High Maintenance (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Tick

1 (baby babbling) Yeah, man.
That's the East Coast ticks.
Well, yeah, but we almost didn't go to Montauk, which is what kills me because it's like, last minute, our friends decide to elope, and we went to her parents' summerhouse just to be supportive and, like, go with the flow, even though there's so much to do and we're obviously not even remotely unpacked.
And besides, we left LA to avoid dying in a drought, not so some tick could murder my baby.
Don't blame the tick, babe.
It's the Lyme disease inside the tick that'll kill our daughter.
Oh, you know what, save that for her eulogy.
Like a ticking time bomb.
Quinn: That is in poor taste.
- Jim, great job in the kitchen, man.
- Really, this isn't funny.
I liked it.
What are you doing right now? Yeah, let me know how that pen works out, man.
Hey, can I offer you guys a complimentary housewarming edible? Oh, that's very kind.
- Oh, that's We're fine, babe.
- (baby babbling) - Oh.
- Okay.
I actually have a colleague who wanted your number.
Can I just give it to her or do you need Yeah, sure.
Just, um, just text me her name number and address, and then when she texts me, just make sure she doesn't say anything about weed.
Make sure she just says she wants to hang out.
- Got it.
- Okay? That is the cutest baby I've ever seen.
Oh, thanks, so much.
You are so beautiful.
And the new house.
Can I take any of these empty boxes down or anything? Well, actually, would you mind taking that trash? - I can smell Jane's diaper.
- No, babe.
- You don't need to do that.
- Oh, I don't even mind.
- He's helpful.
- I'm very helpful.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you, bike safe.
Yeah, thank you.
I'll take the recyclables too.
Thanks, man.
Bye-bye, you guys.
I cannot believe you seriously just asked the weed guy to take out the trash.
He wouldn't ask if he didn't want to.
It's an empty gesture, I think.
(speaks indistinctly) (woman chuckles) (slurping) (slurps) (radio playing indistinctly) (theremin warbling classical melody) We see photos of you with David Bowie's wife, the African model.
You look so beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
That was kind of surreal.
Yeah, I mean, this whole year has been surreal.
Liang has been getting us into some pretty fancy rooms these days.
Oh, Wei, I was meaning to ask you Do you have any photos of you and Liang back in the '80s when he was playing in the subways? 'Cause my friend is making a documentary on musical prodigies - and Liang is in it.
- (gasps) You get so famous now! I find you some photos and send - them to you next week.
- Okay.
Give me your address.
I don't have your new one since you moved.
- Excuse me.
May we please have - I'll give you Liang's manager's e-mail - and he'll coordinate the photos.
- a glass of Sancerre and the check.
Well, have you given some thought about coming to Berlin? Uh, I think we stay home.
His back hurts a lot.
He cannot sit through the six-hour flight.
The seats are first-class.
They recline.
Yeah, they're actually really comfortable.
I mean, I slept all the way here.
I told you, it's going to be fine.
Solange's dad has like a million frequent flyer miles.
All right? Cost is not going to be an issue.
I know Liang said no gifts, but I couldn't help myself.
(ringtones playing) Man: You cannot delete the Internet.
I think you probably just deleted the shortcut.
Just the shortcut.
Yeah, that part right there.
Okay, guys, hey, listen.
Great session today, but before we go, I just want to say a couple of things.
I still notice that some of you are licking your finger before you swipe the phone.
You don't need to do that with this technology.
And I'm talking to you, Joon.
Okay? - (laughing) - Um, so, uh, that's the other thing.
And then, like, let's try some of the things this week that we learned today.
Let's try FaceTiming with our grandchildren.
Hey, let's use voice-to-text.
Um, and now I'm gonna answer the questions that you guys text to me before we finish up class.
"IRL" means "in real life.
" And just remember, Mary, you don't need to sign your name.
Your contact information comes right up on the screen.
Although "sincerely" is kind of nice.
It's kind of nice to get a sincerely from you.
Man (on TV): The Republican pushback has been completely disorganized.
