High School USA! (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Adoption

1 ( dog barks ) High School USA! 01x05 - Adoption - ( gong peals ) - ( yelps ) Both: Happy New Year, Cassandra! Mom, dad, it's February.
New Year's was a month ago.
It's Chinese New Year, honey.
Ugh! Why would we celebrate anything Chinese? Those people are so backwards.
They throw their daughters away instead of their garbage.
Yes, they do, but for us it's been a blessing in disguise.
What are you old weirdos talking about? We think it's about time we told you, Cassandra.
- You were adopted.
- Wait! What?! We tried to have our own normal baby, - but we couldn't reproduce.
- Probably my stupid ovaries.
Oh, now, Dolores, for all we know, My could've been as dead as your lady balls.
Hey, this is about me.
I'm the one with the real problem.
I'm the one who's Chinese! So just how Chinese am I? Be honest.
I can take it.
Well, you were born in a beautiful little factory town called Factoryland, China.
That's right.
It's a quaint village just teeming with exotic customs.
One of which is devaluing female babies.
I don't care how great their customs are, - they also eat bugs.
- Oh, not only bugs.
They're quite fond of duck feet marinated in blood, too.
And peacock face.
Also, some people in China even eat dirt.
- They call it famine food.
- Oh, Seymour, don't forget that delicious goat genital soup.
- It was to die for.
- Well, I don't care how tasty their testicles are either! I think chopsticks are stupid! - ( crying ) - ( slams ) Well, I can't wait till I get old and my memories start to unfold about High School U.
S.
A.
these are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at high school U.
S.
A.
Hey, Amber, can I borrow your lip gloss? And give me your eyeliner.
Now what do you say we switch clothes? - What?! No way.
- But I wanna be like you.
Cassandra, we've talked about this before.
You've really gottta get your own style.
I'm not talking about your style.
I'm talking about you.
American! Look, Amber, I just found out I'm ( whispers ) Chinese, so you better feel sorry for me and do what I want.
Wait a second.
You didn't know you were Chinese? Ugh! No! You mean you did and didn't tell me? Well, yeah.
I thought you knew.
Um, how would I know? It's not like I'm Kim Jong Un or something.
God! First my parents and now my best friend.
- ( crying ) - Ugh! Okay, fine.
- Here's my top.
- Yay! Pity! - Oh, and your skirt.
- Ugh! Um ( clears throat ) - Panties.
- ( groans ) ( chattering ) ( sniffs ) Whoa, that's a little rich.
What, are you on some gay new diet, Marsh? Yeah, but I don't know if it's working.
I'm gonna have to start getting Sniff Snax Lite just to get my thigh gap back.
Mmm! It makes my pizza smell even more like pizza.
Wow! Nice outfit, Cassandra.
You're looking super sexy.
Yeah, Amber, you should start dressing more like Cassandra.
I swear to God, if you weren't so sad about where you came from, I know! I'm so glad I'm sad.
Why are you sad, Cassandra? My parents told me today that I'm ( whispers ) Chinese.
Wait! What?! You all knew? Uh, of course.
Why do you think the Asian fetish club is always masturbating at you? Oh, I just thought that was the Jewish club.
- Hello, Cassandra.
- See? It's great being different.
Well, I don't wanna be different! Well, that sure diffuses my usually positive attitude.
Oh I'm so sad about being Chinese.
I'm sorry, Cassandra.
I wish there was something we could do for you.
I don't know.
I guess you could do my homework for me.
Oh, okay.
Because I'm way too upset to work or eat.
That sucks.
You didn't let me finish.
I'm too upset to eat my food.
Blackstein, gimme your pizza.
And Brad, don't worry.
I'll think of something you can do for me.
In fact, I'll make a list of all the things you guys need to do for me until I'm not sad about being Chinese.
You got it, Cassandra.
We're here for you.
For as long as it takes.
- ( knocks ) - Marsh: Come in! - Hey, buddy.
What are you doing? - Oh, hi, dad.
I'm just finishing up Cassandra's algebra homework before I log into her datebook page and start flirting with guys for her.
Cool cool.
Oh! Speaking of Cassandra, I need some advice.
She's been complaining that I'm not using the right detergent when I do her laundry.
- ( chimes ) - Yikes! The pharmacy closes soon.
I need to pick up Cassandra's birth control.
Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah, you better get on that.
'cause the last thing we need is to be changing diapers in 9 months.
Gosh, this is getting out of hand.
Blackstein: What's so important that you had us all meet here at the High School U.
S.
A.
computer lab? Yeah, spit it out, Marsh! I have to go take Cassandra's piano lesson for her.
Yeah, and I have to go take off her panties, - so she can get her pap smear.
- You mean my panties.
Look, gang, we need to get Cassandra's self-esteem back up or we'll end up being her slaves forever.
Okay, what's the plan, genius? Let's start by doing some research on China and find out something about it that could make Cassandra like being Chinese.
