Great News (2017) s01e10 Episode Script

1 [phone buzzing.]
[soft moan.]
Hey, pumpkin, how's it going? Amazing.
Not having a job is the best.
My DVR is at 0%.
I got a congratulations certificate from Time Warner.
That's great, honey.
But it's been a couple of weeks.
Have you thought about applying for a new job? Maybe you could even ask Greg for Greg stood by and let his grandma fire me.
I'm never speaking to him again.
You know, maybe I don't want to be a journalist anymore.
What? No, that's what you've always wanted.
You need to get back on the horse.
Like when you were going through your chunky phase and you broke that pony's back at the fair.
Did I let you quit? No.
I made you get back on another pony, and they had to put two ponies down that day.
Wait, where was I going with this? [softly.]
I don't know.
Hey, Greg, I know Gram said that interns aren't allowed in the morning meetings anymore, but my doctor diagnosed me with a chronic case of FOMO.
No, Carol.
Get out.
Greg, would I be able to leave early for a commercial shoot? I'm the spokeswoman for Pubeisse, America's number one leading pube lengthener.
No, Portia.
Gram looked at your contract.
You're only allowed to endorse products owned by our parent company.
You know what? I'm sick of Gram's rules.
Me too.
She said I can't wear hoodies anymore.
This blazer's so hard and crunchy against my skin.
And she made me tuck my braid into my shirt 'cause she said it was "gross" and "a ladybug flew out of it.
" Yeah, Gram's always like [in Gram's voice.]
"I cannot tolerate your kind.
" - Both: What? - Say what? [in normal voice.]
Oh, no, no, not Jewish people, - master impressionists.
- Oh.
[in Chuck's voice.]
"I'm Chuck.
Where's my pudding cup?" - [applause.]
- Well done.
Nice.
Well, as usual, I'm the real victim here.
Gram's idea for "The Yellow Digital Suite" is ruining my life! Now let's see what you, the viewer, had to say about the new EPA regulations.
All right, Twitter user FunnyDude49 says, "Chuck Pierce looks like Fred Savage from the future "came back to warn present-day Fred Savage that when he's old, he'll be a meth addict.
" [downtempo news music.]
Well, if you don't like the new way our show is run, then you're all very welcome to leave.
I'll never leave.
How did you get back in here? - Scram! - Okay.
[upbeat news broadcast music.]
You need to take a firmer hand with your staff.
Gram, morale is already low.
Worse than when we had our staff retreat at that sewage plant.
Well, I suppose you told them morale would be even lower if they lost their jobs? No? Oh.
[clicking tongue.]
Could you please not make that sound? I'll make whatever sound I please.
[clicking tongue.]
[dramatic quirky music.]
Hey, Chuck.
What you doing? Oh, Gram says I need to start tweeting.
I remember when news was just a man and a camera, reporting in the sunset.
Now it's just an emoji of a man and a camera and a sunset.
Hey, is that anything? Should I tweet that? Absolutely not.
Chuck, I need your advice about Katie.
Ever since she got fired, it seems like she's lost her mojo.
Lost her mojo, huh? Listen, there's a very athletic pool boy in Montego Bay, his name is Devar.
For $2,000, he can No, I mean she doesn't want to be a journalist anymore.
Oh, Carol.
Every great journalist has a moment in his career when he wants to quit.
For me, it was the day that I misreported that John Kerry's running mate was the John Edwards who talks to ghosts.
Okay, okay.
But what do I do? The only thing you can do, Carol.
Show her some tough love.
Oh, Chuck, Katie's my baby.
I could never be tough on her.
- Carol, you just have to.
- Oh.
That's what my mentor, Morley Safer, did to me.
He drove me out to the desert.
He said, "You can either die out here or come back a journalist.
" And I did both.
[rousing sting.]
So how's the job hunt going? Mm.
It's really great.
Actually, I just applied for a job as a news manager.
Wonderful.
What network? Oh.
I'm sorry.
That's confusing.
I meant "gnus.
" G-N-U-S.
The job's cleaning their cages at the zoo.
I already heard back, though.
I didn't get it.
Okay, listen up.
I know you're my baby, but I am done being soft on you.
You need to I need to what, Mommy? [dainty music.]
You you need to try more work.
But I got fired.
- Oh.
- I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'll become a bwand ambassador for a vodka company.
Oh, Katie, forget it, forget it.
You don't need to change anything about yourself.
You're perfect.
Mommy's gonna take care of you for the rest of your life.