Come on, let's hope that the Obama administration Woman (on TV): You mean to tell me the DNA was planted (TV continuing indistinctly) (alarm buzzing) Man: Hey, Jim! Whoa! (electronic music thumping) (lively chattering) Uh, hi.
Oh, Cookie! Hey, everybody, this is my daughter, Quinn.
Quinn, this is everybody.
Hey! - All: Hi! - Hey.
- Woman: Quinn! - Hey, mama! Quinn: You're who I should be talking to.
My dad says that you run a preschool? That's my 20-month-old over there, Jane.
Oh, I met her.
She's so smiley.
Yeah, she is.
It's actually a preschool for grown-ups.
- Oh - You should totally check it out.
Isn't that just so fleek? Oh, Dad, I'm not sure you're quite getting the usage on that yet.
Ha-cha-cha, give me a break.
Come on, don't you love it? She's got all these Wall-Streeters coming in, doing finger painting and taking naps.
I think it's fabulous.
Only Costco's finest, I see.
This is Professor Cupcake.
He's one of our instructors.
- Hi, Cupcake.
- Hi, Juicebox.
Jim: I call her Cookie! Oh, sounds like a lot of carbs.
Nasim was basically, like, an orphan before me, you know? I mean, don't you sometimes feel like it's narcissistic to be like, "Oh, my genes, DNA I have to give birth.
" You know? I Oh, I think she's hungry.
Oh, I'm still lactating.
- My younger one is four and - No, no.
- That's fine, thank you.
- Are you sure? Dean: Yes, thank you.
Woman: Okay.
I think I'm leaking Oh, you know what, it's not Oh, yeah, come on.
I'd rather do that.
It's more direct.
I mean, Jesus Christ! Only in Brooklyn can you smoke pot all day with your friends and call it a preschool for adults.
Oh, I don't think there's any pot involved in the preschool.
I think that's about offering adults a chance to escape from their responsibilities in the city.
As far as I can tell, these people spend every day they're not at Burning Man decompressing from or getting ready for Burning Man.
I don't know, day raves are really trending right now, so they might know something we don't.
Oh, really, are day raves on fleek? - Oh, I know, it's terrible.
- Ha-cha-cha.
I know.
I know, he's the worst.
- Ha-cha-cha.
- Stop.
In fact, he actually called something "off fleek" last night.
Did you hear that? He just wants to be one of the cool kids.
Well, and since he started smoking bowls at 11:00 a.
, he's forgetting things.
Like the fact that he said he would take Jane on Monday.
Why can't you take her? Well, I was hoping to go climbing.
Remember, I don't have class 'cause of the holiday.
Oh, well, I'm sorry my super generous dad who does all this stuff for us can't be there on Monday and you have to spend time with your own kid.
No, come on.
You know that's not what I'm saying.
I'm basically just repeating back things that you say all the time.
- Nah, I say it a little differently.
- I'm not attacking his character.
He's just really saving our asses right now, so I think we can let him have this.
The Oh, yeah.
I might go with him next time.
- To the a day rave? - Yeah.
As long as you can watch Jane.
- Yup.
- Great.
I'm so glad you came.
We're gonna have a fabulous time.
No one's gonna make me dance with them, right? - I can just dance by myself? - No, no, no.
You just do you, Cookie.
Everything's gonna be great.
Oh, wow, Gaby Hoffmann.
- Who? - Right there, Gaby Hoffmann.
- You know who she is.
- Wait, that's Gaby? Hey, I know her! Gaby! (dance music playing) Inhale, lift your arms up! Exhale, and let's om.
All: Om Exhale.
Round cat.
Draw your navel up, and back to dog.
And breathe.
Sit bones up and back, and stretch.
Open muladhara chakra and stretch your coochie.
Heat You see the road I wanna follow It takes a turn, it's hard to follow I want your touch, I want your body I feel the heat I feel the heat Heat I feel the heat DJ: What's up? What's up? Good morning, yeah! (door opens) - Hi! - Hi.
