the hook, it's dangerous.
Seriously.
People should wear protective head gear when they're watching it.
- Guys, we're kidding.
- Yeah, well it's just hard to laugh right now with everything going on at McKinley.
I mean, look at us.
The stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee? Our school is so messed up we can't even keep our own football team together.
It's so sad, you guys.
Coach Beiste and Mr.
Schue were so close to getting everyone at the school together.
Why hasn't Finn told me anything about this? I mean, we live together.
I bring him a glass of warm milk every night, just in hopes that we'll have a little lady chat.
- Warm milk? Really? - It's delicious.
Finn's too proud to complain.
He feels like he has to be strong for everyone but I know it's just killing him inside.
I hope he realizes that, you know, if he and I were still together I could make him feel a lot better, you know.
Let it go, Rachel.
I-I just wish that there was a way that we could help.
That's all.
Yeah.
And the worst part is how bummed the guys are.
They already suffer enough abuse just being in Glee.
I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure- at least for a little while.
- Wait.
So the whole team quit? - Everybody not in Glee.
You can't play football with five guys, and one of them is in a wheelchair.
Yeah.
Coach Beiste put up a sign-up sheet for people to join.
I think they'll take anyone at this point.
Well, the good news is you actually only need four more guys.
High school regulations actually let you play a couple guys short if you want to.
But if they figure out a way to make it work you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer them on.
Oh, totally.
Blaine and I love football.
Well, Blaine loves football.
I love scarves.
I cut 30 guys when we had tryouts at the beginning of the season.
You're telling me not one of those guys wants to play? It's like crossing a picket line.
Nobody wants to be a scab.
I guess we should go break it to 'em.
Why can't we just let them back on the team just for this game? No.
We carry this thing through even if it means having to forfeit the game.
I can't believe this is it.
Maybe it isn't.
We want to join the team.
- "We" who? - All of us Glee girls.
We want to join the football team and we want to play in the championship.
Come on, guys.
Stop screwing around.
- It's not cool.
- What's not cool is you guys not respecting women enough to realize we're perfectly capable of playing football.
And don't forget who the state champ in Greco-Roman wrestling is.
I've got offers from three different professional wrestling organizations for after I graduate, so Rachel, have you actually seen a tackle football game? When they tackle you, it hurts.
Yeah, and not in the good Mellencamp way.
We thought about that, but the truth is, is that you guys don't really need us to play.
You just need enough players out there to field a regulation team.
So when they snap the ball, we're just gonna lie down on the ground.
- We're just gonna lie there.
- I'm not.
I'm gonna bring the pain.
I guess they won't get hurt if you stay down.
Okay, what do your parents have to say about this? We all have signed permission slips from them.
It took some convincing, but they understood what it means to all of us.
What do you think, Coach? I think - Welcome to the football team.
- Yes! Yeah! Football team! Football team! High five, teammate! I just don't want to die.
You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all boom-boom and no pow.
And that, Brittany, is so 2000, and late.
Here's your consent form.
And as you ponder your decision I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home and one more on the way.
And if you refuse to sign this well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry.
Baby cannons? And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work.
Do you want us to win, or don't you? - How many M's are there in the letter "R"? - Make an "X.
" It's not too late.
To commit social suicide? How the hell you gonna play with five guys, huh? You have got to be kidding me.
What the hell are they doin'? What you don't have the balls to do.
Stupid.
Whoo! - I'm excited! - Yeah! Are you ready for this? - Let's kick some ass! - Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Punch and Judy on one.
- Ready, break! - Break! Who's Judy? All right.
Let's go! - Where do I go? - You go right down here.
What do I do? Yeah.
Like that.
Okay.
You're gonna die.
Blue 42! Blue 42! Down! Set! Hut! Damn it! What's wrong out there? - Is it over? - What happened? All right.
How's everyone doing? Kill me now.
I want to die.
Is anyone else tired of lying down all the time? I want to play.
Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay? Ready, break! All right, guys.
Let's go.
Down.
- The blitz! The blitz! Watch! - Set! Hut! - Pick it up! - Get the ball! Get the ball! Get the ball! Come on! Get it! Get it! Run! Run! Run! Yeah! Go! Run, girl! - Whoo, whoo! - Go! Go! Go, go! Go.
Tina.
Is she breathing? Did we win? Yeah! - We're still in this.
- Give it up, Finn.
Our only shot at redemption right now is to kick butt at the halftime show.
Sam.
Come here.
- I need you to play quarterback for the rest of the half.
- Okay.
Puck, when the half ends, you gotta go convince Karofsky and the rest of the guys to do the halftime show with us.
How the hell am I supposed to do that? Figure it out.
You're my wingman, right? I got tone, Mav.
