Glee s05e20 Episode Script
The Untitled Rachel Berry Project
Here's what you missed on Glee.
Rachel went to L.
A.
To audition for a show.
It was terrible and she missed her performance.
Then she found out the TV executives want to write a show around her.
Sam's a male model and Mercedes's album's about to drop.
They're still going out, except Mercedes definitely wants to save herself for marriage.
Sassy heiress June Dolloway wants to put on a showcase for Blaine but Blaine lied to Kurt and said he's in it too.
That's what you missed on Glee.
- Okay, try this.
- Oh, no.
Yeah, huge audition this week for Treasure Trailz.
They're kind of like on the forefront of the manscaping movement.
I mean, they're going all out: Billboards, print, bus ads.
Okay, my dream of being almost naked on a public bus is this close to coming true.
Well, you know, I'm gonna be spray-painting "mine" over all those ads.
Because if I'm gonna be out of town on this mall tour I'm gonna need those 'rexy models you're working with to know that you have a girl.
- And she fights dirty.
- Dirty.
See? This is exactly what my show needs to be about.
Old friends struggling to make it in this world.
Is it normal for a network to send a writer to hang out with the star to figure out the show? Only when their star's incredibly interesting.
Mary Halloran is a genius.
She sold her first script when she was 14 years old.
Yeah, I just don't like the idea of someone crashing Monday night dinner.
No, but the point is for her to really see my life and understand my essence and you guys are so much of that besides my work, my talent and my ambition.
Oh, here she is.
Be really nice, 'cause I don't want her to feel alienated.
We gotta figure out a way to invite Mary to our showcase.
I mean, Rachel shouldn't be the only one with a chance for small-screen stardom.
No, totally.
Oh, my God.
Brittany, what's happening? - What up, bitches? - What are you doing here? - My God.
Look who's here.
- Hi.
Brittany, I thought that you were on "Lesbian Island.
" No- I lost my passport and I was trapped in the airport, like Tom Hanks in that movie.
- Castaway.
- Big? - The Money Pit? No.
It was Castaway.
So, where's Santana? Oh, uh, she's shooting a Yeast-l-Stat commercial in Iowa for a week.
Apparently they have the best wheat fields to slow-motion-run through.
- She didn't call and tell you? - No.
I gave up my cell phone after Kiki and I broke up.
The pain was too great.
Hello? Hello.
- I'm Mary Halloran.
- Yes.
Oh, is that Chinese food? Just the smell of it gives me the Lady Di's.
Oh, I'm s-Hello, I am Rachel Berry.
It is so nice to meet you.
Let me introduce you to my friends.
Oh, no, no.
Don't bother.
I have a thing about names.
- Oh.
- Jonathan says it's a form of narcissism.
But I think it's related to my anxiety disorder.
- Ooh, who's-who's Jonathan? - He's my Tuesday-Thursday shrink.
At least, I think that's his name.
Yep, that wonton smell's going straight to my tummy.
Bathroom, now.
- Uh, it's-it's right there.
- Okay.
Oh, I'm really excited to be working with you, by the way, Randy.
It's gonna be a blast.
Okay, let's start writing.
The Untitled Mary Halloran Project.
- Yes.
- So- Tell me about yourself.
Well, let's see.
Uh, I-I have two gay dads.
- Amazing- We can use that.
- Oh, good.
Okay.
- Do they work for NASA? - No, they don't.
Gay NASA dads.
- N-Uh- - So, you're a singer? Um, yes, I-I started out in my high school glee club, so- Irrelevant.
We can't use that.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry.
- A cappella thing is so over.
- But you're on Broadway.
- Yeah.
What's that like? It's amazing.
Um, y- I-I-I do eight shows a week so it's a little, you know, tiring, but- - Lazy.
- I'm sorry? Is this, like, your process? Mmm.
What is Marybot's process? Does not compute.
Meh! Meh! Meh! Meh! Okay.
Um- So, how-how did you start writing? Well, my freshman year at Princeton I wrote a version of The Diary of Anne Frank where Anne was played by an upright Oreck vacuum cleaner.
I transferred to New York, where I won an Obie and then I got a MacArthur Genius Grant.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh! I'm so bored.
Too much work.
Can I use your bathroom? I'm not gonna pee.
I'm just gonna snoop through the cabinets.
But before you say anything, remember that it's Opposite Day.
- Yes? - Ah, thank you.
Miss Jones, here we are at the launch of your nationwide tour of shopping malls.
As you look ahead to a summer of autograph signings and mall appearances and glamorous events at Marriott Hotels across our great, great country, how do you feel? You know, I feel absolutely amazing.
We're gonna meet up with Santana in Reno and I even got the label to bring on my girl Brittany as my star backup dancer.
We're gonna be like Charlie's Angels.
I get to be Farrah-No arguments.
I'm the Angel that torches stuff with her laser eyes.
Blaine.
Come.
- I brought BabyCakes.
- Oh.
What were you doing up there? Oh, I like to measure the stage to see how many paces I have in each direction.
That way, if I decide to freestyle I won't fall on my ass into the crowd.
You know, success depends on three things.
It depends on talent, hard work and luck.
And if you have the first two, you don't have to worry about the third.
Oh.
Who said that? Me.
Just now- All right.
Should I seat Michael Bay next to Walter Cronkite? - Uh, I'm pretty sure Walter Cronkite died.
