Harvey Beaks (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mr. & Mrs. Borks

1 [cheerful music] Harvey # Harvey # # Harvey # Harvey, I tell ya, I think about my wedding day quite often.
That was one of the happiest days of my life.
It's so cool to see these photos, Dad.
I wish I would've been there.
Dang it! I wish you could've been too, son, but that would've required time travel.
Mom looks like an angel in her dress.
I still remember what she whispered to me as she walked down the aisle.
"Your fly is down.
" - What's this one about? - Oh, ha.
This one was taken on a small island in Wet Bark Lake.
We sailed out there one afternoon and planted a tree together.
It's where I asked your mother to marry me.
Whoa! What'd she say? Well, bud, she said yes.
Man, I can't wait to get married.
- Really, son? - Of course! What little boy doesn't dream of his wedding day? Hey, look, our marriage certificate.
And it still has my tearstains.
This piece of paper is older than I am.
That day, we stopped being two people and became Miriam and Irving - "Borks"? - What? That's what it says.
"Miriam and Irving Borks.
" What?! I never noticed before.
You never read your own marriage certificate? I don't know! It was a big day! I was busy! Oh, no.
Does this mean your mother and I aren't even married? [stammering] Have we been living a lie this entire time? [sobbing] [suspenseful music] There's nothing to worry about.
You're definitely married.
So what's the problem there, uh, Mr.
Borks? Ah, that.
Listen, ma'am, and, uh - Sir? [snoring] - [smacking lips] Hey, hey.
My last name is Beaks, not Borks.
Oh, well, that's no problem.
This This just doesn't feel right.
Our wedding day was so perfect.
Well, why don't you two get married again? - What? - Have another wedding.
Not only would you be officially married as the Beakses, but I'd be there to see the whole thing.
That's a great idea! We're getting married? Again? Honey, it'll be great.
Flowers, cake.
Me in my tux that may or may not still fit.
[stomach gurgling] The two of us together.
How does tomorrow sound? - Um, okay.
- There's a lot to do.
First, I need to choose a best man.
Harvey? What do you say? Me? Your best man? I need someone dependable, resourceful.
You embody those traits.
I mean, you're literally taking notes right now.
[pencil scribbling] [chuckles] I'd love to.
I won't let you down, Dad.
I'll be the best best man ever.
What does the best man do? Oh-ho-ho, he plans the bachelor party.
Cool, I love planning parties.
Thanks for helping me with the decorations, Fee.
This is already shaping up to be nicer than my first wedding.
I'm surprised you remember that stuff.
Weren't you and Irving babies? What? No, we were married when we were grown-ups.
So you're saying that you, Irving, and Harvey were born at different times? Yes.
Now I feel bad for calling Foo a liar.
I had a life before marriage.
I traveled.
I did cool stuff, and I had my old band, Baroness Hag! You're like a never ending person.
I know how we're gonna spend your last night before you get remarried.
Um, watching Michelle and Nestflix? Hey, Hanzi! You free to watch Michelle tonight? [baby babbles] Oh, sure.
Oh, I can tell we're going to be fast friends.
Oh, but not ow, no, no.
Hey, hey, don't touch.
Be ready for craziness at 6:00 p.
[rock music] Bachelor party, bachelor party, bachelor party! What's a bachelor party? You'll just have to wait and see.
Excelsior! [all laughing] He truly is a jolly good fellow.
Hey, Harvey, everything's set up for tomorrow morning, so tonight we party! That's right.
And as the best man What? II'm the best man? But you're a boy.
Now can a boy really be best man? Oh, oh, okay, I don't want to get in Moff, take 'er easy.
Harvey's the perfect best man.
Go on, son.
Whatever, rules don't matter.
[muttering] Chaos, whatever.
Get your sea legs ready, fellas, because I rented us a cruise boat! Ta-da! All aboard.
All right, guys, I'd like to propose a toast.
To the groom and a fun wild night.
[laughs] Whoo-hoo! If I was best man, there would have been fancy drinks.
[slurping] Land ho! It's the island where I proposed to Miriam.
Look, it's our tree.
[chuckles] [instrumental music] [doorbell rings] Hey, Fee.
Let me just text Irving and tell him I'm leaving.
No, no texting.
Just come with me.
Hurry! Tonight, you don't have a husband or kids.
You're just Miriam Singlewoman.
A red carpet.
How fancy.
Yeah, I couldn't find a real red carpet, so I just tossed a bunch of dirty towels.
Here we are, your luxury party bus.
All: Surprise! Oh, hey, kids.
This is so exciting.
I'm going to guide us to our destination using this GPS.
Piri, those are just tiny bones.
It says the quickest route is through the femur.
So how do you drive this thing? Oh, okay.
Wait, did anybody cut a window for this? I can't see any [all exclaim] - Oh, my - Okay, this way? All right, you crazy dudes.