- Where are you going? - Can't have a halftime show without cheerleaders.
I'm gonna die.
It'll be worth it.
Hey! - What are you doing here? - Stopping you from going to Sue's regionals competition.
You guys gotta come to the game with me.
Haven't you been paying attention? If we're not Cheerios, we're nothing.
You think that, but it's not true.
You joined Cheerios to be popular but you joined Glee Club because you loved it.
Sue doesn't care about you guys.
She's fine killing Brittany.
Tell me honestly.
If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation which would you choose? Glee Club.
I know you.
And you don't think you are, but you're strong enough to do this.
Okay.
Okay? Okay.
- What about you, Santana? - Screw her.
She put me on the bottom of the pyramid.
Come on.
We've only got a few minutes.
No time for a foursome, ladies.
Bus leaves in five.
We quit Cheerios.
You can't quit Cheerios.
It's blood in, blood out.
Now get your sweet little cans on that bus.
But we still quit.
You're my stars.
If you leave I have no performance! Sucks for you.
Looking good out there, Puck.
You know what? I don't want to hear it, Karofsky.
I don't want to hear it from any of you.
You're all a bunch of cowards.
- Coward losers! - Yeah, you're the only loser losing this game.
You know, this is it.
This is the moment of our lives.
This is the one we can actually look back and tell our children about.
This is our moment to actually win something.
And you guys are sitting in the damn stands.
I mean, you're so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay that you settle for being nothing.
Come on.
We still have a whole half to play.
And we can win this, guys.
I know it.
What's the point, man? Beiste isn't gonna let us play.
She will if you come out and perform at the halftime show.
I'm in.
- Me too.
- No way.
Come on, man.
I really want to win this game.
It would mean so much to my dad, man.
Forget it, okay? Glee Club sucks.
Fine.
Karofsky's out.
Whatever.
But the rest of you need to get in your zombie makeup and hit the field tout de suite.
Come on.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! # Off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head # # It's close to midnight # # And something evil's lurking in the dark # # Under the moonlight # # You see a sight that almost stops your heart # # You try to scream # # But terror takes the sound before you make it # # Heads will roll # # You start to freeze # # As horror looks you right between the eyes # # You're paralyzed # # 'Cause this is thriller # # Thriller night # # And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike # # You know it's thriller # # Thriller night # # You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight # # Off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # Darkness falls across the land # # The midnight hour is close at hand # # Creatures crawl in search of blood # # To terrorize y'all's neighborhood # - # Off with your head # - # And though you fight to stay alive # - # Dance till you're dead # - # Your body starts to shiver # - # For no mere mortal can resist # - # Heads will roll # - # Heads will roll # - # The evil of the thriller # # 'Cause this is thriller # # Thriller night # # Girl, I can thrill you more than any ghost could ever dare try # - # Thriller # - # Ooh, ooh # # Thriller night # # So let me hold you tight # - # And share a killer, thriller # - # Ow! # # Off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head ## # O-Off, off, off with your head ## Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby! - Oh! Oh! - Hey.
What are you guys doin' in here? Oh, we were gonna take our zombie makeup off for the second half.
It's kind of itchy.
No.
Leave it on.
Maybe we'll freak out the other guys a little bit and we need all the help we can get right now.
- Well, get out there.
- All of us? Yeah.
All of us.
Yeah! Yeah! - Let's go! - Welcome back, boy.
Get out there.
Yeah.
We're scared.
Defense! Yeah! - Ready, break! - Let's go, guys! Let's go! Twenty-two! Ten, hut, hut! Defense, get him! Yes! Someone bit me! One of those zombies bit me! See that? That's my boy! Down.
Set.
Hut one! Block 59! Get on 59! You.
- That was awesome, man.
- Nice block.
- Nice throw.
- Yeah, man.
Time-out! Bring it home! It was a good run.
We almost had it.
- Hey.
This game isn't over.
- There's, like, 10 seconds left.
It's over.
Not if the quarterback fumbles the snap.
All the way, baby! Here's what we're gonna do.
Ready, break! Break! Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
- Brains.
- Brains.
Brains.
Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! - Brains! - Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! So tell me, Sue.
How are you holding up? I'm hanging in there.
Thank you.
I know it's painful, but can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship landing you this interview as "Loser of the Year"? - I thought this was The 10 Most Fascinating - That's Barbara Walters.
In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson the housing market Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone nine percent unemployment and Sparky Lohan who is Dina Lohan's dog, and apparently also a loser.
- How do you cope with that? - I've been drinking a lot of bleach.
Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes was it really worth it? Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.
And how do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios budget is going to the Glee Club? - I'm sorry? - Let's take a look.
Whoop.
Sorry.