- Oh, that's sad.
It's okay, don't worry about Walter.
He had a fantastic life.
And he made great Manhattans.
It's not Walter.
It's-It's Kurt.
I've been carrying around this lie that he's gonna be in the showcase.
- Can we just give him one song? - That's enough.
Blaine, I am putting the most valuable currency I have into this event and that currency is my reputation.
All the people come here because I am their tastemaker.
And my palate is undeniable when it comes to talent and I cannot jeopardize my track record because your friend doesn't like to hear bad news.
Kurt is amazing.
He's incredible.
You take my lead, and the world will greet you like Venus in a clamshell.
You cross me, and you'll be driftwood.
Hmm.
Well, I brought you lunch, but it looks like you already had dessert.
That was nice.
Are you gonna put that in the showcase? June doesn't want you in the showcase.
And she never did.
So you've been lying to me this whole time? I thought I could convince her, and then they wouldn't be lies anymore.
I love you.
How am I supposed to believe you love me if I can't trust you? - I did it because I love you.
- You lied to me! We had long conversations about this.
I didn't know what else to do.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
I- I am-I am so, so sorry.
Yeah, I bet you are.
Too bad I can't believe anything else you say.
What is with the rubber band? Um- Just- It's been a while since I've been intimate with a girl.
So I do that to kind of keep from popping a rogue chubber.
I know what you mean.
It's been, like, nine hours since I got laid.
I'm going nuts.
All right, cattle kids, listen up.
I'm Charlie Darling, and you're all here on zero notice because there's an advertising crisis over at the Treasure Trailz campaign.
Their big model got sent to prison for running an underground teacup dog-fighting ring in Miami.
They have billboards set to launch in a few days so it's time for a new Treasure Trailz cover boy.
- - We're gonna do this fast, and we're gonna do it dirty.
Walk.
If you can't get into my jeans with your walk, then you don't have it.
I brought some girls to help set the mood.
For the love of God, please, someone, just turn me on.
- You.
What's your name? - Uh, Sam Evans.
Sam, you are seriously buzzing with sex.
Uh, maybe it's just 'cause I'm a little backed up.
My, uh, girlfriend and I were waiting till we get married.
Whatever it is, it's working.
Come back tonight for the shoot.
Everything about you just screams Treasure Trailz.
- What's this? - We need to have a little girl talk.
It's about Sam.
Are you gonna break up with him before you go on tour? Sam, you need to break it off with Mercedes.
- It's just the gentlemanly thing to do.
- We love each other.
You're gonna be traveling all over the country, meeting tons of people.
Guys are gonna be, like, throwing themselves at you.
Listen, I got my posse and my Jesus.
- I can resist temptation.
- But Sam can't.
Sam is cool with the whole waiting-until-marriage thing.
He barely even thinks about it anymore.
It's all I think about.
Like today, there were all these boobs all around me, and I almost passed out.
But I didn't.
I controlled it.
Okay, I'm not gonna lie.
It is scary worrying about what the person you love is doing while you're a million miles away, but it's worth the risk.
And Sam respects me.
And if that makes me a romantic and not a realist well, that's the way that I'm choosing to live my life.
Look, guys, I'm committed to Mercedes, okay? She's the one.
I'm not gonna screw it up.
Look, being in love is amazing and when you have it, it's terrifying to let it go.
But sometimes the best chance you have of staying together is by being apart for a while.
Ow.
Rachel's one of those people that, when she sets a goal, she doesn't stop until she gets it.
I've never met anyone- Did you just put a doughnut in your bra? Maybe- Did you want this one? So, are we gonna begin, or- I love your attitude, and I'm okay with your loafers.
We're gonna have to change your name though.
Do you prefer Slaine or Fane? I'm sorry.
Are you an actual writer from a real-life television network? Shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop da-doop.
Can I just say that you are a breath of fresh air and I love your pajamas.
Don't steal my pajamas.
Little mousies live in the pockets.
Amazing.
- What? - And a kitty lives in my pants- - Rachel, that chick is insane.
- I think she's amazing.
When Mary and I spoke telepathically, I told her I'd watch any show she created.
If you go out for that TV show, you're going to have to burn a lot of bridges.
Sidney Greene even said he's gonna blackball you if you missed another performance.
What is he gonna do when he finds out you're quitting on him? Shh.
Look, if I do this TV show, then I can, like, come back to New York afterwards and do any show I want for, like, 10 times the amount of money.
Understood.
But if you're making that bet, I-I wish you'd bet on your voice not some crazy psychopath who eats couch cushions.
The armrest is the sweetest meat.
Look, you're the star of the show.
Okay? You have to trust your instincts, not hers.
Okay, you guys, welcome to the first informal read-through of The Untitled Mary Halloran Project.
So I will be playing the role of Rachel.
Blaine, you'll be playing Slaine.
- And, Brittany, you'll be playing Nittany.
- Whoo! I'm guessing I'm Jam? - Blartie? - Yes.
Cert? I'm Cert, like the breath mint.
Let's start with scene one.
Interior, Cert and Rachel's apartment.
"Rachel eats a full sheet cake in a bathtub thinking about her gay dads who work for NASA.
" - Um- - Hey.
Hey, where did you get that dinosaur suit? I found it in a Dumpster in the Bronx, so I put it on.
