Haters Back Off (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - I'm Famous

1 Hey, guys.
It's me, Miranda.
So, for today, I'm gonna teach you how to keep your feet warm while you're wearing sandals.
I know, everyone's dying to know.
So, you want to know the secret? Ta-da! So, for this tutorial all you're gonna need is some sandals and, of course some socks.
So, first thing you're gonna do is take the sock, you - Cut! - What? This is missing something.
I I can't quite put my finger on it.
Okay, well, you didn't let me get to the part where I put my thong inside the toe crease.
Let me show you.
I know, I know, but it just doesn't have the same pizzazz as, like, the Free Voice Lesson video.
- I'm pretty sure that would be huge - No, okay? That video gives away all my singing secrets.
Don't post it.
It's just that you were just the grand marshal of the parade! And when you're on top, you have a long way to fall.
One teensy mistake could send you crashing down from your fame throne.
That's why this next video we post has got to be the best! Yeah, you're right.
What ideas do you have? What about a no-charge singing tutorial? Hmm.
Wait! That's the same freakin' thing! What about a no money up-front melodic yelling experience video? What does "melodic" mean? - Singing.
- No! That's the same thing again! Think of something else.
Just think about it, Miranda! Oh, well, hello.
Did you have something you wanted to say to me? I'm just saying, it's probably pretty good that I fixed those paintings for you.
You know, usually when someone helps you get into art school you're supposed to say, "Thank you.
" Hello? Earth to Emily! I didn't get into the art school okay? What? But I spent almost an hour fixing those paintings.
Fixing them? You ruined them.
Emily Did you not see all the glitter and the macaroni? Those paintings looked way better after I got to them.
I was helping you.
I put everything into those paintings and you destroyed them, Miranda.
All of them.
I'm sorry.
Are you sorry? Really? Or are you just so dumb that you thought you were helping me? Oh, is this for me? Correct.
I like your bow tie.
Oh, thank you.
I had a matching hat for it, but I lost it.
What the heck is this? Where's my Froze Toes? Uh, well, this is a Froze Rose.
I made it for you.
It took a long time.
Okay, well, Patrick, you know my regular order.
One Froze Toes, please.
So, I'm really looking forward to our date this evening.
You should be.
I'm still working out some of the details.
Uh Well, it better be really good.
The stakes are high, Patrick.
I'm famous now, so I could be dating anyone I want.
Plus I'm a lady.
Oh, I know.
So you better do something really romantic, like taking me to a fancy restaurant or renting a bouncy house.
A restaurant.
Hey, I know you from church.
You're Amanda, right? He still doesn't even know your name.
How offensive.
And you're Patrick.
He remembered.
- Let me get one of those popsicles, Patty.
- Oh! You can have this one.
I didn't even lick it yet.
Unless Did you want me to? Oh! Thanks, Amanda.
Saves me a buck, right? Oh, yeah.
Purity loves cold treats.
Hey, Owen Wanna pop my bubble? Uh Patrick! How could you? That bubble was for Owen.
Don't worry, I'll blow you a new one.
Okay, you two.
I gotta get goin'.
But where you going? I got a thing.
A thing? Mmm, I love things.
What is it? It's a sound check for my CD release party.
- It's at the Thea, so - it's a pretty big deal.
It's tonight if you guys wanna come.
Oh, well, we're busy tonight.
It's fine.
See you around, Amanda.
The Thea Foss Theater? What the heck? Uncle Jim! Oh! Mr.
Uncle, can I ask you a question real quick before Miranda comes back? Shh! Get down here and hide! Here, we need to hide! Hide, Patrick, hide.
Hurry! Hurry.
Hide! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick! Whoa! Well, I'm trying to shoot a viral video with Miranda.
Now, if she sees us, the prank won't work.
Well, uh, can I ask your advice on something? How many times do I have to tell you, Patrick? There's no one more qualified to give advice than Uncle Jim.