After a little song and dance to support the arts I sat down with McKinley Glee Club director, Will Schuester.
I have to say I'm thrilled.
Sue got what was coming to her.
And now we don't have to hold a bake sale to pay for the bus to regionals.
Thoughts? I hate you, Diane Sawyer.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Congrats on the M.
V.
P.
- Oh, thanks.
It was a team effort.
So, listen.
Uh, there's no way the Glee Club's gonna let you join permanently until you clean things up with Kurt.
So, I was thinking maybe we could go together to Dalton and apologize to him, if Who said I wanted to join the Glee Club permanently? I just thought, after this week, and-and - the way we won the game, and the way you came out to dance- - What do you think? We all dance around together and win a football game and everything's gonna change? Glee Club's gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippie peace songs every morning? Maybe.
I-I don't know.
It's a start.
No.
Dude, it's a finish.
Okay, this is high school.
People's memories for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status.
We got a chance to really change things here, dude.
I just won the conference championship.
I'm on top.
Why would I want to change things? Hey.
Hi.
I never got a chance to thank you for helping me do the right thing.
Ah, you would have come to it on your own soon enough.
- So how does it feel being out of the uniform? - Weird.
Did turn a couple of heads.
You were amazing this week.
On the field and off.
It reminded me of why I loved you.
English - US - SDH
Ladies, I am at a loss.
Brittany, please remind me of how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map.
In 1979, you directed a made-for-TV movie about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders called The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
That is correct, and in the meantime, what's changed? Personal grooming habits? What's changed is I have completely lost interest and, ladies, I blame you.
- Becky, more silicone falsies.
- Got it, Coach.
You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine I have ever witnessed.
But, Coach Sylvester, this is the most elaborate routine the Cheerios have ever done.
We're shoo-ins at regionals next week, and we're the favorite to win at nationals.
Yet I am still so very bored! Even things I used to think were hilarious Case in point: Sandbags slap yourself with a chicken cutlet.
Now slap Brittany.
See? Not even a chuckle.
The problem is you keep trying to make a bigger and bigger spectacle.
No matter how hard we try, we can't make a routine work unless you find a way to make it interesting for you.
You have to find a way to top yourself.
Q, you just may have a point.
But to be sure, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet.
Okay.
Here we go.
All right.
I just want to take a minute to tell you guys how proud of you I am.
We didn't even have to win this game to go to championship next week but nobody took it off.
And when we take a knee, we're gonna finish first in conference for the first time in McKinley history.
- Football is back, bitches! - Yeah! Maybe we should all break out into a song after we win.
- Hey, hey.
Shut it, Karofsky.
- No fricking way.
I figure if I stay on you, you'll run away like your little butt buddy Hummel.
That's funny, Karofsky, how you're calling everybody gay all the time but you never seem to have a girlfriend.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I really hope that linebacker doesn't get the jump on me.
I bet it would hurt like hell to get sacked by him.
- Ready! - Break! All right.
Slot left on one.
- Ready, break! - Break! Come on, boys.
Let's go.
Go, Titans! - Whoo! - Let's go! Let's do it! Down! Set! Whoo! Hut! Go, go, go, go, go! Nice hands.
What a joke.
What the hell happened? - Finn, you're the captain.
Talk! - Karofsky sucks! That's what happened! That's crap.
Hudson's a fricking girl and couldn't take a joke about his precious Glee Club.
Because I'm sick of you guys getting down on us for it! We're in Glee Club.
What's the big deal? It's embarrassing.
We're dudes.
Getting all hot and bothered about singing a Kesha song.
It's freakin' weird.
Maybe you'll think it's cooler when I go all Tik Tok on your face.
Bring it, Puckerman.
Stop that now! That's enough! Look.
Championship game or not, I am not blocking for him.
- Get the hell out of here! - Fine.
- Go! - Good! Bunch of babies! Dear journal, I am in crisis.
Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore.
Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe.
Here I am, 31, and already a legend.
What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss.
Last week I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something.
Wait.
It's "Syvlester," right? Sue "Syvlester"? How do I make things interesting again? How do I get those juices flowing? Purring.]
That's it.
This here is the A950.
You say this could shoot someone across a football field? Oh, several football fields- if you pack in enough explosives.
Of course, that would be incredibly unsafe.
You see, if you wanted to go for more than, say, 50 yards you're looking at about a 70% chance of catastrophic failure.
Which is a 30% chance of catastrophic success.
- This is the button, right? - No, no, no! No! You know, I try to make it a habit of not touching carny folk but, fella, I'll take it.
- Okay.
- You got a smaller one? Well, I'll check stock.
I'm back.
I was going through my bucket list, and I noticed you were the only Glee loser that I haven't Slusheed yet.
Damn near broke his heart.