But then I was afraid it might have lice, so I took it off.
But then I missed having it on, so I put it back on.
O-M-G-R-O-F-L-W-T-H.
My stupid gay NASA dads forgot that today was my birthday.
And I know that they're in the International Space Station but I, like, never even forget their anniversary.
Hashtag D-B-E-Y-R.
- Hashtag D-I-L-L-I-G-A-S.
- Hashtag, hashtag.
Hashtag, hashtag, hashtag, hashtag- - "Hashtag, hashtag, hashtag.
" - "Hashtag.
" Why don't we move to, uh, scene 12.
- That was weird.
- That was überweird.
- It is so wrong that we just slept together.
- Ãberwrong.
I'm gay, and you're mostly lesbian, but here's what I'm thinking.
I know what you're going to say.
Okay, let's just say it at the same time, at the count of three.
One, two, three.
Let's keep sleeping together and start an art gallery in the performance space downstairs.
Oh.
Um-Okay, well, why-why don't we, uh move on to Rachel's impromptu birthday rave.
- What's going on? - It's a rave.
Coffee rave.
- What? - It's a coffee rave.
Everybody's drinking coffee.
- Why coffee? - I don't know.
No one's here.
It's the worst coffee rave ever.
It's for Rachel.
Her gay astronaut dads forgot her birthday.
She sort of has an issue with people forgetting birthdays.
For a while, she went to therapy about it.
I-I'm sorry.
Can we stop? This speech goes on for, like, six more pages.
I don't even see any punctuation.
Everyone keeps stopping just when I start getting into it.
- This doesn't make any sense.
- Yeah, I sort of called that.
Girl, you're gonna have to do something.
You're right, and Kurt was right too.
If I'm going to do this, it's gonna be my show, or no show at all.
They're full of diseases.
Pretty hard to dance at your showcase with bumblefoot.
Humans can't get bumblefoot.
And I don't want to do the showcase anymore.
You are more important to me than anything.
What do you think it's like to fly for the first time? I mean, here you are up in this nest which is the only home you've ever known and even though your D.
N.
A.
And millions of years of evolution are telling you that if you jump, you won't hit the ground like a stone you can never really know.
Relationships are like that.
You give someone your heart to look after and you tell yourself that you're safe, but you never know if today or tomorrow is gonna be the day that they drop it like a stone.
Kurt, I'm really, really, really sorry.
I get what happened.
Okay? The way that I was talking about the showcase- Th-There's no way that I would have been cool with not being in it.
- I would have lied to me too.
- I don't understand.
If you're not mad at me, then where are you going with all this flying stuff? Oh, no, I-I was mad.
But then I realized that trust is a choice.
Every day, we're gonna roll out of bed and send each other into the world just trusting that we have each other's backs.
And we will slip up, and-and we will be scared.
But I choose to trust and to love you through everything.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, I love you so much.
I-I mean what I said about the showcase.
- Either we fly together, or we don't fly at all.
- I am very happy for you.
And I'm very excited the world gets to see you spread your wings.
- Now it's your turn to fly.
- Thank you.
I don't know if it's all this bird talk, but - I'm getting a little turned on.
- Let's go inside.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Yeah, pretty much.
You know, we have, uh, plain doughnuts here.
I prefer the misery of doing it this way, earning it.
Yeah, see, that's sort of what I mean about the show.
You know, which is genius, by the way.
Thank you.
I just think the character of Rachel doesn't really sound like me.
She sounds like you.
I know TV.
People want antiheroes.
They want chubby girls who can't keep men and men who kill people.
And that's great.
I just- I thought that Mr.
Paulblatt wanted to make a show that was about me.
I know the kinds of shows he green-lights.
They all have the one thing you lack-irony.
When I was in the Glee Club and I had to explain something it always helped me to do it through song.
Oh.
God, no.
I don't know how to write a script, but I know how I want it to feel.
This is so weird.
I was watching you and I was, like "What is this feeling?" Right? It's so unfamiliar.
What was it? I think it was happy.
That's never happened to me before.
I think you're right.
Maybe there is a show in making people not hate themselves.
You mean it? A-And, you know, you'll make her sound like me? Well, they'll never make it, but I'll give your version a shot.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
Okay, I need to give you a hug now.
Oh.
Wow.
Now can you leave? I need to shame-eat.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Sure.
Okay, good.
Yeah, just-Yeah.
Give me a little more sex.
A little more heat.
Come on.
Chocolate.
Banana.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Tighten the abs a little bit.
There you go.
- Look over this way.
No, not all the way.
- Ass? I don't like that.
I don't like that.
Can you just give me more sex? You know, feel it.
Yeah.
This isn't working.
No, I hate everything.
I hate everything.
Sam, where's my sex buzz? You didn't get laid today, did you? No, it's-it's- Your-Your assistant is looking at me kind of funny.
Is one of your nipples higher than the other? - Weirding me out.
- Okay.
Enough, enough.
Everybody out.
Out.
Just- Okay.
- Do you want a beer? - I'm-I'm-I'm 19.
I won't tell your mom.
What are you feeling? Um-Well, if I was a soup I would probably be minestrone.
Keep talking.
I like your honesty.
So does the camera.
Uh- Well- You're really hot, so there's that.
There's definitely that.
But I-I love my girlfriend.
