Great News (2017) Episode Scripts

Celebrity Hacking Scandal

1 Hey, Aidan, didn't see you at the intern softball game this weekend.
I got a home run.
But don't ask anybody about it, because they'll lie and say I sat on a ball and had to - go to the hospital.
- I didn't go because I'm actually not an intern anymore.
Oh, they let you go? Gosh, it's the nature of the biz, I guess.
One day you're up, and the next you're sitting on a blow-up pillow because your perineum's dented like a can at the supermarket.
No, I got promoted.
I'm a PA now.
Oh, really? Congratulations on all your success.
Okay, get this: that fink Aidan got promoted.
- Wait, who? - Aidan, the intern from downstairs who started after me.
Ugh, what is this feeling I have? I'm sad, I'm angry, I want to [demon voice] Destroy him.
It's okay, you're experiencing professional jealousy, like how I used to get so mad about Cheryl from my college because she thinks she's so great because she wrote one book about college.
[crumples] I wanna move up in this business.
Why does Aidan get to skip the line? Why, because he asked for extra assignments? Because he doesn't take a nap every day in the tape room? I'm gonna take a nap in the tape room.
No, Mom, he's not skipping the line, he's hustling, like me.
Why do you think - I didn't go home last night? - Because you live in a 16th floor walk-up in the Werewolf District? No, because I was working on the story of a lifetime.
Guess how many celebrities got hacked this month.
- 83? - 29, why did you guess such a high number? Anyway, I did some digging.
It's 1:00 a.
m.
, I'm staring at Kate Upton's natural larges, - and you know what I realize? - Okay, okay, I saw this coming.
I love you no matter what, just promise me that you will wear the dress at the wedding and she'll wear the tux - with the sneakers.
- No, Mom, that the hacks could be connected to something bigger.
I found these message boards that the hackers use to talk to each other, and I found a source who is willing to talk, and that's not an assignment, - Mom, that is me, hustling.
- Okay, I get it.
Well, maybe I could be a hustler like you.
[humming "The Hustle"] Mom, be serious.
[humming in a lower register] No, I'm just kidding.
I understood this conversation.
[upbeat news broadcast music] Sorry I'm late, everyone.
I just came from a three-hour management seminar entitled "How to Keep Your Morning Meetings Focused and On Task.
" So I have something I wanna say.
As you know, I love being an intern, but I don't want to be an intern forever.
As Jay-Z once said, "I'm a hustler, baby.
Noodles ask about me.
" He doesn't really say "noodles" - in the song.
He says - Okay, Mom, maybe if you would - just get to the point? - I want to pitch a story - for tonight's show.
- Carol, I admire your pluck, but let's leave the pitching to the professionals.
- Gene, what have you got? - How about an investigative piece where we follow the cantor from my synagogue who's always texting my wife? Okay, Carol, what do you have? Oh, so the story is Biscuit Blitz.
It's a phone game that all of my friends and I play, and the scoop is, it's fun! Congratulations, Carol.
Took a lot of guts to say something that stupid in front of a room full of people.
You should be proud.
Well, I don't think it's stupid.
Biscuit Blitz is everywhere - right now, actually - Oh, it's everywhere, huh? That's funny, I don't remember hearing about it this morning - from my shoeshine man.
- Well, I think - we should do the story.
- Fine, Katie, you can produce Portia's and I guess Carol's Biscuit Blitz piece.
- [gasps] - I actually have a hacking - story that I would really - Look, Portia, I understand why you think some little game is newsworthy, since your last job was at E! co-hosting "Fashion 911" Um, it was "Fashion 9-11," and it was immediately canceled.
But journalists can't just report on what they like.
What, should I interview my bird on the show? Wait, should I interview my bird on the show? Can you stop mansplaining my job to me and interrupting me - every single time I - Shh, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, you have to listen to someone who knows better.
Well, I'm just happy that my story's on the show tonight.
Great meeting, gang.
Let's get to work.
We haven't done anything yet, Carol! We just watched two people fight! Greg? Greg, I don't wanna do that Biscuit Blitz piece, but it's for a really good reason.
I think I'm about to crack the biggest story of my career.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, let's hear it.
- Yeah, you better roll up those sleeves 'cause this is some "Spotlight" shizz.
Okay, so I think the recent celebrity hacks are part of a bigger story, and I found a source who I'm hoping will be willing to spill the electronic beans, or, as the hackers might call them, e-beans.
- And who is this source? - I can't tell you, or know that, but his handle is Doctor Skullcrusher, except the Ls are 1s.
Isn't that so computer-y? Wait, wait, wait, put the sleeves back up.
So what you're saying is, you have nothing.
Well, Greg, you're not giving me a ch Look, I get it.
We all dream about bagging the big story, but our job isn't tracking down clues or meeting mysterious sources.