Well, what about the moral implications of abusing a kid in a wheelchair? I say equal opportunity for all.
This stuff between the jocks and the Glee Club has been going on since I started running the club.
Maybe.
Just seems like it's so much worse right now.
I've won division championships at three different schools.
You have to understand what winning means to a community.
Grades go up, the streets are cleaner.
Crime goes down.
It's a sense of pride, of unity and this school deserves that.
And you are gonna get it for us.
I mean, you won almost every game this year.
Winning conference was easy.
The team we're up against for championship they're much better than us.
If you don't have the talent, you rely on the chemistry.
They don't have to like each other, but they have to respect each other.
This whole thing is just so weird.
I mean, half of your starters are in my Glee Club.
I just don't know what to do.
- Do you trust me? - You're not gonna try and kiss me again, are ya? If you trust me I think I know a way to get your team united again.
- Really fast.
- Four, five, six Oh, my God.
Artie.
It was awful.
That's it.
Screw rehearsal.
This ends here and now.
We're gonna go all Thunderdome on those guys.
So this is what the ladies' lounge looks like on the inside.
This is the choir room.
Now put up your fists because you and I are gonna do some dancing.
- No, I got this, Sam.
- Coach Beiste told us to come.
Where is she? Watch it.
- Everyone have a seat.
- You too, guys.
All right.
New Directions, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club.
What? Oh, hell to the no, Mr.
Schue.
Are you serious? Hey, hey.
Come on.
- Hey.
Mr.
Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer.
And there's no way that I am sharing the choir room with a known homophobe.
I don't disagree with you guys, but I talked to Coach Beiste about it and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance.
Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee Club is kind of cool.
You know, find some common ground.
All of you are gonna be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions.
She's bluffing.
Next week is the championship game.
Without us, she has no team.
With you, I have no team.
You guys have gotta find a way to come together or we're gonna get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat.
If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes.
That is the music of my oppressors.
- Do you even have any idea what we do in here? - No.
None of them do.
We have to show them.
Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? - Why don't you give it a whirl? - Fine.
As offended as I am by their presence here I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.
# Picture-perfect memories # # Scattered all around the floor # # Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore # # And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind # # For me it happens all the time # # It's a quarter after 1:00 # # I'm all alone and I need you now # # Said I wouldn't call # # But I lost all control and I need you now # # And I don't know how I can do without # # I just need you now # # Another shot of whiskey Can't stop looking at the door # # Wishing you'd come sweepin' in the way you did before # # And I wonder if I ever cross your mind # # For me it happens all the time # # It's a quarter after 1:00 # # I'm all alone and I need you now # # And I said I wouldn't call # # But I'm a little drunk and I need you now # # And I don't know how I can do without # # I just need you now ## Whoo! Whoo! The girl with the Mohawk had a really nice voice.
- That's funny.
- That's good, man.
That's good.
Hey.
- Great first day, right? - Awesome! Hey.
Hey.
We used to be best friends.
Before I got your girlfriend pregnant and then made out with your other girlfriend.
- Right.
- Anyways I gotta be honest.
I really want to win this game and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get any respect around here.
- What's your point? - My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again.
Like Maverick and Iceman at the end of Top Gun.
So why'd you sing that duet with Rachel? I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous.
Nothing like that will ever happen again.
You lead, and I got your back.
We need to win this championship and become legends.
Ladies my "Sueclear" weapon.
Becky.
Brittany.
Climb on up.
Congratulations.
You're doing the stunt for the big competition.
I don't want to die yet.
At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled.
Fine.
To put your toddler-fist sized mind at rest we'll do one final test run.
Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.
Don't worry.
I'll talk to Mr.
Schue and take care of this.
Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous.
Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is! Cheerleading is a sport.
There are dangers involved.
It's the same as when a quarterback is sacked or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards.
Enough, Sue! There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk! I'm a tastemaker, Will.
I know what an audience wants.
You're not going to take this away from me.
I need this.
This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.
But the risk and danger isn't to you! - That's the best part! - Enough.
It's decided.
You're not allowed to fire anyone out of that cannon without their consent! Huh.
It's coming out of your paycheck! Every penny of it! - Oh, God.
- That's a lawsuit.
I'm telling you.
I wish you could have seen it.
It was sort of like that.
What the hell are you doing? I'm sending a message.
Sue Sylvester's done playing nice.
I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game.
Congratulations.
You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders.
Sue! What the crap are we gonna do now? I got it.
- No fricking way.
- We don't have a choice.
Sue pulled the Cheerios from the game, so if we don't do it, there's no halftime show.
- And this is a problem because? - It's not a problem.
It's an opportunity.
- Opportunity to humiliate ourselves.
- Hey.