Yeah, of course.
Uh, well, you see, Miranda finally agreed to go on a date with me.
Uh, and my primary objective is to make sure that she's happy.
So do you have any advice on some activities that she might enjoy? Daddy saddle.
- Excuse me? - Daddy saddle.
Ever since she was little, the happiest I've ever seen her is on the daddy saddle.
Well, I I don't think it'd be appropriate for Miranda to ride on me.
Why wouldn't it be appropriate for her to ride on you? We're not related.
And then, next, she says that she wants a bounce house.
- Of course she does.
- Yeah, and it's like, what kind of bounce house do you get a girl? Like, if I got her the dinosaur one, would that send the wrong message? - Yes.
- Uncle Jim! Uncle Jim! Uncle Jim! Oh, shoot! What is this? How come I don't have a show here? Uh, we we can get you a show anywhere you want.
You told me that the Thea Foss Theater was impossible to get into.
It is.
It only books famous people.
- What? - Oh! I mean, uh, famous in the traditional sense.
Not pop or Internet celebrities.
It's very close-minded of them.
Excuse me? I am famous.
I already did all your Five Phases of Fame, plus a parade! I should be enjoying a life of fame and luxury right now, but instead, you keep trying to make me go back to phase one.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'll I'll get you a night at that place, Miranda.
Thank you.
Missed it.
I'm sorry I don't know what to say sometimes.
But the truth is, you're very strong.
And I do need to tell you something.
I need to tell you - I have this syndrome - Mom, please, okay? I don't want to hear about your imaginary ailments anymore.
What? Are you going somewhere? - I'm moving in with Dad.
- What? Why are you still talking to your father? Because I want to move in with him, and he said yes.
But you you don't know what he's really like! I know that he's different than everyone else here.
Well, what about us? We need you.
Mom! I cannot keep cleaning up your messes, okay? I don't want to live in constant fear that someone's gonna glue macaroni to every single thing that I do.
- Can I help you? - Yes, hi.
I'm Miranda.
My manager just called you about booking a gig here for me? Uh, you mean your uncle.
Yeah, I told him that wasn't gonna happen.
- What the heck? - Hey! Oh! Hey, Owen.
Thank God you're here.
I'm trying to book a show here, but this lady's being really annoying.
Claire? No, no, Claire's the best.
She sold out my show in, like, three hours.
Well, it wasn't very hard.
You're so talented.
I think you're more talented than she thinks, so Aw, thanks, hon.
- Hon? - You know this person? Amanda? Yes.
It's pretty hard to forget Amanda.
Stop it.
You should tell her how good I am so she'll give me a show.
Uh, I did see her perform at a funeral the other day and she she really shocked people.
It was It was pretty epic.
Yeah, I made people cry.
I bet you did.
I have an idea.
I have this really big announcement tonight at the end of my show and it could use something epic and you would be perfect.
Oh, well, first of all, thank you for recognizing that I'm perfect.
And, secondly I'd love to do it.
So, you come on and perform.
Get people laughing and then Boom! I'll come out with my big surprise.
Laughing? Don't you mean caressing everyone's ears with my tantalizing sweet voice? You see what I mean? She's awesome! So, can you do it? You have to.
It'd be perfect.
I mean, this is all happening so fast, Owen! Um, obviously, I'm gonna do it because of our connection.
Um, I know a really good love song? Yes.
That would be amazing! - I'll see you later.
- Okay.
I'll see you later.
I'll see you so goodly.
See see ya later.
Did you see the way he looked at me? - Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.
I'm feeling tinglies.
Hello, and welcome to our date.
Hello and welcome to our date.
- Mom.
- Yes? I'm performing at the Thea Foss Theater tonight.
Did you hear what I said? The Thea Foss Theater.
It's sold out.
This is gonna be huge for my career.
Um, have you seen my purse? What? Why are you changing the subject? There it is.