It's saying stuff on TV that people already read on the Internet.
Okay, but, Greg, aren't you afraid that you're gonna miss out? This could be huge.
No, I'm scared that you're gonna chase an anonymous source and wind up making a fool out of yourself.
Wait, why would I make a fool out of myself? Do you not trust my instincts? I mean, come on, you remember what happened when you tried to break a story on the fashion industry? My source turned out to be an ad bot for Ann Taylor Loft, and I fell in love with him, but that wasn't my fault, - he kept calling me.
- Exactly.
- Do not waste your time on this.
- But, Greg, I - I said no.
- [phone ringing] Howard, hey, it's really not a good time.
[robotic voice] Hello, Katie Wendelman.
Spring into spring with savings at Ann Taylor Loft.
This is so exciting.
We're producing - a piece together.
- Sure, Mom, and which part of - the work are you doing, again? - I'm gonna be giving the speech when we win the Daytime Emmy.
I have a lot of people - I need to tell off.
- Okay, here's the script for the Biscuit Blitz piece.
I picked the font that Katie didn't use.
- [phone buzzes] - "I can meet to talk between 4:00 and 4:30.
It's now or never.
" Who are you texting? Are you still dating - that undertaker? - No, Portia, I said I wish I was dating The Undertaker, from wrestling.
No, I have a source, and he wants to talk.
Oh, are you gonna meet him? Greg won't let me.
He says I have bad instincts.
Oh, he won't let you? Katie, it's sometime between 2010 and 2020.
Women need to stop listening to guys like Chuck and Greg and start listening to their gut.
- My gut says he's wrong.
- My gut says I'm hungry, but my hips say, "Shut up!" You need to speak to your source, and I need to stand up to Chuck.
But I can't leave now.
I'll miss the show.
Well, the piece is basically done, and if Greg asks, I'll just say that you flushed your leg down the toilet again.
Okay, thanks, Portia.
Okay Ooh, I see a typo.
Oh, good catch.
Why don't you just fix whatever needs fixing? And then we'll be good to go.
You mean produce the piece? Yeah, who cares? [upbeat music] Oh, I'm sorry, Chuck.
I didn't mean to take up - more space than a woman should.
- Oh, well, thank you for apologizing, Portia.
That's very thoughtful of you.
No, Chuck, I'm manspreading to make a point about your mansplaining.
You're not making any sense.
Are you on drugs? Did you smoke one of those electric marijuana kazoos? She scratched me! Just, in light of what happened this morning, I would love it if this rehearsal didn't devolve into a petty fight, please.
He needs to apologize for talking down to me in front of everyone.
I was trying to save you from doing a stupid story.
It was an act of chivalry.
It's like when you lend a woman your coat because she's cold or you go watch the game when she's having a baby.
Just because you don't know what Biscuit Blitz is doesn't mean it isn't news.
It's the most downloaded app for 18 to 35-year-olds with 100 million users and annual profits exceeding the GDP of the Maldives, but you wouldn't know that because your demographic is mummies, who rose from the dead and found a suit.
Uh Excuse me.
I have to get this.
It's my doctor.
Hello? Oh, so I have tested positive for diarrhea then.
I have to leave the room? Oh, no, I'm in a conversation that I love and I know what I'm gonna say next in.
Oh, well, you're the doctor.
Bye.
I don't know if you heard any of that, Portia, but I Get out.
[suspenseful music] [police siren wailing] - [exhales] - [doorbell buzzes] Oh, God, I hope he's not a murderer.
I really don't want my age in the newspaper.
Oh, hi, is your father, the source, home? No, baby, it's me.
I'm Doctor Skullcrusher.
Oh, my God, but you're You're a kid.
The Ls were 1s because you're 11, playa.
Here's how it's gonna go down: I got info that you want, but I'm gonna need three things.
One, you take me to see the new "Beauty and the Beast.
" Emma Watson has natural larges.
- Uh.
- Two, you write a five-page report on the Dust Bowl for Miss Regina's class.
Three, we touch tongues, and you post it on your Instagram.
Okay, I'm obviously not gonna do any of that stuff because you are a tiny liar, and I already saw - "Beauty and the Beast.
" - How was it? It was pretty scary.
Excuse me, who are you? - Why are you talking to my son? - Hi, yeah, I can explain.
I met your son in an online chat room.
Okay, I'm in a run.
[upbeat music] - Carol, get in here.
- Oh, sorry, Chuck.
Oh, I've been busy producing a news piece.
Unrelated, do you know how to produce a news piece? Look, I need you to fill me in on Biscuit Blitz.
Really? This morning, you said Biscuit Blitz was stupid.
Well, I'm a newsman.
I have natural curiosity.
Also an extreme desire to make Portia eat her words like a big, fat peanut butter sandwich.