The whole point of this week was to bring you guys together.
To bring the school together.
Wait.
So you want us to play the first half change into some "sequine" ball gowns and then go out and do the halftime show at our own championship game? - Yes.
- It's the championship game! This is a crazy town! This is crazy! What about the Cheerios in Glee Club? They have a choice.
Us, or the Cheerios competition.
Well, obviously Quinn is gonna choose the Cheerios.
Well, that's not fair.
You don't know what she's gonna do.
I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time the Super Bowl of pop anthems: - "Thriller.
" - Oh! Yeah! Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of "Thriller" and put it on YouTube? Now, in the four months it took to rehearse that number prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%.
Doing that, together, as a team created a unity within that prison.
And that's what I'm looking to do here.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
You know, I'm big on Michael and everything but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do? Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' equally spooky single "Heads Will Roll.
" - Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah? - All right.
New Directions, Titans we're going to zombie camp.
Five, six, seven, eight! Time-out, time-out, time-out.
- Back off! - - Hey! Knock it off! Okay, guys.
It's good, but let's put a little life into it.
- But we're dead.
- Then put some afterlife into it.
So get out of your heads and get into your characters.
All right? Very creative.
I like that.
Five, six, seven, eight.
All right.
Nice progress, guys.
Let's take a breather, and I'll see you in the choir room in five minutes for a lesson in zombie makeup.
- Makeup? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Hey, Dave.
Talk to you for a sec? Look.
I know I'm bad.
Can you just spare me so we can get through this? That's not what I was gonna say at all.
You're actually really good.
If you took that energy you used bullying people and put it into this you'd be one of the most talented guys in the school.
Just think about it.
Okay.
That's good.
artist.
- Awesome.
- Brilliant.
- Yeah.
Looks like worms.
That's actually decent.
- I need to talk to you.
- Can we not fight for just one day, man? It's already hard enough not to kick you in the nuts every time I see you.
You think maybe we should do a warm-up number or something before we do that big "Thriller" thing at halftime? You know, I figure the only way I'm gonna keep any street cred around here after dancing around like an idiot in front of the whole school is if we kick ass at it.
Uh, yeah.
Couldn't agree more.
Zombie camp was funner than I expected.
And the Glee Club together with the football team- it's like a double rainbow.
- A zombie double rainbow.
- What the hell are we gonna do? If we go to our cheerleading competition then we miss the halftime show and we're out of Glee Club.
- I'm torn.
- Well, I'm not.
I'm Brittany.
Couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
- What were you doing in there? - Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.
m.
ninja poops.
Well, I typed these up for you ladies requiring your signature tendering your resignation from the Glee Club.
Oh, and, Brittany, here's a note for you handwritten and in crayon, from the human cannon saying how much it misses you.
Coach, that cannon is gonna get Brittany killed.
Is that really worth it just to win a stupid national championship? Seventh consecutive stupid national championship.
- This is ridiculous.
- You had quite a year last year, Q.
And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of that Cheerios uniform.
Ladies, I am giving you the chance right now to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie.
Choose the Cheerios or choose the Glee Club! How the hell could you do this? Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn.
What were we supposed to do? Uh, quit Cheerios.
Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys.
And don't forget who was there for you the last time she dumped you on your ass.
Us.
Glee Club.
And you don't think that I feel awful about that? - You don't need to be a Cheerio to be cool.
- Oh, you are so naive.
- This whole school is about labels.
- Wow.
I never realized you were so freaking weak.
- Oh.
- What did you say? - All the Cheerios quit Glee Club.
- So why are you yelling at my girlfriend about it? I'm yelling at her because I'm the leader of this team.
- Maybe it's time for a change at the top.
- What's that supposed to mean? This is kind of hot actually.
It means that maybe the reason everyone hates us is because we need some new leadership.
Face it.
You've had your feet in both worlds for a year and never been able to bring them together.
- Maybe someone else could.
- What? As in maybe you? - As in yes.
- Maybe we should settle this right now.
Bring it.
Brung.
- You want some more of that? You like that, huh? - Really, guys? Really? Hey, hey! How many fights do I have to break up this week? Now calm down! And get back to Glee Club.
Come on.
Hope to see you there.
# Well, no one told me about her # # The way she lied # # Well, no one told me about her # # How many people cried # # But it's too late to say you're sorry # # How would I know? Why should I care? # # Please don't bother trying to find her # # She's not there # # Well, let me tell you 'bout the way she looked # # The way she'd act and the color of her hair # # Her voice was soft and cool Her eyes were clear and bright # # But she's not there # # Well, no one told me about her # # What could I do? # # Well, no one told me about her # # Though they all knew # # But it's too late to say you're sorry # # How would I know? Why should I care? # # Please don't bother trying to find her # # She's not there # # Well, let me tell you 'bout the way she looked # # The way she'd act and the color of her hair # # Her voice was soft and cool Her eyes were clear and bright # # But she's not there ## Yeah! - Yeah! - Whoo! Okay! - Guys.