You're gonna be there, right? You bet.
Why are you walking so weird today? Do you have foot warts again? Mom, I swear, if you walk around barefoot and I catch it, I'm gonna be so ticked off at you! Ooh, oh, Miranda! I called the theater and they aren't budging.
But guess what? It gave me an incredible idea.
We gotta go back to phase one.
We gotta get you another viral video.
But this time, it's got to be bigger! And that way, they'll be begging to have you perform on that stage! Enough with the viral video! No, no, but listen.
I came up with an original song.
It's sure to go viral.
It's called "Where My Baes At?" That's a horrible idea.
What the heck's a bae? Uh, I don't know exactly.
Okay, if you don't like that, how about this? We film you swimming in a bathtub full of Slurpees.
Ew, Uncle Jim.
It's not even summer.
Okay, here's one I thought of last night.
A cinnamon challenge.
You know what? Let me stop you there.
I went to that theater and I got myself a gig.
- You did? Without me? - Yes, I did! I did! Yes, without you.
I got a gig tonight.
So thanks for telling me that it was impossible to get into.
I thought it was impossible.
Owen heard my voice and that was all it took.
He practically begged me to be a part of his CD release concert tonight.
What do you think about that? He thinks I'm perfect.
He said that? He said that you were perfect? Yes.
He sees the real me.
You you might be misunderstanding him, Miranda.
Are you serious, Emily? Sounds like someone's jealous because I'm about to get all famous and all the agents and managers tonight are gonna discover me and I'm gonna forget all you little people.
I actually think Emily might be right.
Emily, why are you freaking everybody out? You're just mad because all my dreams are coming true and I'm falling in love, and that dumb art school rejected you.
Bye, Miranda.
Someone's grumpy.
Did you see her with that big old bag of books? - What a nerd! - Nerd alert! - Book burn.
- Book burn.
But, Miranda, I actually think this time, Emily might have a point.
I mean, you don't need these record industry people! You have a secret weapon.
His name is Uncle Jim.
Now let's focus on the viral video.
No! Okay, you got it! I got it! I'm I'm on it! You just, uh, worry about your performance tonight.
I'll, uh, worry about the viral video.
Owen! I just did an incredible entrance and you missed it! Can you please look up here? I'll do it again.
Hey, you.
Hey, April, what's up? Are you excited? Owen! Oh, hi! - What are you guys talking about? - Uh, um I just wanted to say, break a leg, baby.
Thank you.
We both will, "baby.
" - Okay Okay.
- I'll see you out there.
You're so sweet, being nice to the little fans.
All right.
Let me explain everything.
So, your performance is gonna catch everyone off guard.
And the idea is, they'll never be expecting a proposal.
A proposal? Yeah, but that's the surprise, though.
So, shh, don't tell April.
Why would I tell her? Just hand me this after you sing.
But no peeking.
Oh, my gosh! This is so unexpected! This is crazy! Okay.
I'll see you out there.
Great! It's a date! It's a date.
A date.
Hi, Miranda, uh, you're a little late, is everything okay? Yeah.
A lot's happened today.
My schedule got crazy.
Oh, uh, well, that's, um That's okay.
Uh, are you on your way now? I have to cancel.
So So you're not coming tonight, uh Well, that's all right.
Uh, we'll We'll do it again soon.
Actually, it might take me a while to save up for this particular plan again, but, you know, that's That's fine.
I don't think things are gonna work out between us.
Uh Why? What what changed? I'm with Owen now.
What? Listen I like you, Patrick.
But I have to be smart about my love life.
No offense, but I can't date a nobody.
It wouldn't be good for my career.
Besides, when I agreed to go out with you I had no idea that Owen was even interested in me.
I think you'll understand that I have to see things through with him.
We're gonna be that celebrity couple I always knew we could be.
But you and me can still be friends.
No, Miranda I don't think we can.