The one who doesn't have sex with you? Um- Yeah-Uh, I kind- I'm also feeling kind of scared.
- Of me? - Well, it's just that this job is really important to me.
I jus-It's a dream come true.
I'm just worried that if I don't give you what you want, I-I might lose it.
What do you think I want? Hmm? I'm gonna tell you something to leave out of your minestrone of emotions.
Guilt.
There's nobody here.
We can do whatever we want, and nobody has to know.
Hey, my sexy working man.
Look.
I got us a bunch of binge foods to celebrate.
Babe, what's wrong? I'm so sorry.
I cheated on you.
I was at my shoot and this photographer was all over me and it was so intense.
It was like that scene in Fame, and she just kissed me.
And-And then what happened? I got so upset I started crying and then she took some photos of me crying in my underwear, and then I just left- Sam, you didn't cheat on me.
It's not like you kissed her back.
Well, I kind of-sort of did, but it was just, like, one of those reflex reactions that you have when someone kisses you.
Like, kind of, you know, like- See, like that.
I can't do this to you anymore.
Sam, I-I love you so much.
But I'm looking at my life, and I don't think I'm gonna be ready until I'm, like, 30.
And asking you to wait that long is like asking a cheetah not to run.
It's okay.
I'm okay with it.
I- Yeah, it's-it's hard, but I just have this feeling that we're meant to be together.
You know, who's to say that we're not? Y-You think I'm gonna cheat on you? No, actually, I think you won't.
And I think you'll resent me for it.
And I think that we're holding on way too tight and we're not believing in our love and we're gonna break it.
It's gonna burn me to see you with other girls.
But I know this is the right thing.
Just know that whoever I'm with or whatever I'm doing I'd rather be doing it with you.
Hey.
Hey.
Just- Let's make a deal.
If I- If I do decide to change my mind and not wait I'll give you a call.
Deal.
One, two, three, four.
- That was fun.
- You were wonderful! - Oh, thank you.
- They loved you.
They loved you.
That was great.
They're demanding an encore.
If they do, go.
Don't drink it now, drink it later.
Or drink it while you sing.
You're such a good friend to come, um, rise above everything and be here to support him, really.
A friend wouldn't stand any of this.
I'm here because he is the love of my life and nothing and no one is gonna come between us.
Sweet.
Thank you.
Thank you all so very much.
Before we end tonight, I would like to give a very very special thank you to my benefactor, June Dolloway the woman that taught me that talent is worthless unless you can really back it up with passion.
And so I'd like to use that passion to pick my last song.
Because there is nothing I am more passionate about than my fiancé.
So, um, Kurt, would you like to sing this last duet with me? Oh- If you all came here to get to know me tonight there's no better way than seeing me with my one true love.
June, I'm-I'm so sorry.
I-I just had to.
No, no, no.
You two were terrific.
They loved you.
And I'm gonna take credit for all of this.
It's been a long time since anybody's proven me wrong.
June, thank you so much.
Thank you, really.
Thank you for all of this.
Never let anyone-even me- make you doubt what you're sure of.
Okay.
- You.
Come.
Stand.
- Okay.
You remind me of my third marriage.
My husband was gay too.
True love.
Okay, let's have a party.
"The thing about love is that it's not a scarce resource.
The more you give, the more you have to give.
" Aw! - Yay.
- Oh, yay, I love it.
Do you guys like it? I cried, and it wasn't just because I can walk in the script.
Well, she's handing it in to the network, so we should hear soon.
The other one was better.
You know, I always thought that Fanny was the role that I was born to play.
But then I read this.
This is it.
This is my dream role, you guys, and thank you so much for pushing me to get it right.
A toast.
To two glorious years in the greatest city on earth.
- Cheers to that.
- Cheers.
- So very much.
- Holy crap.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, Sam, I am so proud of you.
I did it.
I made my dream come true.
Look at this.
Ah, the abs.
The-The nipples are even.
- Oh, my gosh, this is great.
- It is the start of a great career.
Nope.
Finish.
Came out here to get my junk on the side of a bus, and I did it.
Going out on top- or on the side, really.
What are you gonna do now? I think I'm gonna go back home.
I just want to be in a space where the only sounds I hear at night are the crickets and the rendering plant.
My mind just works better when everything's a little slower.
Plus, everybody here is just scattering anyway, so- - It's the end of another era for us Glee kids.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's been quite a year, you guys.
Finn and the Glee Club- I don't think I can really handle losing anything else.
Who said that you have to lose anything? No, he's right.
It's like the end of an era.
Sam said it.
We're all gonna be scattered all over the place soon.
You do realize that if I get this TV show it'll be the first time that we're apart in five years.
Well, I think if we can get through that, our friendship can survive anything.
- Oh.
- Kurt's right.
I'm in this with you guys for the long haul.
Okay, then, you know what, you guys? Let's make a deal.
Six months from now, we all come back, right here, to this place.
Because I'm gonna need something to look forward to.
If I've learned anything this year, it's that you guys are my life.
Let's hug it out.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Bring it in.
Oh, guys, I would kill to break out in song right now.
Hello? Yes.
Oh.
No-Yeah.
Th-Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Okay.
That was the network.
They, uh- They loved the script, and they want to make it into a pilot.
- I'm going to L.
A.
- What? - I'm going to L.
A.