Oh, Mom, that is such a relief 'cause, you know, I can't pay rent without a job, but if you're willing to take care of me, then I'll just move back in with you.
Ooh, that's great.
I haven't touched your room since you left.
And, hey, I'm no mooch, okay? I'm gonna pay you guys rent in kisses.
- [smooching.]
- [chuckles.]
[smooching.]
It's what I always wanted.
So why doesn't it feel like it? [somber quirky music.]
Well, maybe Katie moving back in means she's not a self-sufficient adult, which means we didn't do our job as her parents.
'Kay, I was talking to myself, Dave.
Go rake.
You got it, my love.
- Hey, Carol.
- [gasps.]
Dad hasn't gotten around to doing my laundry yet, so I went into your closet.
Zazzy, huh? Yeah, zazzy.
Well, I got to go to work.
Both: Bye, pumpkin.
[pensive quirky music.]
[sighs.]
Now, what to watch for the girl who has watched everything? Ugh, is that Gram's show? Yeah, I'll hate-watch this.
Ugh.
[rousing theme music.]
This is "Pond Scum.
" Congratulations, Portia, Gram has named you new spokeswoman for her line of fascinators.
I don't want to do this, Greg.
It hurts my head, and the bird keeps being like [trills.]
But really quiet so only I can hear it.
[light indistinct chatter.]
See? Remember to feed your hat one worm a day.
Good-bye.
[groans.]
Listen, Greg.
[exhales.]
What do you want? You need to give Katie her job back.
I'm sorry, but what's done is done.
You know what, Mister Man? I am sick and tired because I never sleep and I only eat casserole, but I'm also sick and tired of you.
You're making everyone miserable just so you can impress your grandma.
Well, shame on you.
[clicks tongue.]
Please, do not make that noise.
What noise? This noise? [clicking tongue.]
- [wheezing.]
- Greg? - [items clatter.]
- Greg, what's going on? Oh, my God, I knew it.
Tough love kills children.
You know, Ang, that's the lady that fired me.
Really? She fired you? You never mention it.
Well, I think it's a product people will really want.
And since I've definitely got the money to invest, my offer to you, good sir, is 10 billion caviars.
Well, wrong again, Leach.
One day, companies will know everything about a consumer.
If you can hack into his desires, then you can rule the world.
I've invested a great deal of money into discovering people's secret wants.
And what they don't want is a megaphone that makes your voice into a fart.
Well, I'm in, and I think Oh, my God, Ang, I got a hunch.
Yeah, it's from sitting on the sofa for too long.
Don't worry; there's nothing you can do about it.
[flatulence.]
[cell phone ringtone plays.]
Booty, booty call booty, booty call - Hello? - Mom? I finally figured out who owns Biscuit Blitz.
It's Gram.
Wait, what? But it all makes sense now.
Why did she mysteriously show up as soon as I started looking into that story? Oooh! And why did she fire me as soon as I started getting too close? Ahh! And why wouldn't she let me take home my bankers boxes after I had been fired? Ohh-aahhh-oohh! Hey, I've been trying to get in touch with Greg.
Is he at work with you? Well, he's with me, but not exactly at work.
What's going on? You have your "don't tell Dad" "I bought another Haiti time-share" voice.
[nervously.]
Do I? Hey.
Katie? I didn't think you'd come, considering the last time we saw each other, you'd just been fired and you said, "I wish I'd eaten breakfast" this morning so I can take a dump on your desk.
" I did say that.
I'd say it again.
So how have you been? I've been really Really good.
Uh, how are things with you? Amazing, I'm actually doing really, really, really well.
He was crying and asked for gummy aspirin.
Thank you, Arnold.
He's got a brain thing.
- I screwed everything up - I did research - At the office and it's - And found out that Gram - Not the same without you.
- Owns a company that owns Biscuit Blitz.
Wait, Gram owns Biscuit Blitz? You screwed everyone at the office? I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said.
You think my Gram is an evil criminal mastermind who's scamming millions of consumers, and you expect me to believe you? I know.
I know.
And, no, I don't expect - you to believe me, but - Well, I do.
She's the worst.
Her own grandson's in hospital.
She doesn't even come and visit.
So what are you saying? I'm saying I'm in.
[sly music.]
Let's take this bitch down.
[suspenseful quirky music.]
We know you own Biscuit Bitch, so take that, you blitz! Damn it, I practiced that 30 times.
We have proof tying your company to the hacking scandal, Gram, so you either come clean now or we expose it on the show tomorrow.