Welcome to the party.
We've got a bounce house! Slimy string! [exclaiming] And crazy sick beats.
# Friendship, friendship is my friend # # Friendship, friendship # Hey, thanks for the goody bag.
All I got in mine was 3 nickels and a kazoo.
Happy bachelor party! [blowing kazoo sadly] [upbeat tinkling music] [crashing] We're here! The library.
Fee, why did you bring me to my work? You said you liked playing music, so I set up a reunion show for you right now.
What? That's awesome! Oh, but we can't play loud music in the library.
We're not technically gonna be in the library.
We're playing on the library! [rock music] What's up, Littlebark? Are you ready to rock? Oh, hey, Miriam.
You look very cool.
Oh, hey, Bartleburt.
How's Carol? She's okay.
Still with the back problems, though.
Oh, thanks for asking.
We're excited to see your band.
I'm just waiting for the bathroom.
My band.
Um, Fee, I'm not sure I can play a show solo.
Voilà! Both: Surprise! Tara, Pooker.
My bandmates! Oh, we've been waiting under that blanket for over four hours.
Whoo! Yeah! Ladies night! Listen, I'm paying some teenager to watch my 400 kids until 8:00, so let's get weird! Oh, Fee, this is perfect.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage for one night only, the super hot Miriam Singlewoman and Baroness Hag! All right, let's melt their faces.
One, two, three, four! [rock music] [crowd screaming] [cheering] We love you, Littlebark! Hey, everyone, stick around for the story time reading of "Detective Dirk and the Leaky Bucket.
" It's suitable for reading levels 8 through 12.
Hey, put the music back on.
Let's start a pit.
I want to slam dance! [music] Warm milk? No, thank you.
[spitting] Hey, Foo, do you think my dad's having enough fun? How could he not? I'm having fun! Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
This party just needs a boost.
Okay, I know some of you guys wanted a little extra for tonight's party.
So I think you'll like the special surprise that's inside this cake.
[both chuckling] Um, I don't know how I feel about this.
Abracadabra! I'm the amazing Andy! Whoo! Now get ready for two hours of uninterrupted magic! You have got to be kidding me.
What a waste of cake.
[harrumphs] This is unbelievable.
Now pick a card.
- No.
- Any card.
Any card at all! Get away from me! [coughing] [retching] Okay, I'm ready to go home now.
Fellas, come on, don't be like this.
Sorry, Irving, but this party's for babies.
[sighs] [laughter] I got a lot of aggression out on those drums.
The library crowd can really keep a party going.
I'm so glad you girls could come out.
Fee, thanks so much for this party.
Oh-ho-ho, we're not done yet.
Welcome to the after party! All: Ooh.
Your own luxury hotel suite.
We have a bucket and some ants.
I don't get it.
Are we sleeping outside? I have sleep apnea.
This room isn't for sleeping.
It's for destroying! Like real rock stars.
Ooh, I've always wanted to do something like this! [rock music] Yeah! [screams] Yahoo! [all laughing] Yeah! Whoo-hoo! [laughing] Okay, well, it's getting late.
We're gonna head out.
See you at the wedding tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Ha! This party is never gonna end! [grunting] [music] Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoo-hoo! [panting] Come on.
Faster! Uh, it's getting pretty late.
Don't you want to get ready to be married in the morning? Maybe check on Michelle? I don't want to go back to normal life.
I want this night to last forever.
Forever? Oh, no.
Is something wrong, Fee? I broke Harvey's mom! - What? - I just wanted to give her a night as Miriam Singlewoman, but I went too far.
She'll never want to go back to being a mom! [all gasp] I'm just too fun.
Well, congratulations! Harvey's gonna live in a broken home.
He's gonna be just another statistic.
I can't let her run away from her family.
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! [dramatic music] Aw, guys, come on.
We can hang a little longer, right? Irving, I only like to put positive energy out into the world, so I'll say this: your party is awful, and I don't want to be here anymore.
Ah? Someone get me out of here! I think they're right, Dad.
We should probably go home.
All right, all aboard.
Oh, no.
All: The boat! Uh, don't worry.
I can fix this.
We're stranded! I've got everything under control.
Whoa! [flames crackling] [music] [all screaming] Oh, no! Our tree! [all screaming] [screaming] [shrieking] I'm not the best man.
I'm the worst man.
[all screaming and crying] [all crying] You know, this is probably the only bachelor party I'll ever go to.
How very depressing.
Say, magician, since it appears we're going to be here for quite some time, what say you and I form an alliance when we begin eating each other? Oh! Harvey? Where are ya, buddy? We should start working on an escape plan.
I mean, not that I'm not having fun.
[somber music] Hey, best man, what's wrong? I wanted to throw you the best bachelor party ever, but I totally blew it.
It's terrible.
[scoffs] What? People had fun.