Guys, I want to thank you all for coming out to my CD release party.
I got a great lineup for y'all tonight.
Uh, this next song goes out to a very special person who's been with me through thick and thin.
My dog Purity.
I love you so much You help me through hard times You're there for good times You make me want to rhyme Because we have such a good time - Hey.
- Oh! You scared the toots outta me.
- What are you doing here? - I'm just checking in.
Uh, have any managers approached you yet? - No, Uncle Jim.
- Oh.
Well, I guess, things, you know I guess they don't always work out like you thought.
Good thing that I have a backup plan already in effect.
That's what I do as your manager.
Sometimes I do things you don't even ask for.
What backup plan? Uh, just a little video that I posted.
What video? Well, as your manager, I had to make an executive decision.
What video did you post? The Free Voice Lesson video is going to do very well.
Uncle Jim, I told you not to post that video! Miranda, you left me no choice.
- Why - You're fired.
More like on fire, because this decision is I said you're fired! Miranda You told me the only way to get famous was through your dumb little phases.
But you were so wrong.
I had to do all the work, all by myself, and look at me now.
You have no idea what you're doing.
I don't need you.
But, Miranda, we're family.
I don't need you.
Before we wrap it up tonight, I have one last surprise for you guys.
Um, please give a very special welcome to my special guest Amanda.
Thank you.
Thank you, Owen.
I have a very special song prepared for you all this evening.
I'd like to dedicate this song to Owen, because at the end of the day, all the sacrifices I have made are worth it because of the love that we share.
This song is called, "And I Will Always Love You.
" If I should stay I would only be in your way So I'll go But I know I'll think of you Every step of the way And I Will always love you, ooh-ooh I will always love you I I will always love you I will always love a-you Okay.
Okay, okay.
Cut the track.
Cut the tape.
That was That was so funny! Okay, you guys, I'm sorry.
That was That was just a little joke that, uh, Amanda and I wanted to play on you guys to throw you off a little bit, uh What I really want to do is, um April, can you come on stage for a second? Thank you.
April Will you marry me? - Yes! - What? But you already asked me! Ah, good one! She's so funny! Okay, seriously, though.
I need to uh, I need to give the ring to to April now, so - No, you gave it to me.
- Yeah, to hold.
This is just a misunderstanding, everybody! He asked me backstage earlier! You're really committing to the joke, right? - Owen, what are you doing? - I'm You okay? Well, thank you.
Anyway she said yes! Stop, stop! Stop! Stop clapping! How could you pick her? I'm way more attractive.
Stop it! Why are you laughing? Why is it funny that someone would love me? Uh Um I think you should go.
- Give me that ring! - No, no! Just Give me the ring! Give me the ring! - Give me the ring! - No, no It's mine! Mom, don't let them do this to me! Someone help, please! Mom! Mom? Pick up! Uncle Jim! Are you there? Hello? Where is everyone? Oh What time is it? Well, if it isn't the little mother who couldn't be bothered to come to her own daughter's performance.
Oh, did I Did I sleep through it? I asked you for one thing, Mom.
One thing.
To be there! Oh, Miranda, you're all wet! Yeah, I'm all wet! I had to walk home in the rain 'cause no one was there for me.
And it's all your fault! No, that's No.
No! "No"? That's it? You have nothing else to say? Nothing, Mom? Nothing else you want to say to me? Mom? Do you want to know why I wasn't there, Miranda? Where are you going? These are why I missed your petty little show! They make me drowsy and they make me forget things! But I have to take them, because if I don't my kidneys could fail before I find a donor! I might die, Miranda.
And all you care about is yourself! And I feel like I'm drowning.
And I'm so scared.
I'm so scared.
And no one in this family is willing to just reach down in the water to help me.
I can't do this.
I'm leaving.
Where are you going? I don't know.
But I don't want to be here.
Fine! Fine? Fine.
Uncle Jim Uncle Jim, it worked!