There's nothing much to know, Chuck.
All you do is download it and play.
Uh, well, why don't you download it for me? My assistant used to be the tech-savvy one, but she turned 90 and died of natural causes.
Hold on.
You don't have one app? Not even "Calkalator"? No, when I first opened the map, a little blue dot followed me everywhere I went.
I said, "Enough, I'm not gonna be terrorized.
" I said, "Take off everything" except for the little green phone.
" There you go, this is Biscuit Blitz.
This is what everyone's talking about? [chuckling] All you do is line up the little pretend biscuits, - and then oh, they explode.
- Mmm, good! It talks.
Hey, how are ya? I'm Chuck, and I love you.
Just do that one, right there.
[shouts] Leave us, Carol! A spokesman for the FEC announced that there will be a special election to fill all 37 vacant Senate seats.
A gruesome reminder to always make sure someone is driving your party bus.
That's our show.
Good night.
Hey, there you are.
Great work on that Biscuit Blitz piece.
I think that's one of the - best segments we've ever done.
- It was? - Huh? - Oh, yeah.
And I was thinking, someone who's capable of producing such high quality content surely deserves a promotion.
- A promotion, like Aidan? - Oh, definitely.
Above all the Aidans.
But, Katie, you produced it, right? You should get all the glory.
Maybe you should be given the employee of the month hat.
No, it was me! I produced the segment! I deserve the hat! Of course it was you, Carol.
It was terrible.
It was the worst segment we've ever done.
- Is there a hat for that? - Carol, news stories usually answer the questions who, what, and why.
Yours did, in a way.
Who is this woman? What is she doing? Why is she ruining my life? So was it worth it? Did your source crack open the story of a lifetime? 'Cause I have a slight suspicion he did not, and you're starting to feel - a bit like an idiot right now.
- Well, you're wrong.
- He did, and I don't.
- You're lying.
Like that time I asked if you'd ever tried sushi.
I have, it was wet and smoky? My source was legit, okay? And he confirmed that I am big-time right.
Well, we can't just sit on a story like that, can we? - Mm-mm.
- Let's lead with it tomorrow.
- Great.
- Great, and when it airs, I'll buy you a celebratory dinner, just remind me, what are your favorite - sushi rolls again? - Sweet tuna, super crab, dragon carnival, Colorado rolls, and, my personal favorite, a big ol' bowl of snake eggs.
[suspenseful music] Mom, you're on my sad couch.
Scooch over.
I'm sorry I made a mess of your piece.
I guess I hustled too close to the sun.
Yeah, so did I.
Now I have 24 hours to just create a story out of thin air or admit that Greg was right and that I have terrible instincts.
Don't you listen to him.
You know who had terrible instincts? Your great-aunt.
She married two different serial killers.
But, Mom, why would Greg say it if it wasn't true? You know, insults are just a sign of insecurity.
You remember your high school bully.
She used to say, "Katie's a bad basketball player," when she was the one in the wheelchair.
Mom, you're right.
Why is Greg being so hard on me? He called me an idiot and said I'd make a fool of myself.
Do you think he's covering up some weird insecurity? Maybe that's a story.
Who? Greg.
What? Being weird.
Why? Who knows? - Me.
No, I don't.
- I'm gonna do some more reporter-ing and find out, 'cause, thanks to you, Mom, - I have another hunch.
- Now that I've helped you, - I can finally take a nap.
- Both: Mom! I knew you were gonna say it like that.
Okay, fine, I'll keep hustling.
I'll keep hustling.
Good morning, Greg.
I think I've finally cracked the story, and I've got all the evidence - I need right here.
- That is a tiny penguin.
It's oh.
Well, if you're sure about this, we should do it properly.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right, come on in, everyone.
Katie has the story of a lifetime.
Are you sure you wanna do this? Are you sure you wanna do this? This should be very interesting.
Especially since I tricked Carol into telling me your source was a 12-year-old boy.
He was 11, and that's not the story I'm talking about.
I haven't cracked my phone hacking story yet, but what I did crack is the story of why you're being such a turd to me.
- [gasps] - [murmurs] I thought more of us were going to murmur.
Katie, I'm not sure what it is you think you found.
You don't think I'm an amazing reporter, but check this, Jack Cool phrase.
You started acting weird when I wanted to meet with an anonymous source, and here's why, Jack.
You once had your own anonymous source, and this happened.
Instincts Attack! Oh, no.
Tonight on this live special, we'll be making the world's first human contact with the Loch Ness Monster.
- Wait what? - I got what seemed like a credible tip from an Internet renowned monster scientist.
Let's just fast-forward, shall we? Three hours later.
Well, that was a load of crap.
All we found was a boot.