! - What? This is amazing.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Is this really happening? Oh, my God, am I gonna be on TV? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Rachel went to L.
A.
To audition for a show.
It was terrible and she missed her performance.
Then she found out the TV executives want to write a show around her.
Sam's a male model and Mercedes's album's about to drop.
They're still going out, except Mercedes definitely wants to save herself for marriage.
Sassy heiress June Dolloway wants to put on a showcase for Blaine but Blaine lied to Kurt and said he's in it too.
That's what you missed on Glee.
- Okay, try this.
- Oh, no.
Yeah, huge audition this week for Treasure Trailz.
They're kind of like on the forefront of the manscaping movement.
I mean, they're going all out: Billboards, print, bus ads.
Okay, my dream of being almost naked on a public bus is this close to coming true.
Well, you know, I'm gonna be spray-painting "mine" over all those ads.
Because if I'm gonna be out of town on this mall tour I'm gonna need those 'rexy models you're working with to know that you have a girl.
- And she fights dirty.
- Dirty.
See? This is exactly what my show needs to be about.
Old friends struggling to make it in this world.
Is it normal for a network to send a writer to hang out with the star to figure out the show? Only when their star's incredibly interesting.
Mary Halloran is a genius.
She sold her first script when she was 14 years old.
Yeah, I just don't like the idea of someone crashing Monday night dinner.
No, but the point is for her to really see my life and understand my essence and you guys are so much of that besides my work, my talent and my ambition.
Oh, here she is.
Be really nice, 'cause I don't want her to feel alienated.
We gotta figure out a way to invite Mary to our showcase.
I mean, Rachel shouldn't be the only one with a chance for small-screen stardom.
No, totally.
Oh, my God.
Brittany, what's happening? - What up, bitches? - What are you doing here? - My God.
Look who's here.
- Hi.
Brittany, I thought that you were on "Lesbian Island.
" No- I lost my passport and I was trapped in the airport, like Tom Hanks in that movie.
- Castaway.
- Big? - The Money Pit? No.
It was Castaway.
So, where's Santana? Oh, uh, she's shooting a Yeast-l-Stat commercial in Iowa for a week.
Apparently they have the best wheat fields to slow-motion-run through.
- She didn't call and tell you? - No.
I gave up my cell phone after Kiki and I broke up.
The pain was too great.
Hello? Hello.
- I'm Mary Halloran.
- Yes.
Oh, is that Chinese food? Just the smell of it gives me the Lady Di's.
Oh, I'm s-Hello, I am Rachel Berry.
It is so nice to meet you.
Let me introduce you to my friends.
Oh, no, no.
Don't bother.
I have a thing about names.
- Oh.
- Jonathan says it's a form of narcissism.
But I think it's related to my anxiety disorder.
- Ooh, who's-who's Jonathan? - He's my Tuesday-Thursday shrink.
At least, I think that's his name.
Yep, that wonton smell's going straight to my tummy.
Bathroom, now.
- Uh, it's-it's right there.
- Okay.
Oh, I'm really excited to be working with you, by the way, Randy.
It's gonna be a blast.
Okay, let's start writing.
The Untitled Mary Halloran Project.
- Yes.
- So- Tell me about yourself.
Well, let's see.
Uh, I-I have two gay dads.
- Amazing- We can use that.
- Oh, good.
Okay.
- Do they work for NASA? - No, they don't.
Gay NASA dads.
- N-Uh- - So, you're a singer? Um, yes, I-I started out in my high school glee club, so- Irrelevant.
We can't use that.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry.
- A cappella thing is so over.
- But you're on Broadway.
- Yeah.
What's that like? It's amazing.
Um, y- I-I-I do eight shows a week so it's a little, you know, tiring, but- - Lazy.
- I'm sorry? Is this, like, your process? Mmm.
What is Marybot's process? Does not compute.
Meh! Meh! Meh! Meh! Okay.
Um- So, how-how did you start writing? Well, my freshman year at Princeton I wrote a version of The Diary of Anne Frank where Anne was played by an upright Oreck vacuum cleaner.
I transferred to New York, where I won an Obie and then I got a MacArthur Genius Grant.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh! I'm so bored.
Too much work.
Can I use your bathroom? I'm not gonna pee.
I'm just gonna snoop through the cabinets.
But before you say anything, remember that it's Opposite Day.
- Yes? - Ah, thank you.
Miss Jones, here we are at the launch of your nationwide tour of shopping malls.
As you look ahead to a summer of autograph signings and mall appearances and glamorous events at Marriott Hotels across our great, great country, how do you feel? You know, I feel absolutely amazing.
We're gonna meet up with Santana in Reno and I even got the label to bring on my girl Brittany as my star backup dancer.
We're gonna be like Charlie's Angels.
I get to be Farrah-No arguments.
I'm the Angel that torches stuff with her laser eyes.
Blaine.
Come.
- I brought BabyCakes.
- Oh.
What were you doing up there? Oh, I like to measure the stage to see how many paces I have in each direction.
That way, if I decide to freestyle I won't fall on my ass into the crowd.
You know, success depends on three things.
It depends on talent, hard work and luck.
And if you have the first two, you don't have to worry about the third.
Oh.
Who said that? Me.
Just now- All right.
Should I seat Michael Bay next to Walter Cronkite? - Uh, I'm pretty sure Walter Cronkite died.