I never heard such claptrap.
And shame on you, Gregorious, for allowing yourself to be seduced by a pretty face spewing lies.
No, you're not gonna spin this and get us off track.
Do you really think I'm pretty? Look, this isn't easy, you know? I don't want you and the rest of the family to hate me.
I'm sick of being alone on Saint Wiggin's Day, eating store-bought crumb fairy, but what choice do I have? Oh, all right.
Suppose I was responsible for this hack, what then? Do you two own a cable news network on which to expose me? Because I do.
Do you really think that we haven't thought about that? [chuckles.]
Tell her, Greg.
Actually, we haven't thought about that.
Tomorrow, we will run my version of the story, that Biscuit Blitz did hack into people's phones without my knowledge and I heroically put a stop to it.
You have no proof that I orchestrated anything.
And if anyone deviates from my story, I will make the call and shut down the show.
You know, I wish I'd eaten dinner, - 'cause I want to take a - Katie.
No.
We're done.
[brooding music.]
Honey? You okay? Not really.
[soft laugh.]
You always sat out here when you were upset.
Like the night your high school boyfriend dumped you.
I wonder what he's doing now.
B-billionaire.
Well, Mom, I failed again.
Baby, you did not fail.
I give up! I'ma go to a bar, get dwunk.
[dainty music.]
Okay.
You did not fail, but you're gonna.
What, Mommy? If you quit now, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Look at yourself.
Is this what you want to be? An unemployed 30-year-old living with your parents? Well, tough noogies.
Because I'm not babying you anymore.
Your dog didn't leave for Hollywood to work in the Universal Studio Animal Actors show.
She died! And none of your dolls went to the doll hospital.
They all went in the garbage disposal! Oh.
And that mark on your lower back, that wasn't a mole that we had removed.
You were born with a Okay, okay, okay! You're right, Mom.
I can't give up.
- Tough love worked.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm gonna stop being so nice to Dave.
Okay, I got to get everyone together and come up with a plan.
Ugh, but where? It's got to be someplace Gram would never go, you know? Somewhere that would make her skin crawl.
Somewhere that she would literally rather die - than set foot in.
- Mm.
You know what? You did not have to describe my house like that.
I am very offended.
Dave.
- Dave, go get the veggies.
- Okay, dear.
Okay, guys, we have to get our story out before Gram runs her version.
Now, I know it's a lot to ask.
If we take down the woman who runs the network, we could potentially lose our jobs.
But why did we become journalists if not to uncover the truth and use it to change the world? You know what? I'm in.
- Really? - Yeah.
I hate Gram and this crunchy suit.
And because we're journalists.
No, just the suit.
I'm in too.
Because of my speech? What speech? You know what? I'm in too.
Gram is mean AF.
That's a Twitter term which I can only assume stands for mean "as Frankenstein.
" There is another term, DTF: Don't Touch Frankenstein.
To which I usually just reply, WTF: Won't Touch Frankenstein.
Right, so we're all in.
Now, what is the plan? Yeah, how are we supposed to do a show exposing Gram if she's watching the entire time? Because we will be doing two shows, one show for Gram and one show for the rest of the world.
[all exclaiming.]
Ooh.
I don't get it.
Mom, I explained the whole thing to you before everyone came over.
I know, but I was busy cleaning up.
No one's ever seen my house before.
I love it.
It's so funny.
Oh.
Okay, so here's the plan.
[dramatic electronic music.]
Every day, at 3:00 p.
m.
, Gram has a cup of tea in the break room.
Oh, yeah, and then she takes her glasses off when she drinks it because it steams them up! I do that too, but I drink coffee.
Actually, I could go for a cup right now.
Does anyone else want? Dave! [affirmative chatter.]
Okay, focus! Focus.
Justin will create a complex diversion, distracting Gram just long enough so that Beth can gain access to her phone and swap out her glasses.
I can type really fast because I'm currently in a sexting relationship with all of the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Then Greg will return the phone and replacement glasses.
- Why did Greg twirl like that? - Shh.
When Gram goes upstairs to use the nicer bathroom, Mom will slow her down while I sneak into the building.
Chuck and Wayne and I just need to make it to the roof unnoticed.
That's where we'll be broadcasting the real show.
Wait.
My only job is to carry a box? Well, that stinks.
Can't I, like, I don't know, climb an elevator shaft or something? No.
And why are we doing a real show on the roof? - What if it rains? - It won't.
It owes me one.