I didn't realize you were gonna be here so early.
Yeah, I was at that morning dance thing.
Did you get my text about the juice? Yeah, yeah.
I responded, yes.
- I got the green and the beet.
- Oh, right, right, right, sorry.
It's just I'm in I'm in a weird headspace.
It was weird? It was no good? No, you know what, it was fine.
It was just, um It just wasn't for me.
There was a lot of touching and hugging and body glitter, just too early in the morning.
But I'm over 30, so what do I know? Yeah, it's weird.
I can't do anything in the morning.
Like, I can't even read a book.
Like, anything I'm sorry to cut you off, Jess.
I just I was hoping for a moment of quiet.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
- Great.
(phone ringing) (chair scraping) Sorry.
(computer chimes) - It's my birthday - Where are we on the settee? What's a settee? It's the couch thing I asked you to order.
Uh Yeah, I will f I will find I'll find that - I'll send you the link again.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
- Happy birthday.
- Okay, thank you.
Hey, you okay, man? Hey.
You okay? Um, that That's our chair! What? That's our chair, the one he's sitting on, it's ours.
We're just waiting for him to wake up, - but that's our chair.
- Do you know him? We saw it first, sorry.
But you don't know him? No.
- We've been here.
- I see.
- It's all yours.
- Both: Thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
It's a beautiful piece.
Everyone wants it.
- The chair is mine - (phone ringing) (phone ringing) Hey.
Jim, hey.
Can you call me back the normal way? Jim: What's that, bud? What'd you say? This is, uh, video.
Yeah, it's FaceTime.
I'll call you back.
Nobody wants to do the FaceTime.
(phone ringing) Okay.
Here we go.
How can I help you? Jim: Hey.
I'm babysitting Jane tonight.
You got to come to the parlor floor.
Okay, cool.
So, uh, I'll put you last and then I can get those playlists from you.
Sound good? Ha-cha-cha! Yeah, ha-cha-cha, see you, man.
Feel better.
How long can a person sleep for? It was fun and I mean, interesting from like, a sociological perspective.
And I'm totally glad I went Yeah, I think they're all camping out in our yard.
Yes, and our backyard is full of day ravers.
You will know them by their trail of glitter.
I just There's no way those girls aren't skeeved out by him.
Well, maybe they're not.
I once fucked a guy that was 26 years older than me.
- What?! - Wow.
When was this? It was way before our time.
Don't make it about you.
I used to go to Costco when I was a kid.
You really can't beat the savings.
I mean, they've been selling a hot dog and a fountain soda for $1.
50 since the '80s.
Come on! That's right.
Those hot dogs are fucking good.
And they'll let you return anything.
No questions asked.
I returned an inflatable pool island that Quinn used for an entire summer, they still gave me my money back.
- Bullshit.
- Cash.
- Cash? - No receipt.
- They're fabulous.
- That is incredible.
I just can't give up Costco, man.
I feel so fucking calm in that place.
(laughs) Wait.
How old is he? - 67.
- He's 67.
He's 67? - Yeah.
- I can't even get out of the house.
I mean, I've been trying to see I've been trying to take her to see "Hamilton" forever.
Oh, it is so good.
We totally get it though.
We got key lime pie in Red Hook the other day, - and it was like scaling Mount Everest.
- I love that place.
I haven't been there in so long.
- Just getting out of the house.
- And I didn't eat anything.
But you know honey, we should just go for strolls.
- Just go for a walk.
- Oh, right.
Are you fucking kidding me? It'd take two hours to get out the door.
- Okay.
- Oh, no, no, I'll get it.
I'll get her.
(sighs) So, I saw on Instagram, Jane is walking.
- Yeah.
- She is.
What are you guys doing with her stroller? So, what you retired and then you moved to New York? I don't hear about that very often.
I mean, I used to be a fucking asshole, so - Really? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I was working my ass off for my entire kids' childhood.
It was like, they were born and I went to work where I slept and woke up 30 years later.
Just working? Yeah, I just selling the company, man.