- Oh, that's sad.
It's okay, don't worry about Walter.
He had a fantastic life.
And he made great Manhattans.
It's not Walter.
It's-It's Kurt.
I've been carrying around this lie that he's gonna be in the showcase.
- Can we just give him one song? - That's enough.
Blaine, I am putting the most valuable currency I have into this event and that currency is my reputation.
All the people come here because I am their tastemaker.
And my palate is undeniable when it comes to talent and I cannot jeopardize my track record because your friend doesn't like to hear bad news.
Kurt is amazing.
He's incredible.
You take my lead, and the world will greet you like Venus in a clamshell.
You cross me, and you'll be driftwood.
Hmm.
Well, I brought you lunch, but it looks like you already had dessert.
That was nice.
Are you gonna put that in the showcase? June doesn't want you in the showcase.
And she never did.
So you've been lying to me this whole time? I thought I could convince her, and then they wouldn't be lies anymore.
I love you.
How am I supposed to believe you love me if I can't trust you? - I did it because I love you.
- You lied to me! We had long conversations about this.
I didn't know what else to do.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
I- I am-I am so, so sorry.
Yeah, I bet you are.
Too bad I can't believe anything else you say.
What is with the rubber band? Um- Just- It's been a while since I've been intimate with a girl.
So I do that to kind of keep from popping a rogue chubber.
I know what you mean.
It's been, like, nine hours since I got laid.
I'm going nuts.
All right, cattle kids, listen up.
I'm Charlie Darling, and you're all here on zero notice because there's an advertising crisis over at the Treasure Trailz campaign.
Their big model got sent to prison for running an underground teacup dog-fighting ring in Miami.
They have billboards set to launch in a few days so it's time for a new Treasure Trailz cover boy.
- - We're gonna do this fast, and we're gonna do it dirty.
Walk.
If you can't get into my jeans with your walk, then you don't have it.
I brought some girls to help set the mood.
For the love of God, please, someone, just turn me on.
- You.
What's your name? - Uh, Sam Evans.
Sam, you are seriously buzzing with sex.
Uh, maybe it's just 'cause I'm a little backed up.
My, uh, girlfriend and I were waiting till we get married.
Whatever it is, it's working.
Come back tonight for the shoot.
Everything about you just screams Treasure Trailz.
- What's this? - We need to have a little girl talk.
It's about Sam.
Are you gonna break up with him before you go on tour? Sam, you need to break it off with Mercedes.
- It's just the gentlemanly thing to do.
- We love each other.
You're gonna be traveling all over the country, meeting tons of people.
Guys are gonna be, like, throwing themselves at you.
Listen, I got my posse and my Jesus.
- I can resist temptation.
- But Sam can't.
Sam is cool with the whole waiting-until-marriage thing.
He barely even thinks about it anymore.
It's all I think about.
Like today, there were all these boobs all around me, and I almost passed out.
But I didn't.
I controlled it.
Okay, I'm not gonna lie.
It is scary worrying about what the person you love is doing while you're a million miles away, but it's worth the risk.
And Sam respects me.
And if that makes me a romantic and not a realist well, that's the way that I'm choosing to live my life.
Look, guys, I'm committed to Mercedes, okay? She's the one.
I'm not gonna screw it up.
Look, being in love is amazing and when you have it, it's terrifying to let it go.
But sometimes the best chance you have of staying together is by being apart for a while.
Ow.
Rachel's one of those people that, when she sets a goal, she doesn't stop until she gets it.
I've never met anyone- Did you just put a doughnut in your bra? Maybe- Did you want this one? So, are we gonna begin, or- I love your attitude, and I'm okay with your loafers.
We're gonna have to change your name though.
Do you prefer Slaine or Fane? I'm sorry.
Are you an actual writer from a real-life television network? Shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop da-doop.
Can I just say that you are a breath of fresh air and I love your pajamas.
Don't steal my pajamas.
Little mousies live in the pockets.
Amazing.
- What? - And a kitty lives in my pants- - Rachel, that chick is insane.
- I think she's amazing.
When Mary and I spoke telepathically, I told her I'd watch any show she created.
If you go out for that TV show, you're going to have to burn a lot of bridges.
Sidney Greene even said he's gonna blackball you if you missed another performance.
What is he gonna do when he finds out you're quitting on him? Shh.
Look, if I do this TV show, then I can, like, come back to New York afterwards and do any show I want for, like, 10 times the amount of money.
Understood.
But if you're making that bet, I-I wish you'd bet on your voice not some crazy psychopath who eats couch cushions.
The armrest is the sweetest meat.
Look, you're the star of the show.
Okay? You have to trust your instincts, not hers.
Okay, you guys, welcome to the first informal read-through of The Untitled Mary Halloran Project.
So I will be playing the role of Rachel.
Blaine, you'll be playing Slaine.
- And, Brittany, you'll be playing Nittany.
- Whoo! I'm guessing I'm Jam? - Blartie? - Yes.
Cert? I'm Cert, like the breath mint.
Let's start with scene one.
Interior, Cert and Rachel's apartment.
"Rachel eats a full sheet cake in a bathtub thinking about her gay dads who work for NASA.
" - Um- - Hey.
Hey, where did you get that dinosaur suit? I found it in a Dumpster in the Bronx, so I put it on.
But then I was afraid it might have lice, so I took it off.
