High School USA! (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Janitor Day

1 High School USA - 01x07 Janitor Day (Groans) Janitor Day, again? This is, like, the third day in a row.
I think menial labor is kind of hot Being on all fours, cleaning up other people's messes.
- It's super sexy.
- Hmm, funny, I don't feel super sexy.
I feel like I'm missing gym class! I heard that all the janitors have been fired because the school's going broke.
- MR.
STRUCTOR: Marsh is right, folks.
- Oh hi, Mr.
Structor.
- I didn't know you were pooing in here.
- Oh, it's pronounced "peeing," Brad.
- And I always do it in the stall.
- Really? Yep.
I've sworn off urinals.
The spray ricochets back at you.
- (Toilet flushes) - Why's the school so poor, Mr.
Structor? - Were we robbed and raped? - No, we were not.
The school board's cut our funding and laid off all nonessential employees, - and I'm the last teacher left.
- Why? Because High School U.
S.
A.
has the lowest collective G.
P.
A.
in town.
Frankly, you guys are idiots.
Look, guys, I'm sorry.
That was harsh.
If there's any idiot here, it's me, for making you morons.
Ahh! I should be teaching six classes right now.
Hey, Amber, throw this away for me, I don't have time.
Eww! That does it.
I am never cleaning anything ever again.
We're all meeting at my place tonight for a study group.
Okay, but, can I scrub your toilets when I get there? I bet they're so filthy.
Well, I can't wait till I get old and my memories start to unfold about High School U.
S.
A.
These are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at High School U.
S.
A.
- (Doorbell rings) - Hey, Marshy.
Hi, there, Mrs.
Lamber.
I'm here for the study group.
Great, come on in.
We're just having study-snacks.
- I ordered Sushi.
- Neat! Fish is food for your stomach and your brain and for other fish, but that last one doesn't really help you.
Yeah! I didn't know studying could be so delicious.
(Chomping) Hey, mom, can I have some Sushi? No, Wally.
These are study-snacks.
They're only for studiers.
Can you believe your brother, Amber? - Please.
I'm starving.
- Fine, but only because you're my best friend's brother, - not because you're my son.
- Wally, you're super smart.
- Got any tips on studying? - Sure.
Studying is really just about visualization and repetition.
(coughs) Hey, mom, can I have a drink to wash this down? Help yourself, Wally.
Can't you see my hands are full? - (All gasp) - WALLY: Mmmmm.
- What is he doing? - That is so gross.
I know, right? Sushi and milk? Ew! - Yummy.
- Isn't Wally too old to breast feed? Yeah, it's a little weird, but it totally helps my mom stay skinny.
Uh, totally.
Breast feeding burns, like a kajillion calories.
- Mmmm.
- Way better than pilates 'cause I just sit here and that sucks the fat right out of me! Well, I still think that breast-feeding is gross.
Not me.
I find the act of breast-feeding very beautiful.
I'm jealous that I never got to do that.
Wait, hold on.
Blackstein, you never breast-fed? - Like, not even once? - No.
My mom said breast milk isn't kosher.
And my dad says it's not soul food.
Hey, maybe that's why you're so stupid.
- What do you mean? - (Slurps) Duh.
Breast milk helps brain development.
How do you think I got so precocious? - Same way I got so skinny! - By slurping down the boob juice.
- High five! - Killing it! - (Gasps) - What's wrong, Marsh? You look like you just got really embarrassed about something secret.
- Um, I gotta go! - But we're not done studying yet.
Sorry, something just came up.
And by up, I don't mean out of me.
All we were doing was talking about how breast-feeding makes you skinny and I just started lactating.
I'm just really scared, and confused.
I'm the one scared and confused! On top of teaching every course in this school now I'm the nurse!? I've never been a nurse before! I can barely care for myself.
And look at what I'm dealing with! This kid fell on a yardstick.
This one swallowed a protractor.
And I don't even know what's wrong with this kid.
- I glued my eyes shut! I'm in way over my head! Mr.
Structor, I need to know, am I normal? That depends.
What was your problem again? (Whispers) I'm lactating.
Pfft! So not a big deal.
You're fine.
Men can lactate.
Actually, in some cultures, it is the male that Well, you know what, Marsh? We'll cover all this in social studies class.
Oh no! We're late for social studies class.
Let's go! - (Bell rings) - Hey, class.
Did you know there are certain types of countries where men breast-feed? Because in these countries the women get sick and the men will start to breast-feed for them.
In any case, no matter what your gender is, breast-feeding is normal and totally au naturel.
Which is a perfect segue into French class.
Which apparently I'm also teaching.
So, everyone, meet in five in the language lab.
Bonjour.
Ew.
What smell's like raw fish? Oh yeah, that'd be me.
I did a little studying before class.
Marsh, Blackstein, can I see you for a second? Listen guys, there's a standardized test tomorrow and Blackstein's performance has the potential to swing the next school-board vote in any direction.
You're the smartest kid in class, Marsh.