- Yeah.
- And the idea behind this place, is to expose the grandkids to a little culture, a little diversity - Okay.
- so they're not so scared growing up like Quinn and her brother were.
You know, so fucking uptight.
Yeah, her husband's kind of uptight, too.
Oh, God.
Did they call you about that tick thing? - No.
- Oh, baby.
They said they were gonna call you.
Well, here's a perfect example.
They got all bent out of shape after you came last time because apparently you threw away a bottle they were saving a tick in.
Yes, the tick that bit the baby in Montauk.
What? I know people drafted into Vietnam who reacted more calmly than those two about that tick.
That's terrible.
I took their tick, man.
(laughing) I've just been watching those two run around like assholes for the past week talking ticks and Lyme disease, and I'm just thinking this shit is fucking Cray.
That is Cray.
- (phone buzzing) - Wait a minute.
News from the front.
They'll be home in about 15 minutes or so.
So, it seems like we can safely smoke that thing.
All right.
That sounds good.
I can put the kettle on and, um You want something? Tea, beer? Beer would be good.
I'll get some of Dean's craft beer, some good shit.
No, I don't want to drink his craft beer.
Oh, I bought it, it's fine.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Her fingernails were so dirty.
- Did you really not notice that? - Did I notice that - her fingernails were dirty? No, I did not see that.
- Yes.
Oh, my gosh, they were filthy.
I can't believe you didn't notice that.
Well, she's busy.
She works in production.
She has like, 15-hour days.
That is a ridiculous excuse.
- Also, she's a lesbian.
- Yeah.
So you'd think that would be, like, extra important to her.
- Or to Joan.
- Yeah And like, I ate her food.
It's not like I think she's a filthy person.
I just would not want to be her sex partner with Do you smell that? Is something burning? - Oh, my God, Dad! - Oh! Dad! Dad! Do you see the monitor? Dad! - Oh, what the - Shit! Dad, you put the fucking electric kettle on the stove! It was burning! - My God! - Are you seriously holding a joint right now? Wow.
My God, I'm sorry you guys.
Thank goodness you came home when you did, right? Shit.
Yeah, otherwise you would've burned down the whole house.
Well, it's an honest mistake.
I'm used to my stovetop kettle in there, the same shape.
Was it a mistake or are you stoned? Cookie, I'm sorry.
But I've gotta say, I think the stimulating conversation's what made me forget about the kettle, not the grass.
I just took two hits right now.
Ask him.
Yeah, I saw him.
He only took two hits.
And I heard that I took your tick, and I feel terrible.
I hope that you guys Have a good night.
Sorry about this.
I'm really sorry.
It's cool, man.
I'm sure it was an accident.
Dad, do we have to be the only adults in the house? Are you gonna be our other child that we have to worry about? Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Like Dean said to The Guy, it was an accident.
Yeah, well, the weed guy's not helping us raise our child, you are.
And I know you don't have a lot of experience raising children, but it's more than just showing up and buying things.
You have to actually be present and sober, okay? Not act like some unemployed 20-year-old raver.
What the fuck, Quinn? Don't put me on blast like that.
(snickers) Stop making fun of me! I'm a person.
I'm not just Dad.
I'm a person too, and I have feelings.
Yeah, well, now the house is filled with toxic fumes.
Well, then you can all sleep down here if you like.
I don't care.
We've had a few too many tonight.
Quinn: I'm not drunk! (phone dings) (phone dings) (chuckles) Could you turn down the brightness? (chuckles) Bye, Felicia.
(chuckles) Wait, I thought your daughter's name was Quinn? You don't know "Bye, Felicia"? No.
Who's Felicia? I don't actually know who she is, but it's on fleek.
Get ready.
Don't do that.
I'm coming in.
- They're right upstair Don't do that.
- I'm coming in.
Get ready.
I'm coming in.
You didn't trust me to get 'em up in time.
- Yes, I Oh! - Oh - Whoa.
- That was good.
- What if I can't get pregnant again? - What?