- Real good.
Awesome! Seriously.
All you football players nailing that Zombies classic on the first time out.
I am impressed.
Appropriate outfits.
They represent the death of your guys's reign at this school.
How many times do we have to put you puck-heads in your place before you realize that football rules the school? Maybe.
But not after you make dancing fools of yourself at that halftime show.
You know it, and we know it.
The whole school knows it.
They'll think different after they see it.
It's gonna be awesome! Holy crap! They turned Karofsky gay.
What are you moose knuckles doing with those Slushees? Ready for the fireworks? It's Independence Day.
Ow! My eyes! Burning.
Just relax.
It stops after a couple hours.
No fricking way I'm letting that happen again.
He's in the first stage of loserdom: denial.
No! I am not a loser.
And I don't sing and dance.
I walk tall and carry a big stick! Dude.
Relax.
This is gonna be fine.
Yeah.
Of course it is.
'Cause I'm quitting Glee Club.
No, you're not.
Fact is, covered in ice and red dye number seven you guys look more like a team than you ever have out on that field.
- I don't care.
I'm out.
- Then you're off the team.
- No way.
- Yeah.
If we all quit, you barely have enough guys to play next week.
- It's the championship game.
You're not gonna throw it away.
- Try me.
Don't do this.
If we stand together, we do the halftime show we can win this game and be kings in this place.
Good luck with that.
# At first we started out real cool # # Taking me places I ain't never been # # But now you're getting comfortable and doing those things you did no more # # You're slowly making me pay for things your money should be handling # # And now you ask to use my car # # Car # # Driving all day and don't fill up the tank # # And you have the audacity to even come and step to me # # Ask to hold some money from me until you get your check next week # # You triflin', good-for-nothin' type of brother # # Silly me Why haven't I found another? # # A baller, When times get hard, I need someone to help me out # # Instead of a scrub like you who don't know what a man's about # # Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? # # Do you pay my "automo-bills"? # # If you did, then maybe we could chill # # I don't think you do # # So you and me are through # # You triflin', good-for-nothin' type of brother # # Silly me Why haven't I found another? # # A baller, When times get hard, I need someone to help me out # # Instead of a scrub like you who don't know what a man's about # # Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? # - # Do you pay my "automo-bills"? # - # Can you pay my bills? # - # If you did, then maybe we could chill # - # I don't think you do, no # - # So # - # So you and me are through # # You triflin', good-for-nothin' type of brother # # Silly me Why haven't I found another? # # You triflin', good-for-nothin' type of brother # # Oh, silly me Why haven't I found another? # # Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? # # Do you pay my "automo-bills"? # # Pay my telephone, telephone bills # # I don't think you do # # So you and me are through # # Can you pay my bills? # - # Oh, no # - # Can you pay my telephone bills? # - # Do you pay my "automo-bills"? # - # Can you pay my bills? # # If you did, then maybe we could chill # # Said I don't think you do No, no # - # So you and me are through # - # So you and me are through ## Guys, I'd say we're ready for regionals.
- Medium drip.
- That would be me.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Now, I don't want to sound cocky or anything but you guys better be pulling out all the stops for regionals because the number we just rehearsed is so off the hook, it's dangerous.
Seriously.
People should wear protective head gear when they're watching it.
- Guys, we're kidding.
- Yeah, well it's just hard to laugh right now with everything going on at McKinley.
I mean, look at us.
The stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee? Our school is so messed up we can't even keep our own football team together.
It's so sad, you guys.
Coach Beiste and Mr.
Schue were so close to getting everyone at the school together.
Why hasn't Finn told me anything about this? I mean, we live together.
I bring him a glass of warm milk every night, just in hopes that we'll have a little lady chat.
- Warm milk? Really? - It's delicious.
Finn's too proud to complain.
He feels like he has to be strong for everyone but I know it's just killing him inside.
I hope he realizes that, you know, if he and I were still together I could make him feel a lot better, you know.
Let it go, Rachel.
I-I just wish that there was a way that we could help.
That's all.
Yeah.
And the worst part is how bummed the guys are.
They already suffer enough abuse just being in Glee.
I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure- at least for a little while.
- Wait.
So the whole team quit? - Everybody not in Glee.
You can't play football with five guys, and one of them is in a wheelchair.
Yeah.
Coach Beiste put up a sign-up sheet for people to join.
I think they'll take anyone at this point.
Well, the good news is you actually only need four more guys.
High school regulations actually let you play a couple guys short if you want to.