And as we've covered, Blackstein's the dumbest.
So you've got to tutor him.
And unless being a janitor turns you on as much as it turns Cassandra on, - I suggest you start studying now.
- (Moans) You're so dirty, mop.
It's no use, Marsh! I'll never learn anything this way! - I'm am stupid! - Don't be so hard on yourself.
It's not your fault.
You weren't breastfed.
We're going to buckle down and I'm going to teach you some things.
I tried to try, but I just can't.
Now, I'm going to make the entire student body be janitors forever! (Crying) - Huh? - Mmm.
What's happening to your nipples? Well, I recently started to produce milk.
And hearing you cry like a baby seems to have really got me flowing.
- Mmm! - Blackstein, what are you doing?! - Hey! I'm not done! - I don't think that's a good idea.
This could really complicate our friendship.
Come on, Marsh.
Don't bogart all the breast milk.
Remember how Wally said this stuff makes you smarter? Well, if it's going to help High School U.
S.
A.
, okay! - (Sucking) - Oh.
Oh! Hey, this is boring.
You mind if I study while you're doing this? Go for it! "They have, for the most part, given up their hunting and gathering lifestyle" - (Bell rings) - Oh man! I was studying so much last night, I think I got Mercury poisoning.
Okay, gang, listen up.
- Here are your test results.
- Fingers crossed, pal.
- And now, Blackstein! - Uh-oh.
You got an A+! You did something smart, you damned idiot! A+! Wait, wh-wha "A" plus what though? I got no idea what you did for him, Marsh, but whatever it is, I recommend you do it for the whole school.
Well, it better work, I'm tired of being a janitor.
You're such a prude, Amber.
(Instrumental music playing) (Money fluttering) Congratulations, everyone.
Our test scores were through the roof! And I swear to you, there will be no more Janitor Days at High School U.
S.
A.
! Because I used the funding that you earned to buy us more janitors than any educational institution could ever conceive of wanting! We're janitor rich! - (Bottle breaks) - Ooo la la! - And it's all because of Marsh! - (Cheering) Marsh, did you hear that? Mr.
Structor just shouted you out.
That's nice and everything, but I think the stress of teaching every course in school is making Mr.
Structor go balls out crazy.
Who cares? I love having my own janitor.
Whoopsies.
(Chuckles) Ugh, blocker.
Well well well, if it isn't Superintendent Andrea Kunssler.
You know it's pronounced ahn-dray-ah.
We used to date.
So, ahn-dray-ah, you come to congratulate me on turning the school around? Quite the opposite.
Do you know that every other high school in the district is completely depleted of their janitorial staff? Oh yeah, we've been there.
Maybe they need to I don't know - Study harder? - Their grades are fine, Structor.
It's your students' grades I find dubious.
- How so? - I wouldn't put it past a disgustingly toungey kisser like you to cheat for your students.
You're dead wrong! I absolutely didn't cheat! I'm going to have all the pee in this school tested.
And if I find any of your students were using performance-enhancing drugs, I'm shutting High School U.
S.
A.
down for good.
Ugh.
Still into that whole pee thing, huh? You never did like getting peed on, did you? (Printer whirrs) Well, it's conclusive.
Every student's urine has a significant amount of breast milk in it.
That's impossible, I was the nurse for two days and never found breast milk in any urine.
Say goodbye to your janitors.
Go down Moses Um, I think the ankle chains are a little overboard.
No way! Janitors in chains? I don't think it can get any hotter! I mean, really, Dan.
If you had spread the funds out evenly in the school, instead of just hiring more and more janitors, you probably would have gone unnoticed.
But this was just dumb.
Superintendant Kunssler, Superintendant Kunssler! - Yeah, it's pronounced Andrea.
- Andrea, I'm telling you the students here are the smartest I've ever known.
If you just give us one more chance to take this test, I promise we can do this without my breast milk.
Wait, hold on.
Your breast milk!? Dan, what the hell is going on at your school? Nothing's that not going on at every school across America.
Uh, fine, whatever.
You can retake the test.
But if you fail this time, I'm shutting down this perverted place for good.
Perverted, really? You're the one who likes to pee on people, Kunssler! Gee whiz.
This is terrible.
What's the matter, Marsh? We passed the tests.
Yeah, and everything will be back to status quo once we get more funding next semester.
And you know how much you love status quo.
That's true, but I just feel that since we passed the test without my breast milk, it must not have been that good.
MR.
STRUCTOR: No, but your tutoring was! - (Flushes) - Mr.
Structor! Marsh, it turns out all the time you spent breast-feeding, you were also reading to the students from text books.
- You're a great tutor! - Oh yeah! Look, everything worked out great.
Cool.
KUNSSLER: But it won't be great for long.
- (Flushes) - Superintendant kunssler! You may have won this time, Dan, but next time, I'm gonna get you and I'm gonna get you good.
Yeah yeah, big deal.
- You're gonna pee on me.
- It's pronounced "poo.
" Sync & corr by blue150683