[both weeping] I ruined everything.
I even destroyed your special tree.
Well, why don't we plant another one? [gentle instrumental music] Son, I didn't make you my best man for your ability to throw bachelor parties.
I did it because I wanted to spend more time with you, so even though things went a little crazy, it doesn't matter.
You will always be my best man.
Now we should come up with a strategy for when everyone starts eating each other.
I say we target Jeremy first.
Wait, Dad.
I got us onto this island, so I'm gonna figure out how to get us off.
Gather the men.
Whew, how fun.
What's next? The next stop is a surprise.
Just hop in the tour bus.
Let's keep this party going! - Yep.
- Oh! I got her! Huh? What's going on? You are Mrs.
Beaks, not Miriam Singlewoman! - What? - Be gone, evil spirit! I'm sorry, but this is for your own good.
I showed you a life that's too fun, and now you don't want to get remarried tomorrow.
What? Is that what you think I'm gonna do? I just don't want to mess up my best friend's family.
Kids, can you hand me my purse? Claire, don't.
She's gonna use something in there to escape.
But I have to.
She's an adult.
Give me that! - But it's the rules.
- Claire, let go.
Guys, guys! [grunting, blows falling] Ow! [both grunting] [gasping] Huh? Wedding vows? Go ahead and read them.
"When we started dating, everyone asked, "'How'd Irving the nerd get so lucky?' "But it turns out, I was the lucky one, "because I get to be with my best friend "all the time.
"I love how you can never pick a movie to rent, "so we just talk all night.
"I love ordering pizza together "because you burn dinner.
"And I love how you make up silly stories for our kids when they can't go to sleep.
" [sobs] "I love the life we have together, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
" So will you let me out so I can get married? Yeah.
The cage is just cardboard anyway.
Thanks for the amazing party, Fee.
Excuse me.
May I please have everyone's attention? Oh, now what? Still trying to be the best man? No, I'm just trying to be a man, and I invite you all to do the same, because, men, we don't need to be the best.
We just need to do our best for the groom, because he's got a wedding to attend.
His own.
Oh, captain! My captain! - What? - Harvey's right.
Let's get Irving to his wedding! [all cheering] [upbeat funky music] [sawing] # Oh, yeah.
# All right, men.
Let's get to that wedding! The sun is coming up.
Oh, my gosh.
How long have we been hugging? The wedding! [exciting music] Oh, crud! [crowd murmuring] Hey, I thought there was a wedding happening.
Where's the bride and the groom? What the heck's going on? How are we gonna get down there in time? Everyone in the tour bus.
[music] Sorry, Mrs.
- Wait! Is this safe? - Yeah, sure, whatever.
[all screaming] Keep paddling, fellas! Miriam's probably wondering where I am.
What if she thinks I've gotten cold feet or something? What if we never get married? Then I'll never be born! [screams] Can't this thing go any faster? We're carrying too much weight! Pick a card, any card.
[exclaims] There! Now row with all your might! [all screaming] Claire, Piri! You two are on makeup duty.
Don't worry, Mrs.
I've only ruined four of my dolls this way.
These branches! Ow! Would you quit it? This is how I relieve stress, Dade.
[grunting] Oh, no.
What is that? [grunts] [all screaming] [music] [crowd murmuring] This is ridiculous.
Another five minutes, and I'm probably just gonna leave.
[all panting] [exclaiming] [panting] Dad, your tux! [music] - Is everyone okay? - I got some splinters.
There's no time for that! Here's your dress, Miriam.
I cut it into smaller pieces so you can put it on faster.
[gasps] Fee, you're a genius.
Hurry! We need more tape! I can't find the end.
[crowd murmuring] Well, all right, then.
- I'm going home.
- Wait! [all grunt] I'm here! Don't start the wedding without me! [crowd gasps] [all panting] Oh, there you are, Hanzi.
We're ready to start.
But where's Miriam? [dramatic instrumental music] [Mendelssohn's "Midsummer Night's Dream: Wedding March"] [upbeat organ music] She's perfect.
You look beautiful, sweetie.
Aw, and you look so handsome.
Let's get married.
I can't do this.
Take her now.
Hanzi? What's wrong? Your daughter is a lot.
I need to be secluded for several days.
- Wait, what? - Good-bye now.
Who's going to officiate the wedding? I'll do it! - You're a registered officiant? - Of course.
What little boy isn't a registered wedding officiant? Okay, uh this is more complicated than I remember.
How about this? Married! Kiss! [cheers and applause] [music] I now pronounce you Mr.
and Mrs.
Let's get this party started! [upbeat pop music] You're a really lucky guy.
[crying] You treat her right.
[camera shutter clicks] There we go.
Congratulations, Mr.
and Mrs.
Thanks, best man.
Yes, what a wedding.
It was amazing! Please, leave our home.