But then I missed having it on, so I put it back on.
O-M-G-R-O-F-L-W-T-H.
My stupid gay NASA dads forgot that today was my birthday.
And I know that they're in the International Space Station but I, like, never even forget their anniversary.
Hashtag D-B-E-Y-R.
- Hashtag D-I-L-L-I-G-A-S.
- Hashtag, hashtag.
Hashtag, hashtag, hashtag, hashtag- - "Hashtag, hashtag, hashtag.
" - "Hashtag.
" Why don't we move to, uh, scene 12.
- That was weird.
- That was überweird.
- It is so wrong that we just slept together.
- Ãberwrong.
I'm gay, and you're mostly lesbian, but here's what I'm thinking.
I know what you're going to say.
Okay, let's just say it at the same time, at the count of three.
One, two, three.
Let's keep sleeping together and start an art gallery in the performance space downstairs.
Oh.
Um-Okay, well, why-why don't we, uh move on to Rachel's impromptu birthday rave.
- What's going on? - It's a rave.
Coffee rave.
- What? - It's a coffee rave.
Everybody's drinking coffee.
- Why coffee? - I don't know.
No one's here.
It's the worst coffee rave ever.
It's for Rachel.
Her gay astronaut dads forgot her birthday.
She sort of has an issue with people forgetting birthdays.
For a while, she went to therapy about it.
I-I'm sorry.
Can we stop? This speech goes on for, like, six more pages.
I don't even see any punctuation.
Everyone keeps stopping just when I start getting into it.
- This doesn't make any sense.
- Yeah, I sort of called that.
Girl, you're gonna have to do something.
You're right, and Kurt was right too.
If I'm going to do this, it's gonna be my show, or no show at all.
They're full of diseases.
Pretty hard to dance at your showcase with bumblefoot.
Humans can't get bumblefoot.
And I don't want to do the showcase anymore.
You are more important to me than anything.
What do you think it's like to fly for the first time? I mean, here you are up in this nest which is the only home you've ever known and even though your D.
N.
A.
And millions of years of evolution are telling you that if you jump, you won't hit the ground like a stone you can never really know.
Relationships are like that.
You give someone your heart to look after and you tell yourself that you're safe, but you never know if today or tomorrow is gonna be the day that they drop it like a stone.
Kurt, I'm really, really, really sorry.
I get what happened.
Okay? The way that I was talking about the showcase- Th-There's no way that I would have been cool with not being in it.
- I would have lied to me too.
- I don't understand.
If you're not mad at me, then where are you going with all this flying stuff? Oh, no, I-I was mad.
But then I realized that trust is a choice.
Every day, we're gonna roll out of bed and send each other into the world just trusting that we have each other's backs.
And we will slip up, and-and we will be scared.
But I choose to trust and to love you through everything.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, I love you so much.
I-I mean what I said about the showcase.
- Either we fly together, or we don't fly at all.
- I am very happy for you.
And I'm very excited the world gets to see you spread your wings.
- Now it's your turn to fly.
- Thank you.
I don't know if it's all this bird talk, but - I'm getting a little turned on.
- Let's go inside.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Yeah, pretty much.
You know, we have, uh, plain doughnuts here.
I prefer the misery of doing it this way, earning it.
Yeah, see, that's sort of what I mean about the show.
You know, which is genius, by the way.
Thank you.
I just think the character of Rachel doesn't really sound like me.
She sounds like you.
I know TV.
People want antiheroes.
They want chubby girls who can't keep men and men who kill people.
And that's great.
I just- I thought that Mr.
Paulblatt wanted to make a show that was about me.
I know the kinds of shows he green-lights.
They all have the one thing you lack-irony.
When I was in the Glee Club and I had to explain something it always helped me to do it through song.
Oh.
God, no.
I don't know how to write a script, but I know how I want it to feel.
This is so weird.
I was watching you and I was, like "What is this feeling?" Right? It's so unfamiliar.
What was it? I think it was happy.
That's never happened to me before.
I think you're right.
Maybe there is a show in making people not hate themselves.
You mean it? A-And, you know, you'll make her sound like me? Well, they'll never make it, but I'll give your version a shot.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
Okay, I need to give you a hug now.
Oh.
Wow.
Now can you leave? I need to shame-eat.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Sure.
Okay, good.
Yeah, just-Yeah.
Give me a little more sex.
A little more heat.
Come on.
Chocolate.
Banana.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Tighten the abs a little bit.
There you go.
- Look over this way.
No, not all the way.
- Ass? I don't like that.
I don't like that.
Can you just give me more sex? You know, feel it.
Yeah.
This isn't working.
No, I hate everything.
I hate everything.
Sam, where's my sex buzz? You didn't get laid today, did you? No, it's-it's- Your-Your assistant is looking at me kind of funny.
Is one of your nipples higher than the other? - Weirding me out.
- Okay.
Enough, enough.
Everybody out.
Out.
Just- Okay.
- Do you want a beer? - I'm-I'm-I'm 19.
I won't tell your mom.
What are you feeling? Um-Well, if I was a soup I would probably be minestrone.
Keep talking.
I like your honesty.
So does the camera.
Uh- Well- You're really hot, so there's that.
There's definitely that.
But I-I love my girlfriend.
The one who doesn't have sex with you? Um- Yeah-Uh, I kind- I'm also feeling kind of scared.