But if they figure out a way to make it work you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer them on.
Oh, totally.
Blaine and I love football.
Well, Blaine loves football.
I love scarves.
I cut 30 guys when we had tryouts at the beginning of the season.
You're telling me not one of those guys wants to play? It's like crossing a picket line.
Nobody wants to be a scab.
I guess we should go break it to 'em.
Why can't we just let them back on the team just for this game? No.
We carry this thing through even if it means having to forfeit the game.
I can't believe this is it.
Maybe it isn't.
We want to join the team.
- "We" who? - All of us Glee girls.
We want to join the football team and we want to play in the championship.
Come on, guys.
Stop screwing around.
- It's not cool.
- What's not cool is you guys not respecting women enough to realize we're perfectly capable of playing football.
And don't forget who the state champ in Greco-Roman wrestling is.
I've got offers from three different professional wrestling organizations for after I graduate, so Rachel, have you actually seen a tackle football game? When they tackle you, it hurts.
Yeah, and not in the good Mellencamp way.
We thought about that, but the truth is, is that you guys don't really need us to play.
You just need enough players out there to field a regulation team.
So when they snap the ball, we're just gonna lie down on the ground.
- We're just gonna lie there.
- I'm not.
I'm gonna bring the pain.
I guess they won't get hurt if you stay down.
Okay, what do your parents have to say about this? We all have signed permission slips from them.
It took some convincing, but they understood what it means to all of us.
What do you think, Coach? I think - Welcome to the football team.
- Yes! Yeah! Football team! Football team! High five, teammate! I just don't want to die.
You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all boom-boom and no pow.
And that, Brittany, is so 2000, and late.
Here's your consent form.
And as you ponder your decision I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home and one more on the way.
And if you refuse to sign this well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry.
Baby cannons? And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work.
Do you want us to win, or don't you? - How many M's are there in the letter "R"? - Make an "X.
" It's not too late.
To commit social suicide? How the hell you gonna play with five guys, huh? You have got to be kidding me.
What the hell are they doin'? What you don't have the balls to do.
Stupid.
Whoo! - I'm excited! - Yeah! Are you ready for this? - Let's kick some ass! - Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Punch and Judy on one.
- Ready, break! - Break! Who's Judy? All right.
Let's go! - Where do I go? - You go right down here.
What do I do? Yeah.
Like that.
Okay.
You're gonna die.
Blue 42! Blue 42! Down! Set! Hut! Damn it! What's wrong out there? - Is it over? - What happened? All right.
How's everyone doing? Kill me now.
I want to die.
Is anyone else tired of lying down all the time? I want to play.
Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay? Ready, break! All right, guys.
Let's go.
Down.
- The blitz! The blitz! Watch! - Set! Hut! - Pick it up! - Get the ball! Get the ball! Get the ball! Come on! Get it! Get it! Run! Run! Run! Yeah! Go! Run, girl! - Whoo, whoo! - Go! Go! Go, go! Go.
Tina.
Is she breathing? Did we win? Yeah! - We're still in this.
- Give it up, Finn.
Our only shot at redemption right now is to kick butt at the halftime show.
Sam.
Come here.
- I need you to play quarterback for the rest of the half.
- Okay.
Puck, when the half ends, you gotta go convince Karofsky and the rest of the guys to do the halftime show with us.
How the hell am I supposed to do that? Figure it out.
You're my wingman, right? I got tone, Mav.
- Where are you going? - Can't have a halftime show without cheerleaders.
I'm gonna die.
It'll be worth it.
Hey! - What are you doing here? - Stopping you from going to Sue's regionals competition.
You guys gotta come to the game with me.
Haven't you been paying attention? If we're not Cheerios, we're nothing.
You think that, but it's not true.
You joined Cheerios to be popular but you joined Glee Club because you loved it.
Sue doesn't care about you guys.
She's fine killing Brittany.
Tell me honestly.
If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation which would you choose? Glee Club.
I know you.
And you don't think you are, but you're strong enough to do this.
Okay.
Okay? Okay.
- What about you, Santana? - Screw her.
She put me on the bottom of the pyramid.
Come on.
We've only got a few minutes.
No time for a foursome, ladies.
Bus leaves in five.
We quit Cheerios.
You can't quit Cheerios.
It's blood in, blood out.
Now get your sweet little cans on that bus.
But we still quit.
You're my stars.
If you leave I have no performance! Sucks for you.
Looking good out there, Puck.
You know what? I don't want to hear it, Karofsky.
I don't want to hear it from any of you.
You're all a bunch of cowards.
- Coward losers! - Yeah, you're the only loser losing this game.
You know, this is it.
This is the moment of our lives.
This is the one we can actually look back and tell our children about.