Okay, what should we try first? Oh! She loves checkers.
Yeah, she is the president of the checkers club.
- "Chinese checkers.
" - ( keyboard clicking ) What? There's no squares? This is madness! Okay, guys, really think.
What else does Cassandra really like? Well, every time we have a fire drill, she seems to enjoy it.
"Chinese fire drill.
" Hey, here's a video.
Quick! Switch seats! Amber: What are they thinking? That's no way to escape a fire.
- A water torture! - Oh yeah, of course.
"Chinese water torture.
" ( dripping ) Amber: Umm, this is boring.
What? Is there like a water shortage in China? Maybe we're getting a little too specific here.
- Let's try something more general.
- How about sex? That little slut goes nuts for the stuff.
Ooh ooh! What about music? Yeah, that little slut goes nuts for that, too.
"Chinese music.
" - ( gasps ) - no way.
( clicking ) ( dramatic music plays ) Two days ago, our little town of Townton was shocked when it was discovered that a local band called The Gang, made up of five archetypal high school students, are topping the charts in China.
Their benign yet infectious music has spread like cancer in this little-known communist country.
It's not a surprise that the most popular member of the band, Cassandra Barren, is Chinese.
- ( cameras click ) - Cassandra, I hear The Gang located your biological parents, the Loos.
- You must be excited to meet them.
- Um, they're not my parents.
They're just the monsters that made me Chinese.
- ( cheering ) - Cassandra! ( cocks ) - ( gunshot ) - ( grunts ) I ruv you, Cassandra! - ( cars honking ) - Blackstein: Is that a car? - Mm-hmm.
- Is that a store? - Uh-huh.
- Is that a lady with a man? - Mmm.
- Oh, is that a streetlight? - Uh-huh.
- Ooh, is that another streetlight? - Yeah.
- Wow! We are really getting the V.
I.
P.
Tour.
La-de-dah! ( laughs ) See how hospitable the Chinese are, Cassandra? The only thing I see is how spittable they are.
- ( bicycle bell dings ) - ( snorts, hawks ) Actually, spitting in China is like their version of a custom.
( gulps ) I'm starving.
- Let's get something to eat.
- Great idea! I read that chewing, digesting and excreting local fare is a great way to experience a culture.
On second thought, I'm not hungry.
Are you sure, Cassandra? You haven't excreted anything all day today.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go see my Chinese parents - and get this over with.
- Awesome.
I know you're gonna have a great time.
Yeah, I'm looking for a Chinese man and his Chinese wife called Mr.
and Mrs.
Loo.
We have 350,000 Mr.
and Mrs.
Loo.
Well, I have their I.
D.
Numbers.
Oh no, you're not looking for the Loos.
You're looking for the Lewises.
The Lewises? ( whirring ) Charlie and Rachel, your long-lost daughter is here to see you.
You have five minutes.
- Wait! What?! - Look at you! You've gotten so tall since we unloaded you as a baby.
You're my real parents? You got us! Guilty as charged.
- But you're American.
- Well, we were.
Your mom and I began as car factory workers in Detroit.
Then when they outsourced to China, we packed up and rode that gravy train all the way here.
So you guys gave me up to be factory workers? You'll see one day.
The toughest decision in the world is choosing between your family and your career.
And, uh ( laughs ) I think Rachel and I are pretty confident we made the right decision.
Hashtag yolo.
And would you give all this up for a baby girl? But, how can I be yours? I don't look anything like you.
Exactly.
When you were born we paid for you to have baby plastic surgery.
We knew we could get rid of you faster if you had Chinese features.
Americans love Asians.
I know.
It's so perverted.
- ( horn toots ) - Whoop, time to get back to work.
Yeah, those tiny screws aren't going to put themselves into smart phones.
( laughs ) As the Chinese say, see ya, kid.
Rachel: God, I love this job.
( door closes ) Cassandra, how'd it go with your parents? You guys, it was awesome.
Fantastic.
So you like China now? No, not at all.
It's gross.
But it doesn't matter, - because I am 100% American.
- Wait.
What? MC: Now for the first time ever in China, give it up for the gang! Hey, let's sort this out after the show.
We got like a billion Chinese fans waiting out there.
- Awesome.
- Let's do this for America! - Brad: Yeah! - Cassandra: Come on, gang! What happened? I thought the show was sold out.
Oh, didn't you hear? There a fire in the factory today.
Everyone dead.
Look here on my technology.
- ( clicks ) - ( people screaming ) Huh.
I guess those Chinese fire drills really don't work.
I am super sorry about your parents, Cassandra.
It's okay.
( sighs ) At least I know my parents died doing what they loved Inserting tiny screws into smart phones while in unsafe work conditions.
This song goes out to all the people who escaped the fire and then ran right back in! ( rock music playing ) Sync & corr by blue150683