- Of me? - Well, it's just that this job is really important to me.
I jus-It's a dream come true.
I'm just worried that if I don't give you what you want, I-I might lose it.
What do you think I want? Hmm? I'm gonna tell you something to leave out of your minestrone of emotions.
Guilt.
There's nobody here.
We can do whatever we want, and nobody has to know.
Hey, my sexy working man.
Look.
I got us a bunch of binge foods to celebrate.
Babe, what's wrong? I'm so sorry.
I cheated on you.
I was at my shoot and this photographer was all over me and it was so intense.
It was like that scene in Fame, and she just kissed me.
And-And then what happened? I got so upset I started crying and then she took some photos of me crying in my underwear, and then I just left- Sam, you didn't cheat on me.
It's not like you kissed her back.
Well, I kind of-sort of did, but it was just, like, one of those reflex reactions that you have when someone kisses you.
Like, kind of, you know, like- See, like that.
I can't do this to you anymore.
Sam, I-I love you so much.
But I'm looking at my life, and I don't think I'm gonna be ready until I'm, like, 30.
And asking you to wait that long is like asking a cheetah not to run.
It's okay.
I'm okay with it.
I- Yeah, it's-it's hard, but I just have this feeling that we're meant to be together.
You know, who's to say that we're not? Y-You think I'm gonna cheat on you? No, actually, I think you won't.
And I think you'll resent me for it.
And I think that we're holding on way too tight and we're not believing in our love and we're gonna break it.
It's gonna burn me to see you with other girls.
But I know this is the right thing.
Just know that whoever I'm with or whatever I'm doing I'd rather be doing it with you.
Hey.
Hey.
Just- Let's make a deal.
If I- If I do decide to change my mind and not wait I'll give you a call.
Deal.
One, two, three, four.
- That was fun.
- You were wonderful! - Oh, thank you.
- They loved you.
They loved you.
That was great.
They're demanding an encore.
If they do, go.
Don't drink it now, drink it later.
Or drink it while you sing.
You're such a good friend to come, um, rise above everything and be here to support him, really.
A friend wouldn't stand any of this.
I'm here because he is the love of my life and nothing and no one is gonna come between us.
Sweet.
Thank you.
Thank you all so very much.
Before we end tonight, I would like to give a very very special thank you to my benefactor, June Dolloway the woman that taught me that talent is worthless unless you can really back it up with passion.
And so I'd like to use that passion to pick my last song.
Because there is nothing I am more passionate about than my fiancé.
So, um, Kurt, would you like to sing this last duet with me? Oh- If you all came here to get to know me tonight there's no better way than seeing me with my one true love.
June, I'm-I'm so sorry.
I-I just had to.
No, no, no.
You two were terrific.
They loved you.
And I'm gonna take credit for all of this.
It's been a long time since anybody's proven me wrong.
June, thank you so much.
Thank you, really.
Thank you for all of this.
Never let anyone-even me- make you doubt what you're sure of.
Okay.
- You.
Come.
Stand.
- Okay.
You remind me of my third marriage.
My husband was gay too.
True love.
Okay, let's have a party.
"The thing about love is that it's not a scarce resource.
The more you give, the more you have to give.
" Aw! - Yay.
- Oh, yay, I love it.
Do you guys like it? I cried, and it wasn't just because I can walk in the script.
Well, she's handing it in to the network, so we should hear soon.
The other one was better.
You know, I always thought that Fanny was the role that I was born to play.
But then I read this.
This is it.
This is my dream role, you guys, and thank you so much for pushing me to get it right.
A toast.
To two glorious years in the greatest city on earth.
- Cheers to that.
- Cheers.
- So very much.
- Holy crap.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, Sam, I am so proud of you.
I did it.
I made my dream come true.
Look at this.
Ah, the abs.
The-The nipples are even.
- Oh, my gosh, this is great.
- It is the start of a great career.
Nope.
Finish.
Came out here to get my junk on the side of a bus, and I did it.
Going out on top- or on the side, really.
What are you gonna do now? I think I'm gonna go back home.
I just want to be in a space where the only sounds I hear at night are the crickets and the rendering plant.
My mind just works better when everything's a little slower.
Plus, everybody here is just scattering anyway, so- - It's the end of another era for us Glee kids.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's been quite a year, you guys.
Finn and the Glee Club- I don't think I can really handle losing anything else.
Who said that you have to lose anything? No, he's right.
It's like the end of an era.
Sam said it.
We're all gonna be scattered all over the place soon.
You do realize that if I get this TV show it'll be the first time that we're apart in five years.
Well, I think if we can get through that, our friendship can survive anything.
- Oh.
- Kurt's right.
I'm in this with you guys for the long haul.
Okay, then, you know what, you guys? Let's make a deal.
Six months from now, we all come back, right here, to this place.
Because I'm gonna need something to look forward to.
If I've learned anything this year, it's that you guys are my life.
Let's hug it out.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Bring it in.
Oh, guys, I would kill to break out in song right now.
Hello? Yes.
Oh.
No-Yeah.
Th-Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Okay.
That was the network.
They, uh- They loved the script, and they want to make it into a pilot.
- I'm going to L.
A.
- What? - I'm going to L.
A.
! - What? This is amazing.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Is this really happening? Oh, my God, am I gonna be on TV? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!