This is our moment to actually win something.
And you guys are sitting in the damn stands.
I mean, you're so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay that you settle for being nothing.
Come on.
We still have a whole half to play.
And we can win this, guys.
I know it.
What's the point, man? Beiste isn't gonna let us play.
She will if you come out and perform at the halftime show.
I'm in.
- Me too.
- No way.
Come on, man.
I really want to win this game.
It would mean so much to my dad, man.
Forget it, okay? Glee Club sucks.
Fine.
Karofsky's out.
Whatever.
But the rest of you need to get in your zombie makeup and hit the field tout de suite.
Come on.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! # Off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head # # It's close to midnight # # And something evil's lurking in the dark # # Under the moonlight # # You see a sight that almost stops your heart # # You try to scream # # But terror takes the sound before you make it # # Heads will roll # # You start to freeze # # As horror looks you right between the eyes # # You're paralyzed # # 'Cause this is thriller # # Thriller night # # And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike # # You know it's thriller # # Thriller night # # You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight # # Off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # Darkness falls across the land # # The midnight hour is close at hand # # Creatures crawl in search of blood # # To terrorize y'all's neighborhood # - # Off with your head # - # And though you fight to stay alive # - # Dance till you're dead # - # Your body starts to shiver # - # For no mere mortal can resist # - # Heads will roll # - # Heads will roll # - # The evil of the thriller # # 'Cause this is thriller # # Thriller night # # Girl, I can thrill you more than any ghost could ever dare try # - # Thriller # - # Ooh, ooh # # Thriller night # # So let me hold you tight # - # And share a killer, thriller # - # Ow! # # Off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head # # D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead # # O-Off, off, off with your head ## # O-Off, off, off with your head ## Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby! - Oh! Oh! - Hey.
What are you guys doin' in here? Oh, we were gonna take our zombie makeup off for the second half.
It's kind of itchy.
No.
Leave it on.
Maybe we'll freak out the other guys a little bit and we need all the help we can get right now.
- Well, get out there.
- All of us? Yeah.
All of us.
Yeah! Yeah! - Let's go! - Welcome back, boy.
Get out there.
Yeah.
We're scared.
Defense! Yeah! - Ready, break! - Let's go, guys! Let's go! Twenty-two! Ten, hut, hut! Defense, get him! Yes! Someone bit me! One of those zombies bit me! See that? That's my boy! Down.
Set.
Hut one! Block 59! Get on 59! You.
- That was awesome, man.
- Nice block.
- Nice throw.
- Yeah, man.
Time-out! Bring it home! It was a good run.
We almost had it.
- Hey.
This game isn't over.
- There's, like, 10 seconds left.
It's over.
Not if the quarterback fumbles the snap.
All the way, baby! Here's what we're gonna do.
Ready, break! Break! Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
- Brains.
- Brains.
Brains.
Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! - Brains! - Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! So tell me, Sue.
How are you holding up? I'm hanging in there.
Thank you.
I know it's painful, but can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship landing you this interview as "Loser of the Year"? - I thought this was The 10 Most Fascinating - That's Barbara Walters.
In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson the housing market Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone nine percent unemployment and Sparky Lohan who is Dina Lohan's dog, and apparently also a loser.
- How do you cope with that? - I've been drinking a lot of bleach.
Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes was it really worth it? Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.
And how do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios budget is going to the Glee Club? - I'm sorry? - Let's take a look.
Whoop.
Sorry.
After a little song and dance to support the arts I sat down with McKinley Glee Club director, Will Schuester.
I have to say I'm thrilled.
Sue got what was coming to her.
And now we don't have to hold a bake sale to pay for the bus to regionals.
Thoughts? I hate you, Diane Sawyer.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Congrats on the M.
V.
P.
- Oh, thanks.
It was a team effort.
So, listen.
Uh, there's no way the Glee Club's gonna let you join permanently until you clean things up with Kurt.
So, I was thinking maybe we could go together to Dalton and apologize to him, if Who said I wanted to join the Glee Club permanently? I just thought, after this week, and-and - the way we won the game, and the way you came out to dance- - What do you think? We all dance around together and win a football game and everything's gonna change? Glee Club's gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippie peace songs every morning? Maybe.
I-I don't know.
It's a start.
No.
Dude, it's a finish.
Okay, this is high school.
People's memories for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status.
We got a chance to really change things here, dude.
I just won the conference championship.
I'm on top.
Why would I want to change things? Hey.
Hi.
I never got a chance to thank you for helping me do the right thing.
Ah, you would have come to it on your own soon enough.
- So how does it feel being out of the uniform? - Weird.
Did turn a couple of heads.
You were amazing this week.
On the field and off.
It reminded me of why I loved you.
English - US - SDH