Gram will never know that the show that she is watching from the control room is just for her and that Chuck, who's blurry image she sees, thanks to her replacement glasses, is just a wax figure.
[in Chuck's voice.]
Good evening.
I'm Chuck Pierce.
We begin tonight's broadcast I don't get it.
Can we say the whole thing over again? [all groaning.]
[tense quirky music.]
Remember, one word off-prompter, and I kill the show and my corgi.
What? Why? [in Chuck's voice.]
Good evening.
We begin tonight's broadcast with an update on the recent Biscuit Blitz hacking scandal and the brave CEO who put an end to it.
Good evening.
Tonight's show will be a little different.
Just a man and a camera and the truth.
Whoa, is he hot? Smokin'.
We take a look at the recent hacking scandal and at the story that one CEO doesn't want you to hear.
[in chuck's voice.]
Mildred Marlock vows to find whoever was responsible, because it definitely wasn't her.
- Portia? - Thanks, Chuck.
Coming up, a Chicago homicide victim refuses to talk.
What is she hiding? Stay with us.
Well, you got your story.
Are you happy now? No, I'm disappointed, the way you ambushed me yesterday.
What kind of man tries to throw his own grandmother under the Oh, what do you call that long, tall car for poor people, uh oh, anyway.
It's a shame because this Saint Wiggin's Day, I was going to make crumb fairy from scratch.
You could have been a part of that, but you had to ruin it.
[clicks tongue.]
[dire music.]
What is wrong with you? The show's fake! What are you talking about, you little turkey? They're broadcasting the real show from the roof! I'm sorry, Gram! [wheezing.]
Oh, what is wrong with these? Why is this in airplane mode? [dramatic music.]
Shut down the show now.
Go to bars and tone.
Which is why we believe that this story may go right to the very top.
- Oh, crap.
- Both: What? Sorry, guys, we're off the air.
- Oh, come on.
- That's right, you are.
I didn't get to where I am by being an idiot.
I got to where I am by being a genius and sleeping with a powerful, fat man.
Do you think I would have orchestrated this hack if I thought it was ever going to be tied to me? It just did, though.
Smile, Gram.
You're on "The Breakdown.
" And now we are off the air.
- [camera beeps.]
- For real.
What the hell is going on? - Well, when you - Congratulations, Gram.
You just incriminated yourself on live TV.
Dude, why are you the one that's saying everything right now? - I came up with the whole plan! - Shh.
I didn't have a panic attack, Gram.
I just needed to trick you into confessing on camera.
But I called the network.
No, you didn't.
I reprogrammed the contact in your phone to Beth's number.
I'm surprised you didn't think it was weird when I said, "Okay, I'll shut down the show, Gram.
" I don't know your name.
The bars and tone were a graphic, you crunchy-suit loving bitch! No, no, no.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
When I become a grandmother, I'm gonna be nothing like you.
I mean if I become a grandmother.
Seriously, Mom? Right now, you want to talk about - Yes.
- Great.
I refuse to stand here and be lectured by a woman who can only afford 3/4 of a pant.
If it's the last thing I do, I will get you, Gene! No-no-no, no, get me, get me! - Get me.
- [scoffs.]
[somber victory music.]
Way to go, Gene! - Well done, Gene! - [applause.]
Stop, stop it, stop.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, I just wanted to say bye 'cause we probably won't be co-workers anymore because we probably won't have a show anymore.
Right.
But we'll see each other, I'm sure.
Yeah.
And, hey, you know, if you need someone to spend Saint Wiggin's Day with, I can bake that crumb fairy dessert.
It's actually a gelatinous savory dish.
What? But that's lovely.
Thank you.
[inhales.]
- Well? - 'Kay.
[soft chuckle.]
[soft quirky music.]
Gram's been suspended by the board of directors.
The show might be okay.
Were you guys about to kiss? No, it's actually a British celebratory custom.
Oh, cool.
I'll try it.
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
I'll take a kiss.
If you're giving 'em out.
Right.
Okay.
I love other cultures.
I'll take one too.
Excellent.
You don't have to do this.
I know.
You did such a good job today.
Well, I couldn't have done it without you, Mom.
Or Gene.
That guy's the man.
You know, I-I know it took a lot for you to get tough with me, but I'm so happy that you did.
Thanks, Mom.
You're welcome, pumpkin.
And thanks for finally seeing me as a gwown-up.
I'm glad having your mom at the office hasn't ruined your life.
I need a mom sometimes.
We all do.
[pleasant string music.]
Night, kids.
All: Good night, Carol.