Whose bloody, stupid idea was this then, eh? Eh? Any of you? Did I do that? In my defense, we had just gotten "Family Matters" in the UK, so that was actually a very cool thing to say.
I didn't make a fool of myself.
You made a fool of yourself.
I didn't have bad instincts.
- You had bad instincts.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[all murmuring] Okay, so now we're doing the murmur at the end.
Hey, Chuck.
Can I help you with something? Actually, I do need something.
Can you get me my eye drops? They're in the trunk of my car next to what may seem like makeup for men.
It's actually makeup - for women, that I use.
- Ah, you have dry eye from playing Biscuit Blitz all night.
I didn't play all night.
I took a long break to pee into that jar.
You're only on level three? Ah, I know the problem.
You're not using Biscuit Bombs.
I don't need to.
I know what I'm doing.
Shh, honey, honey, honey, you need to listen to someone who knows better.
Why is this know-it-all tone going into my ears instead of coming out of my mouth? I don't need you momsplaining to me something I already know.
Oh, crap.
I just learned a lesson.
About the way you spoke to Portia yesterday? Yes, I was so condescending.
And if journalism is half as important to her as Blitzing is to me, then, wow, just wow.
Carol, thank you.
Don't forget my jar.
No, no, no, wait, ah, I'm crocheting you an apology, and it's not done yet.
It's supposed to be a blanket that says, "I'm sorry, Greg.
" - I am sorry.
- It's fine.
No, for real.
I I meant to only privately humiliate you, and then, you know, maybe show our coworkers later.
- Behind your back.
- Unfortunately for you, you're not the only good reporter around here.
Wait, I'm a good reporter? I've done a little investigating of my own.
About you.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
In high school, you attended Court Jester Camp - at Medieval Times.
- Gah.
And who could forget the scathing op-ed you wrote for your college paper about how there should be more cake options in the dining halls? "Chocolate and Vanilla Leave Students Wanting More.
" And I dearly love your "World of Warcraft" character, - L'Erotica the News Elf.
- Okay, she was the best reporter in the realm, but, wait, go back to the part - about me being a good reporter.
- I'm sorry I doubted your instincts.
Maybe that source - of yours was legit.
- No, he definitely was not.
He keeps texting me asking if I wanna do a stripper dance - at his friend's bar mitzvah.
- I also did a little digging on him.
His father works for - a cyber security firm.
- Wait, you think that kid - might know something? - Uh, you think? Sorry, I guess I was still a little mad.
Thought you were coming alone.
Who's your friend? Would you two be willing to lez out at Mark's bar mitzvah? Okay, listen, you little punk.
If you don't tell me everything you know, I will make your life a Dust Bowl.
I don't know what that means.
I never did my report.
You better listen to what she says, all right? You do not want to see her angry.
Do you think this is some kind of joke? That famous butts and wangs are just out there - for the world to see? - It's not just celebrities.
It's a huge data breach.
They think - it's an app or something.
- What's the app? I've got your teacher tied up in a warehouse, soaked in kerosene.
Katie, just dial it back a tad.
I don't know! Why are you doing this? It's my birthday.
It's your birthday? I'm so sorry, but I made you a blanket that will say, - "Happy birthday, Source.
" - Why are you here again? - Get out of our lives! - Should we run? Mm-hmm.
Portia, I'm not good at apologizing.
Uh, was that it? Well, let me try this again in language you understand.
Urban Dictionary defines "apologizing" as a sex act where the man stands - in the tank of a toilet - Okay, fine, fine, I accept your apology, as long as you can admit that there are some things I know better than you.
Yes, Portia, of course.
I promise.
And from now on, I will listen and not always assume I know best.
Maybe I am good at apologizing.
Hey, Chuck, I think you just got hacked.
The "New York Post" published your fiber journals.
What? Oh, God.
I hope they don't find my drunk voice mails to Nancy Pelosi.
I can explain the nickname "Captain Orgasm.
" - It's worse than it sounds.
- You know, just a piece - of advice, when I was hacked - I'm not listening to you.
I know about this.
I know about everything.
[Portia sighs] Aidan's gonna have a field day with this.
Oh, I download one app on my boss's phone and look what happens.
- Wait, one app? - Yeah, Biscuit Blitz.
Maybe that's what that kid was talking about.
Biscuit Blitz is the data breach.
It's on everyone's phone, it has access to - 100 million users worldwide.
- Oh, my God.
- Do you know what this means? - You may have just cracked - the story of a lifetime.
- No, it means I pitched the story of a lifetime.
Oh, you take that, Aidan.
I'm gonna rub his face in it.
That twerp.
[laughs] Wait, wait, I found something.
It's the other boot.
Well, my career in England's over.
Maybe I could move to America, become a better version of myself, like Stefan Ur'kel.
Thanks for nothing, Nessie.
[splashing] [ominous music]